The Ricky Gervais Show S2E4 - English Transcript

For the past few years Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington Have been meeting regularly For a series of pointless conversations. This is one of them. - Testing. - Is that all right? Hello and welcome to "The Ricky Gervais show" With me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant - Hello. - And the little round-headed buffoon That is Karl Pilkington. Hi. Okay, then listen, right. I'm gonna-- I've found some things that I think will interest you, And I want your first thoughts on these, okay? Now these are facts that I've sourced, okay? What's the actual topic? Well, you love animals, don't you? - You're interested in animal facts. - Some of them. I don't love 'em. Some of them fascinate me and stuff. But a lot of them also get on my nerves. I don't know how an animal can get on your nerves. - They just do. - Okay then, here you go. There's a frog, Karl, just a little frog, A poison arrow frog, that contains enough poison To kill over 1,000 human beings. Why is it that annoyed? It's not annoyed. Why's it going about killing 1,000 people? No, it has the potential to. It has enough poison, It has enough toxin in it That could kill But does it need that? Whereabouts is this? Where's it living? The rainforest, I think. And does it need that sort of power? Is it in that much-- is it getting threatened a lot is what I mean? Well, no 'cause it's saying, "don't come near me. " And it shows it with its colors. It's got the colors that say it doesn't want to be eaten. It doesn't want people to chew a bit, right? And go, "oh, I'm an idiot. " It's saying, "look at my colors. Don't eat me. Don't-- you don't want to come near me. " Karl: Then why give it bright colors? 'cause now it's standing out. Ricky: Yeah, and it's going, "don't eat me. " Yeah, but make it a color that fits in like camouflage. Why make it orange? Course it's gonna stand out. Then they'll attack it. Then it'll turn around and bite 4,000 men or whatever. No, it doesn't bite. It's the fact that if you were to eat it You would die. Yeah, but who's gonna eat it? Well, things that eat frogs. The french. And they go, "sacre bleu, You have killed me and 999 of my friends. " But why-- why is everything, Like, surviving like this though? I thought it was all about survival of the fittest. Not the one who looks the hardest. Well, but survival of the fittest Is whether you're chosen or not by nature. No, but I'd survive if I could go about killing - It's not fair. - Ricky: It doesn't bite. Whatever. If it licks you or whatever. No, not if it licks you. If you lick it. Well, I'm not gonna lick it. It's not gonna happen. I will not be licking a frog. So it's of no danger to me. So I could still kill it and there's no chance-- At no point am I gonna lick a little frog's head, Not when it's alive or when it's dead. I love the fact it's all about you. It's all about how it relates to you. And he's annoyed that they're getting away with something. He doesn't like any sly animals. He doesn't like animals hiding, then he wants them to hide. He doesn't want animals killing things, then he wants them to kill things. He doesn't know what he wants. When they say survival of the fittest they don't mean That say lions have been working out in a gym. - Do you understand? - It means the fittest gene pool. And the fittest gene pool is a gene pool That's still around. That's all it is. You think that everything, slugs, cats, Are all somehow-- their ambition is to be like us. Or to have the kind of attributes like us That they can speak, they can talk, they can think, they can act. I only think that because when you see people with these pets-- Lizards, cats, whatever-- they treat them like they're humans. So I think if you do that enough times, They're gonna start getting familiar with certain-- Again, "planet of the apes. " he's thinking of "planet of the apes. " Say like you with your cat, the way you talk to it. You give it a little cheeky massage and that when it's stressed out. - It's a cat. - No, you made that up that it was stressed out. I'm just playing with my cat, right? If anything, the cat is to destress me. So you're talking to your cat, rick? Is it answering back? How are the conversations going with your cat? I have more intelligent conversations with my cat than I do with him. Here's one, right? When my gram died, right, She had this rubbish dog, right? And that's all we got left. It's called fluffy. And, like, my gram looked after it In a way that it was treated like a human. Do you know what I mean? Had a little coat on when it went out and all that. Anyway, so she died. We get left it. My dad's like, "oh bloody hell," right? Before you know it, it was