Happy Endings S2E2 - English Transcript

1 Hey, guys, listen up. I think I finally figured out what the store needs. Customers? Oh! I'm adding a baby clothing line. I think it's gonna be a hit, guys. Look how cute this is. - Aw. - Mm. Actually what your store really needs is a better men's section. Oh, she doesn't have a men's section, honey. Yeah, she does. That shirtdress you bought wasn't for Jane? - That shirt was a dress? - Duh! - Damn it! - Hey, Brad. I forgot my wallet. You mind spotting me for my burger? - No problemo. - Dave, I forgot my wallet. You mind spotting me for half of next month's rent? Problemo. Again? Max, what's the deal? I'm sorry. I tried to get cash, but the bank wouldn't let me make a deposit. - You mean withdrawal? - No, I mean a deposit. What kind of bank won't let you make a deposit? Give it a minute. ♪ - Oh, yuck, Max. - Ohh. It is gross that banks make up these rules about what you can do with your money. It's ridiculous. She'll get there. Dude, I can't believe you'd do that to make money. Well, when you love what you do, it's not about the money, though I could use that 100 bucks. So what happened? Me and the bank got off on the wrong foot. I think there was a miscommunication about my donor profile video. Max Blum. I don't know why you would want this on video, but whatever floats your boat. - Chilling. - No bueno. - Bad move. - I still don't get it. I made 15 G's selling one egg, one time, freshman year of college. I gotta get my hands on an egg. Wait. You really did that? Yes. It was a wonderful gift to give a family. She wanted to go to Cabo. Oh! It's a *** bank. - She's on the page. - There she goes. - There's our little cutie. - Finally. Why would you deposit money in a *** bank? Oh, now we've-- We've gone back. - We lost her. - Oh. Mm. And now for my favorite dessert Sex. Let's get you out of those pants And into that dress. Okay. How did you not know that that was a dress? I had my suspicions, but the price was right, and daddy likes a deep tuck. God, you make it work. - I'll make you work. - Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. You know, babe, I gotta say, at first I was kinda freaked out that you donated that egg, but then I really thought about it, and that was just an amazing thing to do. Not a big deal. But it is. I mean, you gave those people a child. Yeah, maybe. Most of the time those things don't even take. Oh, come on. An overachieving egg like yours? There's no way there's not a little Jane out there somewhere. I can see her now, just asking the teacher for more homework Yeah. Lobbying the school board to convert to the metric system. Well, it just makes more sense. I mean, if I knew I had a mini me out there somewhere, I would be obsessed. Yeah. But not you. You just move forward and never look back. Now let's say we get out of these dresses and move forward together. I mean, you can look back a couple of times in between spankings. How can you think about sex when I have an egg baby out there? So I got all pretty for nothing? - Hey. Hey. - Wh-- Hey. Hey! What are-- What are you doing back from the taste of Kenosha contest? I thought it's all weekend. Sewage leak. By 8:00 A. M. it was more like the smell of Kenosha. Uh ha ha. Whatever, dude. The joke killed at the festival. Uh, uh, um hey. What are you doing now? Let's go get a beer. It's 10:00 A. M. So we could go to the airport and just get some tom Clancy novels and get hammered. Max, I've been up all night. All I want to do is go to bed. Yeah, it's tiring. What are you doing? I'm-- I, uh-- some-- I didn't stretch after I lifted, so What are you doing? My lats are tight. Ohh! Don't go in there! - What the hell? - Who are you? - Who are you? Who are they? - Who are you? I-- What are you doing here? You rented us this room after months of online correspondence. Yeah. Max, I leave for 24 hours, and you turn my room into a German sex hostel? Well, I just ordered a pizza, so technically this is a bed-and-breakfast. Hey! Wow! This place hasn't been this busy since before you owned it, and it was that awesome cell