Magnum, P.I. S4E20 - English Transcript

This your first case? Yes. To yesterday. I'm one of the top ranking women surfers in the world. AII I wanna do is surf and win. You stay away from Karen Teel or you're history. You got that? She quit the competition. I will, for you. You see, the one trick in staying alive in this crazy, ***-eyed world is to know when you're licked. It's kind of funny how the years can sometimes creep by on you two or three at a time and nothing much changes. You're in a routine and all that you really get is a little older untiI whammo! You get a big 365 that sometimes sets you right on your ear. Changes everything. I guess 1979 was that kind of year for me. I resigned from the Navy and I became a private investigator. Of course, that's a big over-simplification. Actually, there was a little more to it than that. There was Karen TeeI, for example. The best woman surfer of 1979. And 1978, and 1977, and 1976. Karen was the best. She always won, no matter who she went up against. And I really think it was that way because her love for life brought out the best in her. I know that, because a long time ago Karen TeeI brought out the best in me. It seemed like only yesterday. Who's there? Magnum. Magnum who? I say, Magnum I wonder if you would be so kind as to finally if not graciously, return the Are you going on a journey, Magnum? Yes. I see. Perhaps, a lengthy one? Perhaps. Judging a beauty contest, no doubt. Cheap, gold-plated women with a trophy of similar ilk. Bon voyage. How long? I don't know. Magnum, where are you really going? Probably to Doc Ibold. I think I need stitches. I doubt it. It hurts. Your extremely limited capacity for pain never ceases to amaze me as does the fact that you actually survived three tours of duty in Vietnam. Now, I insist you tell me what you're up to. I am up to a case. How long? Where? For whom? Higgins, what did you want me to return? Because I'm just about to leave. Never mind that. I'll find it. Right now, we're discussing your cavalier abrogation of your duties here on this estate. Now, I demand to know where you're going. I will call you every night, I promise. Magnum, wait. What? You're not taking the Ferrari. I don't need it. But - I've got the Jimmy. Robin said it's all right. Magnum, I demand to know where you're going. Out of your life. Thomas Wolfe once wrote a book called You Can't Go Home Again. It was partly about a guy's inability to recapture the past. No matter how hard he tried, things had changed. People changed. All of which brought me to the question of why I was driving out to the North Shore to see Karen TeeI. Perhaps, I was trying to go home again. This your first case? Oh, no. Not exactly. I mean, I had a very tough insurance adjustment claim just the other week and I mean, there were three cars and a pineapple truck and Yes, if you hire me, this is my first case. So, how did you find me, Miss Teel? Oh, it's Karen, please. Karen. Actually, I picked this up at The Curl at Haleiwa. It worked? The matchbook worked. Listen, any private investigator that advertises on a matchbox is worth a shot. I also asked Jack the bartender about you. He said that you'd been in naval intelligence and that you knew what you were doing. Now, that's what I really need is someone who knows what the hell they're doing. What's the problem? See, I need someone right now who can keep me in one piece for 10 days. See, I'm entered in the 1979 North Shore Surf-out in Haleiwa. I'm good, and I'm a favorite. As a matter of fact, I'm one of the top ranking women surfers in the world. I don't know much about professional surfing. But you do know a little bit about guerilla warfare. Jack told me. See, the problem is that there's this bunch of guys a syndicate, I guess, who represent a couple of other women surfers. Good ones, but maybe not as good as me. And they've invested all this money in them so that if they win, they get endorsements, surfboard manufacturers clothing, soft drink commercials, things like that. You know, big bucks. It's a lot of bucks. I guess what I'm trying to say is that they don't want me to compete. And for sure, they don't want me to win. Then, you'd get all the endorsements. Yeah, but I don't need that. I don't even have a sponsor. All I want to do is surf. And win? And win. So, what do you say? It sounds like you need a bodyguard. Yeah, I guess I do. But I also want to find out who the muscle guy is. It would make a lot of people happy. Sea's becoming very rough out there. So rough that I would wanna hire a matchbook Pl. What's wrong? Did I say something wrong? I don't know. It just didn't sound too good. I would prefer "private investigator. " Well, I guess I've hired myself a private investigator. A professionaI baseball player always remembers his first major league base hit. A violinist, the first time he steps out on the boards at Carnegie Hall and a surgeon the first time he takes out tonsils by himself. And, of course, I remember my first gainfuI employment as a private investigator. The only thing for sure about it was the free room and board. Here it is. All the comforts of home, right? Better. I've been sleeping in my office. Just ask Felix. Yeah, I did. Boy, that's