Valentine's Day

NICK: It's classic Nick Miller. I'm holding your hand, and what? WINSTON: Yeah, I want to go out tonight. Ugh, couples! Boo. Hiss. Every time you have sex with the same person, Jess, you die just a little bit. It's like a copy of a copy. But lucky us-- we get to go out looking for some strange. Holla! Look, Jess, truth is, I don't go out on Valentine's Day. There's no thrill. You know, all these bars filled with emotionally vulnerable women. I'm like a Dominican teenager playing Little League. It's just not fair for everybody else. It's my first single Valentine's Day in six years, and I... I need to go out, okay? We need to go out. 'Cause I'm feeling pretty twirly. Twirly. I got the dirty twirls, Schmidtty. Watch out, 'cause you're about to get laid... world! ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪ JESS: So, we're doing this-- full-on Valentine's. What'd you do last year? I was fighting with Caroline. What were you fighting about? Oh, you know, the usual-- about how I make too much money and I dress too fancy and I'm too good at communicating my feelings. Well, this year we're gonna make up for it. You and me are gonna do a real Valentine's Day date. I know. God, what's the plan? Well, first of all, you're gonna need a map of Arizona. I can get that. And a container that you're comfortable getting urine in. You do? No. Bad idea. You can't go on a first date on Valentine's Day, Winston. Dude, I'm telling you, it's not a first date, man. We used to hook up all the time. You know, for two years in my phone as "Shretty," 'cause I was too drunk to type "Shelby." She just wanted a relaxed night in. It sounds kind of romantic. Dude, we're just other out, that's all. You know where that puts you in six months? Yeah, watching It's Complicated on DVD while you cradle your newborn baby to sleep. And guess what? It's not complicated. It's about a bunch of rich white people who are remodeling their kitchen. Are you sure you're really ready for that? Dude, it's gonna be great. What are you doing? I'm packing an overnight bag in case I have one-night sex. I've got a T-shirt, socks... Is this a sewing kit? Yes, a sewing kit. Stain remover. ♪ Hello? ♪ You don't have one-night stands-- you get way too attached. I mean, you could have an emotional connection with a shoe on the side of the road. Oh, one shoe? I hate that. Is this Schmidt's idea. It's my idea. I want to try a one-night stand. Tonight... is all about what Little Jess wants. Little Jess. Okay, all right. I am gonna text Kyle and tell him to meet us at the bar, because I'm not leaving you alone like this... with all of that. (spritzes) (spritzes) I'm sorry, I don't know who's smelling what tonight. Excuse me, you know where Julia Cleary's office is? Uh, does she need to sign for something? Little late for a package, isn't it? Let me guess, your bike broke down. Fixed-gear, single-speed. I've been rocking a three-speed. No, I'm not a bike messenger. Okay. She can get pretty cranky when she gets interrupted, but I'll tell you what, I would still hit that. I mean, despite the age difference, I would just take that to Pound Town. You know what I mean? Just take her a visit to the boneyard. You know what I'm saying. Hey, Nick. That's my boyfriend, Nick. Hi. That's my little intern, Cliff. What...? JESS: Could you get him a water? Thank you. Hey, Cliff. Thanks, Cliff. Sorry it's such a mess in here. But... I went full out with the cheesy Valentine's Day stuff. Are you ready for it? Ha-ha! Heart boxers! These are the best! I'm putting them on right now over my pants. I don't want to stop you, because I... am gonna be rockin' this action. You were born to wear that thing. Okay. I have a little bit more work to do-- just, like, an hour. (knocking on door) Ooh, you brought wine. Good. We're almost out. It's not the food! Come on in. Pick out a polish. He looks like a player. Ah. Never mind. I thought we said no guys. I am not touching his feet. That's amazing. Where's what's