Spaced S1E5 - English Transcript

It's just all she seems to talk about is this bloody dog, you know ? It's like "Ooh, Colin did this" and "Ooh, Colin did that", and I'm sick of it, you know ? I should talk to her, but she's been so happy ever since Colin arrived on the scene. She'd been having a hard time. She'd had some articles rejected, she'd split up with her boyfriend. To top it all off, her hair looked stupid all the time. Then Colin arrives on the scene and she's writing again. She doesn't seem that bothered about Richard and her hair looks good ! Tim, I know how you feel about dogs and I know how you feel about Daisy. Sometimes, where friends are concerned, sacrifices have to be made. You're saying we kill the dog ? - No. - Spoilsport. - Count to 100 ? - All right. I used to know this guy Minty, He had a dog who he'd train to attack rich people, He was into the whole class-war thing, He called the dog Gramsci after an Italian Marxist, Rumour has it, it could smell wealth from up to 20 feet, The thing is, it all backfired, Minty won 100 grand on a scratchcard,,, and Gramsci bit his knees off, That's terrible. Not really. He used the money to buy new knees. So what happened to Gramsci, then ? Well, no-one knows, although some people still believe he roams wild on Hampstead Heath. Close to the meat. Hiya ! - Is that it ? - Well, it's not what it is. It's what it will be - a cold-blooded killer. It's a fact, sure as day follows night, sure as eggs is eggs, sure as every odd-numbered Star Trek movie is ***. - Ahhh ! - Mwah ! - I'm going shopping. Do you want anything ? - A crossbow ? And also, if Richard calls, tell him I'm out with Colin. We'll make him pay, won't we ? We'll make them all pay. - Who's Richard ? - Ex-boyfriend. - Your ex-boyfriend ? - No, Daisy's ex-boyfriend. - My ex-boyfriend. - Oh, I'm sorry. What happened ? Well, you know, I was upset but I'm not any more, you know. In the end, our relationship was just like a sandwich toaster. You know, you forget you've got one. It just sits on top of the cupboard collecting a layer of greasy fudge. If you see it, you assume it's broken, otherwise you'd be using it all the time, but you don't and it just sits there. Then one day, you get an overwhelming desire for toasted sandwiches and you get it down and it works and you can't believe it, you know. You make every kind of sandwich there is, you have toasted-sandwich parties. You make Marmite and cheese and chocolate and - Pilchards. - Banana and - Acorns. - Acorns. Then as quickly as desire comes, it just goes, and then you put the toasted-sandwich maker away - and you know what ? - What ? You don't miss it. So what you're saying is "Don't hide the toasted-sandwich maker away, use him regularly and you'll get the most out of him. " No, she's saying "Chuck your boyfriend, have a sandwich. " Anyway, I've got to go cos I'm meeting Twist. Don't you just love my hair ? How can you not like him ? He's so cute. Ahh ! That's how it all starts, with "Oohs" and "Aahs", but later there's barking and biting. He's a ticking timebomb of death, Daisy. You give him all the love in the world, you spend years doting on his little furry head and one day you get back from aerobics and there he is, panting over the half-eaten remains of some hapless handyman you left fixing the tumble dryer. We don't have a tumble dryer. You will, my friend, you will. Look, Tim, I know that I've been insensitive, OK, and I do appreciate that you are riddled with deep-seated psychological disorders. Thank you. But Colin lives here now and I'd like it if we could all live happily, you know ? - Your mum remarried, didn't she ? - What's that got to do with anything ? Well, you know what it feels like to be to be a stepchild, to be resented by a patriarch. My stepdad was a nice guy ! Timmy boy ! All right, I'll give it a try. Thanks, Tim. - So, what are you doing tonight ? - Brian's coming up. To see you ? I went to a gallery with him last week, so he's coming up to see the Star Wars Trilogy. It's like a cultural exchange thing. Do you mind if we sit in ? We could be like independent observers. No, not at all. I'll get some popcorn. And a muzzle. Ooh ! Sorry, mate. You idiot. Why don't you watch where you're going ? Takes the fun out of it. I just know this street well. I've never seen an evil, suspicious-Iooking man here before. What makes you think I'm evil and suspicious-Iooking ? All right ! I was just being friendly. It's so moving. Little Ewoks. An entire