The Exes S2E9 - English Transcript

Good morning. Isn't it the most beautiful morning? Excuse me, ma'am, but do we know you? If you're trying to imply that I've been locked in my apartment with a man, having an insane amount of sex-- guilty. Look at you all giddy and girly. We usually only get that look from Stuart. Holly, I gotta tell you, it's great to see you happy. Oh, I'm more than happy. I know it's only been a few weeks, but I think Paul and I might be in love. - Oh, good for you. - Wow. And, listen, I speak for all of us when I say, "It's high time we met your beau. " I agree with grandma. Let's meet this guy. Yeah, tonight. Bring him by for a drink. You're right. It's time the most important man in my life meets the most important men in my life. - You guys are gonna love him. - Oh, come on. If you like him, we'll like him. Thanks. If she likes him, there's something wrong with him. No doubt. That woman's the worst man-picker in the world. That's why I would never be a woman. Oh. You'd have to trust men. But-but, tonight we're gonna check this guy out. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I'm thinking bacon wrapped scallops with asparagus tips and shaved parmesan. What does that have to do with anything? Well, he might turn out to be a creep, but there's no reason our manners shouldn't sparkle. Well, I'm gonna give Paul a thorough background check. You happen to be in the presence of a licensed Internet detective. I was first in my class at you-too-can-be-a-***. com. Just call us the exes Hey, so what'd you dig up on Paul? Turns out there are in the Tristate area. If I'm gonna do a thorough background check, I'm gonna need DNA. And you know what that means. You distract him while I scrape his tongue. Yeah, you know what? I'm not doing that. All right, well, I'll just go old school, and get his fingerprints off a glass. Well, well. I'm gonna find out what this guy's about the way my dad did with my sister's dates. The key is in the stare. How's that work? Okay, scallops are almost ready. It's my very own recipe. Is it? It's your very own recipe, huh? You wouldn't be trying to pull one over on me, now would you, son? All right, fine. I got it from the Michael Voltaggio cookbook. See? No one gets by the stare. Well, listen. You know how I'm gonna find out if Paul's right for Holly? I'm gonna ask about his mother. Because if you can't love your mother, you can't love another. - Oh, hi. - Hi. Guys, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend Paul. My boyfriend Paul, I'd like you to meet Haskell, Phil and Stuart. Guys, my boyfriend Paul. Hi. In case you didn't catch that, I'm her boyfriend Paul. Well, thanks for having me over. I'm glad I'm finally meeting you guys. I brought some wine. Oh, let me get some glasses. Wasn't that thoughtful of Paul? Well, my mom taught me to never show up empty-handed. Ah, your mother, huh? Ah, you two close? She was my best friend. Until she passed. Yeah, yeah, but before that. Things were good? Uh, uh, Phil, you and Paul have a lot in common. You both like golf. Is that right, Paul? You're into golf? Golf's your game, huh, son? Yeah, I love the game. I get out whenever I can. Well, which one is it, Paul? Do you love the game, or do you get out whenever you can? Or is love just a word you throw around? Well, I, uh, I mean, well, I thought I loved the game. I enjoy putting. We have wine. Here we go. Holly, there's one for you. And Phil, there's one for you there. And I've got mine. Andhere's yours. Uh, could we have one without Haskell's fist in it? No, it's okay. I'd like to propose a toast. To Holly, the most won-- Oh, you got some fingerprints on your glass! Let me get you another. Crap! Okay, hope you're hungry. Hors d'oeuvres. Oh, I'm starved. Oh, scallops. I really can't. What do you mean, you can't? Well, I just never got a taste for them. Mom called them bottom feeders. She's gone, Paul. Have a scallop. The man said no. Look, could we just try to make our guest feel comfortable? Shall we? - Ow! - Got it. You had a gray hair. You're welcome. You know, uh, I'm just gonna call it a night, it was nice meeting you all. You mean it, Paul? Do you really mean it? No, not really. Holly. What the hell's wrong with you guys? Are you crazy? How could you be so rude to my boyfriend Paul? Where did that come from? So, what do you think? If I wasn't pregnant and was a guy, I'd totally tap that. Really? You mean it? Oh, yeah. So where exactly is Paul taking you tomorrow? I don't know. He just said that it was a great party, and it's a surprise. I'll get it. Hi, Eden. Holly, it's the three guys who tried to destroy your life. Tell them I'm not here. Come on, we know we screwed up. Yeah, we just are here to apologize. How could you guys treat Paul like that? Do you know how hard it was for her to find someone like him? At her age? This could be the last train out of the station. Last gas before freeway. I mean, the woman is