The Office S3E15 - English Transcript

Hello, son. If you are watching this, that means I'm already dead. Life is How do you know it's going to be a boy? How would you stop interrupting, please? Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork, and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious. And if I die, I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life. Here're some things that I want to teach you. That your mother won't be able to. To jump start a car, First, pop the hood. then you take these bad boys. And clip them anywhere on the engine. Then, you take these And clip them wherever. Number eight. Learn how to take off a woman's bra. We will demonstrate on Pam, and -No, no. - Come on You just twist your hands, Until something breaks. Well, you get the picture. Thanks, Pam. And, remember. No matter what, I will always love you. What if he's a murderer? He's not going to be a murderer. Maybe, that's how you die. You know what, Dwight? Do you want to this or no? - I want to do this. - Okay. from the top, ready? - Three - Action () The Office 3x15 "Ben Franklin" Original Air Date: Feb 1, 2007 (NBC) Hello, everyone. As you know, we are six days away from Philly's wedding To get your suits to the dry cleaners, To get your hair did. And, Karen, um you might want to invest in a dress or a skirt of some kind, if you don't or already have one. This may be Phyllis's only wedding ever. It's my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins. So I am instituting Primae Noctis. Primae Noctis. I believe from the movie Braveheart, and confirmed on Wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what Primae Noctis meant. I'm trying to get everyone excited about Philly's wedding. Because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes which won't be hard Because it's going to be awesome, a lot better than hers. That's for sure. It will probably be on a boat. Whazzup, spinstas? Nothing. You know, this is a luncheon shower. Girls only. No problem. The guys are having a little Shindig in the room, in the warehouse From 2:30 to 3:15 And, this is the only time that Bob is available. Sort of a guy's night out. A G-N-O, if you will. A gno. Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A ***. Not. Not it's, uh not gay. It's just it's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour-long shower with guys. *** I guess, Jim and I have had a little bit of rough patch for the past couple of weeks. But, we had some really good talks. And, actually now I think that were better than ever. Karen and I had a long talk last night. And, the night before that, And every night for the last five nights Something's up with Jim and Karen. Not that I've been eavesdropping. It's not really any of my business. But I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck. Halpert! Tall, ***, handsome as ever. Everybody, it's me, Jim. Hello, Hello. Todd Packer. Karen Filippelli. Jim's girlfriend. Shut up! Shut! That's rude Either this chick is dude or Halpert got scared straight! Yes! Yes! Ohhh there - What happened? What? - Oh, god Somebody help! Help the man! No! no! I can't believe you're not going to be there. It's gonna be good. It's gonna be a great bachelor party, man. - I have a full day sales call - you should get out of them. It's the only time you can do it. It's going to be great. We are going to be doing some darts. There's going to be a grilling up some stakes, have some pies, going to be very delicious and what kind of stripper did you get? I did not order a stripper. You didn't order a stripper. Have you ever been to a bachelor party? Not personally. No. Mike, okay. A stripper is ��Bachelor Party 101' If you don't order a stripper, your party is going to suck. I can't get a stripper here. *** harassment. Just Get one for the girls too. That evens it out. You know, separate but equal. So that's what that means. Okay everybody. slight change of plans We are still going to be having two parties But each is going to get a little extra dose of naugh-tay. All right. Okay, coed naked stripper in this office. For realsies. Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office. Shut up! Angela! - Hey - Hey Everything okay? Oh, yeah. Why? Well, you seem a little tired. Oh, yeah. Well, I guess there's been a couple of late nights. Karen and I have been up talking. You should get more sleep. Yeah, I know I should. Never underestimate the power of a good night's sleep. No, I'm sure you're right. When I get eight hours, compared to like, six hours it's like, big difference. Really? Oh yeah. Gotta get your REM cycle, going with the whole sleeping better than not. Good advice, Beesly. Thanks. See you out there? Yeah. Don't fall asleep at your desk. Okay, we are off. Ryan and I are going to get some supplies. And, I need you to handle hiring the strippers. Absolutely not. On it! Go get on it, and make it happen. Ruddy chicks, thick calves, no tats, no moles No tats. No, tats! Of course, I Stop. That's disgusting. Leave me alone and get the male stripper. I knew you would, Nancy. Sally. No preference. What do you think? Redhead or blondhead? Blond. Nice. Do you have any blond women? He hasn't even said a word, yet. Just giggling. Yes ? You okay? I'm I'm in the sex shop Ah, gotcha. Okay, so they had Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin, or Sponge Bob SquarePants. SquarePants? Yup. Sponge Bob SquarePants And, you think that'd be sexy? Michael referred me to a male strip club, called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania. Oh, hold the door, please. Thank you. - Oh, hello - Hello You wearing a thong? What? Sparking cider is very good. I think that's champagne. Hello, ladies. Who here is the history buff? I. Who's the fan of buff naked? Without further ado the one, the only, the sexy. Mr. Benjamin Franklin. Thank you for the introduction, Mr. Scott. And, good afternoon, fine gentlewomen of Dunder-Mifflin. Half-pants. Right, Mr. Franklin? Knickers in fact, yes. He says it is knickers. Mr. Franklin, I would say you were probably one of the sexiest presidents ever. Well, actually, I never was president. Yes, but Ben Franklin was. Well, I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life, and, the era of founding fathers. and, when they came over on the mayflowers. Wait, this is the entertainment? Yeah, all right. So, I want you to give him your undivided attention. And, Mr. Franklin, if anyone of these ladies misbehave, I'd give you a permission to spank them. Especially, that one. Have you ever seen a stripper before? Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias. It was one of her many aliases. Yeah. Me neither. - Hey - Hi I'm Elizabeth. I'm the dancer that you guys requested Okay, I specifically ordered a stripper. I'm the stripper. Oh, okay, good. Well, I'll keep your 'Please identify yourself', or such. Oh, god. "Is she hot?�� Text back, ��Kind of�� It was warm June evening in 1752, the night of my faithful kite flight. Mr. Franklin, do you have a girlfriend? I have a lovely wife, Deborah. But don't you also have girlfriends in Paris? Like, a lot of them? Ah, well, that is a gray area of my life. Okay? So, it was a warm June evening Look at that. Nothing like grilling in the great outdoors. Is this the same grill you grilled your foot on? No. Yes. - Oh gross - But I got all the of the foot off of it. Okay, Ben Franklin. Oh, Ben Franklin tied a cherry stem in his mouth! Well, that is because I am a renaissance man. Ben Franklin? Do you wear boxers, briefs, or pantaloons? Well, you're very saucy Guys, Beef! It's what's for dinner. Who wants some man meat? I do! I want some man meat! Michael, Dwight would like your man meat. Well, then my man meat he shall have. There you go. - Dee-li-ci-ous-ity - Of course So, I guess you have the Ben Franklin wig, and a costume, And you figure how can I put those for practical use? Well, I'd like to think that his dad was a Ben Franklin impersonator. And, he really pressured him into it. Hey, um, I wanted to talk to you I know this is weird or whatever, but um Jim told me about you guys. What do you mean? Well, that you kissed. And we've talked it through, and it's totally fine. It's not a big deal. It was just a kiss. Wait, you're not still interested in him? Oh, yeah. Really? Oh, no! I? I'm I was confused by your phrasing. You should definitely go out with Jim. I mean, you're going out with Jim. I��m not going out with Jim. You're dating him. Which is awesome because you guys are great together. Okay. And I'm not into Jim. Yeah. So, uh we're good. Yeah. Sorry. What are you sorry about? Um what? What are you sorry about? Nothing. I was just thinking of something else. Okay, the game is 'No-limit Deuce-to-Seven Lowball' Once 25/50, nickels are worth 10, dimes 25, and quarters 50, nothing wild I'll go suffle Here we go. Mike Ah, gentlemen. The entertainment is here. Everybody, I'd like to introduce you to Elizabeth. Hi, guys. I hear there's an important meeting here. I'm not really into strippers. You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist. And I appreciate that. It's very moving. And sexy. The art. Hit it. So, where's the groom? He is right there. - There he is. - Absolutely not That's all you need. Okay, all right. I'll do it. Yeah, let's do it. Let's do this thing. - Yeah, What am I - Sit down, down Oh, here we go, alright. Not bad, not bad. You smell nice. Like Tide. Um, What's that? Smell like Tide Detergent. Do you use Tide Detergent? I have a girlfriend, so I bet she'd be jealous. Yeah, she'd probably be. Yeah, she'd be. You know what? Okay, excuse me. Just please stop it, stop it. Stop the music. This is wrong, this is wrong! This is wrong. I have a girlfriend, and, you are engaged. and, I'm sure you have a boyfriend in prison or something. So let's just clear it out, okay? Shame on you! Go back to work! Elizabeth, I want you to sit here. When the phone rings, answer it. You want me to answer the phones, with my clothes on. We hired you for three hours work, and we are gonna get it. Oh, I love your poster. Thank you. You know, I invented electricity. I know. Well, I'm sensing a little electricity here. Didn't Ben Franklin have syphilis? Yes. But, I don't. My name is Gordon. On one hand, I want to be honest with Jan, and tell her the truth. And, on the other hand, I'm afraid that she's gonna just dump me. You know, Michael. I fathered in illegitimate son. Really? But I've kept all this from my wife, Deborah. These things are only serve to upset the women. They are the gentler sex. Wow. Ben Franklin, you are really kind of sleazebag. Stripper, Can I ask you a question about women? Um should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me? Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone. Wow. Thank you. Care for a piece of chocolate? Chocolate! Where did you acquire it? That is a delicacy in the Amazon but it has not yet been imported to the United States. - Who is the King of Austria? - Joseph the Second. - Who is the king of Prussia? - Friedrich Wilhelm the Third. Who is the king of England? Why, the tyrant King George, of course. I don't care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure. Michael, I left a meeting. What is so urgent? Are you are you okay? Not really. Look, I don't know how to say this, so I just will. Okay. I um went to a bachelor party. And, things got little out of hand. Ah when? When did Whenlast night? No, today at work. You went to a bachelor party at work? Yes, I kind of arranged it. Well, I don't even think the stripper was that hot. Do you guys think she was hot? Kelly, don't do this. Do what? I just asked a question. You know what you're doing. Anyway, you know who was totally flirted with Franklin? Pam. Really? Looks like I hired the right guy. I'm glad. And, you are the potential Deborah Read? Yeah, right. God, I need a boyfriend. Um, you know what, Ryan. I'm totally ready to be set up with one of your business school friends. - Whenever - Okay Oh my god, I would get so fat if I worked here. Yeah? I lose my appetite all the time. You can stripe, you know. Thanks. So you don't want to end our relationship? I'm closer to firing you! That is so sweet. You are the best GD girlfriend in the world. Do you know that? - Thank you - you are. you are. So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth, the stripper? Gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't. Are you near-sighted or far-sighted? Both That's why I invented the bifocal.