phone store. I know, and only two people have asked me to upgrade their data plan, and check out the baby t-shirts. They're flying off the racks. Love it! - And directly onto their racks. - So cute. "Daddy's girl. " - Oh, God. - I know. My Samantha's getting really good. No, no, no. They're buying them for themselves. - I gotta stop them. - No, no, no, no, no. - You can't talk to them. - Why wouldn't I? High school girls are scary, okay? And look at them. They're mean girls. Wait. Should we get a shirt for Tracy? Well, we could, but did you see how fat she got over the weekend? Ugh. I know, and it's super sad, because her dad's so poor. They're just like the girls that used to hang out in the hall on the way to drama department. I was so scared of getting on their bad side, I pretended to be a Mexican exchange student for a year. Oh! That's why you put that red, white, and green spoiler on your mom's tercel. Okay, Penny, that was a long time ago. We're adults now. We do not have to be afraid of a couple of high school girls. You know what? You're right. Thank you. Excuse me. What?! Dios mio. Uh this is, uh, my store. Really? You, like, actually own it? Yeah. Oh, my God! We were just talking about how awesome this place is. You look, like, way too young to own your own store. I do? Yeah. Totally. It's really cool. And your friend's so cool. I love everything you're wearing. You do? Will you guys help us pick some stuff out? I seriously just want to buy everything. I want to look just like you. I could spend the whole day here. Yes! - Oh, my God. - I love us! - Okay, come here, come here, come here. - Where did you get this? Max, I can't believe you rent out my room when I'm gone. No, no, wait. That's totally believable. Give me a break, man. You know I lost all my money when the bubble burst. Oh, here we go again. The Beanie Baby bubble was real. I was worth $1. 3 million on paper by the time I was in seventh grade. My parents begged me to sell, but I fell in love with every last one of those beanie babies. Yeah. Maybe it's time to get a real job, Max. You know I can't work for the man, although there is one man I could work for. Max, how many times do I have to tell you, Scottie Pippen is not in a financial position to hire a Sassy Butler. That is just my dream/reality pitch. There is another man I could work for, a man with a penchant for v-necks and motorcycle jackets. - Me? - Yes! You! We could work together on the truck. You say how busy you are, that you need help. I know, but I don't think it-- We would be the dream team, just you and me, hanging out all day making sandwiches. It'll be like "Cocktail. " Come on. "Cocktail"! for goodness sake ♪ I got the hippy hippy shakes ♪ yeah ♪ I got the shakes ♪ I got the hippy hippy shakes ♪ Whoo ♪ I can't sit still ♪ with the hippy hippy shakes ♪ yeah, I get my fill now ♪ with the hippy hippy shake ♪ yeah, it's in the bag ♪ Whoo ♪ the hippy hippy shake ♪ Great day, man. Great day. All right. I'll see you tomorrow. Max, it's only been 20 minutes, and you really gotta clean that up. Clean it up? Okay! Okay. You-- you get the mop. I-I'll go get the b-- Oh, you're serious? Yes. Are you sure this is it? Seems like a weird neighborhood for a silk boxers factory outlet. Brad, we're not boxer shopping, okay? - We're looking for Dora. - Who? I found the couple online who I donated my egg to, and the egg is 11, its name is Dora, and the family lives right around here. - Put these on. - No. - Yes. Put them on. - No. Just put them on. No! Oh. Mm. This is still a really bad idea. The only place this leads is Melissa Joan hart playing you in a lifetime movie. Well, you're the one who put the idea in my head, and really? Really? Melissa Joan hart? It couldn't be Reese Witherspoon, Natalie Portman? No, they're not doing tv movies. Maybe premium cable. They saw how Kate Winslet cleaned up with "Mildred Pierce. " There she is. That's them! That's them! I recognize the mom from the interview. That's Dora. - What? - Ohh. My God. You were right. There is a little mini me out there. Ohh. Look at