Maron S2E3 - English Transcript

1 [indistinct conversations] [dance music playing] Hey, birthday girl. Having fun? Yes. That's the third time you asked me. I-it's a great party. I'm just not any happier about turning 30. You know, don't worry about it. When you hit my age, you're not even gonna remember your 30s. Wow. Okay. Here. - What? That was a joke. It was a joke. Wow. Teach me, master. - Oh, great. You guys. Tick, tock, tick, tock. You know what I'm saying? - Come on, man. Whose side are you on? Yeah, man, give him a break. If NPR wanted kids, he'd have had them a long time ago. I -- - What are you, like 70? All right, okay, look, the timing was just never right. You know, give me a break. - I think you'd be great with kids 'cause you're like a dad and a grandpa all rolled into one. - Thank you. A drandpa! - Wow, that's clever. You -- you proud of yourself? - It is. You better have some more of this laying around because, hey, come on. - Yeah, maybe you better slow down, Belushi. Tick, tock, tick, tock. Huh? Want to hit a meeting? Bluto, nice to see you. That was completely uncalled for, but also 100% true. [sighs] I think your, uh -- your friend with the bangs threw up on the succulents. That must mean it was a pretty good party, right? Yeah, it was good. Well, it doesn't have to end, 'cause I got one more present. Oh. Hawaii. Wow, that's Wow. Really, that's it? Kevin gave you a new pair of headphones, and you jumped up and did a twerk thing. I will give you more than a twerk, mister. Oh, yeah? Ooh. Look at that. Wow. What's happening? - Mmm. Ohh. How about tonight, you *** inside of me? Ooh. Um I don't know. Uh N-no? Oh, come on. Really? Really? [sighs] ["The poisoned well" plays] Won't fall for it you can't see and you can't tell I just can't drink from the poisoned well I-I-I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I give her "a," she gets pissed off I don't give her "b," "c," and "d," and I just don't know where it stops. I mean, do the demands ever stop? You're a family man. Do they? Yeah, sometime after the fourth kid. [laughing] Oh, man. Look, I-I'm not stupid. I know what the end game is. I'm just not ready to go there yet, and she thinks I'm stalling. Are you? - No, I'm -- I'm waiting. For what? - For her to grow up. Okay, I think we should put the focus on you, Marc. I don't know what that means. What does that mean exactly? I don't know. [laughs] It's just something our marriage counselor says all the time. You have no idea. I think it means you have to be honest with yourself because that's the only thing you actually have control over. All right, well, I g-- I guess I'm scared. Right. - You okay, buddy? I hate to do this. I'm sorry. I got to go to the john. Really? We're about to wrap up. Like two minutes? [straining] I made a plate of huevos rancheros for the kids this morning. I ended up eating the whole *** pan. ***, do I have to draw you a picture? I'm sorry. All right, all right, all right. Let's go. Let's go. Okay, man. All right. Just -- just hang out here for a second, buddy. Let me give Jen the heads-up, all right? What? Just hang out. Just hang out. Ohh. Why don't you send out an e-mail blast while you're at it? Put up some fliers. Ohh! [knock on door] Jen. Jesus. Don't you knock? I did. Hey, look, Dave Koechner has to use the bathroom. Who? - Dave Koechner. He was in "Anchorman. " He was in The other "Anchorman. " He was on -- look, w-w-why are you taking a-a bubble bath in the middle of a Wednesday, anyways? Dave: Ugh! I'm just gonna grab some napkins. Ew! What is he talking about? You know what? I don't even want to know. Just hand me a towel. [sighs] This is why we need a second bathroom. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. I get it. We need a bigger house. I understand. I'm just not good with deadlines. Life has deadlines, Marc. Wow, tough talk from someone whose amex bill I pay. Remember how I applied to all those grad schools? - I do. Well, I got in. - Congratulations. I'm so proud of you. In Seattle -- starts this fall. Is that a threat? That sounds like a threat. Are you threatening me? Well, that ship has sailed. Seattle peaked when I was like your age. Dave. Dave, the, uh, bathroom's open. Well, too late. You just got yourself some free fertilizer. Oh, you might want to keep your eye on that ficus. It's about to get giant. So you *** in my yard? Okay. That's okay. Not bad, to be honest. This might be a new thing for me. - Yeah? Total *** freedom. - Good for you. I got to be honest with you -- I think that one you had in the chamber might have cost me a new house. Hey, you want to be honest about this? - Uh-huh. My wife and I have this marriage shrink. Uh-huh. - Guy works wonders. Yeah? - My wife -- she doesn't nag me about my drinking anymore. Uh-huh. - I did not even have to give her a sixth kid. Wow. Good. [laughs] Can you imagine number six? - Some therapy, huh? That was good. The guy's amazing. - Yeah? Dr. Warren -- I'll get you his info, all