Magnum, P.I. S7E16 - English Transcript

Failure is one of life's few absolutes. Success, on the other hand, is relative. For instance, there's the story of a guy who spent his entire childhood dreaming of becoming a fighter pilot. He joined up at 18, came out of flight school number one in his class, soloed like a pro, and was assigned to a top combat wing. A week before he was to fly his first mission there was a fire in his barracks. He pulled two guys from the flames, and suffered third-degree burns to his hands in the process. He was a hero and he wound up a general. But he was never able to fly again. Relative success and absolute failure. Hey, Thomas. What? Hi, Rick. You want something? What happened to your hair? I got a haircut. I thought it would look a little more, I don't know, mature. It looks weird. Well, that's what I was going for. Mature or weird. Oh. Hey, look, I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but the accountant called about your tab again today. I'll pay the whole thing. Well, why don't you come up with the usual? Just a few bucks and I said I'd pay the entire tab. Okay, okay. What are you getting so upset about? Upset? I'm not upset. I said I'd come up with the money. No problem. Amend that to slight problem. Pan Pacific Shipping called me since they couldn't find you. They wanted to verify your address to send you your final expense check, but no fee. Right. No fee. You were fired? I decided to drop the case. You were fired. Which is why I decided to drop the case. These things happen. No big deal. Yes, I guess by now you must be getting used to being dismissed. Look, Thomas, don't worry about your little problem. I'll cover for you. I said I would take care of that little problem. What little problem? And why are you getting so upset? I'm not upset. Then why aren't you answering the phone or the door? Because I wanted a little time by myself. Is that a crime? No, but your morning mail is mildly criminal. Two letters marked "Final Notice. " Well, thanks, Higgins, but I don't need you to pick up my mail. I'll get my own. Yes, along with the estate's mail, which you invariably forget to give me for days. No, I'd rather be responsible for collecting the mail myself. Well, then leave mine in the box. And, Rick, don't cover for me. I'll take care of the tab. I don't need a mail delivery service, and I don't need cover. Cover. What happened to your hair? Oh, this. I'm just trying something new. How's the back, T. C? Better. How did Pop Warner practice go today? Great. Great? Practice went great? Why wouldn't it go great? You weren't there. Well, not exactly. I knew you wouldn't But I can explain. Oh, you can always explain. No, I was just about to leave for the park, I got this real important phone call I knew it was a good idea to call Jerry Watkins, just in case. By the time Jerry Watkins? Yeah, he never has to explain. He always shows up. You called in a backup? You couldn't trust me enough? You called in a backup? Were you there? That's not the point. That's always the point! Hey, I'm not through yelling at you. Where you going? Virginia, to see my mom. I did want to go to Virginia. I liked going back. And it would have been nice seeing my mom. But for some reason, there was someplace else I had to go. It was a beautiful place, on a remote part of the island, but it wasn't the place itself that I knew I had to see. I'd remembered seeing it once when T. C. And I had flown over it. It had really caught me at the moment, but then I'd forgotten about it until lately. Lately it had been on my mind more and more. I'm not exactly sure why, or why I felt the need to go there today instead of getting on a plane and going to Virginia. Climbing this mountain was certainly cheaper than flying home. And besides, the way things had been going lately, I knew I'd probably get stuck with the middle seat for the entire 11-hour flight. But the main reason had nothing to do with money or middle seats. I guess it had to do with the need to get to the top of this mountain, even if I wasn't sure why. You don't seem to be sure of anything, Mr. Magnum. You have no suspects, you have no leads. You didn't even get the haircut I told you to get. You said you'd have everything taken care of by the time I came back from Europe. Look, I don't like to fire people, but unless you come up with something by tomorrow, you're out. Mr. Magnum? Mr. Magnum. That's it, I've had it. You're fired. Great. Totally incompetent! Damn! I know what you're thinking. And you're right. It wasn't worth going on. I knew that centipede bites didn't generally kill you, but on the other hand, I heard you could get pretty sick from them. And it didn't make any sense not to get my neck looked at. Besides, with the loose rocks and difficult terrain, I knew I had to have all my wits about me to even get to the top of the mountain. And I had to believe that what was up there wasn't going anywhere, and that maybe instead I should just hope for an aisle seat to Virginia. I could always climb this mountain another day. Keep going, keep going. Dad, I can't do it! I wanna stop. Come on. Twenty seconds away from a new record. I'm tired. You can do it, Tommy, you can do it. Keep going. You know, I'm sure you could eventually, Mr. Magnum. But how long would it take? Six months? A year? Dad, are you gonna be in Korea for a whole year? Well, you don't know how long you'll be gone in a war, son. Don't worry, I'll take good care of Mom. Mom sure does cry a lot lately. Guess that's 'cause you're going to Korea, huh? Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. You guess so? You're still not sure? Mr. Magnum, when can I expect results? It won't be long now. Scuttlebutt has it that the Princeton's gonna relieve us, and we'll be home by the 4th. I hope so, 'cause I don't know if I can wait till then, I miss you two so much. Sometimes, coming back from a mission, I'm tempted to just keep flying until I reach San Diego. Don't, Dad. You'll run out of gas. Well, there's only a little tape left, so I better sign off. I love Don't cry, Mom. Dad said he'd be home by the 4th. Aim! Fire! Aim! Fire! Aim! Fire! Order arms! It was from a different war, a different age of aircraft. This P-40 and the Navy Panther jet my dad flew had little in common as combat machinery. But the pilots who manned them weren't machines. Looking down on Pearl or on Korea, they probably shared in common a dream of finally going home, and may also have shared in common a moment when they knew they weren't going to. I guess that was my main reason for coming up here. The plane had obviously been shot down. Probably during the Pearl Harbor attack. Had the pilot survived? Had he been found and rescued? Had he died in the cockpit, or trying to get off the mountain? I didn't know. But maybe figuring out the answer would help resolve some questions that I'd never wanted to ask about another pilot, and a summer day in Korea. I know you're trying to solve the case, Mr. Magnum. I mean, I'm not sorry I hired you. But it's been ten days, and, well, I need some sort of progress report. Something, anything, to get Mr. Albertson off my back. Probably got him in the spine. Pity you can't solve all your cases that quickly, Mr. Magnum. I'll be back from Europe in three weeks. I'm giving you until then to break the case. Now, get out. I said get out! Come on. Twenty seconds away from a new record. An hour? I've been out for an hour? Magnum, how could you? You could feel the plane was shifting, and yet you just sat there. Oh. You're just jealous, Higgins. Never once in your incredible stories have you ever come up with having a plane land on your legs. I don't suppose you could reach my gear, could you? See, I got my canteen, my lunch, my first aid kit. I got everything I need. Here's my legs. I didn't think so. I'm talking to an airplane. A lady on an airplane, but essentially an airplane. Which is one of the first warning signs of a bent psyche. What does that mean? Simply that there are so-called professions that only 40-year-old adolescents desperate to prove their virility would practice. Well, whatever I'm trying to prove, at least I'm doing it in the present. I'm not rehashing all the mistakes of the past. Stuck tight, too, huh? Never mind. We can deal with the problem. Matter of fact, I'd like to get myself out of this before the guys get here. I just need to To rest a second. Look, do you mind a little advice? Don't fight it. You just get stuck worse. Just try and relax and take some deep breaths. Great. Now, in your own time, pick a leg, any leg, And try to slowly, gently move it only. See, if you get one leg free, that'll give you leverage to pry loose the other one. Other three. Oh, no. Now what? Go back! Come on. You don't want that fly. If you knew where flies spent their time, you wouldn't. Go back! Got him! Now, don't move. Don't move, fly. Movement just draws attention to yourself. I got to do something. They're gonna arrest me for embezzlement. Relax. We'll think of something. Now, what monster's out there? The one with big eyes and teeth. Oh, yeah, Herman. Herman. We'll call him Herman. See, it's kind of like a sequel. "The Return of Herman. " I know it sounds ridiculous, but it worked the last time. Of course, the last time, Herman was a shark. Oh, no. No, no, no, no. I know what you're doing, Dad. Look, you helped me out the last time, and I appreciate it, but I got to get out of this one myself. Okay? Of course, when an idea is a good one, what difference does it make where it comes from? But this is the last time I'm gonna let you bail me out, Dad. I mean it. Hey, Herman, you wanna play a game? I know. I'll bet you'd like hide-and-seek. It's a great game. I'm closing my eyes, Herman, and I'm slowly counting to ten. And when I finish, you better be gone. One, two, three Four, five, six Seven, eight, nine, ten. Thanks, Herm. Look, I know you're hungry, but I have a responsibility to protect my client. Are you