Awkward S2E12 - English Transcript

1 Previously, on Awkward Friend or foe? So, you need to choose. Him or me? So, when it came to the boys, if a do-over wasn't an option, maybe a start-over was. And I finally knew who it would be with. Spin the bottle. It was a requisite rite of passage. And while I was past my prime to play, it seemed fitting, given all the spiraling I'd done throughout the year. I'm gonna take a pass. I knew you'd be out. You're right. I'm not into bears. But I will make out with your boyfriend. Good luck with that. Pass equals drink. In the game, all decisions were left to the bottle. And for once, the bottle was more fickle than I was. You can choose or spin again. Spin again. The bottle didn't know what I wanted, but I did. Despite already having made a decision Bottle flip! Seven minutes in heaven for you two. I was still in the closet. - So what should we do? - Put on a show. - Mm, yeah, baby. - Oh, yeah. Oh-- You don't have to fake it. I know you're together now. It's cool. - I told him. - I was going to. You snooze, you lose. With Jake getting the answer he needed, Matty was clear to be with the girl he wanted. Me. So I made use of my last three minutes of seven in heaven. Sophomore summer abroad. We have to go. This year has been crap-tastic, suck-drastic, but if we go to Europe, I can save my summer. How are we gonna pay for it? ***. You can sell your dirty ones to businessmen abroad. How do you think the mafia affords so much sushi? They're a major distributor. Have you sold your underwonders? No comment. I'm not selling my underwear. Even if it means I'm stuck here. You're not stuck if you're about to have a real boyfriend summer. The other shoe is poised to drop at any moment. Remember, all good things in my life are closely followed by something bad. Dare you forget, Matty and I haven't DTRed. Oh, tell me we're not gonna be obsessing over that again. Hey. Apparently, our BF-GF status didn't need words to define it. Will my girlfriend give me a bit? Or "girlfriend" would roll off Matty's tongue and onto my salami. Hitting the courts. See you later? You have everything. And all I have is a text from my ex. Ricky is sniffing me out. There's trouble in paradise. - Once a cheater, always a cheater. - Cheater! He's been texting that troll! If he cheated, he would have deleted. But he will cheat if you don't confront him. And let him know I'm snooping? That's really smart. Thank you. I think he's avoiding me. I need to shake things up. No, you need to do what you always do. Put him in his place. Don't tell me how to do what I do, birdbrain. Exactly. Just like that. Hello, this I-- Ricky. Yes, I am answering your phone, because you left it in my car. But-- Since I haven't seen you for two days, I haven't been able to give it back to you. Do you miss me? 'Cause I miss you. All. The. Time. Sure. I can give the phone to Rob to give to Marty to give back to you. And then you can call me, beefcake. No. "Call me, comma, beefcake." You're the beefcake. I love you, babe. God, why do exes always have to creep back? But did all exes creep back? And could they creep back as friends? Jake and I haven't really talked, and even though he says he's cool, I don't think he is. He looks pretty cool to me. It's a front. None of those skanks are up to par. So who is? A girl with substance. Like T. He couldn't handle me. I'm a lot of woman. And if I wanted Jake to be my friend, I needed to be a woman and man up. Thanks. See you guys. - Hey. - Hey. Crazy seeing you here. In the school hallway? No, I-I meant on this route to class. I go this way every day. Me too. That is so weird. This is weird. Do you feel weird? 'Cause I'm acting weird. - I just-- - Don't. When I said I'd be fine with your decision, I meant it. Might not have been what I wanted, but hey, it's what I needed. Really? Jenna, I've been a serial monogamist since the fifth grade. To be honest, I haven't seen this much action since I was 10. Don't get me wrong. You set the bar really high. And it's gonna be a while till I meet someone like you again. But until then Don't hate the player, hate the game. Well, ladies For once, the universe was actually working in my favor. Which was not cause for celebration. It was setting off alarms. I was Jenna Hamilton, please report to the office. Thankfully, on my way to a problem. I am really, really disappointed in you. You're being selfish. You need to work out your issues and get back together. - We are back together. - We are back together. Damn, I'm good! Uh! Double up. Uh, uh! J. We're having a family meeting. Finally, something bad would happen so I could get on with my day. Closer. Let's get closer. I asked our folks here to have a little state of the union. And it appears that the union is back intact. Is that true? - Yes. - Good. Now, I think the only way that you can atone for the hell you put us through is to send Jenna on the Europe trip with me. Her sista Slash-chaperone. - That sounds fantastic! - But - Oh! But - We can't. Money's a little tight right now. And whose fault is that? Yet again, dad, you're operating from a selfish place. Can't you just cash out some of your retirement fund? I mean, what good is that money when you're old? I don't need to go. I'm just happy that my parents are back