The Mindy Project S1E16 - Transcript

(Mindy) People always ask me why I like romantic comedies so much. If I hadn't been fox books, and you hadn't been the shop around the corner, and you and I had just met - I know. - Yeah. (Mindy) It's because even under extraordinary circumstances, the right two people can end up together. Guys, today someone from my past is taking me out to lunch. - Who, your uncle? - Yes, Danny. I'm wearing this really cool outfit for my uncle from Denver. Anyway, over the weekend, I was adding some photos to Facebook To an album called "gone snacking," when a picture of a hot dog was liked by a guy named Sam, as in Sam Kleinfeld. - Ooh! - Ah! (Mindy) When I was 13, my one dream in life was to go to sleepaway camp. My parents said no 'cause they were worried I'd get molested, which is crazy, 'cause I was not that cute a kid. Finally, they agreed, but only if it was Jewish sleepaway camp. Camp Takanae. If I was going to be away from home for several weeks, my parents only trusted me in the gentle hands of the Jews of the berkshire mountains. Hi. Everyone wants to know why you're here. Are you even Jewish? For your information, camp Takanae has been open to non-Jewish campers since the landmark 1989 case chan versus Takanae. And that's when I met him. Sure, she's Jewish, Tony. She's just sephardic. No, I'm not. Wait. What is that? Don't worry about it. The joke landed. I'm Sam. Hi, I'm Mindy. Do you want to see a piece of the Berlin Wall? Check this out. Whoa. [Laughs] That's gonna be worth $1 million someday. (Mindy) I don't think I ever laughed more than when I was hanging out with Sam that summer. [Laughs] He sounds hilarious. What are you basing that on? Well, she said he's Jewish. Morgan, we're in the middle of Manhattan, for God's sake. But if you guys had such a deep connection, why didn't you stay in touch? Betsy, we were 13. We didn't know any better. You didn't even email? Email was not invented yet. What about Facebook? - Facebook wasn't really a thing yet. - How old are you? I'm fine. I'm young. Don't worry about me, okay? Yeah, these Facebook connections, they rarely pan out. I once thought I was going to meet a welsh supermodel. Next thing I know, I'm having a romantic dinner with a man with no torso. Ugh. I was catfished before catfish. Well, I hope he's great. Thanks, Morgan. And it breaks my heart, some of the slimeballs you've been with. I'd like you to be less invested. But yeah, if he is anything like the way he was when he was 13, sure. I can see us having a real relationship. You want to date a 13-year-old? I don't want to date a 13-year-old. It could work. You like the same music. (Sam) Hi, I'm looking for Mindy Lahiri. Hi. Hey, Sam. He doesn't look Jewish. [Upbeat music] it is, um, so good to see you. I wish I could see you, but I'm blind now. Oh, my God. I'm not actually blind. That's a weird joke to make. I don't know why I did that. I'm sorry. I was nervous to see you, so I thought I'd do a bit. Uh, okay. You look the same, honestly, which is very nice. Hey, any friend of Dr. Lahiri's is a boss of mine. Cool. Let me grab this coat for you. Oh, you're taking my coat off. Oh, I love your t-shirt. Did you get that at urban outfitters? Oh, no. I got it from the army. They ge you them for free when you join. I just got back from Afghanistan. I gotta tell you, I've been a big fan of seal team 6 way before you guys killed Bin Laden. Cool. I'm not in seal team 6. I got you. You're not in seal team 6. I'm really not. I hear you. Thank you. You're welcome. Sam, I'm Danny. Hey. Thank you so much for your service. Can someone get this guy a sandwich? And not a wrap, an actual sandwich on real bread. - Awesome. - That's what you're fighting for. I'll keep that in mind while I'm taking fire. I know you will. Yeah. So if you don't mind me asking, it must be pretty challenging for you to acclimate to civilian life. It was pretty weird. Yeah. I got to be totally honest. Yeah. There's even more singing competition shows now? That actually spooked me out for a second. - Your hair's pretty long. - For the military, yeah. This happens in, like, two weeks. Whoa. Very good metabolism. [Laughs] You're so different, Sam, than how I remember you. Seriously, you're not what I thought. I thought you'd be, like, a