Blott on the Landscape S1E2 - English Transcript

An ex-High Court judge seriously injured, market stalls set on fire and damage estimated at one quarter of a million pounds. That was the toll when the inquiry into the proposed 399 motorway turned from legal wrangling into bitter violence in the marketplace of Worford. (SIREN) - Billiards at the club? - I'd better say no, Minister. My wife. Nonsense, Densher. Wives are for weekends. - Goodnight, sir. - Oh, goodnight. Wives for weekends, mothers for Christmas, *** for foreign conferences. That is my view. But for ordinary everyday existence, there's nothing like the celibate peace of a fellow's club. Who was that, the bike chap? Oh, Dundridge, Minister. He's in "Leisure Activities". He's rather odd. Bit of an innovator. Oh, is he? I wonder how Leakham's getting on with that Worford motorway inquiry. All right, I expect. Fine legal mind, Leakham. Yes. Sharp as a needle. This is the bone of contention, a famous beauty spot, Cleene Gorge. General Burnett, you're a defender of the gorge. Would you say local feeling is running high? Oh, yes, there's a lot of steam locally, you know. An Englishman's house is his castle, you know! We wish to stay green our motherland soil. Just so. Leading the protest are Sir Giles and Lady Maud Lynchwood, whose historic mansion is threatened. - My family have lived here - Lady Maud! My grandmother was seduced by King Edward VII. Now I am to be evicted from my family home, thrown God knows where into what penury and servitude. I ask the nation what true English person in all conscience can stand idly by? Your turn, old man. You ought to look at this, sir. It's the Worford motorway inquiry. Not in the middle of a game, Densher. (ANGRY CROWD ON TV) (SHOUTING) I say, isn't that Lady Maud Lynchwood? Isn't that a *** hanging out there? Can't somebody help me? She's lost a couple of teeth. - Look at this! Who's that chap? - He's out of hand. - Where's Leakham? Why doesn't he stop it? - Here he is, sir. Inquiry chairman Lord Leakham took the full brunt of the crowd's rage. A mob overturned his Rolls. Government property! As he struggled through the crowd, a stone struck him. HE'S government property! This is damnable! Tonight the picturesque old market town of Worford looks like a battlefield. A well-known landowner and magistrate - Your drinks, sir. - Not now, man. It's a national crisis! Yes, sir. Another. And motorists who waited years for the motorway link are asking, "Must we wait yet again?" Paul McDowell, television news, in riot-mangled Worford. - This is an outrage. What will the press say? - And the PM. - She'll give me Northern Ireland! - Leakham's made a complete mess of it. He always was a total idiot! You recommended him to me. "Fine legal mind." A very well regarded total idiot, Minister. All right, Densher. What do we do now? Well, I suggest that we send a troubleshooter down to Worford, sir. Someone who can mollify local opinion and negotiate with all interested parties. All right, Densher, but someone different this time, someone with flair and initiative. - Who is there? - What? In the Ministry, sir? (CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me, Sir Geoffrey! - What is it now? - Telephone, sir. A lady for you. Tell her I can't possibly talk now. What did she want? She didn't say, sir. It's the Prime Minister. - Oh, God! - Exactly, Minister. Quick, Densher, what's the name of our chap, the troubleshooter? Ah, well, Minister, there's, er there's, er Dundridge! He's different. Just the chap someone mentioned to me today. I want him in my office first thing tomorrow! Oh! Oh! Ohh! Now you have learned that the SS have very fine ways to discover your inmost secrets. Oh! Agh! Agh! Aagh! Oh, I don't know where you get your ideas from. I really don't! Oh, you fair tire me out! Oh, dear! - How about a nice cup of Ovaltine? - Whisky. Oh, naughty boy! I can't stand it. Here, I saw your missus on telly tonight. She's a terror, ain't she? - Indeed she is. - Bit rough putting her in prison! No, I wouldn't say so. No, not really. Just the place. Naughty! There you are, young man. About time! Just a minute! This is a paper plate. I want a proper one. And a decent knife and fork. And tell the Chief Constable I want to see him! His name's Percy. He was at my wedding. I think I've been in here long enough! (PLAYS PIANO) (BLOTT MIMICS DRUMS) Isn't he marvellous? He was on the telly tonight. Did you see