The Bomber by Eric Ferguson - Dialogue and Script

The scene is a street outside the White House. Two guards are standing at a gate. From offstage we hear a car pull up and Guard 1 goes to meet it. He addresses the driver in a voice that shows the boredom of going through the same routine many times a day.) GUARD 1 Good afternoon sir welcome to the White House how can I help you. BOMBER Hey man, I'm here to blow up the White House, boom! (He laughs, Guard 1 cuts him off.) GUARD 1 Please be on your way sir. (Guard 1 comes back on stage, followed by Bomber.) BOMBER No really man, I got a bomb in my car. GUARD 2 Sir, do you know how many times a day we hear that same story anymore? Every low-life in the country thinks that because other people are shooting at the White House, and crashing planes into it, that they have to do the same. Now, you don't really have a bomb in your car, and we'd really rather not have to bother arresting you, and searching the car, and so on and so on, so please just go. BOMBER Hey man, you can't do this, I got rights! GUARD 2 (Still bored with the routine.) You really want to bomb the White House? BOMBER Yeah! GUARD 2 Okay, I suppose we can put you on the list. BOMBER The list? GUARD 2 (He flips through papers on a clipboard.) There's a lot of people ahead of you for blowing up the president. Let's see, well, you'll have to get behind all the Senate Republicans... GUARD 1 No no, that's the list of people who think they ought to be president. GUARD 2 Oh yeah. Here we go. Bob Dole, Jesse Helms, Newt Gingrich... GUARD 1 No, that's the list of people who think they are president. GUARD 2 Oh right. Here we go. I'll put you down sir, but you'll have to be behind the National Rifle Association and Right to Work Committee. BOMBER You don't think I'm serious, do you? Oh yeah, well, I'm going to bring the whole White House crashing down, right on top of the president...and her husband. (He laughs uproariously.) GUARD 1 Please wait just a moment there sir. (Guard 1 hauls out a chart with a few marks on it and adds another one. Bomber stops laughing.) BOMBER What's that? GUARD 1 It's for our own amusement sir. We keep track of how many times a day we hear that "president and her husband" joke. BOMBER You guys are nuts man, you must be the pot smokers who did inhale. (Neither guard replies. Guard 1 pulls out another chart and makes another mark.) Oh come on man...what's that other chart? GUARD 2 That one's for "Al Gore being stiff" jokes. This one is for the Clinton bucket of chicken having all left wings. GUARD 1 This one we saved from the Bush administration. (He pulls out a chart covered with marks.) This is Dan Quayle dumb jokes. GUARD 2 Wow, look at this old one. "President and Her Husband" jokes, 1935. BOMBER Look, look man, this is getting annoying. Now either you search my car or I'm going to hire a lawyer and sue, you hear me? GUARD 1 You have no grounds for a suit sir. BOMBER That hasn't stopped Paula Jones. GUARD 2 (The guards look at each other.) All right, I'll do it. Where's the bomb sir? (Goes off to search car) BOMBER In the front seat. GUARD 2 You mean this package? BOMBER Yeah. GUARD 2 (Coming back on with the package.) This is a bologna sandwich sir. BOMBER No, that's a bomb! GUARD 2 (Sniffing the package and handing it to Guard 1) Maybe if you let it sit in there another day before eating it. GUARD 1 (Examining the package.) This is bologna sir. BOMBER And how can you be so sure? GUARD 1 It looks like bologna, it smells like bologna, and it's wrapped in a copy of the "Contract with America". GUARD 2 Sir, you obviously don't have a bomb, so please just leave. (They start to hustle the bomber back to his car.) BOMBER Okay man, okay, maybe I don't have a bomb, but I have some vicious wild animals in the trunk, and I'm going to release them on the White House grounds. I've got wolves, and alligators, and lions... GUARD 2 Fine, fine, I'll look in the trunk. Give me the key sir. (Guard 2 goes off and we hear the sound of the trunk being opened followed by the sound of snarling, snapping animals.) GUARD 2 Back, get back! GUARD 1 Those aren't animals sir, those are Pat Buchanan and Rush Limbaugh. GUARD 2 Down, down! No, I don't want to buy your book, get back in there! (Guard 2 closes the trunk and comes back on stage.) GUARD 1 That's it sir, now be on your way. BOMBER (As they hustle him off.) No, please, I have a bazooka in my glove compartment, I'm storing acid in my gas tank, urk. (Sound of the car driving away, guards come back on stage) GUARD 1 Where do these lunatics keep coming from? GUARD 2 Tell me about it. (An explosion is heard) What the...what do you know, he did have a bomb. GUARD 1 (As they peer into the distance) What all did he destroy? GUARD 2 He blew up a public TV station, an art museum, and a children's hospital. They're just bombed out shells. GUARD 1 Oh well, that's what they're going to look like in a couple years anyway. (Blackout)