boring mom with three kids. You'd be showing me pictures of, like, your babies riding your dog or something like that. I didn't think that it'd be, you know, you're a pretty doctor. Thank you. You ever get your period? That was a big thing last time we talked. [Laughs] We decided to take your advice and use a *** donor. Fantastic. Who's the guy? He's handsome with the class of a young Robert Duvall. And the gravitas of an old Robert Duvall. (Danny) Amazing. Did you talk to this guy already? Actually, we're doing it right now. Wait, you want My guys? Here you go. (Woman) Thank you. So, what are you gonna do now? Like, go meet up with your girlfriend and make out with her? What? I was trying to find out during lunch if you had a girlfriend. Oh. That's the best you could come up with? [Laughs] That's lame. Your boyfriend must always make fun of you for saying You're right. It's actually really hard to do that organically. (Woman) Here you go. Thank you. Yeah. I don't have a boyfriend. I don't have a girlfriend. I have six kids though. [Laughs] Shut up. I don't know about this, guys. We don't want to pressure you, but you'd be giving us the greatest gift. We'd be so lucky if our son turned out like you. Okay. [Gasps] Okay. I'll do it. See, honey? That was easy. (Mindy) Of all the places in New York, you wanted to go to a drug store? Yeah, I do. This place, this is heaven. They don't have any of this stuff in Afghanistan. Hey, is this lady shampoo? Okay. You know what you actually miss the most while you're over there? This is gonna sound insane. "Bouncy hair that he will want to run this fingers through"? It's the way girls smell. It doesn't actually say "he'll" on it. Well, this is the shampoo that I use. Mmm. It's nice. Okay. This is nuts. Let's Ooh, self-checkout. No. We've lived to see the future. Please don't do this. Sam, self-checkout is the biggest scam. Are you joking? What's the scam about? You think you're saving all this time, but you really aren't. No, you are. There's a reason why no one was in this line, 'cause they all are smart. Okay, now (Self-checkout machine) Please scan the bar code of your first item. It talks. Where on my item is the bar code? I don't know this item Okay, right there. You found it. [Beep] (Self-checkout machine) First item scanned. Look at you. You're a natural. You got a second career. (Machine) Please place item into bag. I placed it in the bag. (Machine) Please place item into bag. I already did that. (Machine) You have not placed an item into bag. I'm sure there's, like, a button. (Machine) You are attempting to place an item in your bag that has not been paid for. We're not doing that. I didn't we're not (Machine) Shoplifting will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. That's that's not what's happening! Don't give us those judgmental looks. We're trying to self-checkout. Go back to waiting in line! Okay, I That's insane. What is this robot doing? Okay, bail. Bail. (Machine) Thank you, Mandy Lahiri. Please take your shampoo. - This is so much fun. - I know, it's great. You know what we should do next weekend? What? We should go to the mummy exhibit at the met. The wall is really low, so you're not supposed to touch them, but you can just, like, get right in there. - Look, nobody checks. - We'll get cursed if that happens. - You know that, right? - I hadn't thought of that. I'd actually like to do that, but I can't because I'm getting ready to deploy again for 18 months. So you're not, like, back back? - No, I'm gone, gone. - When? Not for a while. Tomorrow. What? I told him good luck, have a nice life, and came back to work. (Morgan) I'm sorry. You cleared your schedule to reconnect with this awesome guy who killed Osama Bin Laden, who you then abandon in the middle of New York City? Are you crazy? No, I didn't. I didn't abandon him. Hmm. Sam is kind of perfect. But I don't want to be in the position where I'm heartbroken over some guy who's not even gonna be here in the morning. This soldier doesn't fit into your "sex and the city find a husband" scheme, so he's worthless to you now? Danny, sometimes I feel like you have never even seen - sex and the city. - I've seen an episode. All four of them were walking down the street. Remind me to never lose touch with you and