his name? We are actually gonna meet up later, because... he's got a little surprise for me. Spoiler: it's his ***. Okay, stop. Enough. Pay attention. Yeah. Oh, no. What? I mean, how often do you meet Oregonians? MAN: I don't know. Oh, could you hold on one second? Okay. Oh, my God, he's from Oregon; I'm from Oregon. No, you can't do this. I'm sorry. You bonded emotionally. If you end up having sex with him, it's gonna be missionary with a lot of eye contact. You got to listen to him. He's right on this one. Sorry. SCHMIDT: I know what I'm talking about. I have my 10,000 hours. Outliers. You should read it. Malcolm Gladwell. It's one of my desert island books. Along with Machiavelli's The Prince, Freak by John Leguizamo, any of the scripts from the first season of Vampire Diaries, I love Phantom Tollbooth. Of course you do-- you're a human being. So no connection? Sorry, babe. No. Good girl. ♪ ♪ Hey. Could I have your cherry? Cool. Sorry. (low moan) (gags) (loud cough) (coughing, gagging) (gagging) You okay, lady? Hmm. Schwing! Hey, guys. Um... this is Oliver. Um, Oliver Web creator. Web creator. Uh, also, we both Lunch. Love lunch. Wow, what a coincidence. When people talk about breakfast being the most important meal of the day, What... is that?! What about lunch, man? You want another drink? (imitates Mae West): If I didn't know ya better, I'd think you're tryin' to liquor me up! Why are you talking like that? (chuckles): Oh, Oliver... we have nothing in common. (Jess laughs) Yes! I have no emotional connection to him at all. But I'm just gonna eat lunch off that butt. CECE: So, what about you? What about that redhead over there? I thought you totally had that. Oh, that's in process. This is where I do this kind of, like, look thing, where, like, my confusion makes her confused... and, then, also kind of hot. Let me help you. I'm gonna make her jealous. All right, can you... can you stop? Cece, you are way too beautiful. She'll think she doesn't have a shot with me. Can you stop looking at me like that, please? What look? I'm not even looking at you. The pouty one, the naughty baby Indian. (Indian accent): I just ate something spicy, and now my lip is swollen. Mm-hmm. Baby! Hi! Hey! All right, just get in there, man. Clean it all out. Like a dentist. Hey! Wow! Look, look. Surprise! 'Shrooms. I ate three. I ate three. Three. On a pizza! Look at you, man. You're a champion. Okay, um, we're gonna go, 'cause he's about to get real handsy and a little racist. So, you'll watch Jess? Yeah, yeah, I will. Okay. Let's go, Kyle. Schmidtty, Schmidtty, Schmidtty. Hey, um, so, I'm gonna go home with Oliver. Great! I'm so happy... Hey, three words: double bag it. I got that covered. Um... These guys... A hundred condoms? ♪ Oh, I'm gonna ♪ That's the biggest box of condoms I've ever seen, honestly. Does it have, like, a roller? Like, you know, you go through the airport with it? I'm gonna rip him a new one. Very intimidating. A normal man can go maybe three times in a night, depending on how much salmon he's had. He's literally the most boring person I've ever met. He's described every lunch he's had this week, and three of them were tacos. Not really. Little favor. He doesn't have a car, I don't have a car, 'cause I came with you, so I... No, no, no, no. No. No. One of the tacos had extra cheese, and the other one had avocados. And cheese. And cheese, actually. (chuckles) JULIA: Well, I guess it's time to take that Chinese head out of that Chinese ***, Ming. (quietly): That's so sweet. Hey, I pushed Okay, I just need 40 to 50 more minutes, okay? No, no, no. Hey, Confucius say: "You work for me." (phone rings) What, Winston? Hey, man, look, I'm sorry to call you-- I know you're at dinner. No, I'm not, Winston. I'm actually hanging out with a guy named Cliff. Are we hanging out? That's awesome. Listen here, man, I'm at Shelby's house. and there's two other girls here. They're drinking cranberry juice, talking about Michelle Obama's upper-body workout. I