Columbo S1E3 - English Transcript

[ Doorbell Ringing ] Dutton. General Hollister. Come in. You want a drink? No. No, thank you, sir. I don't have much time. I would have called, but-- But what? I didn't want to risk a wiretap. A wiretap? You sound paranoid, Colonel. No, General. just being cautious. And the reason for this caution? The word just came down this morning. A special directive to all section chiefs. The Inspector General's starting a full-scale investigation of arms contracts. I see. You're sure? Yes, sir. That's unfortunate. But I suppose it would have happened sooner or later. If they find out-- They won't find out. General, if anyone digs deep enough they're bound to discover that I've let your construction company charge us a fortune in cost overruns. You'll offer the standard explanation-- unforeseen difficulties in developing the arms system. It won't stand up, General. When the I. G. sees your bargain-basement bids he'll know I let you practically steal those contracts. They'll indict both of us. As you say, Colonel, you're the one that accepted the bids. You approved the overruns. With that much money involved, they'll know we had to be in it together. I'm getting out. Oh? I'm leaving for Geneva tonight. And if I may make a suggestion, General, you might do the same. I have a business to run. Besides, I never believed in a forced retreat. Well, maybe you can bluff them, sir, but I don't have your reputation. You'll have less of a reputation if you go AWOL. It's an admission of guilt. They won't know it for 30 days. I just took my annual leave. It's a small world, Colonel. They'll find you. No way, sir. I'll manage to disappear. And, uh, if they do, just for the sake of argument? Naturally, I-I'd keep your involvement to myself. I'd refuse to testify. Not even to shorten a jail sentence for giving evidence? Believe me, sir, there's nothing to worry about. They won't know where I am. How did you get here, Colonel? Taxi? No, sir. I drove. Why? I've been thinking. You present me with a problem. Problem? You assure me that my name will never come into this-- that, uh, you'll be my protector. I'm afraid I can't take that risk. [ Weapon *** ] [ Seagulls Cawing ] Did you see that? What? Uh, a man just shot someone! But where? Over there. There. See? I don't see anything. He just moved away from the window. You've been out in the sun too long. Mother, I'm telling you-- Oh, it's a mirage. No. No, we're going back. We're going what? Which way is back? Which way is-- What are you doing? Ooh! Ooh! I got it. It's all right. I'm all right. I'm all right. You take this. Yeah, I-I got that. Now-- Now, y-you take this. But what'll I do with it? Uh, Mr. Barnes! [ Banging ] - Here, let me give you a hand. - Thank you, Mr. Barnes. The only thing I can say about the way she handles a boat-- You certainly know when she's docked. Whiplash. If you hand me your aft line, Mrs. Wallace, I'll secure your stern. I beg your pardon! I'll tie up your boat. Oh. Oh, yes. Yes, uh, of course. Is this it? Yeah, that's it. Thank you. [ Sighs ] I never thought we'd make it. Neither did I. Couldn't do it, eh? What? Call the police. I knew you'd come to your senses. They must get a thousand eyewitness crank calls an hour. What are you gonna do? Oh, hello, Operator. Could I please have the police? I'd like to report a shooting. Hello. Is this the police? Oh. Uh-- This is Mrs. Stewart. Uh, I'm down at, uh, the boat place, and-- [ Siren Wails ] Officer Sanchez. Oh. Mrs. Stewart? No, I'm Mrs. Stewart. That's my mother, Mrs. Walters. You reported a shooting? Yes. Uh-huh. Yes? Oh. Well, um, this man in a bathrobe um, uh, he shot another man i-in a uniform. What kind of uniform was it? Oh, well, I-- [ Clicks Tongue ] I can't tell the difference between an usher and a mailman. [ Chuckles ] I mean, I can tell them apart, but not what they're wearing, you know. But-- Well, I-I'm sure it was a military uniform. Did you see anything, ma'am? Mm-mm. My daughter's the one who sees things, Officer, not me. just because you were looking in the other direction doesn't mean that I didn't see it. Come on. Uh, where was this shooting, Mrs. Stewart? Right over there. See? See that house over there? [ Sanchez ] Are are you sure? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Do you know who lives in that house? Uh-- Well, no. Does it matter? I'd rather not say till we've had a chance to investigate. Oh, yeah. May I have your address? She lives with me. May I have your phone? Okay. Thank you. Is that-- Is that all? For now. If we need anything more, you'll be contacted. Oh. Thank you. Uh, 985-43 21 . Yes, ma'am. Come on. Come on! You know, I-- On that shooting report, Sergeant, the witness says it occurred in General Hollister's house. The General Hollister? Yes, sir. It just doesn't seem right that a slick sleeve like me would barge in and ask a man like General Hollister if he just shot somebody. I see your point, Sanchez. I'd better send over somebody from Homicide. Stand by, and I'll have him there as soon as I can. Roger. Sorry, sir. Huh? For what? This spot's reserved. Oh. I see. All right. Uh-- Uh-- Who is