Night Court S2E13 - English Transcript

- Ta-da. - That's it, sir. - That's what? - Ah, ah. - That is a new record. - What do you mean, a new record? See, the bailiff on day shift and I have these little wagers on stuff our judges do. You know, like, uh, who has the lowest percentage of repeat offenders... ...uh, how many times they *** their gavel during a session. You pit your judge against his? We used to race cockroaches. - Got your camera ready, Bull? Okay. - Right here, sir. Shoot and collect. Hello. Sorry, Bull. I've got to learn to focus faster. Don't worry, big fella. We'll get them on the "illegal search and seizure" competition. I'm sorry if we're interrupting something here. Oh, that's fine. Can we help you? We'd be mighty obliged if you could. I'm Bob Elmore, and this here is my missus, Mucette. [LAUGHING] Would you listen to him? Everybody who knows him calls him Daddy Bob. He hasn't been called Bob since he got out of high school. Well, now, never... Daddy Bob, Mucette, you're from out of town, aren't you? How did you know that? Well, I didn't recognize the name of the feed store on your shopping bag. Isn't he the smart one? Yes, isn't he? Well, we're looking for the office of the "assistant district attorney." Oh, that's one floor down. That's where we'll find our Danny boy. Danny boy? - Danny boy Fielding? BOB: Yeah. He's our son. Dan Fielding is your son? I'm afraid she has a hearing problem, mother. We'll have to speak up. Excuse me, I thought you said your name was Elmore. - Well, it is. - But Dan? Oh, that's his real name too. Fielding's his middle name. He started using that when he went to college... ...because he felt it sounded better for a lawyer. Maybe he was right, because now, he's a lawyer. [BOTH LAUGHING] [BULL LAUGHING] I don't think they get it. Daddy Bob, Mucette, have a seat? - Why, thank you. - Thank you. Now, I may be mistaken, but I understood that you had, uh, passed on. I don't follow. Well, I thought that you were no longer with us. I beg your pardon. Dan said you were dead. - Thanks, Bull. - Dead? [BOTH LAUGHING] Oh, that little scamp. He was always trying to pull somebody's leg. [KNOCKING ON DOOR] Your Honor, do me a favor and take a look at this, l... You let Bull shuffle again, didn't you, sir? Dan, there's somebody here to see you. What? [CHUCKLES] Thank God they left the livestock in the car. We're sure proud of you, Danny boy. The whole town is proud of you. How are the dirty dozen? Well, the population is down to eight now. DAN: Really? - Doc Tanner left. What a shame. The rest went when the gas station blew. Oh, it was awful. Took the church and the bookmobile with it. News from home. Thanks for catching me up. So how long you two kids gonna be in town? BOB: Ahem. - Well, no special amount of time. We just want to visit our boy... ...and we wanna take in some of the cultural attractions. That Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum. I gotta see that. I understand the "People Who Took Bullets and Lived" exhibit is inspiring. BILLIE: Dan, here's the docket... - Thank you. Aw, now, please, Mr. Elmore, that's not necessary. Well, where I come from... ...a man always stands when a pretty girl shows up. Well, thank you. And you are a pretty girl. It's a shame though that your hair all fell out. All rise. You may be seated. - Cute couple, huh? - Yes, sir, and generous. - They gave me this. - What is it? Hog's headcheese. Did you open it? Not on your life, sir. I believe I'd eat aluminum siding first. Mac, I'm sorry. Where they come from, most of the food is pagan deli. I've been trying to figure out that accent. - Where are they from? - Paris. That would have been my second guess. Paris, Louisiana. It's about a hundred miles from nowhere in particular on Earth. - You're from Paris, Louisiana? - My grandfather named the town. - In World War I, he was stationed in... - France? Paris, Illinois. And I think that about says it all, don't you? - Uh, we're ready, Your Honor. - Thanks, Bull. Call the first case, Mac. People v. Bambi. This, I take it, is Bambi? She was foraging for more than berries when they busted her. - Thanks, Selma. - I've got more if things get slow. We'll let you know. Prosecution? She approached an undercover officer, he arrested her, the people rest. [BOTH APPLAUDING] While such outbursts are, uh, not something you really do in a courtroom... ...the court agrees that the prosecution did a splendid job in presenting its case... ...and should be commended for the brevity and grace of its presentation. Do I get a gold star to put on my attaché? The defendant pleads guilty. However, we request that the sentence be reduced... ...to time served and a limited fine. Time served it is, $50 fine. - Thank you, Your Honor. - Selma? SELMA: Come on, Bambi. Thumper is gonna be very cross with you. - Your Honor. - Mr. Prosecutor. Sir, I appreciate what you think you may be doing for my benefit... ...but it really isn't necessary to try to make me look good up here. They don't even know what time zone they're in. That's a bit harsh, isn't it, Dan? We're talking about people who debate red or white wine with chicken feet. I got a great idea. I'm