The Wasps by Aristophanes - Dialogue and Script

CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY  PHILOCLEON  BDELYCLEON, his Son  SOSIAS, Slave of Philocleon  XANTHIAS, Slave of Philocleon  BOYS  DOGS  A GUEST  A BAKER'S WIFE  AN ACCUSER  CHORUS OF WASPS  WASPS  (SCENE:-In the background is the house of PHILOCLEON, surrounded  by a huge net. Two slaves are on guard, one of them asleep. On the  roof is BDELYCLEON.)  SOSIAS (waking XANTHIAS UP)  Why, Xanthias! what are you doing, wretched man?  XANTHIAS  I am teaching myself how to rest; I have been awake and on watch  the whole night.  SOSIAS  So you want to earn trouble for your ribs, eh? Don't you know what  sort of animal we are guarding here?  XANTHIAS  Aye indeed! but I want to put my cares to sleep for a while.  (He falls asleep again.)  SOSIAS  Beware what you do. I too feel soft sleep spreading over my eyes,  XANTHIAS.  Are you crazy, like a Corybant?  SOSIAS  No! It's Bacchus who lulls me off.  XANTHIAS  Then you serve the same god as myself. just now a heavy slumber  settled on my eyelids like a hostile Mede; I nodded and, faith! I  had a wondrous dream.  SOSIAS  Indeed! and so had I. A dream such as I never had before. But  first tell me yours.  XANTHIAS  I saw an eagle, a gigantic bird, descend upon the market-place; it  seized a brazen buckler with its talons and bore it away into the  highest heavens; then I saw it was Cleonymus had thrown it away.  SOSIAS  This Cleonymus is a riddle worth propounding among guests. How can  one and the same animal have cast away his buckler both on land, in  the sky and at sea?  XANTHIAS  Alas! what ill does such a dream portend for me?  SOSIAS  Rest undisturbed! Please the gods, no evil will befall you.  XANTHIAS  Nevertheless, it's a fatal omen when a man throws away his  weapons. But what was your dream? Let me hear.  SOSIAS  Oh! it is a dream of high import. It has reference to the hull  of the State; to nothing less.  XANTHIAS  Tell it to me quickly; show me its very keel.  SOSIAS  In my first slumber I thought I saw sheep, wearing cloaks and  carrying staves, met in assembly on the Pnyx; a rapacious whale was  haranguing them and screaming like a pig that is being grilled.  XANTHIAS  Faugh! faugh!  SOSIAS  What's the matter?  XANTHIAS  Enough, enough, spare me. Your dream stinks vilely of old leather.  SOSIAS  Then this scoundrelly whale seized a balance and set to weighing  ox-fat.  XANTHIAS  Alas! it's our poor Athenian people, whom this accursed beast  wishes to cut up and despoil of their fat.  SOSIAS  Seated on the ground close to it, I saw Theorus, who had the  head of crow. Then Alcibiades said to me in his lisping way, "Do you  thee? Theoruth hath a crow'th head."  XANTHIAS  Ah! that's very well lisped indeed!  SOSIAS  Isn't this mighty strange? Theorus turning into a crow!  XANTHIAS  No, it is glorious.  SOSIAS  Why?  XANTHIAS  Why? He was a man and now he has suddenly become a crow; does it  not foretoken that he will take his flight from here and go to the  crows?  SOSIAS  Interpreting dreams so aptly certainly is worth two obols.  XANTHIAS (turning to the audience)  Come, I must explain the matter to the spectators. But first a few  words of preamble: expect nothing very high-flown from us, nor any  jests stolen from Megara; we have no slaves, who throw baskets of nuts  to the spectators, nor any Heracles to be robbed of his dinner, nor  does Euripides get loaded with contumely; and despite the happy chance  that gave Cleon his fame we shall not go out of our way to belabour  him again, Our little subject is not wanting in sense; it is well  within your capacity and at the same time cleverer than many vulgar  comedies.-We have a master of great renown, who is now sleeping up  there on the other story. He has bidden us keep guard over his father,  whom he has locked in, so. that he may not go out. This father has a  curious complaint; not one of you could hit upon or guess it, if I did  not tell you.-Well then, try! I hear Amynias, the son of Pronapus,  over there, saying, "He is addicted to gambling." He's wrong! He is  imputing his own malady to others. Yet love is indeed the principal  part of his disease. Ah! here Sosias is telling Dercylus, "He loves  drinking." Wrong again! the love of wine is a good man's failing.  "Well then," says Nicostratus of the Scambonian deme, "he either loves  sacrifices or else strangers." God no! he is not fond of strangers,  Nicostratus, for he who says "Philoxenus" means a pederast, It's  mere waste of time, you will not find it out. If you want to know  it, keep silence! I will tell your our master's complaint; of all men,  it is he who is fondest of the Heliaea. Thus, to be judging is his  hobby, and he groans if he is not sitting on the first seat. He does  not close an eye at night, and if he dozes off for an instant his mind  flies instantly to the clepsydra. He is so accustomed to hold the  balloting pebble, that he awakes with his three fingers pinched  together as if he were offering incense to the new moon. If he sees  scribbled on some doorway, "How charming is Demos, the son of  Pyrilampes!" he will write beneath it, "How charming is Cemos!" His  *** crowed one evening; said he, "He has had money from the accused  to awaken me too late. As soon as he rises from supper he bawls for  his shoes and away he rushes down there before dawn to sleep  beforehand, glued fast to the column like an oyster. He is a merciless  judge, never failing to draw the convicting line and return home  with his nails full of wax like a bumble-bee. Fearing he might run  short of pebbles he keeps enough at home to cover a sea-beach, so that  he may have the means of recording his sentence. Such is his  madness, and all advice is useless; he only judges the more each  day. So we keep him under lock and key, to prevent his going out;  for his son is broken-hearted over this mania. At first he tried him  with gentleness, wanted to persuade him to wear the cloak no longer,  to go out no more; unable to convince him, he had him bathed and  purified according to the ritual without any greater success, and then  handed him over to the Corybantes; but the old man escaped them, and  carrying off the kettledrum, rushed right into the midst of the  Heliasts. As Cybele could do nothing with her rites, his son took  him to Aegina and forcibly made him lie one night in the temple of  Asclepius, the God of Healing, but before daylight there he was to  be seen at the gate of the tribunal. Since then we let him go out no  more, but he escaped us by the drains or by the skylight, so we  stuffed up every opening with old rags and made all secure; then he  drove short sticks into the wall and sprang from rung to rung like a  magpie. Now we have stretched-nets all around the court and we keep  watch and ward. The old man's name is Philocleon, it's the best name  he could have, and the son is called Edelycleon, for he is a man  very fit to cure an insolent fellow of his boasting.  BDELYCLEON (from the roof)  Xanthias! Sosias! Are you asleep?  XANTHIAS  Alas!  SOSIAS  What is the matter?  XANTHIAS  Why, Bdelycleon is getting up.  BDELYCLEON  Will neither of you come here? My father has got into the  stove-chamber and is ferreting about like a rat in his hole. Take care  he does not escape through the bath drain. You there, put all your  weight against the door.  XANTHIAS  Yes, master.  BDELYCLEON  By Zeus! what is that noise in the chimney? Hullo! who are you?  PHILOCLEON (poking his head out of the chimney)  I am the smoke going up.  BDELYCLEON  Smoke? smoke of what wood?  PHILOCLEON  Of fig-wood.  BDELYCLEON  Ah! that's the most acrid of all. But you shall not get out. Where  is the chimney cover? Come down again. Now, up with another cross-bar.  Now look out for some fresh dodge. But am I not the most unfortunate  of men? Henceforward I shall only be called the son of Capnius.  XANTHIAS  He is pushing the door.  BDELYCLEON  Throw your weight upon it, come, put heart into the work. I will  come and help you. Watch both lock and bolt. Take care he does not  gnaw through the peg.  PHILOCLEON (from within)  What are you doing, you wretches? Let me go out; it is  imperative that I go and judge, or Dracontides will be acquitted.  XANTHIAS  Would you mind that?  PHILOCLEON  Once at Delphi, the god, whom I was consulting, foretold, that  if an accused man escaped me, I should die of consumption.  XANTHIAS  Apollo the Saviour, what a prophecy!  PHILOCLEON  Ah! I beseech you, if you do not want my death, let me go.  XANTHIAS  No, Philocleon, no never, by Posidon!  PHILOCLEON  Well then, I shall gnaw through the net with my teeth.  XANTHIAS  But you have no teeth.  PHILOCLEON  Oh! you rascal, how can I kill you? How? Give me a sword, quick,  or a conviction tablet.  BDELYCLEON  Our friend is planning some great crime.  PHILOCLEON  No, by Zeus! but I want to go and sell my *** and its panniers,  for it's the first of the month.  BDELYCLEON  Could I not sell it just as well?  PHILOCLEON  Not as well as I could.  BDELYCLEON  No, but better.  PHILOCLEON  Bring out the *** anyway.  XANTHIAS  What a clever excuse he has found now! What cunning to get you  to let him go out!  BDELYCLEON  Yes, but I have not swallowed the hook; I scented the trick. I  will go in and fetch the ***, so that the old man may not point his  weapons that way again. (He goes in, returning immediately with the  ***.) Stupid old ***, are you weeping because you are going to be  sold? Come, go a bit quicker. Why, what are you moaning and groaning  for? You might be carrying another Odysseus.  XANTHIAS  Why, certainly, so he is! someone has crept beneath his belly.  BDELYCLEON  Who, who? Let's see. Why it's he! What does this mean? Who are  you? Come, speak!  PHILOCLEON  I am Noman.  BDELYCLEON  Noman? Of what country?  PHILOCLEON  Of Ithaca, son of Apodrasippides.  BDELYCLEON  Ha! Mister Noman, you will not laugh presently. Pull him out  quick. Ah! the wretch, where has he crept to? Does he not resemble a  she-*** to the life?  PHILOCLEON  If you do not leave me in peace, I shall sue.  BDELYCLEON  And what will the suit be about?  PHILOCLEON  The shade of an ***.  BDELYCLEON  You are a poor man of very little wit, but thoroughly brazen.  PHILOCLEON  A poor man! Ah! by Zeus! you know not now what I am worth; but you  will know when you disembowel the old Heliast's money-bag.  BDELYCLEON  Come, get back indoors, both you and your ***.  PHILOCLEON  Oh! my brethren of the tribunal! oh! Cleon! to the rescue!  BDELYCLEON  Go and bawl in there under lock and key. And you there, pile  plenty of stones against the door, thrust the bolt home into the  staple, and to keep this beam in its place roll that great mortar  against it. Quick's the word.  XANTHIAS  Oh! my god! whence did this brick fall on me?  BDELYCLEON  Perhaps a rat loosened it.  