Shameless S6E9 - English Transcript

(SLURRED) Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express! Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given by Him upstairs and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs. What sounds on Earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face? Cos this, people reckon, and me included, is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented to calm us all down and stop us going mental. These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials. We are worth every penny for grinding your axes. You *** on our heads, but you pay the taxes. Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers who'd come on your face for the price of a beer. Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now! This programme contains very strong language with scenes of violence and of a *** nature. (LAUGHS) Scatter. Party! (Shane) I used to fall over on purpose when I was little. I loved having stingy stuff on my cuts. Hugs. A brand-new Mr Men plaster. When I picked off my scabs to get more TLC, Mam sussed us out, told me to do me own *** first aid, stopped mothering me. But I realised she was teaching us a lesson. You've got to be a big boy, look out for number one, right? But what happens if you can't take care of yourself? One day, Chicken Licken was playing under an oak tree when suddenly an acorn fell on his head. Poor Chicken Licken didn't know that it was an acorn. He thought the sky was falling down, so he hurried off to tell the king. This is serious! *** Mimi! *** Kelly! (MIMI) There's a queue out here. Yeah, I won't be long. I've got a bladder full of beer. Sink. Empty it first, though. KNOCK ON DOOR ***'s sake, Paddy. Sleepwalking? Improvising. Your father's moved into the bathroom. Oh, you can tell number-one son's moved back home! I have to *** in Yvonne's yard. Oi. Get a move on. I want us all there when they bring our Shane out of his coma. I'm not sure I can be there. You what? What if he doesn't wake up? What if he'sspecial? He'll be fine. The doctors said there was low levels of brain activity. We didn't need a scan to tell us that. Be a man and do as you mother says. Right Please, God, our Shane won't wake up a cabbage. But if it's His will . . we stay strong. OK? Right. Chop-chop, upstairs. Get ready, quick as you can. BABY CRIES Shh. Oh, Danny. She's crying! Slow-hand, your sister! Sorry, don't know that sort of crying. It's not her "hungry" cry, so I can't feed her, it's not her "change me" sound, and she slept all through the night, so she can't be tired. Poor little thing. Where is everyone? No molester (SLOW-HAND) Debbie's doing her homework. (COMPUTER) *** off. Carl's getting ready for his footy match. And, erm Dad's doing some housework. Right, fetch everyone now, family conference. All right, all right, listen up. I've called us all together because your daughter's got thrush. Are you OK with this being discussed? Not me! Stella. She's got a mouth infection. Someone's not been sterilising her bottles. She'll end up in social services. I rinse 'em! I rinse 'em! We'll get her some antibiotics to clear it up, but this can't happen. It's up to us to look after her now. Look, I've drawn up this rota. Whoa, whoa, noise, noise What's all this "us" and "we"? Gallagher, Gallagher, Gallagher benefit of the doubt Even Speedy Gonzales there, but you, ***'s it to you?! Dad No! She loiters, scraps off our table, her mate's done one. Why is she still here? You need to lookafter Stella properly. You're talking to a professional! I've raised more kids than Barnado's. DOOR OPENS Wake up, bruv! Please don't be soft! I'm just gonna get some fresh air. (MIMI) I'll keep watch. He movedI think. There. I'll fetch the doctor. Shane? Can you hear me? (VOICE ECHOES) Oh, my baby. Shane, it's your mam. Say something. Kelly Hiya, kid. How's the loaf? It hurts. Then there'sdo do I can't move my hand. What's wrong with me? ENGINE REVS All right, Norma! Even Danny can hear that one. I'm away, then. OK. For good, like. Take it easy. Can you open this for us? Aye. Thanks. Are you off, then? Do you think I should stay? If I had to stay out here for as long as you have, I'd want to go home. But this This is my But this This is my See ya. Don't like it! Stop mucking around! Eat it! Be a good girl for your mum, Katie. She's looking pretty for you, too. She's got a bit of colour in her cheeks. Has she been on her jollies without telling? Yeah, all right. I'll replace it. I don't mind. It's just, it's decent stuff, and a little goes a long way. I wanted to try something darker. Joe goes on at me looking anaemic. I wouldn't put up with that. I don't. I fancied a change, that's all. Who let you in? Your cleaner. I told her I had a mad urge to snog me girlfriend. Morning, beautiful. Big game