sure you don't, sir. Why don't we all go out for the dinner break? - We all who? - You and your folks and us. - No. - Oh, it will be fun. - No. - We'll take them to a classy place to eat. No, you can't make me do it. Okay, you can't make me like it. Excuse me, I'm Judge Stone. I made reservations for eight. Yes, Judge Stone, of course. This way, please. Excuse me, monsieur... ...but I'm afraid a tie is required for all gentlemen. I'm wearing a tie. That is a shoestring with a rock attached to it. - Excuse me, Mr? - Henri. Yeah, Henri, in many parts of the world, that is considered a tie. - Lf Your Honor says so. - Thanks. They're from Paris. Mama wrote me that things were different now. This way, please. - Madam? - Thank you. Daddy Bob, isn't it beautiful? It's also dark, more like a funeral home. Oh, honey, I saw that in the Sears catalogue. Do you mind telling me how much you paid for it? I'm really sorry. The doctor said she'd be in and out for a while. Now, I don't want anyone to be shy. This is my treat. Thank you, sir. Don't hurt me, Bull. I think I came here once with my husband. You were married, Selma? Do chickens have lips? Yeah, but I don't see it on the menu. Would anyone like, uh, a cocktail before dinner? I'm afraid most of us are still working, Henri. In fact, we don't really have as much time as we'd like. - Then perhaps you'd like to order? - Perhaps. - I know what I want. HENRl: Yes, sir? I'll start with the foie gras, followed by the potage a la tortue... ... coq de bruyère for my entrée, some baby carrots, not too soggy... ...and for dessert the baba au rhum. I'll have the same, but I want my carrots mushy. Madam, I shall pound them personally. And for monsieur? Uh, Daddy Bob, I think he's asking you. I have no idea what I'm looking at. Well, perhaps, sir, you will allow me to recommend something? Well, if you don't know a tie when you see it... ...I doubt if you'd know what's good to eat. - Order the sweetbreads. - Sounds kind of sissyish. That's what they call the lymph glands of the calf, you'll love it. It's arguably the most repulsive part of the animal. - I'll take that. - Very good, monsieur. On wheat toast, please. Well, well, Fielding, how are you? Judge Tallon, how are you, sir? Good evening. I'd like you to meet Marjori. My pleasure. I think you know almost everyone here. - Judge Stone. - Yes, of course, Stone. Bull Shannon. - Selma Hacker. - Hi. - Mac Robinson. MAC: How do you do? - Billie Young. TALLON: I believe we've met. And that's about it. [BILLIE CLEARS THRO AT] Yes, the Elmores. Good to see you. Hope we can do it again, goodbye. Ah. Bob Elmore, I'm glad to know you, judge. - This is my wife, Mucette. - How do you do? Mucette, what an interesting name. Oh, I bet you say that to all the girls. - Now, mother. - Ha, ha. Yes, well... So you know my Danny boy here, do you, judge? TALLON: Danny boy? Oh, we are awfully proud of our itty-bitty baby. Would you not? Fielding's your son. Yeah, and I suppose this is your granddaughter. Hardly. Marjori is my dinner companion. [GASPS] That young thing? Why, you old devil, you. Well, I never... And we believe you, Judge Tallon. Why don't you folks sit down and join us for a cup of, uh... - Café au lait. - Yeah, that's the stuff. We're leaving, thank you. Come, Marjori. See you in court, counselor. Yes, sir. It will be a pleasure having you rule against me. Kind of a grumpy feller, ain't he? Well, I'm gonna insist that he come back and have some fun with us. No, leave him alone. Well, I'll go by his office in the morning... ...and I'm gonna take him a great big piece of... No, don't take anybody a great big piece of whatever it is... ...you two have slain and dragged across the state line. Sounds like you've gotta burn your bridges, Danny boy. Don't call me Danny boy. As a matter of fact, don't either of you ever call me again, period. Pass me his roll. No sign of Dan in his office, sir. He's ten minutes late for the session as it is. I asked around, but nobody's seen the Elmores come back here. Can you blame them? I mean, the way their own child walked out on them? The prodigal son returns. I'm sorry I'm late. I hope it was because a dog bit you... ...and you had to go through a series of painful rabies shots. Thank you. I know what you're thinking. I'm an ingrate son who ought not to have treated his parents... ...in such a dastardly fashion. - That's it, that's it. - Took the words right out... Dan, I've gotta admit, I'm disappointed in you myself. You didn't have to be raised by them, sir. They seem like sweet, wonderful people. Good Lord, woman, are you blind? You probably came from some normal family. I was raised by the folks from Deliverance. We're talking... We are talking about your parents. We are talking about Ma and Pa Kettle. Dan, now, I know I can't force you to talk about your personal relationships. But you'll make my life hell if I don't. Don't worry about it. I'd threaten people too if I had the clout. I'll see you in my office, counselor. Yes, sir. I'd rather be raked over the coals alone, if you don't mind. Want me to go cut you a switch? If it were in my jurisdiction. There's more here than just appears on the