Secret

(BELL DINGS) ...he or she leaves the money with the cashier and then brings home the items you requested. Ian, it's impossible. (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) You can't train a dog to go grocery shopping. I can't even train you to go grocery shopping. Because that's dog work. Hey. Hey, wait. Aren't you gonna offer to help Mr. Norwood with his bags? Dad, if I offered to help every person carry their bags for them, they... I could be rich. I'll call it letmecarry allyourbagsforyou.com. That's a great idea. You know why it works? 'Cause you can picture it on the side of an arena. Here let me help you with these. Thanks, Mike. Next time, I'll splurge. I'll buy some with wheels. I'm sorry... Ian would've helped you with your bags, but he... I don't even know how to finish that sentence. It's all right. Kids these days. You know, they're in their own world. This whole twerking, you know, I mean, is that a hell of a thing? (CHUCKLES) Okay, is this it? I think we're over the weight limit. Hopefully, that's a ballpark number. (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) (CHUCKLES) You must be going on quite a trip. You know, I love New York. But there's one thing New York doesn't have. Waterslides. Yeah, that's why they call it the... City that never slides. When I was a kid, I loved waterslides. So as a treat to my younger self, I'm gonna take a waterslide tour of the lower Southwest. So if anybody comes looking for me, you tell 'em that's where I am. I'll be sure to spread the word. (BELL DINGS) Hands up, Norwood. You're under arrest. They must take that weight limit thing pretty seriously. (UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ Da, da, da Da, da, da ♪ Da, da, da, da ♪ Da, da, da Da, da, da ♪ Da, da, da, da ♪ Hey! There's a lotta cops down there. I can't believe there was a fugitive living 10 feet from our children. I can't believe I missed the story. Channel six got the scoop on this, and their weather map still shows the Soviet Union. Eh, don't beat yourself up, Dad. So you missed the fact that our neighbor was an infamous mobster who's been in hiding for the last 20 years. I mean, where's the story there? This just in, "Local man's love for daughter fading fast." Hey, if it makes you feel any better, Norwood had everyone fooled. Not me. I always knew there was something up with that guy. (CHUCKLES) You knew? The guy whose shirt is on backwards and inside out. And it's my shirt. Yeah, well, I found it in my drawer. Makes the guns pop. Bingo. Bango. (CLICKS TONGUE) Okay, what do we tell Graham? Because he was friends with Norwood. There are a lot of police outside. That's true. They're here to take Mr. Norwood to a farm. A farm? That worked with his gerbil. I thought they were taking him to jail for being a mobster. And they're pretty much raising themselves at this point. Yeah, yep. Hey, Harris. What are you doing here? Hey, Leigh. This is a little awkward, but after our thing the other night, I think I left my watch. Oh, yeah. I can't tell you how many guys have left stuff here. I mean, not that many. Just like the regular amount for a woman my... Come in. Come in. I'll just look for the watch. Oh, this is a nice place. (CHUCKLES) It looks different with my clothes on. (BOTH CHUCKLE) Well, I don't see any watches, but it could... I'm sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry. Maybe I could interest you in some cufflinks. (CHUCKLES) No, well, if the watch turns up, you know where to find me. Look, the other night was a lot of fun. (GIGGLES) Huh? (CHUCKLES) But it can't happen again. Can you imagine with Mike? Oh, yeah. With his boss and best friend sleeping with his sister? (CHUCKLES) He would not handle that well. Let's just chalk this up to a one-time thing. Or maybe a two-time thing. But now, really, this has got to be it. Otherwise, what? We start sneaking around so Mike won't find out? Running off at odd hours of the night, you know, coming up with elaborate cover stories. Wearing wigs to each other's apartments so we wouldn't be recognized. Yeah. It sounds...awful. Okay. So a three-time thing. (GAME NOISES) Hey, buddy. How you doing? So according to channel... (WHISPERING) Channel six, our old neighbor stole a lotta money over the years, most of which is unaccounted for. Luckily, we had someone on the inside. You know, Graham, sometimes the best way to deal with losing a friend is to talk about everything he's ever said to you. A few days ago, he gave me a statue, told me to hang on to it for safekeeping. Those are his exact words? "Hold on to it for safekeeping"? Graham, do you know how valuable this statue could be? Where'd you put it? Um... Maybe we'll get lucky and it'll be on top. At least it's dry. Yeah, it... I don't think they're gonna find it. And you know how they say that no one ever makes it out of a North Korean prison alive. I may have missed the Norwood story, but my intuition was still