Malibu Country S1E2 - English Transcript

Hey, Lillie Mae. Is, uh, is Reba around? 'Cause I have something that I do not want her to see. And yet you bring it over. Well, I want someone to see. I have news huge, huge news. Look what I found in this gossip rag. "Soap that washes away fat. " No. Wait, what? No, look, Reba's ex. "Crooner Bobby Gallagher gallivants with long-legged gal pal. " Oh, look at that rat and his His little new, sexually accessible female. I don't want to be ugly, but I'd call him a he-***. I mean, I care way too much about Reba to let her see this. Look at this girl. She's young. She's blonde. She's sexy. She's just everything Reba's not. You don't have to protect Reba. She takes after me. She's strong, and she can handle strife. She needs to see this. Well, good luck finding another copy, because I bought every one within a 10-mile radius, and now I also own a lot of candy. I say show it to her. She'll deal with it. No. You don't know her like I do. You could have torn out an extension. Whoa. What what's going on here? Pause. Hey, mom. We're just watching a "twilight" marathon. Play. No, I mean this. The leg pretzels. It's against company policy. Pause. Mom, we're just friends. Play. Pause. I'm sorry, Mrs. Mackenzie. I thought I had all the rules. No practice kissing, no being upstairs, and now, I guess, no pretzel legs? Play. Why don't we just watch this another time, when it's less You know? I know I'm the "you know. " Mom, I keep telling you, there's nothing going on between us. He's gay. When are you gonna realize that? When I buy him the towels that say "his" and "his. " You are shockingly strong, but let go. This magazine is about my daughter, and I want it. What are you two doin'? What's that? It is myracing form. I have a little bit of a gambling problem. Oh! The ponies are in my blood, Reba. It's a gossip rag, and there's something you should see. "Soap that washes away fat"? What are y'all trying to tell me? Next to it, Reba. Oh, it's Bobby. Oh. Boy, he looks good. Good for him. He's got a girl. Wait, so so you're okay with this? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, we're separated. 'Course he's dating. See? Strong like her mama. Wow, she really is. So, so strong. Well, now that's a little more like her crazy aunt bessie. # walkin' with my head high # soakin' up the sunshine # nah-nah-nah-nah-nah, life is sweet # hey, Sage. Hey, girl who's not my sister. Uh, fixed your laptop. Cash, this is Bethany. She's in my science class. Yeah, she's in my math class. All you gave me was a pencil. There's my mom. It was fun studying and stuff. Bye. Hey, so, uh, I lost your pencil. That's why I never gave it back. Dude. What? Just like dude! Oh, hey, that was nothing. We were just practice kissing. But that's what you do with my sister. So? I'm gay. I practice kiss with lots of girls. That's what "practice" means. That's not what "gay" means. That's a little judgmental, man. Really? 'Cause, uh, most gay guys, they don't go around kissing a ton of girls, according to w I don't know how I know that, but I know that! Buddy, relax. Whoa, I'm not your buddy. I'm June's brother. And I'm-a tell her about this. So tell her. She won't care. - I'm so gonna. - So do it. - I so will. - So go. So bye. Hey! Reba, how you doing? I'm a little bit hyper. I've had a lot of candy. Anyway, I am also really excited, because I have a plan for you. Now listen. Do not say no - No. - Because I am just gonna ignore you. Anyway, I think that you should go on a date. A date? No. That's not for me. Oh, come on, Reba. Just hear me out about this. It can't hurt to listen. Apparently sometimes with her it can. Oh. Silly. Okay, so there is this man I know through my volunteer work at heal the bay. His name is Tom Middleton, he's rich, he's handsome, and he has got sexy hands, and I think that those hands would look good crawling all over you. What? Yeah, I told him all about you. - Kim. - What? You can't go setting me up with someone before you talk to me about it. Oh. Okay. Well, now I've talked to you, so I'm gonna go call him. No. No, Kim, wait. Wait. Reba, oh, my gosh, if this works out, I'm totally your maid of honor. Mama. Hey, a date is not the dumbest idea she's ever had. Oh, mama, I don't have time to date. Well, why? Because it's gonna take you away from what? All this towel folding? No. Other stuff. I still have to defrost a chicken. You know, Reba, you're gonna have to do it sooner or later. Why wait? Mama, the kids are really going through a rough time right now. We're moving all the way across the country, and their dad's in the tabloids. Kids are resilient. They'll do fine. Just don't pick a jerk. I won't. Well, you kind of did last time. But now you've moved away from Bobby, and it's time to move on. Unless you're not over Bobby. Of course I'm over Bobby! Mm-hmm. You think I care that he's dating some cheerleader whose daddy is French and her mama's from India? Okay, I googled her. So, Reba, he wants to see a picture of you. Absolutely not. Kim, if I was gonna go out with somebody, I definitely wouldn't find somebody who Needs a picture. Look, Reba, love is a many-splendored thing. But it's also a blood sport. And the reason that you're upset right now is because you're getting whupped. The score is Bobby 2, Reba 0. Now, sweetheart, if I were you, I'd let that Tom fella wade right in and heal your bay. Well, I don't think I'm getting whupped. I mean, I've had my Encounters and acquaintances. - I mean, like the car wash guy. - Mm-hmm. And the and the handyman who sort of lingers. Well, yeah, lingers likely 'cause he's waiting for a tip. Okay, fine. You know what? I'm gonna give it a try. That's the ol' spirit. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, Kim, tell your man I'm in. Yeah - Um - What? You know, he hasn't really responded to your picture yet, so Oh, this is so awkward. Uh Wait. Yes. He says "yes. " You're in! Oh! Reba. He sent a picture of his hands. He's like a giant. Well, you know what they say about big hands Okay, mama. Okay. All right. Hey, June. We need to talk. Uh You better sit down. I am sitting. Oh, right. It's just, you know, when somebody has to tell another person really horrible news, they always tell them to sit down. Oh, my God. What happened? Oh, good. You'd better sit down. I just saw Sage Kissing another girl. Here's my shoulder you go ahead. You just You let it all out. Uh-huh. Okay. Staying strong. That's good. But you don't have to. You can cry. I'm not gonna cry, cash. But he was kissing some other girl. Yeah. Practice kissing. Sage is gay, and we're just friends. Besides, mom said we couldn't practice kiss anymore. What's he supposed to do? I don't know. He could try kissing a guy. You are so provincial. You take that back! R-right after you tell me what it means. It means you're old-fashioned. Look, Sage can kiss whoever he wants. I'm fine with it. Wow. All right, then. Was she pretty? Well, since you don't care, I guess there's no harm in telling you that Yes, she was smokin'. Whatever. She may be pretty, but good luck having a conversation with her. Wait a minute. You are jealous. Yes! I mean, it's really bad that you feel horrible, but, uh, also kind of happy 'Cause I was right. Okay. I'm sorry, sis. You need my shoulder now? Yes. Oh, Geoffrey. Hello, Reba. I have some paperwork I need you to sign. It's from the, uh, music publishing guys. Oh. Wait. You live here? Seriously? You live here? You live here?! Yeah. And all it cost me was my marriage. Well, it was worth it. Oh, my God. Who died? Nobody. You're not going to a funeral? No. I'm going on a date. I'm gonna add a scarf. You know what you should add, mami? A match. What are you thinking? How could you go on a first date without consulting me? I don't know. I guess I didn't want to overthink it. Wh not overthink it? This is huge! You should overthink it! Okay. Now I am overthinkin' it! Okay, good! Good. Let's see what else we got here. Well Hey. What's going on? I'm helping your mom get ready for her oh. A funeral. Who died? Uh, nobody. It's just good to be prepared. You didn't tell your kids about your date? They don't need to see their mama with another man. That'd be plum weird. Okay, well, I don't know what "plum" means, but it's definitely weird. Hey, Geoffrey, you're gay, right? Wait, what? I'm not gay. I'm just kidding. I'm totally gay! I'm totally gay. - Tell me this. - Mm-hmm? - Ifif you're making out with some girl - Mm-hmm? And then another girl who you've been making out with catches you doing it, wouldn't you feel guilty? Okay. You don't seem to know what "gay" means, do you? But listen, if you're struggling with your *** identy, you could always talk to me. Okay. Okay. All right. So this one's out. Mm-hmm. How 'bout this one? It's classy, right? Yeah, but we don't want classy. We want sexy. I mean, get a load of you, mami. You could be so hot. I mean, look what you got going on upstairs. Well, thank you very much, but I You know, I wanna save my upstairs for upstairs. No, no, no. We are taking your upstairs downtown. I'm telling you, mami, this is no time to be a prude. I mean, this town is crawling with cougars who got, like, pulled faces and and lifted butts, and plump lips, and that is your competition, mami. Well, I'm almost positive that the guy I'm going out with is not into that. - Oh, he's not? - No. Oh, that's so good. Because they're all into that! I'm telling you, Reba, you gotta get more aggressive. Listen, there are tons of single girls, and guys do not wanna waste their time on a nonstarter. I know one woman. She lost her date to the girl who parked his car. They got in and drove right off. Wow. Things have changed since the last time I dated. Yeah, but that's why you need me. Look, think of me as your own *** eye for the straight divorced middle-aged gal. All right. All right. Let's go upstairs And check out my closet. Okay, we could check out your closet, but barring a miracle, we're gonna end up at the mall. - Oh, hey, mom. - Oh! You look nice. Where are you going? Um To the grocery store. Aren't you a little overdressed? Well, I didn't have anything to wear 'cause I didn't do the laundry. And that's why I'm going to the grocery store, to, uh, get detergent. Okay. I'm just gonna wade into the ocean and drown myself. Okay. Have fun. Wait, what? Uh-oh. You've got Mr. cuddles. What's wrong? Cash caught