right? - Okay. Yeah. He'll have you lovebirds back on track in no time. - Yeah. I mean, if that's what -- you know. - Did you wash up? Hey, you didn't wash up, did you? Good idea. Where's the garden hose? We -- we can just go to the bathroom in the house. Dave. - Better idea. Yeah. - Yeah, sure. Why not? I can't believe we're not even married, and we're already going to couples counseling. Koechner swears by this guy. Just trust me. All right? Oh, right, the guy who took a *** in our yard. So glad we're taking his advice. Marc: I just don't think she can handle the responsibility of a child. I mean, she can barely be responsible for herself. What? Just because I can drink alcohol and smoke a little weed with my friends without losing complete control of my life, like him -- you're a total buzz kill. - Wow, that's sweet. Ouch. I get it. You see what I'm dealing with? Did you ever consider you have a father, and it's not me? Oh, God. This again. Wow, o-okay. Um, you know, when a simple question like, "why are you in therapy?" elicits that kind of a response, I-I think there's a lot on the table. - That doesn't sound good. No, no, no. E-everything's fine. E-everything's great. Um You know what I like to do in a situation like this? I like to sometimes bring in a second therapist, you know, just to help us work through some of the issues. Now, you're in luck because my wife also happens to work out of our home. So with your permission, I'd like to see if she's available to work with us. What is this? Therapy or a dinner party? I know. Seems a little odd, but at the same time, we can work through our couples work, and then you guys can work through your personal issues with her separately -- sound good? Yeah. Great! I'll get her right now. [chuckles] It's weird. This was your idea. I hope it doesn't cost double. We actually met our first year in the same doctorate program. Oh, we did. We did. [chuckles] Of course, I finished first. Oh. [chuckles] Guilty. [chuckles] I'm slow. [chuckles] Well, I was just so young, you know? I had so much energy. It's true. - You can probably relate to that. Yeah. [laughs] Age difference is fine. I find that, actually, we're -- we're very -- it works well. It works well. - Sure. Sure. This is -- no, this is good. Oh, I can see why you called me in. [both laugh] She's good. - Ahh. You know, Delphine really gets it. I mean, you've had two train-wreck marriages, so naturally, you're terrified of commitment. Uh-huh. Marc. You're doing exactly what they told us not to do, remember? Empathetic listening? Right. Yes, right, okay. All right. I hear and accept your concerns, but I think that my concerns about you pushing me into marriage and into starting a family are valid and need to be addressed, as does your dishes and whatever that pile of clothing is in the hallway. I hear and I accept your concerns, and I have been proactive about it. Ergo, I got a robot vacuum cleaner. Hey! Hmm. I don't know. I think that's gonna scare the *** out of the cats. Wow. [wavering guitar chord plays] Warren: All right, Marc, um, before we start our one-on-one session, you have any questions? Yes. How does our team win? Really? Nothing? Look, don't get me wrong, Marc. I love humor, but do you really see this as a competition? I mean, 'cause it shouldn't be. Oh, really? Well, maybe you ought to tell her that. Hold on. Do you hear that? [laughter in distance] Do you hear that? I think it's coming through the vent. I can hear Jen's laugh. No, Marc, Marc, look, you shouldn't just concentrate on that right now. Just shut up for a second. Marc, just look. Marc, sit back. Stop listening. Stop listening, okay? Look, don't worry about them. This is not a competition, okay? Whatever you think, man, but right now she's turning your wife against me. Okay, look, Delphine is a professional. - Mm. She's not turning anyone against anyone, okay? - Mm-hmm. So let's just stop talking about them, and let's concentrate on this fella right here, Mr. Marc Maron, okay? Okay. Fine. - Good. So, uh, where should we start? How come, uh, they got the better office? Okay. I come home late from the movie, and he thinks I'm cheating. And then to prove I'm not lying, I have to relate the entire plot of "Looper," which is really difficult 'cause there's parts of it that I didn't even understand. [chuckles] Yeah, that's -- that does sound trying. You know, s-she wants me to change, but she's not willing to change. He has this insane temper. I mean, you never know when he's gonna blow up. I mean, what's so wrong with laughing at "The Big *** Theory"? You know, she works with special-needs kids. I mean, I-if that's the case, why can't she deal with me better? He has no problem ridiculing me onstage just to get a laugh. She's only interested in having a baby, not being with me. I'm -- I'm hearing a lot of negatives. Are there any positives? Yeah, sure. Uh, she can hold her own in an argument. - Great. Um, she says really funny *** when she's pissed. Angry. - Yeah, yeah. And the sex is Cathartic. Oh, it's so intense. Like, I feel like he's gonna have a heart attack inside of me. You know those spiders that kill and devour each other right at climax? Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. - It's like that Only with crying. Okay. Very good. Wait. What was the question? Does not matter. I am in the prime of my life. I mean, why did I have to fall in love with a 50-year-old, twice-divorced guy with anger issues? I mean, what does that say about me? I know what it says. It says I got to be out of my mind to go through this again. I mean, what's wrong with me? Um It's almost like my *** is a broken detector. [chuckles] That's a good one. - I know, right? That was a good one. - Well, it's true. Look, Marc, the -- the thing we all have to accept as couples is that every couple has growing pains. Nobody's broken here. Uh, it's just that you each have your own issues, you know? And -- and the -- the question is how you deal with those issues. Now, Delphine and I -- you know, we excel not because of these diplomas on the wall, but because we've had the exact same issues that you have. Does your chick have three bathroom drawers full of nail polish? No. [chuckles] She does have four drawers full of blow dryers, though. Oh, I'm sorry, buddy. - Huh? Come on. I know. Is that a high-five, or was that -- that's a high-five. Yeah. - All right. It's hard to tell midway through. Did you notice he was wearing socks that matched her skirt the other day? I know. It's like, "We get it. You're perfect. " You know, when I was walking to the bathroom, they had not one, but two entire bookshelves full of tantric-sex books. No. - Yeah, they probably, like, stare each other in the eyes when they come. Oh, God. I don't even want to picture them doing that. [chuckles] I-I bet you that she, like, makes him clean the oven and probably, like -- like, puts, like, a -- like, a strap-on on, you know, and just stands behind him going, "You want this? You want this?" But he can't do anything 'cause it's like a dirty-diaper-scenario thing. So he's just like, "I don't know if I want it. I don't know. " You haven't thought about this at all. No, not at all. I haven't thought about it. Oh, God. - All right. So, this is amazing. Dinner -- dinner's almost done, and no fights. Maybe therapy's, uh, panning out. You know - What? You're not so far away from a dirty-diaper scenario yourself, mister. Does that mean you're gonna put a strap-on on and -- That's weird. - Is that what you want? No, no, I don't even know why I said that. So, look, uh, we're sorry we're gonna miss next week's session, but we're gonna be riding sea turtles in Kauai. Oh! - Yeah. And also, uh, I'm pretty happy to report that I think we've been making some progress since last week. Huh. Well, before we get too optimistic, um, I think we should get specific about the issues. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like, um -- like, what's holding Marc back? - Yeah. One of the things that's holding Marc back is being spoken about like he's not in the room. Fair enough. - Oops. [both chuckle] Fair enough. No, no. - Little hostile, okay. Marc, you say that you want to move forward, but you still refer to Jen as broken. Let's talk about that. I didn't say that. I'm sorry. I was under the impression that you -- you said your *** was, uh, some sort of detection device for broken women. I'm broken? You think that I'm broken? No, no, I -- no. I don't -- I don't think you're broken. I think we all have issues. Well, that's not what you said. Uh, I think there's been some confusion here. Um Warren, can we talk privately for a second? You know, I think we're better off talking all this -- I think now is what I'm talking about! Sure, yeah, me too. Okay. Right in here, right in here. What the hell, man?! You sold me out! Come on, keep your voice down. Keep your voice down. It was a joke, for Christ's sake! You knew that! I mean, did you tell her about the Jon Hamm dream, too? No, no, no, Marc, look. It's like all therapists -- we consult with each other on a professional level. Oh, is that what you call it? "Consulting"? Well, that's weird, because it sounds a lot like gossiping to me. - Marc, come on. What, you're gonna stand there and *** me to my face? You didn't need to repeat that. So, are you excited about Hawaii? One night, I was trying to fill the silence and the void with her, you know, by -- by just kind of being entertaining, and it slipped out. I didn't even think she heard me, you know? I mean, she's so busy I. M. ing with old flames on Facebook, I didn't think it registered. [sighs] All right, man. All right. Okay. Okay. Cool. Okay. Hey, look, the -- the most important thing is we just don't derail the progress we've been making by going out there and harping on this in front of Delphine, right? - Yeah. I just think it'd be best for everyone, when we get out there, you just dropped it, you know what I mean? I-I-if you bring it up, it's gonna be worse for all of us. All right, okay. - Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay? Cool? - Yeah, yeah, I'm okay. Yeah, I'm cool, I'm cool. Okay. Good. All right. Thanks, pal. Thanks. Oh! Here we go. Hey. Hello. - Hello, hello. All right? You know what? Here's what we'll do. Let's go over a few skills that the two of you can practice between your limbos and luaus. Oh, great idea because, of course, vacation is such a great time to start new, better habits, right? Yeah, it is. Mm-hmm. Marc, instead of focusing on Jen's shortcomings, I want you to focus on being the best partner that you can be. Great idea. - All right? So then, if a conflict -- Everyone in this room is a liar. Excuse me? - Here we go. Look, I know you two are having personal issues, but how about attempting a little professionalism? What is he -- - No, you know what? I-I think we're just about out of time, so we can -- but what -- You think just because you color-coordinate your outfits that you can judge us? - Marc, what the hell are you doing? They're no better off than us. They're worse than us. He's terrified of her, and she's trolling for *** on Facebook. Oh, boy. - What are you -- please tell me you were not discussing our marriage. with a client?! Jesus Christ. Yeah, how does that feel, Warren, to be someone else's gossip fodder? Look, I barely said anything. You are jeopardizing our entire practice right now. Oh, wait, I'm acting unprofessionally? Is that what's going on? Because I hear you flirting with your Friday at 4:00 through the wall, and it sounds like you're on a *** date! Oh, my God. How do you know what goes on in my sessions? A-are you eavesdropping? - Gee, I don't think I'm deaf, because I certainly can't not hear you laughing hysterically at everything he says! Why don't you just marry the guy?! "Why don't you just marry the guy?!" Listen to yourself! Do you know how effeminate you sound? I -- I think this has been a great session. You've made a lot of progress. What? Screw this. Jen, come on. [sighs] Well, that's awesome. - Thank you. Thank you. Good luck with everything. That's great. We got birthday presents to buy. We will talk to you after your vacation! Have a good one! [indistinct shouting] I knew this double-therapy thing was weird. They should pay us for that session. [engine turns over] Hey, Jen. Unlock the door. Jen. What's happening? Come on! Hey, baby. I think I walked off my entire childhood. It's a great idea angrily leaving me without a ride. It's very cathartic. Hello? So, uh -- so, did you cool down? What, are you getting a head start on the packing, or -- Yes, I am packing. Uh, are we okay? I mean, I-I think Hawaii's gonna be, you know, more help to us than therapy, actually. I'm not going, Marc. What are you talking about? Come on. I mean, therapy was a disaster, but I think -- No, it wasn't a disaster. It was really helpful. It made us both realize that we don't want a future together. That is not true for me. I mean, you're projecting here. I just wanted to wait until we worked some stuff out. No, you need to work some stuff out. I am fine. I know exactly what I want. [sighs] You're a child, and I'm not gonna have a child with a child. Come on, why can't we talk about this? This all goes away in Hawaii. That's what Hawaii's for. Fine. Go to Hawaii. Have a great time. I'll be in Seattle. Can't we talk about it? What's there to talk about, Marc? It's an all-paid vacation. It's an all-inclusive resort. I mean, I can't go down there alone with all those buffets. What do you want from me? What, do you want me to put a baby in you right now? Is that what you want? Yes, Marc! Put a baby in me, okay?! Come on! Right now! Let's go! Let's do it! Come on. Is this sexy? Put a baby in me! [sighs] Exactly. [engine turns over] [engine revs] Look, I'm not what anyone would call the easiest fellow, okay? And as some of you can tell from my voice, there is some *** going down with me. I don't want to get into specifics, but my relationship is, uh -- is over. And I feel horrible. And the saddest part about it is that we both still love each other. We just couldn't make it work. We -- we -- we -- we tried everything, and we just couldn't make it work. I mean, it's nobody's fault. You know, it takes two to toxic, so we had to end it. And I miss her. And I feel like, you know, not only is -- is part of my life missing, but part of my brain is missing, part of my heart is missing. I mean, I haven't felt this sad and alone in -- I-I mean, I don't -- I don't know how long. [scoffs] I-I just don't know if I'm ever gonna get this relationship thing right. I mean, how much time do I have left? I mean, that's cynical, but, I mean, seriously. I mean, it'll -- it'll get better, right? Right? Hey, look, if you're in the market for, uh, condoms, lube, or things that go buzz and hum in the night, I have got a deal for you. My sponsor will deliver you erotica, sex toys, discreetly packaged -- I can't do this now. Damn. [keyboard clacks] [sighs]