sharp enough to know that Susan was about to rip into me. Well, it's true. I mean, when I finally left there, I was clinically dead. I mean, I saw God. Hi, Mike. Damn it! Excuse me for a minute. Hey, Mike, you have a second? All right, let's hear it. I know you've probably been saving up Norwood jokes all morning. Give me your best shot. What are you talking about? That could've happened to anyone, I mean, all we have to care about now is where Norwood stashed that cash. Wow. Cool. I appreciate your professionalism. I'm right on it. Good. If you need any help, just ask my new assistant Al. Al Capone. I'm her assistant, see? (WHISPERING) I'm sorry, Mike, she's making me do this. This is all you got? You got Doug in a cheap, rented suit? This is my suit. I was expecting phone calls from Tony Soprano all day, or a horse's head on my chair. You're losing your touch. Yeah, maybe. But then again, you know, I'm not the investigative journalist who had no idea that there was a fugitive right under my nose. At least I've been working with the same nose my whole career. Ooh. Golly, Mike. You always manage to get the last laugh. And there's a stuffed horse's head on my chair. MIKE: Harris. Huh? MIKE: There you are. Listen, I know what you're thinking, buddy, and let me just promise you I haven't lost my touch. Mike, I guarantee you that's not what I was thinking. Because the thing is I thought I could come back to work and just pick up where I left off, but that's unfair to me. Yeah, totally unfair, so... What it boils down to is... Right, right. Boil it. I've been out of the game for a while, but like any great athlete, it's gonna take me a while to get those muscles back in shape again. Yeah, so get back out there, champ! Immediately. That's exactly what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get an exclusive interview with Norwood, and I'm gonna find out where that money is. No need to know the process. Just dazzle me with the results. I will. 'Cause from now on... Nothing gets by me. That was close. Maybe we shouldn't do this at your office anymore. Yeah, you're right. Anyone can see us. It's just an... Unnecessary...risk. I'll lock the door. Don't. You wanna be bad? You wanna be bad? You wanna be bad, huh? I've been worried Norwood may have been a bad influence on the kids. I was making a statement to the police when they were taking him away. Graham accused me of flipping. Annie, you're a great mother. One mobster isn't gonna undo years of loving and attentive parenting. What's going on? What do you mean? You're acting super weird today. You didn't second-guess my parenting. You didn't call any of the girls at Anthropologie a ***. You haven't complained about the Royal baby once. You're seeing someone. No. Yes, you are! You're seeing someone! I don't wanna talk about it. Since when? You always talk about the guys you date! You even told me about the undercover CIA agent you were seeing, and that was technically treason. He wasn't a CIA agent. He played a CIA agent... In a confidence scheme that I fell for. So why would you wanna keep this guy a secret? Unless... You think maybe he's the one, but you're afraid you'll jinx it. (SIGHS) That's it. Exactly. Now, let's change the subject before we ruin my relationship. Hey, say no more! I totally respect your privacy. What's Leigh's email password? I thought you were gonna respect her privacy. Well, that's just something people say. Yeah, something people who respect privacy say. (GASPS) I know who it is. It's the doorman. (CHUCKLES) I've definitely noticed them flirting. Oh, Mike, he would be so good for her. He's courteous, responsible, always opens the door for you. You realize you're just describing a doorman, right? Besides, if he's into anyone, he's into me. (CHUCKLES) No, I'm serious. Whenever he has a delivery, he always puts a little spin on the word "package." Nice. That's what he says. You have enough questions for Norwood? I... I think so. I had to strong-arm the DA to get an hour with this guy. I gotta make it count. The people deserve answers. My husband, so noble and relentless. Then I'm gonna rub those answers in Susan's stupid face. Yeah, also a little bit petty. It's "***", by the way. (BEEPING) I'm in. So it must get lonely down here, opening doors for people all day. You have anybody special at home opening doors for you? I have a, uh, doorman at my place. No, I mean... (CHUCKLES) I mean, are you seeing anybody? Ah. (CHUCKLES) Andy, it's me! It's Mrs. Henry from 5A! I used to call you Adam for a while. You can talk to me. Okay, yes. There is someone, but we're trying to keep it quiet. My job makes it...complicated. Complicated. Gotcha. Just so you know... (WHISPERS) I'm rooting for you and Leigh. Leigh? The woman in the basement that keeps badmouthing the Royal baby? No. No. No, my girlfriend's name is Tricia. The mail lady? Why does that need to be a secret? Oh, it would be quite the scandal in the