her. Oh, Brad. I'm so glad we did this. Mm. It's just so nice to know that there's-- my little egg baby's out there, and she's grown into a beautiful, happy Sneaky little ***. Uh, peel out. She saw us! Okay! Okay! Peel! Aah! Oh, of course the white lady's air bag deploys. See, now you pair these earrings with that belt, you take this whole outfit from day to night. Oh, my God. You're, like, a genius, Lexi. I'll take 'em both. Yay! - Great. - Who wants lattes? Me! I love lattes. "Chloe Garrity"? You're not related to Billy Garrity, are you? Yeah, he's my brother. Your brother was only, like, the hottest guy in our high school. I was so in love with him, but I never had a chance, 'cause he only dated college girls. Oh, my God. I'll totally text him about you, - 'cause you're amahzing. - Um, you're amahzing. I love that you guys are saying that. Make it catch on at school. Ew, what's that? Ew. That gross van's blocking your store. - Who's the loser getting out of it? - Oh, my God. - Ew. - Ew. Ew. (Whispers) What is Jane doing in your dad's van? I don't know. Ew. What are you doing here? You're embarrassing me in front of Chloe! Who's Chloe? She's standing there between Madison and Madison. Alex, you have to stop selling those baby shirts. Do you know who's buying them? Duh. Everybody. I've sold, like, a bajillion. Alex, it's wrong. No one over the age of 10 months old should be wearing those shirts. Billy Garrity wants me to text him my picture. Which one should I wear-- "put me to bed" or "I pooped"? I just answered my own question. Okay. Penny, no. Do your mothers know that you dress like this? There's a lot they don't know. Well, I'm here now, and I know, so you need to cover right up And give me the coffees. - I'm not done. - Teenage girls should not be drinking caffeine. They should be having well-balanced meals. You know what? I have some granola bars right here. Ew. We don't want that. Save it. You're gonna get hungry later. Oh. No. Pen-- no. You cannot wear that. Don't tell me what to wear. Okay, you girls are out of control. No, we're not. We're just hanging out. My store is the peach pit. Deal with it. Yeah. Quit being such a total mom, Jane. I am not being a total m-- You have a little something right-- I am being a mom. I need to get out of here, okay? "Bajillion's" not a word. I'm s-- I'm going! Who was that? - I don't know. - Just some crazy van lady. Ew. What can I get you? Hey, man. Can I get the, uh, vegan sandwich? - No. - What do you mean, no? I mean, we don't serve vegan sandwiches here. We're a steak truck. Then why does it say on your sign, "vegan sandwiches"? To attract people like you, get you in the door and then give you the steak. Well, I don't want a steak. I want a vegan sandwich. Trust me. You want a steak. Have you not heard the phrase "the customer is always right"? I've been-- Have you not heard the phrase - "no shirt, no shoes, no service"? - Yeah, I've heard that phrase. Yeah, well, you're wearing flip-flops, bro. - Those don't count as shoes. - These are shoes. Any time I can see your toes, that's not a shoe. That's a sandal, and we don't serve people who want vegan sandwiches and wear sandals. Why don't you go take a yoga class, okay? Why don't you cover up your chest hair, v-neck? I don't even want your sandwich anymore. - Pull your v-neck up. - This chest hair is majestic. - Yeah. - People get lost in here. That chest hair is feral. "Feral" is still an adjective that I prefer. Keep your sandwich. I will. Good luck finding that ring, Frodo baggins! - Max! - Huh? - What are you doing? - I'm helping you out. We're going for a very exclusive, niche clientele. This is a food truck. We're going for the broadest clientele possible. Not at Dr. Steak's, we're not. - Wait. Wait a minute. What-- What is Dr. Steak's? - The new name for our truck. We're gonna be called Dr. Steak's. We're gonna take down all our info on prescription pads. - We're gonna wear scrubs. - Dude, that Is actually kind of a good idea. We could use the scalpel to cut the buns, and the-- the condiment section could be the Mayo clinic. Okay. Calm