a wreck because we-- We weren't sort of bathing it the way she bathed it. We let it out if it wanted to go out. It got covered in oil. It used to go under the car and everything. It went from looking like this fluffy, you know, poodle To just being a bit of a wreck. It got hit by a car. It run sideways like a crab and all that. Øn the course of how long? A month? Probably about two-- two months or something. Now-- so it went from being overtreated To just being treated like a dog. Yeah, but a dog isn't, you know, Is not an indigenous species anywhere. We sort of bred those from, you know, jackals and wolves. Change it. Take away the dog thing. - I mean that lizard thing you've got. - Salamander. It's still sort of treated as part of the family. It's not. How is it treated as part of the family? Just the way it's looked after. That big area that it's got to itself. We stick it in a case and feed it a cricket now and again. - How is that like one of the family? - It doesn't matter. It is in Karl's family. It's in your flat, isn't it? And it's sat in that corner. - I just mean as time goes on - Yeah? Things get educated as they get older. - How old's that lizard? - You don't. - How old is it? - About 15 years old. Right, now it knows more now than it did when you got it Because it's been in those surroundings. It's had its eye on things. to a lot of linkin park, Goes on the internet a lot. No, but do you know what I mean? You've already proved your point. It's like that fellow who kept hitting the dog on the head with the stick. Right, pavlov. At no point did he hit a dog on the head with a stick. But he kept doing it and eventually the dog went, "I'm sick of this," - And wandered off, didn't he? Brilliant. Do you know what? Let's do a program where you rewrite, You paraphrase someone's theory. So pavlov's first. We could do freud. Give us-- what do you know about sigmund freud? The father of psychoanalysis. Right, come on then. I don't know anything on him. Here's an interesting fact. If the frog annoyed you, this might annoy you. A blind chameleon will still change color To match its surroundings. You're aware that the chameleon can-- - Yeah, whatever it sits on. - Yeah. But then what happens when you put one of them on a mirror? No, does it get stressed out? What's it copying? Well, it probably doesn't need to copy anything 'cause it looks at itself and it goes, "is that what you look like? It's brilliant. God that was fast. That's the fastest I've ever done that. That is brilliant. " So they can go any color? There's nothing-- You can put them on anything and they'll go to the thing? I don't want you to have a chameleon Because you'd just be trying to see what it could and couldn't do. - Trying to catch out. - I know, yeah. Pop it on some tartan. Again, say like the frog thing, right? Pop it on the telly. Couldn't do it fast enough. Why does the chameleon need that skill Of copying a color? Because at the end of the day, That's mainly sticking in the woods, isn't it? - By trees, by grass. - Ricky: Right. Why can't it just stay green? That's all it needs. Those color changes Are only for camouflage, aren't they? I don't know. Some of them are for attraction. Some of them to show moods, anger. No, I just think we're encouraging them. You see, maybe this is evolution or whatever. But at the end of the day, 'cause they can change color, They're wandering out of their area. They can be wandering about, you know, through a car park And everything just because they'll go, "well, I don't want to get seen," change to the color of concrete. Or into the color of a fiat punto. But they should just stay green. Staz green, stay in the woods and stay safe. I love this public information for chameleons. - Words of advice for chameleons. - Oh, god. Stay green, stay in the woods, stay safe. Good night. Oh god. Um, right. The only time a turkey whistles is when it panics. - Christmas time then? - Yeah. What do you think of that, Karl? It goes from one extreme to another, don't it? You got a frog who's going mental - It's not going mental. - Killing thousands of people. - No. - That's got that sort of power. Then you got a turkey who's whistling for help. You think that you should redress the balance a little bit. You want to give-- what would you do? Give the frog the ability to kill 500 and the turkey 500? I don't think it should be killing-- I reckon 10. - 10 because - You've made your point with 10, haven't you? Do you think that he's got Like he's got - I don't think you understand. - I just think-- He doesn't really kill It doesn't mean someone goes, "frog, you have the power to kill 1,000 people in your lifetime. " "choose them wisely. " But I just think if it needs that sort of power-- - Power? - It should be fighting evil? It's knocking about the wrong area, isn't it? If it's under that much danger, move. I was thinking the other day about, You know, your body and everything. 