XANTHIAS  A rat? it's surely our gutter-judge, who has crept beneath the  tiles of the roof.  BDELYCLEON  Ah! woe to us! there he is, he has turned into a sparrow; he  will be flying off. Where is the net? where? Shoo! shoo! get back! Ah!  by Zeus! I would rather have to guard Scione than such a father.  XANTHIAS  And now that we have driven him in thoroughly and he can no longer  escape without our knowledge, can we not have a few winks of sleep, no  matter how few?  BDELYCLEON  Why, wretch! the other jurymen will be here almost directly to  summon my father!  XANTHIAS  Why, it's scarcely dawn yet!  BDELYCLEON  Ah, they must have risen late to-day. Generally it is the middle  of the night when they come to fetch him. They arrive here, carrying  lanterns in their hands and singing the charming old verses of  Phrynichus' Sidonian Women; it's their way of calling him.  XANTHIAS  Well, if need be, we will chase them off with stones.  BDELYCLEON  What! you dare to speak so? Why, this class of old men, if  irritated, becomes as terrible as a swarm of wasps. They carry below  their loins the sharpest of stings, with which to prick their foes;  they shout and leap and their stings burn like so many sparks.  XANTHIAS  Have no fear! If I can find stones to throw into this nest of  jurymen-wasps, I shall soon have them cleared off.  (Enter the CHORUS, composed of old men costumed as wasps.)  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  March on, advance boldly and bravely! Comias, your feet are  dragging; once you were as tough as a dog-skin strap and now even  Charinades walks better than you. Ha! Strymodorus of Conthyle, you  best of mates, where is Euergides and where is Chabes of Phlya? Ha,  ha, bravo! there you are, the last of the lads with whom we mounted  guard together at Byzantium. Do you remember how, one night,  prowling round, we noiselessly stole the kneading-trough of a  baker's wife; we split it in two and cooked our green-stuff with  it.-But let us hasten, for the case of Laches comes on to-day, and  they all say he has embezzled a pot of money. Hence Cleon, our  protector, advised us yesterday to come early and with a three days'  stock of fiery rage so as to chastise him for his crimes. Let us  hurry, comrades, before it is light; come, let us search every nook  with our lanterns to see whether those who wish us ill have not set us  some trap.  BOY  Father, father, watch out for the mud.  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  Pick up a blade of straw and trim your lamp.  BOY  No. I can trim it quite well with my finger.  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  Why do you pull out the wick, you little dolt? Oil is scarce,  and it's not you who suffer when it has to be paid for. (Strikes him.)  BOY  If you teach us again with your fists, we shall put out the  lamps and go home; then you will have no light and will squatter about  in the mud like ducks in the dark.  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  I know how to punish offenders bigger than you. But I think I am  treading in some mud. Oh! it's certain it will rain in torrents for  four days at least; look at the snuff in our lamps; that is always a  sign of heavy rain; but the rain and the north wind will be good for  the crops that are still standing. Why, what can have happened to  our mate, who lives here? Why does he not come to join our party?  There used to be no need to haul him in our wake, for he would march  at our head singing the verses of Phrynichus; he was a lover of  singing. Should we not, friends, make a halt here and sing to call him  out? The charm of my voice will fetch him out, if he hears it.  CHORUS (singing)  Why does the old man not show himself before the door? Why does he  not answer? Has he lost his shoes? has he stubbed his toe in the  dark and thus got a swollen ankle? Perhaps he has a tumour in his  groin. He was the hardest of us all; he alone never allowed himself to  be moved. If anyone tried to move him, he would lower his head,  saying, "You might just as well try to boil a stone." But I bethink  me, an accused man escaped us yesterday through his false pretence  that he loved Athens and had been the first to unfold the Samian plot.  Perhaps his acquittal has so distressed Philocleon that he is abed  with fever-he is quite capable of such a thing.-Friend, arise, do  not thus vex your heart, but forget your wrath. To-day we have to  judge a man made wealthy by-treason, one of those who set Thrace free;  we have to prepare him a funeral urn....so march on, my boy, get  going.  (Here a duet begins between the BOY and the CHORUS.)  BOY  Father, would you give me something if I asked for it?  CHORUS  Assuredly, my child, but tell me what nice thing do you want me to  buy you? A set of knuckle-bones, I suppose.  BOY  No, father, I prefer figs; they are better.  CHORUS  No, by Zeus! even if you were to hang yourself with vexation.  BOY  Well then, I will lead you no farther.  CHORUS  With my small pay, I am obliged to buy bread, wood, and stew;  and now you ask me for figs!  BOY  But, father, if the Archon should not form a court to-day, how are  we to buy our dinner? Have you some good hope to offer us or only  "Helle's sacred waves"?  CHORUS  Alas! alas! I have not a notion how we shall dine.  BOY  Oh! my poor mother! why did you let me see this day?  CHORUS  So that you might give me troubles to feed on.  BOY  Little wallet, you seem like to be a mere useless ornament!  BOY AND CHORUS  It is our destiny to groan.  PHILOCLEON (appearing at an upper window; singing)  My friends, I have long been pining away while listening to you  from my window, but I absolutely know not what to do. I am detained  here, because I have long wanted to go with you to the law-court and  do all the harm I can. Oh! Zeus! cause the peals of thy thunder to  roll, change me quickly into smoke or make me into a Proxenides, a  tissue of falsehoods, like the son of Sellus. Oh, King of Heaven!  hesitate not to grant me this favour, pity my misfortune or else may  thy dazzling lightning instantly reduce me to ashes; then carry me  hence, and may thy breath hurl me into some strong, hot marinade or  turn me into one of the stones on which the votes are counted.  CHORUS (singing)  Who is it detains you and shuts you in? Speak, for you are talking  to friends.  PHILOCLEON (singing)  My son. But no bawling, he is there in front asleep; lower your  voice.  CHORUS (singing)  But, poor fellow, what is his aim? what is his object?  PHILOCLEON (singing)  My friends, he will not have me judge nor do anyone any ill, but  he wants me to stay at home and enjoy myself, and I will not. And does  this wretch, this Demologocleon dare to say such odious things, just  because you tell the truth about our navy? He would not have dared,  had he not been a conspirator.  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  But meanwhile, you must devise some new dodge, so that you can  come down here without his knowledge.  PHILOCLEON  But what? Try to find some way. For myself, I am ready for  anything, so much do I burn to run along the tiers of the tribunal  with my voting-pebble in my hand.  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  There is surely some hole through which you could manage to  squeeze from within, and escape dressed in rags, like the crafty  Odysseus.  PHILOCLEON  Everything is sealed fast; not so much as a gnat could get  through. Think of some other plan; there is no possible hole of  escape.  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  Do you recall how, when you were with the army at the taking of  Naxos, you descended so readily from the top of the wall by means of  the spits you had stolen?  PHILOCLEON  I remember that well enough, but what connection is there with  present circumstances? I was young, clever at thieving, I had all my  strength, none watched over me, and I could run off without fear.  But to-day men-at-arms are placed at every outlet to watch me, and two  of them are lying in wait for me at this very door armed with spits,  just as folks lie in wait for a cat that has stolen a piece of meat.  CHORUS (singing)  Come, discover some way as quick as possible. Here is the dawn  come, my dear little friend.  PHILOCLEON (singing)  The best way is to gnaw through the net. Oh! goddess who  watchest over the nets, forgive me for making a hole in this one.  CHORUS (singing)  It's acting like a man eager for his safety. Get your jaws to  work.  PHILOCLEON (singing)  There! it's gnawed through! But no shouting! let Bdelycleon notice  nothing!  CHORUS (singing)  Have no fear, have no fear! if he breathes a syllable, it will  be to bruise his own knuckles; he will have to fight to defend his own  head. We shall teach him not to insult the mysteries of the goddesses.  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  But fasten a rope to the window, tie it around your body and let  yourself down to the ground, with your heart bursting with the fury of  Diopithes.  PHILOCLEON  But if these notice it and want to fish me up and drag me back  into the house, what will you do? Tell me that.  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  We shall call up the full strength of our oak-tough courage to  your aid. That is what we will do.  PHILOCLEON  I trust myself to you and risk the danger. If misfortune overtakes  me, take away my body, bathe it with your tears and bury it beneath  the bar of the tribunal.  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  Nothing will happen to you, rest assured. Come, friend, have  courage and let yourself slide down while you invoke your country's  gods.  PHILOCLEON  Oh! mighty Lycus! noble hero and my neighbour, thou, like  myself, takest pleasure in the tears and the groans of the accused. If  thou art come to live near the tribunal, 'tis with the express  design of hearing them incessantly; thou alone of all the heroes  hast wished to remain among those who weep. Have pity on me and save  him, who lives close to thee; I swear I will never make water,  never, nor ever let a fart, against the railing of thy statue.  (He slides down as quietly as possible; nevertheless BDELYCLEON  wakes up.)  BDELYCLEON (to XANTHIAS)  Ho, there! ho! get up!  XANTHIAS (waking up)  What's the matter?  BDELYCLEON  I thought I heard talking close to me. Is the old man at it again,  escaping through some loophole?  XANTHIAS  No, by Zeus! no, but he is letting himself down by a rope.  BDELYCLEON  Ha, rascal! what are you doing there? You shall not descend. (To  XANTHIAS) Mount quick to the other window, strike him with the  boughs that hang over the entrance; perhaps he will turn back when  he feels himself being thrashed.  