him? There he was fighting with the police! He's got all sorts of skills most people don't know about. He's foreign, isn't he? - Yeah. - He's a deep one, our Mr Blott. Hello, Mrs Wynn! I like a beer. One Handyman Very Special because I am very special! You'll have ordinary draught like everyone else. Handyman Special is for very special occasions. I was just saying, you're a deep one. Oh, yes? And what is a deep one? Hidden depths. Hard to understand. Never know what you're up to next. Exactly, I am very simple. Nice person. - I never thought I'd see you hit a bobby. - Oh, well, for Lady Maud. You don't have to go back to the Hall tonight. He's in London, she's in prison. Well, Mrs Wynn. Perhaps not. Flossie can look after the bar. Let's go upstairs now. Flossie! I can hardly believe it, Mr Blott. Me with a TV personality! You are lucky it's not Fozzie the Bear. Yes, Prime Minister. I do recollect that we were elected on a law and order policy. Yeah. Yes, I do agree with the Home Secretary, but I prefer the word "disturbance" to the word "riot". Very well, "riot". Yes, Prime Minister. - Where's Dundridge? - Outside. Here's his file. She's not pleased? She's raging, Densher. Get him in! Mr Dundridge, Minister. You're late. Oh, not late. Delayed, Minister. I'm always delayed. I catch the right train. It arrives at the wrong time. But why? For goodness' sake, sit down! Why? Irregular halts at all the stations through the system leading to back-up, hence the need for my new system of non-interruptive, constant flow subway transportation. What does that mean? As the name implies, the trains do not stop. - Really? - No. You jump on and off them while they move onto slower-moving belts. - This is the man you recommended? - You said "someone different", Minister. But this is the chap who brought in the one-way system for central London! Yes, that was mine, sir. Traffic was locked solid for a week. We had to feed people in their cars till we abolished it. It went down well with the press. You wanted someone like that. That is because I talk to them and explain my theories. - Your theories? - I am essentially an innovator. I see my job as bringing order to chaos. - You've moved around a lot. - Yes, that's most unfortunate. That's why so few of my theories have been implemented. I can't do anything constructive. Yes, we're moving you again to motorways. We're making you our troubleshooter. Troubleshooter? Really? In Worford. Is that wise? Hasn't there just been a nasty riot in Worford? - Disturbance. - Riot. That's why you're going. To make sure there are no more riots in Worford. - I'm told it's a charming place. - Didn't look charming last night on TV. Your letter of appointment giving you full powers to conduct negotiations. All we ask is that you satisfy local opposition, safeguard the environment and get that motorway through without fuss. - I thought Lord Leakham was responsible. - He's a little indisposed. Dying, probably. Only two routes. One through Ottertown, the other through the Cleene Gorge. The rioters are opposing the Cleene Gorge route. So I get it put through Ottertown? No. You have a completely free hand, but no. Out of the question. The sitting member, Sir Francis Puckerington, is ill. And he got in by only 45 votes at the last election. And it means pulverising 75 council houses. So you must ensure that Lord Leakham, should he survive, opts for the Cleene Gorge. And if he refuses? You have full negotiating powers and our backing. Good luck, Dundridge. Get off to Worford at once. Well, if you're quite sure. - Can I make one last phone call? - Certainly. It's a great challenge, you know. And a great opportunity. Yes, I know. Doreen? J Dundridge here. Can I have a car from Transport? Yeah, a big one. With a flag. Yes, I've been promoted, Doreen. I'm the Ministry troubleshooter. Will you book me a room from tonight in the best hotel in Worford? The second best hotel in Worford. (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Here is Blott. Oh, General! They are liking to release her? I come at once. Marvellous, isn't it? They're letting her out. No case to answer. - Isn't it exciting? We'll welcome her. - Go along and cheer. Mind if we ride with you? The others will follow. Please, be a guest! A fine lady, Lady Maud, I think. Real heroine. More stuff in her than that *** of a husband! You put up quite a show on TV last night. - Wasn't he utterly marvellous? - Just like