today, innit?Oh, aye. We're gonna get stuck into this lot. Have you been on a sunbed? Out of a tub. You know, trying a new look. Well, I think she looks great. Oh, sorry. Totally missed my cue there, didn't I? (PATRICK) Thanks, Doctor, I appreciate it. You won't win Brain Of Britain, but you're coming home. They need the bed. You remembered what happened, don't you? You're not gonna have a Bourne Identity?No. (SLURRED) Me and Kel, we were conning married men. He's getting mixed up. Youfooled 'em and I I robbed 'em. Onecame and punched me. You *** devious tart, I should have known! Drop it, Mimo. This is between me and her! Are you OK?Fine! This *** heartburn. This is mad. We should be celebrating. Oh, I will. And so will my son, without you. He's coming home to get some proper care! Ican look after him. Are you gonna feed him? Wash him? Speech therapy? Physiotherapy? Big difference dressing as a dirty nurse and wiping a dirty ***! That's enough. I'm giving her a chance to walk. I know she's thinking about it. I'm just nipping out. Be nice! Aaah! I'm telling you, boss, stick us up front and keep playing me balls, like, er, over the top and I'll run all day, me. Speed, creatine and ***. Reckons it'll make him more potent in front of goal. I'm lovingthe commitment, Carlos, but you might want to stick to more traditional methods of conditioning. Karen? Have you got a sec? Microwave, full power for a minute. Ta. Pre-match meal for the lads. I'm not *** eating that! You are eating it. I'll do it. What's he like? ***! You reckon? Captain of the footy team! Big, *** mick, calling all the shots. Says "jump" and you jump. Or else Or else, what? Er I dunno Play you leftback. CHEERING Nice one! Wey-hey! Jonesy Good man. Local custom. He who jacks the bandit *** off! What if he stays like this? He can't walk, can't talk. People try not to look as he drags himself along the street. He will get better. It's just gonna take time. And help. Listen, I didn't exactly grow up dreaming of emptying colostomy bags all day. Some patients really need your help. Can't do it theirselves. Well, apart from the perverts who *** themselves just to get a bed bath. ***, aren't they? You can do this. Your job's all about taking care of people. Just see it as another personal service. Anyway, I'd better get back before management sub-contract me job out at twice the cost. Oi! Watch where you're *** going, all right? *** you! Easy, bruiser. You'll give me a heart attack. Miss the target, you'll give yourself one. You can't find a decent vein cos they've UV lights in here to stop 'em showing up. You could always try your eye. Or your ***. Depends how much you need it. Or them, I suppose. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. And let you collapse a vein? Can you imagine your missus? AS MIMI:"My Paddy dead on the bog, needle hanging off him, "and you *** knew he was using. " You're enjoying this, aren't you? You're enjoying this, aren't you? Not really. Come here Looks like you got a bubble. It makes no odds to me! I just wanna check you're doing it right. You should tell herMimo. Give her a chance to fight for you, cos when you need smack, no way can she compete. Shane's coming back with me. Find a way of squaring that with his mam. Fine. Give it here! And you let him do his own thing outside the family. No taxing. OK. It weren't a bubble. Syringe is cracked - it's useless. *** off! Where are you going? What am I supposed to do? It depends how desperate you are. You could always neck it, wait for it to work Very funny. I need it now. Give us ten bob. (INHALES DEEPLY) > ALARM BLARES (LAUGHS) Fire alarm, all visitors have to do one. I'll be back soon. Be brave, son. Where the *** hell have you been? You're soaking wet! Devious slag! There you go. Are you all right? Cheers. That's all right. Let's get you comfy. Pillows - up or down? Up, I reck You've been on your back more than me this past week. What's matter? It'sbollocks. I'm a *** retard. Shh! Don't say that. Look at me! I can't I can't even talk. What if What if I can't get better? You're gonna get right. You're gonna get right. You don't know that. I chuffing well do, cos I'm gonna fix you. I can do this. You just need to trust me, OK? Beer's off. So? Change it. So? Change it. Can't you do it? Everything all right? Everything all right? Fine. Fancy going out tomorrow night? It'll be good for me to get out of here, go for a dance and a proper chat. go for a dance and a proper chat. Yeah, I'll run it past Joe. Why? What's it to him? Why? What's it to him? He might have summat planned. Won't hold my breath, then. What's that supposed to mean? You don't always have to do what Joe says. I know, Karen. I'm just saying I'm just saying Well, don't bother! Iancan you mind the bar for a minute? Yeah. I can't breathe. My heart's