Community S4E7 - English Transcript

His name is Archie Decoste. Age, 22, total years spent in high school, seven. Sat score zero. And he was recently arrested for selling marijuana to a police officer at a police station. So, you want us to help you recruit this idiot instead of an honors student or a science genius? Do we go to the same Greendale? Ah, but let me reveal the fortune inside this cookie. Family net worth, $8 million. Ladies and gentlemen, this is what we in the community college recruiting game call a "whale." The perfect mix of low intellect, high lack of ambition, and limitless parental support. So, a rich dumb-dumb who will never graduate and keep dropping money into the school indefinitely. Got it. Is there really that much money in this, Dean, or is it like that endorsement deal you made with let's potato chips? If you don't like the crispy-licious taste of Let's, feel free to eat that other greasy brand. Splingles? Not this guy. Thank you, Troy, and, I will explain the value of this whale by describing one who's been swimming right under your nose. Pierce Hawthorne has taken 80% of Greendale's classes more than twice. He is the only Greendale student who has ever paid for a premium locker or the extended pencil warranty. Pierce cannot know about this. He's a big baby who throws tantrums when anyone else gets attention. Remember when Kerri Strug visited our campus? - That was horrible. - That was awful. I have scheduled Archie's visit for tomorrow when Pierce has no classes. Guys, I'm asking, as treasurer of the forensics club. The Dean said we could use some of the whale money for a new body farm. - Mmm. - Who wants to help? I'm in. Sounds like a romper. We do need money. The biology department's been dissecting the same dead pig for 10 years. If we land this kid, we can buy 100 dead pigs and make everybody happy. I'll help where I can, but I started a new PE class. I've been avoiding it for three years, but you can't run from running forever. I'm in PE too. I made room in my trophy case. Then, I remembered classes don't give out trophies, so I put a fishbowl there instead. It's been quite the week. So, the rest of us will have to pick up the slack, and, yes, Jeffrey, I assume you're out, because of your track record of literally being too cool for school. Actually, you can count me in on this one. What? You had me at "no Pierce." He's been all over me lately to hang out. It's weird. You just want to be a part of something. Admit it, Thanksgiving softened that Winger underbelly. Ugh, Britta. Now, let's set sail and hunt that whale! - Yeah. - Hey, let's do that. Oh! You know what the commercial says. "Keep your damn hands off my Let's." Give me some rope tie me to dream give me the hope to run out of steam somebody said it can be here we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year I can't count the reasons I should stay one by one they all just fade away ♪ Hey, Jeff, there you are. I was thinking we could swing by this great barbershop I know. You're looking a little stubbly, and nobody handles a razor like an Italian. They develop nimble fingers from pleasing their mistresses. Thank you for opening my eyes to two new stereotypes. Now, how can I put this? No. I don't want to go. Not now, not ever. No. No prob. We'll work around your skedge. Ah. - It's okay. Pierce is gone. - Yes. Walking Dead has left the building. Resume operation, Deadliest Catch. Archie is gonna love this banner. The name, brand glitter really shows. Yo, yo, yo. School board guys in the hizzie! Richie, Richie, pace yourself. Hey, there, Dean. Just thought we'd pop in and check on the big whale hunt. Ah, what a day we have planned for young Archie. Library tour, calculator lab demonstration And, it all culminates in the "spirit of Greendale" reception. Magnitude is a soft yes. Oh, wow, that's a get. As much as we love that magnitude, your tour may be lacking a little Tour sucks, bro. - What? - You gotta think big. Hookers, blow, hookers. He's been mixing, but there is some wisdom there. We need this whale money. The kid likes snowboarding. Maybe Shaun White finds his way on the faculty roster. He likes to party. Maybe Greendale suddenly has a frat. The Delta Cubes, or whatever. Dean, you're not considering this, are you? No, no. Greendale stands