Aliens in America S1E12 - English Transcript

I am so nervous and excited! It's like my birthday and last day of Ramadan, all rolled into one! This is just a Career Aptitude Test, it's not a big deal. Oh, no, it is not a big deal, it only tells you your entire future. Right around Junior year, everyone starts talking a full lot about future. You guys need to cut down your carbon footprint, otherwise in the future, you'll be living underwater! If you screw up your SAT's, you may as well kiss your future goodbye. Use a *** or your *** will fall out. If not right away, then definitely in the future. You know, in Pakistan they do a test like this too, but they basically just tell everyone they are going to be an engineer or a doctor. But in America, all the possibilities are unlimited, you can be anything, anything that on! This test says you should be a doctor. Ooh that is great! A noble profession. Justin, Justin, Justin Frankly, Justin, the reason I keep reading your name over and over is because I have nothing else to say. Your test result are completely inconclusive. What do you mean? You have no clear career aptitude or preferences. You're Right down the middle on every single point of interest. Wait, so didn't recommand any potentional Careers? None. Not a one. It was like a ghost took the test. A ghost with no opinion or aptitude. Well We're all done, unless you have any questions. Improved by: benji1000, Baptiste, Sebaset == Subbers In Black == I decided not to tell my parents about the test. It wasn't a big deal, but I know 'would worry them. And then, Justin told me that Mr. Matthews has said to him Unfortunately, keeping things from your parents is one of American concepts Raja just can't seem to understand. completely down the middle! "Like a ghost took the test". Wait, what are you talking about ghost Nothing? No results? Oh, there he is. He will tell you. Hey guys. The, err career test Didn't really say anything, but I will figure it out eventually right? Don't worry, honey. Any ideas though? Any thoughts about what you wanna be? No, not really, I have no idea. Oh, well most important thing is you don't get too down yourself. No I'm not. You don't have to pretend, Justin, we all know the situation is obviously quite bleak. Now that my part is clear, I can not imagine not knowing Do you ever stop talking? You are almost senior, Justin, you need to figure this out before all the good job get taken. This isn't something you can ignore like sports or girls. Oh, we don't want to pressure you. No, we just wanna talk. For example, in you mind's eye, what do you picture of doing in 20 years? Come on, Franny, get to the point. Gun to your head. What d'you wanna be? Err I don't know. Gun to your head! Gun to your head! Gary, can we hold strike please? Leave Justin alone, mom. You know, things have a new low between my mom and my sister when Claire starts to sticking up for me. Excuse me, young lady? Leave him alone about the stupid test, Fran'. It's "mom", and I'm trying to have an open dialogue with my son. For some mysterious reason, Claire redirected the contemp from me to our mom. It's not gonna be spoken to that way. Like mothers and teenage daughters through out history, my mom and Claire's relationship has recently become very combative. It started without warning, and with tremendous force, not like a hurricane. What was that? What? Starring at me. No, I wasn't You are so judgmental! Hurricane Claire. From there, Hurricane Claire only grew on pressure and force. And drama queen's myth. I hope I'll die in my sleep. And everytime they fight, it ends the same way: I'm going to Alicia's. And as usual she goes tramping and over to her friend Alicia's house. Maureen was my mother's friend from growing up and the first woman I ever had a dirty dream about. Well, now look who's all big My Goodness, I remember when I used to bench you on my lap I remember too. Anyhow And there is no supervision over there. And she knows I hate her going over there. Well that's not stopping her all right. I'm telling you, Maureen, these arguments are really worrying on me. Of course they are. And there's Gary just standing there doing nothing, right? Since getting divorced, Maureen seem lost fond of men in general, and my dad specifically. Hi, honey, I'm home. Territorial much. Why don't you just pee a little circle around her too, Gary? Pig. Later that day, Raja and I went over to Doey's house to hide from my dad. Why don't you just pick a job so your dad will lay off? I can't, and I don't know what I wanna be, and I don't think I should have to choose, I am only 16! Hey guys, look who woke up and want to help me with dinner. Oh, great, him About six months ago, Doey's parents had a surprise with Dylan: a new Baby Brother. Oh, he's so cute, look at the little finger! Call the newspapers, he's got fingers Doey, he is very cute. You don't know him, man. - He is a manipulate little ***. - Don't talk about your brother like that. Now, do one of you boys wanna hold Dylan for a tick while I strain the pasta. I hear there is a spot in baby's head that if you touch