going likethe *** clappers. Am I gonna die? Am I gonna die? Could you try? Then we could get this match abandoned instead of having to start a man down. What the *** is that? Right! Ten minutes to kick-off. DOOR OPENS Yeah, all right, ref. I won't be a sec. If you're looking for Jamie If you're looking for Jamie I'm not here to see him. Well, we're just about to kick-off. Well, we're just about to kick-off. Well, you can go when I'm done. You won't get everything your own way, tough guy! Right, whatever, Karen. I know what you've been up to, and it stopsright now. You've lost me. You don't think I know why Mandy slapped all that fake tan on her. Listen to me Whatever you two have been yapping about Listen to me Whatever you two have been yapping about She said nothing. She doesn't have to. Ah So it's all in your head, then, is it? This is what happens when you've got too much spare time. You need to get laid. Take your hands off me! I'll scream and Jamie'll be here I'll scream and Jamie'll be here Oh, what? Him! VOICES AND FOOTSTEPS He's always the last out. Superstitious. I'll chase him up, yeah? All right, then, yeah. ***'s sake, Joe! It's getting cold out here, mate. What the *** are you doing? What the *** are you doing? Just warming up, mate. My hamstring's tighter than a banjo string. Just give us a sec. I'm gonna go for a ***. I'm gonna go for a ***. Hurry up, mate. The ref's gonna start without you. DOOR SHUTS ***! That were close. How did he get bored of that? *** prick. What?! *** off! Do you want a go at me now, an' all? What do you think I am? I don't think I know. Touch Mandy again I would never hurt Mandy. Never! *** me, people in glasshouses. You what? You what? You heard. I've seen the way you treat Jamie, nipping at his head all the time. The lad's a shadow of And I don't think you can really make threats now. Horsey, horsey, don't you stop Just take your feet down to the beer shop A couple of Es and a bucket of ale Don't give a toss if you haven't got a tail Round and round and the wheels go round ♪ (Woman) Hello! > What? Hello? > *** All right! You always were a grumpy *** in the morning. Ru! What are you dressed like a politician for? I run the yard now, got to distinguish myself from the drivers. Oh. Jeez. Well, can I come in? Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry I'm still in me What are you doing? It came loose. Fine! I'll put it back. No Shane's flown the nest. It's time I started looking after the ones under me nose. Good to have you back, Jamie. Well, let's hope it's not for long, eh? Moving back here at my age. It's not exactly progress. Do you want to go home? I don't I don't want itruining it for us. It won't. Sometimes ***'s sent to test us. Get through this, we'll get through owt. And we will. I promise. KNOCK ON DOOR Got a sec? Practise your "P" sounds, eh? Puh, puh Puh Puh. Fancy giving him a break? Backlog. I just want to get somewhere so he don't lose heart. Let me crack on for a bit. Puh. All right. I've got an idea. We're gonna play a little game of blow footy. Watch the lips. I want you to put the ball between the p-p-p-posts. Use what's left of your imagination. Puh Puh Puh, puh, puh. Puh. Puh. Puh. Again. Breathe. Puh. Puh. Go on. Puh. Go on. Puh. Puh! Puh. Let me help the girls out for a bit. No, *** One more go, come on. OK. Go on, big shot. Puh! Go-o-al! (SHE LAUGHS) I *** love your heart, Shane Maguire. Diddo. Ditto. Right. Right. Let's do some work on your Ts, eh? Kettle's boiled. Sorry. Like what you've done with the place. Ah, it's my mother's old stuff. Never quite got round to throwing it away. Home from home! Oh, I'm not that far, actually. That's me regular gaff over there. What's going on? Nothing. Everything's grand. I'm justbetween Between what? Lives, I suppose. Did you love her? Probably too much. She *** off, of course. Lately, I just don't know where I'm supposed to be. I'm like the *** on the shoe of this family and they try and scrape us off, but I'm always *** there, you know, lingering. I don't know why I'm still *** there. You're not ***. This tea, on the other hand, almost certainly is. Come on. Let's go back to my place, brew a decent cuppa, get you fed. Have a shower, maybe. You're amongst friends, mate. Cheers. That's "*** off"? Lillian! *** off yourself! Skinny bint! > So what's "*** me", then? You're living rent-free at his place and you're charging him for babysitting? Well, it's a full-time job. And you don't give a toss where the money's coming from, or about him. I think you need to buy this old man a drink, son. Mark it. Mark what? I have never been so proud of you. Oi, Carl! Erlager, please. (Jamie) All six goals came from us messing up. We just switched off. As for *** here You can't blame me. I wasn't even on the pitch! Any thoughts from the captain? It's