A Close Shave

ROY: You're $59,000 in the hole. (GRUNTS) Victor needs his money, Kee. Tomorrow morning. BEN: Kee. Kee, get up. You got to find someplace else to crash, Kee. This is not working. Let's not forget one basic fact. That I'm a ***? Yes, that's it. Bingo. Maddy. He's not a patient. He's my ex-husband. Where is my car? You have no idea how difficult you've made my life recently. Expect reciprocity. (KNOCKING AT THE DOOR) MARY: Jedidiah, who's here? Mary! Mary, Mary! Mary, come with me! Take your hands off me! (ALL GRUNTING) (RAZOR SLICES) (CHILDREN CHATTING) MAX: Good morning, Uncle Kee. GIRL: Hey, Kee. Hey. You're moving out soon, right? It's a little loud, guys. (BEEPING) Hey, this took me three weeks to learn how to operate this. You guys change the settings on this? You want lungo or cortado? I just want coffee. I want some brown coffee. Whoa! Oh! Whoa! Hey, hey, easy with that. I'm not doin' anything. You know how much it costs to repair this thing? ADAM: Kee doesn't know how to make coffee. You want lungo or cortado? KEEGAN: Yes, either. MAX: Dad. No, no, no. Not in here. That goes in the backyard. (SPEAKING SPANISH) (SPEAKING SPANISH) Scarlet! Look at all this work you're making for yourself, buddy. I love you, but this is absurd. Ah, it's a sweet idea, and Scarlet wants it. Oh, come on. Just say it's absurd. Say it's absurd, and then I can maintain some level of respect for you. What's absurd? Nothing. Recommitment ceremony. It serves one of two purposes. Here we go. Either your marriage is in shambles, in which case, you're trying to hide it from the whole world, or you're gloriously happy, and you want to rub everybody's noses in it. Kee, don't project your relationship issues onto us. "Behold our covenant of love." (CHILD LAUGHS) You're cranky about the recommitment ceremony because it has the word "commit" in it, and you're afraid of that word. The word "commit" is usually followed by a crime. I don't know who got you that tower of flowers, but don't expect a gift from me. Oh, we don't need a present. We have each other. Look. (ALL GROANING) See there? And be fair, honey. Kee doesn't have a problem with commitment. Thank you, brother. He's got a problem staying committed. (SCARLET LAUGHS) You could be in a relationship with the perfect woman, you'd still figure out a way to blow it up. Boy, is that not true. Kee, come on. Your last five relationships have been like watching the bomb squad highlight reel. (MACHINE BEEPS) Coffee? Oh, thanks. Have a nice morning. I'm leaving. You're moving out? No, I'm just leaving. Could you move out? KEEGAN: Goodbye. No? LEANNE: Ah! You. You are naughty. I got to go, he just walked in. Yeah. Stop. Bye. Better not be a client. It's my boyfriend. Beaver? Bevan. Hey, these are great offices. Whose are they, and how long we got 'em? Marty Lynch, and two days, or five to ten years, depending on whether she's guilty of tax fraud. It doesn't pull out. So you and Kevin are really... Bevan. We've been together for two years. Doesn't seem possible. Why? 'Cause you can't sustain a relationship longer than a fortnight? What did you say? Which part? Have you been talking to Ben and Scarlet? No. So everybody thinks I can't be in a relationship? No, I'm sure there's a monk up a mountain in Tibet who hasn't heard the memo. In other news, your new clients posted bail. How much? $50,000 each. Which means they have money. Which means I'll have money. Which means I'll have money. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Wait, these guys have money? What are they, trust fund hipsters? No, they're not hipsters. They're Amish. What are they charged with? Attempted ***. Ah, yes, the Amish crime of choice. That, along with over-whipping the ox. They're way overcharged. It'll never stick. They attacked an old man with a razor? Who's the A.D.A. on this? Ed Chambers. Oh, my God. That name-dropping tool. I bet you $10 right now he name drops within two minutes of seeing him. Hey, after court, I need a ride out to Silver Lake. I'm not driving you, but check your phone. I downloaded you an app. It's called "Joyrider." You put in your address, and a real person comes to pick you up and takes you where you want to go. I'm not getting into some strange person's car. They're gonna want to talk to me. There'll be germs and foggy windows. First two rides are free. You really think I'm that desperate? I do. Hey, hey, Howie. Morning, Mr. Deane. You watch the Lakers game? You bet I did. I told you it was gonna be close. Took 'em at the buzzer. You hear about those three kids in Silver Lake that attacked that old guy? Yeah. What is wrong with people? I'll let you know. I'm