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Welcome back to Tool Time.
Our guest today is the 1 994 lllinois
state champion for husband-calling.
For those of you
who don't know what that is,
it is a contest to see
who can call their spouse the loudest.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's give
a big, warm welcome to Deb Selby.
- Welcome to the show, Deb.
- Thanks, Tim.
Can you tell us something
about a husband-calling contest?
A husband-calling contest
is like a hog-calling contest,
only in this case
the hog is your husband.
OK, let me try to get this straight.
Your husband's in the back 40 in the barn,
greasing up a chassis on an old tractor.
You want his attention,
what do you do?
l holler at him like this.
(shouts) Steven!
Hubba-bubba-bubba-bubba-bubba!
Husband, l love you!
Steven, get in here right now!
So how long have you
and (shouts) Steven been married?
sitting up in the audience.
Hey, Steve.
You're married 1 1 years,
you still can't tune her out?
Huh?
l can tune out any woman
as long as l'm watching sports.
My wife can yell in my ear.
l can watch
sports, l can come out with the scores.
Would you like to prove it? Bring out the
sports channel, see if he can tune out Deb.
- What do you think about that challenge?
- Yeah!
Heidi, bring out the TV.
Here you go, Tim.
There you go, Tim.
PGA golf.
(TV commentator)
He's two strokes back on the leader
(shouts) Timmy!
Timmy, Timmy,
Timmy, Timmy, Timmy!
Timmy!
Here, Timmy, Timmy,
Timmy, Timmy, Timmy!
Timmy!
Here, Timmy, Timmy,
Timmy, Timmy, Timmy!
All right, Tim.
Well, what did the announcer say?
What?
The announcer - what did he say?
This always happens to Steve.
He gets a ringing in his ears.
You're not singing in my rear.
Timmy!
Here, Timmy, Timmy,
Timmy, Timmy, Timmy!
Here, Timmy, Timmy,
Timmy, Timmy, Timmy!
Al, who cares
how many nails we got?
To run an efficient business,
you should have an accurate inventory.
When was the last time
you counted everything in this store?
Oh, let's see.
lncluding yesterday, never.
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten
- 1 3, 1 2
- Don't.
28, 1 05, 40.
- What's up, Harry?
- Hey, guys.
How are you doing?
Hey, Mark.
Hi.
So what can l do for you today, Tim?
What?
You still having trouble
with your hearing?
Herring? l hate fish.
When did you start selling fish?
The doctor said his hearing
will come back any day.
We came here
to get a hacksaw blade.
Oh.
Aisle three.
- What?
- Aisle three.
So go pee.
Are the hacksaw blades
where they usually are?
Check out this Swiss army knife.
You know what that thing is?
That's a Swiss army knife.
Wow! lt's got a magnifying glass,
corkscrew, can opener
That's right.
Tweezers and a nail file.
Yeah, for Al's mid-afternoon pedicure.
l'd give anything
to have a knife this cool.
Yeah, me too,
but where are we gonna get 95 bucks?
- We could sell Mark.
- Hey.
Where are we gonna get
the other 90?
Harry, l'll just take this one.
Gotta run -
gotta get the boys to soccer practice.
OK, l'll put it on your tab.
l don't need a cab.
l got a car right out front.
l'm gonna charge you double.
You're right.
Al does look like Barney Rubble.
- Hi, Tim.
Did you get your hearing back?
- What?
- Did you get your hearing back?
- l got my hearing back.
ls Al here?
l think he's backstage.
Do you need your cutters?
- Both sets, please.
- OK.
(imitates Deb) Albert!
Albert, Albert, Albert, Albert!
- What's the matter?
- Nothing.
l was just practicing for next year's
sidekick-calling contest.
Uh, actually, Tim, there's something
l need to talk to you about.
lt's about yesterday.
After you left the hardware store,
l noticed a little something was missing.
Thank you, Al.
l do kind of light up
a hardware store, don't l?
l Actually, you know that Swiss army
knife your boys were admiring?
Yeah.
lt's gone.
You're not suggesting
one of my boys stole it, are you?
No.
But knives don't just get up
and walk off on their own.
Well, maybe Harry stole it.
Why would Harry steal a pocketknife
from his own store?
To collect the insurance.
You know, this was not easy
for me to bring up.
And l turned that store upside down
looking for that darn thing
and the fact is it was there when you guys
came in and when you left it was gone.
l know kids steal things, but my boys
steal from you and Harry? Come on.
Things like that happen.
Let me tell you
a story about my uncle's grocery store.
- l was holding my mother's hand
- This was yesterday?
l was seven years old.
And she went off to look for
the children's appetite suppressant
And
on the shelf there was a cookie.
And l stole it and l ate it.
OK, so you're saying
you think one of my kids ate that knife?
- Hi, sweetie.
How was your day?
- Where are the boys?
Outside.
And how was my day? lt was great.
l went to school.
lt was real interesting.
l came home.
l washed the floor.
l did the laundry.
l had an affair.
- Who are you talking to?
- Evidently myself.
Al thinks one of the boys might have
stolen a knife from the hardware store.
- Why would they steal a knife?
- Not a knife.
A Swiss army knife.
This is the reason the Swiss army
is the force they are today.
lt's got a magnifying glass,
a corkscrew, a toothpick.
ln case they get attacked by wine stewards
with spinach in their teeth?
- ls this funny to you?
- Yeah.
- Boys, come in here.
l wanna talk to you.
- We'll be there in a sec.
You think our boys
would steal from Al?
No, but Al does and he's not
the type of guy who accuses people.
- Yo, Dad, what's going on?
- Settle up for a minute.
Al couldn't find that Swiss army knife.
Any idea who might have taken it?
You know, maybe Harry took it.
To collect the insurance money.
Where do you
come up with these ideas?
Nobody's accusing anybody
of anything, but
if you know anything about this,
this is a good time to tell us what you know.
- l know l didn't take it.
- Me either.
- Wasn't me.
- Brad, you've always wanted one of these.
Yeah.
So has Randy.
lf somebody took it, it was probably him.
You're the thief.
You took Dad's hot rod
magazine with the babes on the cover.
What? The Bevy Of Beauties
From Chevy? You got that issue?
Well, Randy took Mom's
Victoria's Secret catalog.
That's mine too.
Can we get back to the knife?
- Look, we didn't take it.
- How many times do we have to tell you?
Fine.
OK, fine.
Just go back outside.
lt's all right.
Do we believe 'em?
l hope they didn't take it.
They said
they didn't.
l gotta take this upstairs.
Yeah, but do we trust the kids that would
take their dad's Victoria's Secret catalog?
l'm more worried that their dad is the one
getting the Victoria's Secret catalog.
What are you wearing under there?
A beautiful camisole
and a silk thong.
The only reason l buy those magazines
is to read the articles.
You know, if anybody stole that,
it was probably Brad.
Except Randy couldn't even
look me right in the eye.
That's 'cause you
got some schmutz on your nose.
- Schmutz?
- Yeah.
Schmutz.
- What are you doing?
- Dusting.
- ln a drawer?
- Very dusty in here.
Look at this.
You are searching their rooms.
l'm not gonna stand by and let you do that.
That is an invasion of the boys' privacy.
My mother used to do that to me.
l really, really, really hated it.
The way she did it was so sneaky too.
What did she do? Maybe there's
something she did we could use.
No.
lt was really stupid.
l'd catch her looking in my desk drawer
and she'd pretend
that she was putting my underwear away.
No.
lf l start searching their rooms,
l might as well turn right into my mother.
Don't even joke about that.
l am not gonna become a snoopy parent
who doesn't trust their kids.
Tim!
Oh, man.
l keep telling Mark not to
put his dirty laundry back into his drawer.
A lot of guys do that.
Especially guys
who just stole a pocket knife.
No, no, no, no, no.
l'll handle this.
- Hi, Mark.
Having an apple?
- Yeah.
l like apples peeled, but to peel one,
what would you need?
You'd need a knife, wouldn't you?
Boy.
Oh, wait a minute, l got one.
l'll just
peel that for you.
Use this knife here.
Oh, maybe l'll have a banana.
Maybe you'll sit down.
Mark, we found the knife
in your pants pocket.
Why did you do this?
What do you have to say?
Who cares what he has to say?
He stole something then he lied about it.
You let me yell at your brothers
and take the rap.
- You're grounded indefinitely now.
- Tim, wait.
Before you start doling out the punishment,
l think we should discuss this.
l'm with Mom.
You stole from my best friends.
They're like family.
- ls this how you treat these guys?
- Dad, l'm sorry.
- Forget about sorry! lt doesn't work.
- Stop yelling.
l've a right to yell.
My kid's a rotten
little thief.
That's what you've turned into.
Wait a second.
Where are you going?
l'm not finished.
How could you do that?
You called your son a rotten little thief.
- That's what he is.
- He is not rotten.
He's never done anything like this.
You didn't have to scream, you scared him.
Maybe that's good.
Next time he thinks
about stealing, he'll think twice about it.
l hate when you do this.
The kids do something, you overreact
- No, you underreact.
- l do not underreact.
You go overboard.
- You go underboard.
- There's no such word as underboard.
Since when are you the only one
that makes decisions here?
l thought we did
this parenting thing together.
Somebody had to deal out punishment
and it wasn't gonna be you.
l see.
So you deal out the punishment and
l'm the one who has to stay and enforce it?
You wanna work together?
That's your part.
- That's the stupidest thing you've said.
- So what do l do? Quit work, stay home?
Just think about what you say
before you say it.
And if it's not the right thing to say,
then don't say it at all.
Could you say that again?
(knock at door)
- Can l come in?
- No.
Honey, l want to talk to you.
Look
What you did was wrong.
But your father came down on you hard
and l thought you might be upset.
l'm not upset.
Well, l'd be upset
if somebody yelled at me like that.
My dad used to yell at me like that.
He was an army colonel.
He was trained to yell so you could hear
him from one end of the base to the other.
Randy, can you leave us alone
for a few minutes?
But it's my room.
l'm trying to tell Mark a story
from when l was a little girl.
l'm outta here.
Hey, hey.
Not so fast.
Come on, talk to me.
- l don't want to talk.
- Well, OK.
OK, then l'll just sit here with you.
l could tell you about the time
that my father yelled at me
'cause l was trying to sneak out of the
house in a skirt he thought was too short.
lt was way longer than any of the skirts
my friends were wearing,
except of course, for Darlene Mayberry,
but she had really chubby knees.
(chanting in Japanese)
- Wilson.
- (continues chanting)
Wilson, could you stop singing
and talk to me for a second?
Well, hi-ho, neighbor.
Happy Tako Age.
Happy Yokohama to you.
What's with the kite?
Today is the Japanese festival of Tako
Age, which means ''big kite-flying day.
''
According to legend, a master of
a 1 6th century Japanese castle flew a kite
in order to celebrate
the birth of his son.
Yeah? What did he do
when his son committed his first crime?
Pardon?
l'm not gonna pardon him.
What in the world
are you talking about?
l'll tell you what.
Mark got caught stealing
a pocket knife from Harry's hardware store.
l got angry with him.
l really didn't like this.
Jill got mad at me because l yelled at him.
l told him he was grounded for life.
That seems like harsh punishment.
l look at it as the stronger the punishment,
the less likely the kid will do it again.
Tim, many people subscribe to that theory,
but l'm reminded of the great Nietzsche.
Wow.
What a linebacker.
Green Bay Packers.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Not Ray Nitschke.
l'm talking about
Friedrich Nietzsche, the philosopher.
- Sure.
Freddy.
Yeah.
- Yes.
Nietzsche said that punishment often
increases the feelings of estrangement
and strengthens
the power of resistance.
l think what
influenced me more was Fisk.
l didn't know you were a fan of John Fiske,
the English historian.
l'm not.
l'm talking about Carlton Fisk,
the White Sox catcher.
He said if you get caught stealing,
throw him out.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, guys.
- Where's Mark?
- l don't know.
He was supposed to meet us,
but never showed up.
l told him
to come straight home after school.
Dad, the kid's
a convicted hardware criminal.
- They're unpredictable.
- Come on, guys.
Let's make some calls
and find your brother.
Come on.
Yeah.
Pete's Pets?
Hi, this is Tim Taylor.
l was won Thank you.
Hearing's fine now.
OK.
Yeah, we all love Al.
That's great.
l've got kind of a serious issue here.
l'm looking for my son.
Yeah, we bought a hamster there
a while ago.
l'm looking
How big is he? About the size of my hand
with a little tail on there.
Oh, Mark? Yeah.
About 4'1 0'',
shaggy blond hair, no tail.
He hasn't been by there at all? OK, but if
he stops by will you have him call me?
- Thank you.
Goodbye.
- Where's Mark?
He didn't come home from school,
but there's no reason to be concerned.
Oh, my God.
Are you saying he ran away?
We don't know.
He's not at school or his friends',
or the police,
the hospital or the pet store.
- Well, then where is he?
- (phone rings)
Hello.
Yes.
Oh, thank God.
He's OK.
Really?
OK.
We'll be there
as soon as we can.
- Bye-bye.
- Well?
He went to the hardware store
to apologize.
Well, that's great.
That's my boy there.
Your boy doesn't wanna
leave the hardware store.
All right.
He doesn't wanna leave the hardware store
because he's afraid of you.
So even though it was
only one cookie that l stole,
the point is
l, too, succumbed to temptation.
You understand, Mark?
l think so,
but what's an appetite suppressant?
Something his mother
obviously never found.
- Hi, honey.
- Hey, Mark.
Hi, Mom.
Listen
We'll just be in the back.
lf a customer comes in, give us a call.
Thanks, guys.
Hey, Mark, let me
talk to you for a minute.
l'm not gonna yell at you.
l'm really sorry l went nuts today.
- But what you did really upset me.
- So you must really hate me.
Come on, Mark.
No, l really, really love you, all right?
lt's just
lt's just certain things
really, really set me off.
- Excuse me, do you have any mops?
- Can't you see l'm talking to my kid here?
Could you give us a few minutes?
Go get some coffee or something?
ls there a coffee place in the area?
What - do l look like Juan Valdez here?
ls she Colombian? Do you see beans?
Here.
Just take this.
When you or your brothers
lie or cheat or steal like this,
it makes your mom and l feel
we're not doing our jobs.
Part of our job is to make you see
the difference between right and wrong.
l know it's wrong to steal.
Then why did you take the knife?
l don't know.
l thought
lf l had the knife,
Brad and Randy would think l'm cool.
l'm really sorry l did it.
We know you're sorry.
Coming here
showed that.
lt took a lot of guts.
Which is why l spoke to the governor and
we commuted your sentence to two weeks.
Thanks.
Unfortunately, we found you haven't paid
your state income tax for the last 1 1 years.
- Dad, l'm only ten.
- Hey, that's the government for you.
- Bye, guys.
- Bye, guys.
Thanks.
- Oh, well, OK.
- (Jill) You want to get some ice cream?
(Mark) Yes.
- What's the matter, Al?
- Someone stole a mop.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
- You were searching their room.
- No, l wasn't.
l was looking for my issues
of my hot rod magazine.
*** Babes and Buicks?
Another fine volume
from your reference library.
Something of yours in here too.
That's my recipe
for tuna and lima bean casserole.
Why would they hide that?
lf it were me,
l would have burned it.
What else of mine
have they got in here?
Mom.
What are you doing?
Putting your underwear away.
ln the desk drawer?
Yes.
lt's something my mother taught me.
This way, if you're doing your homework
and you realize that
you're not wearing any underwear,
then you don't have to walk
all the way to the dresser drawer.
Come on.
l can't believe you What?
A little blithering thief What?
l'm sorry.
l really couldn't keep up
the ''little blithering thie' thing.
- l l didn't think that
- (Tim) What was wrong with it?
- Blithering thief.
l just can't
- OK, let's get right back into it.