it reserved for? The police. I think I'm the one that you're waiting for. I'm, uh, a lieutenant. My name is Columbo. Oh. Sorry, Lieutenant. I was expecting an official car. That's all right. Your name is Sanchez? Yes, sir. I see. That's General Hollister's house right there. Did anyone come in or out since you've been here? Two young fellows in cadet uniforms went in a little while ago. That's their wagon over there. Uh-huh. Is there another way out of this house? By water. The general's got a yacht in a slip in back of the house. I see. I'm gonna go in and speak to the general. While I'm doing that, I want you to search the yacht. But, Lieutenant, I don't have a warrant. Well, I'll ask the general for permission. If he doesn't give it, then I'll get a warrant. In the meantime, check it out. Pay particular attention to the engines. And if you find out anything, let me know. [ Doorbell Ringing ] Uh, General Hollister? Yes? I'm from the police, sir. My name is, uh, Columbo. Lieutenant Columbo. Yes, Lieutenant? I'm terribly sorry to disturb you, sir, but we have this report, uh, about this shooting. - A shooting? - Yes, sir. In this house. That's quite an opening line, Lieutenant. Sir, I'm sure it's just a crackpot complaint, but I-- But it's your job to follow it up. Yes, sir. I understand. I've had to do many unpleasant things myself in the line of duty. But may I ask, this alleged shooting-- just who is supposed to have shot whom? Well, you see, sir, we don't know exactly. Only that the, uh, victim was wearing some kind of a uniform. A uniform. Well, come in. These young men are from my alma mater, Lieutenant, M. M. I. They're here to take away my military souvenirs for, uh permanent enshrinement at the Memorial Hall. As a matter of fact, Lieutenant, M. M. I. is giving me a testimonial dinner tonight. [ Hammering ] They're commemorating the 20th anniversary of my retirement and the opening of the Hollister Exhibit. Yes. General, do you think I could, uh, look inside? Lieutenant, wouldn't that be a little obvious? I wanna be in a position, sir, where I can tell my superiors that I've checked everything out. They've already started nailing it shut. Uh, it's just two nails, sir. Very well. Gentlemen, I have a friend here who would like to inspect the contents of the crate. Would you open it again, please? Yes, sir. Wow! A lot of guns. [ Chuckles ] War trophies, Lieutenant. Uh, AK-47 assault rifle. PPSH-41 . Drum. PPSH-41 clip. All Soviet-made, and, as you've observed, all with their firing pins removed. I see. They're very, very interesting, General. [ Clicks ] War mementos, Lieutenant. Lively memories, empty uniforms-- uh, all carefully packed, Lieutenant, for the exhibit. Oh. Oh, yes, of course. I'm sorry, sir. Uh-- I'll just put these back in here. There you are. I, uh-- I think that, uh, is fine. Thank you very much. Carry on, gentlemen. Could I offer you something? Oh, no. Thank you very much. Say, you got a beautiful place here. Thank you. It's roomy, and it's homey, and-- That's a fireplace. Wow! You know, when I was a kid, we used to have those fake wooden kinds. I don't know if you remember them or not, General. They had a fan in the back. And it had a red light and ribbons. You'd turn on the fan, and the ribbons, they would flutter there. Yeah, they were terrific. That's funny. What's funny? Don't you have those irons? You know, like you put in a fireplace to put the, uh-- Oh. Uh, andirons. Andirons. Yeah. No. I never build a fire there. It's too much trouble. Oh. Easier to turn up the thermostat. I see. Uh-- Oh, uh, for show. Oh, that's for show. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Lieutenant, I've been thinking. The person who turned in that report was right. There was someone here in uniform. Me. While I was packing I couldn't resist, uh, trying on the old harness, you know. I'm glad to be able to tell you that, uh, I can still get into it. You know, the report said there was another man here, and he was dressed in a bathrobe. Whoever filed that report was seeing double. Yes, I was wearing a bathrobe while I was packing. Got a match? A match. There you are. Thank you. Hey, that's quite a lighter. One of a kind. Yeah, that's something. [ Coughs ] Didn't you say that you were gonna send all of your stuff over to the exhibit? Not quite everything, Lieutenant. This has a very personal meaning for me. It's a gift from my staff on the day that I retired from service. Oh. Yeah. General, uh, do you mind if I look around? No. By all means, help yourself. Not much to see here. just a basic B. O. Q I guess that's why I like it. Any servants? just a housekeeper. Comes in twice a week. Good night, General. Oh. Let me get the door. Careful. Good night. Lieutenant, the bedrooms are this way. Guest bedroom, Lieutenant. Master bedroom. General, have you been here all day? No. I was out on my boat till about 2:00. You didn't go out after that, sir? No. I was here packing, getting ready for the testimonial dinner. Do you mind if I look in your closet? No. By all means, be thorough, Lieutenant. Extra uniforms. General, that's a lot of fruit salad. Past history-- all to be donated, Lieutenant. Well, you've had the tour. Anything else I can do for you? No, I guess that's it. Unless-- Unless what? Well, as long as I'm here, uh do you happen to own a gun, General? A handgun? A hand-- Oh. No, I-- Yes. Yes, I do. A target pistol. [ Chuckles ] It's a funny thing. I never think of it as a weapon. . 