William Tell Told Again - 1 of 2 - Audiobook

William Tell Told Again by P. G. Wodehouse CHAPTER I Once upon a time, more years ago than anybody can remember, before the first hotel had been built or the first Englishman had taken a photograph of Mont Blanc and brought it home to be pasted in an album and shown after tea to his envious friends, Switzerland belonged to the Emperor of Austria, to do what he liked with. One of the first things the Emperor did was to send his friend Hermann Gessler to govern the country. Gessler was not a nice man, and it soon became plain that he would never make himself really popular with the Swiss. The point on which they disagreed in particular was the question of taxes. The Swiss, who were a simple and thrifty people, objected to paying taxes of any sort. They said they wanted to spend their money on all kinds of other things. Gessler, on the other hand, wished to put a tax on everything, and, being Governor, he did it. He made everyone who owned a flock of sheep pay a certain sum of money to him; and if the farmer sold his sheep and bought cows, he had to pay rather more money to Gessler for the cows than he had paid for the sheep. Gessler also taxed bread, and biscuits, and jam, and buns, and lemonade, and, in fact, everything he could think of, till the people of Switzerland determined to complain. They appointed Walter Fürst, who had red hair and looked fierce; Werner Stauffacher, who had gray hair and was always wondering how he ought to pronounce his name; and Arnold of Melchthal, who had light-yellow hair and was supposed to know a great deal about the law, to make the complaint. They called on the Governor one lovely morning in April, and were shown into the Hall of Audience. "Well," said Gessler, "and what's the matter now?" The other two pushed Walter Fürst forward because he looked fierce, and they thought he might frighten the Governor. Walter Fürst coughed. "Well?" asked Gessler. "Er—ahem!" said Walter Fürst. "That's the way," whispered Werner; "_give_ it him!" "Er—ahem!" said Walter Fürst again; "the fact is, your Governorship—" "It's a small point," interrupted Gessler, "but I'm generally called 'your Excellency.' Yes?" "The fact is, your Excellency, it seems to the people of Switzerland—" "—Whom I represent," whispered Arnold of Melchthal. "—Whom I represent, that things want changing." "What things?" inquired Gessler. "The taxes, your excellent Governorship." "Change the taxes? Why, don't the people of Switzerland think there are enough taxes?" Arnold of Melchthal broke in hastily. "They think there are many too many," he said. "What with the tax on sheep, and the tax on cows, and the tax on bread, and the tax on tea, and the tax—" "I know, _I_ know," Gessler interrupted; "I know all the taxes. Come to the point. What about 'em?" "Well, your Excellency, there are too many of them." "Too many!" "Yes. And we are not going to put up with it any longer!" shouted Arnold of Melchthal. Gessler leaned forward in his throne. "Might I ask you to repeat that remark?" he said. "We are not going to put up with it any longer!" Gessler sat back again with an ugly smile. "Oh," he said—"oh, indeed! You aren't, aren't you! Desire the Lord High Executioner to step this way," he added to a soldier who stood beside him. The Lord High Executioner entered the presence. He was a kind-looking old gentleman with white hair, and he wore a beautiful black robe, tastefully decorated with death's-heads. "Your Excellency sent for me?" he said. "Just so," replied Gessler. "This gentleman here"—he pointed to Arnold of Melchthal—"says he does not like taxes, and that he isn't going to put up with them any longer." "Tut-tut!" murmured the executioner. "See what you can do for him." "Certainly, your Excellency. Robert," he cried, "is the oil on the boil?" "Just this minute boiled over," replied a voice from the other side of the door. "Then bring it in, and mind you don't spill any." Enter Robert, in a suit of armour and a black mask, carrying a large caldron, from which the steam rose in great clouds. "Now, sir, if you please," said the executioner politely to Arnold of Melchthal. Arnold looked at the caldron. "Why, it's hot," he said. "Warmish," admitted the executioner. "It's against the law to threaten a man with hot oil." [Illustration: PLATE I] "You may bring an action against me," said the executioner. "Now, sir, if _you_ please. We are wasting time. The forefinger of your left hand, if I may trouble you. Thank you. I am obliged." He took Arnold's left hand, and dipped the tip of the first finger into the oil. "Ow!" cried Arnold, jumping. "Don't let him see he's hurting you," whispered Werner Stauffacher. "Pretend you don't notice it." Gessler leaned forward again. "Have your views on taxes changed at all?" he asked. "Do you see my point of view more clearly now?" Arnold admitted that he thought that, after all, there might be something to be said for it. "That's right," said the Governor. "And the tax on sheep? You don't object to that?" "No." "And the tax on cows?" "I like it." "And those on bread, and buns, and lemonade?" "I enjoy them." "Excellent. In fact, you're quite contented?" "Quite." "And