The Office S2E4 - English Transcript

Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Sure, can I ask who's calling ? Just a second. Jim Halpert What ? How did you get this number ? Stalker. Katy, and Jim, met in the office. And now I guess they're like, going out, or dating, or something. And, uh I don't know ! You know, they're just, she calls him, and they You know, I'm sorry, I feel like I'm talking really loud. Am I talking really loud ? So we're still on for lunch ? You're meeting me here ? Okay. Great. Bye. Hey. You can just give her your extension. Okay. Howard, slash Ryan. Ryan Howard is sitting in my office, and he has been a temp here for a couple of months and he's kind of gotten, a lay of the land, a little bit. Had a few laughs along the way, and now he wants to know, what I think. The temp agency wants to know what you think. Shall we ? Let us proceed First up, proficiency in necessary skills Aaaaaaa-eeeeexcellent ! Michael's in there right now evaluating the temp. He hasn't evaluated me in years. Five years from now, what do you want to do? Where you wanna be ? Ah, well, I'm interested in business. Oh. Good, ambitious. Excellent. - Want to be a manager ? - Uh, no, Actually, ah, what I want is to own my own company. That is ridiculous. Ryan's about to attend the Michael Scott school of business. I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one. Much advice you seek. Do you know who that is ? Fozzie bear ? Mm, no. That was Yoda. There are ten rules in business that you need to learn. Number one. You need to play to win. But, you also, have to win, to play. Got it. And I will give you the rest of the, ten at lunch. Hey. Michael and I have a very special connection. He's like Batman, I'm like Robin. He's like the Lone Ranger, and I'm like Tonto. And it's not like there was the Lone Ranger, and Tonto, and Bonto. People ! Okay, everybody This is not a test ! Move to the exits ! - Devon, head towards the exits. - Do not panic. - Safety partners- - Get up off your desks ! Do not panic. - No, panic is warranted ! This is not at drill ! - Go in a single file line. - Arms at your sides, arms at your sides. - Please, move quickly ! This is a paper company people - Step lively! - Go, let's go. This whole place is a tinder box, it is ready to blow ! This is not a test! Can you leave?! Oh, you say that every time. DO YOU WANT TO DIE !? - Oh, boy - Do you want to die !? - OUT !! - Alright, let's go, let's go. STANLEY ! Have you ever seen a burn victim! ? - Come on, you're safety partners ! - Move to the exits ! You're safety partners! We've got smoke ! We've got smoke! SMOKE ! Oh! Kelly! Are you okay ? Don't worry, I got you ! - I'm okay! - Cover your nose and face. - Breathe through your nose. - Let go of me ! Remove your stockings. Okay? They'll melt right into your flesh ! Stay below the smoke line. Let's go! Clear out, stat ! STAT MEANS NOW ! Yes, I was the first one out, and yes, I've heard women and children first. But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweat shop. Thankfully. And, uh, women are equal, in the workplace, by law. So, I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands. Another rule of business is being able to adapt to different situations. Yeah. Adapt. React. Re-adapt. Act. Alright ? That's rule number two. Okay, guys, listen up, we need a head count. We need to count off. Michael's number one. Where's, where is he? So what was rule number two? Ah, adapt, react, re-adapt, act. Okay, well, let's just kind of take it a little slower. Oh, hey, Michael. Ryan needs a number for the count off. Okay, well, one is taken. Okay, two ? - NO ! - Ok. Oh, sorry ? Okay, he can have 14, Margerie isn't here today. Well, he needs a permanent number, right ? No, I don't. Oh, you know what else, I thought of a nickname for the three of us. The Three Musketeers. Um, yeah, okay. Oh, no, no, no, no. I got one. I got one. The Three Stooges. That's funny too. But if we're the Three Musketeers I don't want to be like, a guy here. You know ? Like, Stanley is the crossword puzzle guy. And Angela has cats. I don't wanna have a thing, here. You know, I don't want to be, the something guy. Okay, you know what? I think I'm going to be, setting the agenda here. Okay? Can everybody gather up please? Important announcement, very important announcement. I think this is a perfect opportunity for all of us to participate in some really intense, psychologically revealing conversations. So we're going to be playing, desert island. Who would you do ? And, um - would you rather ? - Would you rather. Would you rather? Is our third game. Hey guys, great response time. Listen up, I got some theories, there's a Okay, so, three books on a desert islandAngela. The Bible. That's one book, you got two others. A Purpose Driven Life. Nice. - Third book. - No. Okay. Phyllis. Um, The DaVinci Code. The DaVinci Code. I would take The DaVinci Code, so I could burn The DaVinci Code. Okay great, that