The Ricky Gervais Show S1E10 - English Transcript

For the past few years Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington Have been meeting regularly For a series of pointless conversations. This is one of them. - Testing. - Is that all right? Hello and welcome to "the Ricky Gervais show" With me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant Hello. -And the little round-headed buffoon That is Karl Pilkington. Hi. Of course, as ever, lots of questions for Karl as well, Just to sort of try and tap into his brain-- See what's going on there. Question from Jade: "Karl, what would you change If you were in charge of what kids are taught in school?" Right, you know? 'cause, I mean, your school experience Was a bit iffy. You got very bored, didn't you? You got very disillusioned by school? Yeah. What I'd do, right, Is instead of keep- sort of teaching kids About 2 and 2, and that-- which is 4, right? - Well done. - Show off. Um, I think they should be asked more questions That make them think, rather than something that has just got an answer. I totally agree. I totally agree. - Right? - Yeah yeah yeah. - So, like-- - to teach- - The quest for knowledge Inflaming their imaginations. Just freakin' 'em out a bit as well. See, I knew that's where he was going. 'cause as soon as you started talking, Rick, I was thinking you're thinking some of the big existential Or philosophical questions- "what does it mean to be human? What does it mean to interact with other people? Exactly. Or teaching them sort of like philosophy on a basic level-- Teach them the love for learning-- Get them back to roots level So they want to learn and then they will learn, As opposed to just teaching them facts. Whereas -He was thinking, "freak 'em out a bit. " - Yeah. - No, just like-- Like I read the other day someone sent in on email How there's a dishwasher that's been found on mars. - Rubbish. - Whoa! - That's not true. - So tell them that. But it's not true! - "go home and write about it. How did that happen?" - But it didn't happen! - Well, it did happen. - It was in a science magazine. - No, it didn't happen. There was not a dishwasher on mars. - Why not? - Because-- - What do you mean? - How did it get there? But we're always sending rubbish out there. - It's like-- - Not dishwashers! What, you think the council will take it away and go, "where can we put it?" "well, the tip's full. Where--" "where's the nearest thing we can dump this?" "mars, I imagine. " No, but the same way that fella who-- I don't know-- Was it two Christmases ago when he was messing about Saying, "I can get stuff to mars, " and all that? Um, he did it wrong 'cause he did it on boxing day. And I just think nobody's concentrating. No one wants to work on that day. Do you know what I mean? They're gonna do stuff sort of half-assed on boxing day. So it didn't really get there, I don't think, But it crash-landed. What are you talking about? What was he trying to do? He was sending something up to mars. - Who was? - That little fellow That wanted to get somethin' on mars-- - A probe, you mean? - --And it didn't open properly. It got there, didn't it? The thing is it got there. It didn't open properly. No one's been back to pick it up. What I'm saying is we're saying about going to mars as our next planet. It's a tip. There's loads of stuff that's been floated up there. - No. No, it's not. - What are you talking about? 'cause it's all-- that probe thing is still there rottin' away. Yeah. So, ipso facto, there is a dishwasher on mars. We've settled that. Why would they have a dishwasher on mars? Would they take a dishwasher up on the space shuttle In case they had dinner parties? What are you talking about? I just think they would have a little dishwasher in there. There's a lot of them- tight space. You don't want- "who's going to do that?" That means-- - do you know how much fuel it takes - To move a kilogram - Yeah. Out of the earth's atmosphere? So they're gonna take up a dishwasher, are they? Sorry, but what are they cooking up there, Karl? How many people does it take to fly a rocket? I-- How many people? Tell me how many people. It's either one monkey With a banana chute that feeds it, Or probably two or three humans. Right. Say three humans. There's three humans because they need one to steer it-- One to stop at the petrol station to get more-- What I'm saying is, if you're gonna start having a sink, - Then whoever's washing-- - They haven't got a sink. I know, 'cause they've got a dishwasher. Ha ha! He's got you there. Anyway, I'm not gonna go into that. But all I'm saying is, teach kids things about-- Say to 'em, "when you go home tonight, There was dinosaurs knocking about ages ago. How would you have lived with them? Get on with it. - See you later. " Well, they didn't. We've told you this before. You've got a lot of your information from "the Flintstones" And "one million years, B. C. ," with Raquel Welch. They're weren't dinosaurs knocking around when there were Little fellas knocking around in furry pants. No no, but just sort of saying to them-- All right, then- here's a different question. - Go on then. - Would it be better Um, to have dinosaurs knocking about now - Whilst we're