reconnect with you Ugh. Did Betsy just tell me off? [Tattoo gun buzzes] Sam. Hey, what are you doing here? You said that you might get a tattoo, so this is the fourth tattoo parlor that I have been to in the village. I have seen some things pierced that I did not know were pierceable. You know what, you don't need to hear that right now. The point is, Sam, I really like you. Finding a person you like is really hard. Wouldn't you say? So we should spend all the time you have left together. Okay. Yeah, I'd love to. Let's go. Thank you very much. Wait, I'm not done with your tattoo. Oh, uh, that's okay. You know, it's accurate. Next. (Mindy) So what else do you miss when you're over there? Normal, everyday stuff, like napping on the couch. I miss that a lot. Mm-hmm. I miss sex with a human. All right. You know [laughs] You know what I miss the most is seeing movies in movie theaters, honestly. I saw up on a crap smart phone. Yeah? It didn't it wasn't I still cried, but it wasn't the same. Yeah. If you miss movies, I kind of have a great idea. "Nora Ephron. Double feature. "Yeah. Yeah. 'Cause I love Nora Ephron, and tom Hanks is your thing. You love tom Hanks. I love tom Hanks? Everybody loves tom Hanks. Don't put that on me. He's ame's favorite actor. No, it's your thing. Come on, let's go in. Dinner or a movie [Crying] For as long as we both shall live? I couldn't help but see your fax on the machine, and I couldn't help but notice that that fax is from a donor clinic, so I couldn't help but deduce You can help all those things, okay? Yeah, well, you're gonna be a dad! Come here! [Laughs] (Danny) Okay. (Morgan) Oh, my God, I'm just saying, the name Morgan works for boys or girls. Better for girls. I'm just trying to help a couple in need. No big deal. Morgan, Danny's always going on about how he doesn't want kids, which I personally think is a shame. You know, the world needs more rough-hewn strivers like you. Scrummers and scrappers who claw and scratch their way through life. (Betsy) Dr. Castellano, can you imagine? One day, out of the blue, your child shows up at the door and says, "hi, I'm your kid. I want to have a relationship with you. " More, like, "hey, dad, remember me? ***. " [All groan] Oh, my God, Beverly, damn it. I don't get why tom Hanks and Meg Ryan even do movies without the other in them. I know. It's true. He shouldn't be doing the Da Vinci code. Like, he shouldn't do franchises altogether. He is the franchise. Well, I mean, except for toy story. Yes. They should definitely keep making those movies. Those were amazing. Mm-hmm. - Hooah. - Hooah. Where'd you serve? Three tours in Vietnam. Evacuation of Saigon. Whoa, that's crazy. Where did you serve? (Sam) Oh, just one tour in Iraq, one in Afghanistan. I'm actually heading back out there tomorrow. Wow. Nice to meet you. You too. Thank you. - Keep your head down. - Yeah, I will. What? [Mgk's lace up] smash that, smash that take this off, take this off. So glad we ran into that guy. I'm an est boy till the casket close Well, I got to do everything on my list. I didn't get to go play mini golf, but you know. - Did you think the sex was good? - I did. Really? I really did. I meant to ask you, who is this little pervert that was watching us the whole time? He's not a pervert. That's brown bear. He must have seen a lot of dudes roll through this piece. Well A married guy. What? Surprising amount of black guys. Brown bear! A whole team? Hey! Hey! That's enough. So he likes to say, you know, like, "hey, Mindy, what are your hopes and dreams?" And what do you say? Like, well, get married to a nice guy who's in the army. [Laughs] Jeez, I think brown bear says, "whoa, that is not what a guy wants to hear right after you have sex with him, Mindy. " [Laughter] No, come on. I'm sorry. Oh, man. This sucks, Sam. Why does it suck? Because you're really fun, and then you have to leave tomorrow. I know. I wish I was less fun. And I wish I didn't have to leave tomorrow. We didn't even get to do any, like, fun, date-y things. Like what? Like, go to the supermarket, and have a big fight in front of people. That sounds fun. Pretending like I don't know how to use chopsticks, so you can teach me. Help me fix my air conditioner while I hand you tools. I could do that. Really? This might