is going to keep you warm for like 7 seconds. Question, is there fire wood on the island ? I guess. Then I would bring an axe, no books. Uh, it has to be a book Dwight. Fine. Physician's Desk Reference. Nice, smart. Hallowed out, inside, waterproof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket, and, in case I get bored, Harry Potter and Sorcerer's Stone. No, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Question, did my shoes come off in the plane crash ? Rule number four. In business, image is everything, Andre Augessi. This car is an investment. Right ? If I have to take out a client, or I'm seen around Scranton in it. I love it, I love this car. Do you like it ? Yeah. Okay, I thought people read more books. DVDs! Five movies. What would you bring to the island? Yes, Meredith. Legends of the Fall, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Legally Blond, Bridges of Madison County Wow. Legends of the Fall. Wow. Bridges of Madison County, Legally Blond, these movies are just- - Well, I kind of like Legally - Wait, wait, wait. Pam, no. Do you understand ? The, the game is desert island movies, not guilty pleasure movies. Desert island movies are the movies you are going to watch, for the rest of your life. Forever ! Unforgivable. - I take it back. - Unforgivable. - I take it back ! - Good. And Ghost. But, just that one scene Is this your car Ryan ? Wow, those are some pretty big books back there, huh ? - Good shocks. - Hello, Mr. Egghead Sooh, Stanley Kaplan, I know him. 'M' is for ***, 'P' is for - That's actually a test prep book. - For phone. What ? That's a test prep, for business school? Oh, thinking about business school ? I just got in. I applied, I go at night. - Really ? - Yeah. So you think you know a lot about business ? No, not yet. - Just started. - Uh huh. Yeah. Quiz me. - I wouldn't even know where to start. - Oh, come on. Come on, egghead. Let's do it. - Do it. - Quiz me up. Alright, um, why have people been rethinking the Microsoft model in the past few years ? When I was Ryan's age, I worked in a fast food restaurant, to save up money for school. And I, then I, lost it in a pyramid scheme, but I learned more about business, right then and there, than business school would ever teach me, or Ryan would ever teach me. Is it cheaper to sign a new customer ? Or to keep an existing customer ? - Keep an existing cus- - Shut, it. Can I, can I just do it please ? Ah, it's equal. It is ten times more expensive to sign a new customer. Okay, yes, it was a trick question. He, but, look, okay, he didn't need business school. Okay, Michael, he, comes from the school of hard knocks. - Self taught. - You didn't even go to college - You know what, you don't need to help me here. Okay ? Well, you know, maybe you should go to business school like Ryan, then, then you'd know what you were talking about. Come on. - I studying with the master, huh ? - Why don't you go to business Why don't you learn from him, right ? Stop it. Dwight. You know what, you're acting like a dork. Would you cool it ? Please. Hey, hey ! He's not your five year old brother, Dwight. He's a valued member of this company, and you know what, he's knows more about business than you ever will. Stupid. I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school ? Labron James, Tracey McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They right from high school to the NBA. So so it's not the same thing, at all. Look at this stuff. Market fragments, what is that suppose to be ? It's a way of looking at consumers as subsets of a larger client base. You are so smart. You are so eff-ing smart. You should be teaching me. Pam, get us back into it. - Five movies, go ahead. - Okay, um, Fargo, um, Edward Scissorhands, Dazed and Confused Oh, definitely in my top five. Yes, in my top three, so suck it. Breakfast Club. Um, - The Princess Bride and- - Okay that's five. No, my all time favorite ! - Pam, play by the rules. Play by the rules. - All, time, favorite. Dwight. All time favorite movie. The Crow. I became a sales man. Because of people, I love making friends. But then I was promoted to manager, very young age. I still try to be a friend first, but, you know ? I'm very successful, your coworkers look at you differently what do you think ? Maybe we should get some air. Nah, I'm okay. I'm really uncomfortable. Alright, let's move on. Let's move on to the main event, who would you do ? - Present company excluded ? - Um, not neccessaril Pam. Okay. Ah, you know what ? Maybe I'll, I'll finish explaining the rules, let's, let me explain it first, and then Yeah, so we'll get right, you know what? I'll be right back. Stanley, you're taking over for me buddy. I'll be right back Okay, um Dwight. Dwight. Come on buddy, use words. Why didn't I go to business school ? - Who goes to business school ? - The temp. Yeah, it's all him and Michael talk about anymore. You know, I bet Ryan thinks to himself, I wish I were a