Cowboys' Presumed Thanksgiving Win to Cause Nation to Vomit up Dinners

Eating lunch on Thanksgiving is always weird but we're confronting the problem head-on. This is the Power Lunch. Let's start with something disgusting. Fans nationwide are waiting for the Cowboys to beat the Dolphins so that everybody can vomit up their Thanksgiving meals. That's why the Cowboys play every Thanksgiving. You stuff your face and you sit motionless on the couch until the Cowboys make you throw it all back up. Tony Romo is at full health and sports fans across America are keeping puke bags nearby in anticipation of his nauseating, smug grin when he beats the Dolphins. When DeMarco Murray breaks off a 50 yard run against four missed tackles, everybody in the country will be squirting liquid vomit through their clenched teeth. My grandfather projectile vomits every time he tells stories about vomiting from Don Meredith in the sixties. I think I already feel something coming up. We'd all love it if the Cowboys lost every year but we'd all be 500 pounds. We owe are healthy to Jerry Jones. Crazy Jerry Jones, Kenny, ought to throw up all over you right now. I'm the vomiting authority here. Ray Lewis will be on the sidelines tomorrow but the all-pro linebacker still made time to help some of the region's hungriest by feeding butchered wildebeest carcasses to lions at the local zoo. In a press conference Lewis said: "I'm giving back to the Lions of the city who have taught me so much about clawing and eviscerating." He traveled to Angola at his own expense to personally tackle and kill over 35 wildebeest. When Lewis was a kid he would around the neighborhood killing animals and feeding them to each other, and not just on Thanksgiving either. The man is a big softie. He's even sending the extra wildebeest to Ed Reed's vulture coop at the top of the Legg Mason building. Alright, stop being nice. It's giving me a headache. Big Packers-Lions Thanksgiving match-up tomorrow, but even bigger is Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy's concern that the large pots of hot soup along the sidelines may affect the outcome of the game. Lions front office vowed to reward everyone skipping a family gathering to be at the game with a Thanksgiving feast. But that comes with a lot of hot appliances and chances for second to third degree burns. You and Mike McCarthy should both quit whining. These players are professionals. They know how to juke around sizzling buffets. Put the cornbread out of your brain, dude, there's only so much space on the field. The Lions' website claims they will be cooking over 4800 turkeys. There's nowhere else to put those ovens except behind the end zone. The game isn't going to be affected if a ball or a receiver gets lost in one of those gigantic tureens of soup. You're ignoring the fact that it's hard to play football when your hands are covered in gravy and there's an extremely large and powerful food processor blade shredding up celeries just feet away from you. So what, there's always a food processor somewhere. Alright, that's the Power Lunch. Turkey leg down. I've been pretending to eat this the whole time. I've literally just been licking the damn thing. Lick this Kenny.