you think the rest of the people are?" "Oh, quite, quite!" "And do you think the same?" he asked of Walter and Werner. "Oh _yes_, your Excellency!" they cried. "Then _that's_ all right," said Gessler. "I was sure you would be sensible about it. Now, if you will kindly place in the tambourine which the gentleman on my left is presenting to you a mere trifle to compensate us for our trouble in giving you an audience, and if you" (to Arnold of Melchthal) "will contribute an additional trifle for use of the Imperial boiling oil, I think we shall all be satisfied. You've done it? _That's_ right. Good-bye, and mind the step as you go out." And, as he finished this speech, the three spokesmen of the people of Switzerland were shown out of the Hall of Audience. End of Chapter I CHAPTER II They were met in the street outside by a large body of their fellow-citizens, who had accompanied them to the Palace, and who had been spending the time since their departure in listening by turns at the keyhole of the front-door. But as the Hall of Audience was at the other side of the Palace, and cut off from the front-door by two other doors, a flight of stairs, and a long passage, they had not heard very much of what had gone on inside, and they surrounded the three spokesmen as they came out, and questioned them eagerly. "Has he taken off the tax on jam?" asked Ulric the smith. "What is he going to do about the tax on mixed biscuits?" shouted Klaus von der Flue, who was a chimney-sweep of the town and loved mixed biscuits. "Never mind about tea and mixed biscuits!" cried his neighbour, Meier of Sarnen. "What I want to know is whether we shall have to pay for keeping sheep any more." "What _did_ the Governor say?" asked Jost Weiler, a practical man, who liked to go straight to the point. The three spokesmen looked at one another a little doubtfully. "We-e-ll," said Werner Stauffacher at last, "as a matter of fact, he didn't actually _say_ very much. It was more what he _did_, if you understand me, than what he said." "I should describe His Excellency the Governor," said Walter Fürst, "as a man who has got a way with him—a man who has got all sorts of arguments at his finger-tips." At the mention of finger-tips, Arnold of Melchthal uttered a sharp howl. "In short," continued Walter, "after a few minutes' very interesting conversation he made us see that it really wouldn't do, and that we must go on paying the taxes as before." There was a dead silence for several minutes, while everybody looked at everybody else in dismay. The silence was broken by Arnold of Sewa. Arnold of Sewa had been disappointed at not being chosen as one of the three spokesmen, and he thought that if he had been so chosen all this trouble would not have occurred. "The fact is," he said bitterly, "that you three have failed to do what you were sent to do. I mention no names—far from it—but I don't mind saying that there are some people in this town who would have given a better account of themselves. What you want in little matters of this sort is, if I may say so, tact. Tact; that's what you want. Of course, if you _will_ go rushing into the Governor's presence—" "But we didn't rush," said Walter Fürst. "—Shouting out that you want the taxes abolished—" "But we didn't shout," said Walter Fürst. "I really cannot speak if I am to be constantly interrupted," said Arnold of Sewa severely. "What I say is, that you ought to employ tact. Tact; that's what you want. If I had been chosen to represent the Swiss people in this affair—I am not saying I ought to have been, mind you; I merely say _if_ I had been—I should have acted rather after the following fashion: Walking firmly, but not defiantly, into the tyrant's presence, I should have broken the ice with some pleasant remark about the weather. The conversation once started, the rest would have been easy. I should have said that I hoped His Excellency had enjoyed a good dinner. Once on the subject of food, and it would have been the simplest of tasks to show him how unnecessary taxes on food were, and the whole affair would have been pleasantly settled while you waited. I do not imply that the Swiss people would have done better to have chosen me as their representative. I merely say that that is how I should have acted had they done so." And Arnold of Sewa twirled his moustache and looked offended. His friends instantly suggested that he should be allowed to try where the other three had failed, and the rest of the crowd, beginning to hope once more, took up the cry. The result was that the visitors' bell of the Palace was rung for the second time. Arnold of Sewa went in, and the door was banged behind him. Five minutes later he came out, sucking the first finger of his left hand. "No," he said; "it can't be done. The tyrant has convinced me." "I knew he would," said Arnold of Melchthal. "Then I think you might have warned me," snapped Arnold of Sewa, dancing with the pain of his burnt finger. "Was it hot?" "Boiling." "Ah!" "Then he really won't let us off the taxes?" asked the crowd in disappointed voices. "No." "Then the long and short of it is," said Walter Fürst, drawing a deep breath, "that we must rebel!" "Rebel?" cried