Porridge S2E6 - English Transcript

S-L-A-A-A-A-M-M-M-M! JUDGE: Norman Stanley Fletcher, it is now my duty to pass sentence. DOORS SLAM You treat arrest as an occupational hazard, and presumably accept imprisonment in the same casual way. SLAM! We therefore sentence you to the maximum term: you will go to prison for five years. You made the team, Lennie? Yeah. Well Champ, is it? Not yet. Double rations, then? If I want. I thought the point was getting double rations. Then I'd be overweight, not middle-weight! You're not complaining about the food! No. It's better than some people get at home. I know About prison food, that is It just doesn't look much. Neither does concrete and that tastes bad, too. That's all right, glad to see you're being sensiblepardon? Thank you, Sid. Hi, Sid. Hi, Fletch. Oh Gawd, the athlete! It's better than draughts. You should lose a couple of pounds. Thanks to draughts I just WON a couple of pounds. You cheat at draughts. I'll knock your block off! You won't, cos I made the team. Gerroff! Where's your guard? He's outside, will I call him in!? Siddown and shurrup! Boxing, huh! You've taken every naffing course in this prison! 'O' Levels, pottery, Spanish! Going to be an interpreter(?) Si, senor. Six months of intensive study and all I get is "Si, senor"! No, listen No tiene vacca pero tiene uno burro. Go on, then, I'll buy it. I haven't got a cow, but I have got a donkey. Oh, that'll come in very handy on your first Spanish holiday(!) A shy little senorita whispers sweet nothings up your nose and you say "I haven't got a cow, darlin', but I've got a donkey"! Vaya con Dios. That's Spanish. You Brummies would do better learning English! I wish you'd stop boxing. You bring a terrible smell 'ere. Takes away the smell of your after-shave. I'm chuffed about making the team. You're only boxing for our wing. Hardly Madison Square Gardens(!) Sport is the great working-class escape, like Rock and Roll. You'll get round to that! I've got the credentials. Deprived childhood Mr Bayliss says I got natural ability. If you show all the flair that you did for Spanish, you're due a clobbering! Que sera, sera. Kiss a WHAT!? Grouty wants to see ya. Pardon? Grouty wants a word. Are you running for Grouty now!? One of his Firm. He IS scraping the barrel! Watch it! Now he's under Harry's wing he's full of bravado, eh? Will you come? I might. I'm supposed to take you with me! I'm a bit heavy to lift, Jackdaw. Tell him I'm going to cut me toe-nails. On your head be it. Yaergh! Was that wise? Yeah. I know Harry's got a long history of mayhem and violence behind him, but this is the last year of a long, long stretch, innit? He won't ***-up his release at this stage. Suppose not. He's happy runnin' all the rackets. Why does he want you? He may want a slice of my draughts action. Where's me clippers? You're not cutting your toe-nails! I ain't growin' them indefinitely! Me foot won't reach out the window. Not on MY bunk! Sorry if I offend your sense of propriety(!) An' I wish you'd take a shower. The place is full of linament. It smells like a Turkish wrestler's jockstrap! Well, you should know about that! Yes! Don't get up, Godber. Well, I'm told congratulations are in order. Oh, the boxing Fine sport, boxing. The Noble Art. Teaches discipline, team spirit 'Course, I was no slouch myself at your age. Oh, no. I once boxed for Midlothian Boys. Oh? Who against? Lanarkshire Girls? I boxed for my battalion. Did you? Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders. A great regiment I was proud to serve. And now defunct. Despite the nerks I expect YOU were in the Ordnance Corps, out of the line of fire. Probably served your time embezzling stores somewhere cushy like Shewburyness! Ha-ha(!) You're wrong. I saw active service - Malaya. Kuala Lumpur, that's where I did my embezzling. And it was the RASC. What's that? Run Away Someone's Coming. Service would have done you good. Army looks after its boxers. I don't reckon boxing's such a noble art. You wouldn't! I had a friend once. He was a light-heavy. Strong lad. He won a few fights. So he thought he was the bee's knees. Fast cars, loose women. Classic story. He just blew up. Got into debt. Know where he finished up? In a boxing booth in a fairground. Four fights a night, 7 days a week. The body can't take that. His brain went soft, his reflexes went. He just became a vegetable - an incoherent, non-thinking zombie. What became of him? He became a prison warden. He's doing very well. Hello, Grout. CLOSING MUSIC FROM "THE ARCHERS" Archers. Never miss. They still on? Doris is in a state. She's got Dutch Elm Disease. Poor old Doris. Don't you follow it? No, not since Grace copped it when I was in Shepton Mallet. I like radio, mind - Desert Island Discs, Gardeners' Question Time A Book at Bedtime - never miss that. 