a shame. Hmm. Oh, yeah. The supermarket? Mmm-mmm. Kam Highway. Some jokers in a Camaro last night tried to run me off the highway. That's why you're here. You got a license number? Partial. But I have a good memory. Come on, let's get you set up. Kind of drafty in here, but the nights are warm and balmy so you shouldn't have any problem. Karen was right about the nights being warm and balmy. After that, things got much more complicated. And now, five years later, the only thing for sure that was still the same was the free room and board. Hi. Hi. How are you? Fine. Good. You look good. So do you. Well, thanks. I've got dinner going inside. I still make a great ratatouille. Great. Come on in and meet Sandy. She's dying to meet you. How old is she? Four-and-a-half. She's a Pisces. Come on. What happened to your thumb? Industrial accident. Here he is. Uncle Thomas. Hi, Sandy. How're you doing? Hi. She never acts like this. Guess it's just the effect you have on all the Teel women. And this is my friend, Leah. Leah, this is Thomas Magnum. Hi. Hello. I'm sorry, but from what Karen had said I thought you would be about seven-feet tall and come riding up here in a big, white horse. Well, I think maybe I shrunk, but my horse is outside. Really? A horse? No, sweetheart. Uncle Thomas was only kidding. Come on. He does things like that. There. Leah is a protégée of mine. She's going to be the next Karen Teel. Next year. Maybe two. Thanks. Come on, let's get you set up in the trailer. Okay. Sandy, say goodbye to Uncle Thomas. Bye. Bye. She's very pretty. Who, Leah? Well, her, too, but I was talking about my niece. She looks more like her father than me, I think. Good old Walt. Thanks for staying. Well, you're paying me good money. That's right. Twenty percent and free room and board. Free room and board. So, do you believe in déjà vu? Oh, I don't know. Think Walt's on the island yet? I don't know. That's what I'm afraid of. A friend of mine saw him in Sydney. Said that he was on his way. Says he'll try and get Sandy anyway he can. Well, I'll find him. That's what I'm here for. Yeah. So, how's the comeback going? I'm in the best shape of my life. Doesn't it look like it? I mean, considering my age, of course. No. Two more weeks of training though and I'm going to win this thing. Well, I hope so, for the sake of my salary. No, listen, you've been away from this for a long time. I think it'd be great if you just made it to the finals. Same old Thomas Magnum, less is more. Mommy! Help! Karen! Karen! You all right? Oh, no! So you think those guys were friends of Walt's. I guess. Surf bums, just like him. I could've chosen a little better, I guess. But I was on the rebound, as you recall. Sorry. See, Walt left me three months before I had Sandy. Said he couldn't handle it. The only thing that jerk could handle was big waves. Baja, Australia, South Africa. Me, I had Sandy. I kind of retired. Except for '81 when I didn't even make it to the semis. Remember? Yeah, I saw it in the papers. I called. I know. Sorry, I didn't get back to you for three years. Anyway, now he's decided he wants his kid. He says that he's ready for fatherhood, that he's got his act together. I mean, it's like he threatens me from another continent. Says that I'm not a good enough mother for his little girl. He's not even seen her. But I have a restraining order. And you. You know, Karen, Walt is not going to go away when this meet's over. What are you gonna do then? I don't know, Thomas. I don't know. This is my home. You're not permanent protection, are you? I didn't think so. You're a professional. I'll just have to be professional, too. Okay? Okay. Look, I wanna rundown these guys. I think they've got a head start on you. Good luck. It's going to be tough. It's going to be worse than tough, sweetheart. It's impossible. You see, the one trick in staying alive in this crazy, ***-eyed world is to know when you're licked. Rick. Is to know when to pick your marbles up- Will you cut it out? You sound like the marbles are in your mouth. All I'm asking for is a little favor. Everybody wants a favor, sweetheart. You see, I'm just a Joe who manages a gin joint. Who drives all the way to the North Shore after work because my buddy tells me that he needs my help. When I get here, I find out that all he wants me to do is is, is is run down a license plate number! Thomas, what do you think I am, the DMV or something? I've never done this before! What could be so hard? You got connections. Three letters and one number? It's not even complete! Yes, but that's a good start. I mean, in the combinations of the last two numbers could be Hundreds of cars. Dozens. What's the difference? How am I supposed to know which one's the right one? Well, you know, Rick, how you're always saying you know people. So what? Everybody knows somebody. I mean, know people. Like that guy, Ice Cube, you're always talking about. That's Ice Pick. Whatever. Doesn't matter. Listen, Rick, I think it's okay to have idols. I mean, I grew up wanting to hit like Hank Greenberg. So, there's no reason you shouldn't want to grow up to be Humphrey Bogart. But I think you should know that unless you want the entire city of Honolulu to know your real name, you are going to- What did you say that number was, sweetheart? I guess that was the first time I ever asked Rick to run down a plate. And, of course, it wasn't going to be the last. But even though Rick almost always came through, I knew I couldn't wait for him. So I left Karen and Sandy at Chun's Reef where she usually practiced with Leah and her friends. Hopefully, safety in numbers. Meanwhile, I thought I'd cruise the North shore for the guys in that dune buggy. But then I was suddenly reminded there was more to that buggy than just a license plate. Hey, I want to talk to you about that surfboard. Where's Walt? I don't know what you're talking about, man. I don't know any Walt. Walt. I'm telling you, you got the wrong guy. I got the right board. Are you crazy? That ain't my board. The hell it isn't. I saw it sticking out of the back of your dune buggy Why'd you run? Because it's not my board. I found it up on the beach at Pipeline. Hey, if you want it so bad, you can keep it. Hey, look, I'm sorry. Forget it. How many other guys you're gonna push around today? * Good lovin', Good lovin' * * Good lovin' * * I was feeling so bad * * I asked my family doctor just what I had * * I said, Doctor, Mr. MD, Doctor * * Tell me, what's ailing me * * He said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah" * * Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah * * What I really need * * Good lovin' * * Good lovin' * * Good lovin' * * Good lovin' ** Why don't we go some Some place where there's more room? No, this is fine. Yeah, if you like being an acrobat. Come on. Come on. Come on. What's the matter? Nothing. Why, certainly not you. Oh, it's me. I just I'm having a hard time remembering I'm working for you. I don't know. Maybe we ought to slow down just a little bit. I'm just being real unprofessional. Well, I think it's okay if you just don't make it a habit with all your clients. Yeah, but you're the only one I got. Besides when it's right, it's right. See, I don't think you can lay abstract words like "ethics" and "ideals" on your feelings. Sometimes, they just don't apply. Like now. By this time, Goldilocks was reaI hungry, so she tries the first bowI of porridge and it's too hot. Then she tries the second bowl of porridge and it's too cold. Get to the bears. Okay. Real soon. But see, right now, from all this eating Goldilocks is real tired. So, she goes upstairs to take a nap. And there's three beds there. And she tries the first bed and it's too hard. I know. Too hard, too soft, and just right. And you forgot about the chairs. Right. But see, now, here come the bears. See, they troop into the kitchen to eat their porridge and the papa bear looks at his porridge and he says "Someone's been eating my porridge. " The mama bear looks at her porridge and she says "Someone's been eating my porridge. " And the baby bear, he looks at his porridge and he says "Someone's been eating my porridge and they ate it all up. " Well, they didn't know what to do, so they decided to go upstairs and catch some z's. So, the papa bear goes up and he looks at his bed and he says "Someone's been sleeping in my bed. " The mama bear says, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed. " And the baby bear says, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed "and here she is. " So, Goldilocks, she wakes up and she is so scared that she jumps out the window and she lands on a trampoline and shoots her way up to the moon and she meets this guy who's made of green cheese To yesterday. Hello? Yeah, he's here. Yeah, just a minute. It's for you. Some guy with a speech impediment. He keeps calling me "Shweetheart. " Yeah, Rick? Oh, yeah. Karen? Yeah? Okay. All right. Thanks, Rick. I owe you one. Okay, I owe you two. Thanks. Listen. I found out about that Camaro that tried to run you off the road. It's registered to a guy named Joe Soames. Well, that fits. He's a surfing promoter. He has a ranch on the other side of the Island near Kaneohe. They say that he promotes more than just homegrown surfers. More like homegrown-homegrown. Be careful. Karen, about- Please. You're not going to say about last night, were you? Think I was. Well, what about it? I just I wasn't being totally honest with you last night. I wasn't really talking about professional ethics. Well, I was, but there's more to it than that. I guess you've got a girl. I should've known. It's just that it felt so right. I don't know. Maybe it is. I was married, Karen. In Vietnam. And my wife died the day we evacuated. She was killed. You can't let go? It's hard. Well maybe we can take it slow. Okay? Hello? Yeah, Rick. Okay, fine. All right. Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay. Hey, that is great. What do you mean there's a little scratch on the Ferrari? Higgins is gonna kill me- Rick! Is that the guy you used to know? The one with the speech impediment and the connections? Yeah, he got an ID on that dune buggy. I'm gonna go check it out. What about Walt? Well, I'm hoping those bozos can tell me where he is. I think we can work something out. Well, they were kind of rough, don't you think? Are you sure- Karen, that's what you hired me to do. Isn't it? Yeah. No, it is. Are you going surfing today? What do you think? Look, stay close to Leah and your friends, okay? I'll have something this afternoon. Thomas, are you Oh-oh. Someone's up. Hey, what about Goldilocks? You never finished the rest of the story.  