empire brought to its knees by small furry creatures. - That's my point exactly. - Leave him alone. Did you notice that everything that transpired in those films, and I mean everything, can be attributed to the actions of one very minor character ? Who ? The gunner on the Star Destroyer at the beginning of the first film. How come ? Well, if the gunner had shot the pod that C-3PO and R2 were in, they wouldn't have got to Tatooine, they wouldn't have met Luke, Luke wouldn't have met Ben, they wouldn't have met Han and Chewie, they wouldn't have rescued Princess Leia - none of it would have happened. Chaos theory. - Eh ? - The predictability of random events, the notion that reality as we know it - past, present, future - is in fact a mathematically predictable preordained system. So somewhere out there in the vastness of the unknown is an equation for predicting the future ? An equation so complex as to utterly defy any possibility of comprehension by even the most brilliant human mind, but an equation nonetheless. - Oh, my God. - What ? What ? I've got some *** Jaffa Cakes in my coat pocket. Oh, Mama ! Oh, Daddy, let's all play kabaddi. - You get 'em, Daise. - I made the tea. I opened the window. Brian, it's your turn to do something. - Colin needs to go out for a walk. - I opened the window. Yeah, I made the tea and Brian's getting the Jaffa Cakes. *** ! It'll give you a chance to get to know each other. All right, all right, I'll do it, if it'll make you happy. Come on, then, Cujo, or whatever your bloody name is. Stay away from me, mind. Go on. What's the matter with you ? Just do your thing. Just do it. Do it. Just go, will you ? Oh, right. Well, hurry up. Come on, you ***. I know you're up there. Come and get me. Take me to your homeworld. Come on, abduct me ! *** ! Colin's been abducted ! - What do you mean, he's been abducted ? - Yeah, by a crocodile or something. - A crocodile ? ! - Or something. - You let him go, didn't you ? - Wha ? ! - Daisy, I'm sure Tim - No, Brian ! He's had it in for him from the start. Now, Daisy, I admit I wasn't keen on the idea of getting a dog, but I would never stoop so low as to do something like that. - I think you know me well enough. - Do I ? Daisy ! I obviously don't know you as well as I thought ! Ow. Do you want a Jaffa Cake ? No. I can't believe she'd think that. She's upset and not thinking straight. People say things they don't mean in those situations, she's just lashing out at someone close to her. Thanks, mate. It's all right. So what did you do with it, then ? Colin ! Colin ! - Colin ! - Colin ! Colin ! Colin ! Colin ! Colin ! Colin ! Col Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else. Colin ! - Colin ! - Colin ! - Colin ! - Colin ! Come on, you little Colin. - Any luck ? - No. This came. "To whom it may concern, I'm writing to inform you of the whereabouts of your dog. " "Colin has been taken by a man named James Eldridge, a freelance vivisectionist. " "I cannot return your dog personally, but the lab site is located 11-13 Kettle Road, N1. " "Colin is being kept in Terrapin 5. " "The lab has a skeleton security staff of one. " "I hope this information is of use to you. Yours in search of justice, . . a friend. " This came with it. Call Twist, get Brian, I'll get Mike. - What are you gonna do ? - We're gonna get our dog back. I'd like to thank you all for coming. Daisy and me, we We really appreciate it. We all know this is gonna be tough. - Do you want a Bourbon ? - Ooh, thanks very much. One of our number is in trouble and we have to help. Thanks to the information obtained by Mike, - Hello. - . . we've got a rough idea of the lab's layout. The main gate is here, the guard hut is here, and Terrapin 5, where we believe Colin is being held, is here. We'll go over the fence here. It's two metres high, so we'll have to do some climbing. - It's impossible. - It's not impossible. I used to climb over my neighbour's fence when I was a kid. It was about two metres. - Mike and Brian will handle the guard. - Why Mike and Brian ? Because you're tallest and Mike's good at handling people. Brian's not bad at handling people, are you, Brian ? Once inside, Daisy, Twist and myself will locate Terrapin 5. When we find it, Daisy and Twist will stand guard and I'll go in for Colin. - Why are you going in ? - Because I'm the one that lost him. I want you all wearing black tonight. - All black ? - All black. I don't know much about security lighting, but I'm guessing they'll use 180-degree