together. Just amazing. Now, this is what I call selflessness. How 'bout we think about the trip? That is acceptable. Meeting adjourned. Okay. Isn't there a problem I need to address? Nope. Just have a good day. That was the problem. I needed a problem to have a good day. Everything is perfect. Maybe too perfect. Something bad is bound to happen. - Mm, not possible. - Possible. If you haven't noticed, I'm a walking disaster zone. This summer is gonna be the best summer of our lives. Just you, me, and Camp Puka. We're gonna get paid, and you're gonna get laid. Don't get ahead of yourself. I don't want to get ahead, I want to get on top. I was being neurotic. The other shoe didn't need to drop for me to get everything I wanted, which involved more of McKibben and less of his clothes. - Surprise! - Surprise! Ever heard of a knock? We couldn't wait. We had to tell you that we're sending you to Europe! You're signed, sealed, and paid for. So I wasn't neurotic. I was intuitive. The other shoe had definitely dropped, but it wasn't a sweaty converse. It was a sparkly Manolo Blahnik. - Europe. - Europe. We are gonna have so much fun when we take in the sights, because we are going on an adventure. We are getting ahead of ourselves. Why? Because the "we" that is me has already committed to camp. - You can get out of it. - I could, but I don't want to. I'm gonna be a head counselor. But that doesn't mean you can't go. I can't go unless you go. That's not true. It's six weeks. It'll be over before you know it. "It'll be over before you know it?" What does that even mean? Stop being paranoid and get amped! We're going to Europe! - You got the green light? - The light isn't just green. It's neon. I walked in on my mom making out with her friend Claire. Your mom's gay? No, she's a lesbutante. She keeps it strictly above the belt. But it was a TS sitch, so my mom is letting me go on the trip to keep me from telling my grandma. Little does she know I'm totes equal opportunity. O-M-G. - I have it. Problem solved. - Well, tell me. With all my mom's guilt tripping, I bet I could swing a euro trash bash. We'll show McKibben just how much he'll be livin' if he comes with! I don't want to manipulate him. It's not manipulation. It's coercion. Think about it. I was stuck with the hiccups. An annoying series of convulsions disrupting the blood flow from my heart to my head. I wanted to go to Europe. And yet, I was afraid to go without Matty. So there was only one thing left to consider. You really want to know what I think? Yes. I knew my mom would tell me what I wanted to hear. Stay with the-- Go to Europe. Come on, when you were my age, you would've picked Matty. - 100%. - I rest my case. Jenna, I'm not the best role model. That was a given. Back in the day, when I was with Ben, I had so many opportunities to do things that I really wanted to do, but I didn't do them because he didn't want to. Like what? Camping. - Mom, you are not a camper. - Who knows? I might be. I do own a battery-operated curling iron. And there were so many times that I never got to dance 'cause Ben didn't like to. I just sat on his lap, and watched everyone around me having fun. Is that why you chose dad? For his white man's overbite? Yes. And someday, he will bust it out for me on a dance floor in Europe. But until we get that chance, we really want you to have it. Surprisingly, my mom was giving good advice. Which left me with one last resort. Manipulation. And this is the last stop on our tour. Italy. A country full of pasta and passion. Does that mean I could eat pizza off your chest? If you go to Europe. I'm gonna bump uglies tonight! Code red. She is wasted. I better help T. Meet you in Paris? How much have you had to drink? A lot. 'Cause tonight, I'm breaking all the rules. And my ***. I'm ready for Freddy to get sweaty. Head to Amsterdam and get a ***. Oh She needs to sober up. With a cold shower. I'll take care of it. You just keep hammering Matty. Actually, I think he's warming up. Ricky is still being cold, and he's been avoiding me all night. What should I do? Why are you asking me? You don't want my opinion. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Get really drunk, so you throw up, and he has to hold your hair back. Boys like to feel needed. Boys like to watch getting blown, not the blowing of chunks. Then take your own advice. Make him an offer he can't refuse. Like what? God's blind spot. Back door. So bounce, bounce, bounce, baby ♪ nothing less than an ounce, baby ♪ Lissa just texted again. I think she wants to hook up. - What'd she say? - "Let's hook up." I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden, I'm you. All these girls want a piece of me. Even ally James grabbed my johnson. That's a problem because I was peeing. Crisis averted. Ming's drying off and sobering up. Good thing she's not going to Europe. - I don't want to babysit. - Are you going? Totes. I'm signing up on Monday. Too late, the trip's full. I took the last slot. *** me! I suddenly didn't need to convince Matty to go. I needed to convince myself to stay. ♪ What's wrong? Everything. I need your car keys. Good thing it's new, 'cause it's about to experience a serious breakdown. Hey. This is hello. And good-bye. - I'm going to a new school. - Why? My house