here? - What? I put it in my diary the other day. When you think about it, there's a population problem. - Yeah yeah. - There's too many of us. We're saving people all the time. No one's allowed to get injured anymore. You've got to wear a helmet when you're on a bike. There's speed bumps to slow people down, Zebra crossing, cures for illnesses. No one's dying anymore, right? - I think they are. - Not as many as there should be - 'cause the world's crowded. - I think-- I think there's still people dying. - Not that many, though. - Yeah, I think there's still-- - A handful. A handful. - There's still millions of people dying. Loads of people are living longer. That's a problem. - So what I'm saying-- - You feel that you should Introduce tyrannosaurus Rex into, say, London? Just have him wandering around, Picking people off? - Just, you know, just sort of random and that. 'cause I don't-- I mean, I'm not wishing That anyone I know dies and that. All I'm saying is, I don't know anyone who's died for ages. Whereas if a dinosaur was knocking about, - You'd go-- "Neil's gone missing. " "Lenora's had her head bitten off by a--" Whatever. I just think then it is survival of the fittest, Which is-- we've lost all that now. You don't even have to be fit to survive. They just keep sticking a new lung on you. Or Do you know what I mean? They can do too much now to keep people going. "they just keep sticking a new lung on you!" Question from Kevin. He says, "Karl, Other than the famous boxing match that you've often talked about"-- I know that took up about --"have you ever been in any other kind of fight?" I don't suppose a slanging match. I think they're talking have you ever been in a physical fight. Um, once that I can remember. It was over a woman-- Well, a girl. I was at school. - Yeah. - Um, and it was because-- It's a hassle-- relationships, when you're younger. - How old were you? - 'Cause you're not-- Um, about seven. "It was over a woman. " go on, then. Yeah, go on. And there was this girl knocking about who-- You know, she was quite good looking- everybody liked. And my mate-- he really liked her. I didn't sort of ask her out and that, But she just sort of took a shine to me and stuff, right? And didn't really go out with her properly. It's at that age where going out with someone Is just like sort of going, "a'right" in the morning. Do you know what I mean? You just sort of nod your head. - Yeah. - And that. Anyway, there was some sort of school disco. They were playing spin the bottle or something. And I sort of wandered over to see what was going on. And I stood on this girl's dress and put a hole in it. And she started crying. I was like, "oh, I can't be dealing with this. " Kind of, "what's up with you? Oh, what's up with you?" And everyone's going, "Karl, what are you doing? That's meant to be your girlfriend and that. You should be sort of saying, 'I'm sorry, ' and giving her a hug and all that. And saying, 'it'll be all right. We'll sort the dress out. '" I said, "oh, I can't be dealing with this. " She was crying her eyes out. I said, "it's over," right? Oh, it's over-- you saying, "a'right" in the morning? - Yeah. - No more of that. Yeah, there's no more, "a'right" in the morning. So I go to the toilet, right? And this lad who fancies her comes in and goes, "you're out of order. " you know? And I said, "what are you on about?" - So there's two seven-year-olds? - Two seven-year-olds? "you're out of order! Keep out--" Yeah. "cut it out. Show her a bit of bloody respect. " Sorry, were you wearing trilbies? He put his cigarette out in the sink. And he just said, "leave it. " "get out of my face. " I just sort of said, "look, why are you getting involved?" - And all that. - Two seven-year-olds! "why are you getting involved?" And it was obviously because he fancied her and that. We had a bit of a fight in the-- I accidentally sort of chipped his tooth on a sink. Sorry. This is like something from "lock, stock and two smoking barrels. " What are you talking about? Two seven-year-olds in a toilet. So you put-- you put a hole in her dress? I don't know how that-- What were you wearing, football boots? How did you make a hole in her dress? I don't know. It was that sort of material-- - If you were wearing winkle pickers- - - Like crepe. You know what I mean? It was like a crepe dress or something. Yeah. - And that got a hole in it. So you're having a- when you say you're having a fight, I mean, are you wrestling with it? You got heads-- A little bit of wrestling and shoving about and that. It was an accident. I didn't sort of go around, "I'm gonna break your teeth, " or anything. It's just that I happened to push his head down And his tooth hit the sink And it chipped and what have you. After that, I sort of left there and stuff. We had to go into assembly. There was a copper in there doing some presentation, Saying, "listen, kids, don't get into trouble Because we're out there and we'll get you. " Right? Sort of tryin' to teach the kids young Not to get into any trouble and stuff. So I'm sat in the assembly room Thinking, "oh, God, there's a copper here talking And my mate's gonna me in in a minute, Like, with a chipped tooth and everything Questions are gonna