actually be the worst DVD collection I've ever seen in my entire life. Sorry that it's not all, like, caddyshack or whatever. Caddyshack's an amazing film. I would rather take my mcat again than watch caddyshack. I actually don't know if I can go back there and fight my heart out knowing an American thinks that. I feel that you have not seen caddyshack recently. The problem with caddyshack is that people forget that caddyshack is about the caddies. [Distant thud] Sam? Oh, my God! Sam! Sam! (Danny) Hey, what's up? Hey. What are you doing here? Sam was helping out around my apartment and he was defenestrated. You threw a soldier out a window? Wow, one day with you, and you messed him up worse than Al-Qaeda. Ha ha ha, Danny. I would not joke about Al-Qaeda. And it could have happened to anybody. He's fine. He's just a little, like, banged up. But I do think it might mean that he has to delay his deployment. You sound thrilled. I am. I would love to be able to nurse him back to health for a couple of weeks. You know, and the last couple days, maybe we're, like, in Vermont at a bed and break I'm glad you're here 'cause I wanted to ask you about something. Is it fashion-related? Because, Danny, I made the sickest lookbook for you. Would you wear a pocket square? No. I wanted to talk to you about a couple who asked me to be a *** donor. And said I do it. Wait, what? Yeah, I mean I'm probably never gonna have kids so why not do it now, right? I'm sorry. If that is the reason you're doing this, you definitely cannot do it. What do you mean? One weird woman breaks your heart, and then all of a sudden, you're like, "no, I don't know if I can ever be a dad. "I can never be a father figure to no one with this broken heart of mine. " Like, that's a bunch of crap. You already call a wallet a billfold. You're gonna be a dad, okay? Just deal with it. I already said I'd do it. Oh. Well, if you already said that you would do this life-altering decision of being the biological father of some random kid you don't know, then, yeah, I guess you have to do it. Really? No. Of course not. You're such a dummy. You know what? I think I have a little time. Let's go try to get out of this. (Mindy) Here's the deal. I know Danny really, really well. Whoa, Mindy. What's going on here? It's time to come clean. First of all, he is crazily sweaty. Like, sweat faucets coming out of his hands. That's true, I do have some clammy hands. He is stubborn, stingy, and he's scared of game of thrones. Yeah, there's parts of games of thrones that are, like, kind of interesting and, like, violent, but it's not a scary show. No, no, that's not It's not a scary show. Nope. Also, he has tiny ears, and he's a selfish lover. Wait what? So let me ask you. I never even Do you really want Daniel Castellano to be the biological father of your angry, sweaty, emotionally needy baby? - No. - No. Okay, well, it was nice meeting you guys. Good luck with everything. Sam, I think I'm doing it this time. That's a push-up to you? Yes. That's just an "up. " I hate this. Why can't I just do girl push-ups? Tuck your butt in. Your butt's too high. Oh, God. You got to put your butt down. I have a big butt. Okay? Just deal with it. [Knock on door] Hello, Mr. Kleinfeld. Yes. Got your x-rays back. Oh, thank God. What is the news? Well, you got lucky for such a fall. See? That's just a sprain. No breaks. Great. Let's not celebrate too early, you guys. Sam, in the medical community, a sprain can actually be worse than a fracture. But not in this case. In this case, it is a really, really minor sprain. Um [Clears throat] Doug, can I just talk to you for a second please? - Sure, Mindy. - Cool. How's it going? I'm good. I'm good. March madness is coming up. Mindy, I Do you think it would be possible to maybe just write the word "fracture" in Sam's folder? (Doug) I would be breaking the hippocratic oath. Doug, we've all done stuff like this. For instance, I have taken home a z-pak on occasion. You take home z-paks? I don't do that, but it would be easy to do. - Dr. I, hey. - Yeah. I did some of that intel you asked me for about how to get a soldier kicked out of the army. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Morgan, shh. Oh, right. Tell everyone he's gay. That is not a thing anymore. What if he's only 16? Then I am going to jail. Nice. Okay, look. All right. Can he be recovering from polio, Scarlet fever, or consumption? Morgan, how old is this list okay, fine. Look. There's one last thing we could try. We can take some oxycontin, and we can slip it in his bag. - What? - Listen. He needs them because he was hit by a tank. This seems a little bit farfetched. What are you guys talking about right now? Hey. Hey. - Cutie. - Hey, cutie. I'm so sorry. I just wanted to buy a couple extra days with you. You yourself said you didn't want to go back. Yeah, I know. That's because I was having a lot of fun, - and I thought you were cool. - "Thought"? Look, Mindy. I have to go back. You don't have to. Okay, I want to go back. That's what I'm trying to say. I want to go back there. If you're trying to make me cry, mission accomplished. How could that be possible? It is literally Afghanistan. That's kind of the whole point of joining the military is to get involved in conflicts that matter. Well, I don't want you to get killed in Afghanistan. Okay? I don't either. I just met you. And you're cute and fun. Well, thank you very much. And I wanted you to stay here for, like, a month, and we can date. And we can go to the central Park zoo, and, like, make fun of animals and a giraffe comes and steals our ice cream. [Beeper vibrates] Oh, God. I have a procedure. Are you sure you can't just wait a couple days and then do it? [Mockingly] Ha ha ha. Way to turn my words against me. Well, way to have words that are very easily turnable. I should go to my procedure. We can talk about this later. Okay, I'll be yeah. (Morgan) Sam, wait. Can I drive you to the bus station? And if the answer is yes, do you have a car? You are all out of whack. If you can, try to keep any bazookas on your left shoulder. Morgan, leave him alone. It actually feels really, really good. Thank you. So, Mindy, she's like a really great doctor, isn't she? Yeah. She is really great. That means a lot coming from him because he's very competitive and doesn't give a lot of compliments. No, I'm not. Can you do me a favor and give this to her for me? I got to head out. Well, she'll be back in a bit. You can give it to her yourself. It's better if I go. It was really nice meeting you guys. Yeah. Great to meet you. Yep. Yeah, if I want to email you, I would just Just email the government, and they'll find me. Email the government? So, like, sam@government? Hey. Sam left that for you. Good guy. (Sam) "Hey. "First of all, I never thanked you properly "for the sex. "It will get me through many a Sandy, cold night. "Look, I'm sorry we didn't get to say good-bye for real, "but actually, it's probably better "because I feel like you might have started crying, "and that would have made me cry, "and no one wants to see a guy in the army cry, "because it's just bad for our nation, honestly. "After I searched my bag fonarcotics, "I watched your surgery. It was so cool. "I could tell you were doing exactly what you always wanted. "It's the exact look I get when I bring "clean drinking water to a village. "Because people, shockingly, love clean drinking water. "So I hope you can understand, you know, "why I have to go back. "I know we only spent a day together, "but as Meg Ryan said in you've got mail, "'all this nothing has meant more to me "than so many somethings. ' "in closing, I would just like to ask you "never to reveal to anyone "that I, a: Watched you've got mail "or B: Remember it to the point "that I could quote it in a letter. "I would really appreciate that. "And hey, maybe I'll see you next summer. Your friend, Sam. " You're gonna cry? You want me to leave? No, but it's weird that your first instinct when a woman is crying is to abandon her. You know, one way of looking at this whole thing Danny, it's fine. We had a great day together. It is what it is. All right. You want a snack? Yeah. Why don't you read me what's in the vending machine? Okay. We've got sun chips, fritos Apple, which you don't care about, smartfood, Doritos, Kit Kat. Hmm. Put a pin in it. Okay, row two. Twizzlers you like those. I do. Peanut m&ms. Swedish fish. Good. But not for all night. - Ho hos. - No. Pringles. [Murmurs] Cheddar popcorn. No. Cheez-its. Blow my brains out. What about raisinets? (Man) Go to bed.