obvious what the problem is, mate. Spineless. No fight. A bunch of *** ***. *** off!Problem, Carlos? Joe Finally! A reaction! A bit harder on the pitch, and less hard-ons off. Don't! My chub's only just gone down! LAUGHTER Fancy doing summat tonight? Don't want to put you out. You're not. Be good to get away from here for a bit. Get me mam to mind Katie. (THEY LAUGH) Not even a text to say he'd slept OK, asked after us. Selfish ***! I'm sorry, am I boring you? Just tired. You're always tired. He's only been there a day. Poor girl's probably got her work cut out. It's not right. Sons need their mothers. (THEY SPIT) hat the hell are you doing? Speech therapy. He's re-learning how to make "tuh" sounds. Already got him "peeing". Making a fool of him? I'm making him better. If the boy's improving Why are you siding with her all of a sudden? Just trying to keep the peace. Whenever you want home, your ma's hotpot in front of the box, just say the word. If he can pronounce it! What's with t'face? I justrealised you're only doing itdoing this to get one over on me mam! No! I'm not. OK, I wanted to prove a point, but I want you to get better! Because you can't stand seeing me like this! No! I've got feelings! Sorry for me I don't want your . . *** pity! Sorry, I dozed off. You must have needed it. Anything? What? No. Just checking the time. But no messages? No. Well, you've done well for yourself, Ru. Luck, not design. A fella bought it at auction and then didn't have the cash to see it through. It's nice. Oi! You're the only person to ever call me Ru, do you know that? A fella in the office did for a while, but I nipped it. So, when did you come off the lorries? I was never a bull-***. Driving weren't for me. Kept getting me nails caught in the pallet! Eh, it's funny how things turn out, eh? Things haven't turned out like anything. Life's a work in progress. You can always make changes. What? You're gonna give me a heart attack, or yourself anamputation! Sorry. It's just Shane's ***'s taking the ***. And your dad's on her side. Jamie can't stand to be here. It's like it's open season on me. It's not. You say anything to please people. No, I don't! You don't know nothing about me! How I'm feeling, who I'm with. You haven't got a clue! Twist the knife, son! I'm not having a go, butwill you stop feeling sorry for yourself? You're supposed to be our mam. Yeah. You're right. And while I'm here, that junkie's giving my Shane rehab! I brought him into this world, I can give him life again! Nobody loves a son like his mam. Ever talk to me like that again and you'll be gargling with your testicles, right?! Right! Baby step KNOCK ON DOOR Oh, my baby! Oh, my baby! Almost there! You think that's making my son better?! Sake! Shane's resting. On the *** floor!I'm taking him home for some normality! Very normal, your house(!) Get that in order before you come round here cussing me! You're a smackhead slag! Living in a *** knocking shop! How's hubby doing?You pull me up for neglecting Shane while your man's wasting away in front of your very eyes! He's got a bug. And I'm Mary Poppins! Nice to *** meet you! Take the blinkers off, Mimi! You poisonous ***! I'm gonna *** kill you! He's a smackhead! That's why he's so wasted. I seen him. I had to help, he was so desperate. You think you're all that. Mother *** Superior! Your family's in bits! Maybe you should take a look in the mirror. Enough! I've got a spare room. You could move in here until you get yourself sorted out. Or longer. I don't think I'm ready for that, Ru. It's a bit I'm not proposing. There's no civil ceremony on the cards! Just trying to help out. No strings. Why are you doing this? As I recall, when we split up, you weren't too happy. You popped me cherry. At least, me *** cherry. It was a bit of a confusing time. I know I behaved like a ***. Haven't we all? You've nothing to worry about. I don't believe in love. It becomes a dead weight round your neck before long. I look after me, these days, and if there's a bit of something along the way, then . . all the better. . . Three. I know I've been a numpty. And pushy. I just wanted you back faster. I'd love you if you were lame, mute, and seeing ten of me. Two is more than enough! So are we mates again? I forgive ya. *** off! Let me have a "fit" in peace, will you?! Sh-sh-***! I thought you were with Shane. It's not what you think. It's not what you think. I'm sick of hearing lies. It wasn't my fault. Don't get high on your own supply - golden rule. That's what separates us from them. I *** up. Never went to Spain. Never even got on the flight. They shafted us. Stuck a hood over my head. Tortured me. On our remaining children's lives. I want names. They're long gone. Very convenient! Very convenient! They tricked me. Pumped me full of smack till I was hooked. And