Red Eye Recorded Mar 13, 2014, Fnchdedit

>>> TONIGHT ON "RED EYE." >> COMING UP ON "RED EYE" HOT MODELS. SHOULD WE STOP TAKING THEIR PICTURE AND START ASKING QUESTIONS? WHY THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA IS SO AFRAID TO LEARN WHAT THEY REALLY ARE. AND WHAT DO THEY THINK OF HIS LATEST BOOK TITLE COMPARED TO THE LAST ONE? >> I LIKE IT IS EDGE YES, SIR. >> AND HOW DOES HE PREDICT THE BOOK WILL END? >> IT IS A NAILBITER. >> AND FINALLY, JELLY BEANS. DELICIOUS CANDY OR WORLD'S DEADLIEST CHOKING HAZARD. NONE OF THESE STORIES 0* "RED EYE." >> NOW LET'S WELCOME OUR GUESTS. DON'T GO CHANGING TO TRY AND PLEASE HER. YOU HAVE LET HER DOWN BEFORE. DUE TO HER IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS AND UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS AND ADDICTION TO WINDOW CLEANER, JOANNE. AND HE MAY CRACK A SMILE, BUT PROBABLY NOT BECAUSE HE IS A SAD, SAD, SAD, SAD, SAD, SAD, SAD, SAD, SAD, SAD, SAD MAN. TV'S ANDY LEVY. AND HE IS SO SOPHISTICATED HIS MONEY GNAW -- MONICLE HAS A MONICLE. AND HIS 16-YEAR-OLD GIRLFRIEND DISAPPEARED UNDER A CLOUD OF CIRCUMSTANCES. NO BIG DEAL BECAUSE SHE WAS A RUN AWAY ANYWAY. NO ONE WILL MISS HER THOUGH. AM I RIGHT? AND JESSE JOYCE PERFORMING AT THE COMEDY CLUB IN PORTLAND, OREGON. ROAD TRIP. >> A BLOCK. THE LEDE. THAT'S THE FIRST STORY. HEY, GREG, IF YOU WERE ON THE [INAUDIBLE]. >> IT IS DAY I LOST COUNT OF -- >> JUSTIN BIEBER IS AMAZINGLY TALENTED AT BASKETBALL, BUT A LITTLE SHY ABOUT IT. ACTUALLY HE IS AS BRAGY AS HIS PANTS ARE SAGY. THE 20-YEAR-OLD TWERP UP LOADED A VIDEO ON INSTAGRAM, WHATEVER THAT SDISPLAYING HIS SWEET SKILLS IN A ONE-ON-ONE GAME WITH HIS MANAGER, SCOOTER BRAWN. I THINK HE IS A NAZI. NO, LET'S TAKE A LOOK. >> YES. I AM NOT SURE WHAT IS BETTER, JUSTIN'S DRIBBLING OR SCOOTER AS ACTING. THIS IS JUST WHAT BIEBER NEEDS. MORE ADULTS ENABLING HISSELF ABSORBED ANTICS. CAN WE SEE IT IN SLOW MOTION? IT IS NOT THE FIRST TIME HE HAS POSTED A BASKETBALL VIDEO TO INSTAGRAM. WHO CAN FORGET THESE EARTH SHAKING MOVES. >> I LOVE THAT FACE. CAN I SEE IT AGAIN? >> HE TRULY IS AMERICA'S VOMIT. JESSE YOU SPENT YEARS AS A BUSBOY AT DAVE AND BUSTERS AND IT GAVE UH KNACK FOR SPOTTING ATHLETIC TALENT IN THEIR TEENS. IS HE REALLY THAT GOOD? >> TO PUT THE RUMORS TO REST NEXT WEEK THEY SCHEDULED A HOMERUN COMPETITION WITH SHOE LESS JOE JACKSON AND A RAP ALBUM WITH MILLIE-VANILLIE. HE PER SON GNAW FIES THE CANADIAN NOTION. IT IS A SIGH MULL TAN YEN SUPERIORITY AND INFERIORITY COMPLEX AT THE SAME TIME. THE ATTITUDE IS LIKE I AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU AND WHY DON'T YOU GIVE A [BLEEP]? >> THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE SAID -- HE SEEMS TO BE A BOTTOMLESS RECEPTICAL FOR LOVE AND ADORATION. IT FLOWS THROUGH HIM LIKE AN EMOTIONAL DIARRHEA. WILL, IS IT MORE DISGUSTING FOR HIS MANAGER, A GROWN MAN WHO HAS TO VOLUNTARILY FALL DOWN FOR A RICH KID, OR IS HE FALLING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK? >> THAT'S THE THING. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO LAUGH AT THE SCHMUCK. THERE ARE LOTS OF PEOPLE THAT GET PAID TO LOSE A GAME. LOOK AT THE KNICKS. >> I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY THE WASHINGTON GENERALS. >> I MADE A MORE TOPICAL JOKE. ARE THEY BAD? >> I BELIEVE THEY ARE BAD. AND THEY ARE BASKETBALL. JOANNE, YOU DATED BOTH POP STARS AND ATHLETES. THIS MUST MAKE BABIER YOUR DREAM MAN. >> I JUST WISH HE WAS PRESIDENT WEARING A SHIRT. HE IS USUALLY TOPLESS. THAT WOULD HAVE MADE THIS MUCH MORE EXCITING. HE HAD A MATCH AGAINST SHAQ AND AGAINST USHER. IS THAT RIGHT? SHAQUILLE O'NEIL, THAT'S WHAT WE