volunteer sheriff on the weekends - He doesn't even know that I do that. - You should tell him. Oh yeah Pam, right. That's going to help things, just talk it out. I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted. - Dwight - What ? I'm sorry I said that, I didn't Just part of me meant it. Besides, he'd end up being a hero anyway. You know what you should do ? You should quit. And then, that would stick it to both of them. Jim, I'm not going to quit. - Then Ryan wins. - Yeah, you're right. Thanks you guy I just need some alone time. Okay. Alright buddy. - Hey you guys, what's going on ? - Nothing - Hey. - What's up ? Can I hang out with you guys for a bit ? The warehouse guys are a bunch of jackasses sometimes. Come on, people, you know the rules of the game now hey, gang, what game are we playing here ? It's called, who would you do ? I play this at home all the time, while I'm falling asleep. What, ah, where are we ? Where are we here ? Roy ? Roy ? Who would you do Roy ? I got it, uh, what's the name of that uh, tight ***, Christian, chick the blond ? My name is Angela. Hey, Angela, Roy. Nice to meet you. Aaaalright, who's next, who's next, who's next, who's next ? Jim ? You're next. Who would you do ? Kevin, hands down. Yeah He's really got that teddy bear thing going on, and afterwards, we could just watch bowling. Well, I would definitely have sex with Ryan. Cause he is going to own his own business. You're all gay. Who's, ah, who's next ? Who we got ? Who Hey, no, I can talk, I can talk, I can talk That is great timing Wish I had my cell phone, but I left it inside. So - Would that make you happy ? - What that ? If you had your cell phone, it would make you happy ? - Yeah. - I'm on it. Dwight. Hey ! - You can't go back in yet ! - Dwight don't ! He is an idiot. The man is an idiot ladies and gentlemen. What if he dies in the fire ? And that's the last thing you ever said to him. I didn't say it to him. I said it about him. - Jim - Definitely Jim. Definitely, definitely, Jim. Come on, Pam. Come on, Pam. Oscar's kind of cute. Yeah, I like Oscar. Ooh, Toby. How long does it take to find a cell phone ? I don't know, is there anybody else. Hey, where are you ? Oh good. Yeah, we're just here, we're playing desert island. It's when you pick your five favorite DVDs Seriously, where the hell is Dwight ? Hey, Call my cell phone, It'll make it easier for him to find. What's your number ? I gave it to you in the car. I saw you program it in. You got to - You got to give it to me again. - Okay, alright. Now I have it. I better tell somebody. Excuse me sir Dwight !? Great God man. Why did you, why did you go in there ? What did you, everybody was scared out of their wits okay ? Everyone, okay, I have an announcement. Apparently, in business school, they don't teach you how to operate a toaster oven. Because some smart, sexy, left his cheese pita on oven instead of timing it for the toaster thing. Wow. Okay. Well, I guess they don't, how to operate a toaster oven in business school. That's exactly what I said. Hey, did you miss that day there Ryan ? - Were you absent ? - Toaster oven 101 ? - You failed? - I am so sorry. Hey, I know what'll impress everybody, I'll start a fire. Oh, man. Bad idea. Bad idea genes. I have a song, attention everyone, that I want sing. That I wrote specially for this occasion when I was up there among the flames. Ready ? RYAN STARTED THE FI-AH! IT WAS ALWAYS BURNING SINCE THE WORLD WAS TURNING ! RYAN STARTED THE FI-AH! IT WAS ALWAYS BURNING - SINCE THE WORLD WAS TURNING. - Everybody ! I can't believe, I started, the fire. RYAN STARTED THE FIRE! MARILYN MONROE! RYAN STARTED THE FIRE! Now eat it, you have to eat it. - Hey ! - Hey. How are you ? - I'm great, good to see you. - It's good to see you too. I'm hungry. Yeah, I am too. I have been thinking the whole way over. And I have my answers. What answers ? For the, the desert island Oh! Right! Right, right, right, right, come on Ladies and gentlemen, gather around, we have one more participant, Come on, be polite. Be polite. Desert island, five movies, go. Okay First, legally Blond. I forgot what a super, nice, girl Katy is And just, good for Jim. They are so cute together. And, what an adorable car. Okay. I think the game's over, people are like leaving there was a bigger crowd last time. Do you just want to go to lunch ? - Okay. - Yeah ? Alright, you want to drive ? They are so cute. I'm really sorry Dwight. - Answer me this though. - What ? Was it worth it ? - Was it worth it temp ? - No. - Was it worth it ? - Really ? I'm really sorry Dwight. The fire guy ! The fire guy ! Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, Television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, RYAN STARTED THE FIRE! Okay, rule five, safety first. I. e, don't burn the building down. Okay ? That should be a no brainer. Oh, look ! Ryan, is book smart. And I am street smart. And book smart. I'll give you the rest of the ten, tomorrow.