Goonies Or Gremlins? - 4/30/12 - Full ep

BETH HOYT: Nothing gets me up in the morning like a cold dose of 4:00 PM show. [MUSIC PLAYING - THEME SONG] BETH HOYT: Hey guys, welcome to your Monday. Well, maybe you've been welcomed already to your Monday, maybe a few hours ago? If it's the beginning of your Monday, get on it, for one. And for two, I don't-- I don't care if you get on it. Are you having a nice day? Stay in bed. That sounds nice. I'm jealous. There was a weekend that just happened. Did you enjoy it? Were you part of the world's largest rainbow parade going across the Brooklyn Bridge for a record setter? World record day. It was Saturday. It was celebrated all over the world. Did you do one? Did you do a record? Did you try to beat one of our records? My friend Dillon did a variation on my longest dramatic "nooooo." I like where his head's at. Let's take a look at his. CINDY (OFF-SCREEN): Dillon, and he's going to do a new record. -Go Beeeeeeeeeeeeth! CINDY (OFF-SCREEN): That was how long can you say Beth? Eight seconds. BETH HOYT: Thanks Dillon. I think that's-- I'm-- that's a new record. I'm going to do a record with your name too, but I'm going to go for the world's shortest. You guys ready? Dillon! It's also apparently the loudest. Uh, nailed it. OK, I think I'm feeling immature, because I watched Goonies for the first time this weekend. What? What? I know. I just-- I missed it the first time around, and-- and the second, third through twelfth times. So to make up for it, I spent the weekend watching the Goonies. The whole weekend, you say? Well, I fell asleep watching it on Friday. I know, I'm, I'm *** off so many people right now. And then I had to finish it on Saturday. I didn't fall asleep because I was-- it was boring-- I mean, or a bad-- I just-- I was very tired. Just say that. But that's two nights-- two weekend nights where a portion after 8:00 PM was watching Goonies. I'm super cool, you guys! Here's what I learned from it. Boys yell a lot. Also, I thought Goonie was a gremlin, so I kept waiting for a creature to come out. And lastly, um, I though the fat kid was really funny. And I also-- I really wanted to smack him. Guys, our guest on this big Wednesday show coming up is Retta, aka Donna from Parks and Rec. And guess what we were doing this morning? That's John. Can you tell? Can you guess? Can you guess? No. Well, no hints. I'm not going to give you any hints. You can just speculate until it's all revealed on Wednesday. It was super fun, and she'll be live in the studio on Wednesday and I can't wait. But this is real life. So I have to. OK. Enough of my chitchat. Isn't it funny that you can chat, and you can chit chat, but no one ever just chits? That's-- that's not-- that's not funny? OK, well, I bet you're laughing on the inside. Guys, have you heard? You suck at Photoshop is back. Donnie Hoyle made this triumphant return on last week's MyDamnChannel Live. If you missed it, you don't have to beat yourself up for it or kick yourself, because we're going to show you the whole thing again right now. Enjoy. DONNIE HOYLE (OFFSCREEN): My name is Donnie. And you suck at Photoshop. You hear that sound? It's the sound of nobody clapping for you. Let's say you've been gone for a while, and-- [FLUTE MUSIC PLAYING] DONNIE HOYLE (OFFSCREEN): --you narrowly escaped a homicidal attack. And you found solace in a remote location where you thought you would have enlightenment and peace and quiet. But in the meantime, you discover that the fun stick that your ex-wife has been breaking records with and babied her. And four years later, there's a four-year-old maniac running around who is hell-bent on destroying your legacy and stealing your intellectual property and running up attorney bills with a lawyer who clearly works for a larger organization. And you're getting emails like this. "RONNIE": You can't stop me, Donnie Hoyle. I'll destroy you and everything you stand for. Please come at me. Just give me a reason to ruin you. DONNIE HOYLE (OFFSCREEN): [SIGH] We need to take care of this ASAP. And we're going to do it with Photoshop. So let's open up an image. We're going to create an advertisement for our attorney. This is the trade that we agreed upon for services rendered. And we're goi-- what? Hey, Pu Thai, will you stop-- please stop playing the flute. [MUSIC STOPS] DONNIE HOYLE (OFFSCREEN): This image says that root-- fruit-- I-- flute-- I didn't-- why would I ask you to stop playing fruit? Stupid monk. This image says I'm a bad-*** attorney. I'm-- and I just blew up a courtroom with my mind. And there are bits