'cause it is amazing, isn't it, how it works? - Oh yeah yeah. - Does the brain Control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine. - nor do I, Karl. - There's a surprise. - Nor do I, Karl. - Do you know what I mean though by that? Does the brain control you or do you control the brain? Don't you ever sort of think sometimes-- say if you're making-- - But you are the brain. - No no, but I was making a shopping list, Going, "right, I need some rice, kidney beans. " And I thought I had everything And I sort of was rolling up the paper. Then something went, "oh, an onion. " - Your brain did that. - Something went, "an onion. " was it suzanne? My brain sort of went, "you forgot something. " - Yeah? - I didn't think I'd forgot. No, you are your brain. No no, but don't you understand the brain-- My brain-- I was in control of my brain When I was writing down "rice and kidney beans. " But you're not in charge of the onion? That's another part of the brain that's in charge of the onion. No, but I had put the paper away, Put my coat on, ready to go. Yes, but your onion lobe kicked in. So you put the paper in your pocket, you got the coat on. Then you just suddenly hear from nowhere, onion? Yeah, I'm not even thinking about that shopping list. It's in my pocket. I'm thinking, "do I need my gloves? It's cold out. " Suddenly, onion. It was like, "oh yeah, onion. " I had to get the paper out. So what I'm saying is who's in charge? The brain. The brain, the mind. The brain is the-- what do you mean, "who's in charge?" You forgot the onion and then you remembered the onion. You must have forgotten things in the past. No, but not like that. Not where it just made me think, "that was weird. Who reminded me of that?" You did. - Yeah, but I'm not-- - no, you are your brain. It's not like there's you then there's a brain. Then there's an extra one looking down-- The metabrain, the thing above it. No, but your brain-- How does your brain work? You give it information, don't you? - Well, it takes-- - what do you mean, you give it information? If I sat in a room with nothing, Not feeding it anything, it wouldn't know anything. No, but there's two youse. There's this thing-- There's Karl and Karl's brain. Yeah, there's not a duality in this. If you go, "come on. Come on now, think. " That's the brain saying that to itself. It's not-- there's not two people in there Having an argument going, "come on, brain. " And the brain's going, "oh, don't you start. I was thinking then. " And the other thing's going, "brain, onion. " And the brain goes, "Karl, onion. " You are your brain. If you are anything, You are-- you are your mind, your brain, Your collection of memories, your personality. You're not what you look like. That answer your question, Karl? What did you think about then? You were thinking of a tortoise On a skateboard then when I said that last sentence, weren't you? You know, whilst you've been working and that, I've been traveling about a bit. Went to, um, dorset, right? A nice beach there. And you know those huts you get-- like a hut on the beach and you-- - Oh, where you get changed? - But they're better than that. It's like you can put a telly in it. A sofa if you want. Oh, you don't mean the victorian changing huts. Yeah, those sort of things. It's sort of bigger than that. - Yeah. - We're walking down there And there was a really sort of big fat family In one of them. There was about four of them. And you could tell that they'd never had a game of anything. Do you know what I mean? Just sitting down there eating ice cream, Looking at the sea and what have you. And the weird thing is, the little fat kid, The youngest one who must have been, I don't know, about eight, He was really fat to the point of you couldn't see his neck. - Yeah. - And he sat at the front of his mom and dad And his elder sister. He sat there and he had a frisbee. And I thought, "look, they don't wanna play with him and that. " - I mean, that's an active game to play, isn't it, frisbee? - Yeah. As we got closer, he was just using it to eat maltesers out of. Again, you know, the one active thing he's got, he's using it to eat out of. Yeah. Extraordinary. And that just sums up what people are like now When it comes to keeping fit and activities. Oh, that's fantastic. One thing I've noticed, 'cause I occasionally go to the gym, And you know those guys who work out constantly To give themselves extraordinary physiques? Just that, you know, they're on the weights And they're really-- you know, I notice in the summer