Mxc S3e01 - Republicans vs. democrats vs. third party

♪♪ [rock] [Announcer] What are these people running from? They're not. They're running to a special "squeeze out the vote" edition of Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. Today it's the Republican Party versus the Democrat Party versus third-party crashers. It's dirty politics as usual. So get ready for MXC! And now, here's our winning ticket, Vic Romano and Kenny Blankenship! ♪♪ [fanfare] Whoa, you guys blow. [chuckles] I'm Kenny Blankenship, and we're kicking off another new season with our "squeeze out the vote" show. "Kenny looks to camera 2 and introduces Vic." What? Oh, yeah. And here's our commander in chief, Vic Romano! Thank you. Ha-ha. Yes, yes, thank you. [shot fires] Oh! Was that a shot? Oh, the president's down! It was awesome. Yeah, little prank there. Little reference to the old grassy knoll. Not a good thing. Hey, Kenny, how you doing? Captain, how are you? Good to see both you guys. Little bit there. Didn't go quite as well as planned. But you know what? Politics, like comedy, is risky. That was totally cool. You're gonna be like those *** dudes-- I'm not sure... taking a dump on a bus-- you should do that. Yeah, or maybe just a humorous anecdote now and then. Anyway, in keeping with our theme of "squeeze out the vote 2000"-- Oh, sorry about that. That's another bit we had worked out, which isn't as funny. Gladly, Victor. As you can see, we are registering to vote, the most secretive civic duties any citizen can do. Kenny, I notice that you're not registering. I'm not gonna register to vote. That's how they get you drafted for jury duty. Kenny, that is nonsense. Voting is one of the free world's greatest privileges. People have sacrificed their lives for-- Yeah, yeah. I vote we go to Guy. What? Oh, yeah, time, yes. Okay. With all this vote talk, I feel a raging election coming on right now. And now to the primary games that were recorded earlier this week. We started with Rock the Moat, a special dark-horse race, then Pork the Barrel, The Rotating Surfboard of Political Suicide, Mud Slingers, and finally Congressional Logjam. Oh, come with Guy, as my political movement is starting to peak. Yes! Gentlemen, a toast to "squeeze out the vote 2004." Hurry up, ‘cause I got to squeeze something out. Kenny. I know it's only Sparkling Cider, but, Captain, if you'll join me. Normally, I'm a dry sack on the rocks man, "Dry sack." [Vic] Let's Rock the Moat! It's where contestants sidestep the rocky issues without getting a mouthful of septic political sludge. [whistle blows] Get it on! Here's Chester Fields. He's a Republican tobacco lobbyist who started the first after-school smoking club for pre-teens. [Kenny] I think he coughed up a lung. Right you are, Ken. And here's Tiffany Taylor. She's a former stripper who now volunteers to work the polls-- Let's take another look at that, Ken. Her campaign funds are all in singles. Oh, look. I think she snapped her thong. Next up, Jimmy Chatter, delegate from the National Cheese Council. Oh! He totally shredded his gouda. Indeed. He totally Monterey Jack-ed himself. And here's Condoleezza Fleiss. She's the bail bonds madam for the Bush daughters. Ooh! I'd like to party between two Bushes. Or maybe just between a couple of soggy mounds, eh? Right you are, Ken. And that's why it's our MXC Impact Replay. You can see right there she goes down in an I.D. Fakey, and, oh! An underage beer bash does her in. Here's Congressman Cheney Richards. He's been trying to push his big liberal package through Congress for years, and he's down! Oh! Wait. Did you see what I saw? Wait, go back. Kenny! No. He's not wearing the proper footwear. Oh, right you are. Good call. Kenny! Next up, Janet Timberlake. She's a founding member of ***-- Boy Bands Examining Women's Bosoms. Oh! And she's down! Oh, I think she had some-- Oh, look at that! She had a wardrobe malfunction. Actually, Ken, she's just demonstrating the proper way for a woman to examine her *** in the event she doesn't actually