22 caliber Hi-Standard. Supermatic Trophy model. There you are. Hmm? What's that medal for? Oh, [ Chuckles ] that's a first with the United States Marine Pistol Team. You know, Lieutenant, uh I had this out earlier today. I was thinking of giving it over to the exhibition although it's never had anything to do with my military career. I was, uh-- I-- Oh, yes! Yes, I remember now. I stumbled over the crate as I was looking at the gun. - That must've been what your witness saw. - Of course. Oh, well, there we are, huh? There we are. Oh. [ Laughs ] I doubt if I could-- if I could win any medals today. I've been so busy for months, I haven't had any chance to practice. [ Sniffs ] Here, see for yourself. Well, I'm not a ballistics expert, sir. Well, take it along with you. Have your people check it out. No, I don't think that'll be necessary, sir. I think I'm on a wild-goose chase. [ Chuckles ] Matter of fact, uh, I don't think there's much else I can, uh, look for, General. Uh, I think I'll be running along. Before you go, Lieutenant, uh just who, uh-- who reported this ***? No, I never said it was a ***, sir. Well, this alleged shooting. Who turned in the report? I'm afraid I can't tell you that, sir. Oh. No, sir. That's against regulations. Oh, yes, of course. Well, there's one thing for sure-- that whoever it was, it had to be some-- some guy out here in a boat in the marina. General, I'd like to keep the record straight on that. Now, I never said that it was a man. Oh, you mean it was a woman? Now, I never said that either, sir. Well, it doesn't make any difference. Mistakes have no gender. Well, that's for sure. [ Chuckles ] Uh-- Well, I want to apologize for takin' up your time. Please, don't give it a thought. Good night, sir. Good night, Lieutenant. Oh, uh, one thing I almost forgot. Yes? Uh, your boat. What about it? I had the boat checked out, sir, while we were talking. I didn't think you had anything to hide, sir, and I just thought it would save some time. I always preached initiative to my men, so I don't see how I can object now. And you're right. You did save time. Thank you, sir. Thank you, Lieutenant. Good night. Good night. Oh, General, enjoy your dinner. Oh. Well, thank you, Lieutenant. [ Door Closes ] [ Police Radio Chatter ] Didn't find a thing. The engines? They were cold. This Mrs. Stewart, did she look like she'd could have been doing any drinking? Could've been. I don't really know. I guess we both got a lot of paperwork to do, huh? [ Engine Starts ] - Here, Joey. Gas up number two, will you? - Mr. Barnes. Hi, General. Hi. How are you? Mr. Barnes, a couple of hours ago, out on the marina, somebody waved at me. I think it was an old friend. You got any idea who it could have been? Was it one of my boats? I think it might have been, yeah. You might have it there in the record. - It was probably Mrs. Stewart and her mother. - Mrs. Stewart. That's it. Do you know where she lives? I'd like to have a few words with her. Yeah, sure. I got it right here. Good. Hey, General, you're not gonna go sailing with her, are you? Why? She's the worst-- man, woman or child. She can't sail. I couldn't take my eyes off her. Really? I thought that she was gonna keel over any minute. Well, I'll watch it, Mr. Barnes. Thanks for your good thought. Here you go. Thank you. Thank you very much. [ Laughing ] ??[ Rock ] [ Laughing Continues ] ??[ Soft Jazz ] [ Knocking On Door ] just a minute. Mrs. Stewart? Yes. Lieutenant Columbo, from the police, about a report you made of a shooting. Oh! Yes. Come in. [ Mother ] Who is it, Helen? It's the police, Mother. [ Helen ] Um, we're just having a, uh, before-dinner cocktail. Would you, um, uh-- No, that's all right. Ask for his identification. Oh, Mother, uh-- I'm sorry, Lieutenant. That's all right. That's all right. She's entitled to that. You must be Mrs. -- Walters. Right. Mrs. Walters. Walters. Here you are, ma'am. You sure don't look like a policeman. I have to make a salad. Here you are. Thank you. Mother is the eternal optimist. She's always hoping for the worst. [ Laughs ] Well, Lieutenant, uh, what, uh-- What is that? Do you mind? Would you like to see it? I'd like it very much. Well, it's-- it's not finished yet. When it's done, it's gonna be a bowl. You know, like for plants and things. Um-- Or maybe it's gonna be an Indian water pitcher. I haven't really made up my mind yet, creatively speaking. Well, this work is very, very interesting. Well, they say it's important to work with your hands. It's very good therapy and she needs it. I'm just a mass of therapeutic studies lately-- sailing, art classes. I even went back to work. What do you do? I work with children and animals. Well, that's-- that's constructive. You see that? That's a reflection of my job. Oh. You don't know what it is, do you? Uh, no, I don't