PHILOCLEON (to the audience)  To the rescue! all you, who are going to have lawsuits this  year-Smicythion, Tisiades, Chremon and Pheredipnus. It's now or never,  before they force me to return, that you must help.  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  Why do we delay to let loose that fury, that is so terrible,  when our nests are attacked?  CHORUS (singing)  I feel my angry sting is stiffening, that sharp sting, with  which we punish our enemies. Come, children, cast your cloaks to the  winds, run, shout, tell Cleon what is happening, that he may march  against this foe of our city, who deserves death, since he proposes to  prevent the trial of lawsuits.  (The Boys run off, taking the CHORUS' mantles with them.)  BDELYCLEON (rushing out of the house with the two slaves and seizing  his father) Friends, listen to the truth, instead of bawling.  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  By Zeus! we will shout to heaven.  BDELYCLEON  And I shall not let him go.  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  Why, this is intolerable, 'tis manifest tyranny.  CHORUS (singing)  Oh! citizens, oh! Theorus, the enemy of the gods! and all you  flatterers, who rule us! come to our aid.  XANTHIAS  By Heracles! they have stings. Do you see them, master?  BDELYCLEON  It was with these weapons that they killed Philippus the son of  Gorgias when he was put on trial.  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  And you too shall die. Turn yourselves this way, all, with your  stings out for attack and throw yourselves upon him in good and  serried order, and swelled up with wrath and rage. Let him learn to  know the sort of foes he has dared to irritate.  XANTHIAS  The fight will be fast and furious, by great Zeus! I tremble at  the sight of their stings.  CHORUS (singing)  Let this man go, unless you want to envy the tortoise his hard  shell.  PHILOCLEON  Come, my dear companions, wasps with relentless hearts, fly  against him, animated with your fury. Sting him in the ***, eyes, and  fingers.  BDELYCLEON  (opening the door and trying to shove his struggling father in)  Midas, Phryx, Masyntias, here! Come and help. Seize this man and  hand him over to no one, otherwise you shall starve to death in  chains. Fear nothing, I have often heard the crackling of fig-leaves  in the fire.  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  If you won't let him go, I shall bury this sting in your body.  PHILOCLEON  Oh, Cecrops, mighty hero with the tail of a dragon! Seest thou how  these barbarians ill-use me-me, who have many a time made them weep  a full bushel of tears?  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  Is not old age filled with cruel ills? What violence these two  slaves offer to their old master! they have forgotten all bygones, the  fur-coats and the jackets and the caps he bought for them; in winter  he watched that their feet should not get frozen. And only see them  now; there is no gentleness in their look nor any recollection of  the slippers of other days.  PHILOCLEON (to XANTHIAS)  Will you let me go, you accursed animal? Don't you remember the  day when I surprised you stealing the grapes; I tied you to an  olive-tree and I cut open your bottom with such vigorous lashes that  folks thought you had been ***. Get away, you are ungrateful. But  let go of me, and you too, before my son comes up.  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  You shall repay us for all this, and that soon. Tremble at our  ferocious glance; you shall taste our just anger.  BDELYCLEON  Strike! strike! Xanthias! Drive these wasps away from the house.  XANTHIAS  That's just what I am doing.  BDELYCLEON  Blind them with smoke too!  XANTHIAS AND SOSIAS  You will not go? The plague seize you! Will you not clear off?  BDELYCLEON  Hit them with your stick Xanthias, and you Sosias, to smoke them  out better, throw Aeschines, the son of Sellartius, on the fire.  XANTHIAS (as the CHORUS retires from the unequal conquest)  There, we were bound to drive you off sooner or later!  BDELYCLEON  Eh! by Zeus! you would not have put them to flight so easily if  they had fed on the verses of Philocles.  CHORUS (singing)  It is clear to all the poor that tyranny has attacked us sorely.  Proud emulator of Amynias, you, who only take pleasure in doing ill,  see how you are preventing us from obeying the laws of the city; you  do not even seek a pretext or any plausible excuse, but claim to  rule alone.  BDELYCLEON  Hold! A truce to all blows and brawling! Had we not better  confer together and come to some understanding?  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  Confer with you, the people's foe! with you, a royalist....  CHORUS (singing)  ....and accomplice of Brasidas, you with your woollen-fringed coat  and your long beard?  BDELYCLEON  Ah! it would be better to separate altogether from my father  than to steer my boat daily through such stormy seas!  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  Oh! you have but reached the parsley and the rue, to use the  common saying. What you are suffering is nothing! but welcome the hour  when the advocate shall adduce all these same arguments against you  and shall summon your accomplices to give witness.  BDELYCLEON  In the name of the gods! withdraw or we shall fight you the  whole day long.  CHORUS (singing)  No, not as long as I retain an atom of breath. Ha! your desire  is to tyrannize over us!  BDELYCLEON  Everything is now tyranny with us, no matter what is concerned,  whether it be large or small. Tyranny! I have not heard the word  mentioned once in fifty years, and now it is more common than  salt-fish, the word is even current on the market. If you are buying  gurnards and don't want anchovies, the huckster next door, who is  selling the latter, at once exclaims, "That is a man whose kitchen  savours of tyranny!" If you ask for onions to season your fish, the  green-stuff woman winks one eye and asks, "Ha, you ask for onions! are  you seeking to tyrannize, or do you think that Athens must pay you  your seasonings as a tribute?"  XANTHIAS  Yesterday I went to see a *** about noon and told her to get  on top; she flew into a rage, pretending I wanted to restore the  tyranny of Hippias.  BDELYCLEON  That's the talk that pleases the people! As for myself, I want  my father to lead a joyous life like Morychus instead of going away  before dawn basely to calumniate and condemn; and for this I am  accused of conspiracy and tyrannical practice!  PHILOCLEON  And quite right too, by Zeus! The most exquisite dishes do not  make up to me for the life of which you deprive me. I scorn your red  mullet and your eels, and would far rather eat a nice little  lawsuitlet cooked in the pot.  BDELYCLEON  That's because you have got used to seeking your pleasure in it;  but if you will agree to keep silence and hear me, I think I could  persuade you that you deceive yourself altogether.  PHILOCLEON  I deceive myself, when I am judging?  BDELYCLEON  You do not see that you are the laughing-stock of these men,  whom you are ready to worship. You are their slave and do not know it.  PHILOCLEON  I a slave, I, who lord it over all?  BDELYCLEON  Not at all, you think you are ruling when you are only obeying.  Tell me, father, what do you get out of the tribute paid by so many  Greek towns.  PHILOCLEON  Much, and I appoint my colleagues jurymen.  BDELYCLEON  And I also. (To the slaves) Release him.  PHILOCLEON  And bring me a sword; If I am worsted in this debate, I shall fall  on the blade.  BDELYCLEON  Tell me whether you will accept the verdict of the Court.  PHILOCLEON  May I never drink my Heliast's pay in honour of the Good Genius,  it if I do not.  CHORUS (singing)  Now it is necessary for you, who are of our school, to say  something novel, that you may not seem...  BDELYCLEON (interrupting)  And I must note down everything he says, so as to remember it;  someone bring me a tablet, quick.  CHORUS (singing)  ....to side with this youth in his opinions. You see how serious  the question has become; if he should prevail, which the gods forfend,  it will be all over for us.  PHILOCLEON  But what will you say of it, if he should triumph in the debate?  CHORUS (singing)  That old men are no longer good for anything; we shall be  perpetually laughed at in the streets, shall be called thallophores,  mere brief-bags.  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  You are to be the champion of all our rights and sovereignty.  Come, take courage! Bring into action all the resources of your wit.  PHILOCLEON  At the outset I will prove to you that there exists no king  whose might is greater than ours. Is there a pleasure, a blessing  comparable with that of a juryman? Is there a being who lives more  in the midst of delights, who is more feared, aged though he be?  From the moment I leave my bed, men of power, the most illustrious  in the city, await me at the bar of the tribunal; the moment I am seen  from the greatest distance, they come forward to offer me a gentle  handy-that has pilfered the public funds; they entreat me, bowing  right low and with a piteous voice, "Oh, father," they say, "pity  me, I adjure you by the profit you were able to make in the public  service or in the army, when dealing with the victuals." Why, the  man who speaks thus would not know of my existence, had I not let  him off on some former occasion.  BDELYCLEON  Let us note this first point, the supplicants.  PHILOCLEON  These entreaties have appeased my wrath, and I enter-firmly  resolved to do nothing that I have promised. Nevertheless I listen  to the accused. Oh! what tricks to secure acquittal! Ah! there is no  form of flattery that is not addressed to the Heliast! Some groan over  their poverty and exaggerate it. Others tell us anecdotes or some  comic story from Aesop. Others, again, cut jokes; they fancy I shall  be appeased if I won If we are not even then won over, why, then  they drag forward their young children by the hand, both boys and  girls, who prostrate themselves and whine with one accord, and then  the father, trembling as if before a god, beseeches me not to  condemn him out of pity for them, "If you love the voice of the  lamb, have pity on my sons"; and because I am fond of little sows, I  must yield to his daughter's prayers. Then we relax the heat of our  wrath a little for him. Is not this great power indeed, which allows  even wealth to be disdained?  BDELYCLEON  A second point to note, the disdain of wealth. And now recall to  me what are the advantages you enjoy, you, who pretend to rule over  Greece?  PHILOCLEON  We are entrusted with the inspection of the young men, and thus we  have a right to examine their tools. If Oeagrus is accused, he is  not acquitted before he has recited a passage from 'Niobe' and he  chooses the finest. If a flute-player gains his case, he adjusts his  mouth-strap in return and plays us the final air while we are leaving.  