Clint Eastwood. That, er karate chop! Life's funny. I spent my days in Africa cracking down on brother darkie for riots like that. Now I'm on the other side. I quite like it. We must keep green our motherland soil. My sentiments exactly. You were never in the army, Blott, were you? Don't know much about you. Of course, I have had some experiences of this kind. I have played a part. But you know how are these things, General. These things are often very secret. - I say, how exciting! - Yes, isn't it wonderful? Entirely understood, old chap. I take it you were actually on our side? - I say, look out! - (BRAKES SCREECH) Blithering idiot! Must be one of those foreigners. They'll be everywhere if we get this motorway. - Good God, it's you! - We've got to talk. - What about? - That damn woman! Got a drink? - Lady Maud? - She goes and sets the cat among the pigeons! - I bet she poisoned Leakham. - Won't prison keep her quiet? They've let her out! The Chief Constable's a friend of hers. She's giving TV interviews. - I had a look. - That won't make much impact. She'll get every conservationist, nature lover and loyal Brit on her side. The thing is, she's upset Leakham so much, he's bound to find for us. If he stays in charge. What do you mean? I just had the Minister on. They're sending up a London bigwig to take charge of all negotiations. The Minister won't stand for Ottertown. It's a marginal. If you were in this chap's shoes, would you choose the gorge? Quite, Hoskins, quite. This may require a complete change of strategy. Leave it to me. Better stay away from here. This London chap will be using my office. Bloody bigwig. That's all we need! Find out everything you can about him. Everything down to the size of his underpants! He's got lovely hair. It goes right down his back, and really beautiful muscles. I mean, his hands Sorry, love. Customer. - Yes, sir? - Mr J Dundridge. You have a room for me. - A room? - A room. This is the Handyman Arms, a hotel? We're full. Everyone wants to come to Worford, now we've got riots. - My secretary made a booking. - They all say that. What was the name? Mr J Dundridge. I'm an important official from the Ministry of the Environment. Well, aren't we lucky, Mr Bundridge? Dundridge. It's in the machine as "Bundridge", so it's "Mr Bundridge", Mr Dundridge. Now, how many nights would you like me to give you? Oh Well, I shall be here for some time. Can we leave it open? Of course. There's our motto. I'll put you in Cleene Whizzer. Pardon? The rooms are named after the late Lord Handyman's racehorses. It's No.5, really. Up these stairs one and a half flights, left, right, left again and right. You can't miss it. Can someone help me with my luggage? Freda might. Used to have a four-poster in it, but you know newly-weds! They kicked off the posts! Wedding nights aren't what they were, are they? I know, I've had several! You, get out of here! Didn't do anything, did it? They come off the church. Harmless, really. Now, that's your basin, that's your wardrobe. And the bed light's over there out the way. (SIR GILES'S ACCENT) I have many important business interests. Big matters are at stake. On efficience depends the future of the nation. Commerce today is a cutting-throat game. The weakest must go to the walls. Oh, Sir Giles! Did you say anything? I didn't say anything. Did you? (WATER GURGLES IN PIPES) There you are, Giles. I've been looking for you. Maud, so they released you. How splendid! What a wretched business! - What are you up to, Giles? - Nothing at all. Preserving Handyman Hall. Well, I think my way was better. We won't be hearing more from Leakham, not when he gets my suit for wrongful arrest! It's out of the hands of Leakham now. - Why? - The Ministry's sending a bigwig to take charge. I suppose the next thing is you'll be having lunch with HIM? Well, I suppose I might be able to persuade him to see the point of Ottertown. Excuse me! - Hello! Want somebody? - Yes, the Planning Officer, Mr Hoskins. - Who wants him? - J Dundridge from the Environment Ministry. Good God, the troubleshooter! I'm Hoskins. I wasn't expecting you till tomorrow. The Minister was keen that I start as quickly as possible. Quite right. I'm having a quick one at the Conservative Club. Join me? - Well, I don't - Course you do. No, I don't envy you your job, Mr Dundridge. Not one bit. What do they expect you to do? The Minister wants negotiations to be handled very tactfully. Ideally, he'd