Squatters - The series - #1 - It starts with a bet

They can't do this! Pretty sure they just did. This is serious Hank. Serious-ly stupid! Knock it off! Alex, let's just ignore it. Pretend it got lost. (WHAM) Seriously? Seriously. We're always on time! Correction, YOU'RE always on time. We have got to fight this Hank! I consider myself more of a lover than a fighter. Man this sucks! I bet we could live like rockstars if we didn't have to pay rent. That's the best idea EVER! Yeah right. Like they're gonna let us slide for a few months? C'mon man. What could they possibly do? (WHAM) STOP DOING THAT! I did not see that coming. Now what are we gonna do? You said it yourself dude, "NOT pay rent." Where we gonna go genius? Dude, it's New York City. I bet we could find a million places to crash! Not without harassing every single one of our friends. I accept that challenge. Yeah right. I bet you a hundred bucks that you'll be couch surfing by tomorrow morning. Double or nothing says you're checked into The W within the hour! Hey, I was a cub scout. I slept with a brownie! Ooookay. So you can't pay for housing and you can't stay with friends- And you can't leave Manhattan. WHAT?!? That is totally not a rule. It is now. What about Brooklyn? What about it? Well technically it's- NO! I know you have family in Brooklyn! FINE! Our next lease says I can make it longer than you. Excuse me? Did I stutter? The whole thing? Security deposit, first and last month and one year of rent. You're on! Yeah? YEAH! BRING IT! One quick question... Where are we staying tonight? ♪ ♫ ANNOUNCER: In the city that never sleeps... ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ Hank and Alex are looking for a place... ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ...to sleep! ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ They made a bet to live rent free... ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ But what they didn't know... ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ is what it would cost them! ♪ ♫ 3 Rules: No paying for housing... ...No staying with friends... ...And you can't leave Manhattan! 2 wiseguys... 1 stupid solution to a housing problem! Squatters (subway chime) Good Morning! Shut up! Don't be a baby! That was the best night of sleep yet! ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ Five more minutes? Can you hand me Roper's "The Invisible Homeless"? G-damn it. Where's my igloo cooler? Oh yeah, some guy took that. You got mugged? Ummmmm... You were supposed to be on watch! I saved the rest of our stuff. My wallet was in there!!!! Dude, you're blowing this way out of proportion. My Return of the Jedi snowglobe is gone!!! I got mugged! AND GAVE THEM MY STUFF! It's not like a wrapped your crap in a bow and said, "Here ya go scary homeless guy." GIVE ME ALL YOUR STUFF PRETTY BOY! Shhhhhhh!! ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ I'm the victim here! Just go to the bank & cancel your cards. Fine! Awww, don't be mad. It's part of our bet dude. NO! Our bet was live rent free, not ruin Alex's life... ...and NOT donate Chewie to the first bum that scares you. Who you calling bum, HOBO! Don't start with me! This is life on the mean streets Alex... We can't afford luxuries like Wookiee knickknacks. Oh, knickknacks...THAT'S IT! (fighting noises) Okay, okay, time out! TIME OUT! Not the jacket I have to go to work! Alright. TIME IN! Okay, okay, stop! Time out again! Not the tie...anything but the- Not the ***! NOT THE ***! Did widdle Hank woose the fight? You know the ***'s off limits! Apologize to Chewie! It's an erogenous zone. Ooooooow! I'm sorry Chewie! In Shyriiwook! RRRrrruurgh! Arrggg! Dude, if you need me to spot you, or... You know it's not the money, man. I just didn't know by homeless, we meant- Homeless? Yeah. I'll see ya later. Hey if you wanna quit the bet and forfeit... that's totally cool by me. I'm toootally ready to live in an upper west side condo on your time, buddy... You just let me know. QUITTER! Did Han Solo quit when he was frozen in Carbonite? What does that even mean? ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ (phones rings) I don't know man, I didn't build the thing. Can you hold on? Anderson, Smith and Stein. This is Alex... No man, I already sold the bed. Hold on. You know, I really wanted 3. It IS Egyptian Cotton. Ahem! You know, I'm gonna have to call you back. Did you F him in the A? By which I mean... Did you f*ck him in the ***? Uhhhh...yes? Yeah, but did you reach around? (grunting) Wow! I hope so? GOT TO TICKLE THE BALLS! You know what I'm saying? F*cking play! Just live with that man. Tickle his balls... get in the grundle. Whatever you need to do. You talented piece of ***! What's with the bags? Uhhhh...business trip! Nice! Say no more, say no more... One word: Hookers-in-the-hotel-room. (sex noises) I can get you good discounts... Where you going? Cincinnati? Well Sam, I better get back to this pie chart or I'll be here all night, you know. Yeah, tell me about! Give me a jar of jellybeans... and some wet wipes and I COULD LIVE HERE! (rewind) I COULD F*CKING LIVE HERE! F*CKING LIVE HERE! F * C K I N G ... L I V E ... H E R E! You know what I'm saying? Alright, you! Get back to work. Get back to work! "I'm working already" See ya later, sweetheart. (dials) MACHINE: "This is Hank...it's not my kid. BEEP." Hank, it's me. Look, I don't know what you're up to- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! I APOLOGIZE FOR THE INTERRUPTION! But I think I got an idea. I am not selling any candy for any basketball team. Wanted to see if you had a place for tonight... I'm gonna be at the office if you need me.... I'm gonna try sleeping my way to the top...literally! I am selling my belongings to keep myself out of trouble... and off the streets. I also have a few Heineken and Bud Lite (O.S.) I'll take a Heinie! Oh, yeah! Do you guys have wireless? ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ NOT THE NIPPLES!!! Ha ha! "Whistle while you work..." (Hank tries to whistle) Oh, this is gonna be the best night of your life! (O.S.) Oh mama! Oooooow! Hoo-hooooo! ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ First I'm gonna tag it. Then I'm gonna bag it. Ooooooo....haaaaaaaa! Hold still! Nice! Say no more, say no more...one word... (laughter) Don't hold my hand. Sorry. I just tried it. I didn't want to! (grunting) I'm gonna get your balls. I'm gonna get your balls! Alright, well you...get...back...to...work! (laughter) I'm sorry, one more. Alright sweet cheeks... I'm gonna get...I'm gonna get back to work now... One more of those. One more! You get back to work. Get back to work! (laughing) One more, I'm sorry. It's just the touching my face! Well I should probably get back to this pie chart, Sam. Tell me about it. Give me Skinemax and a personal cleaning lady... and I could live here. You know what I'm saying? I do know what you're saying. STOP! Did Han Solo quit when he was frozen in Carbonite? (subway chime) Wait, wait, wait, WAIT! (laughter) Give me Cinemax and a personal cleaning woman... ...a jar of jellybeans and some wet wipes... ...like some pillows and a... ....a machete and some...pictures of...why are you laughing? Toad Hop. Toad. Hop.