A father on his death-bed names some husband for his daughter, who  is his sole heir; but we care little for his will or for the shell  so solemnly placed over the seal; we give the young maiden to him  who has best known how to secure our wavour. Name me another duty that  is so important and so irresponsible.  BDELYCLEON  Aye, it's a fine privilege, and the only one on which I can  congratulate you; but surely to violate the will is to act badly  towards the heiress.  PHILOCLEON  And if the Senate and the people have trouble in deciding some  important case, it is decreed to send the culprits before the  Heliasts; then Euathlus and the illustrious Colaconymus, who cast away  his shield, swear not to betray us and to fight for the people. Did  ever an orator carry the day with his opinion if he had not first  declared that the jury should be dismissed for the day as soon as they  had given their first verdict? We are the only ones whom Cleon, the  great bawler, does not badger. On the contrary, he protects and  caresses us; he keeps off the flies, which is what you have never done  for your father. Theorus, who is a man not less illustrious than  Euphemius, takes the sponge out of the pot and blacks our shoes. See  then what good things you deprive and despoil me of. Pray, is this  obeying or being a slave, as you pretended to be able to prove?  BDELYCLEON  Talk away to your heart's content; you must come to a stop at last  and then you shall see that this grand power only resembles an ***;  no matter how much you wash it, you can never get it clean.  PHILOCLEON  But I am forgetting the most pleasing thing of all. When I  return home with my pay, everyone runs to greet me because of my  money. First my daughter bathes me, anoints my feet, stoops to kiss me  and, while she is calling me "her dearest father," fishes out my  triobolus with her tongue; then my little wife comes to wheedle me and  brings a nice light cake; she sits beside me and entreats me in a  thousand ways, "Do take this now; do have some more." All this  delights me hugely, and I have no need to turn towards you or the  steward to know when it shall please him to serve my dinner, all the  while cursing and grumbling. But if he does not quickly knead my cake,  I have something which is my defence, my shield against all ills. If  you do not pour me out drink, I have brought this long-eared jar  full of wine. How it brays, when I bend back and bury its neck in my  mouth! It farts like a whole army, and how I laugh at your wine-skins.  (With increasing excitement) As to power, am I not equal to the king  of the gods? If our assembly is noisy, all say as they pass, "Great  gods! the tribunal is rolling out its thunder!" If I let loose the  lightning, the richest, aye, the noblest are half dead with terror and  crap for fright. You yourself are afraid of me, yea, by Demeter! you  are afraid. But may I die if you frighten me.  CHORUS (singing)  Never have I heard speech so elegant or so sensible.  PHILOCLEON  Ah! he thought he had only to turn me round his finger; he should,  however have known the vigour of my eloquence.  CHORUS (singing)  He has said everything without omission. I felt myself grow taller  while I listened to him. Methought myself meting out justice in the  Islands of the Blest, so much was I taken with the charm of his words.  BDELYCLEON  How overjoyed they are! What extravagant delight! Ah! ah! you  are going to get a thrashing to-day.  CHORUS (singing)  Come, plot everything you can to beat him; 'tis not easy to soften  me if you do no talk on my side.  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  If you have nothing but nonsense to spout, it's time to buy a good  millstone, freshly cut withal, to crush my anger.  BDELYCLEON  The cure of a disease, so inveterate and so widespread in  Athens, is a difficult task and of too great importance for the  scope of comedy. Nevertheless, my old father....  PHILOCLEON  Cease to call me by that name, for, if you do not prove me a slave  and that quickly too, you must die by my hand, even if I must be  deprived of my share in the sacred feasts.  BDELYCLEON  Listen to me, dear little father, unruffle that frowning brow  and reckon, you can do so without trouble, not with pebbles, but on  your fingers, what is the sum-total of the tribute paid by the  allied towns; besides this we have the direct imposts, a mass of  percentage dues, the fees of the courts of justice, the produce from  the mines, the markets, the harbours, tile public lands and the  confiscations. All these together amount to nearly two thousand  talents. Take from this sum the annual pay of the dicasts; they number  six thousand, and there have never been more in this town; so  therefore it is one hundred and fifty talents that come to you.  PHILOCLEON  What! our pay is not even a tithe of the state revenue?  BDELYCLEON  Why no, certainly not.  PHILOCLEON  And where does the rest go then?  BDELYCLEON  To those who say: "I shall never betray the interests of the  masses; I shall always fight for the people." And it is you, father,  who let yourself be caught with their fine talk, who give them all  power over yourself. They are the men who extort fifty talents at a  time by threat and intimidation from the allies. "Pay tribute to  me," they say, "or I shall loose the lightning on you-town and destroy  it." And you, you are content to gnaw the crumbs of your own might.  What do the allies do? They see that the Athenian mob lives on the  tribunal in niggard and miserable fashion, and they count you for  nothing, for not more than the vote of Connus; it is on those wretches  that they lavish everything, dishes of salt fish, wine, tapestries,  cheese, honey, chaplets, necklets, drinking-cups, all that yields  pleasure and health. And you, their master, to you as a reward for all  your toil both on land and sea, nothing is given, not even a clove  of garlic to eat with your little fish.  PHILOCLEON  No, undoubtedly not; I have had to send and buy some from  Eucharides. But you told me I was a slave. Prove it then, for I am  dying with impatience.  BDELYCLEON  Is it not the worst of all slaveries to see all these wretches and  their flatterers, whom they gorge with gold, at the head of affairs?  As for you, you are content with the three obols which they give you  and which you have so painfully earned in the galleys, in battles  and sieges. But what I stomach least is that you go to sit on the  tribunal by order. Some young fairy, the son of Chaereas, to wit,  enters your house wiggling his ***, foul with debauchery, on his  straddling legs and charges you to come and judge at daybreak, and  precisely to the minute. "He who presents himself after the opening of  the Court," says he, "will not get the triobolus." But he himself,  though he arrives late, will nevertheless get his drachma as a  public advocate. If an accused man makes him some present, he shares  it with a colleague and the pair agree to arrange the matter like  two sawyers, one of whom pulls and the other pushes. As for you, you  have only eyes for the public pay-clerk, and you see nothing.  PHILOCLEON  Can it be I am treated thus? Oh! what is it you are saying? You  stir me to the bottom of my heart! I am all ears! I cannot express  what I feel.  BDELYCLEON  Consider then; you might be rich, both you and all the others; I  know not why you let yourself be fooled by these folk who call  themselves the people's friends. A myriad of towns obey you, from  the Euxine to Sardis. What do you gain thereby? Nothing but this  miserable pay, and even that is like the oil with which the flock of  wool is impregnated and is doled to you drop by drop, just enough to  keep you from dying of hunger. They want you to be poor, and I will  tell you why. It is so that you may know only those who nourish you,  and so that, if it pleases them to loose you against one of their  foes, you shall leap upon him with fury. If they wished to assure  the well-being of the people, nothing would be easier for them. We  have now a thousand towns that pay us tribute; let them comand each of  these to feed twenty Athenians; then twenty thousand of our citizens  would be eating nothing but hare, would drink nothing but the purest  of milk, and always crowned with garlands, would be enjoying the  delights to which the great name of their country and the trophies  of Marathon give them the right; whereas to-day you are like the hired  labourers who gather the olives; you follow him who pays you.  PHILOCLEON  Alas! my hand is benumbed; I can no longer draw my sword. What has  become of my strength?  BDELYCLEON  When they are afraid, they promise to divide Euboea among you  and to give each fifty bushels of wheat, but what have they given you?  Nothing excepting, quite recently, five bushels of barley, and even  these you have only obtained with great difficulty, on proving you  were not aliens, and then choenix by choenix. (With increasing  excitement) That is why I always kept you shut in; I wanted you to  be fed by me and no longer at the beck of these blustering  braggarts. Even now I am ready to let you have all you want,  provided you no longer let yourself be suckled by the payclerk.  LEADER OF THE CHORUS (to BDELYCLEON)  He was right who said, "Decide nothing till you have heard both  sides," for now it seems to me that you are the one who gains the  complete victory. My wrath is appeased and I throw away my sticks. (To  PHILOCLEON) But, you, our comrade and contemporary....  FIRST SEMI-CHORUS (taking this up in song)  .... let yourself be won over by his words; come, be not too  obstinate or too perverse. Would that I had a relative or kinsman to  correct me thus! Clearly some god is at hand and is now protecting you  and loading you with benefits. Accept them.  BDELYCLEON  I will feed him, I will give him everything that is suitable for  an old man; oatmeal gruel, a cloak, soft furs, and a *** to rub  his tool and his loins. But he keeps silent and will not utter a  sound; that's a bad sign.  SECOND SEMI-CHORUS (singing)  He has thought the thing over and has recognized his folly; he  is reproaching himself for not having followed your advice always. But  there he is, converted by your words, and wiser now, so that he will  no doubt alter his ways in the future and always believe in none but  you.  PHILOCLEON  Alas! alas!  BDELYCLEON  Now why this lamentation?  PHILOCLEON (in tragic style)  A truce to your promises! What I love is down there, down there  I want to be, there, where the herald cries, "Who has not yet voted?  Let him rise!" I want to be the last of all to leave the urn. Oh, my  soul, my soul! where art thou? come! oh! dark shadows, make way for  me! By Heracles, may I reach the court in time to convict Cleon of  theft.  