sure you're at your best right now? Centipede venom can cause delirium, you know. I'm fine. And I'll find your embezzler, Albertson. And I am not delirious, and I'm not hurting. Probably just asleep. He shot him in the femoral artery! Plug it with your finger! Put your finger in it, Cookie! I can't reach it! Oh, God, it's not right! No! Don't think about that. Think about something else. How many legs does a fly have? Higgins, how many legs does a fly have? Fly, you hang on. The guys are gonna be here soon. See, the guys always sort of know when I'm in trouble and they come looking for me. Rick will know. T. C. Will remember this place, and he'll figure it out. Besides, so what if this is a remote place where hardly anybody's ever been? The last guy who was here got out. Sort of. At least his body did. Yeah, they'll find me. Oh, no. Damn it! Now you've done it. Didn't I tell you to stand still? Cut it out, Herman! What game are you playing now? It is quite simple. You sign the admission of guilt, and you will be let out of your cages. Given a hot shower, hot food, and a bed with cool, clean sheets. No, don't fight. Don't let him know you're scared. Oh, man. One of us has had it now. Not if we keep our heads. You are three months at Due Hue, and still you are cracking jokes. Are you what is called a tough ***? Nobody's gonna die. Not if we use our heads. Not if I can just get this for leverage. Herman, no! He shot him in the femoral artery! Plug it with your finger! Put your finger in it, Cookie! I can't reach it! Oh, God, it's not right! Fly, you okay? I'm sorry. Sorry. Got to stay awake. Anchors away Oh, that's too easy. Third verse. Got to remember the third verse. Blue of the seven seas Gold of God's great son Let these our colors be Till all our time be done Done, done, done I can't make it, Dad. Magnum. Magnum, wake up. Magnum, please, I must speak to you. No! I'm sleeping. You may never wake up if you don't wake up this instant. You have to stop the bleeding. This wouldn't have happened if I had the aisle seat. Come on, Higgins, trade with me. You should be in the middle, shorter legs. I'm too cramped. I'm numb from my knees down. Why are you going to Virginia anyway, Higgins? Come on, answer me. You don't think I'm capable of flying there myself? Well, I'm capable. You're right. I can't go back to sleep. I've got to stop the bleeding. If I can just Stewardess, damn. I need some help. I got to stop the bleeding before they start serving lunch. I'm really hungry. Can I have a glass of water? No. I'm awake. Blue Blue of the seven No! I've done that already. Any requests? Come on, Herman, what do you like? How about you? Any requests? Sleepytime Gal? Let's see. Sleepytime Gal Oh, I'm sorry about that rivet in your knee. I bet that hurts. You should get it fixed. You know, we formally haven't been introduced. I'm Thomas Magnum. How about you? You're shy, huh? Well, maybe I'll call you Misty. Look at me. I'm as helpless As a kitten up a tree Look at me Look at me when I'm talking to you, Mr. Magnum. Stop singing and try to concentrate on my problem. I got a thief on the loose somewhere in my firm. I got an insurance company screaming about covering the losses, and you stand there with a belt around your leg, trying to remember Misty. Look at me They screamed but they covered the losses anyway. But not your fee, Mr. Magnum. The insurance doesn't cover that. Albertson says that I That I wasted more of Pan Pacific's money hiring you. And he's beginning to hint that I'm somehow involved in the embezzlement. Now, please, Mr. Magnum, you've got three weeks while he's still in Switzerland. You have to find the real Thief. Why not Michaels? You already talked to most of my key people, and came up empty-handed. So stop singing, and go talk to him. Look at me I'm as helpless As a kitten up a tree Never knowing my right foot From my left My hand from my glove I'm too misty And too much in love I did it. Competence. Is that what you wanted, Albertson? No, maybe not. Well, you got it anyway. Total competence. Dad, did you hear that? I made it. I made it through the night. And I'm gonna make it out of here just as soon as I get this Did you finish the fly off fast, Herman? I hope so. Going slow has got to be the worst. Best to go fast. T. C. , come on. You had all night. You want me to just lie here? Must have been awful, going that slow. Yes, poor devil. I can't believe it. After all those shoot-outs and near misses, he finally goes from a centipede bite. T. C. , he bled to death. He obviously succumbed from dehydration. Higgins, I'm sorry, but I read the coroner's report. And I was a coroner. North Africa, 1942. I was recruited to perform emergency autopsies for Prince Higgie! Yes, of course. Sorry. But I've seen that very same pallor on the faces of many a camel who baked in the sun. Well, whatever got him, at least he cracked the case that was bugging him. I trust you're not referring to that absurd message Magnum left on the