on final markdown. No offer too low. Everything must go. - We're are talking-- - All right, all right, Eden. I'll take it from here. I mean it. She's past her expiration date. Okay, thank you. What were you guys thinking? Look, we may have been a little overzealous. We--we were just trying to find out more about Paul. Yeah, and let's be honest, you haven't been the best man-picker in the past. Look, we're sorry. So am I. I made a mockery of everything you-too-can-be-a-***. Com stands for. Well, the person you really should be apologizing to is Paul. - All right. - You got it. Well, but, I mean, you forgive us? Yeah, well, come on. You know me. I don't hold grudges. I'm not a vindictive person. Ooh! Huh. Turns out I am a vindictive person. Oh, he's here, guys. He's here. Hey, hey Paul, thanks for meeting us, man. Uh, have a seat. Yeah, can I get you a drink? I'm good. So what do you guys want? Uh, listen, Paul. We know why you're mad. And you have every right to be. What we're trying to say is that we're really sorry. We were just trying to look out for Holly. Yeah, we just went about it all wrong. Yeah, you did. But I appreciate the apology. And the truth is, that I'm glad that Holly has friends that care about her so much. So you're cool? Yeah, I'm cool. It's just too bad. What's too bad? Had things gone well last night, I was planning on inviting you guys to a party De Niro's having at his loft tomorrow night. De Niro? As in Robert De Niro? That's the one. He was a client at my old firm, and we got close. And it's being catered by that celebrity chef. What's his name? Michael Vol-- Voltaggio, Voltaggio, Voltaggio! - Voltaggio. - Voltaggio! Michael Voltaggio! He's a culinary God. That's the guy. And they're inviting a bunch of Victoria's secret models. Paul, I feel like we've gotten off on the wrong foot. But now that we're a band of brothers, do you think that you could find it in your heart, to get us in? I'm just messing with you guys. There's no party. - We deserved it. - Yeah, we had it coming. - Definitely had that coming. - Had it coming. I'm just messing with you guys. There is a party. Yes! But I can only take one of you. I'm just messing with you. There is a party and you're all invited. Holly's right. You are fun. Victoria's secret! Well, I'm ready to meet some supermodels. I'm shaved, waxed, plucked and perfumed. You trying to meet one or become one? Huh? Still can't believe I'm meeting Michael Voltaggio tonight. Yo, poppin' fresh. What's all this stuff? Well, just a few things for Michael to sign. I was gonna bring more, but I don't want to come off as a creepy fanboy. Well, you do. Put that stuff away. You're gonna embarrass us. Haskell, what do you have there? Uh, it's a screenplay, for De Niro, I've been working on. He's the only one with the charisma and the chops to pull off the lead. - Who's he play? - Me. It's a semi-autobiographical film called Dial M For Mother. Hey, guys, nothing personal, but when we get to the party, you don't know me. Hey, Haskell, let me get my party pass. - Oh, yeah. - I don't have 'em. - What are you talking about? - What? Paul said he was gonna have them messengered over from his apartment. Yeah, well, I haven't seen 'em. I thought one of you signed for 'em. Paul's not answering his phone. Why isn't he answering his phone? If I don't meet Michael Voltaggio, I'm gonna die! The passes are probably still at his apartment. So why don't you head over there while Haskell and I wait here for the messenger? - Good, good, good. - Great, great. That'll give me a chance to tweak the ending. I'm not quite sure how mother dies. I have 20 different scenarios, all of them satisfying. Who is it? Oh, hi, it's a friend of Paul's. Hi. Oh, I'm sorry. Am I in the right place? - Does Paul Thompson live here? - He sure does. Can I help you? Huh? Uh, yeah, uh, Paul was supposed to messenger over some party passes, but they never arrived. That's Paul. He can be pretty forgetful. Oh, he definitely forgot to mention a few things. - Come in. - Mm-hmm. Uh, let me look for those passes. Okay. Found 'em. You know, this looks a lot like a wedding photo of you and Paul. Really? What gave it away? The gown, the tux, or the engraving that says "Our wedding day"? Okay. Uh, thank you. Uh, see ya. Should I mention to Paul you stopped by? Oh, don't worry. He's gonna hear it from me. Look at the beautiful babies. Look at the beautiful babies! I'll see you guys up there. Finally! - You got the passes? - We have a problem. You don't have the passes? Yes, I have the passes. Then we don't have a problem. Paul's married. What do you mean "married"? Married, married. As in I went to his apartment to get the passes, and I met his wife. Are you sure it was his wife? Yes, I'm sure. I saw their wedding photos. Oh, man. She's gonna be devastated. I know, I know. Well, the sooner we tell her, the better, and she's on her way over here with Paul. So this thing ends here and now. Uh, she's