BDELYCLEON  Come, father, in the name of the gods, believe me!  PHILOCLEON  Believe you! Ask me anything, anything, except one.  BDELYCLEON  What is it? Let us hear.  PHILOCLEON  Not to judge any more! Before I consent, I shall have appeared  before Pluto.  BDELYCLEON  Very well then, since you find so much pleasure in it, go down  there no more, but stay here and deal out justice to your slaves.  PHILOCLEON  But what is there to judge? Are you mad?  BDELYCLEON  Everything as in a tribunal. If a servant opens a door secretly,  you inflict upon him a simple fine; that's what you have repeatedly  done down there. Everything can be arranged to suit you. If it is warm  in the morning, you can judge in the sunlight; if it is snowing,  then seated at your fire; if it rains, you go indoors; and if you  don't rise till noon, there will be no Thesmothetes to exclude you  from the precincts.  PHILOCLEON  The notion pleases me.  BDELYCLEON  Moreover, if a pleader is long-winded, you will not be hungering  and chafing and seeking vengeance on the accused.  PHILOCLEON  But could I judge as well with my mouth full?  BDELYCLEON  Much better. Is it not said, that the dicasts, when deceived by  lying witnesses, have need to ruminate well in order to arrive at  the truth?  PHILOCLEON  Well said, but you have not told me yet who will pay my salary.  BDELYCLEON  I will.  PHILOCLEON  So much the better; in this way I shall be paid by myself. Because  that damned jester, Lysistratus, played me an infamous trick the other  day. He received a drachma for the two of us and went on the  fish-market to get it changed and then brought me back three mullet  scales. I took them for obols and crammed them into my mouth; but  the smell choked me and I quickly spat them out. So I dragged him  before the court.  BDELYCLEON  And what did he say to that?  PHILOCLEON  Well, he pretended I had the stomach of a ***. "You have soon  digested the money," he said with a laugh.  BDELYCLEON  You see, that is yet another advantage.  PHILOCLEON  And no small one either. Come, do as you will.  BDELYCLEON  Wait! I will bring everything here.  (He goes into the house.)  PHILOCLEON (to himself)  You see, the oracles are coming true; I have heard it foretold,  that one day the Athenians would dispense justice in their own houses,  that each citizen. would have himself a little tribunal constructed in  his porch similar to the altars of Hecate, and that there would be  such before every door.  BDELYCLEON (returning with slaves who are carrying various objects)  There, what do you think of that? I have brought you everything  needful and much more into the bargain. See, here is a thunder-mug in  case you have to pee; I shall hang it up beside you.  PHILOCLEON  Good idea! Right useful at my age. You have found the true  alleviation of bladder troubles.  BDELYCLEON  Here is a fire, and near to it are lentils, should you want to  have a bite to eat.  PHILOCLEON  That's admirably arranged. In this way, even when feverish, I  shall nevertheless receive my pay; and besides, I could eat my lentils  without quitting my seat. But why this ***?  BDELYCLEON  So that, should you doze during some pleading, he may awaken you  by crowing up there.  PHILOCLEON  I want only for one thing more; all the rest is as good as can be.  BDELYCLEON  What is that?  PHILOCLEON  If only they could bring me an image of the hero Lycus.  BDELYCLEON  Here it is! Why, you might think it was the god himself!  PHILOCLEON  Oh! hero, my master I how repulsive you are to look at I  BDELYCLEON  He looks just like Cleonymus.  PHILOCLEON  That is why, hero though he be, he has no weapon.  BDELYCLEON  The sooner you take your seat, the sooner I shall call a case.  PHILOCLEON  Call it, for I have been seated ever so long.  BDELYCLEON  Let us see. What case shall we bring up first? Is there a slave  who has done something wrong? Ah! you Thracian there, you burnt the  stew-pot the other day.  PHILOCLEON  Wait, wait! This is a fine state of affairs! You almost made me  judge without a bar, and that is the most sacred thing of all for us.  BDELYCLEON  There isn't any, by Zeus.  PHILOCLEON  I'll run indoors and get one myself. (Exit)  BDELYCLEON  What does it matter? Terrible thing, the force of habit.  XANTHIAS (coming out of the house)  Damn that animal! How can anyone keep such a dog?  BDELYCLEON  Hullo! what's the matter?  XANTHIAS  Oh, it's Labes, who has just rushed into the kitchen and seized  a whole Sicilian cheese and gobbled it up.  BDELYCLEON  Good! this will be the first offence I shall make my father try.  (To XANTHIAS) Come along and lay your accusation. XANTHIAS No, not  I; the other dog vows he will be accuser, if the matter is brought  up for trial.  BDELYCLEON  Well then, bring them both along.  XANTHIAS  That's what we'll have to do.  (He goes hack into the house. A moment later PHILOCLEON comes  out.)  BDELYCLEON  What is this?  PHILOCLEON  The pig-trough of the swine dedicated to Hestia.  BDELYCLEON  Did you steal it from a shrine?  PHILOCLEON  No, no, by addressing Hestia first, I might, thanks to her,  crush an adversary. But put an end to delay by calling up the case. My  verdict is already settled.  BDELYCLEON  Wait! I still have to bring out the tablets and the scrolls.  (He goes into the house.)  PHILOCLEON  Oh! I am boiling, I am dying with impatience at your delays. I  could have traced the sentence in the dust.  BDELYCLEON (coming out with tablets and scrolls)  There you are.  PHILOCLEON  Then call the case.  BDELYCLEON  Right. Who is first on the docket?  PHILOCLEON  My god! This is unbearable! I have forgotten the urns.  BDELYCLEON  Now where are you going?  PHILOCLEON  To look for the urns.  BDELYCLEON  Don't bother, I have these pots.  PHILOCLEON  Very well, then we have all we need, except the clepsydra.  BDELYCLEON (pointing to the thunder-mug)  What is this if it is not a clepsydra?  PHILOCLEON  You know how to supply everything.  BDELYCLEON  Let fire be brought quickly from the house with myrtle boughs  and incense, and let us invoke the gods before opening the sitting.  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  Offer them libations and your vows and we will thank them that a  noble agreement has put an end to your bickerings and strife. And  first let there be a sacred silence.  CHORUS (singing)  Oh! god of Delphi! oh! Phoebus Apollo! convert into the greatest  blessing for us all what is now happening before this house, and  cure us of our error, oh, Paean, our helper!  BDELYCLEON (solemnly)  Oh, Powerful god, Apollo Aguieus, who watchest at the door of my  entrance hall, accept this fresh sacrifice; I offer it that you may  deign to soften my father's excessive severity; he is as hard as iron,  his heart is like sour wine; do thou pour into it a little honey.  Let him become gentle toward other men, let him take more interest  in the accused than in the accusers, may he allow himself to be  softened by entreaties; calm his acrid humour and deprive his  irritable mind of all sting.  CHORUS (singing)  We unite our vows and chants to those of this new magistrate.  His words have won our favour and we are convinced that he loves the  people more than any of the young men of the present day.  (XANTHIAS brings in two persons costumed as dogs, but with masks  that suggest Laches and Cleon.)  BDELYCLEON  If there be any judge near at hand, let him enter; once the  proceedings have opened, we shall admit him no more.  PHILOCLEON  Who is the defendant?  BDELYCLEON  This one.  PHILOCLEON (aside)  He does not stand a chance.  BDELYCLEON  Listen to the indictment. A dog of Cydathenaea doth hereby  charge Labes of Aexonia with having devoured a Sicilian cheese by  himself without accomplices. Penalty demanded, a collar of fig-tree  wood.  PHILOCLEON  Nay, a dog's death, if convicted.  BDELYCLEON  This is Labes, the defendant.  PHILOCLEON  Oh! what a wretched brute! how entirely he looks the rogue! He  thinks to deceive me by keeping his jaws closed. Where is the  plaintiff, the dog of Cydathenaea?  DOG  Bow wow! bow wow!  BDELYCLEON  Here he is.  PHILOCLEON  Why, he's another Labes, a great barker and a licker of dishes.  BDELYCLEON (as Herald)  Silence! Keep your seats! (To the Cydathenaean dog.) And you, up  on your feet and accuse him.  PHILOCLEON  Go on, and I will help myself and eat these lentils.  DOG  Gentlemen of the jury, listen to this indictment I have drawn  up. He has committed the blackest of crimes, against both me and the  ***. He sought refuge in a dark corner to glutton on a big Sicilian  cheese, with which he sated his hunger.  PHILOCLEON  Why, the crime is clear; the filthy brute this very moment belched  forth a horrible odour of cheese right under my nose.  DOG  And he refused to share with me. And yet can anyone style  himself your benefactor, when he does not cast a morsel to your poor  dog?  PHILOCLEON  He has not shared anything, not even with his comrade. His madness  is as hot as my lentils.  BDELYCLEON  In the name of the gods, father! No hurried verdict without  hearing the other side!  PHILOCLEON  But the evidence is plain; the fact speaks for itself.  DOG  Then beware of acquitting the most selfish of canine gluttons, who  has devoured the whole cheese, rind and all, prowling round the  platter.  PHILOCLEON  There is not even enough left for me to fill up the chinks in my  pitcher.  DOG  Besides, you must punish him, because the same house cannot keep  two thieves. Let me not have barked in vain, else I shall never bark  again.  PHILOCLEON  Oh! the black deeds he has just denounced! What a shameless thief!  Say, ***, is not that your opinion too? Ha, ha! He thinks as I do.  Here, Thesmothetes! where are you? Hand me the thunder-mug.  BDELYCLEON  Get it yourself. I go to call the witnesses; these are a plate,  a pestle, a cheese knife, a brazier, a stew-pot and other half-burnt  utensils. (To PHILOCLEON) But you have not finished? you are  piddling away still! Have done and be seated.  PHILOCLEON  Ha, ha! I reckon I know somebody who will crap for fright to-day.  BDELYCLEON  Will you never cease showing yourself hard and intractable, and  especially to the accused? You tear them to pieces tooth and nail. (To  LABES) Come forward and defend yourself. What means this silence?  Answer.  PHILOCLEON  No doubt he has nothing to say.  BDELYCLEON  Not at all, I think he has got what happened once to Thucydides in  court; his jaws suddenly set fast. Get away! I will undertake your  defence.-Gentlemen of the jury, it is a difficult thing to speak for a  dog who has been calumniated, but nevertheless I will try. He is a  good dog, and he chases wolves finely.  PHILOCLEON  He is a thief and a conspirator.  BDELYCLEON  No, he is the best of all our dogs; he is capable of guarding a  whole flock.  