know what it is, but it's very nice. Well, it's a South American llama. We have them at the Ark Park. At the where? The Ark Park. That's where I work with the children and the animals. I see. So this fella here is a llama, huh? Well, you see, I try and go beyond the surface, you know to find, um, a deeper meaning, a-a truer reality. [ Chuckles ] At least, that's what I think I do. [ Chuckles ] Mrs. Stewart, I'm gonna get right to the point. You know, I couldn't find any evidence of any shooting in that house that you pointed out. I mean, there was no gun. There was no victim. There was nothing. just a house, a fella livin'in it. Well, I know what I saw. - Maybe you think you saw it. - What does that mean? The fella that owns that house is a retired marine general. He says that if you saw him in the window-- one, he was alone, and two, he was wearing a bathrobe. What about the man in uniform? He says that later on, he did try on an old uniform and he was carrying a target pistol at the time. He says he happened to trip over a crate that he was packing. Now, to you, does, uh-- does that sound like a reasonable explanation? Oh, very reasonable, but it's not what I saw. Uh-huh. I see. Uh, did you ever wear glasses? No, I don't wear glasses. I have perfect vision. - No, I have better than perfect vision. - Mm-hmm. Look, uh, I don't want you to get offended at what I'm gonna say now, but, uh were you doin' a little drinkin' this afternoon? Oh! Oh, Lieutenant, this is really too much. ! I mean, that police officer this afternoon, and then my mother, and now-- I am not hallucinating! I'm just trying to reconcile your story. I saw two men-- one in a bathrobe, and the other one in a uniform. The one in the bathrobe shot the other man. That is the simple truth-- the sane and the sober and the simple truth. Now, do you believe me? Mrs. Stewart, a *** charge is about as serious as you can get. Lieutenant, I didn't ask you if it was a serious charge. I asked you if you believe me. You always did have a weird imagination, even as a child. Those imaginary playmates, all those games. You never wanted to face reality. Mother, to some people that would have meant that I had a creative and imaginative mind. [ Knocking On Door ] I'll get it. Can't a person sit down and have a bite to eat in peace? Yes? [ Chuckles ] Mrs. Stewart? No, no, no, no. I'll-- I'll call her for you. Helen darling, there's a gentleman here to see you. [ Helen ] For me? Yes. Yes. Yes? You're Mrs. Stewart? [ Stammers ] You seem surprised. Well, uh, pleasantly, I assure you. What can I do for you? You can watch the 1:00 news on television tonight. What? Apparently I need a character reference. [ Chuckles ] I-I'm afraid I don't understand. You don't recognize me? [ Chuckles ] No. Should I? You said that you saw me shoot somebody today. No, no. You have nothing to fear from me, Mrs. Stewart. But if you'll watch the late news tonight I'm sure you'll agree that, uh, you've miscast me as a murderer. Earlier this evening, General Martin J. Hollister was honored by his alma mater the Marine Military Institute. At the banquet tonight, M. M. I. dedicated the Hollister Exhibit in their Memorial Hall. The General thereby joining other select alumni who have distinguished themselves in the defense of their country. General Hollister was given a standing ovation. If any man in recent memory may be said to have had charisma certainly that man was General Martin J. Hollister. Early on in the Korean War, as a colonel commanding a regiment of armored cavalry Hollister captured the imagination of the American people. His courage, his brilliance in improvising in the heat of battle his colorful garb -- riding breeches, boots and pearl-handled Colt . 45-- soon earned him the nickname ""The Iron Horseman. '' Later as a brigadier general with his own division he distinguished himself by a daring end-run in which out of ammunition and using only his famous pistol and a monumental bluff he succeeded in capturing the opposing enemy commander and his entire headquarters. Finally, a land mine accomplished what nothing else could-- put General Hollister out of action with severe wounds-- wounds that necessitated his untimely retirement from active duty as one of the youngest major generals in this nation's military history. On the foreign scene, the Secretary of State again reiterated the United States's determination to keep current troop levels in Europe stable. In reply to sharp Senate-- [ TVOff ] You still think a man like that could shoot someone for no reason at all? He's practically on Mount Rushmore. You didn't even recognize him when he came here. I was in a state of shock. I mean, I didn't expect him to show up on our doorstep. Why don't you just admit that you're not sure? Because I am sure. You were sure when you were married to Tom too. Remember? You had him running around with every woman in town. No wonder he asked for a divorce. Those were not mirages, Mother! Those were flesh-and-blood ladies he was carrying on with. He even admitted it. Your pot's overcooking. That is not a pot! It's a crock! Oh! [ Clicks Tongue ] General Hollister. Colorful