Petergeist

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ All the things that make us ♪ ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ ♪ He's a family guy ♪ MAN ON TV: We now return to JAG. Harm, I found that evidence we need. Now we can finally clear that Chief Petty Officer of all charges. Oh, what's the point? Does anybody even watch this show? Well, yeah, old people. I mean, they--they--they don't really pay attention. They--They just like the noise and the company. Hey, how you doing? How's that hip doing there? Remember the '40s? (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, everybody. I'm just here to let y'all know that movie night's been moved to Joe's place. What? But we--we always do it here. Movie night at the Griffin house is a tradition. Yeah, but Joe just finished putting in his new home theater. It's gonna be tight, y'all. Oh, my God, Joe, how did you do this? I built it myself with supplies I got at the Home Supply downtown. Between you and me, I think Joe's got a little free time these days. I hear he hasn't touched Bonnie in months. Peter, you just whispered that to me. Shh. Here he is. Joe, what a great job you've done here. All right, let's get this started. WOMAN: Thank you for choosing Joe Swanson Theaters. Rocky, please don't go to Mars and fight the Martian. I got to do what I got to do. But there's no oxygen on Mars. Yeah? That means there's no oxygen for him, either. That Martian wants a fight, he'll get a fight. You can't win, Rock! You're 60 years old! Hey, look what Rocky bought me with his money. Freaking Joe with his home theater. Has to top everything I do. Well, tomorrow I'm gonna go to that Home Supply and I'm gonna build an entire multiplex. Well, let's just hope it looks better than that balcony you built. Boy, that was a great episode of Lost. Wasn't it, fellows? Well, at least the show's got the right name. Yeah, I couldn't follow any of it. (BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHS) They don't care for most things. Yeah. Uh, I hate my neighbor, and I want to build something crazy out of spite. Well, I'll take you to our Oneupsmanship aisle. Man, this place has everything. I bet you can even get one of those gay mailboxes. Hello, hello! Right here. Yeah, just right here. Just go ahead and put that right in here. Yeah. Gulp. (LAUGHS) Just kidding. Uh, pardon me. I just bought a rottweiler and I need a sign to warn people how dangerous it is. Well, we have exactly what... Ah, yes, here it is, "One way." So people will know if they step into my yard, there's only one way out. In a body bag from dog injuries. Good day, ma'am. This'll teach Joe to steal my movie night. I'm gonna have my own multiplex theater. I haven't been this excited since I learned how to speak Braille. Hey, bump, bump, no bump, bump, three vertical bumps, four bumps and a square. (LAUGHING) Yeah, I've heard they all look alike. Hey, look what I found. Wow, authentic Native American remains. Peter, I'd put that back if I were you. You may be disturbing a sacred burial site. Hey, look, it's Robin Williams. (GIBBERING) Black preacher voice. Gay Elmer Fudd. (LAUGHING) The more you hear it, the funnier it gets. Want some more peas, Chief Diamond Phillips? Peter, I really think you should put that back where you found it. You know, Brian, I really don't think you should breast-feed the skull. Uh, I'm not breast-feeding. All right, fine. God, you're pushy. Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck. So many nipples. Suck, suck, suck. Oh, I'm Brian. I'm having sustenance. Look at me, everybody. I'm breast-feeding in public even though it's wrong. MAN ON TV: And now back to 1943's Fast Talking High Trousers. Well, isn't this a fine song and dance? Keep your shirt on. Where do you get off making remarks like that? Supposing I say you're a lunkhead? Well, I ain't much for supposing. Well, maybe I'm through supposing Ah, horseradish. Well, aren't you a pocketful of firecrackers? Oh, yeah? You got something to say about it? I'll say plenty. I can't wait to see the expression on Joe's legs when I open my multiplex. I have to say I'm a little concerned about the zoning for... Peter, are you peeing in that skull? No, Lois, I'm getting up and walking all the way to the bathroom and doing it there. Pain in the ***. ♪(THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER PLAYING ON TV) This concludes our broadcast day. The only time of the day I get to try out my Fred Schneider B-52's voice. (MIMICKING FRED SCHNEIDER) Now try to get some sleep out there. Not bad. Getting better. (STATIC BUZZING) Yeah. Uh-huh. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, you didn't see it? Uh, Ross and Rachel got back together. It wasn't that great. What the hell was that? Stewie, what are you doing? They're here. Who's here? The TV people. What? No, they did a spin-off. Um, he's still playing Joey, but, uh, it's not doing so well. Uh, Lois, have you noticed some spooky things going on ever since Peter brought that skull into the house? No. What are you talking about? Well, like the whole business last night with the TV. I'm just saying, maybe we have a poltergeist. Brian, there's no such thing as ghosts. It's all just... (GASPING) Oh, I must have accidentally stacked all those things upside down and then just forgot about it. Yeah, that's probably what happened. I haven't seen this much denial since John Travolta married Kelly Preston. John, do you take Kelly to be your wife? I totally do. I mean, yeah, yes. Absolutely. And I- I'm going