down. Enough. I'm the idea man. You are the cook. Whatever. I don't need a new name! Yeah, you do, 'cause you got massacred today on yelp. Five bad reviews, all about the service. You are the service! Yeah, well, I run my truck like I run my truck. Max, this is not your truck. You don't just get to walk in here and be the boss. You know, I'll tell you who else didn't get to just walk in there and be the boss Tony Danza. Yeah, and that's why his talk show was a creative failure. Okay, uh, how about this? Why don't you go find a job that'll let you be the boss on the first day? And let me know how that goes, because you're fired. Fine! I'll see you in hell! - I'll see you in hell! - Fine! But I'll see you home at first for the bears game! - Fine! I'll get the hummus! - Fine! Get baby carrots, too, 'cause I like to dip! Fine! It's just that it's tight in here, you know, and this-- I'll go this way. Okay, great. And then I completely mommed out with Alex and Penny. I mean, I don't know. I think it's all tied to seeing Julia this morning. Yeah. Who's Julia? My egg daughter. Not crazy about the name Dora. I just-- I don't want her to turn into some *** party girl. First of all, you don't know that's gonna happen, all right? And second of all, she's not your daughter. Well She is, and she isn't. - She isn't. - A little bit. - Not really. - Kind of. - No. - Yep. - Not at all. - Okay, agree to disagree. I just-- I don't know. It's like my maternal instincts kicked into high gear. I mean, is-- is that even a thing? Can that happen? Well, you are cutting the crust off my sandwich. Just eat at least half before you have your cookie. I already ate my cookie. Okay, well, no swimming until See? I can't just sit here. Julia is headed down a bad path. Her parents have no idea. I mean, I have to do something. Jane, you signed a contract saying you will never contact the parents. And I will not contact the parents. Hey. Hey. Can I talk to you for a second? Who are you? I'm kinda your mom'S friend. Just don't worry about it. Just, um Just, uh Get in the van. Yes, Dora's completely safe, and the perpetrator is with me right now. Not perpetrator. Friendly stranger with advice from the future. You're from the future? Do I ever stop peeing my pants? Mm. Oh, my God. I love, love, love, love your store. I mean, this is, like, the best party ever. Thanks. Oh, my God. I am so drunk. (Chuckles) Cool. Wait. What? ♪ Hey. What's up? You want a beer? No. Where did you get this? We just tapped a keg in the dressing room. My name's Tanner. I wrestle. No big deal. All right. That's enough. Ohh. Stop that. Ocupado. Oh, hey, Lexi. Guess what? Chloe texted Billy, and he thinks he remembers me. He thinks he remembers me! Pen, kids are drinking in here. We've gotta get 'em out. We're leaving anyway. This place is dead. You coming, Lexi? No, 'cause this is my store, okay? Everybody out! Party's over! Ugh. Alex is so uncool. Totally. Come on, pen. Let's go to the mall. Uh, I don't think I can. Okay, well, I guess I'll just tell Billy you didn't want to come. Billy's gonna be there? Yeah, and he just texted me and said he wants to hang out with you, but it's kind of a now-or-never thing, 'cause he's going to Paris tomorrow on business. I love Paris business. But I can't. It-- No. It would be wrong. He's so hot. Ohh! Why am I so weak? I love the mall! Let's name our crew! Guys, wait for me! Oh, hey, dude. Look, uh, I'm sorry that I tried to take control of your truck like that, and I didn't hate the Mayo clinic idea. I just didn't understand what it was. I still don't understand it, but I do trust you. Thanks, man. I'm sorry I had to fire you. I only did it because you were incredibly incompetent. Also, you seriously violated the hand-washing rule. Well, how am I supposed to know that manos means hands? Yeah, but how could you think manos meant cojones? 'Cause you know if I don't know what a word means, I immediately think the definition is my testicles. Of course. And I know that I gotta pick it up on the rent, and I made a few calls and got in touch with some old Beanie Baby broker buddies of mine, and turns out my first generation pinchers the lobster actually held its value pretty well. Wow. You sold your beanie babies to make rent? No. I sold my beanie babies to buy that ***' '80s limo. Wow. For best friends, we are rarely on the same page. Yeah, and I will get you back your half of the rent, plus more from all my sweet, sweet fares, and I'm gonna be the boss from day one, calling all the shots, just like Tony Danza. Uh, Max, you know, uh, the customer usually gets to decide when and where they're going. - Yeah, that's debatable. - Not debatable. That's how it works. Everything's debatable. I'm gonna go around O'Hare and see what shakes out. You need to be specially licensed and bonded for that. You do, and you don't, bro! Believe in me! I believe in you. Ugh. Ohh. Okay. Come on, Tanner. Let's get a move on. You wanna see it? Ugh. Go home. What are you doing here? I brought you a sbarro's to say I'm sborry? I can't believe you ditched me in the middle of an underage free-for-all to go to the mall with Chloe and the Madisons. I know. It was totally uncool of me, and halfway through I was like, "ugh, what am I doing with these girls?" I got my own girls. Aw. They ditched you, too, didn't they? So hard! And just, like, seconds after I bought them all b. F. F. Necklaces. Mean girls. But you'll be happy to hear, Billy Garrity-- Fat and bald! - He is?! - No, smokin' hot, but it turns out, still only dates college girls. Oh. Hi. I'm-- I'm-- I'm so sorry. I know it was wrong to follow her, but I was really just trying to help. And who are you? Jane Kerkovich, your egg donor, and when I saw Ju-- Dora going down a bad path, I just-- I felt I needed to protect her. I mean, it's biology. We have this profound connection. She's not yours. I know, but in a primal sense-- - Not in any sense. Not your egg. - Excuse me? We didn't use it. We loved your donor video Mm. But we were a little thrown by your unsolicited follow-up video. Hey, guys, so I've been thinking a little bit more about our baby, and I feel like there are a few things I failed to mention in the first video. One-- Nutrition. Sorry, just a little-- little Shakespeare joke, which brings us to the arts. You seemed a little crazy And not fun crazy-- The kind of crazy that would come back after 11 years and try to lure my daughter into a van. Think we're done here. Yes, we are. Okay, so So I'm going to be a terrible mother because I have zero maternal instinct. Are you kidding? You're gonna be an amazing mom. You did all that for a kid who's not even yours. And for what it's worth, your mom instincts were right on with Chloe and the Madisons. They were the worst. I don't know. I kinda liked Madison. It's Madison who was a total ***. - Ugh. - Anyway I'm glad they didn't use your egg, 'cause one day we're gonna have a little Jane of our own, and I want it to be the only one out there. - Aw! - Come here. - Boom! - Ohh. - Rent! - Hey. Eat it. Wait. Don't. It's money. The only thing dirtier is airplane ice. Wow, Max, where did you get all that? Well, I had a job. I lost it, was backed into a corner. Sold my Beanie Baby collection, bought a 1984 limousine, picked up Dr. and Mrs. Rosenberg, drove 'em back and forth to shul in time for havdalah, and by the way, Jews are actually excellent tippers, so I don't know where that came from. That's it. Matzo ball subs-- Back on the menu. You sold your Beanie Baby collection? It was a tough day. - Oh, God. - You had a tough day? I gotta unload 20 boxes of baby t-shirts. Huh? Baby t-shirts? Can I pull those off? I-I can't. You do have a store credit. Don't tell me that. - No? - Ugh! I can't! I shan't! Ugh! - Come on. - I want to! - You could if-- - You can. - You could. - Aah! - You could. - Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't. I won't. I won't. I won't. I'm a man! - Damn skippy. - Should I hold any ones? I am a man! No! I think you should. I'm not opposed. I'm not opposed to it. Do they make 'em in v-necks? - Yeah, they do! - By the way, I've-- - Yeah, girl! - I've had this internal debate