PHILOCLEON  And what good is that, if he eats the cheese?  BDELYCLEON  What? he fights for you, he guards your door; he is an excellent  dog in every respect. Forgive him his larceny! he is wretchedly  ignorant, he cannot play the lyre.  PHILOCLEON  I wish he did not know how to write either; then the rascal  would not have drawn up his pleadings.  BDELYCLEON  Witnesses, I pray you, listen. Come forward, grating-knife, and  speak up; answer me clearly. You were paymaster at the time. Did you  grate out to the soldiers what was given you?-He says he did so.  PHILOCLEON  But, by Zeus! he lies.  BDELYCLEON  Oh! have patience. Take pity on the unfortunate. Labes feeds  only on fish-bones and fishes' heads and has not an instant of  peace. The other is good only to guard the house; he never moves  from here, but demands his share of all that is brought in and bites  those who refuse.  PHILOCLEON (aside)  Oh! Heaven! have I fallen ill? I feel my anger cooling! Woe to me!  I am softening!  BDELYCLEON  Have pity, father, pity, I adjure you; you would not have him  dead. Where are his puppies? (A group of children costumed as  puppies comes out.) Come, poor little beasties, yap, up on your  haunches, beg and whine!  PHILOCLEON  Descend, descend, descend, descend!  BDELYCLEON  I will descend, although that word, "descend," has too often  raised false hope. None the less, I will descend.  PHILOCLEON  Plague seize it! Have I then done wrong to eat! What! I, crying!  Ah! I certainly should not be weeping, if I were not stuffed with  lentils.  BDELYCLEON  Then he is acquitted?  PHILOCLEON  It is difficult to tell.  BDELYCLEON  Ah! my dear father, be good! be humane! Take this voting pebble  and rush with your eyes closed to that second urn and, father,  acquit him.  PHILOCLEON  No, I know no more how to acquit than to play the lyre.  BDELYCLEON  Come quickly, I will show you the way.  (He takes his father by the hand and leads him to the second urn.)  PHILOCLEON  Is this the first urn?  BDELYCLEON  Yes.  PHILOCLEON (dropping in his vote)  Then I have voted.  BDELYCLEON (aside)  I have fooled him and he has acquitted in spite of himself. (To  PHILOCLEON) Come, I will turn out the urns.  PHILOCLEON  What is the result?  BDELYCLEON  We shall see. (He examines both urns.) Labes, you stand acquitted.  (PHILOCLEON faints) Eh! father, what's the matter, what is it? (To  slaves) Water! water! (To PHILOCLEON) Pull yourself together, sir!  PHILOCLEON (weakly)  Tell me! Is he really acquitted?  BDELYCLEON  Yes, certainly.  PHILOCLEON (falling back)  Then it's all over with me!  BDELYCLEON  Courage, dear father, don't let this afflict you so terribly.  PHILOCLEON (dolefully)  And so I have charged my conscience with the acquittal of an  accused being! What will become of me? Sacred gods! forgive me. I  did it despite myself; it is not in my character.  BDELYCLEON  Do not vex yourself, father; I will feed you well, will take you  everywhere to eat and drink with me; you shall go to every feast;  henceforth your life shall be nothing but pleasure, and Hyperbolus  shall no longer have you for a tool. But come, let us go in.  PHILOCLEON (resignedly)  So be it; if you will, let us go in.  (They all go into the house.)  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  Go where it pleases you and may your happiness be great. (The  CHORUS turns and faces the audience.) You meanwhile, oh! countless  myriads, listen to the sound counsels I am going to give you and  take care they are not lost upon you. That would be the fate of vulgar  spectators, not that of such an audience. Hence, people, lend me  your ear, if you love frank speaking.  The poet has a reproach to make against his audience; he says  you have ill-treated him in return for the many services he has  rendered you. At first he kept himself in the background and lent help  secretly to other poets, and like the prophetic Genius, who hid  himself in the belly of Eurycles, slipped within the spirit of another  and whispered to him many a comic hit. Later he ran the risks of the  theatre on his own account, with his face uncovered, and dared to  guide his Muse unaided. Though overladen with success and honours more  than any of your poets, indeed despite all his glory, he does not  yet believe he has attained his goal; his heart is not swollen with  pride and he does not seek to seduce the young folk in the wrestling  school. If any lover runs up to him to complain because he is  furious at seeing the object of his passion derided on the stage, he  takes no heed of such reproaches, for he is inspired only with  honest motives and his Muse is no pander. From the very outset of  his dramatic career he has disdained to assail those who were men, but  with a courage worthy of Heracles himself he attacked the most  formidable monsters, and at the beginning went straight for that beast  with the sharp teeth, with the terrible eyes that flashed lambent fire  like those of Cynna, surrounded by a hundred lewd flatterers who  spittle-licked him to his heart's content; he had a voice like a  roaring torrent, the stench of a seal, the unwashed balls of a  Lamia, and the *** of a camel. Our poet did not tremble at the  sight of this horrible monster, nor did he dream of gaining him  over; and again this very day he is fighting for your good. Last  year besides, he attacked those pale, shivering and feverish beings  who strangled your fathers in the dark, throttled your grandfathers,  and who, lying in the beds of the most inoffensive, piled up against  them lawsuits, summonses and witnesses to such an extent, that many of  them flew in terror to the Polemarch for refuge. Such is the  champion you have found to purify your country of all its evil, and  last year you betrayed him, when he sowed the most novel ideas, which,  however, did not strike root, because you did not understand their  value; notwithstanding this, he swears by Bacchus, the while  offering him libations, that none ever heard better comic verses. It  is a disgrace to you not to have caught their drift at once; as for  the poet, he is none the less appreciated by the enlightened judges.  He shivered his oars in rushing boldly forward to board his foe. (With  increasing excitement) But in future, my dear fellow-citizens, love  and honour more those of your poets who seek to imagine and express  some new thought. Make their ideas your own, keep them in your caskets  like sweet-scented fruit. If you do, your clothing will emit an  odour of wisdom the whole year through.  FIRST SEMI-CHORUS (singing)  Ah, once long ago we were brave in the dance, brave too in battle,  and on this account alone the most courageous of men! That was  formerly, was formerly; all that is gone now and these hairs of ours  are whiter than the swan. But from what is left we must rekindle a  youthful ardour; really we prefer our old age to the curly hair and  the fine clothes and the effeminacy of many of the young.  LEADER OF THE FIRST SEMI-CHORUS  Should any among you spectators look upon me with wonder,  because of this wasp waist, or not know the meaning of this sting, I  will soon dispel his ignorance. We, who wear this appendage, are the  true Attic men, who alone are noble and native to the soil, the  bravest of all people. We are the ones who, weapon in hand, did so  much for the country, when the barbarian shed torrents of fire and  smoke over our city in his relentless desire to seize our nests by  force. At once we ran up, armed with lance and buckler, and, drunk  with the bitter wine of anger, we gave them battle, man standing to  man and rage distorting our lips. A hail of arrows hid the sky.  However, by the help of the gods, we drove off the foe to, wards  evening. Before the battle an owl had flown over our army. Then we  pursued them with our lance-point in their loins as one hunts the  tunny-fish; they fled and we stung them in the jaw and in the eyes, so  that even now the barbarians tell each other that there is nothing  in the world more to be feared than the Attic wasp.  SECOND SEMI-CHORUS (singing)  Oh! at that time I was terrible, I feared nothing; forth on my  galleys I went in search of my foe and subjected him. Then we never  thought of rounding fine phrases, we never dreamt of calumny; it was  who should prove the strongest rower. And thus we took many a town  from the Medes, and 'tis to us that Athens owes the tributes that  our young men thieve to-day.  LEADER OF THE SECOND SEMI-CHORUS  Look well at us, and you will see that we have all the character  and habits of the wasp. Firstly, if roused, no beings are more  irascible, more relentless than we are. In all other things, too, we  act like wasps. We collect in swarms, in a kind of nests, and some  go judging with the Archon, some with the Eleven, others at the Odeon;  there are yet others, who hardly move at all, like the grubs in the  cells, but remain glued to the walls, and bent double to the ground.  We also pay full attention to the discovery of all sorts of means of  existing and sting the first who comes, so as to live at his  expense. Finally, we have among us drones, who have no sting and  who, without giving themselves the least trouble, seize on our  revenues as they flow past them and devour them. It's this that  grieves us most of all, to see men who have never served or held  either lance or oar in defence of their country, enriching  themselves at our expense without ever raising a blister on their  hands. In short, I give it as my deliberate opinion that in future  every citizen not possessed of a sting shall not receive the  triobolus.  (PRILOCLEON comes out of the house, followed by his son and a  slave. The CHORUS turns to face them.)  PHILOCLEON  As long as I live, I will never give up this cloak; it's the one I  wore in that battle when Boreas delivered us from such fierce attacks.  BDELYCLEON  You do not know what is good for you.  PHILOCLEON  Ah! I do not know how to use fine clothing! The other day, when  cramming myself with fried fish, I dropped so many grease spots that I  had to pay three obols to the cleaner.  BDELYCLEON  At least have a try, since you have once for all handed the care  for your well-being over to me.  PHILOCLEON  Very well then! what must I do?  BDELYCLEON  Take off your cloak, and put on this tunic in its stead.  PHILOCLEON  Was it worth while to beget and bring up children, so that this  one should now wish to choke me?  BDELYCLEON  Come, take this tunic and put it on without so much talk.  PHILOCLEON  Great gods! what sort of a cursed garment is this?  BDELYCLEON  Some call it a pelisse, others a Persian cloak.  PHILOCLEON  Ah! I thought it was a wraprascal like those made at Thymaetis.  BDELYCLEON  No wonder. It's only at Sardis you could have seen them, and you  have never been there.  PHILOCLEON  Of course not, but it seems to me exactly like the mantle Morychus  sports.  