to do stuff to her, too, like, touch her. Yeah, touch her and, uh, kiss her and touch her ***. I mean, no, not that. Not that. Good night, buddy. Hey, what's the matter? I'm scared of the storm, Dad. Why, you know, I think the storm is moving away from us, Chris. You know how I can tell? Here's a little trick. When you see the lightning, you count all the terrible things that can happen to a child, until you hear the thunder. And if you count higher each time, you know the storm is moving away from you. Ready. Okay. Drowning. Getting shot in a drive-by. Lyme disease from a deer tick. Good, good. Getting stabbed in the face. Getting shot in the face. Shot in the face. There you go. I see you're kind of stealing mine, but it's okay. Leukemia. Having a mosquito bite you on your scab. Oh! There's your thunder. Okay, let's try again. Okay. Swallowing a razor blade accidentally. Oh, crap! It's getting closer. Okay, okay, try to think of a happy place to be. Happy place. Uh... Okay, okay, I'm on MTV's ***. Hey, I'm Stewie Griffin, and I'm going to be kicking my dad's *** all day today. (GROANING) What the hell? Stewie, stop, stop! Knock it off! Knock it... Come on! Come on, Stewie. You're acting crazy out there, man. (SIGHING) No! I haven't seen anything suck this much since I Heart Huckabees. Propane. I wish that scary-looking clown at the end of my bed would go away. (SCREAMING) Hey, skinny britches. That there is my man. Why don't you pick on someone your own size? You shall not pass. Stewie? Oh, my God, Stewie, honey, where are you? Peter, I can't find him anywhere. STEWIE: (DISTORTED) Mommy? (GASPS) Stewie? Where are you? Look behind you, you stupid cow! Stewie? Oh, my God! What's happening? Oh, wait, hold on a second. I want to try something. ♪ I remember ♪ ♪ I remember the worry, worry ♪ ♪ How could I ever forget ♪ ♪ The hurt doesn't show ♪ ♪ But the pain still grows ♪ ♪ No stranger to you and me ♪ (IMITATING DRUMS) Thank you for coming. We've never hired a spiritual medium before, but I'll do anything to get my baby back. You know, Peter, we wouldn't have to be messing around with ghosts if you hadn't desecrated those Indian remains. Probably a bad time to mention I'm wearing the skull as an athletic cup. Okay, let's talk to some spirits. Hey, how y'all ghosts doing? Y'all got a little friend of ours named Stewart up there. We was just wondering if you could send him back. Uh-huh. Well, yes, but I... Well, I don't see how that's anybody's business but my own. Well, how about you and my father go and hang out at the gun range some afternoon and you can spend the whole day just agreeing with each other. What are they saying? Is my baby all right? They said that your baby had entered their world through the closet upstairs, and that the exit is... Well, I don't know how else to say this, but the exit is your daughter's bum. Meg's ***! God, this is even weirder than when Bob Costas insisted on getting into the tub with me every time I took a bath. Ah, this will be relaxing. Hello again, Peter, and this is gonna be great. We can talk sports and we can play with your tub toys. Yeah, listen, Bob, this is-- this is kind of my time. Ah, a miniature boat. And if I'm not mistaken, it's a replica of the Gretel II, which lost the America's Cup to Intrepid in 1973. Yeah, uh, I'm going to dry off now. Peter, now that you're getting out of the tub, what will you miss most? You ready down there? Okay, Meg, if this works, then we might just have a chance at getting Stewie back. No. Ready! Okay, here we go. Got it! Cool! *** ball! Peter, it worked! We found the portal to the other side. Peter, what the hell are you doing up there? We're gonna get those terrorists. Now watch this drive. (BOTH SCREAMING) Stewie? Stewie, if you can hear me, head for Meg's butt! STEWIE: (DISTORTED) Have you lost your mind? PETER: And, Lois, get ready to laugh. Get ready to laugh. Gee, must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. (LAUGHING) (WHISPERING) Are you sure Stewie can find his way out? (WHISPERING) We just got to be patient, Lois. Like waiting on the results of a blood test. A real important blood test. (WHISPERING) Will I ever see my baby brother again? Only if he can find his way into the light, Chris. For some people, it's easier than others. Some people just get lost on the way to the light. They're walking along, they stop and say, "Oh, is that a new restaurant?" "That place must've just opened up "'cause I remember there was another place there a few weeks ago. "I went in there once and there was a guy with a harelip eating soup, "and I was like... (GROANING) "It wasn't the restaurant's fault, I know. "But I still never went back there. "I mean, I guess there's only, like, a 1 in 50 chance "of me getting the same spoon that he had, "but I still don't like them odds." (THUNDER RUMBLING) Oh, I can't bear this anymore! If Stewie can't find his way out of Meg's ***, we have to enter the other realm and get him ourselves. Lois, I told you it ain't safe. I'll tell you what's not safe. Going hunting with *** Cheney. So, you all set to go hunting? Sorry, I thought you were a deer. Be careful, Lois. I will, Peter. I don't feel anything! Now she knows how I felt when I was at her piano recital. No, you're doing fine, Meg. Oh, Stewie, you're all right! Oh, thank God you guys are... You're covered in slime. This must be how Tom Arnold felt on his wedding night. (MEG SCREAMING) Holy crap! Let's get out of here. Wait a minute. Where's Meg? I didn't see her. Yeah, I kind of thought you guys would attend to that. Oh, yeah, right. Peter! Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember? If we could only save two, we leave Meg. You ***! How could you leave me in there? She's... Okay, see? It resolved itself. Oh, I forgot one thing. So, no hard feelings? No, no, let's just put it all behind us. You wanna come over for some tea and cookies? Sure. Are you a giving tree or a receiving tree? A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call? Ghostbusters, Tom? No, Diane, their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said. And now back to Disney's Too Many Ostriches starring Don Knotts. There's way too many ostriches. Why are there so many ostriches? The brochure said there'd only be a few ostriches. This is a terrible vacation! So, what was it like on the other side? Well, I met Jesus up there. Wow, what's he like? Uh, believe it or not, he's Chinese. Yup, Jesus is Chinese. In fact, his last name is Hong. Jesus Hong. Says he has no idea where people are getting Christ. Quagmire, you got to help us. We pissed off a bunch of ghosts, and now our house is gone and we got no place to stay. Uh, Peter, this is not the best time. WOMAN: Glenn, are you coming? Yeah, honey, I'll be right there. I'll be right there. Peter, I'm really slammed right now. Can you give me the short version? Uh, what's, uh... What's going on in there? Nothing. (DONKEY BRAYING) So, uh, as you can see, my family's here. And, uh it's--it's game night. We're playing... Sex. A soup kitchen, Dad? Isn't there any other place we can go? We're homeless, Meg. This is where homeless people go. Well, it'll just be good to get some food in us. Hi, welcome to the soup kitchen. I'll just start you off with this basket of pizza crusts and apple cores. Oh, and we do have one special today. It's an avocado pit with a little bit of avocado still on it, and that comes on a ripped pair of boxer shorts. Now, I'm trying to decide between the tossed spaghetti on a newspaper and the half yogurt with the balled-up tissue in it. Hi, there. Do you have any books on how to get rid of ghosts? Have you tried telling them you're ready for a commitment? (LAUGHING) Oh, like a relationship. Exactly. That'll send them running, huh? I like her. Here you go. Maybe this'll help. All right, here it is. "To vanquish poltergeists, one must restore all disturbed remains "to their original resting places." So all we got to do is bring the skull back home and bury it. What are you doing? You said you were using the skull as an athletic cup. I was, but don't you remember, I threw it in the garbage? Oh. No. That's, uh, pretty much just me you're grabbing. That's how my old scoutmaster shakes hands. Boy, this is more awkward than that threesome when the girl didn't show up. So, uh, you definitely left her a voicemail? Yeah. Two. Oh, good, you got the cell, too. Okay, I was-- I was gonna say. (MOANING) Ew! That is vile. I know. I hate myself, but it's so good. (MOANING) Can I help you folks find something? No, we're just browsing. God, I hate it when they pester you like that. Peter! Yes, we need help. We're looking for a skull that my husband threw away. A skull, huh? Then you want the human remains bin. But I should warn you folks, we're pretty cleaned out right now, 'cause Carrot Top comes by every morning to rummage for new props. Well, then we'll just have to pay this Carrot Top a visit. He's funny. Except for that one show he did in Ohio after the airline lost his luggage. MALE ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Carrot Top! All right, you guys look like a good crowd. I hope it goes well, 'cause I don't have my prop trunk. I normally have, like, a--a case with all my little props and gadgets and whatnot, but, it's okay, you can use your imagination, like maybe a piece of luggage that shoots dog biscuits. So, like, if you had, like, weed in your bag and you went to the airport, you could shoot the dog biscuits out, and then the drug dog would be... Would go away from your bags. Kind of if you can imagine the dog... And then, the dog... Man, it's a lot funnier if I had my prop. LOIS: Well, there it is. Carrot Top Manor. So, you having a good time there, Chief Diamond Phillips? Oh, that's funny. He came up with the same thing that... All right, Carrot Top, I want that skull. Who the hell are you? I'm Peter Griffin, and that skull belongs to me. Well, it's hardly just a skull, Mr. Griffin. I put it on my head, and it's a skullcap! Put it with David Duchovny, and it's Agent Scully. You got to appreciate that... Hey, don't distract me. Now, hand it over, Mr. Top. Very well, Mr. Griffin, I'll give you the skull, but you have to catch me first! Looks like you found me, Mr. Griffin. But which one of us is the real king of prop comedy and not just an illusion, huh? That's right, Mr. Griffin. Just a little further. (SCREAMS) (CHORTLES) Sucker. What the hell? How'd you get through the trap door? I found this saw with glasses on it. Oh, that's my see-saw. (LAUGHING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so *** funny! You are so... God damn you for being so funny! Oh, my God! Oh, oh, God. You know what? Here, here, just, you know what? Keep it, keep it. You deserve it. Just take it. No, no, I need it. I need it. Well, Chief, time for you to go back where you came from. Peter, you did it. What the hell? Oh, Peter, I'm so proud of you. Once again you brought our family to the edge of the abyss, and at the very last minute, you saved us all. I love you, honey. And I've grown fond of you, Lois. Let's go home.