surface, Harry. There usually is, Dan. Those people represent everything I have fought to get away from my entire life. Dan, they can't be that bad. My God, Harry, they're Democrats. I stand corrected. My father is a dirt farmer. Dan, farming is noble... No crops, Harry. He farms dirt. Sure, maybe a few rocks now and then. And I suppose he never tried to do any better? DAN: Yeah, sure, he tried, but he always failed. Year after year after year, but nothing ever grew. That's not persistence, that's stupid. Dan, it's true I don't know very much about your father... ...but from what little I do know... ...stupid is not a word that I would use to describe him. And I think you're a pompous *** for saying so. That may be. Doesn't mean it isn't true. BOB: The boy's right, judge. Anybody who'd sit on the same piece of land... ...for 45 years and never see it produce... ...can't be the smartest man in the world now, could he? I never lost hope, did I, mother? No, you didn't, Daddy Bob. You had more hope than anybody in the parish. Except maybe the fella at the filling station... ...who tried to check his fuel tanks with a match. Mr. And Mrs. Elmore, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stick my nose into somebody else's business. That's a judge's job, isn't it? I suppose it is. Uh, you see, judge, what the boy did here, it was right. He got out of that little two-bit town, made something out of himself. And I encouraged him all the way, didn't I, boy? We sold everything decent that we had, give him some pocket money for college. But he did all the rest himself, the scholarships and the odd jobs in school. It was the naked modeling that upset me, though. - That was an art class, mother. - I don't care. Nobody should've been looking at my little Danny. Figure of speech. We gave the boy all we could, Your Honor... ...and in return, we figure he owes us nothing. If you give to your kid just because... ...you hope you're gonna get some reward from him later... ...well, I just don't know what giving is supposed to be all about. You keep up the good work, boy. We're proud of you. Come on, mother. Goodbye, son. I liked you better in a crew cut. I know you'll do the honorable thing. Let me see a pair of them sunglasses there with the Brooklyn Bridge on it, yeah. [BOB & MUCETTE LAUGHING] Huh? Ah... - How do I look? What do you think? - Ha, ha. Aren't we Mr. Broadway? Ha, ha. - Let's see, that's it. That's it. SELMA: Wonderful. - Give them a deal. BOB: What do you think? - Oh, they're definitely you. - Oh, yes. I'll take them. BILLIE: We're watching, give them a deal. MUCETTE: That's something to take home. So, what's going on? Picking up a few souvenirs to take back home with us. - You'll have plenty of time for that. - Oh, I'm afraid not. We're leaving today, son. Nonsense, you just got here. You'll stay with me a couple of weeks. I'll show you around. Well, but we've got... Don't worry, you'll be back in time for the blight season. - Did you hit him? - I think he hit himself. As long as somebody did. Do you mean this, son? Of course I do, Mama. That's the first time you've called me Mama since we got here. Yeah, well, you see, I got this, uh... This grapefruit-sized tumor in my brain. It's starting to shrink a little, though. - Can I have a hug? - Oh, honey. This is quite a moving moment. Let me have a cigarette and I'll well up with you. Everybody, why don't we go out after work, get some real food. - Real food? - Yeah. I know this 24-hour Creole place over on Lexington. They got chicken feet. - No. - Yeah, I go there quite a lot. MUCETTE: Oh. Ahem. Yes, I eat chicken feet. And I like it. Hey, everybody, I want you to meet my mother and father. - Mom, Dad, the lowlife of New York. - How are you? Pleased to meet you. Listen, Daddy, I'm, uh, sorry. I... - Come on, guys, we got... - Uh, lacrosse practice. - Yeah. - Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's it. - Listen, I'm sorry, I, uh... - I know. I know what you're trying to say, boy. - I'd like to say it anyway, though. - You sure it will be good for your image? No. [CHUCKLES] You always did know the right thing to say to me. Well, sometimes, I was less stupid than others. Do you know, I still remember from when I was 2... ...how you comforted me when Scruffy, my pet turtle, died. Yeah, we always wanted to tell you about that. - Tell me what? - Scruffy didn't die. What? Son, your father and I always avoided lying to you whenever we could... ...but back then, when you were 2, we were flat broke. You had your little heart dead set on getting a pet turtle. But we couldn't afford it. But Scruffy... Was a potato. No. I'm afraid so. I remember Scruffy. It was a turtle. He was a potato. I just painted a shell on him. Daddy, Daddy, I remember playing with him. Well, yeah, but it just laid there, didn't it? You never saw no legs, or neck or nothing on it, did you? He was shy. It wasn't shy. It was a spud. I don't know what to say. Someone's dream has shattered. I loved that potato. Son, I'm sorry. I can't believe this. It was one of the happiest memories of my childhood. That and my little toy drum... With the picture of the Quaker on it. [ENGLISH SDH]