character. Reminds me of General Patton. Old Blood and Guts. How about a game of pool before we call it a night, Lieutenant? No, thanks, Bert. Not tonight. I gotta get up early. Got somethin' special goin' on? Uh, yeah. I think I'm gonna do a little fishin'. Hey. All right. If you catch something good, bring it in. I'll give you a bowl of chili free. Hey! Come on, General, just one more drink, huh? One more? Look, it's Go on home to your wives, gentlemen. Let's go up for one more drink. Look, I always make it a rule to be in bed before reveille. Go home. Good night, gentlemen. [ Sighs ] [ Clicks ] [ Engine Running ] [ Engine Revving ] [ Engine Slowing ] Ahoy, Lieutenant. You're an early bird. Oh, yes, sir. Be right with you. Yeah. I'm just, uh combining a little business with pleasure. At this hour? Well, George-- My brother-in-law George? Well, you don't know him. Yeah. But at any rate, he's a fantastic fisherman, this man and he told me that the best time to catch anything is around about now. He says, get there before everybody, and you kind of catch the fish off guard. Mm-hmm. Doesn't look like it worked. Not yet. But I'm gonna keep trying. Mm-hmm. I don't think you'll catch anything big around here, Lieutenant. You're too close in. Oh? Yeah, you know? You're probably right. General, there's somethin' I don't understand. All the other fishing boats, they were goin' out and your boat is just comin' in. Mm-hmm. Why is that? I've won a lot of battles, Lieutenant, and I've caught a lot of fish by doing the unconventional thing. Do you know that I have always envied somebody with that talent? Mm-hmm. I don't think you can learn that. You know, I think you're born with that? You know, inventors, and military strategists? Now, I wish I had that, because that'd be a terrific thing in my work. Do you know what I mean? Mm-hmm. Yes, I'm sure it would. Oh, General, talking about work, there's a couple of loose ends I'd like to tie up-- Nothin' important, you understand, but I would like to get 'em tied up. Fire away. Well, I was watchin' the news on television last night. Those film clips of you in action? Great stuff!. Really. - Thank you. - Yeah, it was just thrilling. But you know, General, I happened to notice that you were carrying a pearl-handled pistol. Splendid weapon. A single-action Colt . 45. Yeah, I remembered that! That was kinda like your trademark, wasn't it? Well, the thing is this, that, uh yesterday, when I asked you whether you owned any guns you showed me your souvenirs, and you showed me your target pistol. Which is all very well and good. But I was wondering, whatever happened to that pearl-handled revolver? Because when I looked into the crate, you know I didn't see it in there. Lost it, Lieutenant. Long time ago. When I was in the hospital in Korea, someone ""liberated'' it, you know. Wanted a souvenir. Actually, I was-- I was pretty pleased it was taken. It was getting to be just too much of a publicity gimmick. I see. So the Hollister Exhibit is gonna have to do without the famous Hollister gun. Uh, not exactly. M. M. I. wanted one for their Memorial so they had a duplicate made. I see. Uh-huh. Now, uh, I've gotta change. so, if there's anything else I can do for you? No, that'd be all, sir. Oh, fine, fine. just a piece of advice. Find a different spot. Or use a different bait. Otherwise, you're not gonna catch anything, Lieutenant. [ Goats Bleating ] [ Children Chattering ] [ Animals Calling, Bleating, Singing ] Mrs. Stewart . Mrs. Stewart? Good afternoon. Did you watch television last night? Yes, I did. Uh, how did you find me? I went by your apartment. Had a nice talk with your mother. Quite a lady. Isn't she? Mm-hmm. I understand that you're through here in about an hour. Do you suppose that you and I could go somewhere-- oh, a public place, if you're worried-- someplace where we could have a drink? Why? Well, you're breaking the law. Uh, wha--? I don't think I understand. You're accusing convicting and sentencing me, without a fair trial. Now, wouldn't you say that that's un-American? ?? [ Lounge: Jazz ] Here's to your convictions-- and my acquittal. Well, I don't judge you, General. I just report what I saw. Uh, I'd like to suggest the possibility that you were deceived. Deceived by whom? By yourself. We all know the tricks that the sun and the sea--- even your own eyes can play on you, huh? Particularly after a long day on the water. Would you admit that that's possible? just possible. [ Chuckles ] Well, I suppose so. The defense rests. For today. Now, I think we ought to prosecute these martinis before their statutes of limitations expire. Uh, your mother told me that you were divorced. Yes. Well, I saw how very, um good you were with those children? - Do you have any of your own? - No. Unfortunately. I always wanted them, but Tom-- why, th-that's my ex-- he didn't want children. We used to fight about that a lot. [ Laughs ] Well, maybe you only lost one battle Mrs. Stewart. Not a whole war. Well, what about you? Are you married? No. Never could find the time. First, there was my military career. And then, my construction company. I was