meeting them later. Sorry. You've been randomly selected for a full body search. We've had a couple breaches in security recently, so we're trying to crack down. Yeah, I can feel that. I guess maybe you shouldn't *** off the Mayor, huh? Yes, Mr. Potter? Uh, Your Honor, the government asks, yet again, that the defendant comply with our subpoena or be held in contempt. The IRS has been more than patient. I agree, Mr. Potter. Your Honor, may I once again object to this witch hunt? You may not. This is what happens to decent Americans when a massive and petty bureaucracy is allowed to stifle their spirit. No, it isn't. Mr. Deane, do you have anything further to add before I hold you in contempt? I have three signed affidavits here, supporting my claim that the financial records were in fact water damaged due to my recently moving offices... Daily occurrence. That were signed by the president of the moving company, as well as two supporting witnesses. Mr. Deane, these affidavits don't appear to be written in English. Bulgarian. Yeah, those haven't been translated yet. They just came to my office. I'm having the said translation facilitated, so until that's done, I'm asking for a brief continuance. (LAUGHS) Movers and rain-damaged files. You are unbelievable. Harry, nothing'd make me happier than to have those files. They'd exonerate me in an instant. Yeah, right. You know what, enough with this "Harry" crap, all right? It's starting to get around. It's 'cause it's a great name. 'Cause "David Potter's" boring. I mean, "Harry Potter" stands out. You know what, you're lucky I don't have my wand with me right now, because I know where I'd like to shove it. Where inside me would you like to shove your wand, Harry? Wow. Got yourself a real enterprise here, Jedidiah. Smells good. We live next door in the main house. We work here in the bakery, and all the profits go towards buying more land in Lancaster. Oh, back in Pennsylvania. No. Lancaster here. It's up north near Palmdale. Oh. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh. Excuse me. Excuse me, Jedidiah. One of the local markets looking for their delivery. Oh, so you have cell phones, too. Sure you're Amish? You're thinking of the old order, Mr. Deane. We're reformed Amish. Oh. We're true to our faith, but we're open to... Excuse me. We're open to the benefits of the modern world. Look around. The Amish have never been so prosperous, closer to His word. Mmm. How does a attempted *** charge put you closer to His word? Oh, my God. That is... That's fantastic. Thank you. How do you do that? We only use untreated organic stone-ground flour and natural sourdough yeast, and we don't rush the dough. It's got a crunch to it, doesn't it? We give it two long, slow rises. Two slow rises. Hmm. All right, so you were trying to kill this guy. (SCOFFS) If I had wanted to kill Bishop Guth, he would be dead by now. I never meant him any physical harm, and what we did was justified within the bounds of our beliefs. Wait, so the victim was... He was a bishop? Abraham Guth is a Bishop of Paradise, our village in Lancaster. Up north? No, back home in Pennsylvania. All right, that's gonna be a little confusing. I never wanted to kill him. I wanted to shave him. (LAUGHS) Oh, I'm lovin' this case. (BUZZING ELECTRICITY) (CROWS CAWING) Sure. So shaving somebody's beard, what is that? Is that, like, a punishment? It won't make sense to an outsider. Bishop Guth came to us with a message. We responded with a message of our own. Yeah, you need to tell me what that message is, Jed. 'Cause I'm gonna be representing you in court, and the judge is probably... It's your court, your judge, not ours. We may be reform, but we still follow our core beliefs. We don't fight in your wars, we don't worship in your churches, and we do not involve ourselves in your courts. Trust me, you're involved. Solomon, Mordecai, thank you very much. If I'm gonna be condemned by English laws, then it's Gottes Wille. Who? Gottes Wille. It's God's will. And you and your English courts have no authority over that, Mr. Deane. I'm having a hard time believing all this, Jedidiah. I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful. No, no. It's just, I can't believe an Amish guy's got a car, and I don't. How you doin'? Okay. (ENGINE STARTING) JEDIDIAH: Good day. Hey. Mm. (SIGHS) Hey, there. Are you my Joyrider? Yes. You look really familiar. Have we ever, um... No, no, no, I'm... I'm new to the Joyrider experience. I have done a little TV, though. Mm? Maybe you've seen me, uh, On the Record. Oh, with Greta Van Susteren? Yeah. So you're a lawyer? Yeah. Yeah, that's perfect. I have this nagging question. I