like the outcome to have the consent of all the principal parties involved. How do you mean to get that? I've just been reading the file in my dreadful hotel and I think we need an alternative route. - Ottertown? - Politically out of the question. An alternative route to the alternative route. - To the south, perhaps? - Slit and sludge. Sludge To the north? Mining and subsidence. Cleene Gorge is the only real route. That's why this bit of the motorway has been held up for so long. Bill! Two more pints, if you wouldn't mind. I I see. Then these protesters, can we get them to drop their opposition? I'll introduce you to some of them tomorrow. You'll see. - Offer them more compensation? - No, they don't want money. They've got "the British disease". Sink with what you've got rather than swim with change. They like things just as they are round here. I can't think why. Look, if I went to see Sir Giles Lynchwood, General Burnett and Colonel Chapman and tried to persuade them to take more money Thanks, Bill. Try if you like. They're not the problem anyway. - Then who is? - Never heard of Lady Maud? Now, if you could get round her, you'd be a marvel. - Sounds very tricky. - Then you've got Lord Leakham. Seems pottier than ever since they poleaxed him. He blames her, so whatever she agrees to, he won't accept. - What are we going to do? - You're the troubleshooter. What about a game of billiards? I think I'd better get back to my hotel and plan strategy. (WATER GURGLES IN PIPES) (WOMAN) Oh, do it again, George. Do it to me like you did last time! (CHURCH BELLS RING) (GURGLING) Oh, do it again, George! Please, do it to me again! Wakey-wakey! Lovely morning! - Aagh! - Did we sleep well? - I didn't sleep at all. - Here's your tea. They didn't have that London "Times" you said, so I brought the parish magazine. Lord Leakham? Sir? Sir Who are you? Pass me my spectacles. Mr J Dundridge. The Minister of the Environment has sent me down to negotiate a settlement in the motorway dispute. Really? Well, I was appointed to head the inquiry. I do not intend to relinquish responsibility and you may so inform the Minister. Yes, sir. I've no intention of being deflected by hooliganism or riots from doing my duty. When the medics say there's nothing wrong with me except poisoning, I'll reopen the inquiry and announce my decision. Yes, sir. And, erm, what will that be? I intend to recommend it goes through the Cleene Gorge. Plum through it! I intend to take that damned woman's house, level it to the ground bit by bit! - You mean Lady Lynchwood? - She sent her idiot husband to poison me! She interrupted the proceedings, she insulted me, she incited a riot, she made a mockery of the legal process. She shall rue the day! - I told you not to upset him! - He says he was poisoned. - That's concussion. - The law shall not be mocked. The law shall not be mocked! (PHONE RINGS) Hello, Handyman Hall? Could I speak to Sir Giles Lynchwood? It's Mr J Dundridge from the Ministry of the Environment. Oh, yes? I'm his secretary. Did you wish to see him? He did say he'd be free at the Hall at 12. Is that all right? Thank you. Blott! Secretary? Blott! Giles is out all day today, isn't he? - He makes his business, yes. - Good. The bigwig from the Ministry is coming. I think we'll do something special. I want flowers in the house. I want to make a good impression on him. (CAR HORN) (MIMICS TRUMPETS, WHISTLES) Hello there! Ah, yes. Hello. I'm J Dundridge from the Ministry of the Environment. Sir Giles Lynchwood My husband? Did he? I'm afraid he's a little delayed. He's asked me to show you round the estate and the house while you waited. If you'd care to You know, Mr Dundridge, looking about you, wouldn't you say that a garden like this is England at her most complete? Oh! Thank you, Mr Dundridge. I say, you're quite a tower of strength! Our hall. I love it. One has to have a taste for the Gothic. But I find discerning people nowadays always do. Quite. You can understand my attachment. My family have always lived hereabouts. My grandmother was seduced by King Edward VII, you know. Ah! He loved the house. He quite liked my grandmother, too. The portrait up there is Busby, Lord Handyman. Always said to be the product of that union. - Ah. - My father. Can you see the resemblance? - My word! - Come into the drawing room. Sherry, sir? Fine on this side, "vet" on that. Wet. A nincompoop? Really? A first-rate, Grade A, five-star