married to the business, as they say. Well, I-I can understand that. Do you ever regret it? Not really. Oh, there are exceptions. Like, uh last night, when the door opened and I saw you. [ Chuckles ] Oh, come on, General. You don't think I'm so insensitive as to not see through that remark, do you? Now, what do you mean by that? Well, yesterday I called the police and I-I reported that I saw you shoot a man. And today, you're telling me that when you saw me, music filled your ears and thunder and lightning filled the sky? - Oh, boy! - [ Laughing ] Yeah, you're right, you're right. I guess if we both see such a scene in a movie, we'd-we'd break up. [ Chuckles ] I meant it, though. And to prove that, I want to take you to dinner. Agreed? I'll take that for a yes. And if Helen had just closed her eyes to some of Tom's flirtations they might still be married! Whatever happened to your husband, Mrs. Walters? Who knows! Sent him out for Chinese food thirty years ago. and I haven't heard from him since. You know that I have raised that girl since she was three years old, single-handed? Mother-- Mrs. Stewart. Hello, Lieutenant. Well, I hope you don't expect to eat now. No. I already had dinner. At a lovely restaurant overlooking the city. It was just beautiful. Well, you might have called. Did you dine alone? Why, no. Not this time. As a matter of fact, I had dinner with General Hollister. General Hollister. ! Well, what do you know about that? Are you gonna see him again? Well, he-he asked me to come out on his yacht. [ Giggles ] Well, that calls for a drink. You play your cards right-- bourbon today, champagne tomorrow. Makes you kinda wonder, doesn't it? About the General. What do you mean? I didn't tell him your name, you know. And I didn't tell him where you lived. So, uh, he musta gone to a lot of trouble to find you. Curiosity about his accuser. Yeah, could be that. Course, it could be something else. Oh, thanks a lot, Lieutenant. Am I so uninteresting that he couldn't be interested in me for myself? Oh, no. No, no. No, I didn't mean that at all. You're a very individual person. No, what I was talking about was the shooting. You see, I had second thoughts about the shooting. You see, our traffic people, they picked up a couple of kids. They were joyriding in a car they hot-wired. And it turned out this car belonged to a Roger Dutton and he's a Marine colonel, Mrs. Stewart. And it could be that he was the man that you saw in the General's house. You know, you did a lot of investigating for a man who asked me if I wore glasses, or if I had been drinking. Well, that's just part of the job. Anyway I found out this Colonel Dutton booked a passage on an 8:00 p. m. flight to Switzerland. But then, he never showed up to take the plane. Well, I-I still don't get the connection. No, you see, this Colonel Dutton he was in the Marine Matériel Command-- [ Scoffs ] That's a, uh, he's a procurement officer. But he had a lotta dealings with General Hollister. And he suddenly took a leave and then he just disappeared. Now, if you could identify the officer in this photograph as the man that General Hollister shot-- Then, I think, a lot of these pieces would fall into place. I-I can't be sure. Well, now that photograph is three years old-- It all happened so quick. I just can't be sure. I see. Uh-huh. Okay. We haven't found a body yet, so why don't you just keep that? Uh-- And maybe we'll come back to you, yes? All right. Uh, good night, Mrs. Walters. Good night, Mrs. Stewart. Uh-- You know what strikes me? You're the one that downgrades yourself. One dinner with General Hollister and you begin to doubt your senses. [ Door Closes ] [ Seagulls Crying ] [ Boat's Engine Chugging ] Helen? You awake? Ahh! I never knew how hard fishing could be. Never tell that to a fisherman. Look. [ Chuckles ] - What do you see? - Your house. And in the window? [ Chuckles ] I can't see anything, because of the reflection of the sun on the water. You know, you said that you saw a shooting there, about this same time of day. ??["Mood" Strings ] [ Ice Rattling ] [ Clinking ] Ooh. [ Grunts ] Dance? [ Laughing ] Uh, me? No. What? No, I-- I'm kind of a klutz. Well, you know, my ex-husband, Tom, you know, he was-- he was like a ballroom dancer, I mean, he was so smooth it was like-- it was like he was ice skating, you know? And then, I mean, I-- [ Groans ] Well, people used to smirk and make jokes. [ Chuckles ] Those were my plumper days. My mother said [ Giggles ] I looked like a radish. Come here. No! Come here. That's an order. [ Screaming ] [ Ship's Horn Sounding ] [ Male Announcer] This late development has just come into our newsroom. Early this morning, the body of a man surfaced in the ocean one-half mile off Marago Cove. The body has been identified as that of Colonel Roger Dutton of the United States Marine Matériel Command. The police report that Colonel Dutton's whereabouts has been in question for the past two weeks. We return you now to The Timothy Jones Show. [ Clicks Off] Ahoy. ! Ahoy, there, Lieutenant. What's this, another fishing expedition? Not exactly. Just wanted to talk to you, General. Oh, I'm afraid