Key and Peele S3E12 - English Transcript

Okay, that's the least of my worries in episodes I, II, and III, by the way. Oh, you're talking about George Lucas and how he's been completely seduced by CGI. Oh, [bleep]! - Paint? - This is a new shirt. - Are you kidding me? - Damn! - Damn. - Oh, God-- - That sucks. - This is so-- Look at this. (chuckles) It's like I got two little paint *** on my shirt now. (chuckles) (dubstep music) What are you looking at? Hmm? What? Dude, my eyes are up here. Yeah. Eyes. Wha-- (music stops suddenly) Dude, what are you doing? It's paint. What are you doing? Come on, we've had a good time today, haven't we? You know? We hung out the whole day. It's paint! Paint! It comes off. see? - See how that comes off, huh? - Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Oh, dude, stop it. Just stop it. You want me to stop it, then stop licking your little ***. They're not real ***. - What? - Oh-- (groans) - Really? Twice? - Unbelievable. Hello, ladies. (dubstep music) Yeah. (soul music) (cheers and applause) Whoa! Thank you! - All right. - Thank you. Good evening. I am Keegan-Michael Key. - I'm Jordan Peele. - And we are Key and Peele. Thank you for coming out. There is a real-life dude Named Silverberry Mouhon. (laughter) Silverberry is his first name. Like, his mom just watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory-- (guffaws) Have you been paying attention to players' names? - Real life beat us this year. - Yeah. You guys know this guy from L. S. U. , right? Barkevious Mingo. - (laughter) - That's a real dude. And I don't if you know this, but Barkevious Mingo has a brother by the name of Hughtavious Mingo. You know what the most ridiculous one? There's a dude named Wonderful Terrific Monds II. - No. - That's a real dude, Keegan. - That's a real dude. - What? I'm Dave Sasson alongside Jeff Worthing, and welcome to the 2013 East/West Bowl, Where we're going to be watching some of the best college athletes in the nation try to put last year's spectacle to shame. That's right, Dave. It won't be easy, but this year's seniors certainly will be trying to give last year's stars a run for their money. Let's check out the teams, starting with the players from the East. (energetic rock music) Coznesster Smiff, Rutgers University. Elipses Corter, University of Alabama. Nyquillus Dillwad, LSU. Bismo Funyuns, Florida State University. Decatholac Mango, Georgia Tech University. Mergatroid Skittle, University of Louisville. Quiznatodd Bidness, University of Tennessee. D'pez Poopsie, Ole Miss. Quackadilly Blip, Auburn University. Goolius Boozler, the "U. " Bisquiteen Trisket, University of Michigan. Fartrell Cluggins, University of Arkansas. Blyrone Blashinton, Syracuse. Cartoons Plural, Virginia Tech. Jammie Jammie-Jammie, the Ohio State University. Fudge. Some of the big stories this year-- The meteoric rise of D'pez Poopsie, and let's not forget about Heisman winner Jammie Jammie-Jammie. And remember, you can't talk about 2013 without bringing up Fudge. Everybody's talking about Fudge. At 350 pounds, this running back is almost unstoppable the whole year. You're right. I could talk about Fudge all day. But first, let's meet the players from the West. (energetic rock music) Equine Ducklings, Indiana University, Purdue University, Indianapolis. Dahistorius Lamystorius, Utah State University. Ewokoniad Sigourneth Juniorstein, Oklahoma State University. Eqqsquizitine Buble-Schwinslow, University of Nebraska. Huka'Lakanaka Hakanakaheekalucka'Hukahakafaka, University of Hawaii. King Prince Chambermaid, Baylor University. Ladennifer Jadaniston, University of Colorado. Ladadadaladadadadada Dala-Dadaladaladalada, University of Arizona. Harvard University, DeVry University. (imitating rapid beeping) Army, Navy Surplus Store. Wingdings, online classes. (distorted voice) Firstname Lastname, College University. God, homeschooled. Squeeeeeeeeeps, Santa Monica College. (British accent) Benedict Cumberbatch, Oxford University. A. A. Ron Balakay, Morehouse College. (rhythmic bass beat, sensual moans) Latrell? What's up, baby girl? Can you please turn that off? - Why, you don't like my music? - Is it music? Because it sounds like a bunch of sex noises over a bass line. Oh. I get it. You don't like my music 'cause I'm gay. You can't handle a gay man's music. No, no, no. It's-- I'm trying to work here, and that music is weirdly ***. Oh, I see. So my sexuality is weird. You just can't fathom a man being attracted to another man. I can fathom it. It's-- Can you just please listen to some other gay music, like Barbra Streisand or something-- Oh, I see, I see. Okay. So listening to Barbra Streisand is gay. Stereotype much? (keys clacking) So you seeing anybody lately? Yeah, I-I mean, kind of. I think-- 'cause I got it good last night. Oh, it was like, damn! I mean, my man was like, blop! Like, he had a baby arm holding on to a apple. Aw, don't call it a baby arm. Aw. I see. So you can't handle hearing about how I'm gay. I'm sorry. You just referred to your boyfriend's *** as a baby's arm holding an apple. Well, that's what it looked like. And it's not my boyfriend, by the way. And "anywhats," you're homophobic. No, no, no. That's