Sage kissing another girl, and I feel like an idiot because I'm jealous. I think I like him. Oh. Um You mean, like, like him, like him? I know. It's crazy, right? Well, yeah, kinda, since he claims he's gay. You know what it is? All men are lying, conniving, two-faced cheaters. Oh, now, honey, that's not true Necessarily. Yeah, it is. Sage is kissing different girls. Dad cheated on you, and now he's in the tabloids with some blonde chick. - How do you know about that? - That magazine's all over Kim's house. Honey, what's going on between you and Sage has nothing to do with your dad and me. We're separated. It's perfectly normal and fine for him to be dating. And you're not jealous? I mean, that girl in the photo is really pretty. I read on the Internet she's a Tennessee titans cheerleader. Former. Yeah, she may be pretty, but can she carry on a conversation? I mean, unless it ends with "go, team"? Does it get any easier? Oh. No. I mean, you're you're too old for me to be pulling the wool over your eyes. Honestly, no, it doesn't. But, honey, I can honestly tell you this you're gonna be okay. You'll go on and meet somebody else. And then out of the blue, people will set you up. We okay with this? Yeah, we're okay. Good. 'Cause I gotta get down to the grocery store before they run out of dryer sheets. Oh. See ya. But you know what really gets me? When we first moved here, like way, way back in the beginning, when I met Sage, I just really loved his hair. And he's really stylish, and he's really into all these cool things, like like anime, and it's gonna be really hard for me to find someone like him, you know what I'm saying? And the painful part is, is that he lives right next door. I mean, if I didn't have to see him every single day, it would be different. Excuse me. Are you Tom? I am. Oh, hi. I'm Reba. Sorry I'm late. You'd think I'd be on time for the first date in 22 years, but I got caught up with my daughter. She threatened to throw herself into the ocean over this guy she likes. She says he's gay. I don't think he's gay. Wow. I guess me telling you about my kids isn't the sexiest way to start a date, is it? And neither is that. You're not Tom Middleton, are you? No. I'm Tom Stevens. Oh. I am a psychologist, though. I have an opening next week. Thank you. Have a nice evening. I'm not crazy, you know. How you doing tonight? Well, that depends. Are there any other Toms hanging around? Well, this might cheer you up. It's compliments of table 34. Oh! Well, maybe he didn't stand me up after all. What are you two doing here? Well, we're kind of spying on you. Yeah. I wanted to do disguises, but Where were you, anyway? Oh, I got caught up with June. Oh! That girl can talk. Okay, tell me. Did the real Tom show up? If he didn't, just lie to me. Oh, no, he was here. We held him for as long as we could, but you were so late, he thought that you stood him up. So much for a first date. Guess I blew it. No, but look at the bright side. You opened yourself up to the possibility of meeting somebody new. And you're not sitting in your house in your sweatpants and your cowboy boots, so I consider this a victory. And I am proud of you for trying to get back in the saddle, even though that damned stallion took off without you. Well, maybe you're both right. You know, when we first came out here to Malibu, I was Reba the mom and Reba the ex-wife and Reba the struggling artist. But tonight, for the first time, I'm somebody that I haven't been in years Reba the woman. Oh, yeah. Rawr! Rawr! - And I got me a new therapist. - All right. You know, I am so glad to hear you say that, because Tom Middleton isn't the only Malibu bachelor I have sent your picture to. Now let me see. Okay, this is Gary. Oh, no, wait. He's picked Amber. Ugh, I'm sorry. She's my other fixer-upper. She's a bit of a sex addict, so that's gonna be tough to beat. Cheers to your new single life. Yeah. Well, it looks like it's gonna be a girl's night out. - Yay! - Oh, well, speak for yourselves. I see a very attractive, age-appropriate gentleman who's been giving me the eye all evening. Rawr. Where have you been, young lady? Oh. Um, nowhere. Out. With whom? Nobody. Uh, mama and Kim. Oh, I see. So that's who you got all dolled up for? Grandma and Kim? Okay. All right. I had a date. Why are you hiding that from me? All right, now listen, you are a grown woman. You can do as you please. - Thank you. - But If you're gonna date, I need to meet the guy. Are we clear on that? First of all, you don't get to make the rules. And secondly, you don't get to meet the man until I get to meet the man. He stood you up? Ohh! I'm gonna kick his ***! No, you're not. You better get used to this. I'm a single woman now. I'm not very good at it, but I guess I'll have to work on that. But not tonight. - I'm exhausted, and I'm gonna go to bed. - Okay. Hey. Hey, mom. I was thinking about what you said before. And maybe you're right. Why am I so sure Sage is right for me? Just because he lives next door? That's not fate. That's coincidence. Could be. Could be. I mean, maybe what we all accept as fate is all just random chance. We could have moved next door to anyone. Hey. Wait, wait, where are your groceries?