Raising Hope S1E18 - English Transcript

Hey, Jimmy. Hey, Hope. Burt. Prepare to die. - Kida. - Kida. What was that? We're taking the same Krav Maga class at the community center. The instructor encourages us to attack each other in our free time. So that's why she's Hey. There's that cute chick again. You should man up and say something to her. I don't know what to talk about. Um, talk about racism. Everybody hates racism. No. Shoes. Woman love shoes. - That's stupid, Dad. - No, it's not. Hey. Fantastic shoes. That people of all colors would love. This is Jimmy. - Hi. - Hi. I'm Zoe. And I want that shirt. Pancake's one of my favorite bands. Oh, cool. Pancakes are one of my favorite foods. You know what? Maybe you two should see them or eat them together. - You should see or eat them together. - Dad. Actually, I'd I'd be up for either of those possibilities. We could, but I should let you know that I kind of sort of have a girlfriend. - No, you don't. - Her name is Sabrina. Anyway, it's complicated. Excuse me. This whole thing with Sabrina, it's all in his head. She has a boyfriend. In fact, he hasn't been with anybody since he knocked up a serial killer. And she's been executed, so he's totally available. Continue. Why don't I just give you my number? You can call me if your fake girlfriend also gets executed. Stranger things have happened. Oh, my God, you are such a wuss! I tap out. I tap out. Here we go, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Hey, idiot. Wait till you hear what stupid thing your son did today. I don't think we need to tell Mom. You know Zoe from daycare? She was totally coming on to him, and he turned her down. Zoe, the Doberman Pinscher? No, no, that's Cynthia. - Oh. Zoe's the one with the absolute perfect nose. Not too big, not too small. What is it with you and noses? He's a nose man, Jimmy. Noses are the unsung hero of the face. Ties the whole thing together. Name one good-looking person without a nose. Can't do it. Jimmy, I can't believe you turned her down. I'm your mother, and I love you, but let's face it. You're no prize. I can't go out with Zoe. - Sabrina might think I'm not available. Right. Because Sabrina having a boyfriend's really discouraged you. Yeah, you seem real happy to keep pining for her. You pine, pine, pine, but you don't do anything. You just sit there like a log. A pine log. Which is the worst kind of log. Best log, Yule. Best Yul? Brynner. Best Brenner? David. Best David That's where it starts to get complicated. I know you guys don't believe me, but I'm gonna make a move on Sabrina. I am. I know how to spot the crack in a relationship, and that's when I drive in my wedge. Maw Maw, dinner's almost ready. Want to come out and eat? I don't know what's going on. This is day three of her being underneath that desk. If she thinks she's gonna have puppies again, she can't stay under there. Maw Maw, you can't try pushing out puppies under my work station. Burt, stop it. She's obviously upset about something. We need to figure out what it is. All right. She's old, her husband's dead, and she can't eat ribs without a lot of help. Since the baby, we've all been working so much. Maybe she's lonely. Maybe we could get her another pet. I don't think I want to do that again. Look at you. You look like the cat who ate the canary. Does Shelley have any tricks for when the old people at her daycare get depressed? All the old people seem pretty happy. Hey, maybe that's what we should do. Yeah, she might like being around people her age. Maw Maw? Hey, Maw Maw, we're gonna take you to Shelley's tomorrow so you can hang out with all the other old people. That sounds like fun, huh? Come on, why don't you come on out, and I'll pre-chew you some ribs? Oh, I like to pre-chew the ribs. Whoa, it's my turn. Dad did it last time. It's impossible to keep everyone in this house happy. Oh, crap. My lunch got switched with Maw Maw's. Got a fiber shake and a Tupperware applesauce. I'm pretty sure it's full of medicine I shouldn't have. Son of a ***. I got a text from Wyatt. He can't come home this weekend 'cause he's got some frat party. He's so stupid. He knows how to text Greek letters. Doesn't seem stupid to me. My God, Frank, could you possibly be more creepy? Oh, easily. What's so important Wyatt can't come home this weekend? Well, he's a social director of his fraternity, and they're having some pimps and hoes party this weekend. He has to be there. Hey, he had to cancel last week, too, right? - Yeah. Why? - Just, you're his girlfriend, but you're here and he's away at college, you know, with the hoes. Oh, my God. Do you think he's cheating on me? What, with, like, a cheerleader or something? I have no idea. Primates are not meant to be faithful, Sabrina. There has to be one male leader served by five to 10 submissive females. Thank you, Frank. That's very helpful. Honestly, do you think that Wyatt is cheating on me? Who can say? That's just what happens with long-distance relationships. It's probably why they almost never work. You know what? I'm gonna go up there this weekend, and I'm gonna find out for myself. There's finally a crack in their relationship. Time to make my move. Dude, stay away from her. I've been working on this for, like, a year. - Really? - Yeah. Okay, then. May the best man win. Okay, you're on. Forfeit. Whoa. That was intense. There is a lot of medicine in this. You all thought I was wasting my time with Sabrina, but I knew if I waited long enough, I would get my chance. Who knows? If she busts him cheating, we could be dating by Monday. No. You got to go up there with her. She's gonna be crying. She's gonna need a hug. Your father's right. If a cute girl like that's wandering around a college campus needing a hug, there's gonna be a hundred guys and at least six women willing to give it to her. I don't know. What if Wyatt's not cheating? All college guys cheat when they're in long-distance relationships. Why do you think I didn't let your dad go off to college? 