The Godfather Part - Iii explained for millennials! - Part 2 of 2

Before we continue, let me start by saying, if you didn’t watch Part I of II, why are you here? PLAY! Our story continues... in Sicily! Where Michael seeks the advice of Don Tommasino, the man who protected him in the original Godfather movie after Michael shot that Turk bit for his pappy. And he ask Don Tommasino questions about Altobello and Lucchesi. And if you didn’t watch Godfather Part III Part 1 of 2 like you should have, I will reiterate: You know what? Let me just go ahead and spare y’all some confusion. Remember that Lucchesi d*ck from the Vatican? That sweet old Godfather Don Altobello who snuck out the *** door to miss the clusterf*ck in Atlantic City is working with him. And with the Archbishop Gilday. They never intended to let Michael buy the corporation. They wanted Michael to pay off the debt in exchange for nothing. At least that’s how I understand it, and if I’m wrong, f*ck it again. But this is the scene where Michael figures out all of the sh*t I done explained twice. And Michael now needs to know who in the Church can be trusted. Don Tommasino recommends Cardinal Lamberto. Another new character showing up too damn late in the movie for anybody to give a f*ck about him. But he matters so don’t forget him. I just gotta say that even though it might seem boring, this is the best damn scene in this long f*cking miserable movie. Michael is trying to do the right thing for once in his long f*cking miserable life. Vincent is warning him not to trust dirty good-for-nothing bishops, and post-diabetic-stroke Michael rolls the old Don away in his wheelchair because everybody here cares about each other. Michael throws a party to celebrate his son’s upcoming performance in Palermo. And while Michael listens to his disappointment of a son play the Godfather theme song, he thinks back on his pre-diabetic days, and he wonders what his life might have been like with a real Sicilian wife had she not blowed up. There is another lesson to be learned here, y’all. Any man will grow into a bitter old fart if someone done blowed up his favorite pair of ***. And then he snaps out of it and is like, “Who the hell wants an illegitimate nephew for a son-in-law. This is Sicily, not Missisicilyppi. So, he goes to tell his children that Kay was his second choice for the mother of his children, but that his first choice and her *** went up in flames. And he tells Mary, “Look, if you blow your cousin, you’ll get blowed up. And it’s... what’s the word I’m lookin’... It’s not creepy. It’s not grody. It’s f*cking crody.” So, she obeys him, by going straight to his room to dundidhim. And Vincent pops up behind Michael later and is like, “Yeah, I pickled her.” And Michael’s like, “Ok. Go tell Altobello. Even though I’ve been telling you that him knowing you love Mary would put her in danger.” So, Vincent goes to Altobello with Michael’s master plan to make Altobello believe that because Vincent is in love with Mary, he would betray Michael. And that he needs Altobello’s help. And - *poof* - like g*ddamn magic - Lucchesi, the other guy who wants to kill Michael, is right f*cking there. Mole successfully planted. Meanwhile, Michael goes to visit Cardinal Lamberto to inform him of the Vatican banker’s corrupt dealings. And Michael under stress has another poorly timed drop in blood sugar. And *poof* - like g*ddamn magic - a plateful of candy bars and orange juice is right f*cking there. And Lamberto tells him that he wouldn’t need that much f*cking sugar if he just had more Jesus in his diet. He convinces Michael to confess his sins to him. And Michael’s like, “No, you don’t want to hear that. I’m f*cked up.” But the Cardinal is like, “But it’s what you neeeed.” So, Michael confesses his sins to him, telling him how he’s killed many men, even his own brother Fredo, and the Cardinal is like, “Whoo, boy. You are f*cked up.” But he still promises to help Michael with the real estate deal so he can become one of the most powerful men in the world. That’s f*cked up. Uh oh, the Pope is dead. And care to take a guess about who’s gonna be the new Pope? Don Altobello hires a notorious assassin named Mosca to kill Michael, Kay arrives to see her son sing opera, and Michael takes Kay on a tour of Sicily. On their tour of Sicily, Michael shows Kay where Vito was born, they crash a wedding, and they enjoy some authentic Sicilian food when Michael tells Kay that he always loved her. And she’s like, “Well, that little scarf does make you look sexy. Ok!” So, they decide to start anew. But I thought Kay had another husband. But at this point does it even f*cking matter? And I’m sitting here like, “Would one of you raise