How I Seize It #76 - Competitive eating

Hey! Here in all my Size-Negative-Two-Hot-As-Fuckness is your idol, Loretta Jenkins. And tonight's How I Seize It we doin' cause the other night I was flippin' through the flipper, and somewhere in the 2000s... I seen where on ESPN, they was sponsorin' folks to just eat and eat and eat. Ewww! We need to get that Jew mayor from Big Apple to come down here and put a stop to all this out of control crazyhood. Lemme learn you *** what is and what is not a sport, alright? For somethin' to classify as a sport it ought to have a prerequisite in there there there needs to be some kind of form of physical activity in the form of blood and sweaty tears. I mean it's got to be sporty for fucksakes if it's going to be a sport alright- What? (burps) Eatin' *** food! Eww! End of days, y'all. I live for the day when one of these speed eaters is just gnawin' down on all get out and then they brake they jaw or they choke on they chicken. (laughs) Yeah, that'd be ***' funny. But seriously though, I could get into some competitive ***'! Any you manwhores out there wanna come try to get in my gold medal ***? (laughs) (coughs) Naw, not choke they chicken! Choke ON a chicken bone. *** Margie, where your head at? I hope one of those contenders has hisself a live coronary right there on TV, so all the folks can see that this is not a healty lifestyle. Food is ***, y'all. That is the God's honest gospel. Now you take it from me. And that's the truth! Hey! I google it. They's these monks that they don't never eat or drink. They just breathe out their ***! Did y'all know you could do that? Google it! Golf ain't no sport. And neither is bowling. Now you can tell by my guns here that I'm an avid bowler, but that don't mean I'm stoop enough to think that these things ain't sports. They games! If the fat and the lame and the old people can participate, then it ain't no sport! So why are these things on the ESPNssssisssss... ESPNissssesss... How you pronounce at that? Hell I'm gonna have to go look that up on the dictionary laters. And here's some other non-sports: Synchronized swimmin- 'Cept if it's in the gay olympics. And ice dancing, and ice pole dancing, ice polar ice cap fishin', stickin' your tongue in the ice freezin' it, ice skatin', shootin' polar bears, and skippin' rocks, and jumpin' rope, and playin' hopscotch, and rock, paper, scissors, and that ice thing where you roll a loaf of cheese across the ice and down the hill. Go all Ironman-style! It's like- WOOOOOO! And he pop it in that hole with that broom! GOAL!!! That ain't no sports! I think they ought to put that Supermarket Sweeps back on the Olympics channel. Hey if y'all ever channel surfin' and you run across one of these eatin' contests, look at them fatties' eyes. They all into it. They LOVE it! They like all creamin' in they jeans just cause they eatin'. It's grosser than a ***! They all gettin' off on it. I call that *** FOODSTERBATIN'! Crammin' it in they crawl! ***' theyself to death with food! I think overeatin' might be worser than cancer. Tisk, tisk, tisk. Pffft! Shameful... And them competitors? When they get in that zone? They look like they under the spell of the Devil! Engorging yourself on all that food? That there- That's what God was talkin' about when he say he don't like Gluttony and nastiness. And then he end up bein' all fat and lazy on your couch- Movin' around like a Sloth! There's another deadly sin! And it for money usually- There's another one! Greedy! It wouldn't surprise me if God classify watchin' this fast food contest as Devil worshippin'! Finally I agree with Pru on somethin'. Y'all steer clear of this ESPN4 channel. It is a sinful gateway to the hellmouth, and that's all I'm gonna say about it. 'Cept I was gettin' to wonderin' how come all them Japanesians and Koreamericans... How come they always win these competitions, huh? Wouldn't they have tiny dwarf stomachs since they so little? I don't know... Maybe they find a way to cheat, like they do in them Olympics or when they Spellin' Beein'. Or when they makin' little kids toys out of illegal products so they can build theyself back up to a world superpower like they used to be instead of bein' the butt of everybody's little dicky *** jokes! I tell you what! These eatin' contests? I ain't never ever seen nothin' as gross as this ***, y'all. Except for fatty ***... Like when the dude, he think he's ***' a hole, you know but he really just ***-jabbin' on a fold of fat? That's the funniest *** I seen in my life... Man that *** is hystilarious, Now I ain't kiddin' y'all. It's just the grossest ***. Me and my local DB's, we get together every night for some Competitive Drankin'! And then we watch fatty *** and take bets on who can hold they puke in the longest. (laughs) You just got to see this ***. Somebody need to put THAT *** on TV. Whew! Well that's How I Seize It! Suuuuueeeeeeeeeeee!