lobby community. It really would. Harris? Hey! Annie! What are you doing here? I'm here to see, uh... Mike. And bring him flowers. Flowers? Yeah, that's right. You know, I think it's sad that a male friend can't bring another male friend flowers just because... I mean, I don't mean to direct this at you. It's about society as a whole. Well, anyway, what's new with you? Give me the latest on Annie Henry. Oh, I'm just preoccupied with this whole Leigh thing. Oh, Leigh, your sister-in-law, right? Yeah, what about her? She's dating some guy, won't say who it is. And apparently... He's the one. Really? The one? Uh, yeah, yeah, what...what fun for her. (CHUCKLES) And whoever the guy might be. Listen, I gotta go. So make sure Mike puts those in water with a crushed aspirin. They'll last longer. (UNDER BREATH) You have to pull... What? Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, and you go through it. Ease out... (CHUCKLING) Mike. Mikey! You are a sight for sore eyes. I gotta tell you, prison's really rough. Not enough waterslides for you? You know, they say that you should beat up a guy the first day. (SCOFFS) Easier said than done. A lot of these guys, they're really strong. Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Norwood. Or should I say Joey "The lip" Baldino? This guy was going down. Two men enter, one man leaves. Of course, the other man was handcuffed to the table, but still. Let's dive right in. Millions of dollars are unaccounted... Before we get into that, can I ask you something? Shoot, Joey. Uh, figure of speech. You really didn't know who I was? I mean, really? How could you not know? You lived next door to me for ten years. That, sir, is a bald-faced lie. It was actually eleven. So, you had no clue? I mean, whenever we would watch Goodfellas together, I'd sit on the couch. I'd be yelling, "No! No! No! They got it all wrong!" Well, I definitely noticed you were a bad person to watch a movie with, but it's not like we spent that much time together. What are you talking about? You used to come over to play poker. Man, you'd clean up. Yeah, when you move as much as I do, everything seems like a tell. Yeah. That's why the guys loved you so much, which is probably why they never shook you down. So these poker games involved some of your associates? On occasion. So would you say I successfully infiltrated your poker game? Not really. Could you say it? EVE: I can't believe how bad I smell. Ugh, is there still yogurt in my hair? Yes, everywhere. Ugh. Ugh. Hey, guys, great seeing you. Yeah, great for you, maybe. We spent the last two days in the garbage. You know, a lot of people throw out handfuls of...Band-Aids down that chute. Um, in the future when a mobster gives you a statue, you don't throw it out. Well, again, great seeing you. Why are you being so weird? Hey. Hey, what's under that pillow? This is my private space. Oh. Well, yeah, that checks out. All right, then. Hey, we'll just be on our... Sneak attack! Ahhh! The statue! Graham! Why did you lie to us? Because you said it was valuable, and I'm gonna trade it to friend Ben for a cool rock. No! Are you crazy? Graham! There's probably something really valuable inside, like a stolen diamond or an even more valuable owl statue! We gotta break it open! You can't break this open. This is crime memorabilia. We can sell this online and get like $500. You know what's cooler than $500? $5 million. Uh, yeah. No one's arguing the other side of that. I'm just saying if we break this open, and there's nothing inside, then it will be totally worthless. You're worthless! I want the rock! Whoa! No! Don't just stand there! EVE: Graham! I caught it! Did you see that? Wait, I wanted it to break. (EXCLAIMS) Oh! Could you guys kill each other more quietly? I'm trying to get through Aunt Leigh's emails. Oh! Great. Mom can be the tiebreaker. Okay, so Mr. Norwood gave Graham this owl a few days before he was arrested. Ian wants to break it open. Yeah. Graham wants to trade it for a rock, and I want to sell it on eBay. All good ideas. I'm gonna go with none of them. Okay, we're taking that to the police. Oh, Mom. You're the worst. Hey. (RASPY VOICE) Never speak against the family. Thank you, Graham. Maybe Norwood wasn't such a bad influence. (RASPY VOICE) Forget about it. Okay, I think he... Yeah, he was. (DOOR BELL RINGING) Leigh. Damn it! You knew it was me? I thought for sure this would throw people off the scent. You know, this is why you never cheap out on a wig. No, I was just not expecting to see you tonight. I don't feel so great. Do not eat scallops in winter. Oh. We don't have to go to dinner. We could just stay in and watch a show on Netflix. I've heard good things about Lilyhammer, but it's two seasons so it's kind of a commitment. I don't want a commitment! Oh. All right, this is weird. What's going on? Oh, I'm sorry. You know, Annie told me what you said about me being "The one," and don't take this personally, but