Ideal S4E2 - English Transcript

A smoking ban in my own home. Hello, Moz. Hello, Dad. WOMAN: Clitoral and vaginal though it may be, it's just sex. I'm not even vaguely joining your gang. Yesyouare. CH has fallen in love. He's gone soft. (SHRIEKS) Sorry. You will do as you are told. SOFT THUD You all right? Yeah Life is in this flat is so much nicer without Moz here. GENTLE, ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC Have you got a sense of impending doom? Well, not until you mentioned it. A lot of people get impending doom just before they pass away. MOBILE PHONE RINGS Why don't you just *** off and die?! That was my ex. (PANTING) Nikki. I won't deny there were other women. But I realise now my only true love was you . . and Tanya . . Fat Suzie . . and possibly that girl at Otisfield Bus Depot. Thanks. That'slovely to know. STEADY HEARTBEAT Moz? Moz! (ECHOING) Can you hear me, Moz? What did the hospital report say? Just, you know, superficial flesh wound. They only agreed to keep him in overnight cos I had that tantrum. DOOR CLOSES MOZ: Nikki? BOTH: ***! THEME MUSIC I still don't understand why you made them keep me in overnight. We can't be too careful. What's the matter? Just worried about you. So you should be. I had to eat an hospital breakfast. Scrambled MSRA on toast and tea. Strong enough to dissolve coins in. Oh, well. You're home now, eh? Ow! Mind my wound! FAST-PACED FUNKY MUSIC 'Are you OK?' AhI Yeah, yeah. I'm good, ta. Are you getting dressed or undressed? Dressed. Dressed. I'm getting dressed. Why were you undressed? I got a, um . . wasp . . trapped in my uniform. I had to take everything off. Did you get it? Yeah, yeah. Whacked it with my baton. No offence intended. None taken. Sorry. Oi! (BLOWS) What about our smoking ban? OUR smoking ban? I've never banned it in my life. You know me. If it feels good, do it today. Can't you take a hint? Two visits to Accident and Emergency in the last 24 hours. Chest pains? Stabbing? Cigarettes aren't going to stab me. You're saying I can't smoke anywhere in my own home? Not in toilet, not leaning out the window, not a crafty one at wardrobe? Nought? No. What about designated exercise periods when I'm permitted to wander the city unshackled? I can't watch you 24 hours a day. No. But I bet you're working on it. Wouldn't be surprised if I found a webcam hidden in my lighter. WHIMSICAL ELECTRONIC MUSIC Where are you going? I'm going for a walk. I may be some time. I'm going to do 20 puff-ups. Moz! Oh! I just wanted another look at your photo. The one of you before the mask. I'll be very careful with it Thank you! Sorry. (SIGHS HAPPILY) SUSPENSEFUL ELECTRONIC MUSIC Wow! Look at you two! Nikki, Jem. Jem, Nikki. Nice to meet you. Oh, isn't he scrummy? We're going to Retro X-treme. It's a '70s night, yeah, but it's done like a '70s night would have been done in the '80s. Hey, put some flares on and come with. Only if it's '60s bar prices. We're doing a tribute act. Travoltered States. No, we just need to chill. Ta. I'll come. Entrance is '70s fancy dress only. D-I-S-C-O. Hm. Clocked up any more heart attacks recently? No. But I have had this stabbing pain. Shall we get going, then? You only want to go so you can smoke on the way there and back. Give me my wig. Come on, you. Let's get going. We'll let you two decide what you want to do. Oi, Danny Zuko. I want to stick around and see if this argument kicks off. (It's none of our business. ) Duh. That's its USP. DOOR CLOSES First it's a smoking ban, now there's a curfew. I tell you what, why don't I put on an orange jumpsuit and you can go and sit up in a machine gun turret? All I'm asking is you give yourself one month to recuperate. I can remember when I were a free man with nobody telling me what to do. I can remember when this used to bemy flat! GENTLE ACOUSTIC MUSIC Carry something in, you lazy git. (PANTING) Hey, toasted sandwich maker. It'll be like living in a hotel. You know me, I don't come in most nights. I'll probably hardly ever be here. You were right. There are two beds. ***. Bags the top bunk. What's that smell? What smell? (SNIFFS DEEPLY) That smell. Our very own pad, eh? Nobody to bother us. KNOCK ON DOOR Hello, matey. Is Russell in? Who? Russell. 6'9", blue Mohican. He must have moved out, cos I think we would have noticed him. Well, I'm Derek. Can you sell us an eighth? I'm not a dealer. Russell was a dealer and this is a dealer's flat. Domicile doesn't decide job. If you live here you deal hash. You'llfind out. What? You brought your own wellies? Oh, yeah. I'm just off to this allotment. My uncle died and left it to us. What on earth would I want with an allotment? (LAUGHS) I'll see you, matey. Apparently the previous tenant worked in herbal supplies. (HOLDING HIS BREATH) Did he now? Imagine being a dealer. Idiots coming round all day long. (SIGHS) Drive me up the wall. KNOCK ON DOOR Who are you and how can we help? I'm on detention. Is Russell in? No. Russell and his cottage industry have moved out. And I'm not selling weed. I'm smelling weed. This is purely for personal abuse. I've gotta go back and finish remedial maths. Sell us a fifteenth. Sorry, son. (EXHALES) I'll swap you this for one spliff. Deal. Oh See you. MERRY ACCORDION MUSIC Come on. I'll give you a quick game then we can get unpacked. (CHUCKLES) MUSIC INTENSIFIES RADIO: Your Inspiral Carpets in session tonight. I've got a letter here from Moz in Salford Yay! It says, "Dear John, by the time you read this I'll have moved into a brand new pad with my best mate, Phil Collins. " Surely not the name he was christened with. Any chance of helping us celebrate with a top tune? And as if by magic, this is The Fall. ROCK MUSIC STARTS Nicely, nicely! HE TURNS THE MUSIC OFF Oi! He's playing that for us! Why did you put my full name? It's your name - Phil Collins. Don't be ashamed, though. Oh, is that rightMorris? Why didn't you put PC? Everybody calls me PC! Your mum doesn't. My mum's hardly going to be listening to Peel, is she? PC makes you sound like you're a police constable. *** off! Now, excuse me MUSIC STARTS UP . . while I enjoy The Mormons. I'm going for some ***. HEAVY GUITAR SOLO Behind the counter KNOCK ON DOOR Hi. This is Cassandra. Hello, hon. Ain't she stunning? I'm just nipping out. I got no time Blimey. It's Mr Motivator. I'm dancing, Brian. Just had a dedication read out on John Peel. Oh, top on. Moz, Cassandra. Cassandra, Moz. Hello, hon. What's up with the Incredible Sulk? Oh, they won't let him play drums on the new Genesis album. Could I use your bathroom facilities? My bathroom is your slave. Thanks, hon. You have dated some belters, Brian. But if I were you I'd stick with this one. You can't top trust fund tottie. How can I settle down when there's still so many gorgeous girls I haven't dumped yet? Well, when you dump this one, I'll be there if she needs a shoulder to put her head on. It don't even have to be my shoulder. She has a got a nice ***. And I am dead big on ***. (SIGHS) It took me ages to find this place. Ooh, bunk beds. You two boys will have fun on there. And I love this green. Oh, well. Good for now. Wouldn't want to get stuck here, though. Mm. Decided where we're going? How about the Hacienda? I'm not going tonight. It's Flesh. Flesh? It's a gay night. Spending the evening with other sweaty benders gyrating around me is not my idea of fun. I tend to judge men on where they put their brain, not where they put their ***. (GIGGLES) Bye, hon. See you, Brian. Oh, you've cheered up. Look who I just bumped into. Hey! Hi, bro. You didn't tell us you were moving? Didn't ask. So how's our kid? Must have slipped my mind. (SNIFFS) Gold top, man. It could sleep three, this place. No, it couldn't. We haven't got triple-decker bunk beds. (SNIFFS) Reeks a bit, though, doesn't it? SIREN WAILS (BREATHES IN AND OUT) Nah, you're sorted, man. You're God amongst men opposite. (What did you bring him back for?) You know I didn't want him knowing my new address. Soz, Moz. Must be slipped my mind I've spent my whole life trying to escape from Troy. And nothing will convince me to spend another second with him. Right. (BREATHES IN) I've got E's. (BREATHES OUT) I've got whizz. Ah And I got coke Who's coming out raving with us? ROCKS BY PRIMAL SCREAM PLAYS Come on! I'll get them beers. Oh, what's that smell? Don't worry. It's probably just blocked drains. Time to skin up a doobie, I think. Junkies keep scoring Trade is on a meat rack Strip joints full of hunchbacks *** keep *** Clap just keep itching What did you say your name was? Nikki. And you're Moz, right? What's that short for? Nought. And you areCartoon Face. Head. Cartoon Head. Get 'em off downtown Get your rocks off Get your rocks off, honey Shake it now now Get 'em off downtown Cheers, then. Cheers. So when did you say you're leaving this dump for your new place? This IS the new place. Oh, right. Right. TRIPPY ELECTRONIC MUSIC I've never been to Manchester before. You're going to love it. It's the London you can eat between meals. Looking for a bog, fella? By the front door. You can't miss it. Whatever you do mop up after yourself. Where did you pick him up from? Euro Disney? I wouldn't have thought he'd be your style. I thought you'd be looking for something slightly more . . roomy. Don't, please. I only met you an hour ago. I know, but you know We're all loved up. I'm not that loved up. I'm going to finish this and walk home. I'll walk you back? Oh, it's too far. I don't mind. It's three miles. Don't mind. And when you get there there isn't the faintest possibility that I'll sleep with you or even invite you in so then it's like a three-mile walk back. I don't mind. I prefer yours. Really? I think I prefer yours. Hiya I'm, uh, going to walk Sangita