just finished that eminent domain piece in the Columbia Law Review, and I'm really confused. What determines fair market value? Fair market value is determined by a legal authority that sets an absolute value on a product or a service. Actually, I'm sorry, isn't that imposed value? It probably is. How do you know that? I like to read. (BOTH CHUCKLE) And I also like to impress handsome men that get into my car. (CHUCKLES) Are you hungry? (SIREN WHOOPS) Mmm. This is incredible. They use a high-protein flour and a special yeast, and they give the dough two slow rises. That's the key. It's the rises. Hey, this was really fun. How do we do this again? Oh, check your phone. The app automatically sends you my contact info when the ride's done. You give me a high rating, I become one of your preferred drivers. Well, I'm definitely gonna do that... Brooke. Brooke. Brooke Alexander. Keegan Deane. All right, I'm gonna see you very soon. I hope so. You promise me one thing? Yeah? You'll bring the bread. We'll see. (POLICE RADIO CHATTER) I hope the judge gets here soon. I have a lunch. Oh. Who you having lunch with? Linda Nussman, just a friend. Actually, second cousin. She's Charles Barkley's accountant. (LAUGHS) (BEEP) 48.2 seconds. What are you talkin' about? It's a personal best for you. Plus, you won me 10 bucks. All right, boys, keep it brief, please. I don't want to be late for my therapy appointment. You've got five minutes. You don't even have to sit down. KEEGAN: My clients have no priors. This is a simple skirmish between some Amish guys. Minor skirmish involving a razor. They weren't trying to hurt your client, Ed. No, they just surrounded him, pushed him to the ground, and shaved him. KEEGAN: Oh, well, in that case, my goodness, forget about attempted ***. You should go for "forced grooming in the third degree." This is a simple assault. Nothing else. Why'd they shave the beard? It's an Amish thing. They just... It's the way they settle their disputes. There's no case here, Janet. I'm telling you, this is a little "manscaping" gone bad, that's it. ED: Your Honor, in the Amish culture, a man's beard can be seen as a symbol of his faith and devotion to God. Don't do this, Ed. Since this attack targeted my client's facial hair, and therefore his religious beliefs... Ed. ...this is no longer a simple attempted *** charge. Ed, stop this. This is now a hate crime. A hate crime? Would you straighten him out on this? He's trying to set you up. (LAUGHS) Thank you for worrying about my reputation. Look, Keegan, worry about your clients. I've looked at the case. There's precedent here. I think that's a stretch. No, the attack was clearly motivated by the victim's specific religious beliefs. Your clients are looking at an additional 15 years in prison if convicted. Anything else? Enjoy therapy. Be a lot more meaningful if we had a drink first, you know? Look, I don't like this any more than you do, Kee, and it's only gonna get worse. At least light a few candles, Howie. You might want to figure out a way to get on the Mayor's good side again real soon. Huh? Mm-hmm. Mr. Guth, you mentioned earlier that you went... Bishop Guth. Of course. You mentioned earlier that you went to my client's house to discuss an urgent matter. Ja, that is right, but instead of speaking to me reasonably, he and his henchmen attacked me. (SCOFFS) Would've thought that had been sharper. The urgent matter, what was it? I came to collect Mary Stultzfoos, to bring her back to Paradise. Paradise? That is our home, back in Pennsylvania. Oh, because... Mary's actually a member of Mr. Plank's reformed sect here in Los Angeles. I recognize no such sect. Mary's family feared that Jedidiah and his boys were holding her against her will, and they were. And when I made to leave with her, these animals tried to rip my throat out. That's what they tried to do? Ja, ja. These...these three guys over here? Ja. Stand up. KEEGAN: Go ahead. These three young, healthy, fit men against...you. Ja. No disrespect, but that's... (LAUGHS) If what you say is true, that they were trying to rip your throat out, how is it all they managed was to give you a lousy shave? Sir, I had to visit a hospital. I had to have stitches. How many? The number is not important. Your Honor? Answer the question, please. How many? Two. Two? No further questions. SPORTS RADIO ANNOUNCER: Shot goes wide past the net. Pass off to... Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Go. Go! Go. Yes! Yes! Winner! Chicago takes it! That's right. Winner. Hey! Somebody likes hockey, huh? (LAUGHS) Oh, no, actually, I just... I like betting on it. Oh, you...you gamble? Listen, okay? It is only called gambling if you lose. (LAUGHS) No, I'm...I'm just... I'm good at stats and mathematical probability, and my old boyfriend sets the odds line at a major casino in Vegas. So you only gamble on sports? Yeah, that's it. And the horses. If you can get over to Santa Anita tomorrow afternoon, PrettyLittlePenny in the third, 10-to-1 on the morning line, guaranteed winner. I'm...I'm not getting fooled again. What? Ben and Scarlet, right? Who? What? Did they put you up to this? What? This is a setup. No. I'm deleting your app. I'm getting out. No, wait. (STUTTERS AND LAUGHS) What are you talking about? I'm not new to this game, Brooke. Come on, this is... (LAUGHS) What? Perfect women don't just drop into your lap every day? You are far from perfect. You're sitting in a car, straddling a man you just met, okay? That's a little crazy. Mm. I like a little crazy. Mmm. Mm-mmm. Mmm. Mm, the only thing you have to know about me is that I'm into older men, you lucky boy. It's a trap. No, it's not! It... It is not a trap. I'm about to make a huge mistake. My friends, Ben and Scarlet, they're having a recommitment ceremony on Saturday. It's absurd, but it's a party. Please tell me you're not available. I'll be there. Is this a setup? No, it's not. (LAUGHS) (DICE RATTLE) Oh, I win. Three in a row. Kee, pay attention. You're off your game. Well, I'm just lulling you into a false sense of security. Like a cobra, hiding in the weeds, ready to strike. Yeah, well... You are a snake. I know that. ♪ Anything to make it all right (GRUNTS) ♪ I can't help myself ♪ What is it? Whose perfume is that? I... I don't smell... Keegan. What? I don't. I was driving around with some woman today. Oh, and? And? This feels very strange, Mikki, 'cause I pay to be here. (SCOFFS) Which should very clearly define our relationship, but when you're jealous, it makes it very unclear. No. No, no, no. I'm not jealous. Yeah, you are. Huh? All right. Careful. Ah! (UNZIPPING) Ah! God! What are you doing? Take it easy. Okay, okay. Ah. Does it bother you when you leave here, because I have another client showing up? No. Oh, come on. Bothers me a little bit. Yeah. Why? I... (LAUGHS) I just... I don't know. I'd like to think we have something a little different. (MUSIC CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND) (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. What? What, I'm opening up to you. You are such a sap. No, I'm being honest, and if you were honest, you'd admit that it bothers you that I smell like another woman. No, Keegan, what you do outside of this room is your concern. I just don't need my other clients thinking that's my perfume. It's cheap. Go take a shower. If I take a shower, we're not gonna have time for anything else. Hmm. Funny how that works. ♪ Is this the good life? ♪ Mr. Plank, how long have you lived in Los Angeles? Two years this winter. So why travel thousands of miles from home? Why not just settle in Paradise? Settle where? There's an acre plot left to me and my ten siblings. That isn't enough land to build a shed, let alone farm. So Paradise isn't exactly paradise, huh? Why do you think Bishop Guth was so anxious to get Mary home? Think her parents were that concerned about her? Not at all. They talk to her once a week by telephone. And they miss her, but they can hear her voice and tell how happy she is. So the real reason this man wanted to take this woman away from you... It's just that. She's a woman. Before she arrived, our sect members were all men. And now, with a woman as a part of our community, there's a possibly for children, and children mean future. And that's the last thing Bishop Guth would want for your sect. Yes. Do you love her? Very much. Hey. Carlotta have the baby? ROY: No. It's months away. Two seconds, guys. I can't believe you're gonna be a daddy. Yeah. I just hope you're around to see it, my brother. Thing is, you owe us $63,000. Victor needs to see some cash. I know. You got to trust me, Roy, the money's coming, okay? Yeah, I hear you. Look here, Kee, I love you, man, but you are puttin' me in an awkward position with Victor. Next time I see you, I'm gonna have to give you a painful reminder about paying up. Okay, take it easy. I understand, all right? Nothin' personal. Just is what it is. I'll be lookin' for you. No, Roy. Roy. Kee. (GASPS) Are you okay? I'm fine. Are you serving bread at your recommitment ceremony? Bread? I think the caterers are bringing rolls. No. No, no. No catered rolls. I'm bringing the bread. It's my gift to you and Ben on your special, but ultimately meaningless day. Knock yourself out. Listen, I need to talk to you about something. Your restraining