get asked. That's what kind of happened. I mean, the coppers didn't get involved. Did you turn your back on violence after that? - Yeah. He said, "you'll never take me alive, copper!" Um Yeah, that was the sort of last fight. Brilliant. Some of the questions coming in now, Rick, are just-- I don't know what they're intending-- What response they're hoping for, really. This is one from Rob. He just says, "I was just wondering, What are Karl's views on the human appendix?" What do you think, Karl? What do you think of the human appendix? Never worried about it. Well, I think Rob's point is that it's sort of Pretty redundant now. So this is kind of what we talked about before-- He always says that. He always says something like, "we've talked about this before. " The thing is that we've talked about is nothing like it. What I mean is we've obviously interfered somewhere along the way. We have interfered, yeah. We shouldn't have done, because-- It's the same way if we didn't have planes and that, Would we have wings now? - No. - If we needed to get about, would we have wings? No. The answer's no. Next. No. But you say that, but look at the way-- He says it 'cause he's right. - No. All I'm saying is, you see that picture of an ape to man? Ricky: Yeah. - At first they crawl about on all fours Because you're looking for food, so you want to be down there. So if you're on both legs, you're missing stuff on the floor. What sort of time period do you think this 'cause, I mean, we started dabbling with a plane Maybe 100 years ago. So what sort of time period do you think this little thing Who's scrambling around looking for food stood up and walked? I don't know. I sort of don't worry about time. We wouldn't have wings now. If the Wright brothers had said, "oh, forget it," We wouldn't have wings now. What would happen? Right? Here's another question. This is one th I chuck out to kids-- 'cause we're always talking about education-- teaching kids stuff. What would happen, right? We ruin this world, right? It goes wrong and that. They shut it down. They go, "we're moving. " - We go to another planet. - It's as simple as that in his world. It's as simple as that. "we can't go to Mars, 'cause it's full of stuff That used to be in dixons. " - It's like a tip. - Yeah, it's a nightmare. So we can't go there. We go somewhere else. Something that I've always wondered about-- if we do that, Do we start new years or do we carry on- do you know what I mean? Do we say, "oh, it's still 2006"? Or do we go it's world new whatever-- New world? That is definitely the first priority, yeah. It's year one. Right. We've sorted that out. - Right, now-- - It depends, doesn't it? 'cause the year might not be the same on this planet. We'd sort that out, right? We'd sort out what year it is and that. No no, what I'm saying is, We'd have to start again anyway because the planet Might not take one year as we know it to go around the sun. It might not take a day to turn. A day is a day because that's how long it takes for-- Yeah, but we'd have to carry on as we know, Because we don't want to start doing longer days and that. Otherwise it'll just kick off and say, "this is rubbish, This new world. What are you doing?" - No, we wouldn't have a choice. - I'm taking a 28-hour day. We wouldn't have a choice. A day is how long it takes the planet to turn. - A day is-- - A year is how long It takes that planet to go around the sun once. But a day is man-made, really. There's places in the world where they're working in the dark, In Iceland and that. But they don't go, "well, it's dark all the time so I'll stay in bed. " Well, no, but there's still a day. There's still 24 hours in a day in Iceland. Yeah, but that's- we only work by that clock Because that what people use at the moment. When they go, "what time is it? " you go, "it's 20 past--" No no no. We use that because that's how long it takes The planet we're on to turn-- I've never worried about that. I've just-- - Well, I'm telling you- - - 'Cause you weren't asked to get involved When they came up with the idea. That's what a day is. It's how long it takes your planet to-- What do you mean? No, I'm just saying, that's fine and everything. But if when I was born people said, "there's 26 hours in a day," I'd go, "fair enough. " I'm not gonna argue-- - yeah, we could have made longer hours. You could have made hours shorter and get 26 in. Well, they're saying they're gonna do that. - No, they're not. No, they are because there's so many people in the world. This is what I was talking about before. They've got to create more jobs. The only way to have more jobs, Keep shops open, take on more people- everyone's happy. - That makes no sense at all. - Say there's 28 hours in a day. Yeah, it'd still be 24 hours long as we used to know it. No. You'd have, like, "what time is it?" "oh, it's like 20 past 25, " or whatever. - You're not making any sense at all. - I'm just saying-- The earth would still take Forget it. Hang on a minute. There's more interesting territory here. Don't forget our sleep patterns have evolved on a day. The reason we sort of like go to sleep at night And have about eight to 10 hours sleep, is because that's our evolution. No, but