I can't right now. No time. Uh, unless you want to go along. A short scenic cruise? I, uh-- I'm taking an overnight haul. I want to test the engines. Okay. Uh, cast this line off down here and then hop aboard, huh? [ Engine Revving ] [Columbo ] Gorgeous craft! Must have cost a mint, huh? As they say, Lieutenant, if you have to ask, you can't afford it. Right. You know, the biggest thing I've ever been on before is a rowboat. Lieutenant you didn't come all the way out here just to talk about life on the high seas. Huh? Oh! No. No, I was wondering, General have you heard about that body that they found off Marago Cove? Oh, Colonel Dutton? Yeah, I just heard about it. just came on the radio. That is shocking. - Any idea what happened? - Yes, sir. Somebody shot him, sir. I guess they weighted him down and then they just dumped him. Is that a fact? Yeah. Yeah, I guess the sharks must have cut through whatever was holding him down. Well, this is all very interesting, Lieutenant, but why are you telling me this? Well, sir, uh-- to protect you. Protect me? Yes, sir. You see, I know that this is ridiculous but the fellas down there at the department, they're sayin' they've got some kind of a pretty good case against you. - Oh? [ Chuckles ] - Yeah. - Of course, they're way out of line, I know that. - Of course, of course. But you know, they have these ideas, and it could be embarrassing. I tell ya, I, uh-- I kinda hate to get into it. - I mean, a man of your stature-- - By all means, get into it, Lieutenant. Yes, sir. [ Columbo ] Well, take motive. Your construction company got a lot of contracts through Colonel Dutton. So did hundreds of other companies. Yeah, but it seems as though he was being investigated by the Inspector General. And if he were killed, there would be no way of proving a conspiracy to defraud the government. Well, if no one's around, perhaps that means it doesn't exist! [ Engine Revving ] Right. Right, that's a good point. Uh, there's one other thing. Uh, the morning after he disappeared you went out on your yacht. Sheer coincidence . Yeah, it probably is. But we do know that the body was disposed of at sea. Now, I've been studying the tides, General. Now, the Coast and Geodetic Survey's got a book on 'em and it shows that a body dumped off the marina in the ocean might carry down to Marago Cove. Might, Lieutenant. Might. Sheer speculation! Lieutenant, you should tell your colleagues that they have yet to show any link between Colonel Dutton and myself-- something that would prove that we actually met on that day. Yes, sir, uh, you're right there. But now that you mention it, it occurs to me that the night that the colonel disappeared I did see a car like his across the street from your house. I don't know what kind of a car the colonel drove but there must be thousands of them in Southern California. You didn't, uh, by any chance [ Sighing Deeply ] check the registration at the time? Uh, no, sir. No, sir, I didn't. - There's no reason to. - Now, that was unfortunate, wasn't it? [ Revs Engine ] Uh, General, if you don't mind, I'd like to go back now. Yes, as you wish. I guess we're about through with this test run. [ Revving Faster ] You know, Lieutenant, I don't see how a man with the name of "Columbo"-- Shouldn't he be more at home on a boat? Must have been another branch of the family, sir. How soon before we land? Not long. [ Groans ] You know, General, there is a link between you and Colonel Dutton. Really? Mrs. Stewart. An eyewitness to the *** of a military man in your house. Help the lady aboard. Oh! Oh, Lieutenant, would you-- [ Fussing ] Let me take the bag. Well, no, maybe you better-- Could you just-- Yeah. No, no. Yeah. Should I take the bag? All right. Yeah, yeah. [ Grunts ] All right? There we are. Okay? Oh! Thank you. Thank you. Are you all right? Me? Fine. just fine, yes. There's something I wanted to talk to you about, Mrs. Stewart. Uh, we've just recovered a body. A Colonel Dutton, the man that I spoke to you about? Somebody dumped him in the ocean. He thinks I shot him. What I think is unimportant. What counts is what you saw. [ Scoffs ] I-- Well, I-I didn't see anything. Well, now, Mrs. Stewart, that's not what you said. Well, no, it was the light, some crazy reflection-- Yeah, but you told me that you distinctly-- I don't care what I said. I was wrong. - Can't a person make a mistake? - Look, maybe if I could talk about this later on. I'm gonna say the same thing later that I'm saying now, so would ya-- Would you just please leave me alone? If you ever want to go out again, I'll be happy to take you, Columbo. [ Sighs Deeply ] Hey, Lieutenant. How goes it? So-so, huh? How 'bout a bowl of chili? - Bert, gimme some chili. - Ah, there you go. Comin' right up, Lieutenant. [ Bowl Rattles ] Got the best in town, you know. You got a match? Sure. ! Lemme get this chili to ya. Here you go, your crackers-- [ Silverware Rattling ] [ Blows ] Here you go. Help yourself. How do you like that coffee? Is that black? What's this? What is this? That's my helmet from the war. - What war? - What war. World War II! My wife says I can never throw anything out. So the