not homophobic, okay? You're explicitly talking about *** things in the workplace. Fine. There's plenty of stuff that we can talk about. You know, uh, my *** cup, my *** cozies that I have been knitting recently-- Oh, with these knitting needles that I have just noticed look like little, skinny, purple penises, et cetera and et cetera. Oh, my God. Can I show you a picture, and then you tell me if it's good for Facebook? Okay, I'm fairly certain you're going to show me something overtly ***. Don't you prejudge me! Here it is. Agh! [bleep]! That's a close-up of an ***. Oh, no, that's not an ***. That's my ***, baby girl. - That's disgusting. - Oh, I see. So you don't want to see a close-up picture of my *** 'cause you hate gay men. No. I don't want to look at a close-up picture of anyone's ***. Homophobe. Homophobe. There's a homophobe right here. Ho-- (blows whistle) Homophobe alert! (high-pitched voice) Homophobe! (imitating siren wailing) Hey. Hey, baby. How's it going? Good. Ready to go to lunch? Yeah. Uh, Latrell, this is Gavin. Gavin, this is Latrell. This is my boyfriend. How you doing? I'm-- I'm-- I'm doing very well. How-- How are you doing, Gavin-- Gavin? - Great. Want to go? - Yeah. Nice to meet you. No, trust me. It's not. - No? - That's the guy. Oh. Oh I get it. I'm not persecuted. I'm just a ***[bleep]. Ah. (soul music) Something that fascinates us to no end are religious cults. Mm-hmm. They're crazy, because that's job security for the leader - Yes. - No matter what. That's the best job in the world. You make up all the rules as you go, lots of ladies. "The Lord has declared I get a backrub at 2:00. " - All right. - That's-- I just-- You can do anything you want. "We will now pass around the communion of lemonheads. " That's not-- (laughter) My concern with cults-- if your messiah looks more like Jesus than Jesus Mm-hmm. put on the brakes. If your messiah smells more like Jesus than Jesus If your messiah looks like that man right there (laughter and applause) Ohm. (news fanfare) Rick Nicklesby reporting live from a gruesome scene. A cult known as Q. E. T. , or Quest for Eternal Truth, has apparently taken their own lives in a mass suicide. Police confirm that cyanide-laced cherry Kool-Aid was also on the premises. Excuse me. Hi. Rick Nicklesby, Channel 6. Hi. Are you two from the neighborhood? - Yes. - No. - No. - Yes. (both speaking gibberish) Okay, were you two members of the cult that lived here? The cul-- What cult? - What? - Was this a cult right here? - Cult? - I had no idea this was a cult. - No way. - A cult? Although I will say, the term "cult" is a little judgmental. I would say the same thing, yeah. - Not knowing the full doctrine. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Well, apparently, they believed that there was a spaceship waiting for them behind the Moon. Okay, well, you know, that still is really possible. - Not completely crazy. - It's possible, right? I mean, who knows what is out there in the universe? Anything could be behind the Moon. Okay, well, it appears they killed themselves in order to board the ship. Right, and that's where we disagreed with them, right there, or would have-- we would have disagreed with them had we been there on our departure day-- their departure day. Their departure day! - Yeah. - Which is the day that they did this. I mean, that's what you could call it, if you wanted to-- I ain't in no cult. No, I mean, what I always wondered is how-- or am starting to wonder, since you brought this to our attention-- Why-- if there was a spaceship in the sky, why wouldn't it just beam us up-- beam them up? Right, just beam 'em-- just beam them up. Why can't you just beam them up alive? Why you got to be dead to get beamed up? You know what I'm saying? I've been saying that for weeks-- seconds. For seconds, 'cause-- because you, Rick Nicklesby, you told us that, you know, and that's how I knew, because-- - 15 seconds ago. - 15 seconds ago, you said it. I didn't know anything about it until you said it, 'cause I ain't in no cult. Okay, then why would someone join a cult? - Compelling leadership. - Charismatic leader. (stammering) Like, a compelling-- - Taco Tuesdays. - A person-- - Taco Tuesdays. - Taco Tuesdays. I mean, hypothetically, they could have had tacos on Tuesday, which would have been a draw. I mean, that would have been a plus. Okay, so this is a tragic day for this community and for the members of the Quest for Earthly Truth. I'm Rick Nicklesby reporting-- Whoa. - You see? - Yep. - You see? - Uh-huh. - Everybody jumped the gun. - (gasping) - We're ready! - (laughing) (soul music) Jordan and I lived together. We lived together. Who was your landlord when we lived in that apartment? My landlord? Um Did you ever meet your landlord? - Russian lady. - Some Russian lady. Some Russian lady. Never saw her. But I love the way-- You always say we were roommates for, uh, what, two months? About two months, yeah. We weren't roommates, though, 'cause I didn't get no rent. (laughter) - Cleaning your bathroom - Yeah. is worth about six months' rent. That's true. (pounding at door) It's your landlord! (pounding continues) Hey, Devon. Hey, how you