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SEALs picked this guy up out of Kabul.
Name is Omar Abdul Hassan Assad Abad Ali Shaheed Muhammad.
CIA guys couldn't get anything out of him.
They said you were our best bet.
You know who I am, don't you? So you know what I'm gonna do if you don't tell me what I need to know.
You do not scare me.
Stand him up.
Where's the target? Allah, make my testicles strong against the boot of the infidel Where is the target? My *** are indestructible, my *** shaft is strong like the oak tree.
His vitals are spiking.
He can't take much more.
We're just getting started.
Agent Flowers, his heart.
No.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
Okay, look.
Maybe I was being stubborn.
Let's try and talk this out! Wait, I remember where the target is! Woodcrest! * I am the stone The builder refused * * I am the visual The inspiration * * That made lady Sing the blues * * I'm the spark That makes your idea bright * * The same spark That lights the dark * * So that you can know Left from right * * I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun * * The inner glow That lets you know * * To call your brother sun * * The story that just begun * * The promise Of what's to come * * And I'm 'a remain a soldier * * Till the war is won Won * * Chop, chop, chop Judo flip * * Chop, chop, chop Judo flip * * Chop, chop, chop Judo flip * * Chop, chop, chop * So it's true, huh? You're finally calling it quits.
Yeah.
So now you can stop spying on me.
Well, just because you say you're retiring doesn't mean you're retiring.
You could be like Jay-Z and come back, like, a couple of months later.
But it is the right thing do.
You can't fight the future.
Don't waste your life trying.
Oh, and one more thing.
You know how you always say "they" are coming to get you? Well this time "they" actually are coming to get you.
Who? Central Terrorist Agency or Unit or Uh, come on, I don't know.
A bunch of guys with guns.
Why? They seem to think you're a domestic terrorist, because you are.
I'm retired.
Why don't you go ahead and tell them that while they're waterboarding you? Is this a trick? No, a trick is a *** who'd be out spending money on these ***.
This is a warning.
Hey, man, you see my new iPhone? I got one.
I don't like the ***.
***, I love my iPhone.
This *** can do anything and everything.
Yeah, everything except make a *** phone call.
And on the line right now is regular caller, I love this guy, always has some brilliant insights, Dan Stucky.
Dan, what's *** you off today, buddy? What isn't *** me off today? Let's talk about our president, "Buck Ofama.
" It's lunacy! It's like he's declaring war on rich people.
Right now, you know, I'm a private security contractor on the front lines defending American freedom.
But I got plans to start my own business, and I figure to have about $30 million in the first two years.
Wow.
Well, Obama is gonna kill that 30 million.
Just kill it.
Yeah, he's gonna take it, redistribute it and give it to all those losers who sit around all day watching TV and getting fat.
Unbelievable, isn't it? I heard Obama's passing legislation that'll let guys who can't get laid go to your house and *** your wife.
Ha-ha-ha! Dan the Security Man, as always you are right on point.
Always good to hear from you.
Next caller.
Hey, right on time.
It's Tweedlee *** dumb *** and Tweedlee bigger dumb *** ***.
Today's our last day, Dan.
You gonna miss us? I just can't wait till we get this brand new super fantastic security system running.
Well, in 24 hours the new system will be online, the building will re-open, and we be out your life forever.
You know what keeps this building secure? Me.
A dedicated, fit, fearless security enforcement professional who can spot a godless terrorist from a mile away.
Let me see your fancy *** computer do that.
I think you'll feel differently tomorrow.
Just make sure you're here And watch the magic happen.
It's gonna be like you died and went to heaven.
Hey, do you have an iPhone? Eat my ***.
I love it.
I got everything I need for this whole operation right here.
I got my secret plans and maps.
Only problem is it's so thin, so light, it can fall out my pocket and I don't know the *** happen.
And did you know the screen was so indestructible it can stop a speeding bullet? That *** can't stop no damn bullet.
It's an iPhone, not the iSpyPhone.
Okay, timing mechanism is functioning.
Everything looks good.
Setting the timer.
I remember when these *** first came out, man.
*** would be coming up to you like, "Let me see that iPhone, let me play with it, "let me stick it up my ***, put it in my mouth, suck on it.
" Then one day, you know, I got tired of all these questions, you know what I'm saying? I let the girl stick the iPhone up her butt.
Huh, took the doctors And you know what? It was still working.
It's good to see you, Jack.
Thank you, director.
How's Tracey? I remember you two were very much in love and had your whole lives ahead of you.
Yes, we were.
Then Tracey, wait Tracey! Aw, ***, that's bad.
Yes, she died very violently, sir.
After some time passed, I was engaged to a very special woman named Eleanor.
Then Catch, Agent Flowers! Eleanor! Holy ***, that's bad.
I thought I would never love again, then I met Taquanda.
Taquanda? Yes, sir.
Taquanda.
Then No.
Jack! Get this ***! What you standing there for? *** it! Jack Flowers, you worthless white ***! Taquanda! Jesus *** Christ, that's terrible, Jack.