'Course, we're not allowed wireless that late. No-one ever told me! No, I don't suppose they dared. Nice place. You like it? Yeah. I like the lamp. It's a memento of Alassio - that's in Italy. They extradited you from there? That's right. I came back handcuffed to Scotcher of the Yard on Alitalia. I paid the extra for first-class. Bit of a perk for him. He'd never been south of Worthing before. He bought the Chianti and I got him some Sambuca. Very nice. Come in, Jackdaw. Cocoa, Fletch? Oh, thanks. Ta. Sugar? Thank you. Short on sugar, are you(?) Shall I feed Seymour? Yeah, go on. Seymour? Oh, our feathered friend. He provides a bit of company for me. In Parkhurst I had a pigeon. Oh, like the Birdman of Alcatraz! Not really. No. No, not really, no A pigeon must have taken up more room. Just a bit. But it kept me in touch with the bookmakers. Oh! Brought me a few bob. What did you do with it when you left? I ate it. That's very nice Yeah You better watch your step, Jackdaw. Will that be all? Probably, but hang about. Oh, Jackdaw, we're in conference, so do the minding, right. Right. Do you want to Bath Oliver? You got a BATH!? Oh, a biscuit. Yeah. No, I got to watch the weight. Well then, Fletch. W-well then, Grouty. There's a boxing match? Yeah, inter-prison championship. Money to be made. You mean a flutter? Competition means there's a winner and a loser. Which is all right, provided you're on the winner. Yeah. Forgive me, but do you really need the funds? People GIVE you money, don't they? Where's the fun in that? We're talking of SPORT. Speculation, tension, the thrill of the outcome. Thrill of the outcome. Yeah, yeah. That's why I want you to fix the fight. You WHAT!? That's putting it a bit strong. I want you to feed me information, so that I get all my thrill of speculation and excitement from knowing I'm on a certainty. But what "information"? There's SEVEN fights. But they all train in the same gym, so it just needs someone with an expert eye to run over the form. Someone like yourself. CRUNCH OF PENCIL Now, as you know, in this nick I got a bit of a rival, that presumptious upstart, Billy Moffat. That nerk! He's no contest. Nevertheless, he's running a book! So, I'd like to take him to the cleaners. I see your point, but, well, I've always been a bit of a loner. I see myself as the Randolph Scott of Slade Prison. I don't want to be responsible to nobody, even someone as distinguished as you. So it's best if I say, adamantly, that I must decline your flattering invitation. Thanks for the cocoa. You disappoint me, Fletch. Well, when do I start, then? Keep the elbows in. That's it. That's right, follow him. Break! What are YOU on?! Charity walk(?) You know I don't get involved in the recreational pastimes here. When all around me is a frenzy of activity, I'm happy to be on me bunk, whittling. But I was lying there, thinking about the honour of the wing. It would be a crime not to offer you my experience. What experience is this, Fletcher? Oh, hello, Mr Mackay. My experience of ringcraft - the Noble Art. It's at Mr Bayliss' disposal. We don't know what to say! We are overwhelmed(!) Right. In the ring. In the ring? In the RING!? To show the lads a thing or two. No, I'm here to offer my ADVICE. Must show the lads the old magic's still there, or how will they believe in you? England believes in Don Revie but he don't get on the park! Angelo Dundee doesn't spar with Ali. minding the gum-shield. If he wants to work for the sqaud he has to show willing, hasn't he? - Yeah! - Come on, Fletcher. Out you get, Larry. Easy, sonny, or I'll lose my rag. Get your guard up! Seconds out. RINGS BELL. The Fire Drill! Back to the cells. FLETCHER! Ahem. Come in, Fletch. How are you, then? I'll survive, I suppose. Should I? Yeah, keep an eye. I preferred your other place. The less we're seen together, the better. So, what's the form, then? It's anyone's guess who'll win the flyweight, since they are equally stupid and cowardly, see. Just a question of who bursts into tears first. Big Mac's a certainty for heavyweight. We all know that! The other certainty is Godber. Being his second I've been able to give him a bit of the old I've heard he's well favoured. And Nesbit, his opponent, he can't do it. It's no contest. That's the one, then. You won't get good odds on Godber! But I will on Nesbit. Oh, no, Harry, PLEASE! Tell your lad to go down in the second. Oh, come on, Grouty, not the lad! It means a lot to him. And to ME. Billy Moffatt will be on your boy. Why not nobble Big Mac? You'd get twice the odds. Where's the credibility in Big Mac going down!? He put four screws in hospital when someone knocked his jigsaw over. Can you see Hermiston beating HIM? David beat Goliath. Yeah, with a sling full of shot! Put some shot in his glove. It's gotta be Godber. I don't reckon he'll do it. He's young, idealistic. He's still got scruples. He may not have 'em much longer! Oh dear! Anybody we know? 232425 Twenty five, Fletch. Very commendable(!) Thank you. And I did twenty pull-ups on the wall-bars in the gym. Twenty? Really? Pull-ups, yeah. Is it worth it? How d'you mean? I mean, is it worth it? All these pull-ups and press-ups and exercises. It's a bit daft. It's all punishment, innit? It's for the boxing I know. And that is my worry, you see. Why? Well, my concern, my very real concern, is that you have neglected your pottery class. And all the artistic activities that you used to indulge in. And your Elementary Plumbing? That's gone right down the drain. Boxing's a mug's game, innit? Want some snout? No, I'd better not. Suit yourself. I've got some of your favourite chocolate. Fruit and nut. Thanks very much. That's very kind of you. I'll save it till after the fight. Suit yourself. Are you all right? Eh? Well, tea, chocolate, snout. Normally you're so mean. Me, mean!? Maybe my right cross did you permanent brain damage. You should see the MO and have your bumps felt(!) Listen, you cheeky young ***! That's it. That's the old Fletch. It's NOT the old Fletch you see, but a very troubled man. Oh? I'm cynical cos I've seen it all, but YOU haven't seen NOTHING! You haven't had the idealism ground out of youYET! I-I've got to ask you Well, I've got to TELL you what someone has asked me well, TOLD me Well, they was wondering, you see Well, they was INSISTING if you could see your way clear not that you got much choice God, I don't know how to say this. What are you trying to say? Tomorrow ain't gonna be your night. How? Big Grouty wants you to take a dive in the second. Don't look at me like that. I know you're shocked. I'm ashamed. I can't do it I know, I know. I respect you for it. But you gotta try and see it from MY position. I just CAN'T. Why not? What is it, anyway? It's meaningless. I know that. Then why can't you do it? For ME? I already promised Billy Moffat that I'd go down in the first. You what!? YOU PROMISED BILLY MOFFAT Ssshh! (You promised Billy Moffat you'd go down in the first!?) Yeah. Well, I just do not understand the modern generation! Would you mind telling me why? He asked me first. That's all right, then(!) Case of the highest bidder, is it!? Come off it! I might be innocent, but I'm not bloody daft. I'm au fait with reality inside. It's the easy way out. No skin off MY nose. It's ME that'll get skinned! And NOT off me nose! I suppose you want your fruit and nut back? I certainly do! I'm really disappointed in you. You could have been a contender. But you said! Never mind that! Nothing to do with you what I said. Our relationship has changed entirely! I've not been so let down since my son crept back into his school and peeped at the exam papers. Did he? Yes, he did! And he STILL didn't bleedin' pass! I don't know what to make of youngsters today. No moral fibre. They won't be told, will they? Poses a problem, though, doesn't it? Oh! Godber's still gonna lose! We're all on Nesbit to win, so there's no conflict of interest. There's no odds! All the big money in this nick is on Nesbit. Could we just withdraw gracefully? It's getting very complicated. Couldn't you just demand money with menaces? It doesn't satisfy my sporting instinct. I told you before, I like the excitement, the old adrenalin. No, there's only one thing for it. If they've nobbled Godber, we've got to make sure that he wins. But HOW? You nobble Nesbit. Hoi! What's up, Fletch!? I want a word. What? (The fix is on. ) I know. I go down in the first. Yeah. So does Nesbit. What!? Yeah. Which is very serious for all three of us. THREE of us? You win - trouble with Moffat. Nesbit wins - trouble with Grout. Whoever wins, I'm in trouble with BOTH. One of us will suffer. I think it's gonna be me - TWICE. It ain't the outcome of the fight I worry about, it's the outcome of the outcome. It's not good, eh? The one speculation is who hits the canvas first. What'll we do!? RIBALD CHEERING AND BOOING Right lads, I want a good fight. And you fight fair, all right? All right, go on in there, son. And may the best man lose. BELL RINGS ANGRY BOOING AND JEERING Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight, nine, out! Thanks. I don't seem to have any small change. Awfully sorry. Put it on the bill. You all right? 'Course I am. He hardly touched me. Did Grouty suspect? No! All the bets were null and void. So he didn't gain anything, but he didn't lose anything either. Nor did he lose any prestige. Nobody won, and nobody lost. Yeah. Well, that's not exactly true. How do you mean? There was SOMEONE who came out ahead. . . You? I won quite a few bob off that bent warder in the bakery. How!? I was the only bloke what bet on a draw! Chocolate?