doing, brother? How you doing? Yeah. Just, uh, stopping by. Just wanted to check up on everything. - Okay. - Yeah-- Aha! You in here, you little mother[bleep]? Nope. Closet look good. Door is strong. - So y'all settling in? - Yeah. We've been living here a year and a half, so we have. So, uh, how are these cupboards working out for you? Man, nobody in here besides your stuff, which looks good. Thank you. Completely unrelated-- Have y'all seen a 4'11" dude with a purple beard up in here? No. No. No, no one's in here probably because we lock the door. Oh, he got the body like a rat. He can just squeeze through the vents. Yeah. So you think somebody's hiding in my apartment? No. I told you-- It's just a social call. I mean, why would Gerald be in here, anyway? Gerald. There is a man with a purple beard named Gerald in my apartment? Hell, no! Why? Did you see him? He about 4'9", got a purple beard. Yeah. - Hey, baby-- - (screams maniacally) - (screams) - Ugh! This is-- Agh! (grunts) Oh. (laughs) Hey, baby girl. You ain't Gerald. (snickers) Oh, by the by, have you seen A 4'5" purple beard? Baby Devon, what's going on? Okay, you know, I'm gonna level with all y'all. There is a 4'3" [bleep] with a purple beard named Gerald somewhere in this building. Why does he keep getting smaller every time you mention him? Seriously? 'cause I didn't want to alarm y'all. He is disturbingly small, really. He a good guy. He smoke rock, though. I mean, he'll do anything to get money for crack. Anything. Okay. I mean anything. I get it. He will *** you. Well, we certainly hope you find him. Oh, I'm gonna find him. Don't worry about that, 'cause I'm gonna look low, and then I'm gonna look high. (grunting) (screams) (both screaming) Gerald, you tiny little ***! Sorry for the inconvenience, y'all. Gerald, when I get my hands in you, you gonna be 2'3"! (news fanfare) Welcome to Metta World News. In science news, it is impossible to knock yourself out with your own fists. Let's not fall behind, America. Well, that wraps up Metta World News for this Wednesday, Biscuit Biscuit Biscuit. I'm Metta World Peace. Good night. You win, fish. Now I'm the one in the aquarium. (soul music) How many dads do we have here? A few dads? All right. The best thing about being a father is the mother. - It's the mom. - Right? It's the mother. Because of moms, dads have the default phrase, right? What'd your mother say? I-- Well, I-- Yeah, I didn't ask her yet. That's why I came to you, 'cause-- Don't do that. If the kid comes to the dad, the dad should already just extrapolate that the mom was gonna say no. 'cause you know the dad's made that mistake before and got the kid some [bleep], had to walk into his wife's room, talking about (laughter) Slingshots? They had done some Jedi mind tricks. They told me you said they could have it. They used the Jedi mind trick? They used the Jedi mind trick, man. - You'll never have sex again. - Aw, man. (gasps) D-dad? Dad? Dad! Hey, what's wrong, man? I was having a nightmare. Oh, again? - What, you want to talk about it? - I miss mommy. Hey, I know. I know. It's-- Hey, me too. Me too, pal. (sniffling) - Come here, man. - (sobbing) It's all right. Hey, it's okay. It's gonna be okay. Shh, shh, shh. I just don't want anything to ever happen to you. Happen to me? Hey, come on, man, ain't nothing ever gonna happen to me. Really? Y-Yeah. That's what I said. So, yes. That, um, nothing ever gonna happen to me. And you ain't never gonna have to worry about nothing happening to me. But-- But-- what if-- what if you got hit by a car or something? That's impossible, because I will never die, S-So I can't die, no matter what. You can't die? But I thought all human beings died. That's true. That's true. That's science, so that's true. But I am lucky, 'cause I am not a human. You're not? - I never told you about this? - No. Hey, you know, I'll just let it out. I'm from a planet called L-La-- Thelonious, and the thing is, it was being destroyed. Okay. That's what happened. My-- was-- I was sent down here in-- in-- in a capsule to Earth by my parents. Oh, like Superman. Superman, yep. That is what it is exactly like, except-- Oh, here's the thing about my version. only one superpower-- immortality. - Oh. - Yeah. So I'm tired. Daddy's tired. Can you-- Let's go to sleep, okay? But I'm not going to live forever, right? Because I'm only half-alien. (sobbing) So I'm gonna die. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. You? You-- you right about yourself, ex-- but-- Ha ha ha! Here it is. This one slipped my mind. You can build with me an immortality machine to give you what I got from the remnants of my spacecraft. So, yeah. - Wow. - You gonna be immortal. You gonna be immortal. Daddy, when are we gonna get the remnants? - Tomorrow. - Tomorrow? (gasps) Gonna get them tomorrow during work. Hey, you got anything that looks like parts of a crashed spaceship? - Dead mom? - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Right this way. (applause) Jordan-- So, Jordan, hey, you think we should say good-bye? - What'd your mom say? - Oh, jeez. (laughter) Good night, everybody. - Good night. - Whoo! I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah.