Ep 2.5 Leslie - Seeking simone

Don't you think it's a little too soon? Listen, I thought you'd be happy that I'm getting back on the dating horse. But you're barely off the "weeping while live-tweeting every sad episode of Buffy" horse. I just think you need a little more time to recover after Sylvia's... freak out. Yeah. That’s what I thought. But something Stone said today actually got me thinking. You know, I've learned a lot of things about myself recently and... I’m sorry, are you going to be doing it like that the whole time? Oh my god, would you stop busting my hump please? You know, coma acting has its own set of challenges, Stone. Am I in a happy place? A sad place? Is my catheter loose? - Okay, alright. - Do you wanna try it again? Yeah, actually. Okay, so - Audrey. Miss Grihm still not returning your calls? Nope... Wow, a reporter squeezes your *** and your girlfriend dumps you. - Strange world. - Yeah. Yeah. I saw a movie like that once, this is not how it ended up. No? How’d it end? Well, ha, all three girls, they went back to the same apartment together and they totally got it on. And then they were totally exhausted, so they decided to order some pizza. And this guy brought over the extra large sausage, I mean - He got you thinking about ***? No, he got me thinking about FANTASY. The reality is as much as I wish Sylvia would wake up and realize that it was all a huge misunderstanding, she probably won't. - But what if - - No! I've apologized up, down and around! I've sent her flowers, feathers, , a Once More With Feeling mix tape – *** it! She doesn't want to hear it. She's moving on so am I. I’m done wallowing. Okay. Well then, good for you. So who are you meeting? Her name is Leslie she's an accountant... Really? Listen, you know people who are good at math turn me on. - Oh, yeah. - She had a really great profile. And it was super cute and funny And she said this hilarious thing about how Twilight made her balls shrivel up and I was going "Oh my god, me too!" and then we "LOL'd". And it was funny, but you probably had to be there, so… What does she look like? Dark hair, dark eyes... the picture was a bit funky, it's like she got caught in a water fight with some random dude, like ... But super cute. And she said she'd wear a blue shirt so that I knew it was her. Do you want me to check her out before you - Oh, no. Thank you. I think it is high time that I pick out my own date. Then, grasshopper...you have my blessing. - Simone? - Yeah? It's me, Leslie. Leslie? - Blue shirt. - Blue shirt. Okay, great. Um, I’m just going to go ahead and freshen up for just a second. I’ll be right back. - Okay? - Okay. Uh, are you covering my flank or are you just going to flirt with this *** centaur? I’m TRYING to curse him! Empress Audrina AFK. Simone, are you okay? Oh my god, Audrey. Leslie is a man. - What? - She is a MAN. What do you mean, "she's a man"? Is she not wearing enough lipstick for you? - Open your MIND a little bit! - Aw, *** you guys! That’s not what I mean! I have been on my fair share of dates with cute bois with an "i"! And I’ll have you know that I have been to every reading Ivan E. Coyote has ever done! - That's not what I mean! - Okay, what do you mean? She is an actual man. You mean she's transitioning? No, I mean that I am currently on a date with someone who has always been and still is a biological male. Oh. How'd that happen? I don't know! What do I do? Should I just leave? No! He is a human being on a date. You have to go back and explain. Explain? What do I say? You made the pick - you deal with the ***. Really, Audrey? We're doing a unit on poetry in class. Alrighty, thanks, helpful. Thanks. Bye bye. Everything okay? Yeah, hi. Hi. Well? Shall we... Yeah, um…listen I really feel like I need to be straight with you right now. From your profile, you seem like a really great guy but I just don’t think that I’m what you’re looking for. Really, because, well…I’m a lesbian. Oh great. Here we go again. Again? "You're not what I was expecting, you seem like a great person, I really liked your profile, it's just that I'm a lesbian." - Well, it’s, but... - Why can't you women just be honest with a guy? Is it my weak wrists? Am I just not Old Spicy enough for you? - No it's… - Is it the accountant thing? I mean, I know, it's not all sexy, but I make good money! No, I know, listen. It is because you are a dude and I. Am. A. Lesbian. Then why did you agree to meet with me in the first place? Because your profile was in the "Women Seeking Women" section. Really? That...explains my last three lesbian dates. And also maybe the two times I got stood up. Probably. Listen, I got a question for ya. Who IS in your profile shot? It's me. No, no. YOU are barely in it. It’s, like, your forehead and an eyeball. - Who's the chick in the picture? - It’s my sister. - Yeah. - You thought you were meeting my sister. - Yeah. - Oh god, I'm so sorry. It's okay. It's an honest mistake. Right? - Yes! Yes! I wouldn’t – - Okay. I guess we should just go... Well... Me too. I haven't eaten all day. I bet, you had that big audit today. That’s right! You remembered. Well, I was trying to be a good date. - Cocktail menu? - Oh, please. Thank you. All in all, it was a very nice date. *** notwithstanding. She actually called you a "Jenny"? That's waaaay over the line, even for a crazy stalker! - Oh, I was so furious. - I'm furious on your behalf. Thank you! I had no idea you were such an L Word fan. Oh, I just… I watch it for the scintillating storylines. Oh yeah. Well, me too. And the locations... they’re nice. Oh, locations, great locations. - So hilly. - Oh, just voluptuous. Mm. I just want to say, I really appreciate you sticking around and telling me what was up. You're the only one who did. This whole online dating thing has been a disaster. Oh, I hear you, brother. Like, my sister met her boyfriend online last year so she basically forced me to sign up. I didn't really want to do it, but I haven't been on a date in...well, a long time and I just thought, "why not, give it a shot, maybe..." ...you’ll meet someone awesome!" Exactly. Exactly! Somebody who’s like you, but... straight. Oh, stop it. But a little more… Maybe the fact that all I meet are bitter, disappointed lesbians is a sign that I just…I’m just not meant to meet anybody. Well, ***. You know what that’s a sign of? That you ticked the wrong box when you were filling out your profile. - You think so? - Yes. Listen, you are charming, you are funny, you are handsome. If I liked the ***... I'd be all up in this. - Thank you. - You're welcome. Listen. I am by no means an expert. But I feel like we shouldn’t give up. I know you and I have had our fair share of asstastic dates. But I really believe that it’s better to keep the door open. - Even if it occasionally... - Slams shut on our ands? Yes. Even if it occasionally slams shut on our ***. - Okay. - Okay. I just moved here a few months ago and I don't really have a lot of friends yet so do you want to hang out every once in awhile? - That'd be really cool. - Great. - I could even do your taxes! - Really? - Thanks - Oh, no. My treat. - No, I can’t let you... - Oh yes you can. I have my wallet! - Classy. - It was a karmic thing. And then... - That was fun. - Yes, it was fun. It’s kind of early. We could hang out. - Yeah, let’s do it. - See a movie? - Sure! - Chick flick? Wow…hi...