Goldilocks and the Three Bears wasn't the only story that was left unfinished in Karen's cabin. And what was nagging about it was that I hadn't the slightest idea how either of them wrapped up. At least, though there's always some comfort to be derived from the stories that had been wrapped up because even though many, many things have changed others have remained the same and probably always will. It's these little constants in life that are comforting. No way! Thomas Magnum, you can forget it. T. C. , it is right near Kaneohe. That's not far. So drive. Well, I can't. The place is kind of up in the hills and I'm down to three cylinders on the Bug and And no way. T. C. , why are you being so negative? I'm asking for your help for a good cause. Yeah, your case. My first case! Well, I'm sorry. Excuse me. Thomas, maybe the reason I'm being so negative is I don't own this chopper that you're asking me to fly into God-knows-what. Well, we'll be back in an hour, T. C. I mean they'll never miss it. Besides, my client is in big trouble. Well, then, she never should have hired you. Look, Thomas, I'm working two shifts to save up enough money to open my own business and you're asking me to jeopardize it. Why? Why? Give me one good reason why I should do this. Dang Loc. And the lizard lady. Why don't we just call the police? Because I don't have any evidence that Joe Soames is the guy that ran Karen off the road. They're not going to arrest him on a license plate from Rick. Then what do you plan on doing to him, if I may ask? I'm simply going to persuade him to leave Karen alone and let her compete. Just a little old-fashioned country hardball. Man, those guys grow dope down there and you're going to play country hardball? All the more reason to go after them. Here it is. Set her down in that clearing. Yes, sir. I am going to go inside talk to Soames, and I'll be right out. Everything will be okay. Everything won't be okay. What? Good luck! Thanks. It was going to be quite a while into my career before I gave any thought to writing a book on how to be a world-class private investigator. But when I did I would definitely include a chapter on rookie mistakes. Because in retrospect calling the police in first would've been a whole lot simpler and safer. Hey. Joe Soames. You've got till three to get in that chopper and get the hell out of here. I want to talk to you about Karen Teel. One. Okay, if that's the way you want to play it I guess I'll have to talk to the police. Starting with attempted ***. Two. lllegal cultivation of a controlled substance. Three. Get down here, we've got a problem. I wish you hadn't done that. Tell them to ease off. Ease off. Come here. Now, you stay away from Karen Teel or you're history. You got that? Come on, T. C. , let'*** it. I ought to let them shoot you. T. C. Don't worry, we're way out of range. I'll take care of that. With what? Oh, I'm fired. T. C. Goodbye business of my own. Goodbye life. T. C. I promise. I promise I'll make it up to you. And I also promise this will never, never happen again. So much for promises made in the heat of the moment. However, at the time, I did mean it. Just like I told Sandy I'd finish The Three Bears and just like I told Karen I'd find Walt. Well, I did. He was still in Sydney, happily raising a family of three and more. Karen didn't have any restraining order. Just me. And all I had was the make on the dune buggy that the guys had used in the kidnap attempt on Sandy. And still a lot of little nagging questions. Questions which I was about to get the answers to. Unfortunately, the answers weren't what I wanted to hear. After seeing Karen with Joe Soames the first thing I wanted to do was pack my bags and go home. Karen had once asked me if I believed in déjà vu. I guess the answer was yes. Hi, can I come in? Listen, I thought I'd just take this over to the jeweler and have your name put on it, too figuring that it was half yours, anyway. What are you doing? Where the hell are you going? I was just gonna come over and talk to you. Oh, that's decent of you considering Why? Because it's not gonna work. Gee, I thought it was. Guess I was wrong. No, you weren't. I thought so, too. I get it. Hey, listen, I'm gonna grow old. I promise. I won't be surfing competitively forever. I mean, that day will come. I mean, I didn't want to admit it yet, but I will for you. Hey, I'll be your secretary, you know, like that blonde lady in the Maltese Falcon. You know, devoted. Please, Thomas. I'll be around. So will I, Karen. But so will Michelle. Michelle, Michelle. Okay, okay, I I won't say that it's been a long time. I won't. I promise. Look, I tried, Karen. I really I wanted this to work. I think it's more than just Michelle. Well, you get around, I gotta say. Look, I know I'm not doing this too well. That's true. I can't even make sense of this for myself. I'm just trying to tell you how I feel. Sorry. Tell me how you feel. Look, all I'm saying is without this clientI private investigator thing, where would we be? I mean, what if we met in a line at a supermarket? Something tells me I'm not gonna find out. Karen, you know, all through this case I've had a pretty good run of beginner's luck. But I just feel like some kind of fairy tale hero and now- And now you're ready for the next bedtime story, right? Well, do me a favor. Next time try something a little more innocuous like Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Save the heavy stuff for someone who can deal with it. I can't. Here, take it. Remember me. Thomas! Thomas, wait, please. Why, Karen? Please listen to me. 