got a nose strip on my face, man. So leave. I really enjoy being around this girl. All right, so stay. You know what, I'm gonna stay. I'm gonna... Can I ask you something? With her, the... is it... is it gentle, or is it... not so gentle? You know what I mean? Fair enough. JULIA: Yeah, Ming, I got your text. What-what part of that did you not understand? Do you want some champagne, Cliff? (car alarm blaring) (quiet music playing on TV) (man on TV gasping quietly) MAN (on TV): What is that? Is he injured? MAN 2: No, I think... Pause. Pause. Why are you pausing? Bathroom break. It's right in the middle of the movie. What are... What's wrong with him? Why are you still here? You don't have a car, he doesn't have a car; how you gonna get home? I'm gonna take a cab, Schmidt. It's a horrible neighborhood, okay? There are youths everywhere. Youths? Are you Officer Krupke? Would you st... Damn it. It's Cece. Hello? Why are you crashing Jess's one-night stand? Well, he asked me if I wanted to watch Planet of the Apes. Ugh. Hate you. Tell him to leave. Get out of there, Schmidt. Leave your car there, and I'll come get you, okay? What is going on over there? Where are you; where's Kyle? I'm at a playground. Kyle's shrooming. Woo-woo. I'll see you guys later. I love brown people! That's racist, Kyle. Excuse me. Back to the movie. Ready? Yeah. SCHMIDT: These monkeys look so real. Apes. They're apes. Oh... you're one of those. Like there's a real difference? All right. (dog barking in distance) (sighs) Youths! You know what, Cliff? I'm sorry, I'm just feeling very romantic, and I have nowhere else to put it, so happy Valentine's Day, good looking. What? Put it right here. 'Cause I-I like it. So how did you get that far into law school and then drop out? Well, I got my heart broken. And then everything got weird. Sure. Yeah. There was a really weird week where I wore a long blonde wig and I made everybody call me Sandy Ferguson. I have never loved anyone that much. Then I drove to Mexico, and I tried to enter a cockfight. As a person? Yes, Cliff, as a person. Come on! Get me out of here! Help! Help! I've had a tough couple of days, Freddie. The point of the story is I looked around at my life and I realized that I didn't want to work for somebody else my whole life. That is exactly how I feel, man. Yeah, but the second half of that story is how I went broke and started working for somebody else my whole life. Okay, what was that? I don't want to be a lawyer. I don't want to do this. Don't do this. Not tonight. Oh, Cliff. Look what I found under a pile of depositions. I'm quitting! What? Nick convinced me that I can't waste my life doing your stapling anymore. I never said anything like that, Julia. Not doing it anymore. I'm not working all night on Valentine's Day. I'm just gonna get in my car, and I'm just gonna drive until I see the sun. 'Cause it's got to be shining somewhere. And for once in my life, With you birds? No, Cliff! We're gonna start paying you so soon! Julia, I am so sorry. I just told him a story about when I got arrested in Mexico. I wasn't gonna tell you until after you got knocked up and were stuck with me. I know. I'm sorry. Just go home, Nick. I'll call you tomorrow. APE (on TV): No! (door opens, closes) What? Are you kidding me? Hey, baby. Uh, this is my ex, Amy. We broke up last week. She can't afford to move out What? Hey, so how was your night? Are you serious right now, Oliver? Um, hey. I'm Jess. (door opens) Hey. Who is she? What are you doing here, Cece? Sorry, I just came to get Schmidt. Schmidt left, like, an hour ago. No, no, I didn't. Are you kidding me? My tires were stolen by street youths. Ugh! KYLE: Hey, did I pee my pants? Friends, did I pee in my pants? No, Kyle, you're just on drugs. He definitely peed, I can see. See! See! Who's the idiot now? Okay, all of you, get out of here. We got to get out of... oh. Mmm. This guy's like a magician. How does it feel, Oliver? Okay, uh, Kyle, I'm the one you're gonna sleep with