gonna need us. Soguess we can forget about the party. - Yeah. - La, la, la, la, la. Let's not be hasty. I mean, we could tell her now. But why? Men on death row have a last meal. Why shouldn't she have a last party? You make a good point, Haskell. Yeah, we should put on a brave face, and let Holly have her night. We should do this for Holly. No, no. We must do this for Holly. So you two have no problem going to a party, knowing that your friend is on the arm of a married man? You selfish-- Michael Voltaggio. It's him, that's him. Michael! Hey, Michael! Uh, hey, man. What's cooking? Uh, you are! I love you. So, Stuart, you were saying? I was saying we've got to do the right thing, and tell Holly. - Oh. - All right. - Right after the party. - Yay! Oh. - Oh - Gentlemen, we have arrived. I got to find Bobby D. If my blueprints are accurate, the den is That way. Ho, baby girl, baby girl, baby girl, baby girl! Totally recognize her. She was on the cover of last month's Cosmo. You read Cosmo? Female orgasms don't just happen. Well, they happen tonight. Excuse me. How you doing? I'm bored. Amuse me. Okay, let me get this straight. You think just because you're incredibly hot, I'm here to entertain you? 'Cause I am. Michael Jackson leg kick. Bow! You're funny. Meet me on the patio in five minutes. You can make out with me and my girlfriend. Hee hee hee Excuse me. Would you like to try one of these? Uh, smoked salmon scallion waffle with horseradish snow, page 73 of your latest cookbook? Okay. So you're a fan, huh? Yeah. Hey, how'd you like to see the kitchen? You mean, I could watch you cook? You can help me cook. I got to work the room first. I'll grab you when I'm ready. Yeah, okay, okay. I met him. I met him. You met De Niro? His body double's cousin. He's getting me an intro. I'm about to cook with Michael Voltaggio. Oh, yeah, well, I'm about to have me a supermodel sundae with Phil on top. Excuse me. Hey, guys. Can you believe where we are? And it's all because of my boyfriend Paul. Isn't he the best? I'll get us something to drink. Okay. Oh, you know, I don't think I could be any happier than I am at this moment. At this amazing party with the man I love and my three best friends. I just wanted to say that even though I was angry about the other day, deep down I was touched that you guys were looking out for me, that I always have three brothers who have my back. - I'd like to propose a toast. - Oh! To who? Your wife? You married ***. - What are you talking about? - Yeah, yeah. I went to Paul's apartment to pick up our party passes, and his wife answered the door. Tell 'em they're crazy. Why aren't you telling them they're crazy? I can explain. Explain! Oh, my God, there's something to explain! No, no, Holly. The woman Stuart met is my ex-wife. We each got half of the apartment in the divorce. But if either of us moves out before we sell, the other can stake a claim to the place. I'd lose a fortune. But it's a big apartment, and we live completely separate lives. Uh-huh. I never want to see you again. "Go away. I don't want to talk about it. " Naw, she doesn't mean that. "I mean it. Go away. " She's probably not even here. "I'm in the bedroom. Bring the rest of the pizza. " Holly? You in here? Put the pizza down. And don't tell me everything's gonna be okay. Holly, come on out. Oh, okay. You guys were right. I'm a bad man-picker. I'm so embarrassed. I feel like such an idiot! Don't. This time I think you picked a good one. - A good one? - Yeah. He's living with another woman. Yeah, but it's his ex-wife. Look, Holly. I lived over Lorna's garage for six months, before you found me the apartment with these guys. It's hard to make a clean break. I mean, Margo and I still have a half-stake in a vending machine at a gas station. We're still in each other's lives when it comes to condoms, combs, and lady things. Oh, I got thrown out, so this wasn't an issue. Even if he has a reason for living with his ex, I can't believe he didn't tell me. How am I ever gonna trust him again? You're gonna have to take a leap of faith. And, yeah, sure, there's a chance you're gonna get your heart broken again. But guess what? This guy may be worth it. Hi. Hi. Holly, I'm so sorry. I know I messed up. I should have told you sooner. Then why didn't you? Things between us happened so fast. And the closer we got, the happier I was the more afraid I got of losing you. But not as afraid as I am right now. Okay, here's the deal. Never ever hide anything from me again. Cause I'll find out. And if I don't, the three guys in my bedroom will. I will kick your ***, man! Deal. - I'm so sorry. - I know. And to show you that nothing means more to me than your happiness, I moved out of the apartment and checked in in a hotel. Are you crazy? You're giving the place to her? A huge corp on Central Park West? What kind of lawyer are you? He, he, hey, where are you going? To move my boyfriend back in with his ex wife.