other day she put her foot down. She says either the junk goes or she goes. You decided to keep her. [ Sighs ] It was a tough decision. Anyway, I brought all my war trophies over here. Hey! Wait a minute. You're one guy that can appreciate this. I'll get you another bowl of chili. My chili is good, no matter what-- Here. Yeah, I got this, that-- Look at this. Like, I saved a little-- It's a Japanese stirring spoon. I got 'em at Okinawa, the commissary. Yeah. [ Chuckles ] Ah, well. You know, I guess my wife is right. I can't give anything away. Especially when it means something to ya. Yeah, that was a long time ago, Lieutenant. [ Sighs ] Yeah. Bert, gimme a dime. Okay, Lieutenant. There you go. Let me give you that bowl of chili I dropped on ya. Is that cream and sugar in that coffee? Mrs. Stewart? Lieutenant Columbo. Mrs. Stewart? Listen. I appreciate very much your coming down here and meeting me. just remember our agreement, Lieutenant. No questions and no trying to get me to change my mind. Not one question. Not even a half a question. I only wanted you to see the exhibit. Why? Look. In order to understand a man, you have to understand his past. Quite a collection, huh? You see that book? That's a Marine Military Manual. Do you know the story behind that book? No. Mm-mm. Martin wanted to wait till the first rush of tourists had passed, so he could explain everything to me himself. Oh. Gee, I guess he wants you to know what kind of man he is too. About this book. There's a bullet in that book. A sniper tried to kill him. And that book stopped a bullet. And you know, he never batted an eye? I mean, that-- that tells you something about what kind of man he is. Yes, that he's a man filled with courage. More than a great deal. I think he has an unusual amount of courage. More than you and I, and more than average people. I mean, if was me, I would faint. I mean, most people would take time to recover. But he didn't. You see, I think he's, uh-- He's a very a cool man under pressure. Hey, that's nice, isn't it? Isn't that beautifully cut? Custom tailored. You know, I think it's almost too nice. I mean, all that concern about clothes, it's kinda vain, don't you think? [ Clicks Tongue ] Some men, Lieutenant do not want to look like an unmade bed. just look at this stuff. [ Clicks Tongue ] Look at that! I mean, this man just had a natural flair for attracting attention to himself. Sometimes undesirable attention, Lieutenant. You don't seem surprised to see me. Oh, I was kind of expecting you. I mean, when I spoke to Mrs. Stewart I had a hunch that she'd tell you. I'd like to know what this is all about. All right, sir. I'll get right to the point. It's has to do with that duplicate of your gun. What about it? Well, I find it hard to believe-- Mrs. Stewart, see if you agree with me on this-- I find it hard to believe that a man like General Hollister who saved and cherished every war souvenir-- even the smallest photograph-- I just think it's strange that he was so careless as to allow his gun to be stolen. I mean, that pistol was the most famous single symbol of his whole legend. You agree with me, don't you? Well-- [ Sighs ] I don't know what you want me to say. Well, if it was me-- if it was my gun I would take very good care of that gun. I'd have it in my apartment where people could see it and I would keep it polished, and I would keep it oiled and I would keep it loaded. And when a certain Colonel Dutton came to see me and threatened to expose me, that's the gun that I would use. Well, if what you say is true, I mean, you searched! - Where is that gun? - That's what I asked myself. Where is the gun? Why not on public display? Why not in a glass case? Why not in front of thousands of people? And after we found Colonel Dutton's body, anybody else-- you, me, anybody else-- We'd have gotten rid of that gun. We found the bullet in the victim and the ballistics check will match up the bullet with the gun. But somehow, General, something told me that you could never get rid of that gun. It meant too much to you. You couldn't even part with a cigarette lighter. No, that pearl-handled pistol was just too tied up in your pride. Because of your tremendous belief in yourself, you figured everyone would accept your story about having a duplicate made. But there never was a duplicate made, was there? This, in fact, is the *** weapon, isn't it, General? I assume Ballistics has checked out the gun. That won't be necessary. All right, Lieutenant. [ Softly ] I'm sorry. What is it with me, Lieutenant, huh? I seem to have a special talent, you know? I mean, with-- With all the men in the world, I always seem to pick Mr. Wrong. I'm seriously considering locking myself in a closet for the rest of my life. No. That's wrong. That's just the way my niece, Marilyn, felt after her divorce. Now she's got a new husband. As a matter of fact, he's a cop. And they got six kids. Lieutenant-- I mean, just between us, would you tell me the truth? Do you really have a niece? What kind of a question is that? ""Do I really have a niece?'' Well, do you? Of course I've got a niece! My wife's sister's girl, Cynthia.