CALL HIM? IT SOUNDED WEIRD. >> THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL HIM IN PRIVATE, JOANNE, YOU RACIST. >> THEY LET HIM WIN WHEN HE WAS A KID, I GET IT. BUT NOW HE IS OLDER. UNLESS HIS MANAGER SAID, ALL RIGHT, I WILL DO THIS VIDEO FOR YOU IF YOU HAVE LIKE FIVE MINUTES OF NOT BEING A PROBLEM BLEEP -- A] BLEEP [BAG. A TRADEOFF. >> WILL HIS PERFORMANCE AFFECT YOUR MARCH MADNESS BRACKET? >> NOT IN THE LEAST. I THOUGHT THE FLOP WAS THE FIRST PART. THEN IT WAS THE HALF HEARTED OH FROM THE POSSEE. BIEBER DID THAT AND THEN THEY FORGOT. THERE IS A DELAY. AND THEN ONE GOES OH. YOU KNOW HE ELBOWED THE ONE NEXT TO HIM AND THEY ROLLED THEIR EYES AT EACH OTHER AND WESHED THEY WERE DEAD. THIS IS WHY HE IS THE WAY HE IS. HE IS SURROUNDED BY YES MEN. THEY WL NOT STOP HIM FROM DOING SOMETHING STUPID AND WILL FEED HIS PITIFUL EGO. HE NEEDS TO HIRE SOMEBODY WHOSE JOB IS TO SMACK HIM IN THE FACE WHEN HE IS BEING A D-BAG OR DOING SOMETHING STUPID. THAT'S HIS ONLY CHANCE. >> HE IS SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO ARE AFRAID TO TELL HIM WHEN HE IS MAKING MISTAKES. ENOUGH ABOUT PRESIDENT OBAMA. >> SEGUE. >> BY THE WAY, IF EVA BROWN'S NAME WAS SCOOTER IT WOULD HAVE AN ADORABLE. >> YOU KNOW WHO IS AT FAULT? IT IS SAW -- IT IS SELENA. SHE BROKE HIS HEART. EVERYTHING HE DOES IS TO SAY I AM STILL HERE. HE IS GEARING UP FOR AN APOCALYPTIC MELT DOWN. >> MY FIRST THOUGHT IS, IS HE ACTUALLY THAT BAD AT BASKETBALL? THAT ACTUALLY LOOKED GOOD TO ME. FREQUENT VIEWERS OF "RED EYE" MAY NOT KNOW THIS, BUT I AM NOT ACTUALLY AN ATHLETE. ACTUALLY IN HIGH SCHOOL I WAS THE CAUTIONARY EXAMPLE OF THE KID WHO QUIT THE SPORTS TEAMS AND TURNED TO ALCOHOL AND DRUGS. NOW I AM ON ON TV. >> YOU WERE SOMEBODY WHO WHEN YOU WENT TO THE BEACH YOU WORE A SHIRT IN THE WATER. >> YOU STRIKE ME AS A MAN WHO WEARS STILTS THERE. >> SO WHAT IF I DID? >> WHICH IS SO CUTE BECAUSE THEY SINK DIRECTLY INTO THE SAND. >> I TRIED SO MANY WAYS. >> WILL STRIKES ME AS THE GUY WHO STRETCHES BEFORE HE PLAYS CHESS. >> IF ONLY I KNEW HOW TO PLAY. >> YOU STRIKE ME AS THE GUY WHO BUYS YOUR STUFF AT CHESS KING. >> YOU USED THAT JOKE BEFORE. YOU STREAK ME AS THE GUY MOST LIKELY TO WEAR A PURPLE SWEATER AND USE THE PHRASE BOTTOMLESS RECEPTECAL. >> I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS STORY AND ENOUGH OF JESSE. WE ARE ASKING HIM TO LEAVE. ALL RIGHT, IT IS FURRY AND FULL OF FURY. A FAMILY IN PORTLAND, OREGON, AREN'T THEY ALL? THEY CALLED 9-1-1 AFTER THEIR CAT ATTACKED THEIR 9-MONTH-OLD BABY AND FORCED THE COUPLE TO HIDE IN THE BEDROOM. HAVE A LISTEN TO THE 9-1-1 CALL. >> 9-1-1. >> I HAVE A PARTICULAR EMERGENCY HERE. IT HAS GONE OVER THE EDGE. WE AREN'T SAFE AROUND THE CAT. IT IS A LARGE HIM LAY YEN AND WE ARE TRAPPED IN THE BEDROOM. HE IS CHARGING THE BEDROOM DOOR. >> ONE MOMENT. >> DO YOU HEAR HIM? >> YES, I HEAR HIM. KEEP YOUR DOOR SHUT. >> TELL THEM TO BE CAREFUL. PLEASE. >> I WILL. >> VERY RARELY DO YOU LAUGH ON A 9-1-1 CALL. THE COPS CAME AND THEY SUBDUED THE FUR BALL AND NOW THE FAMILY WANT TO GET IT HELP. THE FAMILY'S OTHER TWO CA YOU KNOW, IT IS FUNNY. THE CAT SAYS HOW DO YOU SLEEP WITH THAT THING ON? ANDY, I WILL GO TO YOU FOR NO REASON IN PARTICULAR. WHAT SHOULD YOU DO IF A CAT FLIPS OUT LIKE THIS? IT MUST HAVE HAPPENED TO YOU OFTEN. >> YOU SHOOT THE [BLEEP]. >> OH. >> DON'T THINK I AM A CAT LOVER? >> NO, BUT A MAN WHO USES FOUL LANGUAGE. >> I AM THAT. THE BEST PART OF THE 9-1-1 TAPE IS AFTER YOU HEAR THE CAT GO RAR HE SAID I THINK THAT WAS THE CAT. REALLY? A REAL ROCKET SCIENTIST. >> HE COULD HAVE HAD A SOUND MACHINE. >> I THINK THAT WAS THE CAT. >> JESSE, YOU ONCE CALLED 9-1-1 