order against Margaret has lapsed. But if you want to extend it, I can handle it for you. Extend it? No, no, no, no. It's fine. It's okay. It's okay. She hasn't called you or shown up? I remember you were pretty spooked. I don't remember being spooked. I was pretty spooked. The dead birds wrapped in fabric. I don't need a restraining order. Didn't she try to burn all your shirts? Oh, my god, that picture, with all that blood. Okay, fine. You win, okay? If you want to keep it going for another few months, fine. I... I guess it doesn't cost anything. I'll file the extension. Today? Yeah. Does that go effective immediately? Immediately. What does this mean, "hate crime"? We're not hateful people. Oh, the hate crime's just an escalation of the attempted *** charge. Once I make that charge go away, and I will, then the "hate" element will be gone. Where are you here? Oh, yeah, right here. Um... Actually, maybe you can pull up a little further. Are you going to get out? Huh? Are you going to get out? I might need a favor from you boys. (VAN DOOR OPENING) (FUNKY MUSIC) What's up, Roy? It can wait. Cool. Talk soon. KEEGAN: You're not helping, Mary. You're awfully quiet. Jed and the boys didn't give me much either. Mary, I need your help. What about Guth? What about Bishop Guth? I don't think I can help you, Mr. Deane. It's not my place to discuss an elder of the community. Well, you understand that Jed's in some very, very serious trouble here, right, Mary? He's gonna go away for a long, long time. You okay with that? You smell nice. It's like a nice little Amish fragrance you got there. You ever take that handkerchief out of your head? Jedidiah. You know, you ever do one of those? Get the blonde hair flowin'? I'm assuming it's natural. Jedidiah. I just don't understand the frumpy dress, covering up all your backside goodies, huh? You could be a model if you wanted. Your parents must be beavers, 'cause damn. Jedidiah, please. Oh, I'm sorry. Am I being inappropriate, Mary? I apologize. I'm just trying to help you. You're about to become single in Los Angeles, California. There's gonna be a long line of hungry, inappropriate guys down in that bake shop of yours. They're gonna be looking for more than warm rolls. They're gonna want to get a little bit of that special Amish you got. And Jed is not gonna be there to help you. He'll be gone. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Do you need me? No. No, I'm sorry. Okay. (DOOR OPENS) (DOOR CLOSES) I can tell you about Bishop Guth. KEEGAN: Bishop Guth, correct me if I'm wrong, but as an elder in the church, you're pretty knowledgeable about all things Amish. Yes. So if I was thinking about becoming Amish myself... Objection. Mr. Deane has about as much chance of becoming Amish as I have of becoming Halle Berry, whom I met at a gallery opening earlier this year. He's unbelievable. Your Honor, is my interest in becoming Amish will be relevant to the case at hand. Short leash, Mr. Deane. Understood. Okay, so obviously, I'd had to make some lifestyle changes. I'd change the wardrobe, pick up one of these fabulous hats. I've been reading up. It says that "an Amish person is not allowed to have a full-length mirror "in their home." Is that true? This is true. A mirror that size will only lead to vanity. Amen to that. And I'd be expected to grow a beard. Although, mustaches, that's... That's frowned upon, right? Yeah, the roots of our faith are German, and in that culture, mustaches are associated with military officers. Hmm. And beard-cutting is recognized as a form of punishment among the Amish. Recognized by whom? By whom? By you. Each district has its own Ordnung. An Ordnung being a set of rules, right? It varies from district to district. So you've never heard of this beard-cutting business, huh? Yeah, I have heard of that. Let me ask you, as an Amish person, isn't it prohibited to file a lawsuit? Sir? This is not allowed, but the savagery of this attack demanded that a lesson be taught... But this attack was not an attempted ***. That's the charge that you wanted, because if Mr. Plank and his friends are found guilty, then they're gonna go to prison for a long, long time. There will be no more reform sect, and what a message for you to send back to the youth of Paradise, who were even thinking about moving west. Two birds with one stone, right? Now? Yeah. So beard-cutting as a punishment has been recognized according to these documents as far back as 1709, but I'm thinking you already knew that, because you've not only had this done to you, sir, you've done it yourself. (DOOR OPENING) I'm over here. Recognize him? That's Isaac Graber. Sir, do you recognize