tonight, so we got to... What are you gonna do now? (Cece laughs) (grunting and yelling) Okay, okay. Okay. Get out of my house! (women yelling) Bye! (Cece yelling) Hey, Kyle. Hey. It's a stick. Go get it. Ooh, shiny! Whoo. What does a girl got to do to get a one-night stand around here? Sorry. This sangria is amazing, Winston. My grandmother's recipe, so I can't take credit for that. But seriously, Tia, you don't want a man who has fancier underpants than you. It's true. You want to have the fanciest drawers in the relationship. Boom. Hmm. (dramatic music playing on TV) (crunching) (crunching) Hey, are you gonna be done soon? Maybe. (crunching) She can't keep eating tacos all night. Yeah. Because I ate most of the tacos yesterday. You know what? I can't do this. You're a really great guy, and, um, I-I I mean, I don't know that, um, but honestly, I was just gonna use you as a giant meat puppet. I finished the tacos. It's just so hard, you know? I feel so alone sometimes. And I lied to you. I'm not a Web creator. I'm not a player. (crying) Oh, she's in... she's just in the kitchen. Baby! Can you make me a smoothie? You know, just making copies. Did you do all of this? No. Really? And I just want you to know that there's a photocopy of my butt somewhere in your recycling bin. Okay. I had a weird moment, Julia, and I went for it. Okay, and if anyone finds it, I want them to know that I moved during the copy, and I don't actually have two butt cracks. I know. What? I've never ever cared about Valentine's Day before. Neither have I. But it's nice. Right? You did all the work wrong, though. Yeah, I know I did. That's okay. (phone ringing) (ringing continues) I'm sorry. No, no, no, do what you got to do. Hi, Ming. Yeah, I got your text. And yeah, it was wrong just like every single other text you've sent me tonight. (whispering) Call I call you tomorrow? I'm sorry. Are you really... Are you arguing with me about that? Are you actually arguing with me about that? Bye, girl, thank you. Bye. Bye, Shel. That was fun. Any time. So, you weren't expecting a girls' night, were you? (laughing) Not really. You know, Tia needed some tough love. You keep doing it. What? Making up for how you used to be. You don't remember? Valentine's Day, 2008? You said you'd call. You didn't. Um... I waited all night. Okay, I don't deserve a second chance with you, do I? But here you are. Getting one. Hey. Well, I helped him get back together with his ex-girlfriend. He made me video-chat with his mom in Hawaii for a couple minutes, and then, um, I came home, so... Jess, you don't your first one-night stand to be with some total stranger. You got to pick someone who you know, who's not gonna make a big deal out of the whole thing. You have an urge, you act on it. And... (sighs) whatever you do, leave immediately afterwards. God help you if you get sucked into a brunch. Come here. You smell good. It's probably the oil of the ylang-ylang tree. (laughs) Don't over think it. Okay. (door closes) Don't over think it. Don't over... Don't over think it. (quietly): Schmidt? Hey, Jess, what are you doing? (laughs nervously) I was asking Schmidt a question. What? Were you...? ...with Schmidt? No! No. I was holding those, but I... Oh, my God. No. No. Shh! Don't ever... Shh! Don't ever speak of this again. You need one. Tops, two. Let's go. We'll get these later. No! You're not having sex with Schmidt. NICK (muffled): This is a danger zone for you. What is happening out there? Stop, do not move, okay? Because if somebody catches us, I'm gonna say that you drugged me, and it's my word against yours. Okay, yeah. That-that's fine, that makes sense. You smell so good right now. You are not gonna believe the stupid thing I almost did last night. CECE: Tell me. Okay, but have to promise never to tell anyone, ever. Of course, out with it. Tell me. Okay, I almost tried to hook up with Schmidt last night. That would have been crazy. I know! Can you imagine? Ugh. I cannot. I got to go, okay? Bye.