He tied her to a missile? What kind of deranged, Wile E.
Coyote *** is that? Well, I'd love to stand around and reminisce, but we should get to work.
We followed up on that Woodcrest clue.
Came up with one match.
Domestic terrorist with radical leftist affiliation.
Name is Huey Freeman.
Homeland wants you to pick him up.
We'll have a field team ready in 20.
Banes, are you sure about this? Look, I've done bad things in my day.
I've killed people.
I've also kicked a lot of people in the nuts.
I still hear their screams.
My nuts! But I've never hurt a child.
He's no normal child, Jack.
NSA's got a file on him thicker than a Luke dancer.
Now I don't know if you know anything about Luke dancers, Jack, but they're very thick.
Very large thighs and buttocks, Jack.
That's how thick his file is.
If he puts up a fight, you put him down.
Here's what I'm saying.
I used the Recorder app to dictate the plan into the phone.
I used the AroundMe app to find out the bomb parts and the detonators.
I used the Amazon app to price everything out.
Why pay any more than necessary for C4? ***'s gonna blow up anyway, right? Great.
Maybe one day they'll invent an app where you can actually call some *** body.
Crap.
Great.
It's no problem.
I'll just call my grandfather, he'll get us a new car.
Now let me just use the GPS to find out where we are.
We're down the street from your house, ***.
Look, that's Riley's house over there.
Yep, that's what the iPhone say.
Will you just please make the *** call? I ain't got no *** bars.
***.
* Sergeant Gutter Crank that dance * * Watch me crank that * Granddad, I know you're not gonna believe me, but I think there are government agents Boy, I don't have time for your crazy bull crap.
I don't like to be bothered when my Real Housewives of Compton is on.
Oh, no, she didn't.
Ew, yes, she did.
Damn it! Argh! Pause it, boy.
fat gorilla.
I said I will *** you bald, beyotch! Hey, Pops! We need a favor.
Have you delivered the final shipment? Not yet, we're at the Freemans' right now.
We, uh, blew a tire.
What the hell are you doing at the Freemans'? There's federal agents closing in on that house.
Get to the warehouse now! Ed, we gotta jet.
Show ain't over yet.
Now, Ed.
I told her, don't *** with me, don't *** with me.
We got some *** we gotta take care of.
Super secret type ***.
Ed, come on.
Okay, fellas, well, give your granddaddy my best.
Oh, and, uh, I'd stay away from downtown for For quite awhile.
Ed! You should only be going uptown.
Ed! U- P-T-O-W-N.
Ed! Yes, I did say that I would tap that ***.
That's what I had to say, *** but her man was good, he was good, honey.
He put it up on me Federal Agents! Good.
Got everything under control over here.
You hoes need to get up off me.
Rest of the house is clear.
Damn it.
CTA, this is Flowers.
The package is not here, I repeat, we did not get the package.
Someone must have tipped him off.
Set up a perimeter, he's probably still on foot.
I got something.
Looks like the old man's credit card was just used to buy a train ticket online.
I'm guessing our guy is on his way to the station.
We're on our way.
All units proceed in the direction of the train station.
I want this whole place searched from top to bottom.
Everything.
Oh, I can't wait.
I can't wait to see what the white man gonna do to you.
Just drive.
Jack! I got a fast-moving yellow bus about three miles ahead of you.
Looks a little suspicious.
All units, the package is believed to be on a yellow bus straight ahead.
Ah! Ah-ha! Look, look! Here come the white cavalry! Oh, they got you now, little ***.
Try to get the kid alive.
I'm gonna try and get a clean shot at the driver.
Here he is, here he is, Mr.
White Man! Ah! Oh, I hate you.
I hate you, little ***! Keep your foot on the gas! Take your foot off the gas! In this footage from yesterday, the Marines subdued the possible potential alleged suspects.
Do you know who I am? No.
Well, if you knew who I was then you would know what I'll do if you don't tell me what I need to know.
Maybe, but I don't know who you are.
Do you know what kind of damage a steel boot can do to pre-pubescent testicles? How would I know that? Tell me where the target is before I kick you in the nuts! Get your hands off of me! I'm a proud American! *** it! I knew this great country was gonna go straight to *** in a sandwich bag once that bean pie chef became commander in chief! Do you want me to kick you in the nuts? No.
Do you want me to kick you in the nuts? No.
Do you want me to Wait, Jack.
I do not want you to kick him in the nuts.
Why? He's innocent, but we found something big at his house, or should I say, thin and light.
This iPhone was found at the Freeman residence, but it belongs to an Ed Wuncler III.
Looks like he's the guy we're looking for.
We found the attack plans, blueprints, schedule, everything.
According to this, the target is Wuncler Plaza.
There's something else.
A large shipment of unknown materials in a warehouse.
It doesn't say anything about what it might be? No, but it's definitely related to today's attack.
We all know what it is.
Bio-nuclear anthrax.
Bio-nuclear anthrax.
All right, let's move.
Call Wuncler Plaza.
Tell them to evacuate the building immediately.