particularly, - Those guys cannot wait to get their shirts off. - Yeah. Everywhere you see, they're walking around, If they've got a good torso, they are walking shirts off. Even, I think, if you go to nightclubs-- I notice there's always one guy who's thinking, "well, I have put so much work into this body, I have got to get my shirt off on the dance floor. " it comes straight off. A brand new tattoo. I'm not covering that up. - Exactly. - I've paid a lot for it, let's see it. But that's what we were saying about bodies. I can't remember why we were talking about it. We've got to a point in science now that you can change a head. No, that doesn't make any sense at all. It was a program. It was done in the '50s or '60s Where they stuck a monkey's brain on a stick And had it wired up and it still worked. - Right, okay. - And that was in the '60s. Right, okay. To say to change a head makes no sense at all. Because if you put a different head Íon a different body, you're changing the body. Yeah, I know. That's what I'm about to say to you, though. - What? - That's what I'm saying. That I'd be more confident If I had someone else's body Because if anyone dissed it I can go, "I know. It's bad, isn't it? But it's not mine. " - What are you talking about? - It's like, say-- As opposed to someone else's head? Yeah, but it wasn't me. The head is me. Well, of course it is. That's what I mean. So what do you mean? You'd be happier having someone else's body? What, than your own? What I mean is, say if, um You're wandering about. For some reason there's an incident. You have to take your top off and everyone's looking at you. You're a bit sort of-- you know, you haven't got the muscles. You haven't got the six-pack. - Right. - Which isn't that nice anyway. I don't know why that's become a nice thing really, seeing the insides of you. - It's not. - You might as well-- I mean I know I came up with the see-through skin idea. But it's a bit weird, isn't it? You can see stuff. - No no,t's the muscle in front of the-- - No, it's not. - Sometimes you can see tubes. - No, you can't see tubes. - You can see tubes and veins. - Well, you can see veins. Yeah well, I don't want to see that. That's why we got skin over it. Stop looking at naked men then. Sometimes you can't help it 'cause it's been hot And like you said, there's people walking about with vests on and that. So anyway, what I'm saying is, Say if something suddenly happened. - I'm walking about with my top off. - Right. Girls are laughing at me, right? - Why? - Don't know. They might. yeah, go on. So they wouldn't look at your body. They'd all look at your head. - So what I mean is - Yeah? Rewind that and imagine all that happens again - But I've got someone else's body. - Right. - Whose body? - Just some fella who's died. Lpmy body was injured and they said, "we've got a new body in. - You can have it. We'll stick your head on it. " - Yes. They're laughing at you. They're laughing at the body. But at least I'd be able to sort of go, "I know it's a mess, but it's not mine. " At least I don't have to claim ownership. So all of this extraordinary technology That can make a head-- put one head on another person's body Is so you can go, "it's not my body. " - No no, that's not your own. - I'm not being funny. So if you have a body transplant, right, and you're there, You're at home naked, you look down-- Lovely *** and a set of testicles. - Yeah. - Right? What do you do with 'em? What do you mean, what am I doing with 'em? Well, do you like them? Well, you wouldn't mess about with them As much as if they were your own. But if you did mess about with 'em, Would you feel guilty that you were messing about With another man's testicles and ***? - And it's the full body? - Yeah. No, 'cause they're not my hands either. You're a genius. You're a *** genius. So what you're doing is watching someone else ***. Yeah. Oh, chimpanzee that. He's gone and written it down again. That's the ever-changing Jingle for Karl's diary, Excerpts of which we like to read each week. "Walked through covent garden. There were five of them mimes knocking about. I don't understand why people take pictures of mimes. Everyone looks like a mime in a picture. " That's too true. That's really true. If his point is they're staying still, If that's their skill, a picture won't tell that story. That's-- that's absolutely true. "my dad took the cat to be put down today 'cause it kept bumping into things since losing its sight. My mom said she's not gonna get another one. She said the parrot is looking worried as it's seen The budgie and the cat go in the space of three months. " You mom said the parrot's looking worried? What's the-- what happened to the cat then? It gets into a lot of fights. It