know anyone in a boy band. Oh, man. I'm getting a lump in my caucus. Ha ha ha! Next up, here's conservative economist Henry Jarvis. He's the author of the controversial Proposition H. Proposition H is a burning issue. It's designed to shrink the swollen deficit. We want to wipe out the debt forever and tuck it behind us. Yeah. Yeah. My grandma keeps Proposition H in a bowl by her bed. Right you are, Ken. Oh! It looks like he's gonna have some serious inflammation in the morning after that spill. Next up, perennial write-in candidate Harry ***. Kenny, you may also know him as Jack Mehoff. Kenny! And here's Mac Conium from the Brown Party. The Brown Party. They have a very loose platform. Right you are, and it looks like he might have slipped in some of it there, Ken. Every one of their elections is a run-off. [chuckling] Well, clearly, that man could use a little help from the government, but you know, it can't be there for everyone. That's why we are so thankful for men like the Captain. Captain, I don't mean to embarrass you, but I understand that you have founded an organization that you're very proud of. Well, normally I don't like to self-promote, but... Jerry, roll the tape. I started Project Reach-around to help under-developed teens just like Billy here. He's 18 years old, and he's never taken a step of his own. Here I provide an emotional bridge, as it were, that allowed him to take his first steps. Hey, thanks, Captain. I [bleep] walked. No, no. No, no, please. This is all about me, the Captain, giving. Enough. Let's go to commercial now. [Vic] So, after one event, we're all tied up, 0-0-0. [Announcer] When MXC returns, more dirty politics. Hey, wing nut, hands off your polling place. MXC is back with more of the 3-way battle of the 2-party system. And we're back, and we've got an exciting 3-way tie. It just goes to show you how close the political process can be *** says “huh”? Huh? Oh. Do you agree, Captain? Huh? Oh, actually it is a new uniform. Thanks for noticing. Yeah. Anyways, so what are the pressing issus for Kenny Blankenship? I vote for more chicks and more beer. Now leave me alone. [Vic] All right, so let's get ready for a very special “squeeze out the vote 2004” exhibition dark-horse race. It'll be featuring horses that all represent famous pieces of the political puzzle. In lane number 1, that's Strategerie. Number 2, Read My Lips. Number 3, I Did Not Have Sex With That Woman. It's a vast right-wing conspiracy, even if my husband is a cheating scumbag. [Vic] Well, there you are. Number 4, Special Interests. Number 5, I Am Not A Crook. And Number 6, I Knew Jack Kennedy, And You Sir Are No Jack Kennedy. Gun is up. And they're off! And I Knew Jack Kennedy, And You Sir Are No Jack Kennedy is out of the gate and taking off. I Knew Jack Kennedy, And You Sir Are No Jack Kennedy stumbles a little bit into I Am Not A Crook. And they are roughing each other up there, and look, Strategerie takes the lead. Unbelievable, Ken. This is the kind of political horseracing we're used to seeing. Strategerie is down and out of the race! I Knew Jack Kennedy, And You Sir Are No Jack Kennedy is also down. And here we come-- a photo finish, and would you look at that, Ken? Unbelievable, but I think Special Interests has won. Let's take another look. And of course the camera doesn't lie, and you can see Special Interests wins again. What do you mean? It flies in the face of the electoral process. Private concerns buying votes? Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. Kenny, what is this? It's a list of companies that are paying me a grand each to get their name on the show. This is special interest at its worst. There's got to be 100 names! I hope you get the wheel well lights and the spinner rims. Anyway, next up is “pork the barrel,” where our contestants try to drop their over-inflated spending packages into law without getting stuck in the political muck. And as always, you've got to be wary of the ever-present Bill Veto. The only way your bill gets through is if it passes through me! [laughs] Yeah! Hello, I'm Lyndon LaDouche, and I'd like to give a quick shout-out to my Uncle Guy. Shout-out! I'm a junior at Cal State Long Beach, and my dream is to be an intern for Barney Frank. [blows whistle] Get it on. After the Captain says that, fly out over here, pull the cord, and grab the ball. [laughing] No, no, please. Yeah, there you g. That's for you. Uncle Guy! [Vic] And here's Ronald Culp, head of Gay Men for Bush. [Kenny] Since when have gay men been for Bush? [Vic] Since he surrounded himself with *** and Colin. Oh, look at that, Ken! [Kenny] Now he's surrounded by Bill Veto. Right you are, Ken. Oh, there's Page Kneeler. She's a personal humidor for presidential cigars. Oh! Looks like she totally missed there, Ken. [Kenny] She did bad. He's rubbing her face in it. Less government! And here's Phil Abuster. He's a latent libertarian. And there goes Phil, taking off nicely. Oh, a little premature on the release, Ken! Oh! And that's no good. [Kenny] Oh, that looks unconstitutional to me. I'm unflappable! [Vic] And here's Jerry Mander, clearly a conservative left-winger. There he goes. A little fluttering stop there, very tentative. And no release at all, Ken. [Kenny] Look there. He's turning the other cheek. I'm a naturalized citizen! And here's Miguel J. Fox. He's an undocumented Democratic voter. I think you're right, Ken. And look at that! Ah, muy bien, Miguel! And that puts the Democrats in the lead, and that's our MXC Impact Replay. You can see right there a good release, good snatching of the ball, and... [Kenny] “Un ball-o el barrel-ito de pork-o.” [Vic] “Da right-cha” you are, Ken. Indeed. I would like a man-partner. Leader of the S & M Party. We talked to one of his die-hard supporters earlier. I can't wait until he gets into the Oval Office. You know why? [groans] ‘Cause I want to be his Lincoln bedpan. [Kenny] The S & M Party? Aren't they the ones with the black and blue balloons at their convention? [Vic] Yes, and they all dream of being majority whips. But it looks like Dom doesn't get any luck there. He gets Bill Vetoed from behind. And here's Mousse O'Lini, the fashionable fascist. [Kenny] Their conventions always start on time, or else. Right you are, Ken. Oh! And that punctuality doesn't help him here, but he's about to get punctuated by Bill. Next up, Diane Feinboxer. She represents very special interests. [Kenny] Yeah, she wants all public buses made shorter so you can get there sooner. [Vic] Right you are, Ken, and it looks like this run is a little short for her. And unsuccessful. What a shame. Let's go down to Guy and find out what happened. Oh, no! Politics is dirty, dirty, dirty. Ah, there's my gum. Well, we've just been handed some disturbing news. It seems that Miguel Hey Fox has been disqualified. Apparently he's been in our country illegally, Ken. [Kenny] Yeah, but he has a driver's license. And he's eligible for health care benefits. [chuckles, exclaims] I think the drunk chick was funny. Easy, Ken, easy. The Captain taught her how to chew at one of his camps. [Kenny] But it is tightening up. [Announcer] When MXC comes back, we'll find out who takes the biggest dip in the polls. MXC is back, as our political 3-way... [chuckles] heats up. ♪♪ [rock] ♪♪ [humming along] I love that song. It stirs me in my loincloth. Well, it stirs the Captain in his slacks here. Indeed. The MXC theme, of course, based on a traditional Indian gaming song. And I'd like to say that Indian gaming is good for everyone. Including us new-found Indians. Vote twice for gaming. [Captain] And pay some taxes. [Vic] And now it's time for “rotating surfboard of political suicide and death. Catch a wave, dodge a dolphin, or die. [blows whistle] Get it on. [Vic] First up, Tipper Bore. No more ho's! Apparently she wants the word “ho” removed from Hostess Ho-Hos. [Kenny] I think she lost her cream filling. [Vic] Right you are, Ken. Apparently she couldn't ho-ho-hold on to the board. Ho-ho-ho... Anyway, next up, Dan Whale. He's a Republican who wants to privatize