on its own. No hookers, no blow, no Shaun White frat. College dean threatening a fraternity. You'll never shut down the Delta Cubes. - What? - Delta Cubes, Delta Cubes, Delta Cubes Look, it's your call, Craig. Don't let this whale swim away. Cruise by Skeeper's Express for a refill? I'll second that motion. I've been working on my victory dances. Basketball, football, and crab soccer. That one's the hard one. Well, that's nice. Hey, when I was in grade school, PE was about being picked on and picked last, but, you'll put me on your team, right? - Right, but also, wrong. - Ah. PE's about survival of the fittest. Line up, class. Welcome to PEE I'm coach Jason Chapman. Physical education education? I thought that was a typo in the course cartalogue. It started as a typo, but it's grown into one of Greendale's most successful programs. Anyone can take PE. I teach my student coaches to teach PE. - Something funny, coach Barnes? - No, it's just You're teaching us how to be gym teachers. Gym teachers? A gym is a building, a man-made structure inside which physical education teachers teach physical education to physical education students. Pop quiz, coach Barnes, a student is choking on a plastic golf ball. - What do you do? - I How many orange cones does it take to line a regulation soccer field? What if students are talking during stretches? When my kids talk past bedtime, I use my angry voice, and I say, "the next peep I hear will be the last." And I give 'em one of these. Not bad, coach Bennett. - Look at me! - I see you. Two hours late? This is exactly the lack of follow-through that makes Archie so appealing, but still, send a text, right? Okay, Abed, I told you we're not doing the fraternity idea. The Delta Cubes will never die. We've only just begun to fight. You only began yesterday. Whale, ho! Look alive, everyone. Hey, what are you guys all doing out here? Oh, no! Pierce will ruin everything! What's an Archie? Why does he get a banner? Jeff! Do something. Oh! Ugh. There you are, Pierce. Thought you were gonna cancel our plans. - Plans? - To spend the entire day together away from everyone else. Oh, yeah! Those plans. Suck it, bozos. You're getting ditched by the cool kids. Oh, what a day we're gonna have. Text me the instant I can ditch him. - Oh! - Hey, guys. Sweet campus. Welcome to Greendale. I'm bean Pelton. "Bean Pelton?" Dean Pelton. Gosh, I'm nervous. Please enroll in our school. Please, please. Nice scooter, Archie. Yeah, city college gave it to me as a present. - City college? - Mmm-hmm. City college bought you a vespa? Brand-new. So, Archie, have you heard about our half-pipes and hash pipes class, taught by professor Shaun White? - What? - Yeah, let me tell you about it in our Mountain Dew cool zone tent. Put up a tent, write "Mountain Dew" on it, make it cool. Ah, here we go. Let's keep going. This is our library. Okay. Archie, why don't you "hang ten" on the web while I talk business, and you know what? You can take that computer. Wah! Sweet! My friends and I can drop it off an overpass. Ah, I shouldn't have heard that. Dean, you're giving him our computers? He is a 22-year-old stoner-head whose parents bought him a GED. Which college is he going to choose? Vespa state, or "ooh, look at our library" university? Those school board guys were right. - Britta, where do we get drugs? - Really? Look who stumbled onto the high road. This is a slippery slope. Well, city college slipped that slope when they slipped him that scooter, but they sure slipped up when they let him set foot on our soil. Three, two, one! Time! Coach Barnes, it seems dodge ball storage isn't quite in your skill set, much like table tennis prep. Excellent job, coach Bennett. You have the spatial reasoning skills of a young Kevin Miller, a really good PE teacher I know. The skill of ranking others in order of ability is crucial. In this next drill, our two best student coaches will split the rest of the class, coach Bennett, coach Neil. - Yeah! - Pick your teams. - Coach Donovan. - Coach Goldman. - Coach McKenna. - Coach Cutler. - Coach Winston. - Ooh, coach Dornetto. - Coach Guest. - Coach Panos! Oh. Choose wisely. You're one decision away from victory or defeat. Coach Marzec. Oh, yay! Well picked, coach Bennett. Your team wins! Oh, we won! Nice! Ah, the barbershop. A reminder of a bygone era when men were men, and women were sex cooks who did laundry. I've been getting a daily shave here for decades. And apparently, reading the same eight magazines the entire time. Yeah, National Geographic's got some tribal *** shots that are exquisite. There's something about a breast that's never been touched by white hands. You are a complicated man. Silvio, spin up lucky number seven. You know what? That feels good, I'll give you that. Now, that soda goblet gets you free refills in the cafeteria, and it was painted by our professor Ed Hardy - Whoa! - Who teaches bikini class. Oh, yeah! Whoa, check out that bling! I want that. You heard him, Annie! Bling the king! Yeah, just take it off of him. - There you go. - Thank you. Delta Cubes! Prepare to bond through embarrassment. Pacifiers in! Commence Code Dean! Code Dean! Gosh dean it, Abed! I told you, no fraternities! There's soda all over my kicks! Britta, give Archie your scarf so he can dry his kicks. Dry his kicks, Britta. Put your back into it! No! Line drawn! If I wanted to wait on a rich man hand and foot, I would've gone to Dubai what that sheik I met at trader Joe's. Don't worry about her, Archie. Onward to the Microbrew Pizzatorium! I think all a man needs in life is a close shave, a cold beer, and you know, maybe a faithful dog. Hmm, I had a chocolate lab growing up, Rosie. Oh. She used to wake me up every morning by licking my feet. Mine was Walter, a German Shepherd. Followed me to school every day. I'd look out the window, and there he was, dropping a steaming fat one on the lawn. Would someone please tell me why I've been shaving my own face all these years like a sucker? This state-of-the-art mock locker room, or "mocker room," simulates the conditions of an actual locker room. Don't we have an actual locker room? You think you're ready for that, coach Barnes? For our next drill, drama students will play the role of PE students, and each of you will oversee them in a "mocker room" setting. My character just had her first period. Mine has eczema! Coach Bennett, care to go first? Yes! Keep yo hands to yourself! Running will get you five laps, mister! - Ow! - Joey! I will come in that shower and kick yo bare ***! Sorry, coach Bennett. I have never seen such natural disciplinary skills. You're up next, coach Barnes. Entertain us with your ineptitude. How's the foam machine coming, Leonard? Memories will be made tonight. Destiny! Oh, thank you for coming on such short notice. Well, I did get your Christmas card. Look no, so no, no, no time to pre-party. You and the girls get in position and wait for my signal. Strippers? Oh, tons. - It's good for the school. - Mmm-hmm. The whale is here. Balloon drop, go! There you go. Release the ***. - Oh, yeah. - No way! Pierce. I was wrong about this shop. It really is special. Well, if you like the place so much, why don't you gay marry it? You probably didn't notice it, Jeff, but I've been subtly trying to get us some alone time. I might've picked up on that. I'm no stranger to father issues, so I know confronting your dad couldn't have been easy, and I just want to say I'm proud of you. Well If you're so proud Why don't you gay marry me? You guys, behave! Hit the showers! Everybody in the showers! Please stop hitting each other! Hit the showers! Cut! Scene! Shirley, help. I can't control these drama students or their characters. No! No! PE is survival of the fittest, Troy. Hey, your phone's buzzing. Ooh, it's from Annie. You sly dog. "Need more time. Keep Pierce busy." Keep me busy? Look, the group is giving some big shot a tour, so it's my job to keep you busy. You know how you get jealous. So, that's why you spent the day with me? You drew the short straw. Well, that's how it started, but I really did end up having a good time. Yeah, I used to regret not having a son to bring here. I'm glad I didn't have kids. They just end up disappointing you. So Archie, having a good time? Gettin' crazy up in this club? Sicker than ever, bro! I've made my decision, Dean. I'm about to get all up in this Greendale. Whoo! Human beings, it's official! Say hello to our newest Greendalian, Archie Decoste! Pop pop! Pop pop! I want that to be my thing now. I don't think you can do that. Magnitude, you're not to say "pop pop" ever