lost one eye. Then it got into another fight and lost another. - Oh no. - Then it was just walking around mping into stuff. I mean the vet saw it, said, "oh, we can do stuff to keep it alive and all that. " But it's a bit out of order, isn't it, 'cause it costs a fortune. - They shouldn't tell you. - But Mom and dad can't afford to have eyes put on it and stuff. No, you can't have eyes put on a cat anyway. But they said, "oh, we can do something here. " - What? - "we can have its eyes sorted out. " But what I don't think you should be allowed cats. - Why? - Not the Pilkington family. - Why not? - They keep dying. I know, but they have good lives whilst they're still knocking about. It's just that we get through 'em. It's a good job you're not gonna have kids. Oh god almighty. I can't believe it. "a mate sent me a story on email about a bloke in china Who has this weird illness That means he can't have his picture taken. " That's not the weird bit. "If he tries, his body doesn't appear in the photo. " - Don't talk ***. - "He has had group pictures taken And everyone appeared apart from him. " Don't talk ***. That's ***. "The story had a picture next to it of a family photo And it said he was stood at the back, but you couldn't see him. " Right, he wasn't in the picture. - He was in the picture. - No, he wasn't in the picture. They've done loads of tests and stuff on him. They haven't done loads of tests. This is ***. There's no way This is scientifically possible. What's his-- yeah, now he's wanted. Just a white bit of paper up on the police wall. "Have you seen this man?" "What man?" "If you see him, tell us. " "you're talking ***. " "Suzanne watched the film 'you've got mail' tonight For about the 14th time. I don't think you could properly fancy someone Without seeing them unless you're blind. " "I think it's odd when blind people have affairs. " Why is that odd? Just because most stuff is based on looks, isn't it? So you think once they've found someone, they're happy with them, - Stick with them. - But no, that's not truth. What do you mean most things are based on looks? What I mean is, when you first meet someone and that-- Well, initially it's only looks 'cause you don't know them. - That's what I'm saying. - But that's a ridiculous thing to say, isn't it? Well no, it's just what I think. I'm not saying that that's like fact or anything. I'm just thinking if you're blind, why mess about? You're still basing on it if it's only looks - That people find-- what? - Yeah, I'm just saying, So why is a blind person messing about having an affair? Because I'm saying that presumably That blind person isn't basing anything on looks. I just-- all right. I mean it may be that's not-- I mean more like-- Do you want me to cross it out? Shall I cross it out 'cause it's ***? It's just the same way-- I think I put how, you know, People, uh-- I read something in the Sunday paper once With some bloke who was going out with some woman. He ended up going out with her sister who was a twin. If you're gonna have a change, have a change. "spoke to Ricky about trips to the moon. He was up for going just to see what the world looks like. I came up with the idea of a giant mirror on the moon That would reflect the world back. He had a few questions, but I had the answers. " - Yeah. - "he changed the subject. I won. " Right. My first question was how would you get it up there? He said, "bit by bit. " That would be a good mirror then, wouldn't it? I said, "how big would it be?" He went, "you'd still need a telescope. " I said, "how would you get it on the right side of the moon Always facing the right?" he went, "what?" He went, "does the moon move then?" I went, "yes. " And if we don't like the mirror on the moon, We can always wallpaper over it. "it's suzanne's birthday tomorrow so I've got to get her something. I sometimes think it would be best if we didn't celebrate birthdays. I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things. She said something about wanting one of them posh badges to put on her coat. I will look for one later. " I love the fact that around the time That you've gotta buy suzanne her birthday present, You think that birthday presents are a bad idea. "Got up early. It's suzanne's birthday. Gave her the card and present. She was well happy with her posh badge. She wore it to work. " it was quite nice. Quite nice to hear a moment where she was actually happy for once in your company. "They always say when you get someone a present, You should buy them something they wouldn't buy themselves. Daft rule. I want something I would buy myself if I had the money. When I was young, my auntie nora got me a present I wouldn't buy myself. It was a t-shirt with her face on it. "