public restrooms. Right you are, Ken. And there he is, coming up to the platform there. Chief Auto Parts moving him along. He's right there, doing a Lewinski lunge! And there's an American Standard, and he is flush, Ken. Here's Bud Freely. He's from the Pot Party. [Kenny] They don't pass laws, they pass “***-endums.” Oh, a lethargic Marley, and he couldn't get high enough, and he is baked, Ken. [Kenny] Hey, Vic, you ever gotten high and French-kissed your grandma's bridge partner? [Vic] Ah, those were the days, Ken. Next up, Tip O'Neill. He's a bipartisan real estate lobbyist who profits from both houses. And there he is, into a squatting senator. Moving along nicely there. Coming onto the floor of the house. Oh, looks like there might have been some kickbacks there from Indian gaming. [Kenny] Oh, and a face full of pink. [Vic] Dolphin to the head. Right you are, Ken. [Kenny] That was pointless. Right you are. Here's Prudence Juris. [Vic] I'm not familiar with that party, Ken. It's like “MILF,” but for grannies. My friends say Nana Blankenship's a GILF. [Vic] Oh, is that like the Freemasons or the Daughters of the Confederacy or... Oh, and it looks like she was GILFed by the dolphin! Ah, whatever. [Vic] All right, anyways, there's Chad Dangler. He polishes stump speeches. There he goes nicely over that dolphin, into a chattering rhetoric, up on the platform. The chief trying to give him a hand there, and there he goes! Oh! It looks like he stumbled over a sound overbite. What a shame, Ken. Let's take a look at that. That's an MXC Reverse Impact Replay. [Ken] Look right here. The chief gives him a sovereign right to the back. He went down, heap big fast. [Vic] And how. Next up, Brady Bill, from the National Rifle Associates. Started a program for toddlers called “Gun-boree.” [Kenny] It mixes playtime, education, and firearms. [Vic] And what could be more American than that, Ken? Here's Linda Hazel. She's a spin witch doctor for the Wiccan Party. Oh, and she is down! Ooh, that's what we Indians call a real shaman. Right you are. Chief, you should know better than that, perpetuating hurtful stereotypes. Hey, look, the Captain's sitting Indian-style. Fine, I'm leaving. No, no, sit down. Come on. What would a campaign be without a little mudslinging, huh, Chief? And speaking of mudslingers, check this out. The object of this game is to trudge through the political quagmire of slander and try not to get mud on yourself or your balls. Eat a purebred! Here's Charles Lawson, founder of EATA. [Kenny] They put barbecue sauce on animals who wear fur. [Vic] He's covered in safety sauce now. Here's Sunni Baba Ganoush, a former Iraqi interrogator. Now does P.R. for Halliburton. Oh! Let's look at the MXC translation replay. And sadly, Ken, his run not any better in English. What a shame. Here's Gloria Allhead. I believe it's a woman's right to breastfeed in public. And it's my right to watch. She's a lactating liberal. Let's see what she does here. Moving out nicely, changing direction-- Oh! Right you are, Ken. Let's take another look, and you can see... Looks like nothing new from this angle, Ken. Right you are, and that's enough mudslinging for one day. Well, as you can see, still no score, and you'll also notice, no chief either. Looks like he's out on the warpath, Kenny. What did you say to him? I T.P.'ed his trailer. [Vic] So, after 4 scoreless primaries, we're still at 0-0-0. [Announcer] When MXC returns, we'll see how much the truth really hurts. Got it, ballot box? MXC's back, and the results are in. It's a dirty run-off. Blech! Not foreigners. Well, Ken, believe it or not, if you've got friends in high places, well funded, even a giant forehead and a bad accent can't stop you. What do you like about Arnold? Is it his fiscal responsibility I clean and jerk to his wife. Maria... Yeah, he also likes to grope chicks in his movies. Completely unproven, Ke. Ladies, settle, please. Now let's have a big hand for our guest political pundits. This is Alan Hannity and Sean Colmes. Your topic is gay