of litigations and pieces of courtroom flying in the air. And I'm coming for you, law. And that's just that sort of the action that we want to evoke and get people to be excited enough to believe that this-- he's a good attorney. So what we're going to do is we're going to create more action in his body. And so we've got the attorney on a separate layer, but you'll notice that in the background, the attorney is part of the background. So we're going to have some trouble there. And we'll have to come back and do that in a moment. But let's duplicate this layer, so we can come back to it. And in the meantime, we're-- we're going to create action with this attorney using a technique called Puppet Warp. It-- did you just pee-pee? Did-- I-- did you just pee-pee? I heard you. Just take a deep breath, get a wet nap, swab it up, let's do some grown-up Photoshop. It's not that hard. Our cursor has turned into this pin. We're now looking at the toolbar for Puppet Warp. And we're going to pin yellow balls where we think there might be joints. So on shoulder, elbow, wrist, neck, head, shoulder, elbow, wrist-- just pinning joints. It's OK-- on the knee, ankle, foot, pinning joints. And we're also going to put joints on the briefcase. And now when we select one of the balls and move it, it moves the parts but-- oh, Donnie, Donnie. Look what it's doing. It's-- it's moving my flaccid lawyer goo leg with it. Just shut off your question sprinkler, and we'll fix it. Go up to expansion, where it says two pixels and change it to zero. And you'll see now that the mesh conforms to the bitmap underneath. And so when we move the balls, everything moves along just fine. And we don't accidentally grab additional lawyer parts. And so we can now create a little bit more momentum in his body to say hey, I'm getting ready to dash in and file an affidavit and bill somebody 1/12 of an hour for my time. All right, go up here, and hit Accept. And now when we turn on the background, we'll notice that our attorney has a lot more action and momentum but-- Donnie, aw, Donnie, there's the-- the lawyer's still on the background. And we're gonna-- We're going to have a silence contest and go. What I'm going to do is I'm going to go back to my original lawyer layer. I'm going to Command Select, and that's going to have the original selection which will go around the lawyer on the background. We're going to go to Select, Modify, Expand, go by about four pixels, and now we're going to say Edit, Fill, Content Aware, and Photoshop's going to think it through and it's going to disappear the lawyer from the background. Now, it needs a little bit clean up, but that's nothing that you can possibly do. But when we switch on our newly-adjusted lawyer, he covers up most of the stuff. And just like that, we've added a little more action and drama. And to finish out the ad, we have a headline-- maybe actually start to make it look a little bit like a movie poster, just because we really want to trick people into thinking that there's something to this guy. QR code, of course, everything, is required to have a QR code now and a lens flare, which just makes it that much more sex-citing. And so in the end, what we've created is simply an advertisement that looks like a movie poster, in the hopes of tricking people into believing that it's something that they should be excited about. Use the Magic Wand tool and select the white background on the phony billboard. Select our Ad layer, click the Add Layer Mask. And now, Unhinge the mask and the artwork and select Edit, Transform, Distort to squeegee the ad into the billboard. And most assuredly, nobody would ever pick up on this ruse that we didn't really buy the ad space. Right? BETH HOYT: Yay, you suck! That's what I call a show for sure. I'm not dissing you. That's all our time for today. But we're back tomorrow with the super awesome [INAUDIBLE]. And on Wednesday, it's the big show with Retta from Parks and Rec. And tonight at 9:30, at UCB East, in New York, it's the Wainy Days live show, hosted by David Wain himself. We're celebrating the release of our MyDamnChannel original comedy Wainy Day, seasons one through four on DVD. There will be a live reading of an unproduced episode. There's going to be special guests-- famous people-- and even though it sold out weeks ago, there will be a small number of standby tickets available. So if you need your Wain, UCB East is the place to get it tonight. I'll be there. Thanks. See you tomorrow at 4:00 PM. Love you, bye. Love you, bye. Love you, bye. Love you, bye. Lo-- [INTENTIONAL STAMMERING]