that's only- that's just what we've got used to. Yeah. - You look at a sloth. That's asleep all the time. But it evolved differently, didn't it? "you can't get away. You're not getting away with this anymore. If you want to live now, join in with us. " Well, it's that time again. Uh, it's the feature that the world Is saying could rival monkey news one day. Ready? Oh, what's he written today? Well, Karl's diary. You didn't explain what it was. "Sunday: Got up. Sunny day, so went for a walk in the park. " There was a bloke walking down the street who was whistling, Uh, some kind of annoying tune. He seemed quite happy with himself. Do people only whistle when they're happy? - I don't whistle very much. " - It's a good point. Uh, whistling is so inane to me. But yeah, but It's sort of like going, "I'm so-- I'm content. I'm, uh--" it really is that thing that they go, "well, um, Mr. Mathers, I'm afraid We've got some bad news. Not only has your wife died, But you've lost the house. " "thanks, doctor. " Wouldn't happen. - No. You don't whistle when you're sad. The other place you hear it of course is changing rooms. And that's men going "I'm whistling so I'm not looking at your ***. How could I be? I'm concentrating on whistling. " "the Lake was frozen over where I was walking. - The ducks look worried. " "they were sat on the edge of the Lake waiting for it to melt. " Were they, Karl? Yeah, they were just sat looking, sort of going, "what's going on?" I don't know. How long is a duck's memory? 'cause I wondered whether they're going, "this doesn't seem right, but I don't know why. " "I asked Suzanne why ducks don't use their wings much. " They seem to walk and swim more and don't bother using their wings. "Suzanne said she had to call her mom and dad, so I never got an answer. " The old excuse! "Suzanne?" "oh, I can't talk now, Karl. I'm" "gonna phone my mom. " "there was a marathon type run going on in the park. " It reminded me of the time when we were moving flat. It was a day of the London marathon. Me and Suzanne were walking down the middle of the road Taking some stuff to our new flat. I was carrying a lamp and a kitchen bin. People were clapping me thinking I was doing some kind of fun run. " Why were y walking on the same route? Because that was when we lived on the docklands. - Oh, brilliant. - There was no other route. The flat was just about They're going, "look at the bloke with the bald wig! He's carrying a lamp and bin. " "took a bag of old clothes to oxfam. " It was just old t-shirts and a couple of jumpers with holes in it. I don't think anyone will buy 'em. But the oxfam is closer to the flat than the wheelie bin. " "on the tube on the way back home," Saw an advert for a book about a woman who works in a funeral home. She went into work one day. Uh, she goes to work on a body. She takes the sheet off of one of the bodies And it looks exactly like her. This is called a doppelganger. " What's a doppelganger to you? It's the thing I read about ages ago where Someone was walking down the street. And he's sees somebody who looked a bit like him. And-- no. This was weirder than that. - Go on. He remembers like going down that street As a kid on his bike, whistling. And then he sort of- he's walking down the street, Going to get some milk or whatever from the shop. Little bike comes whizzing past. He hears the whistling and goes, "that's weird. " Looks a bit. It was him when he was a kid. Don't talk ***. What do you mean it was him as a kid? This is like a different form of doppelganger. It's just, uh-- - well, it's impossible. It's rubbish. - --Some sort of time thing. - No, no. That's impossible. - So don't worry about it. - It's just some kind of time thing, Rick. Yeah, it's what you read again on the Internet Or it was a short story or something someone told you. "on my walk back from the tube," I saw a jogger who was pushing a pram at the same time. - The kid looked terrified. " "got my science book out. It said that the static" You get on the telly when a channel isn't tuned in properly Is radiation that is still knocking about From when the big *** happened. I thought about the big *** And wondered if it was really a big ***, Or did it just sound louder as there was no other noise to drown it out?" Good point though, isn't it? Karl's diary, Rick, never ceases to amaze. Oh, well, it's that time now, yeah? It's the big one. Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news. - Right. There was this, uh-- - Monkey? --This fella who had a problem with his eyes. Right? So, uh, he goes to the doctor's. And he goes, "I've got a problem with my eyes. " And he goes, "yeah, they're bad then. " He goes, uh-- he was in America. You know how you have to pay for medical stuff? And the doctor said, "if I fix them, It's gonna be like 10 grand, " right? He's like, "but I haven't got the money, doctor. " And he goes, "well, I can't help you then. There's a lot of people with bad eyes. Can't do anything for you. " he says, "oh, it's getting worse. I can't do anything. " so he goes home. Is that the price of human eyes, is it? So he goes home. He's looking in the paper. And he sort of sees in the adverts at the back There's a little advert there saying "cheap doctors," right? - No, ***. No. - Oh no! So he's thinking, oh, maybe that's-- Maybe that's what I- maybe that's what I need, right? So he calls them up. Woman is there. She's like, "what can I do?" he goes, "I've got bad eyes. " She says, "oh, come in tomorrow. We'll sort 'em out. " He's like, "brilliant. I'll see you then, " right? So he goes down there. And he says, "right, I can hardly see. My eyes have got in a really bad state and what have you. I need to have them sorted out. I don't know what you do. Whatever you do, I need doing. " Now his eyes are so bad, can he see the doctors? Um, not really. He's sort of squinting and that. But, you know, so he's like, "do I need to see the doctor To, you know, have a word and tell me what the problem is?" She's like, "no, don't worry about that. Just, uh--" I'd be comfortable if it's a-- "just, you know, just let me inject you. And we'll knock you out and we'll get on with it. " Can I just tell you something about chimps just before you continue? You know they don't have opposable thumbs which is why-- Now why are opposable thumbs useful, really? Well, to grip something, to do anything like, Even simple stuff like write and stuff, let alone surgery. - So without an opposable thumb- - - But can I just check now? So if I was a doctor and I was doing any form of difficult surgery, - Would I need opposable thumbs? - You'd need opposable thumbs. To be a doctor-- - without, you couldn't do anything. - Thanks for clearing that up. - The opposable thumb allowed something In our evolution called " the precision grip. " So without that, you couldn't do anything. I'm just glad they've got that cleared up, thanks. So he's had the injection. He's nodding off and what have you, right? His eyes are sort of closing and that. He hears the door open. He sort of just sees this little fella coming in. He's like, "hello, doctor. " He's trying to make a chat with it. - But like he's just nodding off. - "It?" Uh, no. - Oh, he's never called a doctor. These people have done seven years' medical training. - These are respected people. - How could you call it "it"? So anyway, he thought, "oh, it's weird he didn't answer. But, you know, doctors can be quite Moody. They're highly intelligent. They don't need that. " - Especially little hairy ones. - Or just idle chitchat. There's no room for that, you know. It's just-- if I'm going in to have my eyes done, I want a little bit of idle " chimp chat. " So anyway, time passes, right? He sort of wakes up. And he opens his eyes, right? And it's brilliant. He can't believe it. - Eyes are perfect? - He's d the op. He can't believe the sight. He's like, "nurse!" right? The nurse comes in. He goes, "I can't believe it. This is brilliant. I've never had such good sight. You know, even when I was a baby "And my eyes were new, I didn't see this good. " Great. - So she's like, "well, that's--" He realized the nurse was a panda? "--that's what we do, right?" so, uh, he said, "right. So can I just see the doctor and just say thanks and that?" She's like, "well, to be honest, He's specialized in what he does. There's a lot--" What a load of *** this is getting. - Please. Where did you get this from? - No, come on, let's hear the end of the news. "there's a lot of-- there's a lot of, like, operations he's gotta do. Um, so you know, leave him to it. He's just having a kip, you know? I'll let him know that you were grateful. Uh, you know, pay us a check, off you go. Go and enjoy looking at stuff. " So he says, uh, he says, "no. I just-- what's wrong with that? I just want to see the doctor. " "no, just leave it. " Yeah exactly, leave it. - And he's like, "yeah, but I can't, you know-- I want to thank him. He's done such a good thing for me. " So they're getting into a bit of an argument and what have you. The voices are raising, right? A door opens. Gonna wake the doctor up. - Well, that's what they did. They woke it up, right? - They we "it" up? - "It"? So the door opens, right? Little monkey comes out. And he's like, "what's- what's going on in this hospital? Why does he have a monkey knocking about?" So the woman said, "what do you mean? He's the doctor. " So he's like, "you are having a laugh, aren't you?" She goes, "don't complain. Your eyes are sorted. The doctor's done it. What's the problem?" He said, "if I had known that, I wouldn't have come here. " She said, "what do you mean you didn't know that?" She said, "the advert in the paper you read, it said, 'chimp doctors. '" That is the biggest load of *** I have ever heard. That really is the worst. What? And he-- so 'cause his eyes were so bad, He thought it said "cheap doctors"? He saw the advert, and it said, "chimp doctors. " But because his eyes were bad, he just saw it as-- - what journal is this in? It was-- it was years ago 'cause it of says How the monkey sort of carried on working for a few years. - Uh, it couldn't do anything- - - Then he just retires to play golf. It's absolute ***. There's no way-- that's the worst. I mean, it's not even worth talking about. It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. It's the most ridiculous monkey news we've ever heard, and that's saying something. Chimp-- chimp doctors; cheap. Easy mistake.