Growing Pains S2E13 - English Transcript

I had a great time tonight, Bobby. Yeah, me too. I could like anything if I went with you. -Even the ballet? -Sure. Why? You got tickets? No. -Um. -Yes? -I was gonna ask if you wanted-- -I'd love to go. -Go where? -Well, wherever you were gonna suggest. No, I was gonna ask if you wanted to study tomorrow night. Oh, sure. -Well. -Uh-huh. Boy, isn't this school year just flying by? I mean, well, first, it was summer and then it was fall and pretty soon it'll be time for the Dewey High Winter Dance. Yeah, the winter dance. I. I gotta go. Good night, Carol. MIKE: Hey, Bobby. -Hey, Mark. Mike. Nice timing, Mike. That was just my surly sister. Don't mind her. Whoa, whoa. Uh, Andrea, I wanna thank you for driving me home while my car was in the shop. -My pleasure. -Whoa, hey, hold on a minute, hold. You're acting like I owe you a kiss because you paid for the gas and the movie and the food. -You don't wanna kiss me? -Of course I wanna kiss you. It's just that. Well, I got my reputation to think about. Okay, I'm done thinking. So did Bobby ask you to the dance last night? Well, not exactly. -No? -No. I could die. Did he even mention the winter formal? -Uh, no. -No? I brought up the dance. -You didn't. -I did. I could die. Carol, this is not a good thing. -Why? -Why? Men don't like women who usurp their masculinity. I didn't usurp, okay? Carol, where have you been? Men like women who let them be in charge even if you have to act dumb. Which I'm fully prepared to do. Look, I didn't ask Bobby to the winter formal, I just sort of hinted. Carol, football players do not take their tutors to the prom. They take blond girls in pleated skirts who can turn their bodies into letters of the alphabet. BOBBY: What's up, Chris? Don't turn around, okay? [SCREAMING AND LAUGHING] It's Bobby Winnet. He's coming this way. -Thanks, Shelley. -Run. No, no, no, now don't be ridiculous. If you run away, he'll know that we're talking about him. So just walk away very cool and very, very calmly, okay? [BOTH SCREAM] -Hi. -Hi. Carol, about studying together tomorrow night-- Oh, yeah, is, uh, 5 too early? Uh, no. I can't make it. -You can't? -No, no, something came up. [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] But I'd like to call you and talk to you about it. I mean, well, if you're gonna be home. I might be. Ring, ring. -Hi. -Shh. Pick up that phone and you'll never use that hand again. Oh, big talk. Uh, hey, Samantha, um, thanks for the ride home today. My pleasure. Oh, and, uh, thanks for waiting that extra hour until I got out of detention. -Oh, here are your books. -Thanks. -Bye. -Bye. Oh, I love this time of year, right before the winter formal. Girls get so desperate. -You're a pig. -Thank you. Ben, if you can't make the phone ring, leave. -Okay. Ahem. -Okay. [PHONE RINGS] Aah! It's a miracle. I am the total master of a new power. -Mike, the phone is ringing. -So answer it. No, no. All right, all right. Pick up the phone, very calmly, say hello and call for me like I'm not in the room. -Okay? -Okay. Hello? Just a minute. Carol! Yes? It's for Mike! What? -It's Eddie. -Well, hang it up. Carol. Carol, you can't just hang up on every phone call that's not for you. [PHONE RINGS] I did it again. Hello? No, I'm sorry, Ben's dead. Hey! -What are you doing? -I'm calling Eddie back. -No. -Yes. No. [PHONE RINGS] That's the last call. I'm bushed. Hello? Hey. Hey, I'm using the phone! Ow! Ow! Hey, that hurt. Hello? Oh, hi, Bobby, lucky you caught me. I was just heading out the door. -Hi, honey. -Hi. -So, what's for dinner? -So, what's for dinner? BOTH: Oh. You know, you guys should know that your daughter just brutalized me. That's my girl. Mike, somebody named Andrea called. She said, "Winter is in the air. " Also, Samantha called to quote: "Formalize what she should bring you for lunch tomorrow. " And Sheena called just to say, "Hey. " What, what, only three messages? Michael, I think it's very unfair of you to lead these girls on. Lead them on? Mom, look fact: the enrollment at Dewey High is 3-to-1 female. Fact: the dance of the year is coming up. And fact: even *** has women calling him. Good Lord. Out of my way, armpit. There, there, see, see, did I do anything to provoke that vicious attack? That wasn't very nice. What did Mike do? -Nothing. -Nothing is right. He's just slime, like every other male that's ever walked the face of the Earth. Maybe you'd better handle this one. Carol, you don't mean all men. Yes, I do. But that's very insulting to your father. I don't think of Dad as a man. Is it the shirt? You know what I mean. I'm talking about hot, good-looking guys. I sense a trend here. Oh, I get it. Bobby invited somebody else to this winter fling thing, huh? Typical of men who use women and then discard them like so much garbage. You know, that really hurts, Carol. It hurts that you see me as a guy who treats girls very crummily. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to return some calls and brighten the day of some very lucky young ladies. So do you want to explain men to Carol or women to Mike? I'd like someone to explain women to me. Just kidding, just one of those charming, whimsical little remarks. Oh, Mike. Oh, Carol, I'm so sorry that Bobby asked someone else to the-- I don't know that he asked someone else. I don't know what his plans are. Well, honey, you know that Bobby's always been a little shy. Oh, yeah? He wasn't so shy the other night when. Never mind. -What other night? -That's not the point. The point is, the dance is only a week and a half away and he hasn't asked me yet. Maybe you should ask him. The only kind of women who ask men to dances are the kind who don't shave their legs. Carol, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman asking a man out on a date and it is extremely easy to do. Oh, sure. It's true. Watch. -Oh, Jason? JASON: Yeah? Would you like to go to the movies on Friday night? JASON: Sure. -See? JASON: What do you wanna see? -Oh, nothing. We're not really going. We already have plans on Friday. Oh. Where was I? Um, you were telling me that I was wrong to think that women don't make sense. [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] I'm just saying it's a major mistake to follow your mother's advice. Yeah, if I followed my mother's advice, I'd be a Quaker. Bye. -Hi, Bobby. -Carol. Listen, we've been going out for, what now, two months? -Yeah. -Right. And in that time, we've gotten to be good friends. Yeah. Uh-huh. So we're comfortable around each other and we don't have to put up any act. -Yeah. -Great. So if I were gonna ask you to take me to the winter formal, you'd say? -No. -Great. Oh. I can't. Well, that's great. I'm glad we got that cleared up. [GASPS] Oh, gee, look at the time, um. I gotta go, bye. BOBBY: Carol. l. That's my football. "For that zesty combination of herbs and spices always remember to shake vigorously before opening. " Okay. What are you doing? I'm, uh, cooking. What does it look like? Oh, yeah. -Hi, Mike. -Hey, Mom. You know, Dad, this winter formal thing is gonna be the death of me. All right, if you had to choose between a blond, a redhead and a brunette beauty who would you pick? Well, Mike, there's much more to a woman than the color of her hair. There's also the size of her intellect. Hi, Carol, how was your day? Everything's fine now. I don't know what's been the matter with me. I mean, new clothes, makeup, contact lenses. Thinking someone would wanna take me to a dance. Please, I mean, it's just not me. I mean, what am I trying to change? I was just fine working hard and studying. I was just fine without trying to be silly and popular. I mean, who needs all these risks? Well, not me. I guess that means she didn't have a good day. [SOBBING] Mom, I want to donate all my makeup to the poor. Oh, Carol, what happened? Nothing. Nothing important. I just asked Bobby to the prom and he turned me down. -Oh, honey. -Oh, pumpkin, that's a shame. It's a decision I gotta make. I don't need to see this. I'm way ahead of you. Oh, honey, what did Bobby say? "No. " How many times do I have to repeat it? Well, honey, maybe you just asked him too late. Honey, there has to be some reason. Yeah, me. I mean, he just doesn't want to take me. Well, then he's out of his mind. And that's a professional opinion. Yes, you're right. I mean, after all, I've learned from my pain. I mean, who needs a social life when you have an IQ of 144, right? I want five minutes with that football player without his protective equipment. Don't you get irrational too. But, Jason, it would be a nice gesture for you to get a little irrational. Okay, if you want to vent, go ahead and vent. Vent, one of us has to remain calm. One of us has to do thinking and observing and-- What are you babbling about? Well, I'm gonna call that little slime bag sucker right now. Carol, we wanna leave in about five minutes. Are you ready? No, I am not. I do not want to go to some stupid place to take my mind off the fact that there's some stupid dance tonight that I don't even care about. Six minutes will be fine. If you're looking for enthusiasm, it might help to tell where we're going. Well, I don't think we can expect much enthusiasm out of Carol tonight. I was talking about me. Ben, why are you eating? I told you we were going out to dinner. No, we aren't. Where we're going, they don't have dinner. Shh. You tell our 10-year-old son where we're going, but you won't tell me? Don't take it personally, Mom. No woman can keep a secret. Ha. Where would he get such a ridiculous idea? Not from you, Dad. Oh, wow, Mike, you look fabulous. What, this old thing? [MAGGIE CHUCKLES] Let me get my camera. Hey, so who's the lucky date? Well, it was a tough decision, Dad. And I've given it a lot of thought, and I mean a lot. Who's kidding who, Dad? I've lost sleep over this. And there was only one decision that seemed to make any sense. [DOORBELL RINGS] Excuse me. ALL: Hello, Mike. -Hello. -How do you do? Hey. Mom, Dad, this is the stunning Samantha, lovely Andrea and the legendary Sheena Berkowitz. Well, you look lovely. The whole crowd of you. Cheese. We'll see you guys a little bit later. Oh, and, uh, there's no need to wait up. -So who wants to drive? ANDREA: Me. I get to sit in the back with Mike. Who says? Well? Say something. That's my boy. Oh, look at Carol. Doesn't she look beautiful? Oh, honey, you are perfectly dressed for a wonderful evening of. Something or other. I hate this whole entire gross disgusting idea. You're going to have fun than you've had since you were 6 years old. Come on. I'm gonna puke. Wow, it is gonna be a fun night. Oh, please, God, make it stop. It's okay, Ben, get up. My, my, here it is, the Empire State Building. Spectacular. Oh, souvenirs. What a view. Can we go now? Jason, it is very late. Pish tosh. The night is young. Pish tosh? When are we getting to the surprise destination? -This is it. -You're kidding. No, he isn't. Surprise. Don't you remember when you were 6 years old we came here and you looked through that very telescope and you said, "Daddy, there must be magic up here. Even New Jersey looks pretty. " Dad, I'm not 6 anymore. Well, I know, but I just thought maybe you could use a little magic tonight and maybe your old dad could help out. -Okay, who wants a King Kong souvenir? -Me, me, me. How did I know that? Well, it really is beautiful up here. Look at all those little cars. They look like little-- Ants. I know, Mom, please. Carol, your father meant well. I know he did but thinking that the Empire State Building would make me forget that I was totally humiliated just makes Dad seem kind of-- Lame. -No. -Yes, I heard you. No, no, no, honey, even if I thought that I would never, ever, ever call your father-- -Lame. -Don't say it again. Okay, but it is lame. Well yes, but we never had this conversation. What conversation? Thank you. Why is your father talking to that janitor? Oh, that's just Bobby Winnet. Bobby Winnet? Oh, Lord, forgive me for what I said about Jason, and don't ever let him know. Mom, Dad's bringing him over here. Well, what a co-inki-***. Look who I found. -Um, hi. -Hi. Your old ma-- Your father promised me he wouldn't tell nobody I was working here. I didn't tell a soul. -He told you that? -When he called me. -You called him? -Yeah, yelling. This job is why you couldn't take me to the dance? Why else wouldn't I take you? Well, I don't know. I thought maybe. If this is gonna get mushy, I'm gonna jump. Bye, Ben. Um, Dr. Seaver if it's okay, can I drive Carol home? I mean, I get off work at 11:00. -Oh, gee, Bobby, I don't know-- -Dad. -Don't be too late, sweetheart. CAROL: We won't. -Bye, Bobby. -Bye. Thanks, Dad. Oh, honey, I'm sorry I ever thought your whole idea was-- -Lame? -Oh, I never thought that. Yeah, you thought that. Well, why didn't you just tell me you had to work? I didn't want anybody to know that Bobby Winnet captain of the football team, had a job doing this. Especially you. Well, I don't mind. It's disgusting. Don't worry, I'm used to disgusting. Remember, I have two brothers? Carol, I really wanted to take you to that dance. And I really wanted to go with you. Hey, wait here. I know this isn't gonna be too clear. [BALLROOM JAZZ PLAYING ON RADIO] May I have this dance? Sure. Wait. Okay, I'm ready now. [TIRES SQUEAL THEN DOOR CLOSES] ANDREA: I had a lousy time. MIKE: Yeah, well, I had a lousy time too. Who needs you, any of you? SHEENA: You're a total pig. It was the worst night of my life. Women. You said it.