tossed me on the streets with this *** curse! To remind me of how stupid I was. Drug dealers don't shove needles in the competition for no reason! Pleasebelieve me I don't know anything any more. Don't know who me kids are. If they're happy or not. Why? I don't know what *** you're in, but you're clearly lying. I'm not. I don't know who I am. When did I become surplus to requirements? Is this my fault? Am I to blame? No. Jesus, no! So what do you make of Joe, then? Really? He's nice. You weren't saying that yesterday! Said he was bossing me. God, how strong is that?!Karen! Considering my current circumstances, I am not really the best judge. Come on! Bloke free night, remember? Whoooo! DANCE MUSIC PLAYS MOBILE PHONE BEEPS Anything important? It's just Liam. Wants to knowif I've seen the remote for the telly. Cheeky ***. You know what you were saying earlier about not believing in love? Did you mean that? You're born alone and you die alone. Anything else is just a romantic notion. Maybe. But living with no hope Look after number one. You don't need to rely on hope. I'm not the world's greatest optimist, but that's a bit of a cold outlook. Kept you warm enough earlier on. It's like shutting down a whole area of life for yourself. You're not replying?! Well, I know where it is. DOOR OPENS Not now. I'm not here to fight. I said some stuff you just don't say to, like Me. Yeah. Well, the mother-in-law, kinda. I went too far. Sorry. Is he in? And does he know that you know? And does he know that you know? Oh, yeah. It's for the best. You don't want to do this by yourself. *** gobshite! None of your business. Keep your voice down. Don't blame her. At least she had the bottle to say. Where are you going? Where are you going? Just let me do it my way. I'll wean myself off. Christ! I hate this as much as you. But I've been away too long. Rivals are circling, and I can't stayat home waiting for this to pass. We've survived worse than this. There is no worse than this. This family needs you. This family needs you. I won't be long. Fine, go. But don't come back. Go to bed, Paddy. You can sleep through it. You need us. Think about it. You know how this ends. Should I let the *** go? He's trying. There's still a chance. There's still a chance. He's had his chance. I know you feel betrayed, but all the time, you see, you're stewing, it's time wasted. You can help him. But you have to act now. LAUGHTER Right, this way. Oh, man down. Oh, man down. ***'s sake! Right Right Jamie, fetch her a brew. Good night, then? You? Nah, it was quiet. Did you miss us? Obviously. Obviously. I bet. So, Joe, when's our next match? A week Saturday. Why, are you gonna pop down? Will I get to come in the changing room? No fun otherwise. No fun at all. Their *** aren't exactly Premiership standard. Who's looking at the arses? Behave. Gonna make me? What?I'm only messing with him. You're all right with that, aren't you, Joe? Yeah. You two get off. I'll see to her. What, you? Right, I think we should call it a night and go back to mine. Maybe I should stay. See you tomorrow, Karen. Yeah. Rightlet's get you upstairs. *** off! I can walk. Hey Put your arm round me. You got a diary full of appointments? No. I'm going home. Eh? Where? To them. To the kids. You happy just to be a doormat? There are moments. Tiny, maybe, but good ones. Like to leave my gear in the yard, though, just in case. You're always welcome. The only place Stella actually settles is The Jockey. It doesn't mean you have to sit in there all day *** away the housekeeping! It's a business, not a shelter. What are we gonna do for food? How are we gonna feed Stella? With my money. From the lorries. I'm home. Oh, yeah. Norma left. I love you. I'll even put up with his ***, because my heart is here, and that's what matters. I think you'll find names on leases matters more, legally. All I'm asking for is a shelf in the fridge, some space for me *** round the bath andmaybe a bit of sensitivity now and then. In return, I'll chip in a quarter of me take-home. I've got a12. 30 kick-off. BABY CRIES We missed you. "Missed you. " God, you're easily bought, son. 'We all need a hand every now and again. 'Some more than others and' 'Some more than others and' You're getting there. '. . whether we like it or *** not' ***! '. . whether it's having straggly little bits of hair held up when we're throwing up '. . being, like, hugged when we feel ***. 'Nobody can get by on their own. ' Go and find somewhere else to work. Says who?Karen Maguire. Licensee. You'll have to buy me out. They want to see you and Mum. How? Last warning. It's just distracting seeing you in Monica's gear. A toast. To?Your new partner. Sleeping partner. Can I come in, please?Rodney. Hiya, Mum. So you've never had a girlfriend? So you've never had a girlfriend? GROANING