BDELYCLEON  Not at all; I tell you they are woven at Ecbatana.  PHILOCLEON  What! are there woollen ox-guts then at Ecbatana?  BDELYCLEON  Whatever are you talking about? These are woven by the  barbarians at great cost. I am certain this pelisse has consumed  more than a talent of wool.  PHILOCLEON  It should be called wool-waster then instead of pelisse.  BDELYCLEON  Come, father, just hold still for a moment and put it on.  PHILOCLEON  Oh! horrors! what a waft of heat the *** sends up my nose!  BDELYCLEON  Will you have done with this fooling?  PHILOCLEON  No by Zeus.  BDELYCLEON  But good sir....  PHILOCLEON  If need be, I prefer you should put me in the oven.  BDELYCLEON  Come, I will put it round you. There!  PHILOCLEON  At all events, bring out a crook.  BDELYCLEON  Why, whatever for?  PHILOCLEON  To drag me out of it before I am quite melted.  BDELYCLEON  Now take off those wretched clogs and put on these nice Laconian  slippers.  PHILOCLEON  I put on odious slippers made by our foes! Never  BDELYCLEON  Come! put your foot in and push hard. Quick!  PHILOCLEON  You're doing wrong here. You want me to put my foot on Laconian  ground.  BDELYCLEON  Now the other.  PHILOCLEON  Ah! no, not that foot; one of its toes holds the Laconians in  horror  BDELYCLEON  Positively you must.  PHILOCLEON  Alas! alas! Then I shall have no chilblains in my old age.  BDELYCLEON  Now, hurry up and get them on; and now imitate the easy effeminate  gait of the rich. See, like this.  (He takes a few steps.)  PHILOCLEON (trying to do likewise)  There!.... Look at my get-up and tell me which rich man I most  resemble in my walk.  BDELYCLEON  Why, you look like a garlic plaster on a boil.  PHILOCLEON  Ah! I am longing to swagger and sway my *** about.  BDELYCLEON  Now, will you know how to talk gravely with well-informed men of  good class?  PHILOCLEON  Undoubtedly.  BDELYCLEON  What will you say to them?  PHILOCLEON  Oh, lots of things. First of all I shall say, that Lamia, seeing  herself caught, let flee a fart; then, that Cardopion and his  mother....  BDELYCLEON  Come, no fabulous tales, pray! talk of realities, of domestic  facts, as is usually done.  PHILOCLEON  Ah! I know something that is indeed most domestic. Once upon a  time there was a rat and a cat....  BDELYCLEON  "Oh, you ignorant fool," as Theagenes said to the dung-gatherer in  a rage. Are you going to talk of cats and rats among high-class  people?  PHILOCLEON  Then what should I talk about?  BDELYCLEON  Tell some dignified story. Relate how you were sent on a solemn  mission with Androcles and Clisthenes.  PHILOCLEON  On a mission! never in my life, except once to Paros, a job  which brought me in two obols a day.  BDELYCLEON  At least say, that you have just seen Ephudion doing well in the  pancratium with Ascondas and, that despite his age and his white hair,  he is still robust in loin and arm and flank and that his chest is a  very breast-plate.  PHILOCLEON  Stop! stop! what nonsense! Who ever contested at the pancratium  with a breast-plate on?  BDELYCLEON  That is how well-behaved folk like to talk. But another thing.  When at wine, it would be fitting to relate some good story of your  youthful days. What is your most brilliant feat?  PHILOCLEON  My best feat? Ah! when I stole Ergasion's vine-props.  BDELYCLEON  You and your vine-props! you'll be the death of me! Tell of one of  your boar-hunts or of when you coursed the hare. Talk about some  torch-race you were in; tell of some deed of daring.  PHILOCLEON  Ah! my most daring dee, was when, quite a young man still, I  prosecuted Phayllus, the runner, for defamation, and he was  condemded by majority of two votes.  BDELYCLEON  Enough of that! Now recline there, and practise the bearing that  is fitting at table in society.  PHILOCLEON  How must I recline? Tell me quick!  BDELYCLEON  In an elegant style.  PHILOCLEON (lying on the ground)  Like this?  BDELYCLEON  Not at all.  PHILOCLEON  How then?  BDELYCLEON  Spread your knees on the tapestries and give your body the most  easy curves, like those taught in the gymnasium. Then praise some  bronze vase, survey the ceiling, admire the awning stretched over  the court. Water is poured over our hands; the tables are spread; we  sup and, after ablution, we now offer libations to the gods.  PHILOCLEON  But, by Zeus! this supper is but a dream, it appears!  BDELYCLEON  The flute-player has finished the prelude. The guests are Theorus,  Aeschines, Phanus, Cleon, Acestor; and beside this last, I don't  know who else. You are with them. Shall you know exactly how to take  up the songs that are started?  PHILOCLEON  Quite well.  BDELYCLEON  Really?  PHILOCLEON  Better than any born mountaineer of Attica.  BDELYCLEON  That we shall see. Suppose me to be Cleon. I am the first to begin  the song of Harmodius, and you take it up: "There never yet was seen  in Athens....  PHILOCLEON  ....such a rogue or such a thief."  BDELYCLEON  Why, you wretched man, it will be the end of you if you sing that.  He will vow your ruin, your destruction, to chase you out of the  country.  PHILOCLEON  Well! then I shall answer his threats with another song: "With  your madness for supreme power, you will end by overthrowing the city,  which even now totters towards ruin."  BDELYCLEON  And when Theorus, prone at Cleon's feet, takes his hand and sings,  "Like Admetus, love those who are brave," what reply will you make  him?  PHILOCLEON  I shall sing, "I know not how to play the fox, nor call myself the  friend of both parties."  BDELYCLEON  Then comes the turn of Aeschines, the son of Sellus, and a  well-trained and clever musician, who will sing, "Good things and  riches for Clitagora and me and eke for the Thessalians!"  PHILOCLEON  "The two of us have squandered a great deal between us."  BDELYCLEON  At this game you seem at home. But come, we will go and dine  with Philoctemon.-Slave! slave! place our dinner in a basket; we are  going out for a good long drinking bout.  PHILOCLEON  By no means, it is too dangerous; for after drinking, one breaks  in doors, one comes to blows, one batters everything. Anon, when the  wine is slept off, one is forced to pay.  ELYCLEON  Not if you are with decent people. Either they undertake to  appease the offended person or, better still, you say something witty,  you tell some comic story, perhaps one of those you have yourself  heard at table, either in Aesop's style or in that of Sybaris;  everyone laughs and the trouble is ended.  PHILOCLEON  Faith! it's worth while learning many stories then, if you are  thus not punished for the ill you do. But come, no more delay!  (They go out.)  CHORUS (singing)  More than once have I given proof of cunning and never of  stupidity, but how much more clever is Amynias, the son of Sellus  and of the race of forelock-wearers; him we saw one day coming to dine  with Leogaras, bringing as his share one apple and a pomegranate,  and bear in mind he was as hungry as Antiphon. He went on an embassy  to Pharsalus, and there he lived solely among the Thessalian  mercenaries; indeed, is he not the vilest of mercenaries himself?  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  Oh! blessed, oh! fortunate Automenes, how enviable is your  fortune! You have three sons, the most industrious in the world; one  is the friend of all, a very able man, the first among the  lyre-players, the favourite of the Graces. The second is an actor, and  his talent is beyond all praise. As for Ariphrades, he is by far the  most gifted; his father would swear to me, that without any master  whatever and solely through the spontaneous effort of his happy  nature, he taught himself to exercise his tongue in the whorehouses,  where he spends the whole of his time.  Some have said that I and Cleon were reconciled. This is the truth  of the matter: Cleon was harassing me, persecuting and belabouring  me in every way; and, when I was being fleeced, the public laughed  at seeing me uttering such loud cries; not that they cared about me,  but simply curious to know whether, when trodden down by my enemy, I  would not hurl at him some taunt. Noticing this, I have played the  wheedler a bit; but now, look! the prop is deceiving the vine!  (XANTHIAS enters, weeping and wailing and rubbing his sides.)  XANTHIAS  Oh! tortoises! happy to have so hard a skin! Oh! creatures full of  sense! what a happy thought to cover your bodies with this shell,  which shields it from blows! As for me, I can no longer move; the  stick has so belaboured my body.  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  Why, what's the matter, my child? for, old as he may be, one has  the right to call anyone a child who has let himself be beaten.  XANTHIAS  Alas! my master is really the worst of all plagues. He was the  most drunk of all the guests, and yet among them were Hippyllus,  Antiphon, Lycon, Lysistratus, Theophrastus and Phrynichus. But he  was hundred times more insolent than any. As soon as he had stuffed  himself with a host of good dishes, he began to leap and spring, to  laugh and to fart like a little *** well stuffed with barley. Then  he set to beating me with all his heart, shouting, "Slave! slave!"  Lysistratus, as soon as he saw him, let fly this comparison at him.  "Old fellow," said he, "you resemble one of the *** assuming the airs  of a rich man or a stupid *** that has broken loose from its  stable." "As for you," bawled the other at the top of his voice,  "you are like a grasshopper, whose cloak is worn to the thread, or  like Sthenelus after his clothes had been sold." All applauded  excepting Theophrastus, who made a grimace as behoved a well-bred  man like him. The old man called to him, "Hi! tell me then what you  have to be proud of? Not so much mouthing, you, who so well know how  to play the buffoon and to lick-spittle the rich!" In this way he  insulted each in turn with the grossest of jests, and he reeled off  a thousand of the most absurd and ridiculous speeches. At last, when  he was thoroughly drunk, he started towards here, striking everyone he  met. Wait, here he comes reeling along. I will be off for fear of  his blows.  (PHILOCLEON enters, inebriated and hilarious, carrying a torch;  his other hand is occupied with a wholly nude flute-girl; he is  followed by a group of angry victims of his exuberance.)  PHILOCLEON (singing)  Halt! and let everyone begone, or I shall do an evil turn to  some of those who insist on following me. Clear off, rascals, or I  shall roast you with this torch!  GUEST  We shall all make you smart to-morrow for your youthful pranks. We  shall come in a body to summon you to justice.  PHILOCLEON (singing)  Ho! ho! summon me? what old women's babble! Know that I can no  longer bear to hear even the name of suits. Ha! ha! ha! this is what  pleases me, "Down with the urns!" Get out of here! Down with the  dicasts! away with them, away with them!  (Dropping into speech; to the flute-girl)  Mount up there, my little gilded ***-chafer; take hold of this  rope's end in your hand. Hold it tight, but have a care; the rope's  a bit old and worn. But even though it's worn, it still has its  virtues. Do you see how opportunely I got you away from the  solicitations of those fellators, who wanted you to make love to  them in their own odd way? You therefore owe me this return to gratify  me. But will you pay the debt? Oh! I know well you will not even  try; you will play with me, you will laugh heartily at me as you  have done at many another man. And yet, if you would not be a  naughty girl, I would redeem you, when my son is dead, and you  should be my concubine, my little one. At present I am not my own  master; I am very young and am watched very closely. My dear son never  lets me out of his sight; he's an unbearable creature, who would  quarter a thread and skin a flint; he is afraid I should get lost, for  I am his only father. But here he comes running towards us. But be  quick, don't stir, hold these torches. I am going to play him a  young man's trick, the same as he played me before I was initiated  into the mysteries.  BDELYCLEON  Oh! oh! you debauched old dotard! you are amorous, it seems, of  pretty baggages; but, by Apollo, it shall not be with impunity!  PHILOCLEON  Ah! you would be very glad to eat a lawsuit in vinegar, you would.  BDELYCLEON  Only a rascal would steal the flute-girl away from the other  guests.  PHILOCLEON  What flute-girl? Are you distraught, as if you had just returned  from Pluto?  BDELYCLEON  By Zeus! But here is the Dardanian *** in person.  PHILOCLEON  Nonsense. This is a torch that I have lit in the public square  in honour of the gods.  BDELYCLEON  Is this a torch?  PHILOCLEON  A torch? Certainly. Do you not see it is of several different  colours?  DELYCLEON  And what is that black part in the middle?  PHILOCLEON  That's the pitch running out while it burns.  BDELYCLEON  And there, on the other side, surely that is a girl's bottom?  PHILOCLEON  No. That's just a small bit of the torch, that projects.  BDELYCLEON  What do you mean? what bit? Hi! you woman! come here!  PHILOCLEON  Oh! What do you want to do?  BDELYCLEON  To take her away from you and lead her off. You are too much  worn out and can do nothing.  (He takes the girl into the house.)  PHILOCLEON  Listen to me! One day, at Olympia, I saw Euphudion boxing  bravely against Ascondas; he was already aged, and yet with a blow  from his fist he knocked down his young opponent. So watch out that  I don't blacken your eves.  BDELYCLEON (who has returned)  By Zeus! you have Olympia at your finger-ends!  (A BAKER'S WIFE enters with an empty basket; she brings CHAEREPHON  with her as witness.)  BAKER'S WIFE (to CHAEREPHON)  Come to my help, I beg you, in the name of the gods! This cursed  man, when striking out right and left with his torch, knocked over ten  loaves worth an obolus apiece, and then, to cap the deal, four others.  BDELYCLEON  Do you see what lawsuits you are drawing upon yourself with your  drunkenness? You will have to plead.  PHILOCLEON  Oh, no, no! a little pretty talk and pleasant tales will soon  settle the matter and reconcile her with me. Not so, by the  goddesses twain! It shall not be said that you have with impunity  spoilt the wares of Myrtia, the daughter of Ancylion and Sostrate.  PHILOCLEON  Listen, woman, I wish to tell you a lovely anecdote.  BAKER'S WIFE  By Zeus, no anecdotes for me, thank you.  PHILOCLEON  One night Aesop was going out to supper. A drunken *** had the  impudence to bark near him. Aesop said to her, "Oh, ***, ***!  you would do well to sell your wicked tongue and buy some wheat."  BAKER'S WIFE  You make a mock of me! Very well! I don't care who you are, I  shall summons you before the market inspectors for damage done to my  business. Chaerephon here shall be my witness.  PHILOCLEON  But just listen, here's another will perhaps please you better.  Lasus and Simonides were contesting against each other for the singing  prize. Lasus said, "Damned if I care."  BAKER'S WIFE  Ah! really, did he now!  PHILOCLEON  As for you, Chaerephon, can you be witness to this woman, who  looks as pale and tragic as Ino when she throws herself from her  rock...at the feet of Euripides?  (The BAKER'S WIFE and CHAEREPHON depart.)  BDELYCLEON  Here, I suppose, comes another to summons you; he has his  witness too. Ah! unhappy indeed we are!  (A badly bruised man enters.)  ACCUSER  I summons you, old man, for outrage.  BDELYCLEON  For outrage? Oh! in the name of the gods, do not summons him! I  will be answerable for him; name the price and I will be more more  grateful still.  PHILOCLEON  I ask for nothing better than to be reconciled with him; for I  admit I struck him and threw stones at him. So, first come here.  Will you leave it in my hands to name the indemnity I must pay, if I  promise you my friendship as well, or will you fix it yourself?  ACCUSER  Fix it; I like neither lawsuits nor disputes.  PHILOCLEON  A man of Sybaris fell from his chariot and wounded his head most  severely; he was a very poor driver. One of his friends came up to him  and said, "Every man to his trade." Well then, go you to Pittalus to  get mended.  BDELYCLEON  You are incorrigible.  ACCUSER (to his witness)  At all events, make a note of his reply. (They start to leave.)  PHILOCLEON  Listen, instead of going off so abruptly. A woman at Sybaris broke  a box.  ACCUSER (to his witness)  I again ask you to witness this.  PHILOCLEON  The box therefore had the fact attested, but the woman said,  "Never worry about witnessing the matter, but hurry off to buy a  cord to tie it together with; that will be the more sensible course."  ACCUSER  Oh! go on with your ribaldry until the Archon calls the case.  (He and his witness depart.)  BDELYCLEON (to PHILOCLEON)  By Demeter! you'll stay here no longer! I am going to take you and  carry you off.  PHILOCLEON  And what for?  BDELYCLEON  What for? I am going to carry you into the house, so that the  accusers will not run out of witnesses.  PHILOCLEON  One day at Delphi, Aesop....  BDELYCLEON  I don't care a fig for that.  PHILOCLEON  ....was accused of having stolen a sacred vase. But he replied,  that the horn-beetle....  BDELYCLEON  Oh, dear, dear! You'll drive me crazy with your horn-beetle.  (PHILOCLEON goes on with his fable while BDELYCLEON is carrying him  off the scene by main force.)  CHORUS (singing)  I envy you your happiness, old man. What a contrast to his  former frugal habits and his very hard life! Taught now in quite  another school, he will know nothing but the pleasures of ease.  Perhaps he will jibe at it, for indeed it is difficult to renounce  what has become one's second nature. However, many have done it, and  adopting the ideas of others, have changed their use and wont. As  for Philocleon's son, I, like all wise and judicious men, cannot  sufficiently praise his filial tenderness and his tact. Never have I  met a more amiable nature, and I have conceived the greatest  fondness for him. How he triumphed on every point in his discussion  with his father, when he wanted to bring him back to more worthy and  honourable tastes!  XANTHIAS (coming out of the house)  By Bacchus! Some Evil Genius has brought this unbearable  disorder into our house. The old man, full up with wine and excited by  the sound of the flute, is so delighted, so enraptured, that he is  spending the night executing the old dances that Thespis first  produced on the stage, and just now he offered to prove to the  modern tragedians, by disputing with them for the dancing prize,  that they are nothing but a lot of old dotards.  (BDELYCLEON comes out of the house with his father who is costumed  as POLYPHEMUS in Euripides' Cyclops.)  PHILOCLEON  "Who loiters at the door of the vestibule?"  XANTHIAS  Here comes our pest, our plague!  PHILOCLEON  Let down the barriers. The dance is now to begin.  (He begins to dance in a manner grotesquely parodying that of  Euripides.)  XANTHIAS  Or rather the madness.  PHILOCLEON  Impetuous movement already twists and racks my sides. How my  nostrils wheeze! how my back cracks!  XANTHIAS  Go and fill yourself with hellebore.  PHILOCLEON  Phrynichus is as bold as a *** and terrifies his rivals.  XANTHIAS  He'll be ***.  PHILOCLEON  His leg kicks out sky-high....  XANTHIAS  ....and his *** gapes open.  PHILOCLEON  Mind your own business. Look how easily my leg-joints move.  Isn't that good?  XANTHIAS  God, no, it's merely insane!  PHILOCLEON  And now I summon and challenge my rivals. It there be a tragic  poet who pretends to be a skilful dancer, let him come and contest the  matter with me. Is there one? Is there not one?  XANTHIAS  Here comes one, and one only.  (A very small dancer, costumed as a crab, enters.)  PHILOCLEON  Who is the wretch?  XANTHIAS  The younger son of Carcinus.  PHILOCLEON  I will crush him to nothing; in point of keeping time, I will  knock him out, for he knows nothing of rhythm.  XANTHIAS  Ah! ah! here comes his brother too, another tragedian, and another  son of Carcinus.  (Another dancer, hardly larger than the first, and similarly  costumed, enters.)  PHILOCLEON  Him I will devour for my dinner.  XANTHIAS  Oh! ye gods! I see nothing but crabs. Here is yet another son of  Carcinus.  (A third dancer enters, likewise resembling a crab, but smaller  than either of the others.)  PHILOCLEON  What's this? A shrimp or a spider?  XANTHIAS  It's a crab,-a hermit-crab, the smallest of its kind; it writes  tragedies.  PHILOCLEON  Oh! Carcinus, how proud you should be of your brood! What a  crowd of kinglets have come swooping down here! But we shall have to  measure ourselves against them. Have marinade prepared for seasoning  them, in case I prove the victor.  LEADER OF THE CHORUS  Let us stand out of the way a little, so that they may twirl at  their ease.  CHORUS  (It divides in two and accompanies with its song the wild  dancing of PHILOCLEON and the sons of CARCINUS in the centre of the  Orchestra.) Come, illustrious children of this inhabitant of the  brine, brothers of the shrimps, skip on the sand and the shore of  the barren sea; show us the lightning whirls and twirls of your nimble  limbs. Glorious offspring of Phrynichus, let fly your kicks, so that  the spectators may be overjoyed at seeing your legs so high in air.  Twist, twirl, tap your bellies, kick your legs to the sky. Here  comes your famous father, the ruler of the sea, delighted to see his  three lecherous kinglets. Go on with your dancing, if it pleases  you, but as for us, we shall not join you. Lead us promptly off the  stage, for never a comedy yet was seen where the Chorus finished off  with a dance.  THE END