it he will die. I'm trying to be a doctor. So are you on holidy from what, M. Doey? Oh, no, this is my job! I'm a stay at home dad. When I was little, he works 70 hours a week. Dylan gets everything. - So what's your schedule like? - Let's see I get the kids ready in the morning, I spend the day with the munchkin, you, and I try to get some time for myself when he falls down for nap. So how about a mechanic? Noble necessery helping people enjoy the Open Road. I know Mark at Krezner Auto Buddy. I'm sure he'd like to share for a day; I'll call him right now Dad, stop right now. Don't call him, okay ? I figured it out. I know what I wanna be. Justin, that's great! So, what is it? A stay at home dad. What? I wanna be like Doey's dad. I'll do my own thing, write my own song, plus I'm great with kids. Remember? I'm the one who taught Claire how to read. But men can't do that. But Doey's dad does it. I will be good at it. Plus, it souds like there's a little me-time involved. I'd appreciate a little me-time. But men can't do that. Well, that's what I wanna do. I wanna be a stay at home dad. That night, dinner was tensed. But raja didn't notice: he was too busy practicing surgery on his chicken. Claire, dinner! I heard you the first 10 times. I really only said it twice. It's called hyperbole, mother. Franny, please, try and talk some sense into your son. Being a househusband is not that weird, you're just old-fashioned. It is a little weird. It is women's work. At least, in Pakistan So, Justin Househusband, huh? Is that where we're at? Yes. Absolutely. Ok, honey, you should now that if you gonna be a househusband, you need to marry a girl who makes a lot of money. Imagine that, mom. A woman who works. Excuse me? That's a great point, Franny. I mean, it's tough enough for you to get a girl, while actually have handicaps. That's not exactly what I was trying to say. Justin. I am going to be a doctor. It is a difficult and arduous journey to get that. But it will be worth it. What journey are you going to be on? What work will you have? I will be taking care of my children, and making sure that my household is happy and comfortable, like mom. So basically, you wanna sit around, do nothing and watch your *** get fat? Claire! Yeah, kind of. Justin! But this is not even really a job! - It is nothing! - Raja! Sorry, in Pakistan, not here. Basically, you say you wanna be a maid except not getting pay for it. Claire. That's it! I have had enough of your little comments. One more about you, and you're gonna be grounded for more days than you can count. Sorry. ***. That is it. Too much drama, I'm going to Alicia's. Oh no, you are not. You don't get to escape this time, I'm going. - What? - I'm going to Maureen's. Hang on, we can figure this out Sometimes, they just need their space What are you doing? Making waffles. Stitching a banana. - Why? - Because kids love waffles, that's why I just learn how to make them now. Sutures are the basic doctoring skill, may as well as him now. I'll get it. Franny, please be you. It's me. Good morning, Gar'. How's everything? I'm gonna make yours in the shape of camels. A little auto Pakistan. Camels are actually from the middle-east, But it is ok. You are wrong about that. When are you coming home? As soon as Claire is ready to apologize. Claire, your mom is on the phone, - I want you to apologize, okay? - Tell her to go to hell. You know, you deserve a break. Take all the time you need. Really? Yeah. Yeah, I think I 'll spend a little more time with Justin in a way. - Have fun! - Thanks. Byebye. - Gary says take all the time I need. - It's typical. Typically nice? Get ready. We are going hunt. What a beautiful cross bow. I have should seen it coming. Cross bow hunting was my dad's solution every time I did something he considered unmanly, which happened once or twice. All right, there you go. Buddy, I thought this gonna help out those weak ankles, huh Look, daddy, I'm pregnant, I'm gonna have a baby in my ***. A day in the woods is just what we men need. Nothing like little fresh air and some dead animals to really clear your mind. Islam does not allow one to hunt for sport. But I'll come along for the become modality. Especially if I can hold this work of art Not yet, Raja! As I suspected, the hunting trip was just a way for my dad to get me into a remote area so he can makes stupid career suggestions. Something tells us this boy is sleeping - Jockey? - No. - Physical therapist? - No. - How about shift me? - No, I told you gun to my head: I'm a stay at home dad. - No, you are not. - Yes I am! Justin, come back here. - Raja, hold the cross bow. - Really? Justin, son. Such a So smooth Raja knew he was not allowed to hunt, and he knew he should not attempt himself, but It's that feeling, Justin. After a hard day's work, and I'm talking about men work I'm ashamed to admitt that at that moment, I wished something really really bad would happened to my father. And then Oh, no! I was aming for the tree You shoot my father! Raja, put down the weapon. I'm gonna grab it and I'm gonna get it out, OK? Blood is gonna be everywhere! Ah, get