Jack, I want you to find out what's in that warehouse, and then go after Ed III and his grandfather.
I'll get you a field team in 10 minutes.
Yes, sir.
Look, Huey, I apologize for what happened in there.
But nobody is above the law.
Wuncler is gonna pay for this.
You have my word.
Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention? I'm afraid we have to abort the mission to arrest Ed III and his grandfather.
What? What about the bomb? Sorry, Jack, turns out some people are above the law.
The Wunclers will not pay for what they did today.
You have my word.
Good work, everyone.
Have a good weekend.
And, oh, uh, no going rogue.
I got the tequila.
Who's got the salt? I'm going rogue.
Huey, you've got to get to Wuncler Plaza and try to get as many people out of there before it blows.
A second ago you were gonna kick me in the nuts.
Huey, please, I'm just doing my job.
It's a crappy job, but somebody's gotta kick people in the nuts.
And sometimes you kick the wrong person in the nuts and that's tragic.
But now we can both make sure it's the right set of nuts that get kicked.
You little black communist niglit! I wanna press full charges! I Jack Flowers.
You do know who I am, right? Why Oh, w-why yes, sir.
You're Jack Flowers.
You kick them Arab terrorist son of a *** in the nuts.
You, sir, are an American hero.
Right now I need you to be a hero, and help Huey get to Wuncler Plaza before a bomb goes off.
Yes, sir, mister, sir.
Come on, little ***.
You heard the man.
Move your little communist *** so we can save some white folks.
Open the door! Hey, ***.
Building's closed.
Look, we gotta get everybody out of here.
There are bombs in the building.
Ain't nobody in here but me.
And I'm giving the orders around here.
Who the *** are you two? Okay, we tried.
Now hush your mouth.
This is a white men talking.
Hey, wait a minute.
You two are the terrorists.
I don't know how you two escaped, but you two *** with the wrong security enforcement officer.
I ain't going anywhere.
And neither are you.
What the? Come on! Come on! I need the password to unlock the door.
I was given a mission by Jack Flowers, the greatest white man since G.
I.
Joe.
And that mission is to get you out of here safely.
Now, what's the password to open the door? Eat my ***! Sir, do not make me use enhanced interrogation techniques.
Eat my ***! Give us the password! Eat my ***! Eat my ***! * Stomp him in the nuts Stomp him in the nuts * Ruckus, wait! Eat my ***.
My God, what have I done? Oh, I have seen the enemy, and it is me.
Oh, wait a minute.
I- I can't find my iPhone.
I think I dropped it! ***, you dropped the iPhone that had everything on it? What if somebody found it? They'd know exactly Tell me who the man is on these T-shirts.
He's a dead man, just like you.
Oh, ***! ***! Oh, no.
Wow.
Go ahead, Steve.
I am so sorry, Mr.
White Man.
Never again will this foot touch white nuts.
Ruckus! Come on! We gotta go now.
Come on.
Run! Run for your lives, it's coming down! Huey, it's Jack.
Did you get everyone out of the building in time? Well, yeah, but it was just one person.
Meet me at the Wuncler estate.
We're gonna finish this.
These are hard times.
Americans need inspiration.
People want real life to be like in the movies.
With good guys and bad guys and black guys, all that ***.
This country needed a rallying cry.
A reminder of why it's great to be an American.
So you just make this stuff up? No, several over-paid members of the Writers-***-Guild of America make this stuff up.
This is just a joke to you.
We're talking about the lives of innocent Americans.
Innocent American.
Singular.
Daniel Stucky, a.
k.
a.
Dan the Security Man.
Have you ever met Dan Stucky, Jack? He's a ***.
A waste of functioning organs.
But dead? He would have been a national hero.
We had Dan the Security Man action figures, fast food tie-ins, video games, a limited edition collectable sneaker line.
We had Dan ribbons, Dan buttons, and Dan ringtones, and a feature film starring Jack Black.
And all he had to do was die.
But why? Don't you have enough money? No.
I'm taking you into custody.
You have till the count of three or I will shoot.
One.
More than enough time.
Two.
Agent Flowers.
Jack, it's the president.
First of all, I want to congratulate you on the fine work you've done today.
But Mr.
President, this man has conspired to Yes, sir.
Yes, Mr.
President.
You can let yourselves out.
Huey, you did a good thing today.
You saved a man's life.
They don't win until you give up.
They don't win until you stop fighting.
You can't fight the future.
Don't waste your life trying.
Boy! Oh, we're so glad you're okay.
I'm so sorry I didn't listen to you.
Back off.
Everyone stay back or he dies! Help! Somebody shoot this ***! You can't do this to me! Let me go.
You know who I am? Granddaddy! What are you waiting for? Shoot him.
Granddaddy! Man, we might have to think about moving.
This neighborhood ain't what it used to be.
Aw, man, we saw you on the news with all them Marines pointing guns at you.
And you was looking hard too.
You was like, "What? What?" Man, Huey, you were really right this time.
You said it was gonna happen and it happened.
Imagine all the problems we could avoid if we ever start listening to you.
Oh, well!