everybody. "Rebel!" repeated Walter firmly. "We will!" cried everybody. "Down with the tyrant!" shouted Walter Fürst. "Down with the taxes!" shrieked the crowd. A scene of great enthusiasm followed. The last words were spoken by Werner Stauffacher. "We want a leader," he said. "I don't wish to thrust myself forward," began Arnold of Sewa, "but I must say, if it comes to leading—" "And I know the very man for the job," said Werner Stauffacher. "William Tell!" "Hurrah for William Tell!" roared the crowd, and, taking the time from Werner Stauffacher, they burst into the grand old Swiss chant which runs as follows: "For he's a jolly good fellow! For he's a jolly good fellow!! For he's a jolly good fe-e-ll-ow!!!! And so say all of us!" And having sung this till they were all quite hoarse, they went off to their beds to get a few hours' sleep before beginning the labours of the day. End of Chapter II CHAPTER III In a picturesque little châlet high up in the mountains, covered with snow and edelweiss (which is a flower that grows in the Alps, and you are not allowed to pick it), dwelt William Tell, his wife Hedwig, and his two sons, Walter and William. Such a remarkable man was Tell that I think I must devote a whole chapter to him and his exploits. There was really nothing he could not do. He was the best shot with the cross-bow in the whole of Switzerland. He had the courage of a lion, the sure-footedness of a wild goat, the agility of a squirrel, and a beautiful beard. If you wanted someone to hurry across desolate ice-fields, and leap from crag to crag after a chamois, Tell was the man for your money. If you wanted a man to say rude things to the Governor, it was to Tell that you applied first. Once when he was hunting in the wild ravine of Schächenthal, where men were hardly ever to be seen, he met the Governor face to face. There was no way of getting past. On one side the rocky wall rose sheer up, while below the river roared. Directly Gessler caught sight of Tell striding along with his cross-bow, his cheeks grew pale and his knees tottered, and he sat down on a rock feeling very unwell indeed. "Aha!" said Tell. "Oho! so it's you, is it? _I_ know you. And a nice sort of person you are, with your taxes on bread and sheep, aren't you! You'll come to a bad end one of these days, that's what will happen to you. Oh, you old reprobate! Pooh!" And he had passed on with a look of scorn, leaving Gessler to think over what he had said. And Gessler ever since had had a grudge against him, and was only waiting for a chance of paying him out. "Mark my words," said Tell's wife, Hedwig, when her husband told her about it after supper that night—"mark my words, he will never forgive you." "I will avoid him," said Tell. "He will not seek me." "Well, mind you do," was Hedwig's reply. On another occasion, when the Governor's soldiers were chasing a friend of his, called Baumgarten, and when Baumgarten's only chance of escape was to cross the lake during a fierce storm, and when the ferryman, sensibly remarking, "What! must I rush into the jaws of death? No man that hath his senses would do that!" refused to take out his boat even for twice his proper fare, and when the soldiers rode down to seize their prey with dreadful shouts, Tell jumped into the boat, and, rowing with all his might, brought his friend safe across after a choppy passage. Which made Gessler the Governor still more angry with him. But it was as a marksman that Tell was so extraordinary. There was nobody in the whole of the land who was half so skilful. He attended every meeting for miles around where there was a shooting competition, and every time he won first prize. Even his rivals could not help praising his skill. "Behold!" they would say, "Tell is quite the pot-hunter," meaning by the last word a man who always went in for every prize, and always won it. And Tell would say, "Yes, truly am I a pot-hunter, for I hunt to fill the family pot." And so he did. He never came home empty-handed from the chase. Sometimes it was a chamois that he brought back, and then the family had it roasted on the first day, cold on the next four, and minced on the sixth, with sippets of toast round the edge of the dish. Sometimes it was only a bird (as on the cover of this book), and then Hedwig would say, "Mark my words, this fowl will not go round." But it always did, and it never happened that there was not even a fowl to eat. [Illustration: Frontispiece] In fact, Tell and his family lived a very happy, contented life, in spite of the Governor Gessler and his taxes. Tell was very patriotic. He always believed that some day the Swiss would rise and rebel against the tyranny of the Governor, and he used to drill his two children so as to keep them always in a state of preparation. They would march about, beating tin cans and shouting, and altogether enjoying themselves immensely, though Hedwig, who did not like noise, and wanted Walter and William to help her with the housework, made frequent complaints. "Mark my words," she would say, "this growing spirit of militarism in the young and foolish will lead to no good," meaning that boys who played at soldiers instead of helping their