Family Reunion - A relative nightmare - 1995

VERY LITTLE. SO, MORON, YOU GONNA HUMILIATE YOURSELF AGAIN THIS YEAR? STUFF IT, MA■H. OOH, CLEVER. YOU KNOW, IT'S THAT STEEL TRAP OF A MIND OF YOURS THAT I HEARD GOT YOU THROWN BACK INTO SUMMER SCHOOL. SMOOTH MOVE. HEY, OOR! MY BROTHER HASN'T GOT A CHANCE. KEVIN, DON'T DO IT. I CAN BEAT HIM. IKE. THAT'S NOT THE POINT. YES IT IS. HE'S CHEATING! AND THIS SURPRISES YOU. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. PRETTY GOOD DRIVING I HOPE YOU'RE NOT TOO TIRED LATER FOR A ROUND OF GOLF, HUH? DON'T WORRY, DAD. MAYBE HE'LL GET A MASSIVE CORONARY LIKE AUNT ETHEL'S FIRST HU THAT'S NOT A VERY NICE THING TO SAY. NO, BUT IT'S OPTIMISTIC. ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH. LET'S GO. OOOH! OH, JEEZ, DID I URT YOU? NO. THAT'S ALL RIGHT. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. S. I'M DONALD JAMESON, YOUR CONCIERGE. I'LL GET THE BOY TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR BAGS. ■ DOUGLAS! WELCOME TO JAMESON BLUFFS. HOW MAY I HELP YOU TAKE YOUR BAGS HOW DID YOU DO THAT? DO WHAT? NEVER MIND. THIS IS A NICE PLACE IN HERE. A FAMILY-RUN RESORT. I THINK FAMILY-RUN IS THE OPERATIVE WORD HERE. MOM, DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A LITTLE CREEPY? YOU WANT CREEPY? TURN AROUND. AAH, BOO-BOO! CUDDLES! AUNT KATE, DON'T CALL US THAT. WE'RE NOT KIDS ANYMORE. TO ME YOU'LL ALWAYS BE BOO-BOO AND CUDDLES. ISN' , PUDGY-WUDGY? RIGHT, AUNT KATE. OH, BING. BING. PUDGY-WUDGY? CUTE, HUH? YOU'RE SO CUTE. BILLY, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE. YOUR COUSINS HAVE BEEN DYING TO SEE YOU. EVERY FAMILY HAS A FEW LOSER COUSINS. UNFORTUNATELY, ALL OF MINE FIT THAT DESCRIPTION. HEY, BILLY, WANT A PIECE OF GUM? WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT? I DON'T GOT COOTIES. AACHOOO! I WANT A PIGGYBACK RIDE RIGHT NOW! LATER, LAT, LATER, LATER. LOOK, I'VE GOT THE COMPLETE MINT STAMP COLLECTION OF THE ELVIS COMMEMORATIVE. GREG STILL DOESN'T TALK. JUST LIKE AUNT SYL. SHE DIDN'T SAY DIDDLY-SQUAT UNTIL HER FIRST COMMUNION AND THEN YOU COULDN'T SHUT HER UP. HA HA. YA-DA-DA YA-DA-DA. RIGHT? YA-DA-DA YA-DA-DA, GREG. CAN YOU SAY YA-DA-DA YA-DA-DA? WILLIAM! HELLO, WILLIAM. AMBER, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. I'VE GROWN UP, WILLIAM. I CAN, ACTUALLY. AH, MY DAD NEEDS HELP WITH THE BAGS. BUT I NEED HELP TOO. SMELL ME, WILLIAM. IT'S OSION. [ Coughing ] IT CERTAINLY IS. LOOK, I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN UNCOMFORTABLE IN THE PAST, BUT GRT NEWS-- I'VE DONE ALL SECOND COUSINS CAN PROPAGATE. AMBER, YOU'RE VERY WEIRD. I CAN'T HELP IT. MY DARK SIDE. G T TO YOUR LEFT YOU WILL NOTICE THE CHILDREN'S RECREATION AREA. AND TO YOUR RIGHT, YOU WILL NOTICE A FULLY EQUIPPED HEATED POOL LOADED WITH WATER. THERE'S YOUR PARENTS. THERE'S YOUR FATHER. SAY HELLO. DO I HAVE TO? YOU BETTER THINK OF SOMETHING. HERE THEY COME. DOUGLAS, CAN YOU STOP THE CAR, PLEASE? THANKS. OH, GREAT DARLING! DOTTIE. KEVIN, GIVE YOUR MAMA A BIG KISS. THAT BOY, OWN. OH, CONNIE, AND YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL. OH, I LOVE YOU BOTH. WELL, COME ON, YOU TWO. SAY HELLO. THEY HADN'T SPOKEN IN A LONG TIME. SO GETTING THEM TO SAY HELLO IS LIKE GETTING RID OF A PIMPLE ON PROM NIGHT. H'LO. HELLO. SEE, THAT WASN'T SO HARD, WAS IT? AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT WAS. NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, I TAKE THE HELLO BACK. YOU KNOW YOUR FATHER. HE DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING HE SAYS. YEAH, EXCEPT IN MY CASE. SO, WHERE'S THE GUEST OF HONOR? MEEMA? OH, SHE'S LYING DOWN FOR HER AFTERNOON NAP. ARE YOU SURE SHE'S ASLEEP? WELL, YOU CAN NEVER BE SURE WITH THAT ONE. BUT I DID LOCK HER IN. NOW, WHAT DID I DO WITH THAT KEY? I THINK I'VE LOST IT. HERE WE GO. THIS WILL BE YOUR R AWHILE. I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR LAGOON VIEW AND YOUR TELEVISION SET WHICH IS CABLE COMPATIBLE WITH 105 CHANNELS. EXCEPT FOR SOME REASON IT DOESN'T GET CHANNEL 2. I DON'T KNOW WHY. CRAZY THING. HERE AT THE FABULOUS JAMESON PLAZA. THANK YOU. WELCOME. I JUST PUT SOME FRESH TOWELS IN YOUR BATHROOM. NOW, IF THERE'S ANYTHING YOU NEED, I'M DONNA. AND IF THERE'S ANYTHING YOU DON'T NEED, I'M STILL DONNA. THANK GOD WE'RE NOT AT THEIR FAMILY REUNION. OH, LOOK. HOW CLEVER. MARGARET AND MARK HAVE MADE UP A WHOLE ITINERARY. GOLF, TENNIS, VOLLEYBALL... 500-METER SWIM?! THE ONLY THING THEY LEFT OUT IS THE LUGE. BHONG, H THREE. Y 10:30 SUNDAY. OH, MY BACK IS HURTING JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. I'M GONNA NEED A CHIROPRACTOR. CONNIE, GET OFF THE PHONE! HE'S NOT HOME. WHERE ELSE WOULD HE A FRIDAY AFTERNOON? HE PROBABLY WENT TO THE MOVIES WITH ENKINS. THE FIRST TIME I SAW HER IT WAS LIKE A FANTASY. A MIST-FILLED VISION. OH, THE REAL FUN BEGINS IN 15 MINUTES AT THE FAMILY RECEPTION. IN AN INSTANCE THE VISION WAS GONE AND SO WAS THE MIST. JUST PUT A BULLET IN ME NOW. IT'S YOUR FAMILY. THE DOOLEYS-- A PROUD AND PROSPEROUS CLAN, WHO OVER THE CENTURIES FELL INTO TWO CATAGORIES-- CROOKS AND LAWYERS. AND THE OCCASIONAL DISGRUNTLED POSTAL WORKER. EVERY YEAR, MY AUNT KATE WOULD RECOUNT THE STORIES OF EVERY GENERATION IN MINUTE DETAIL. LD RADITION FOL OF MAKING SHADOW PUPPETS WHILE SHE TALKED. THEN IN 1668, EZEKIEL DOOLEY BECAME THE FIRST DOOLEY TO REACH AMERICA ABOARD THE PRISON SHIP OGLETHORPE, LANDING IN THE PENAL COLONY IN GEORGI HIS SON, ZACHARIAH, CARRIED ON THE FAMILY TRADITION BY BEING THE FIRST PERSON IN THE ORIGINAL 13 COLONIES TO BE CONVICTED OF HORSE THEFT. WHAT AN INCREDIBLE FAMILY HISTORY. I'M SWELLING WITH PRIDE. MAKES ME WANT TO GO OUT AND HOLD UP A CONVENIENCE STORE. THAT'S NOT FUNNY. NO. IT'S GENETIC. NOW, AS I LOOK OUT AMONG OUR EVER-GROWING CLAN, I AM FILLED WITH PRIDE AND JUST A TOUCH OF SADNESS. OH, GOD. I HOPE SHE DOESN'T DO THE "I ONLY WISH I HAD CHILDREN" SPEECH. I ONLY WISH THAT I COULD HAVE HAD CHILDREN. IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'LL BE FINE. ANYWAY... YOU SEE, YOU ARE ALL EN. AND THAT'S WHY I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO SPENDING SOME TIME WITH EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU THIS YEAR AS WE CELEBRATE A DOOLEY MILESTONE-- OUR MEEMA'S 100th BIRTHDAY! KNOCK IT OFF! SIT DOWN.