nincompoop. Can't always go by appearances. I've known slippy customers who looked like utter dumbos. This chap doesn't just look like an utter dumbo. He really is one! - Anyone could twist him round their little finger. - Then why did the Minister send him? Why do ministers do anything? Just don't look a gift horse in the mouth. That's what I say. No, I suppose not. Is this chicken? You don't think he'd decide against the gorge, do you? I doubt it. Leakham wouldn't listen if he did. I'm taking him around later. I'll introduce him to the problems. Where is he now? In some snack bar, I expect. Yes, I'm afraid Leakham was the most dreadful failure. Er, yes. Yes, he seems to have gone right out of court. How very well put! In what way? His mind. He thinks people have been poisoning him. That sort of thing. People? Well, your husband. What nonsense! Giles wouldn't. Well, only if dreadfully provoked. I wonder where Giles is. (BLOTT) Out. He seems to have been detained. Would you like more sherry? I've brought it. I think we'll take lunch, Blott. You will stay to lunch, won't you, Mr Dundridge? - I'd be honoured. - Go to the cellar and find some really nice wine. I think a little Pouilly. - Pouilly? - And a really good Bordeaux. I'm sure Giles would approve. Find the best, Blott. (BLOWS) No, it has to be the best. Non-constant, interruptive? Non-interruptive, constant flow subway transportation system. Suppose the, uh Suppose the train moved along like that. And the platform moved along like that. And people jumped from one to the other and then onto a slower one still. - And then almost - Blott! The wine, I found some, OK? How do you like it? Blanc or rouge? - Claret for me, please. - Hmm, claret? The red one, Blott! Do you have any ideas about motorways, for example? - Oddly enough, I do. - You do? - (CORK POPS) - It's just come to me. It's only an idea. It has no official standing. Well, quite. Lateral thinking. You don't go through You go - Away? - No, no, no, no, no, no. No, you see, lateral thinking. You go underneath. Underneath what? Build a tunnel. It's only an idea. Brilliant! Wonderful! You dear, dear man! No wonder they call you an innovator! - It would need a feasibility study. - How long would that take? - Six months, a year. - Even better! I've suddenly remembered an appointment this afternoon. Get Mr Dundridge's hat. Is here. But I was to see Sir Giles. Oh, I'm afraid he must have forgotten you completely. But I shan't. Goodbye, brilliant Mr Dundridge. I hope we meet again. So do I, Lady Maud. So, that was the earwig from the Ministry? Blott, tidy this up and get rid of the flowers before Giles gets back! (HORN) - What's going on, Blott? - Gardening. Maud! Maud, where are you? Has someone been here? Well, yes. I had a visit from such a charming young man. A Mr Dundridge. He wanted you and I tried to entertain him as best I could. He's been here with you? What did he have to say? Oh, various things, this and that He thought it was absurd to take the motorway through the gorge. So he's backing Ottertown? No, Giles. Not the gorge. Not Ottertown. - No? - No. A third route. - There's no other way through. - He's not going through, he's going underneath. - Underneath? - A tunnel. Isn't that a marvellous idea? Oh, there you are. Had a good day? - Excellent. - Really? Got on all right with Leakham? Ridiculous man. He has an irrational hatred for Lady Maud. - What's irrational about it? - I've just had lunch with her. - Delightful woman, utterly charming. - Delightful? - Charming. - Rather vast! Comely. Bit like Mussolini. Looks the same both ways up! Mr Hoskins You are speaking of a wonderful person. And I believe we've solved this whole motorway problem between us. A tunnel? A bloody tunnel under the Cleene Hills? The man's crazy! Outrageous waste of taxpayers' money! He's crazier than you think. He fancies your missus. What? He thinks she's charming and delightful. Maud? And comely. No wonder she was looking like the cat that swallowed the canary! We've got to stop him. Who's this "we"? It's your problem. All right, Hoskins. How much? It'll take 5,000. - Good God, Hoskins! What is it? - Exploit his weakness. What is his weakness? Money, drugs, drink, girls, boys? It'd take too long to find out, but we know he fancies your wife. - That doesn't bloody help me. It helps her! - A woman of the ampler kind. Maud could play rugby, but how does that help? An attractive woman of the ampler kind. - Now, I've got some friends - I'm amazed. But we've got to work fast. I'll go off to London, keep out of the way. When you've fixed it up, call me. Usual number. Usual code. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) (PHONE RINGS) - Yes? - Who is it? Someone for you. A Mr Lollipop. Oh, him? Hello there. How are you? I've got a job for you. Right up your street. It's tonight and 2,000 in it for you if you do it just right. Really? Swastikas tattooed on his bottom? He hadn't when I knew him. - Oh, Mr Bundridge! - Er, Dundridge. - Someone to see you. - Oh, Mr Hoskins! It's Bob. Sorry to dash off like that, but I had a couple of arrangements to make for our tour. - Our tour? - Didn't I explain? I'm showing you around. I thought we'd look at some of the villages on the motorway route. Meet a few locals, then to the golf club to have drinks with prominent figures from the inquiry. - Not arranged something else? - An early night. No, no, duty calls. Anyway, you mustn't appear hoity-toity. Mind if we go in your car? Mine's over at the office. The Eagle and Standard, Duckford. Handyman House. (POSH ACCENT) Ahoy there! I say, smashing evening! Oh, look, some friends of mine. Let's join them. All right. Meet my good friend Mr Dundridge. Hello there. Welcome aboard. Do let me I think she fancies you. Not your type? Oh, well, one drink and we'll move on. The Five Barrels, Ottertown. A Handyman House. It was the Ten Barrels, but things are tight everywhere, aren't they? You can say that again! Sit down. Brighten the evening. Who's your friend? I say, you really know how to pull the birds! - The Four Feathers, Worford. - I know, a Handyman House. Just like the George at Carbonell, the Bull at Buttermuck. - And the Sprag End at Slaughterers' Arms. - No, the Slaughterers' Arms at Sprag End. Interesting crowd here. Bit horsey. I say, who are you calling horsey? Do you know what they say? "Horsey, horsey, don't you stop." Mine did. Went *** over tip at the third fence. - Who's your chum? - This is Mr Dundridge. Hmm! Like the cut of your fetlock! I feel rather tired. We haven't finished yet. Don't forget the golf club! Come on. This is Sir Francis Puckerington, MP for Ottertown. And General Burnett from Gilstead Carbonell. This is Mr Dundridge from the Ministry. Oh, yes, then you'll know a good friend of mine, uh Uh What's his name? Sorry, mind a blank. - Military background, Dundridge? - No, General. - How did you get this job? - Mr Dundridge is a hotshot Ministry negotiator. I hope you have the sense not to recommend Cleene Gorge. The General's a leading protester. I need hardly warn you of the seriousness of picking Ottertown. The Prime Minister Oh, what's her name? (MUTTERS) Sorry, mind's a blank. Anyway, she's personally against it. I told you you'd get a sample of local opinion. Excuse me, I just need a breath of fresh air. God, what a bunch of bores! Oh, so sorry. I didn't see you standing there. My name's Sally Boles. What's yours? Dundridge. John Dundridge. - You're not a golfer? - No! - Silly game. - How amusing! Nor am I. Yes, yes? Yes, yes! I'm afraid Sir Giles is a bit tied up at the moment. Can I take a message? Yes Yes. Bye! Oh, dear. - Who was it? - It was a Mr Lollipop. Silly name! - He said, erm, "The fish is hooked." - Marvellous! I can't tell you how marvellous it is to meet a kindred spirit here. I can't wait to get back to London. Isn't the country awful? Terrible. No organisation. All these endless trees everywhere. People keep making such a fuss about everywhere. Beastly, dark churches. They say it's quiet. I've never been anywhere so noisy! Do try that. Do you know what you are Miss Boles? Oh, Sally, please. Sally. A truly metropolitan woman! That is what you are. Tell me Sally Miss Boles Sally what do you do? - I work in beauty. - Like the night. How appropriate! I'm a beauty consultant in Chelsea. Chelsea? Chelsea? Chelsea? Really? - You live that way? - More or less. I think we ought to meet again. I really do. Let's have another drink. - What do you call it? - A Harlem Bogtrotter or something. - Never thought I'd teach the barman to make it. - It's bloody good! Oh, thank God it's not bloody Handyman Ale! Let's go. Do you have a car? (MAKES DEEP THROATY SOUNDS) Yes, Sally. I've got a car. A car with a flag on it. - You've made my evening. - And you've made mine. I want to see more of you. More and more and more of you! You will, my pet. You will.