'Cause he didn't graduate high school? For your information, there are universities that advertise on late-night television that are willing to overlook that. Plus, I got 1540 on my SATs. I do really good on tests where you fill in the dots. Anyway, look, this is your shot. After she finds out he's cheating, you just bring her back here for a little pity party, you know? Light some candles, give her her favorite ice cream. Maybe some hard cranberry lemonade. Then you rent whatever movie you think you're gonna hate the most. She'll love it. All right, I'll go and call Sabrina, and then I'll stop and rent something with Katherine Heigl. I want a man with a slow hand I want a lover with an easy touch I want somebody who will spend some time Not come and go in a heated rush I want somebody who will understand - She's in a good mood. - Yeah. I want a slow hand She's been walking on clouds ever since you picked her up from Shelley's. Okay, here we go. One prune juice with low-sugar grapefruit, or as I like to call it, a long, slow, comfortable poop. Two more of those for me and the lady here. Make mine a double. Sow my oats now. Next week, MacArthur's sending my unit out to Korea. Oh! I'm so proud of you boys. Going over and fighting people, killing. I just play the piano and raise spirits at the USO. You're getting a rise out of me now. I think. - I'm Mel. - I'm Barbara June. I can't remember my last name. - Nice to meet you, Barbara. - Nice to meet you, too. Let me buy you a drink. Hey, two more of those for me and the lady here. Make mine a double. - I'm Mel. - Oh, I'm Barbara June. Can't remember my last name. Hey, I was gonna give the new girl a drink. Hey, back off, pencil neck. - Maw Maw met a man? - Yup. Just don't let my husband Wilfred hear about this. Oh, it would kill him. I don't think you're gonna have to worry about that. I don't care. Maw Maw is not going back to Shelley's. I sent her there for daycare, not for a geriatric hook-up. I don't see the problem. It's sweet. Two people making each other happy. Sweet? You think it's sweet that she's cheating on her husband? - But her husband's dead. - She doesn't know that. She thinks she's having an affair. I just Look, imagine we're at the store, and you see me sneak a candy bar into my purse, right? So you go pay for the candy bar without telling me. How much was it? I don't like this. What's going on with us that you can't ask me for 50 cents? It's a hypodermic situation. Okay? The point is, is it still stealing if the person who took it thinks they were stealing? I guess Yeah. That person would be a thief. So, if Maw Maw thinks she's still married, then going with Mel would be Cheating. Wow. All right. Yeah, I get it. Huh! Bing! It's hypothetical, by the way. - What did I say? - Hypodermic. Whatever. It's a stupid word anyway. Listen, Sergeant, I'll need a ride to the officers' club to see my boyfriend, Mel. Okay, Maw Maw, you're not coming out right now. Okay, I'm gonna go run a couple errands, and I'll see you when I get back, okay? You're lying, aren't you? - You're not really coming back to get her? - Course not. After a while, she'll forget what she's waiting for, and then, hopefully, by the time we get back from work, she will have completely forgotten Mel. You know how her mind works. It's like a mouse on a wheel. Except the wheel spins sideways, the mouse is blind and has a really bad sprained ankle. Burt! Don't be soft. Oh! There you are. I've been sitting here, wondering what I'd do when I got you all to myself. Oh, me, too, my darling. My mind has been a whirlwind. I swear to God, Jimmy, if I catch him cheating, I might just sleep with the next guy I see. That makes sense. I might even sleep with the next 10 guys I see. Maybe start with one. And that is yet another example of our Big Brother Government covering up the impending disaster of 2012. Hello? Hi, Virginia. It's me, Shelley. Hope's fine. Hey, I just need to know, at what base do you need me to stop Maw Maw and Mel? They're really ramping up the canoodling, and I just wanted to clarify any boundaries. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Maw Maw's at your daycare with Mel? - All right, come with me. - Who are you? You should be ashamed of yourself. You're a married woman. Who the hell are you? Let me go. - Hey! Hey! Leave her alone. Help! Help me! Let me go! I'll see you tomorrow. Wow. If my guidance counselor showed me pictures of this, I might have studied harder in high school. There he is. He's sitting all alone. He even looks bored. I'm gonna go over there and surprise him. Jimmy, thank you so much for driving me up here. If we'd have just stayed home, who knows what kind of crazy thing I would have done, thinking he was cheating on me. Yeah. Do I look okay? Great. This is incredible bly awful. I'll be right back. Wyatt. Sabrina. I Hi, Wyatt. Let's go, Jimmy. So, what kind of ice cream do you like? I've got pistachio and chocolate chip, but we can get whatever. I don't understand what you're so mad about. Because we agreed she wasn't going back to Shelley's. I know, but it was so sad, and the more I thought about it, it seemed crazy that someone could cheat on a dead person. And you got me all mixed up with that candy bar story and that thing you do with your hands where I get all mesmerized and then I Start to realize that I'm Right. And No! Wrong! See? Damn it. Stop doing that. It's crazy to call it cheating if the other person's dead. Is that your plan? Are you even going to wait until my body's cold, or just hook up with some sexy paramedic while she's trying to jumpstart my heart? - Plan? I don't have a plan. - Really? You never thought about what you'd do if I died first? What? Ew! I don't want to think about you dead. That's so sad. Do you think about me dead? Occasionally. But only because you're such a sound sleeper. You just look dead. So my mind just goes there. Is that what all this with Maw Maw's about? You're worried about what I'm gonna do if you die first? Maybe. A little. So? Are you gonna be with other women? Well, I've never thought about it, but - Like who? - Anybody. Jennifer from the dry cleaners. Okay. Uh We're on a date. We're talking about dry cleaning. Whoa. Now we're home. In our room. That was quick. And now Oh! I don't like this. No. Stop! I Jennifer! No means no! That was awful. Why did you make me think that? Because I need to know if you could be with somebody else. Well, I can't. You're it. You're it for me forever. You're it for me forever, too. If, God forbid, you go first, I think I'm gonna have you stuffed and put in that corner right there. And on cold nights, I'll take you into our bed Oh, Burt. Let's not mess up a good moment. Wyatt's still following us. I have nothing to say to him. Don't stop this van. I won't. Except that we need some gas. Your gauge says half full. Yeah. The little arrow's broken. What? You don't keep track of your miles? Yeah. The mileage thingy is also broken. And I'm not sure Now I'm sure. Look, just let me explain why I kissed that Can you only be quiet when you have a mouth full of *** tongue? Just shut up and drive us to the gas station. So Looks like you have a lot of fun over there at Triangle B. Triangle. What are you doing? You're in the wrong lane. The wrong lane. I'm staying in this lane until you listen to me explain. Oh, please. You don't have the guts. He might. He might have the guts. No. He wouldn't mess up that pretty little face of his. - Yes, I would. - He said he would. He said he would. Just maybe you should let him explain himself. Wyatt, if you could just pull back over to our side. Sabrina, you really need to listen to what he has to say. Fine. I only kissed that stupid girl because you cheated on me with Jimmy. - Oh, please. - Me? She told me last week that she kissed you on Halloween. And I told you that I was so drunk that I thought I was kissing you. Jimmy was drunk, too. We had no idea what was going on. Yeah. I mean, I kind of remember kissing someone and her telling me that it was really great. And wow. I mean, that was you? - How'd you find out it was me? - Well, I kind of figured it out when I woke up at your house and my mouth tasted like Big League Chew. You're the only adult I know that still chews that stuff. It makes me feel like I'm in the Big Leagues. Okay, off topic. Point is Oh, God! Headlights! Headlights! Thank God. They saw the headlights and they swerved. Okay. Look, this thing is clearly my fault. You guys obviously have something very, very special. And me kissing you on Halloween? That started this whole crazy mess. Now, this is totally my fault. Not Wyatt's. All right, Sabrina, this is a great, great guy, and he deserves a second chance. Jimmy, thank you so much. You stopped me from making such a huge mistake. Oh! You're the hot chick with the nose. What? Just a conversation we were having. Listen, this is my grandmother. I think she's friends with your - Oh, yeah. My grandfather Mel. - Mel. Mel. Is there something we can do for you? I was keeping them apart for reasons I really don't need to get into right now. But I realized I just really want her to be happy again. So, basically, I'm here with my 84-year-old grandmother for a late-night *** call. This is awkward. Uh, he talked to an Asian woman at the coffee place, and somehow thinks he's back in Korea. He's a little batty. Barbara June, what are you doing here? What am I doing here? - What is she doing here? - Who? Her? She's a local. Hey, things happen during wartime. Doesn't mean anything. You said you loved me. Gls say a lot of things, baby. How'd you even find me here in the middle of this jungle? I gave you discount on Danish. Come on. You're making this *** all of us. Why's he talking about the jungle? He think he shipped out already? We're still stateside. Hey, hey, hey. You're gonna have to leave. I just heard there's an enemy sneak attack coming. This one can't keep her mouth closed. Or her legs. Well, they are closed now. Come on, baby. Don't be that way. Seniors in love, man. - It's a goat rodeo. - Yep. Well, it's sad. I seen a lot of boys come back from the war with their heads all screwy. But this one hasn't even left town yet. Breaks your heart, you know. Yes, it does. War. It's not just *** the soldiers. Yeah, well, maybe Korea will be the last one, Maw Maw. They wouldn't call it "falling in love" if you didn't get hurt sometimes. But you just pick yourself up and move on. Plenty of other fish in the sea. Red Hot Chili Peppers. - Black Eyed Peas. - Korn. - Phish. - CAKE. - Meat Loaf. - Eminem. - Wings. Nice. Well, there really are a lot of bands named after foods. Salt-n-Pepa. If I give you that, you got to give me Limp Bizkit. Deal. Jimmy? Hey. I didn't know you were into Pancake. Who's your date? We're just friends. English - US - SDH