again. Not pop? That's right. Find a new thing. Get him out of here. Ah! Here we go! We're back! Get dirty Get dirty Get dirty Get dirty Pop pop! She's a dirty girl Well, we did it. We did what we had to do, and I feel great about it. - It's all for Greendale. - All for Greendale. Oh, you look pretty sad for someone whose forensics club can now afford that state-of-the-art body farm. Mmm! I can smell the corpses now. None of this is weighing on you? Sha! The only thing weighing on me is tons and tons of whale money. - Ah, Jeffrey. - Hey. Landed a whale, huh? Yeah, but I'm starting to feel like maybe we Okay, Archie goes to Greendale now. We're moving forward, Annie! Okay, we all paid a price. You don't hear Jeffrey grumbling, and, he had to spend a whole day with walking dead. Well, that's true. You know what? I can't believe I'm gonna say this. Don't talk about Pierce like that. Look, maybe the only reason he can be so unpleasant is because we expect him to be. If we don't treat him like such a *** Well, he'll probably still be one 98% of the time, but the 2% he's tolerable, it might be worth it. Well, who put the salt in his cereal, huh? Look, I, for one, am still proud of what we did for Greendale. I've been up all night trying out new catchphrases. Diggity doo? My God, what have we done? I thought you dropped pee. I did, but I lost my keys in the mocker. I had to hitchhike home last night in a burrito truck. It's not as fun as it sounds. I'm sorry for how I acted in class. Don't apologize. You were the fittest, and you survived. Still, no one deserves to be mocked for being mock-locked in a mock locker. Friends should help friends survive. Ah! Oh, geez! Hi. Ah, ah, ah! So, I'm going to help you learn to teach the most unteachable student there is. Teachers teaching to teach Coaches coaching to coach You've gotta dig down deep To prove you want it the most Get your physical education Education There's no room in the gym for hesitation PEE is not PE It's a totally different philosophy It's physical education Education - Well done, coach Barnes. - I can't breathe. You as well, coach Bennett. You know, I was supposed to teach you two to teach other people, but instead, you ended up teaching me. Oh. I did it! I used the water fountain. Archie, wake up! Chillax, bro. It's not even noon. I will neither chill nor relax. All this hoopla is not what Greendale really is. Greendale is a nice welcome banner. Greendale is a foamless cafeteria. And Greendale is Magnitude saying "pop pop." Now, I am a man of very little integrity, and I let students get away with practically anything on this campus, but I will not allow Greendale to lose the things that make it Greendale. Now, Archie, I would love for you to enroll in my school, but I will not change it for you. Greendale will stay Greendale, no matter what. You know what? Everybody kisses my *** because my dad is loaded, and they always give me free stuff, like that jet ski I sunk, but it would be pretty sweet to be treated like a normal dude So I'm in. Magnitude. You usually have the perfect blend of brevity and wit that sums up situations like this. Pop pop! Yay! Oh, that's so good! So good! I think we all learned today that all human beings deserve dignity. Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes, operation, slack attack! Slack attack? Ah! Delta Cubes! Delta Cubes! Mark my words, Delta Cubes, you'll pay for this! I've even been to paradise is this seat taken? Free country. Christopher Columbus may have reached ♪ You know, I was thinking I might start coming here more often. I like the vibe. You know what sport I never got? Golf. No argument here. They lost me immediately with the clown clothes. You know, I belong to a dozen country clubs. Never played. I just spend my time hitting on the waitresses. There's something about a country club waitress that just makes you wanna pay your dues every year. Let's snack it up Let's do it right Let's taste the crisp with the flavor and crunch with all our might Let's grab a bag Let's take a bite Let's grab potato chips, Let's do it right ♪ Get your damn hand off of my Let's! Honestly, after all that, you still eat splingles? Uh, yeah, Troy. Splingles have 30% less fat. They're the fit chip. You know, I kinda have a headache. Maybe you should go home.