it out of me! So this is the Hot Club then? Yeah You know, this is how the kids roll down, Franny. Worn down building, no signs, it's total dumping inside; you're gonna love it. I'm here like every weekend. Do you always wait this long? Yeah, sometimes longer. Look, check it out. Check those girls out. I got boots older than that. How old are they, 17, 18? Hey, sorry sweety, you got to wait in the line like everyone else. You just let my 15 years-old daughter in that club, so get out my way or I'm calling the Medora Police Department, "sweety". No, don't-don't let her have fun, plus I promised I would't use the cross bow anymore, she said.. I would shoot myself! Boy, what she is wrong! I just want to apologize again. Yeah , I'm sure when the pain medicine wears off, I will be mad, but for now, we are fine. Of course. Keep the pills coming All I really need is a nap Okeydoke. And some soup with bread. And root beer float. And warmer socks. And could someone comb my hair? And just like that, I had a baby. Do you even know how old you are? Do you konw how many rules, how many laws you have broken? Oh, really just one: under-age drinking. Are we going to the V.I.P room? Hey, you are Claire's mom in a sexy shirt How drunk is she? She's been crowning shots all night - I think she's pretty drunk. - I'm not drunk. Look She's frankly drunk. All right, we're gonna get her into this car, and get her home. But do not think you are off the hook, young lady. Ok, Alicia, are you comfortable? You had to wait until you are in the car to do that Hey, what are you doing? Why are you hidding in your room? You should be there helping me with my dad. - You are the one who shot him. - Fine. You see eye through me. I just can not face your father! I feel terrible. I shot him, Justin. I shot him with that arrow! You think they might kick someone out of the study program for this? I don't know. Also I got very woozy when I saw the injury. How am I going to be a doctor if I feel sick everytime I see an arrow in someone's ***? To be fair, that might not happen very often. Still the sight of blood makes me dizzy, that is no way I can be a doctor! OK, fine we'll get this way: at least, now, you know what you can't do. I mean, that's helpful. It's like the opposite of the aptitude test. So here is what you can't do: doctor, nurse, EMT blood anaylist, Professional archer I was aiming for the other side of the field! Yeah: every time you suck at something, you just add it to the list then you have a narrow down know-time. Thank you Justin. And I'm sorry for not being the complete support of your career choice, and I must apologize to your mother for those women's work comments. Justin, I need you Wait, wait, I may not cut out to be a doctor, but at least, I can help you. - OK, go. - And hurry, blood's steeping through my bandage, I need a new one. Oh, yours, sorry. I'm sorry I broke your phone, Claire. Sweety, you broke your phone. I broke my phone? I broke my phone Alicia, we are whispering now! Ok. I broke my phone I know. Claire, go see if you can get Alicia's mom. She must be worried sick. I don't think she's here. All righty Come on, sweety, we're gonna get you clean up to go to bed. OK there you go. I think it was then Claire starts to realize that sometimes, a little bit of mothering isn't such a bad thing. My dad was realizing the same thing. You are the best mom in the whole world, Mrs Tolchuck. To Claire's surprise, she was starting to agree. OK, if your father wants to know where we were, you tell him I took you to buy tampons, he won't ask anything after that. So you are not telling him about the Club? Ah, no. - Thanks mom. - But you are not off the hook yet, young lady. Hand it over. Hand what over? Gimme the fake ID. How old are you? Stold! Wow it smells great here. Not vomiting at all. How did you do that? I rob oranges on their house strain, masks the smell. 'Course now it smells like somebody threw up after eating oranges. I'm really sorry for all the stuff I said. I know, honey. It's OK. I remember what it's like to be 15. I'm sorry for generously being kind of dramatic. It's so weird, it's like I'm annoyed all the time. Like I'm on an Island of idiots and I'm the only one with a brain. Oh, sweety You're becoming a woman I can use a drink. Me too. Did you made this? I opened the can. It's delicious. You know, thanks so much for taking such a good care of me. You're really good at all these. And well, if you wanna be a househusband, it's OK by me. If taking care of a baby is as half annoying as taking care of you, I don't think I have any of me. This was much harder than I thought. I'm not picnic, you did a *** up a job, son. I did huh? I'm a critical stay at home son. Anyway, dad, I'm gonna figure out all these future stuff, I promise, I just stop badgering me, OK? OK. Mr Tolchuck I'm so sorry to have hidden from you all evening. I have brought you this glass of water with lemon in it Like you like. Thanks, shooter. Oh, masters, blood on my bandage. It is what on Something's different. Hi honey. I'm so glad you're home. Me too. So is Raja like dead?