your standards, please?” While the old prunes are about to get they freak on, Don Tommasino is killed by the same assassin who’s headed to the opera to kill Michael. But Michael’s romantic reunion with Kay is ruined by the news of Don Tommasino's death. Just when he was about to bust out the olive oil. And Cardinal Lamberto is elected the new Pope, and he’s like “Oh, no, no, no, no, I can’t, but hell to the f*cking yes!” Welcome to your new Popedom. We hereby declare you Pope John Paul I. And Pope John Paul the f*cking First ain’t taking no sh*t. Especially the shady dealings of that Vatican banker, Archbishop Gilday. So, he and the other corrupt members of the Church’s real estate corporation run off! So, at Don Tommasino’s funeral, Michael mourns the death of his friend by feeling sorry for himself. He’s like, “We both dirty mofos. Why did people love you instead of me?” And he’s says, “I’m tired of killing people. God, please help me, and I’ll stop killing people.” So, Vincent comes in and he tells him to go kill some people. Because Michael is ready to give the f*ck up. He’s like, “Vincent, you can take the wheel of this sh*tmobile. But you have to give up my daughter. Because if you’re gonna be the head of the family, you can’t get head from the family.” Vincent agrees. So, Michael grants Vincent the name of Corleone, and Vincent gets the job that would have been Sonny’s if he hadn’t been so f*cking stupid. Congratulations, Vincent. You will be rewarded with more attempts on your life. Finally, we’re at the opera. And Mosca shows up incognito, and nobody recognizes him even though he’s a f*cking renowned, notorious, Sicilian assassin. So, if you’re keeping score, it’s something like Coppola: 101, Logic: 0 Connie gives Don Altobello some cannoli, but this old *** don’t trust nobody. So he says, “Here, Godadaughter. Make sure this ain’t poisoned for your Godapappy.” And she doesn’t look suspicious at all. The not-Tom-Hagen lawyer, BJ, tells Michael that the new Pope has approved the real estate deal, and Vincent tells Mary that she will never again get a puff of his Cuban cigar. Some more advice, y’all. Don’t date your cousins. It’s just f*cking crody. And lazy. It’s f*cking crazy. Anthony sings for an eternity, Vincent’s guards are killed in the dumbest f*cking ways by Mosca, Don Altobello is enjoying his cannoli, and Connie’s like, “Bite it, ***.” In other parts of the world, Lucchesi dies by his own glasses to the neck from one of Michael’s men, Archbishop Gilday poisons the Pope’s tea, and shortly after dies by bullet from another one of Michael’s men, another one of the real estate guys is hanged by Vincent’s men off a bridge after dying by pillow to the face, and back at the opera, sweet old Don Altobello dies by sweet. Yet somehow the only one you feel sorry for is the little nun who runs screaming, “The Holy Father is dead a-f*cking-gain.” And just as Mosca is about to kill Michael, Tom Hagen’s son takes Michael’s seat. But shoot him, Mosca! He’s f*cking irrelevant! Vincent finds out his twin guards are dead, and he walks out of the camera’s view and the notorious f*cking assassin steps up right behind him and just glares at everybody. Coppola: 102, Logic: Still f*cking 0 Outside the Opera, Mary asks Michael, “Daddy, why you take away my favorite cannoli?” Then Mosca jumps out and shoots at Michael, because if you can’t shoot a bit quietly during the opera, just do out in the f*cking open. And all of the priest jumps Mosca’s *ss, which is not appropriate priest behavior! And Vincent kills Mosca. Too little, too late. And here we have the worst acting from Mary in the whole damn movie, where she realizes she’s been hit, and says, “Dad.” Which is immediately followed by the best acting from Mary in the whole damn movie, because now all she has to do is hold her f*cking breath. And again, the only person you feel sorry for is this little priest who sits there like, “Whatathef*ckajustahappened?” And Michael screams over Mary’s dead body. And Kay just looks at Michael, seeing him cry for the first time ever, and is like, “He must be on the rag!” And Michael loses his mind and transcends space and time, until we see him, another 18,980 cigarettes later, and he just f*cking dies. But what you don’t see is the delete scene where the dog pisses on his f*cking corpse. Overall, this is a pretty good movie, even though it had a few sh*tty actors and the plot was kind of... *fart* Oh well, when a movie f*cking depresses you, just make fart jokes. The F*cking End! Oh, this sh*ttay movay Can kiss Jeb’s patootay. Be sure to like, share, and subscribe. I giggled when Mary died. For Movie’s Explained for… I’m Jeb. Ediah. I’m glad Coppola retired. That’s it.