WHEN YOU LOCKED YOURSELF IN A HOT TOPIC BATHROOM. WAS THAT EMBARRASSING WHEN YOU CALLED. >>> IT SURE WAS. I ONCE LOCKED MY KEYS IN MY TRUNK. THAT WAS A FOOLISH EXERCISE IN STUPIDITY AND DRUNKENNESS. >> SORRY ABOUT BRINGING BACK THE MEMORY. >> I DIDN'T HAVE ANY FOLLOW THROUGH ON IT. >> IT KEPT YOU FROM DRIVING. >> A LOCKSMITH IS A 24 HOUR JOB. SO IS A TRIAGE SURGEON. A LOCKSMITH 24 HOURS A DAY HAS TO HELP PEOPLE GET THEIR KEYS OUT OF THE TRUNK. >> BUT THEY MAKE GOOD MONEY. >> AND YOU ARE SO GRATEFUL WHEN YOU SEE A LOCKSMITH. >> HE CAME IN HIS JAMMIES. SORRY, GAY. SORRY, GUY. >> TALK ABOUT BITING THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU PORK RINDS. COME ON. >> LIKED IT WHEN YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT A LOCKSMITH. >> I KNEW IT WAS A WEAK JOKE. >> WILL, THIS IS AN INTERESTING STORY TO ME. I TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE. I DON'T THINK 9-1-1 CALLS SHOULD BE PUBLIC. WHEN EMBARRASSING THINGS HAPPEN YOU ARE LESS LIKELY TO CALL. WHAT SAY YOU? >> WHAT SAY I? GRIE WIER -- >> WIERDO. >> THE DAD SHOULD BE -- NOT TO BE GENDER NORMATIVE, BUT THE DAD SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED IN HIS FAILURE TO TAKE DOWN THE HOUSE CAT. THAT WILL NOT WORK WELL WHEN THE MAN SON FAMILY ARRIVED. >> "IN COLD BLOOD." >> THERE YOU GO. >> WE ALSO READ, WILL. >> I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE. >> WE HAD THIS DISCUSSION AND YOU DISAGREE. YOU BELIEVE HAVING 9-1-1 CALLS PUBLIC AND ON TELEVISION COULD KEEP YOU FROM DOING CERTAIN EMBARRASSING THINGS. IT IS A PERVERT PRE -- PREVENTER. >> YES, BUT I DO WANT TO GET ON TV MORE. I HAVE TO WEIGH IT OUT, HOW EMBARRASSING IS IT? HIALAYAN CATS ARE DOCILE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG HERE. IT IS INTERESTING THAT THE FAMILY IS GETTING THIS CAT THERAPY. IF THEY WERE HOUSING A FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT IN THEIR HOME AND IT ATTACKED THEIR NEWBORN, THAT PERSON WOULD BE BEHIND BARS. THE FACT WE GIVE ANIMALS SECOND AND THIRD CHANCES IS BEYOND ME. >> MORE IMPORTANTLY THEY ARE NOT GETTING THE KID THERAPY. THE KID GOT ATTACKED BY THE JOHN GOOD MAP OF CATS -- GOODMAN OF CATS. >> HE WILL HAVE A COMPLEX FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. >> AN ADORABLE CHILD. >> THERE IS QUESTION WHETHER THE CAT IS PROVOKED. >> BLAME THE KID. >> I AM NOT SAYING IT IS THE KID, BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN. BABIES ARE LITTLE TERRORISTS. >> THEY REALLY ARE. >> A LOT OF TIMES WHEN ANIMALS ACT LIKE THAT IT IS BECAUSE THEY WERE MISTREATED. >> MY ONLY POINT IS, I AM GLAD THE CHILD IS OKAY, BUT 9-1-1 CALL SHOULD NOT BE PUBLIC. WHAT IF IT WAS SOMETHING EMBARRASSING? YOU WOULD RATHER DIE, LITERALLY, THAN DIE OF EMBARRASSENT IN. YOU MAY HAVE FALLEN ON SOMETHING AND CAN'T REMOVE IT BECAUSE YOUR ARMS ARE TOO SHORT. >> OR TIED. >> OR TIED. I AM NOT GOING TO CALL 9-1-1. >> THE BEST THING IS WHEN YOU DO CALL AND THEY SAY, OH, HEY GREG. >> IS THIS STRETCH ARMSTRONG OR GI JOE BECAUSE WE HAVE TO FIND OUT WHAT TOOLS WE NEED. >> STRETCH ARMSTRONG IS BAD BECAUSE WHEN YOU TRY TO EXTRACT IT, IT IS REALLY -- YOU HAVE TO GET IT BY THE FRONT. >> IT IS A PRANK TOY. >> THAT WOULD BE SO EMBARRASSING WHEN YOUR HOUSE BOY HAD TO CALL 9-1-1 AND SAY A GUY IN A PURR EL EL -- PURPLE SWEATER TRIED 20* ASPHYXIATE HIMSELF BY HANGING HIMSELF FROM THE BOTTOM DRAWER OF A DRESSER. >> BECAUSE YOU ARE SO LITTLE. >> YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE DO USE LOWER -- TALL PEOPLE -- MY POINT IS, IF YOU ARE IN TROUBLE YOU WILL NOT MAKE THAT PHONE CALL. PRECISELY MY POINT. YOUR POINT IS CORRECT