him? This gentleman here was found to have rubber tires on his tractor four years ago, and his punishment was to have his beard cut. Do you want to tell these people who cut his beard, Bishop? Or should I? On the count of attempted ***, we find the defendants not guilty, Your Honor. And how do you find as to count two, assault? We find the defendants guilty, Your Honor. JANET: As this is a misdemeanor conviction, I'm gonna deliver my sentence from the bench. The defendants are hereby sentenced to six months in county jail. Your Honor, that is the maximum sentence. Given the facts... Counselor, you convinced the jury. You didn't convince me. Let's let your clients be an example of those who use violence to settle religious disputes. (GAVEL ***) (CROWD MURMURS) Jed. Jacob Hilty and his brothers are on their way. I'll see to it they look after Mary until you are released. BAILIFF: Mr. Plank. Peace be with you. Peace be with you, Bishop. Another Amish tradition, Mr. Deane. Forgiveness. Since 1709. (SPANISH JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) Let me see if I can find the big groom of the hour. Here he is. Benny. BEN: Hey. How are you? Wow, look at you. Scarlet picked it out. This is her, Brooke Alexander. Ben Leon. Thank you for having me. Nice meeting you, Brooke. I've heard way too much about you the last couple of days. If we make it through a week, recommitment time. Big party. Don't worry. You're invited. (LAUGHS) Okay, she's a keeper. Don't screw it up. Hey, did the bride arrive? The bride's here. Thank you. KEEGAN: Frances, you look lovely. Why, thank you, Keegan. This is my date. This is Brooke Alexander. This is Ben's mother, Frances. Pleasure. Likewise. Benjamin, your father needs to speak to you, he's outside. Excuse me. Yeah. Anyone care for a drink? Oh, thank you, no. I'll have a bourbon. Okay. What a lovely girl. How much is she by the hour? I love her dark hair. Reminds me of Snow White. You remember her, don't you, Frances? That's the little girl you tried to kill with the poison apple. Keegan, one favor. If you feel the need to *** her at some point, try not to do it on the buffet table. I wouldn't want you knocking over the ice sculpture. Oh, I never mix sex with ice, unlike your husband. Your turn. Great decorating job, huh? Scarlet spent a lot of time on the details. You wanted to see me about something, Dad? Did you finish going through those submissions for Pemberton? Not yet, there were about 300, but I'm almost done. I thought you didn't need 'em until Wednesday. It doesn't matter. I'll get someone else to do it. Steve. You must be the fabulous Brooke. Scarlet Leon. Oh, you look gorgeous. Oh, well, it's official, I love her. (LAUGHS) So good news for you, Kee. Mayor's office called. He won't be joining us. Mmm. Major disappointment. I'd cancel the party, send everybody home. Yeah, well, Gloria's here representing him, so... His wife? She's here? Where? Yeah. She's that striking woman right over there in the black lace dress. One sec. Wait. Kee, what are you gonna do? Calm down. I just want to talk to her, get her to call her husband off. I'll be right back. Oh, no problem. Take your time. Excuse me. Excuse me. Is there any chance you could get your husband off my ***? Excuse me? I'm sorry. Excuse me, is there any chance you could get... Keegan Deane. My husband thinks you're the antichrist incarnate, which is probably why you've come over to butter me up, in the hopes that I'll be charmed enough to help thaw relations between you two. Sadly enough, I won't. So don't. I hope that wasn't too direct. No. No, now I understand why your husband's always so pissed off. (CHUCKLES) Enjoy the party. (SPANISH JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) Hey. Hello. (SMOOCH) You look great. Thank you, sir. Yeah. Hey, listen, I want you to meet my date. She's really something. She's smart, pretty, gambles. If her father owns a liquor store, she could be your dream girl. Hope it lasts. Excuse me. What do you mean by that? Nothing. I'm glad you're happy. Yeah, but what... What do you mean? Every time you meet someone new, it's all sunshine and roses, everything's perfect, but the first misstep, the first wrong note, and you panic. And then the relationship's damaged goods. And rather than actually work on it, you flee and run off to find the next perfect thing. And that's only ever gonna change... Hey. Oh, Bruce. This is my ex, Keegan Deane. Oh, wow. Kee, this is my friend, Bruce Mangan. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Bruce owns that great raw juice place near Finn's school. Yeah, the master presser. You should check it out, dude. Yeah, juices, huh? Um, well, I got to run. (CHUCKLES) Well, he seems like a nice guy. You told me he was kind of a lunatic. Give it time. (MELLOW JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) Two slow rises? That's right. Oh, it sounds delicious. (WHISPERING) Kee. Kee. Uh... Hey, you look great. Hey. Come on, walk with me. Huh? Walk with me. Where are we goin'? This about the bread? No. The bread is fine. Just stop with the bread. Okay. I'm not doing this. What? The ceremony, the whole thing. God, Kee, you were right about everything you said. It's meaningless, and it's showy, and it's absurd. I don't think I said "absurd." Yeah, you did, and I'm calling it off. You can't cancel it. Scarlet, there's 150 of the most well-connected, self-serving, hypocritical pricks in the city there. I'm not going through with it. Does Ben know? (WHISPERS) Of course, not. Okay, we'll go back in, we'll tell everybody to go home. Yeah? Yeah, come on. Okay, let's do it. Of course, there's Frances in there. (SCOFFS) I can't wait to see her reaction. She's gonna love this. You know how she loves chaos. Yeah. Kids. Like Max, he's running around with his tuxedo, so proud of you guys. It's a little heartbreaking, but he'll be all right. Look, you'll talk to Ben. I'll go tell everybody we're calling it a day, okay? I'll get the mic. You'll be fine. Kee. I'm a car wreck. Car wreck in a nice dress. (CRYING) It's a great dress. Scarlet, come on. I remember all this. You've done this before, okay? The day you guys got married. You're forgetting. "I can't marry him. I don't know him. "I'm going to ruin his life." Kee, I freaked out back then, because maybe I thought that Ben wasn't the one, or maybe I thought that there was somebody more right out there for me, or maybe... I don't know, maybe I thought that you and I would get back together and try again. That was a weekend. It was four days. Scarlet, you and I wouldn't be walking you up a driveway. I'd be walking you off a bridge. (LAUGHS) Is it possible that after 15 years and three kids and a pretty wonderful life... I'm the one who's afraid of commitment? Come on. (KIDS LAUGHING) (WISTFUL MUSIC) (SCREAMS) Help! Somebody! Please, call an ambulance! A man has collapsed. Please, hurry! (CROWD MURMURING) (AMBULANCE RADIO CHATTER) I pulled the car around. I'll go with Scarlet, all right? Thanks, Kee. All right. You okay? I'm fine. I'll see you over there. Okay. Ugh, that poor man. I feel awful. Never had anyone die on me before. No, no, no, no. He's not dead. He's not dead. He'll be all right. (SIGHS) What do you mean, "on you"? He was so forceful. He took me in the bedroom, and the next thing I knew, we were having sex. Who? Arthur. What? Okay, Kee, the kids are with the neighbors, let's go. Okay, we got to... Art... Be right there. What? Arthur and you, what? I'm really sorry. You had sex with my best friend's father here? Are you crazy? You knew I was crazy. You said you liked it. No, I said I liked a little crazy. That man was just taken away on a gurney. There's nothing little about that. Well, I said I liked older men. Oh, right. Of course! All of the telltale signs were there for me, Brooke. I should've seen it coming, right? You're out of your mind, okay? I never should've brought you here. You know why? Because I'm not a guest anymore. SCARLET: Kee! I'm an accessory. I'm coming. Good-bye. I got to go. I got to go, but I'm just gonna say this. These people, they all think I can't maintain a relationship. They think I'm the problem! They don't know what I'm working with! SCARLET: Kee! Coming. I don't even care. Honestly, it's okay. It's okay. But your app's deleted. What's the latest? He's stable. It was a stroke, and the next few days are critical, in terms of seeing how he comes out of it. Thanks. (SIGHS) It's weird. He was found in Max's bedroom. What was he doing in there? I don't know. How should I know? He never showed any interest in the kids. I can't stop thinking it means something that he was found in that room. Obviously, a powerful force pulled him in there. Like an urge. An urge, yeah. (WOMAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA) I'm sorry, Ben. It's not like it's your fault. Hey, Scarlet and I, we really like Brooke. Oh. Yeah, it's not gonna work out. You kidding? What happened? Um, stuff. (CHUCKLES) You did it again, brother. Yeah, you know me. Listen, Ben, it's been great living with you, me, Scarlet, being under one roof, but you got a lot on your plate right now with your father. I think I'm gonna move out, get my own place. Okay. I mean, unless you need help. No. Watch the kids? No. Maybe just one... No. Got it. So how soon can you move out?