'Cause I think I owe you. Forget it, all bets are off. We both got lives to go back to. Yeah, well, I don't. And I haven't for five years. I need for you to listen to me, please. 'Cause you owe me, too. I owe you? For you lying to me? For you using me? I just want you to understand. I need for you to understand how I feel. All right. Tell me how you feel. Not great! But I wanna tell you the truth. See, when you left to pursue your career, I immediately hooked up with Walt. Well, not immediately, but soon. Too soon. He left me with Sandy and a former career as a world surfing champ. So between the baby and waitressing at The Curl I was effectively through. But you know me. Can't keep me down. So in '81 when Sandy was old enough for people to take care of her I decided to go for it. To make a comeback. And so did Joe Soames. He served 16 months. I know that! Yeah, but what you don't know is that when he came back he started back the same way, promoting talent. Of course this time he cut out the pakalolo. Of course this time you gave in. Yeah. It was like one of those old prize fight movies. You know, Sandy and I were starving and I didn't know if I could cut it. But Joe did, he knew. Only he didn't wanna chance it. So he paid me to take a dive. Literally. That's why I didn't make it to the semis. So now you feel like you're running out of time and you can't live with that. And you decide you want one more moment of glory and to hell with Joe Soames and to hell with the truth. And you know just the right person to call. Well, I'm sorry, Karen. I am, too. I really am. See, I thought if maybe I could stack the deck that I could have my surfing career and maybe you'd stick around this time. I'm sorry I hurt you, Thomas. I'm sorry it didn't work out. Me, too. You know, it's funny, I can remember five years ago like it was yesterday. And I can remember what you said. That you can't lay abstract words like "ethics" and "ideals" on your feelings 'cause they don't apply. Well I believe you can. And I believe you should. Goodbye, Karen. I believe I did. I was in the bar telling Joe Soames I quit. I quit, Thomas. I quit. Goodbye, Thomas. I see you were unable to return the trophy to the beauty contestants. Turned their fingers green, did it? Higgins. "The 1979 North Shore Surf-Out. " Give it to me. Something to do with your case? I remember a similar competition I was a part of. Off the Moroccan coast. '44, it was. Of course, there was a war on and we didn't actually have surfboards as you know them. More like the wing assemblies of a couple of Messerschmidts our lads had managed to shoot down. You surfed on airplane wings? Mmm. Quite exhilarating when you got the hang of it. I'd organized the competition to boost the unit's morale bogged down in Rabat for six months as we were. At any rate, I was unable to win the trophy finishing sixth, I believe, behind Corky Bostwick, Binky Farnbush- You surfed on airplane wings. I just said that, didn't I? At any rate, even though I was unable to win anything I think that competition was possibly one of the most memorable moments of my life. Why? Because for the first time in my life I was able to tempt death without actually killing in the process. Just the feeling of being inside such power and strength and controlling it was indescribable. I believe that just the opportunity to test the Fates in such a manner gives one the ability to put one's whole life into perspective. For the better one feels about one's self the better the rest of the world looks, indeed. Wouldn't you agree, Magnum? There's one thing I gotta know. Was that story the truth? Did you really surf on airplane wings? Don't be absurd, Magnum. Who would be insane enough to do something as bizarre as that? My God, man, there was a war going on. I thought so. But thanks anyway. It was very helpful. I beg your pardon? Where are you going now? To test the Fates. Hiya, Joe. Magnum. You want me to count to three again, huh? Only this time, it won't add up to 16 months. I'm looking for Karen Teel. You're too late. She quit the competition. One. She just re-entered. Dumb. Very dumb of her. Two. Three. Hold it. He's mine. Maybe the years did creep by without me really missing them untiI somehow I got lucky and got an opportunity to look in the mirror and see where they'd gone. I know they did for Karen. And I know that having had the chance to see her once again made me realize that yesterday was just a blink of an eyelid away from being tomorrow. Maybe Thomas Wolfe was right. Maybe you can't go home again. But it sure as hell was worth the try.