DESPITE TRYING TO INSULT ME. >> SUCCEEDING IN INSULTING YOU. >> SHOULD WE PAY FOR THEIR PROTECTION? IT IS THE SUNT -- IT IS THE SUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S -- >> "RED EYE" DEBATE, 2014, LIVE FROM THE" RED EYE" DEBATE CENTER. >> WELCOME TO TONIGHT'S "RED EYE" DEBATE. I AM GREG GUTFELD. THE UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA, YOU KNOW WHERE THAT IS IS HOSTING ***-MANIA. IT IS DESCRIBED AS A FESTIVAL OF FREE FOOD AND FREE GAMES AND FREE PRIZES AND FREE LUBE WHERE STUDENTS CAN LEARN ABOUT PROPER *** USE. SAFE AND EFFECTIVE FORMS OF BIRTH CONTROL. AS IF THEY NEED IT. A SEXY EVENT FOR SEXY CO-EDS, MAYBE. IT IS FUNDED BY TUITION FEES AND TAXPAYER CONTRIBUTIONS AT A TIME WHEN UVA IS SHARPLY REDUCING FINANCIAL AID UH SIS STINS. >> I DIDN'T THINK THAT WOULD PAYOFF. >> HE WILL NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN. >> WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE. >> IF ONLY IT DISAPPEARED AS QUICKLY. >> THEY CUT FINANCIAL AID, BUT THEY PAID FOR THINGS THE COLLEGE STUDENTS ALREADY KNOW. >> IT IS DEPLORABLE. I AM BEING SERIOUS. THEY RECEIVE OVER $100 MILLION IN TAXPAYER MONEY AND THEY ARE CUTTING FINANCIAL AID. A FEW OTHER THINGS, ONE, NOBODY USES CONDOMS AFTER HIGH SCHOOL. >> THAT IS NOT TRUE. >> LET'S MOVE ON. >> LET'S NOT DO THAT. >> AGAIN, WE ARE IN DENIAL ABOUT IT. >> ARE YOU SAYING YOU HAVEN'T HAD SEX SINCE HIGH SCHOOL? >> MY GIRLFRIEND'S PARENTS ARE WATCHING. >> YOU HAVE REALLY IMPRESSED THEM SO FAR. CAN I TAKE THIS BACK ON TRACK? WE ARE GETTING AWAY. >> YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S PARENTS WOULD SAY I WOULD BE HAPPIER IF HE DATED THAT COMIC. >> THAT'S LOW. SOME OF THE CLASSES HERE ONE OF THEM -- >> I'M SORRY, WILL, WE ARE OUT OF TIME. >> SHOULDN'T THE REAL OLYMPICS BE ABOUT FINDING A JOB? IT IS NOT ABOUT SEX, BUT WELDING . >> IT TURNS OUT WE HAVE A FEW MORE MINUTES. >> THIS IS PREPARING THEM FOR OUR CAREERS. MAYBE SEX WORK IS THE ONLY THING THEY ARE QUALIFIED FOR. >> YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. I WISH I GOT INTO THE BUSINESS. YOU SCHOOL PREPARED ME. THE UNIVERSITIES AND COLLEGE CAMPUSES HAVE A BUNCH OF THESE SORTS OF FARES. INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE HEALTH PROFESSIONALS AND LEADERS AT THESE OLYMPICS. ONE OF THE STUDENTS THERE, SHE SAID ON FACEBOOK THAT NO ONE WAS THERE. THEY WERE SITTING AROUND WITH CONDOMS ON THEM. AND THAT'S WHAT THE EVENT WAS. THAT'S A WASTE OF MONEY. >> ARE STUDENTS BEING TAUGHT ABOUT SAFE SEX IS LIKE TEACHING ORANGUTANS ABOUT FECES. >> I LEARNED THAT. I HAVE TO START THROWING THEM OUT. >> THEY ARE NOT QUITE AS STRONG SO GIVE THEM A TRY. >> THIS WAS A THREE-HOUR EVENT. TWOS -- IT WAS THREE HOURS TO TELL COLLEGE KIDS WEAR A *** IF YOU ARE GOING HAVE SEX. >> WE NEEDED A STORY BECAUSE IT IS A SLOW NEWS DAY. >> CONDOMS WERE DONATED BY A COMPANY CALLED GLOBAL PROTECTION CORP WHICH IS A COMPANY MIKE BAKER OWNS. >> WE HAVE RUN OUT OF TIME. SO I GUESS THAT'S ABOUT IT. SORRY. YOU BLEW IT. >>> HOW MANY CELEBS HAS SHE BED? IT IS DAY WHO CARES OF -- WELL, LYNDSAY LOHAN, MY EX, ALLEGEDLY MADE A LIST OF FAMOUS DUDES SHE SLEPT WITH AND LEFT IT AT A HOTEL BAR. THE LATEST EDITION OF IN TOUCH MAGAZINE OBTAINED THE LIST OF HER *** CONQUESTS AND IS PENNED IN HER HAND WRITING. IT INCLUDES JAMES FRANCO, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, ZAZ -- ZAC-EFRON, THE UNI-BOMBER. IT WAS HER PERSONAL CONQUEST LIST. SHE WAS TRYING TO IMPRESS HER FRIENDS AND THEN TOSSED IT ASIDE LIKE SO MANY LOVERS. >> NOT A KISS. >> REALLY? >> I THOUGHT IT WOULD END BADLY. >> YOU ARE A DIRTY SWEATY MAN. WHY ISN'T YOUR NAME ON THIS LIST? DID THEY BLUR IT OUT? >> THE MALL HAS A STRICT POLICY ABOUT NOT HAVING SEX WITH LYNDSAY LOHAN. THE UNI-BOMBER AND THAT'S WHY IT WAS SCRAWLED ON A COCKTAIL NAPKIN. DID YOU SEE THE LIST? IT IS A PRINTED LIST. IT IS LIKE A TAX FORM. IT IS LIKE HER 401K. I THINK SHE IS PLANNING ON WRITING ALL OF THOSE DUDES OFF ON HER TAXES SO SHE CAN GET A DEDUCTION ON HER VELTRIX. >> I LIKE HOW YOU STUMP -- STUMBLED THROUGH THAT. JOANNE, HAVE YOU EVER MADE A LIST LIKE THIS? TWITTER FANS WOULD LIKE TO KNOW. IS ERIC NIES ON IT. >> NO TO BOTH OF THOSE. IF THERE IS ANYTHING I LEARNED IN MY SEVERAL YEARS OF BARTENDING IS NEVER TRUST A BARTENDER. THEY GOT THIS SUPPOSED LIST FROM THE BAR SHE WAS AT. YOU DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS HER HAND WRITING. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS LIST WAS. IT PROBABLY WAS A LIST OF EVERYBODY SHE SLEPT WITH AND HER HAND WRITING. HER DOCU-SERIES ON THE OWN NETWORK DID NOT DO WELL. I AM ROOTING FOR HER. >> THIS COULD BE WHAT HER CAREER NEEDS, A LIST OF MEN SHE SLEPT WITH. >> YES, IT NEEDS SOMETHING. A LITTLE SPICE. >> HALF OF THESE NAMES WERE BLURRED. SPECULATE WILDLY WHO THEY COULD BE. >> HENRY KISSINGER, THE LATE PATRICK MOYNAHAN. I HAVE WRITTEN TWO JOKES. I KNOW WE ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE FUN OF THESE PEOPLE, BUT COULDN'T ZACH EFRON USE A HIT? >> AREN'T YOU GOING TO READ THE JOKES? >> YOU ARE STEALING MY SPOTLIGHT . >> AND WE ARE OUT OF TIME. >> WHO IS BRAGGING ABOUT SLEEPING WITH WILBUR VALDERAMA? WHAT IS THIS 2003? >> GUTTED -- GOOD ONE. >> BY THE WAY SHE LOST HER VIRGINITY TO VALDERAMA. IT IS A COMMON FACT. THAT'S WHAT HE DID IN HOLLYWOOD WAS DE FLOWER THE START LETS. AND LOOK WHAT THAT DID TO HIS CAREER. SHE FILLED UP THE LIST EASILY. >> WE SHOULD POINT OUT THIS IS UNREST IN LOHAN AND LET'S STOP SAYING SHE ACCIDENTALLY LEFT THE LIST AT THE BAR. OH LOOK WHAT ACCIDENTLY LEFT MY HAND AND LEFT AT THE BAR. AND LET'S BE HONEST THIS IS THE LIST SHE REMEMBERS. THE ACTUAL LIST HAS TO BE 10 TIMES. >> MEMBERS OF CONGRESS, EXOTIC ANIMALS. >> COULD BE DANIEL PATRICK MOYNAHAN. >> NO, HE WAS A GREAT MAN. HE WOULD NEVER STOOP TO SUCH LEVELS. >> SHE IS AT A BAR. >> MAYBE SHE IS TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF IN RE-- IN REHAB. >> THIS HAPPENED IN JANUARY OF 2013. >> DO YOU SEE HOW BLURRY HER HAND WRITING IS? >> YOU OWE ME AN APOLOGY. >> I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE SENSITIVE WITHOUT REHAB. >> WOW. >> IT LOOKS LIKE JOHN TRAVOLTA'S TO DO LEST. >> YOU MEAN A LIST OF PEOPLE'S CAREERS HE WANTS TO HELP? >> ALLEGEDLY. >> WE HAVE TO GO. COMING UP, THE C BLOCK. TONIGHT'S C BLOCK IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE CLOSEST STAR TO THE SUN. INSIDE THE G CLOUD. >> YOU'RE WELCOME, GREG. IT TAKES FOUR YEARS FOR MY LIFE TO MEET YOU. COME ON, GREG. BOB BECKEL CAN'T BE THE ONLY IN YOUR LIFE. >> THAT'S RUDE. >> WHO IS THE GREATEST FICTIONAL PRESIDENT EVER? IT IS THE STORY HANNITY >>> SOME PARENTS ARE GETTING CARRIED AWAY. I GUESS THE PUN WOULD WORK IF YOU KNEW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. IT IS A DECISION TO PRESENT "CARRIE, THE MUSICAL." DO YOU SEE THE CARRIED AWAY THING AND HOW IT CONNECTS? IT WAS ADAPTED FROM STEVEN KING'S NOVEL AND CONTAINS MATURE MATERIAL. THE SCHOOL BOARD SAID IT WILL EMIT ANY PARTS FROM THE SCRIPT. ARGUING THE MUSICAL FOCUS ON BULLYING AND THE DANGERS OF READING STEVEN KING NOVELS. JESSE, I HAVE TO ASK WERE YOU IN MUSICALS IN HIGH SCHOOL OR WERE YOU BUSY MUTILATING NEIGHBORS' PETS? >> I WAS IN MUSICALS IN HIGH SCHOOL. >> I FIGURED YOU MUST HAVE BEEN. >> I DID "OKLAHOMA." >> DID YOU PLAY A TREE? >> NO, I WAS A COWBOY. THEY DID PROMISE IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT FROM THE MOVIE. THIS TIME EVERYONE IN THE HIGH SCHOOL WILL GET MADE FUN OF. >> I GUESS. WILL, DID THE SCHOOL BOARD MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION HERE? >> ON ONE LEVEL I LOVE THIS. IT IS A GREAT KIND OF BAD MOVIE, BUT WHACKED OUT. IT IS FUN. TEENAGERS SHOULD WATCH IT SM I KNOW HOW HIGH SCHOOLS WORK. YOU KNOW HOW SHE KILLS EVERYONE, WUT THEY WILL HAVE IT SHE GOES TO COLLEGE AND DIVERSITY MAKES US AWESOME AND SHE WORKS FOR UNICEF. >> THE BULLYING WON'T BE LIKE IT WAS IN THE MOVIE. >> IT IS SEXTING AND TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT AND SEND ME A PHOTO. >> ARE THESE PARENTS UPSET THEIR CHILDREN ARE WASTING THEIR FUTURES ON A HOBBY THAT WILL NEVER GET THEM JOB SECURITY IN THE FUTURE? THEY ARE USING THE PLAY AS A EXCUSE? >> HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A STAGE MOM SCORNED. WASN'T THAT GOOD? >> I LOVE DICKENS. >> I LOVE THAT. THE STAGE MOM. MY DAUGHTER DIDN'T GET THE LEAD SO I WILL BOYCOTT THE SHOW. THERE ARE WORSE MUSICALS YOU COULD DO. IN HIGH SCHOOL I PERFORMED IN " CHICAGO" WHICH IS ABOUT A BUNCH OF WOMEN WHO *** THEIR HUSBANDS IN *** CLAD OUTFITS. AND THERE WASN'T A STINK ABOUT THAT. >> AND WASN'T PIPPEN -- PIPPEN WAS ABOUT CANNIBALISM. >> DID WE ALL KNOW "CARRIE" WAS A MUSICAL? >> IT LASTED A WEEK ON BROADWAY AND IT GOT HORRIBLE REVIEWS AND CLOSED. YOU HATE IT WHEN I BRING UP FACTS. >> WASN'T FIDDLER ON THE ROOF ABOUT A CHRONIC MASTURBATOR WHO LIVED ON THE TOP OF HIS HOUSE. >> THAT WAS DIBBLER ON THE ROOF. >> THAT WAS A KENNEDY COUSIN. >> SHOULD SCHOOLS GET RID OF MUSICALS COMPLETELY TO AVOID THIS CONTROVERSY? >> NO, BUT THEY SHOULD GET RID OF MUSICALS SO PEOPLE DON'T HAVE TO SIT THROUGH THAT. >> YOU HATE MUSICALS. >> I RESPECT THE OPINION OF THE PARENTS WHO THINKS A BLOODY PROM MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR HIGH SCHOOL. EVERYBODY BACKS DOWN THESE DAYS SO I, DO IT. >> THAT WAS A STRONG COMMENTARY. YOU WERE FAIR AND BALANCED ALL IN ONE. >> IT WAS A PROM COVERED IN BLOOD. >> AT THE END OF CARRIE -- >> I I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. >> WHEN I HEARD IT WAS A MUSICAL ABOUT CARRIE I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT A YOUNG HORSE TRYING TO MAKE A IT IN NEW YORK CITY. >> THAT TOOK A SECOND, BUT IT WAS WORTH IT. >> FROM YOU AN ASPIRING HACK YOU RIDE FREE ON AMTRAK. AMTRAK IS ACCEPTING APPLICATION FOR RIDER RES RESIDENCY PROGRAM THAT WILL PROVIDE A FREE ROUND TRIP TICKET ON ON A LONG DISTANCE TRAIN. UP TO 24 PEOPLE WILL BE ACCEPTED . A PASSION FOR WRITING AND AS SEPARATION TO TRAVEL FOR INSPIRATION. YOU CAN BRAG ABOUT HOW YOU DUPED AMTRAK INTO GETTING A FREE TICKET FOR YOUR STUPID, STUPID WRITING. DO YOU SEE THIS AS A STUPID PROGRAM OR A STUPID PROGRAM? >> I AM TOTALLY APPLYING TO IT. >> YOU GET SMASHED IN THE CAFE CAR AND THINKING ABOUT HER. >> ALSO THE PROBLEM IS SO AMTRAK WILL REVIEW THESE WRITING SAMPLES. A BUNCH OF GOVERNMENT TRAINED BUREAUCRATS. I THINK THAT'S HOW WE GOT ARRIVE MAGAZINE. >> THE PERSON WHO WROTE THE AMTRAK -- >> SNOB, SNOB, SNOB. EVERYBODY HAS TO BE EDUCATED. JESSE, WE SUBSIDIZE THE WRITERS AND NOW WE SUB SUBSIDIZE THE RIGHT ERS. IT IS A MASSIVE FEDERAL SUBSIDEE. >> HOSPITAL THEY BE NOT GIVING AWAY STUFF WHEN WE ARE PAYING FOR THEM. >> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE GUYS IN THEIR FANCY TRAINS. BUT THEY TAKE A LOT OF BUSES AND THERE IS A LOT OF RIDING ON BUSES. EVERY TIME I GET ON ONE I AM NEXT TO SOMEBODY WRITING FOUR PRESCRIPTIONS FOR OXYCONTIN AND MAYBE A