marriages. Mr. Colmes, from the left, you go first. The left feels that gay people should have the same rights and protections of traditional marriage that straight people do. Eat me. All right, all right. A spirited, well-thought-out debate, gentlemen, What? Screw you. No, right there on the floor. It appears a horse has defecated. [Vic] Right you are, Ken. Now let's go to “congressional log jam,” where the contestants must put their spin on the critical issues without ending up in the muck. I'm catatonic and I have no rhythm. Here's Strom Sharpton. He's head of the AAACP, “African Americans Against Colored Persons.” He's going back. Yes. Right you are, Ken. Watch the sword. Go again. Highly unusual. There goes Strom. Lincoln logging it across! Oh, and he is down into the fluid. Meow. ...an animal activist who wants to give animals the right to vote. [Kenny] Yeah, my cat, Mr. Sphincter, used to mark my grandma's ballot. [Vic] That's good to know, Ken. And, oh! Look at that! She has marked herself up pretty good. And that is our MXC Impact Replay. You can see right there, Ken-- loses her footing, face-first. [Kenny] I thought animal-rights people always landed on their feet. Right you are, Ken, but it didn't end there. This raucous political caucus went on well into the evening. And fresh out of rehab and ready to mix it up is Reilly Limbaugh. [Kenny] Uh-oh. Looks like he's wearing his mudslinging uniform. [Vic] Those are his bleeding-heart-retardant dungarees, Ken. Let's see if they help him out here. There he goes. Into the spin zone. Right there into a whiny Al Franken. Oh! He can't hang on to it. Here's Moesha Meier Diane Smith. She runs a Gaza Strip joint. [Kenny] Yeah, she's famous for spreading her Middle East peace across the region in hopes of bringing people together. [Vic] Right you are, Ken. Looks like she's spread her peace back over to the Captain, who's getting her started again. Oh, there she goes into a Lebanese layout. Right you are. Looks like she's gonna try for a full Wailing Wall, and the Captain once again intervening. I think he wants a lap dance. I think you might be right, Ken. It looks like he's gonna get her started once again. Let's see if she can make it this time. And there she is. She's back on and... Oh! She has strolled into the Dead Sea sludge. [exclaims] She operates a concession speech stand, and she is absolutely the last hope for the third party. She does have a chance to win it. She's good on her knees, Ken. Oh! And she can't pull it off! Kenny! Well, we finished scoreless. As usual in politics, nobody wins. Hey, Vic, I took your advice and voted. Yeah, I did a whole bunch of research, studied their positions, and was able to narrow it down to 10. It's time for... [Kenny] At number 10, Strategerie stumbles just like George W. does with the English language. That's horrible-istic! At number 9, domestic pet-eater Chuck Larson slings some mud and gets a taste of his own medicinal brown sludge. And number 8 spot goes to Page Kneeler, who's a lot better at hopping on presidential stogies than porking the barrel. At number 7, Janet Timberlake, who gives us a real halftime show when her mommy-bags make a surprise visit. And checking in at number 6 is politically correct Tipper Bore, who goes down hard-- make that semi-hard. And number 5, Tiffany Taylor's twist of fate. A former stripper now slipping in the polls. Stick to thong-snapping. And number 4 goes to Guy's nephew, who drops into the political muck and gets Vetoed and blackballed from behind. And the third spot goes to Strom Sharpton, who gets log-jammed before he even gets started. And at number 2, it's Pot Party boss Bud Freely, whose run goes up in smoke. And my most painful elimination of the day goes to Jimmy Cheddar, whose brains are now a spreadable cheese topping. [exclaims] Hey, Vic, if I was president, I'd make you secretary of hot chicks. Got my vote. Till then, what do we always say? [All] Don't get eliminated! [Kenny] *** says huh? Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA