Tip: Highlight text to annotate itX
The mens' room,
the lavatory,
the loo.
A sanctuary of relief,
the twenty first century restroom is the culmination of the centuries of knowledge and experience
of countless men.
Men who have sought a safe haven for:
"seeing a man about a horse",
or "dropping the kids off at the pool".
The sanctity and renowned efficiency of the loo have been preserved over the millennia by a
heretofore unspoken social contract.
An agreement on the types of behavior which are appropriate,
versus the types of behavior which are not.
With the cross-pollination of global cultures resulting from modern technologies such as the
internet,
it has become clear that this is esteemed social contract is not universally embraced.
in the interest of decreasing situations of laboratorial discomfort
and furthering the cause of peace and harmony in the world,
Zrathustra Studios presents:
Male Restroom Etiquette.
For as long as they have existed,
men's restrooms have prided themselves on being far superior to women's facilities due
to their faster transaction processing time.
The functioning of a restroom is directly dependent on the efficiency of the men
using it.
Waste no time. This is vital.
Walk in, do your business, wash your hands, walk out.
Never make eye contact.
This could be seen as a proposition and could result in a severe beating or unwanted ***
encounter.
Resist at all costs the temptation to lecture gaze wander to any part of the body of a
fellow occupant, whether their nether regions are of genuine interest to you or not.
When you enter the restroom,
always select the urinal that is as far away as possible from men who are using
other urinals.
Here are some illustrations of various urinal situations
and the proper course of action for each.
Situation number one:
all urinals are empty.
Correct action:
take the urinal on either edge.
This allows others to most effectively comply with the rules that are to follow.
Situation number two:
one urinal is taken.
Correct action:
the urinal on the right is the optimum choice here.
this minimizes the chance of any contact whatsoever
with the other man in the bathroom.
Situation number three:
two urinals are taken.
Correct action:
the middle urinal,
which is equidistant from the other two occupants.
Situation number four:
three urinals are taken.
Correct action:
no urinal is acceptable.
The loo has now reached critical mass. Leave and come back later or use a stall.
Under no circumstances should two adjacent urinals be in use at the same time
In most cases urinal flushing is optional.
Over time the water will become a rich orange.
At this point
flushing is widely considered to be mandatory.
As for commodes
the rule is, without qualification:
always flush when you are finished.
When you come upon an un-flushed the commode, leave it alone and use another.
In general
any noise in a public restroom which does not emanate from the plumbing
is considered extremely undesirable.
While grunting is highly inappropriate
some allowance is made for the occasional cough
or clearing of the throat.
Though astute adherence to male restroom etiquette
avoid even these seemingly harmless utterances due to their ability to be interpreted as
purposeful communication.
Speech
is your enemy.
Never
ever
under any circumstance, say a single word
while within a bathroom.
Not to a friend,
not to a lover,
not to Jesus Himself.
Violation of this precept grates against all good things and the way of nature,
corrodes the efficiency of the bathroom,
and places the very fabric of our civilization
in peril.
Take this example.
Ralph walks into the bathroom and unzips himself.
While he is relieving himself his best friend Charles walks in.
They strike up a conversation about Linux
and before long lose all track of time.
So, there they are. Standing at the urinals discussing the advantages of open source development.
Sammy walks in
and desperately needs to "drain the lizard". But he finds himself understandably unnerved
by the two sociopaths in front of the urinals
who are wantonly violating the sanctity of the loo and laughing it up.
Sammy does the honorable thing. He silently moves toward the stall furthest away from
the impromptu chat-room,
only to discover that someone has missed the toilet with their "monster loaf"
and now Sammy is standing
knee-deep in "butt putting".
Sammy does the only thing he can do,
he vomits all over the place while at the same time losing control of his bladder
and unleashing a torrent of kidney juice in his pants.
Ralph and Charlie instinctively whirl around to see what all the fuss is about.
It turns out that are prattling peers have not finished their own business thus hosing
down each other, the floor and even the soap dispenser
with this morning's "mountain dew".
Outraged, they make their way over to confront the noise-maker, who they feel is responsible
for their mess. And then they see the fullness of Sammy's sad situation.
And they do what comes naturally to any men in this gruesome scenario:
Ralph and Chuck begin to "ralph and chuck".
In 1954 Brooklyn born psychologist Abraham Maslow published his "Motivation
and Personality", in which he outlined the now-famous heirarchy of needs.
This heirarchy is often depicted as a pyramid with the most basic of human needs on the
bottom
and the more advanced,
intellectual needs at the top.
The basic premise is that human beings, in general,
feel compelled to first see that their basic physical needs are met
before their minds are free to dwell on
higher worries.
Ralph and Chuck for example, were, for the most part, preoccupied with issues of achievement
and respect,
While Sammy had been engaged in the pursuit of a spouse
in hopes of building a family.
In this precise moment, however, all three of these gentlemen find themselves in a crisis
of the hierarchy
wherein a lower-order need they had all moved beyond, namely hygiene, has suddenly
come up very, very wanting and it is now the pursuit of basic physiological homeostasis
that drives these three unfortunate mammals.
Sammy, Ralph and Chuck all simultaneously make a mad dash for the sinks.
And that's when things really begin to degenerate.
Ralph having managed to kill his two combatants begins to clean himself up.
A security guard has heard the commotion and decides to take a look.
The young man is shy on experience in his field,
but instinctively he knows he's going to need backup.
To make a long story short,
the police are called in,
and a S.W.A.T. sharpshooter brings the situation some violent closure.
A biohazard team is called in to clean things up, the lavatory is closed down, and all
the men are forced to either soil themselves, or go to another building.
Two guys meet and they start a conversation.
Repeat:
this eventually leads to the destruction
of organized society as we know it.
As such,
this rule may bear repeating:
Never, ever,
under any circumstance,
say a single word within a men's room.
Yes restrooms and humankind have come a long way since the days of squatting over a freshly
dug cat-hole in the noonday sun.
All men of the world can find common ground in these simple rules
of evacuation etiquette,
and the world will be one step closer
to peace and harmony,
knowing that one day we will collectively wipe
poor hygiene habits from the face of Planet Earth.