SUICIDE NOTE. >> I WRITE ON THE BUS. THINGS LIKE I AM WATCHING YOU AND DROP IT ON THEIR LAP GOING TO THE BATHROOM. >> I AM GREEN SO USING MY OWN FECES MEANS NO PEN OR PAPER. >> IS THIS SOMETHING I CAN BLAME YOUR NASTY GENERATION ON AS WELL AS OBAMA IS AND THE JEWS ? >> MY GENERATION IS SO SMART. IT STARTED WITH TWO GIRLS. WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF YOU OFFER A RESIDENCY FOR WRITERS? AMTRAK RESPONDED, WE CAN WORK SOMETHING OUT AND THAT IS HOW THIS BEGAN. DO I THINK THIS IS PUSHING IT A LITTLE FAR? MAYBE. POWER TO THEM. I LIKE THE BOTTLES OF WINE YOU CAN BUY. >> I LIKE GOING TO BALTIMORE. >> YOU DON'T HAVE TO WATCH THE WIRE. JUST WATCH AMTRAK. ANDY, I CAN SEE YOU ON A A TRAIN FOR A LONGTIME, FAR AWAY. MAYBE NOT EVEN RETURNING. >> I LOVE TRAINS. TRAIN TRAVEL IS FANTASTIC. >> I THINK THIS IS A DECENT CHANCE THIS WILL RESULT IN MORE TICKET SALES. THERE IS NOTHING MORE EXCITING THAN WATCHING A WRITER AT WORK. PEOPLE WILL BE RIDING THESE TRAINS THINKING I COULD BE ON A TRAIN WITH A WRITER AND WATCH HIM STAIR OUT THE WINDOW AND GET DRUNK AND THINK ABOUT HER. >> THAT'S THE LIFE. >> ALL RIGHT. I DON'T CARE. I HAVE TO PROMOTE A BOOK. WE HAVE MORE STUFF ON THE WAY. WE WILL TAKE A BREAK. MY BACK COMES OUT ON TUESDAY. IF YOU HAVEN'T ORDERED IT YET, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME? DO YOU NOT LIKE ME? I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS SHOW FOR SEVEN YEARS. IT COMES OUT TO A PENNY A SHOW. 31 CITIES, 11 DAYS. A PENNY A SHOW, PEOPLE. HERE IS A LOOK AT WHERE I AM GOING TO BE. YOU HAVE CHANGED IT? ALL RIGHT, STOP YELLING AT ME. I AM GOING TO BE THERE. I CAN VISIT ME. G GUTFELD.COM AND FIND OUT WHERE I AM GOING TO BE. >>> IS THE BEST MOVIE PRESIDENT SELF-EVIDENT? IT IS TIME FOR TONIGHT'S -- >> "RED EYE EYE" DEBATE, 2014 LIVE FROM THE" RED EYE" DEBATE CENTER. >> I AM GREG GUTFELD, HOST OF THE "RED EYE" DEBATE. WE APPRECIATE IF YOU REFRAIN FROM USING FLASH FROF FEE FROM FROM -- PHOTOGRAPHY. J -- WHY IS HE ALWAYS A LIMB? THEY RANKED HARRISON FORD JAMES MARSHALL AS NUMBER ONE. OTHERS IN THE MIX INCLUDED MORGAN FREE MAN IN "DEEP IMPACT." MARTIN SHEEN IN THE WEST WING AND KEVIN KLEIN AND BILL BE BOB THORTON IN THE WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. "LOVE ACTUALLY." JESSE, RUT PRESIDENT OF THE STEVEN DORPF FAN CLUB. YOU ARE BIG INTO POLITICS. >> AND THE ONLY MEMBER. THAT SUCKS BECAUSE COMING UP THERE IS A TERM LIMIT. COMING UP AFTER THE THIRD TERM I DON'T KNOW WHO WILL TAKE OVER. >> WHO SHOULD BE PICKED? >> YOU BROUGHT UP A POINT. THEY DIDN'T MENTION AN AMERICAN PRESIDENT. THERE ARE A LOT OF FICTIONAL PRESIDENTS, THE PRESIDENT OF ANIMAL HOUSE. THE CLING EX-PRESIDENTS, THE BANK SURFING PRESIDENTS IN "POINT BREAK." >> FICTIONAL PRESIDENTS ARE PORTRAYED AS LIBERALS. IS THIS AN EXAMPLE OF THE JIRKS WHO WRITE THESE MOVIES? SAY YES. >> LET'S RANK THEM. NUMBER ONE, BILL POLE MAN, INDEPENDENCE DAY. HE IS REPUBLICAN AND GIVES THE AWESOME SPEECH. TWO, HE IS REPUBLICAN AND I LIKE HIS EYES. AND THE LAST ONE "LOVE ACTUALLY" NO," CONTENDER" IS THE WORST MOVIE EVER. JEFF BRIDGES IN "CONTENDER." IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT KNOCK OFF OFF -- ACTUALLY ENDS IN FOUR HOUR DAUGHTERS. THAT'S HOW SERIOUSLY IT TOOK ITSELF. IT RIPPED OFF THE WORST PARTS OF THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT. HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN SHOT FOR THAT. >> YOU HATE THIS MOVIE. >> I DON'T LIKE IT, GREG. >> I CAN TELL. >> THAT'S SCARY. >> AS A SHALLOW PERSON DO YOU RANK THE PRESIDENT BASED ON LOOKS? >> OF COURSE. I LIKED HIS EYES TOO. THERE ARE NOT A LOT OF PRESIDENTS