dispersing halogens with motion sensors, so we'll have to stick to the shadows. Any questions ? - Are charcoal-grey pumps OK ? - Yes, they'll be fine. If we get separated, we'll meet at the Beech Tree Inn on Stone Street. Brian, put your hand down. Mike, I'll see you here at 2200 hours, everybody else, I'll see you here at ten. That's very - That's very good, Mike. - Ta. Well done, Daisy. - You've done really well, Twist. - It's from the DKNY open-warfare range. - Well, great. Well done. What's this ? - It's my make-up bag. We're rescuing a dog from an animal-testing laboratory - there'll be lots of make-up there. - Oh, it's for luck. - Twist Tim ! Let her take it. OK. When we get there, it's important while we're doing this we don't use our real names. From now on, we'll be using code names, OK ? Mike, you're Luke. Brian, you're Chewie. Daisy, you're Leia. Twist, you're Jabba. - I'm Han. - Can't I be Han ? No ! - Sound off. Luke ? - Ho. - Chewie ? - Erm, me. - Leia ? - Yes, Tim Han. - Jabba ? - Is Jabba the princess ? Yeah. - Here ! OK. Let's go get Colin. Brian ? Come back in one piece. Yep. You know what piece I mean. OK, this is it, people. None of us have ever done anything like this before, apart from Mike who, as we all know, once stole a tank and tried to invade Paris. - Hello. - We're through the looking glass here, OK ? We've been given a responsibility and if we don't do this, nobody else will. Good luck, and I'll see you at the Beech. Go ! Go ! Go ! - Oo-ooh ! - What are you doing ? The gate's open. Erm, excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me ! Let's play. OK, this is it. Stand guard. If it gets pear-shaped, just go. Han ! - Good luck. - You too, Princess. Thanks ! You must get terrible headaches looking at the screens all day long. Oh, it's all right, really. I find if I keep a little bottle of eye drops handy, it's not too bad, really. You should get one of those eye masks with the cooling gel in. I find them very soothing. Oh, that sounds nice, yeah. Colin ? Colin ! Colin ! What if they set the dogs on us ? Don't worry, Twist. We trap 'em. Ahh-ah, ahh-ah, ahh-ah ! - Shh ! - Sorry. Colin ? Colin ! I'm risking a lot being here, you know. You're only doing it cos you fancy Chewie. - Brian ? ! - Yeah. - Uh-uh. - Uh-huh. - Uh-uh ! - Nn ! - Uh-uh ! - Eh-eh-eh ! Colin ! Ahh ! You stay back, OK, I'm coming in. Italian make, 9mm parabellum, Kill zone. Feel that. That, my friend, will mash up through the engine block of a Fiat Uno, no problem. - How's it feel ? - It's so cold. You're always wiggling your *** when he's around. - I do not ! - You do, I've seen you. Yes, well, what about you and "Han" ? Tim ? ! What about me and Tim ? - Run ! - Colin ! Come on ! Er, 14 across, three letters - "To walk at speed, manage or oversee. " - Run ! - Bye. No, wait ! - We're stuck ! - Do something with it. No, you're all right, Officer. Must have been a fox or something set off the motion sensors. No, everything's fine. You stay where you are. There you go. There's, erm, a bit of a knack to it. It was you who sent the letter, wasn't it ? - Yeah. - Why ? Well, Eldridge left one of the Portakabins open last week. I couldn't believe it, all those little animals in cages. I'd never have taken the job if I knew what he was up to, but I knew he'd clean away any evidence if I went through the official channels, and when Colin arrived, I saw my chance. See, I I've always been a bit of a yes man, you see. Have you ? Yeah. So I thought it was time I just stood up and said no. Aren't you worried about getting in trouble with the police, being involved in a break-in ? It won't look very good on your permanent record, will it ? There's not much I can do about that, is there ? Wait a minute, everyone. I've got an idea. What ? Voil� ! Blimey. There you go - it wasn't your fault, we beat you up. Hey, I suppose I'd better call the police, then, eh ? - You lot had better get off. - Right. Colin says thanks. "Thanks !" - "Bye !" -Bye. Daisy, look at this. "Scientist James Eldridge, wanted by police for his involvement in an illegal laboratory, is missing today. " "Eldridge, whose nefarious dealings may have earnt him in excess of �250,000, was last seen on Tuesday near Hampstead Heath. " Hampstead Heath, Hampstead Heath, Close to the meat, Hampstead Heath, He roams wild on Hampstead Heath, Hampstead Heath, Hello ? Is anyone there ? I can assure you, this isn't the least bit amusing. (Coldcut: More Beats and Pieces) Honey, I got rhythm