has been redistricted. But your house is right across the street from the school. Exactly. Becca's behind it, and she's not going to stop until she destroys me. She'll never let us be together. And quite frankly, I'm afraid she's gonna hurt you. I can take care of myself. That's the thing, Ming. You can't. ♪ I'll never forget you. ♪ My relationship is over. - Mine never even started. - With who? Julio, Pierre, Antonio. Take your pick. And now I'm throwing a party for a trip I can't go on, and there isn't even a dude here to beer goggle with. You're totally overreacting. Let me wallow in the *** show of my life. - While you do that, I'm gonna revenge-***. With Becca. Two can play her game. Help me. - I need to hide. - Jake? Go. I got you covered. - Thanks. - Jake Jake. He's not outside. But I just saw him run out here. No, that was Scott Gold. Scott's black. I get it. Are you and Jake hooking up? No. Then outta my way! Wait another mile ♪ the world ain't ending ♪ Jake. but it might as well be ♪ whoa-oh-oh ♪ I'll rock you like the sea ♪ Jake. - Buildings ain't crumbling ♪ - It was you. Whoa oh-oh ♪ Weird. So let's not think and just ♪ moo-oo-oo-oo-oove ♪ Like you stole it ♪ The coast is clear. Oh, thank God. 'Cause I'd be wrong ♪ that was so sweet. I had to memorialize it. I'm gonna grab another beer. Lady? Gent? I was rooting for you to pick him. I'm worried it's too good to last. Stop it. Here's my problem. My parents bought me a spot on the Europe trip, but Matty's not going. We were gonna spend the summer together, - and now that plan is shot. - So don't go. - But it's Europe. - Then go. What if I miss out on something here? What do I do? Shake it off. Everything is going your way. It was true. And familiar. Where had I heard that before? Trust your gut. My gut was saying I didn't really need to go. But Tamara did. And suddenly, I had the answer to fix two problems with one trip. I never thought I would say this, but I can't handle all this female attention. - Go. Get out of the car. - What? Why? Because you're complaining about getting too much action, while my life is on auto-combust. What happened? What didn't? This has been the worst year of my life, and now that Europe's off the table, I'm gonna have a sad, lonely summer. You're crazy. All right, now you really can go. I meant it's crazy for you to think that you can't turn things around. But nobody loves me, or likes me, or even wants to drunkenly dry hump me. So, tell me, Mr. Know-it-all, how am I gonna turn things around? Enough to know you're wrong ♪ ♪ Do you feel better? That's like asking if I talk fast. Of course I feel better, but you don't have to do the post-make out fake out. We don't have to small talk. We should do that again sometime. Okay. How 'bout now? Yeah. Jake and Tamara are making out. But you have Matty, so what's the problem? You made your choice. Right. Right. I'm being ridiculous. I'm so glad we can do this out in the open. As opposed to Your blog. To the beat of my drum ♪ - Are you - Not God. Clark was my mysterious commenter. We need to talk. - You made out with Jake. - I made out with Jake. I saw you, and I was pissed. But you said he should be with a girl more like me, and who's more like me than me? - And it was totally just a rebo-- - And you have a trip. I'm not going. My spot is yours. Really? Yes. Now, let's celebrate. - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! Have you seen Ricky? He's not in there. Skitch. - Were you hooking up with him? - Not a chance. Move outta my way. Sadie, you really don't want to go in there. I really don't wanna look at your fugly face. Move! Fine. Your wish is my command. Ricky! I'm a ***. But I am not a heartless ***. - I should have seen the signs. - What signs? Ricky is not gay, he's just a ***. He'd screw anything, including Detective Nibble Kibbles. - Who? - My dog. He investigates everyone's crotch except Ricky's. I think Ricky did something to him. But I didn't do anything to Ricky. Neither did Tamara. No, she didn't. But your dork factor really wasn't doing you any favors. Guys I'm so sor-- so She was about to grovel. And I had my phone waiting to record it. Well, we tried. Jenna. Assistance, please? Oh. Never, it was never enough ♪ never enough ♪ never, though you hoped it'd be ♪ so hopelessly ♪ and I didn't know ♪ that I was wrong to try ♪ to make you see the dying in your eyes ♪ but you're never satisfied ♪ I'm staying. Why? Because. Because. I was gonna have the best summer of my life. So hopelessly ♪ and we were never enough ♪ I love this song. Let's dance. Oh, I'm not much of a dancer. Come here. never enough ♪ never, though we hoped to be ♪ I finally got what I really wanted. So hopelessly ♪ so hopelessly ♪ so hopelessly ♪ ♪ But I wasn't sure it was what I needed. ♪ Thank you all so much for being awesome Awkward fans. We'll be back next year with Season 3. But, in the meantime, you can go on Facebook and Twitter and like us and see lots of cool stuff and have fun contests and it'll be awesome. Hey, guys! Don't go anywhere. Things are about to get a lot more awkward on the after show coming up next. The Awkward Aftershow's starts right now, followed by an encore of The Inbetweeners. - They're awesome, right? - Totally awesome. - They're amazing. - Totally awesome.