IN THE CHICK FLICKS I WATCH. I DID RECENTLY SEE WHITE HOUSE DOWN. AGAIN I DON'T WATCH A LOT OF MOVIES AND IT CAME AYEAR AGO. JAMIE FOXX PLAYED THE PRESIDENT SOMETHING. HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN NAMED PRESIDENT OBAMA. EVERYTHING HE WAS DOING WAS SIMILAR. EVEN DOWN TO CHEWING THE GUM, THE NICORETE GUM. >> REALLY? >> I LIKED THE MOVIE. WHO IS THE BEEF CAKE? >> CHANNINGTATUM? >> I LIKED HIM BETTER. >> BECAUSE HE WAS WHITE? I NOTICED YOU THOUGHT JAMIE FOXX WAS LIKE OBAMA BECAUSE -- I GUESS IT IS BECAUSE HE IS BLACK. >> YOUR RACISM GETS DEEPER AND DEEPER EVERY DAY. >> ANYWAY, ANDY, HE GAVE THE BEST SPEECH EVER AND THEN THREW A JET AT ALIENS. HOW CAN HE NOT WIN? >> I THINK WE CAN AGREE THE WORST FICTIONAL PRESIDENT IS BARAK HUSSEIN OBAMA. >> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. >> HE SPENT MOST OF THE MOVIE BEING A WIMP AND THEN REDEEMS HIMSELF AT THE END. BASICALLY HE SPENT THE WHOLE MOVIE ACTING LIKE A DEMOCRAT. AND THEN HE ACTED LIKE A REPUBLICAN. . >> THERE IS A FAILURE TO EVACUATE THE CITIES. AT THE SAME TIME ELEANOR CLIF ST ST -- TERRORIZED HIM. >> THE EAST COAST WAS WIPED OUT BY A TSUNAMI. IF IT WAS FROM NEW YORK TO DC HE WOULD BEACON SERVE TIFF. BE CONSERVATIVE. >> THERE IS LSES -- ALSO THE ONE LEFT OFF IS IN "THE FIFTH ELEMENT, THE LAZY EYED GIANT AUTISTIC PRESIDENT WHO LOOKS LIKE FOREST WHITAKER ON STEROIDS. >> GO BACK AND WATCH. >> I LOVE THAT MOVIE. >> MY FAVORITE FICTIONAL PRESIDENT, ABRAHAM LINCOLN. >> DANIEL DAY-LEWIS PLAYED A GREAT ONE. >> HE IS FICTIONAL. >> BY THE WAY, WHEN YOU DID THE OBAMA THING, DO YOU KNOW PEOPLE ARE LEAK, OH, HE BEAT ME TO IT. >> HOW DARE YOU, SIR? >> WE WILL TALK ABOUT SOMETHING SPECIAL. >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT MADE YOU DO THAT. BLOCK. LAST STORY. THAT'S THE LAST STORY. >> IS IT MORE SORROW FOR FANS OF SABARO? THEY FILED FOR BANKRUPTCY RIPPING OUT THE HEARTS OF FAST-FOOD LOVERS. THEY PLANNED TO CLOSE 150 LOCATIONS AND WE AT "RED EYE" WOULD LIKE TO REMIND OUR VIEWERS WHEN SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENS IT IS NOT ABOUT THE PIZZA. IT IS ABOUT THE PEOPLE. >> AWESOME. >> BY THE WAY, SBARRO'S IS A GREAT PLACE. HOPEFULLY THEY WILL FIND ANOTHER JOB. JESSE YOU WORKED IN A FAD COURT. >> YOU PICKED IT JUST BECAUSE OF ME. THAT WAS GREAT. YOU DID GIVE STORIES TO EVERYBODY TODAY. THERE WAS THE SERIOUS CAT STORY FOR ANDY AND THE HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL STORY FOR WILL OBVIOUSLY AND THE STORY ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF USING CONDOMS WAS OBVIOUSLY FOR YOU. YOU KNOW, NOBODY SHOULD HAVE AN ADULT CHILD THAT SIZE. >> WONDERING WHERE HE WAS GOING. >> I WAS SAYING YOUR PARENTS SHOULD HAVE USED A ***. >> I KIND OF AGREE. >> WILL, I BET YOU HAVE NEVER EATEN AT A SBARRO IN YOUR LIFE. THAT'S YOUR LOSS. IT IS A GREAT PLEAS WITH GREAT PEOPLE. >> ARBY'S IS NEXT. >> THEY COULD BE. SALTY STORES HAVE TO BE PAIRED WITH SWEET STORES OR THEY DON'T LIKE -- BASKIN AND ROBINS IS WITH PIZZA HUT. IS THAT HOW IT WORKS? >> YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. THERE IS A PIZZA HUT AND TACO BELL COMBINATION. >> THAT KILLS YOUR THEORY. >> DUNKIN' DONUTS AND -- >> BASKIN-ROBBINS. >> THERE ARE NO WORDS THAT BEGIN WITH SB. START AT A DISADVANTAGE. SBA A RRO'S, A LOT OF PEOPLE LOOK AT IT -- >> AT LEAST SMORES STAND FOR SOMETHING. >> WHAT DOES IT STAND FOR? >> SOME MORE. >> CAN I HAVE SOME MORE? IT STANDS FOR -- >> YOU DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE THE INFORMATION SO WE ARE GOING TO SIT HERE. >> THAT WAS A SUBARU. >> AND WE ARE OUT OF TIME. >> AVOID THE RED EP PER PLATE.