mother to dust the chairs and scrub the kitchen floor would in all probability come to a bad end. But Tell would say, "Who hopes to fight his way through life must be prepared to wield arms. Carry on, my boys!" And they carried on. It was to this man that the Swiss people had determined to come for help. [Illustration: PLATE II] End of Chapter III CHAPTER IV Talking matters over in the inn of the town, the Glass and Glacier, the citizens came to the conclusion that they ought to appoint three spokesmen to go and explain to Tell just what they wanted him to do. "I don't wish to seem to boast at all," said Arnold of Sewa, "but I think I had better be one of the three." "I was thinking," said Werner Stauffacher, "that it would be a pity always to be chopping and changing. Why not choose the same three as were sent to Gessler?" "I don't desire to be unpleasant at all," replied Arnold of Sewa, "but I must be forgiven for reminding the honourable gentleman who has just spoken that he and his equally honourable friends did not meet with the best of success when they called upon the Governor." "Well, and you didn't either!" snapped Arnold of Melchthal, whose finger still hurt him, and made him a little bad-tempered. "That," said Arnold of Sewa, "I put down entirely to the fact that you and your friends, by not exercising tact, irritated the Governor, and made him unwilling to listen to anybody else. Nothing is more important in these affairs than tact. That's what you want—tact. But have it your own way. Don't mind _me!_" And the citizens did not. They chose Werner Stauffacher, Arnold of Melchthal, and Walter Fürst, and, having drained their glasses, the three trudged up the steep hill which led to Tell's house. It had been agreed that everyone should wait at the Glass and Glacier until the three spokesmen returned, in order that they might hear the result of their mission. Everybody was very anxious. A revolution without Tell would be quite impossible, and it was not unlikely that Tell might refuse to be their leader. The worst of a revolution is that, if it fails, the leader is always executed as an example to the rest. And many people object to being executed, however much it may set a good example to their friends. On the other hand, Tell was a brave man and a patriot, and might be only too eager to try to throw off the tyrant's yoke, whatever the risk. They had waited about an hour, when they saw the three spokesmen coming down the hill. Tell was not with them, a fact which made the citizens suspect that he had refused their offer. The first thing a man does when he has accepted the leadership of a revolution is to come and plot with his companions. "Well?" said everybody eagerly, as the three arrived. Werner Stauffacher shook his head. "Ah," said Arnold of Sewa, "I see what it is. He has refused. You didn't exercise tact, and he refused." "We _did_ exercise tact," said Stauffacher indignantly; "but he would not be persuaded. It was like this: We went to the house and knocked at the door. Tell opened it. 'Good-morning,' I said. "'Good-morning,' said he. 'Take a seat.' "I took a seat. "'My heart is full,' I said, 'and longs to speak with you.' I thought that a neat way of putting it." The company murmured approval. "'A heavy heart,' said Tell, 'will not grow light with words.'" "Not bad that!" murmured Jost Weiler. "Clever way of putting things, Tell has got." "'Yet words,' I said, 'might lead us on to deeds.'" "Neat," said Jost Weiler—"very neat. Yes?" "To which Tell's extraordinary reply was: 'The only thing to do is to sit still.' "'What!' I said; 'bear in silence things unbearable?' "'Yes,' said Tell; 'to peaceable men peace is gladly granted. When the Governor finds that his oppression does not make us revolt, he will grow tired of oppressing.'" "And what did you say to that?" asked Ulric the smith. "I said he did not know the Governor if he thought he could ever grow tired of oppressing. 'We might do much,' I said, 'if we held fast together. Union is strength,' I said. "'The strong,' said Tell, 'is strongest when he stands alone.' "'Then our country must not count on thee,' I said, 'when in despair she stands on self-defence?' "'Oh, well,' he said, 'hardly that, perhaps. I don't want to desert you. What I mean to say is, I'm no use as a plotter or a counsellor and that sort of thing. Where I come out strong is in deeds. So don't invite me to your meetings and make me speak, and that sort of thing; but if you want a man to _do_ anything—why, that's where I shall come in, you see. Just write if you want me—a postcard will do—and you will not find William Tell hanging back. No, sir.' And with those words he showed us out." "Well," said Jost Weiler, "I call that encouraging. All we have to do now is to plot. Let us plot." "Yes, let's!" shouted everybody. Ulric the smith rapped for silence on the table. "Gentlemen," he said, "our friend Mr. Klaus von der Flue will now read a paper on 'Governors—their drawbacks, and how to get rid of them.' Silence, gentlemen, please. Now, then, Klaus, old fellow, speak up and get it over." And the citizens settled down without further delay to a little serious plotting. End of Chapter IV �