Harry Potter And The Ten Years Later - Episode Two

Oh my god! Oh my god! Did we have sex last night!? We sure did, cowboy. Oh my god! Silenzio! Ah! Oh. Wait. Am I supposed- Wasn’t that a spell? It’s Italian. It means shut up. Ginny, honey, darling, I- Harold James Potter! I had come here to report that I haven’t found Ron, and to ask if perhaps you’d gotten lucky. [snicker] Instead I am forced to reassess everything I thought I cared about in my life. Harry, do you wish to be married to me? Yes! Yes, of course, darling! I love you! I- Shut up! How long has this been going on? Never! Just last night! It was an accident! We drank too much! Because we were so upset! Worried about Ron! Is that true? No. I was curious what it would be like to sleep with Harry. So I poured wine down his throat and jumped him. It’s not rocket science. And is it going to happen again? No! No, of course not! I don’t even remember it happening the first time! Hermione? No. I’m satisfied. Well, my curiosity is satisfied. How could you? Was my explanation not clear? Harry, get dressed! What the!? Where is my-!? Ah yes, that. While I decide what’s to become of us, I’ve confiscated your genitals. Confiscated them!? Well where the hell are they!? Never you mind! And you. You admit that you betrayed my trust, seduced my husband, and ruined our friendship all for one night of drunken sex? That’s not the Hermione Weasley I called a sister. I knew this would upset you. I do hope we can get past it. Maybe we can talk it out over margaritas. How’s your Thursday? I hereby challenge you to a duel. Ooo! I’ve never been in one of those! Uh, Ginny, hon, not sure- Harry shut up! Tomorrow. Midnight. Agreed. Fine! Harry, go find Ron. Try not to have sex with him. How could I when you’ve got my- Go! You know the last thing Ron said before he left me? He said, Your problem is you’ve never made a mistake in your life. I want to see what I’ve been missing. Oh blow it out your ***. [cell phone rings] Hello? Harry Potter? Yes. Sorry to read about you being out of work. But we've got something we think would be perfect for you. Look, I’ve told you people before. I don’t see why anyone would want a Lego video game based on my life. It doesn’t make any sense. Why can’t they just be us, people? What do Lego blocks have to do with anything!? It’s bloody stupid! No no no, it’s nothing like that. Perfectly respectable job, I promise. Come by tonight. I’ll text you the address. Ron, I know you’re out here. Hello Harry! Tea? So nice having company. Haven’t seen anyone in ages. What do you expect? You’ve been hiding in a forest for a month. In a place only Hermione or I would even think to look for you. Hadn’t been back here since then. Out hunting Horcruxes. We never really took the time to enjoy nature, you know? Uh, we were a bit distracted. Aren’t we always though? Aren’t we always though? Um… Are you high? Oh, sorry. Want some? What’s wrong with living out here, you know? Communing with Mother Earth, living off the land? There’s nothing wrong with it, Ron. It’s just sort of, you know, sudden. And big. You know, a big change. I mean, what about Hermione? Haven’t been feeling a ton of respect from that direction. Before I left, she told me I put the Ron in moron. Sorry. Why? I didn’t say it wasn’t funny. I’m just saying… I’m just saying… Hermione and I fell in love when we were kids. When silly little things like complete incompatibility didn’t matter. Do you know what it’s like being married to someone who’s better than you at everything? Well, no. Seems mean to say it out loud though. I’m sure she’s not better than you at everything. She beat me in a *** contest! Wow… Distance? Distance. Wow. I mean there's being a ***-up, then there’s being a ***-up who lives with Hermione. Ron, you’re not a ***-up. Fifteen failed businesses in eight years? Who’s high now? Still you. What happened with the last one? You said it was a sure thing. Said that about all of them, though, didn’t I? I guess the world just wasn’t ready for edible socks. I still don’t see how it’s any worse than edible underwear. But that’s the whole point, I suppose. Ah, here we are. Immobulus! Such a generous bounty nature provides! Do you want a sandwich? You call this living off the land? Is this how you’ve been getting food? And pot! So you're abandoning your wife, and you’re going to spend your remaining days living in the woods stealing food from campers because your life hasn't gone as planned? You know I never really had any plans. You must be getting me confused one of with the girls. Speaking of which, have you knocked up my sister yet? Weird... And no. She wants a family. I know. It's just, whenever I picture a child, it's never happy. I love Ginny, I just don't see why anyone would want to do that to a kid. What? Have one? It's hard to explain. Hey man, I'm here for you. I think I feel like, like the very concept of a family- Oh ***! I forgot to unfreeze the muggles! Pew! I do hope you’ll think about coming back. I mean, everyone’s entitled to a bad mood now and then, but this is a bit dramatic. I lost my job yesterday, doesn’t mean that I’m going- You lost your job yesterday? So you don’t have to work tomorrow! Brilliant! You should crash here tonight! It’ll be great! I’m sure I can find a caravan with some beers in it. No, I can’t. I have this job offer, interview, thing I have to go to. Job offer? Yeah, I got the call this morning. So you lost your job yesterday, and got offered one this morning? Uh... yeah? Excuse me. Did you eat my damn sandwich? FUUUUUUUCK! So, Harry Potter. What makes a man a man? Uhhh... Memories. A man is defined by his collection of memories. They determine who he is, how he will act. Powerful little buggers, memories. Sometimes that can be a problem. And that’s where we come in. That’s Stretch. I’m Squat. We’re private contractors. Usually hired by the Department of Magical Enforcement. What happens is, wizard or witch commits a crime, enforcers pick him up. We’re called in to wipe the memory of any muggles that see what they shouldn’t. Requires dedication. Long hours. Maybe spending some nights in the office. Can get dangerous. Nothing the great Harry Potter can’t handle. Oh, uh, thank you. Um, well yeah, sounds good. Just got to talk it over with the wife. What you got to talk about it with her for? It’s a good job, all on the up and up. Just take it! Oh, no, I’m sure it is. It’s just we usually discuss before making any big decisions, and I’m kind of in it right now with her anyway so… What’s the matter? She got your balls in her purse or something? Maybe we were wrong. Maybe the great Harry Potter can’t handle it. I mean you haven’t really faced anything like that since you was a kid, eh? Well that doesn’t have anything to do with it! He was better looking as a kid. When did his nose get so big? And your accent’s complete ***. Hey! I didn’t come here for this! I came here for a job! Good. Welcome aboard. Are you joking? Oops. Hi hon. God I’m exhausted. Found Ron. He’s a bit frazzled, but he’ll be all right. Just needs some time to sort things out, I’m sure. Got a lead on a new job. Well, sort of. What? Oh. Right. Hi, Stretch? Job offer still good? I'll take it.