According to Jim - Cars and chicks

JIM: Mmm. Honey, use your fork. Thank you. You see, now you're a lady. (PHONE RINGING) (EXCLAIMS IN IRRITATION) Hello? No, the lady of the house is busy right now. And you know, I don't really appreciate you making these calls during dinner time. What? No, I'm not being rude. No, this is rude! This too! Thank you, honey, I just hate getting those calls. Me too. Call your sister after dinner. (EXCLAIMS) Oh, baby! Hey! Hey. Check out our new toaster oven. Pretty swanky, huh? Now we can throw out that old piece of junk. Jeez, one electrical fire, you turn on the thing? Oh, honey. It's chrome and stainless steel. Doesn't it look clean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, let's see if it's up for the tuna-melt challenge. No, no, no, no. You can't use it! Hey, Cheryl, ready to go? Oh, yeah, let me get my purse. Where you going? Oh, we are going car shopping for me. Hey! Did you decide what kind you want? Yes, a blue one! (GASPS) Wait, the two of you are going car shopping? Just the two of you? Yeah. (LAUGHING) What? There's three things that women should never do alone. Work on their cars, walk to their cars and most important, buy a car. Yeah, what about washing cars? Can we still do that? Oh, yeah, you put on that wet T-shirt, get all soapy. Listen, I'm not one to make broad sweeping statements. (CLEARS THROAT) But women should never buy their own car. Why, Jim? I'm so glad you asked. Because they get distracted by the little things, llike the cup holders or the make-up mirror. "Oh, with the lights!" Where does he come up with these ridiculous... Oh, my God! Is that the new toaster? Yes! Oh! See? Right there! Distracted. Now, you act like that in a dealership, and you're going to get ripped off. Oh, please... Do you remember the car I had when we were first dating? I got a great deal on that car by myself without help from any man. Didn't Dad go with you to buy that car? No. I could've sworn he said he went with you. Well, he's dead now, so it's his word against mine. Cheryl, Cheryl, no offense, but if you dug up your dad, propped him up in a dealership, he'd still get a better deal than you! Okay, well, I'm going to show you. I'm going to take Dana down there and we're going to get a great deal. Yeah! (STAMMERING) And we won't get "distracted." No. (DOOR CLOSING) (HARMONICA PLAYING) Daddy, play with us. Oh, sure! Hey, you know what I liked doing when I was a kid? Jumping in a big pile of leaves. Can we do it? Sure, sure. Uh, the rake's in the garage. GIRLS: Yay! You know, honey, could you help me out with something? I'm confused. Um, this looks like the car I helped Dana buy. Um, is that it? Yeah. Well, I don't understand that because the car that Dana got was $600 less, now, am I reading that wrong or did I get Dana the best damn deal in town? Now, no, you are reading that wrong. That number's in pesos. (CLICKING TONGUE) Oh! Come on, why can't you just admit it, that... That I, a woman, got Dana a great deal, even though I'm not you, a man. For the love of God, enough with this! (SIGHS) Do I gloat when I'm right about stuff all the time? You gloat when you beat Gracie at Candyland. That is different, Cheryl. Gracie was ahead of me in an Ice Cream Sea, right? And I was lost in Lollipop Woods. Everybody had written me off. Two cards later, I'm sitting pretty in Candy Castle. That's not gloating, honey. That's winning. Hey! Hey, guess what? Dana's brand new car broke down. (EXCLAIMING) What is wrong with you? I told you not to say anything in front of Jim! Then, the next time I'm rocking out to Skynyrd, don't harsh my groove. (STAMMERING) Wait, how can your car break down? We just got it a week ago. I know, and now it's going to be in the shop for God knows how long! And a loaner car isn't part of my deal. Oh! A loaner car is not part of your deal! Oh! Wow, Dana, I'd really be chapped at the person that helped me make that crappy deal. Hello! All right, Dana, that's it. We're going down there. We're getting you a loaner. And I am going to raise hell! (LAUGHING) Whoa! Cheryl. Okay, you're not going to give them hell. You could give them heck. You could give them, "Oh, darn." Or maybe you'll give them the dickens! But you're not going to give them hell. Oh, I see, so you're the only one who can make a big scene? Well, there's me and Sinatra, but now it's just me. Hey, he's tough. Remember when that Girl Scout shorted me a box of Tagalongs? (CHUCKLES) She won't do that ever again. That's right. Maybe you should do it. I mean, you're perfect for this. You're a horrible, horrible man. Well, thank you, Dana. But far be it from me to step on the toes of Cheryl's little project. Unless Cheryl, a woman, would ask me, a man, for... Oh, all right, you do it, you big... Oh, look out! Look out! Dope! Oh, she's giving me the dickens! Daddy, we're done. Can we jump in the pile of leaves now? Did you, uh, do the front lawn? No. Well, that's no fun. (EXCLAIMING) Oh, man! What a spread! Yeah. You should see the Lexus dealership. On Sundays, they have an omelet station. I'm thinking of taking Cheryl there for Mother's Day. (LAUGHS) So, uh, how're we gonna play this? I'm gonna make a big stink and then we're out of here with Dana's loaner. Ah! The old stink and dash. Classic. Hey, hey, can I help? Sure, just keep it subtle, okay? Hi, I'm Bill. Is there anything I can go ahead and show you? Sure, Bill, you can show me an America where people still believe in quality. What's this about quality? I'm interested. Well, it seems that my sister-in-law bought a car here last week and it's already in the shop and this dealership won't give her a loaner. Well, perhaps this eccentric billionaire has come to the wrong dealership. What kind of business are you running here, huh? (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) Please keep your voice down. I'll keep my voice down once you give my sister-in-law a loaner. Okay, okay, I'm going to go ahead and get the manager. Bill, you go ahead and do that. (CHUCKLING) How about that? I've officially moved from obnoxious to frightening. You should live under a bridge and threaten billy goats. (BOTH LAUGH) That was just a warm-up. Wait till you see me with the manager. Hi, I'm Gretchen Saunders, the manager. Bill tells me you'd like to see me. Did you wanna buy a car? (IN HIGH VOICE) Uh-huh. (HIP HOP MUSIC BLARING) (LAUGHS) Oh, my God! Jim, you did it. This is a great loaner. Thank you! Dana, it's better than the car you bought! I know! Where's the minivan? Oh, that? Oh, that's not here. Yes, I can see that, Jim. Where is it? Oh, I, uh, traded the minivan in and got you this little beauty here. You're welcome. What? Yeah, I dealt directly with the manager. You know, honey, that's the only way to go. College girls were pointing at us at red lights and not laughing. Wait a minute, so this isn't my car? Where's my loaner? I don't know. What, do you want me to cut your meat for you too? Hey, Cheryl, Cheryl, you know, I was thinking about getting a leather bra for the front. Then I thought to myself, nah, let's just let the headlights hang out. Oh, my God! Jim, can I... Can I talk to you inside? Sure. Great. So, he gets a new car and I get nothing. (MOCKINGLY) Oh, look at me, I'm Dana. I haven't had a car for two whole days. Oh, poor me. Me, me, me, me, me. (GRUNTS) (CHEERING) Jim, I... Hold it. (SIGHS) (CAR LOCK BEEPING) (STAMMERING) I don't even know what to say. I am speechless. You say that, but I know there's more coming. How would you feel if I took your truck and traded it without asking you? Don't change the subject on me, Cheryl. This is not about my truck. You're jumping all over the place, I can't follow you. I drive a carpool. How am I supposed to fit all those kids in that tiny car? Oh, those kids are like two feet tall. How much room do they need? All right, we agreed to make all our major decisions together. That's why Ruby and Gracie aren't named Sayers and Piccolo. Those are fine American names. Come on, besides, you wanted to replace that minivan. Yes, honey, with another minivan. Oh, you're so old-fashioned. Oh! Come on! You got to learn to think outside the box. Cheryl, haven't you ever gotten just spontaneous and just bought something because it felt good? Yes! And when I do it, I come home with a bag of pre-cut lettuce. (GASPING) I thought you did that by hand! Oh, come on, honey. This is a great family car. Yes, that's true, honey, for a family of clowns! Cheryl? Jim? I work hard, I put a roof over our head, I'm a great lover, we're keeping the car. (EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION) (GIRLS CHEERING) (DANA GRUNTING) All right, Dana, get off Andy's head. All right, one thing is going to get done right today. We're going to go down there. We're going to get you a loaner. I am ready, my blood is up! (PANTING) Me too, I am pumped. Yeah! Just so you know, punching a man in the adam's apple is dirty pool. Not now, Andy, we're not in the mood. (MOCKINGLY) Well, look at me! I'm Cheryl, I'm the older sister, so I boss everyone around. Boss, boss, boss, boss, boss. (CHEERING) Oh, there he is. He doesn't know we're about to rip him a new one. (EXHALING FORCEFULLY) Let's get all up in his business. Oh, yeah. Hey, you. Yes? I bought a car from you and you wouldn't give me a loaner? (CLICKS TONGUE) Now you're gonna wish you had. Tear it up, Cheryl. He is going down. (SIGHS) So, Bill, do you think, maybe, when you have time, you could, maybe, get the manager out here? Please? Could you? I'll do what I can. Hey, thank you so much. Thanks. Don't go out of your way. Thank you. Wow, I wouldn't want to run into you in a bright sunny alley. Oh, whoo! Oh, no. Cheryl, this isn't going to work. Can I just borrow your new car for a few days? Would you stop calling it my car? I'm not keeping it. Well, what about Jim? Don't worry about Jim. After a week of making him drive carpool, he'll drive that thing off a cliff. Wait a minute, I'm picturing it. Mmm, nice. You know, I just don't know what Jim was thinking buying that car! (LAUGHS) Hi, I'm Gretchen Saunders, the manager. Well, at least I know what he was thinking with. (SIGHING) You... You are gorgeous. Absolutely stunning. Yeah. Um, I'm sorry, I'm straight. Oh, um... (MOUTHING) Hey! Hey! Where are the kids? Kyle's with Dana and the girls are having dinner at the O'Conners. Oh, nice people, Fred and Mary. Mike and Laura. Right. Hey, you know, I told the O'Conners what a great deal you got and they wanted to know who you talked to at the dealership. Do you remember his name? Uh... You know, I remember the face, but the name escapes me. Oh, what did he look like? (STAMMERING) He was vaguely Germanic... Germanic? Uh, yeah, with a dash of a Latino/Chinese kind of mix, you know... Great, well, that narrows it down to, what? Three billion people? Well, you know, he had a mustache, if that helps you out. You know, I think I'll just go down with the O'Conners and we'll track him down on our own. Phil! That's it, Phil. Phil? Yeah. (LAUGHING) But, you know, the problem is guy got fired. Yeah. For giving me such a great deal on the car. Poor Phil. Phil, well, so that's a pretty common name for a German-Latino-Chinese guy. Well, you know, honey, that's why they come to this country. We don't judge. Right. Hey, that reminds me, I'm going to put the flag out on the steps over here. Okay, honey. Jim? I happen to know the manager's name is Gretchen. (GASPS) (GRUNTS) So what? I bought a car from a guy named Gretchen. I know, honey. Dana and I went down there today, so I happen to know that Gretchen is a leggy, gorgeous woman and you bought that car because you got distracted. I... After you sat right here, so smug, and told me women get distracted. Absolutely not. (LAUGHING) Fine, fine, I will admit that she was a very attractive woman. Oh! But I did not get distracted. I bought that car because she was a finely crafted machine. You refer to cars as a she, you see. Yes. But then, you know all about that car. Yeah! From stem to stern. Yeah. Okay. Well... Although that's a boating term. Oh, yeah. Um, so, honey, what's the cubic displacement of the engine? Huh? That's very close. 3800 cc's. What about the suspension? Well, I didn't exactly... A modified MacPherson strut system with gas-charged Bilstein monotube dampers. Huh. Yeah, that's right. Right. You know what, I think you're just mad. You're mad because a very attractive woman who smelled like flowers saw a man that shared her interest in cars. Oh, God! Yeah. What she saw was a great big cartoon dollar sign with feet. (LAUGHS) What... Honey, she played you. Oh, I was in complete control, babe... You got played. I did not get played... You did so! I never get played. Oh, come on! Drop it, drop it, drop it, drop it. Okay, dropped! (SIGHING) Oh, God! What? You know how, um, sometimes when we argue you say that you get a little frisky? Well, I don't use that word. But, yes. I... I think it's happening to me right now. (SIGHING) Oh, I'm just so attracted to you. Is that weird? You're only human, honey. Well, evidently. You know, honey, we're all alone in this house. What do you say we use this time creatively. Yes! Oh, and honey... Yeah, baby? Played! You got played! (LAUGHING) I don't need you. Hey, hey, I just saw your old minivan. They haven't sold it yet. (SIGHS) Great. All right, let's just talk to Gretchen and get this thing over with. Okay, hey, but just remember, don't look directly at her, or you'll get sucked into her beauty vortex. Right. What happens if she adjusts her bra strap or does something sexy like that? Hmm, yeah. Okay, how about this? Whatever she does, I'll do the same and we'll cancel each other out. You know, Andy, I don't... Here she comes. Avert your eyes, avert your eyes! So, Jim, how you doing with that convertible? Well, Gretchen, uh, it's a great car. (STAMMERING) I just think it might be, you know, a little too small for me. Oh, come on, a trim fit guy like you? I do work out. (LAUGHS) Uh, Gretchen, the problem is, I don't think the convertible is really right for me, because I have a... A wife and three kids and I just got to have that minivan back, Gretchen. Well, I'm sorry, Jim, but I'm not authorized to do that. Is there like an owner here that I could speak to? Yeah, Mike's here today. Oh, Mike, that's great! Mike's a guy's name. That's, that's great. Why don't you get Mike out here? Okay. Thank you. Would you like a burger with those fries? What? Oh, it's a saying on how sexy she walks. No, the saying is, "I'd like some fries with that shake." Why would you have fries and a shake, no burger? That doesn't make any sense. Andy, that's the saying! That's the saying, "Fries with that shake." Oh! So, I paged the owner and he'll be right with you, all right? Thank you so much. (MOANING) Oh! Oh, God, oh, God! (BOTH MOANING) You did it! You overcame your weakness of flesh and emerged victorious. Yes! And you split your pants picking up your keys. Hi, I'm Mike Ditka. Gretchen said you wanted to see me. Want to buy a car? (IN HIGH VOICE) Uh-huh. One purple, two purple, Candy Castle. We did it! (GIRLS CHEERING) No! I can't believe it. You weren't into it! You're not hungry! I'm hungry, coach. You're always hungry. You're my kind of guy. Thanks, coach. (MOCKINGLY) Well, look at me! I'm Mike Ditka. I can yell at anyone I want 'cause I coach the Bears. Bears, Bears, Bears, Bears, Bears... Here's your Bears!