mountaintop? Higgins, Thomas had to have pinned it on the right guy. Why? Simply because it was his dying decree? You never gave Thomas proper respect for his abilities, Higgie. That's not true. Yes, it is. And you were always messing with his mail, too. You're back. No, no. You can't be the same one. Herman ate you. Of course, the rain could've shook you out of the web. Well, it doesn't matter really. If you're the same guy Same fly, just listen, please. Stay on your toes. Up there is off-limits. Just trust me. Did you ever see the movie, The Fly? I'm talking about the original, not the remake. Anyway, this guy, he experiments, and he switches heads with a fly. So he's walking around with this horrible, hairy, ugly Oh, I guess your empathies would be with the fly. I'm sorry. So anyway, what happens is the guy has to find the fly that's got his head, but he never does, so in the last shot in the movie we see this spider web, and this fly with this teeny little man's head, saying, "Help me, "help me. " Somebody's trying to frame me, Mr. Magnum. You have to find the real criminal before Albertson gets back. Please, do something! Damn it! I don't believe it. Why don't clients ever listen? Cut it out, Herman. You had dinner. You just hold on, fly, and don't move. No, strike that. That turned out to be bad advice for my last client. Unless you are my last client. Whatever, listen You got to help me, Magnum, help me! Michaels, you just hold on till I reach Zowie! You've had it, Herman. You just yell if he bothers you again. We got him! Who else would have the clout to stonewall my investigation for six weeks? When we get out of here I'm gonna prove it. Prove what? Why do you want to know if I have an address in Switzerland? I fired you this morning, remember? Now get! No! I thought I had you. I had Aim! Fire! Aim! Fire! Aim! Fire! Don't do it. Rick! Higgins! Up here! Pack your bags, fly, we're home free. I hope so, Mr. Magnum. Please, help me. Help me. Damn it, Michaels, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Pull yourself together. You're right, of course. You'll think of something. Won't you? Come here. We got 'em now, darling. Okay, guys, if you're gonna find me, now'd be a good time. I'm holding it up. I'm holding it up, guys. I'm holding up the plane. I can't let go. Guys! Help me. Help me. Okay, decision time, guys. Try to remember physics. There's one way I can swing this thing, and we're out of here, and about a half a dozen ways I can swing it and wish I hadn't. Rick. Don't worry about that little problem, Thomas. I can cover. Then cover! Maybe you should have called Jerry Watkins. He wouldn't let you down. T. C. Magnum, please be calm. Calm? Calm? I got an airplane in my face. Hey, Misty, you hear those gunshots, or am I just dreaming 'em up? I guess it doesn't make a whole lot of difference. One way or the other, I'm gonna have to get myself out of this. What do you say, pal? If I could figure out the leverage, I just might get us out of this. But then you're on your own. Go on, back off, Herman, I just need a little more time to be sure of the leverage. So long, Misty. Nice meeting you. Did you get the pig? No, he got away, I think. Did you hit it? I don't know. Maybe it's still in the bushes. The ***'s still moving. I'm afraid there's no way you could have accomplished that feat, Mr. Magnum. You see, we already have the embezzler in jail. Well, we found a great deal of cash in Michaels' house. Cash he cannot explain. Can you explain the source of your account in Switzerland? See, it was just a hunch, since you've been spending so much time there lately, but I was able to turn that hunch into a couple of secret bank account numbers. Come on. You can't come up with secret bank account numbers. Oh, you can if you know the right people. And speaking of that, you'll be hearing from a friend of mine. Carol Baldwin. You'll like her. She's a real nice lady. And an assistant prosecuting attorney. You can't prove anything. Oh, I think we can. I picked up your mail for you again. Don't bother to thank me. It's the usual assortment of junk mail addressed to occupant, and a couple of past due notices. My God! What on Earth Rick, hi. No, I'm fine. Listen, about my tab at the club What could possibly have hap You can tell the accountant to expect a check by the beginning of the week. Bye. Magnum. Hi, Higgins. What happened? I solved the case. The reward money's on its way. No, I mean I slipped in my mom's tub. Oh, T. C. , hold on, just a minute. Higgins, it's real busy right now. I appreciate your dropping off the mail, but you won't have to do that anymore. I can manage from here on out. Thanks. You slipped in your mother's tub? Yes. And I knew if anybody would understand, you would. Quite. Hi, T. C. No, I'm fine. Listen, I thought I might take your Pop Warner team out for hot dogs after practice Saturday. No, I want to. Yeah, sure, you can invite Jerry Watkins if you want to. But you won't really need a backup. I'll see you then.