home. Do you mind if I stay here for a bit? Really? Of course. I'll see you tomorrow. (HIGH-VOICED) Enjoy your walk. I suppose that'sblown the moment. Hey. But what about Danger Mouse? Cartoon Head? Cartoon Head! Let's see what he looks like without the mask. (GRUNTS) It's weird. It's completely stuck to his face. Never mind him. HARDCORE TECHNO MUSIC I saw you dancing . . and I knew you'd be good in bed. (GASPING) This is a couch. I'm even better in bed. (GASPS) And you won't believe what I can do on a pool table. We've only got bunk beds, so I honestly think you can tell what somebody's like in bed by the way they dance. I started off with one-handed pogo . . and developed it from there. I will never . . stop . . going clubbing. And I promise . . I won't either. Cross my heart . . and hope to die. TECHNO MUSIC INTENSIFIES FLY ZIPS UP INSISTENT RAPPING ON DOOR Are you ignoring that? (PANTING) Ignoring what? RAPPING CONTINUES BOTH: Oh! Send three of the lads, lots of dogs. Scratch that. He's just opened up. Oh, it's you, Cartoon Head. FLY ZIPS UP My name's Stemroach. And you would be? I'm the man who would be Moz. I'd like us to be friends, Moz. Solet's not get off on the wrong foot by me having to kill you. I'm not worthy. And what would the landlord say? Cleaning bills, the noise Plus time's knocking on now anyway. Is everything all right? CH, perhaps you'd take the young lady for a drink. Hey! She has nought to do with this! Nothing to do with what? I'm not exactly sure. So how do you know she's nought to do with it? DOOR OPENS I'll see you again, Nikki. Don't bank on it. Now show me the weed. I'm not a dealer. Russell, he were the dealer. I know. It was me what supplied him. Till he did a runner with my money. CH caught up with him, Piccadilly Station toilets. Kicked him ugly. Little bit too ugly. But he never said what he'd done with my bin bag of weed. If I had it, I'd give it to you. But I'm just an ordinary bloke. Honestly. You'd be hard pressed to find anybody who's got a bad word to say about me. You're a total ***. What's the idea of everyone running off without us? Well, you know - four blokes, three girls. Needed to reduce the odds. We could have all got it together, you selfish git. There's no 'I' in ***. There's no 'U' in ***, either. Who are you? I'm bad news, son. THUD Are you going to show me what you're doing with that bin bag of skunk weed? You've got a bin bag full of skunk? Holding out on me again. I'm gagging for a smoke. Come on, then, you greedy git. Crack open your bin bag. I haven't got a bin bag! There is no skunk weed in this house! (SNIFFS) Yes, there is. (SNIFFS DEEPLY) It's up there. HARDCORE TECHNO MUSIC Ah! My *** head, man! They do say large amounts of weed affects your sense of balance. Right, then. Looks like I won't have to dump your bodies in the levy after all. So if you pass us my coat I'll leave you girls to it. SINISTER MUSIC Wow. ***! You've got a gun, man. Wrong, son I've got two guns. So drop it or I shoot you through the face. OK, OK. Just saying. Nice *** gun, man. I mean, they're both nice guns. Drop it. Drop it now. I'm trying, but my hand's all tensed up, man. I can't let go. I'm trying, but I can't! Jesus, Troy. Have you been on Bostick again? Troy, Moz and me would both like you to drop the gun. Fact. GUN FIRES Now, see what you've done (GRUNTS) . . ***! I thought I was never gonna get rid of that. Say goodnightson. No. It was an accident! It was just mental, really, wasn't it? Please. He's my brother. THUD What a *** buzz, man. GENTLE ACOUSTIC MUSIC MOZ: I tried to smoke as much as I could, but with a bag that size it just didn't make economic sense. In the end, we had to stand in. My first night in Manchester. Jesus. I saved our Troy's life. I've replayed that moment in my head a thousand times. Don't know why. Can't change the past. I'm going to get ready for bed. Nikki? Do you fancy changing my dressing? KNOCK ON DOOR DRAMATIC MUSIC Stemroach. (WITH MACHINE VOICE) Some lads from the Low Triad where seen coming round here yesterday. Are you working for Low, Morris? No. The only reason they comeround was because they'd seen you lot coming here. You've all got the wrong end of each other's sticks. So they're just your mates, like? No. They They asked me to spy on you lot. That it? And they stabbed me so I won't forget. Well, now, I'm telling you to spy on the Low Triad for me. Now, do you think you'll remember that or would you prefer Paul to stab you? I'll remember. Good. Because you owe me, Moz. You'll always owe me. Forever and ever and ever. And ever! Shut up. THWACK THEME MUSIC To me, you represent sex. Nothing else. That was really good. Why is it so heavy? Because of the weight. Why have you forsaken me? Where have you gone, Lord? I'm all about the dancing, me. You and Cartoon Head are an item? Yes. Is that so bizarre? Closed Captions by CSI