uh-uh. Oh, relax, buddy. I just said that to Annie so that she would get off my back. Believe me, if there is "A one," it is definitely not you. Oh, thank God. You know, it's just I'm happy with the way things were going. You know, actually, I can't remember the last time I had this much fun. To tell you the truth, this is all I think about when we're not together. Yeah, me too. I can't get you off my mind. And I can't concentrate at work because... I'm just thinking of ways to sneak off to see you. Yeah! Does that mean... Maybe you are the one. BOTH: Damn it. MR. NORWOOD: It's all right. Oh, hey, Mike, what are you doing, looking at the footage of your interview? Yep. It's a triumph. Oh, good. So much good stuff. Don't you remember, you gave me that spare key to your apartment? MIKE: Yeah, but that was just to water my plants. And when I get home, I'm counting them. Almost too much. Let me turn this off. NORWOOD: Bill! Randall! Come here! Come here! This is the guy I was telling you about! Oh, no! No, no, no. This is Mike Henry! He had no clue! Honest to God. It turns out Bill and Randall were big fans. Mmm-hmm. Well, that's good, because they're our key demographic. I signed a few autographs. Uh-huh. In crayon, 'cause it's hard to make a shiv out of a crayon. Yeah, I know how to make a shiv, Mike. You know what, Mike? I think you've done enough on this project. I'm gonna follow the money trail from here on out, okay? (LAUGHS) We'll see about that. NORWOOD: He had no idea they were filled with cash. Could somebody turn this off? Susan wants to take over the Norwood story. I don't know. Maybe it's for the best. I'm tired of dealing with that sociopath. And Norwood. Mike, the interview's gonna cut together fine. I mean, you got a great angle. What you don't know about your neighbor may surprise you. Ooh! Am I on the wrong side of the mic? Because that sounded good. I don't know, Harris. Maybe five years is too long to be out of the game. There was a time when nothing would get by me. Like the creases in your shirt tell me it's the spare one from your desk, which means you slept over at a woman's last night. Maybe I just sat weird. And apparently, her apartment is near mine. (STAMMERING) What would make you say that? You got a poppy seed in your tooth, and you only like the poppy seed bagels from the deli in my neighborhood. I had a craving. And it's only 40 blocks. Well, that explains that. But what it doesn't explain...is this. Well, this isn't Marshalls. How did you know she was in there? I didn't even know she was in there. I was waiting for the right moment to surprise you. Well, it would've been more of a surprise if you didn't reset the thermostat to 75. Harris likes it cool. You know, he does run hot. He usually has to take a cold shower right after we... (HUMMING) Well, I should've known. I can't keep a secret from Mike Henry. You haven't lost a step. I mean, you're like Batman crossed with the Mentalist. Ooh, I watched the hell out of that show. Well, objectively speaking, that thermostat thing was inspired. I scare myself sometimes. You know what? The Bat Mentalist, he doesn't gloat. Wait, what about us? Are you mad? What, about you two? No, you're both... Sort of adults. What do you have to say about that? I guess we don't have to sneak around anymore. Yeah. (LAUGHING) We don't have to sneak around anymore. No more wigs... Huh. Huh. Sorry we got your statue taken away. But we found some cool stuff from the trash... Store. From the store. Yeah. All right. We're square. MIKE: Life's funny. You wake up every day with no idea of what you might discover. Maybe it's love. What do you mean, you can't get me in to see Norwood? Oh, it didn't pan out? Well, maybe you're not gonna pan out. Oh, you've gotta stop crying. Listen, a lot of people's wives are pregnant. MIKE: But sometimes, it's the answer to a mystery. If you're still following the money trail, you might check into the house Norwood's mother bought last month. It's a pretty big purchase for a woman who's been dead for five years. Where... There's no... There's no... How did... How did you know this? Well, it's an old money laundering trick. It's something you pick up if you play poker with your neighbors. And sometimes these things turn out to be a surprise. So Harris and Leigh broke up. MIKE: And sometimes they play out pretty much how you expected. Did you know he was the one she was dating? Of course, I knew. I gave them my blessing. I figure if I hadn't, they would've gotten married just to spite me. So what are we gonna do with this guy? Well, I told the kids we were taking him to the police, so... Break it wide open? That's what I'm thinking. Oops. Parkinson's. Hey! Hey! Hey! What's this? It's a letter. "But no matter what you find, "never stop searching." Well, that's... Total nonsense. "Bet on Endless Summer to win the derby." Wait a minute. This is... Five years old. Already checked. Damn it. (LAUGHING)