Count Arthur Strong S1E1 - English Transcript

1 Well, what a lovely looking bunch you are. What a lovely looking lot. You'll like this. I usually like to sleep in the nude. Which is usually absolutely fine, apart from on those long flights. 'I went to the doctor the other day, I said, 'I need something for persistent wind. 'He gave me a kite.' I didn't know my father. He was someone who dropped by on weekends. Some weekends. There are literally millions of people out there better qualified to write a book about him. Can't you get me out of it? I could make some calls, if you're willing to give back the advance. Er No. Who's this? That, my love, is Arthur Strong, your father's old comedy partner. Dad was in a double act? You see, I didn't even know that. You just need to research your dad's life as you would with anything else. You say you didn't know him. This man did, for a start. He might have a story to tell. BUZZER GLASS SMASHES You rang the bell. I did. Arthur Strong? I've broken a plate because of you. Sorry. I'm Michael Baker. That was dishwasher-safe, that was. Sorry about that. Michael Baker, Max Baker's boy. Come on in then, I've unplugged it. Unplugged? There it is. There it is. It's never worked properly, the bloody thing. What is it? What do you mean, what is it? Just, what is it? There is really no other way of saying it. I don't know what it is. It's a foot spa. Oh, right. You know, a spa for your feet. You know what a spa is, don't you? It's where you go to relax, and have towel dressing gowns and a bar. It's like that, except your feet go to it. And there's no bar. How are you going to fix it if you don't know what it is? How does that work? Sorry, I think I'm Michael Baker, Max Baker's boy. Oh, what does he want? Sent you round to apologise, has he? Couldn't face me in person? Just like him, mean-spirited, nasty little man. No, Arthur, he's dead. Is he? It wasn't me, if that's why you've come round. We got on like a house on fire. Shouldn't you have a warrant? I'm Michael, I'm his son. And they've put you on the case?! That's rather unorthodox. I'm not a policeman. I'm just his son. You're little Michael! So you remember me? We've met? We did indeed. Last time I saw you, you burst into tears and urinated. Really? I hope you've put that sort of thing behind you. Yes. That was the old me. I'm not clearing all that up, you can get that straight right now. No, no. I'm a fully grown man now. That doesn't make any difference, you see them going behind Tesco's when the pubs chuck out. Was in the papers. I don't really want to I don't care what your excuse is, if you need to go, you go on the toilet in this house like everybody else does. Or in the shower if you can't get out fast enough. Here. What is this? For the toilet. I don't need the toilet. Why would I need these? Obviously to conceal any incidental noise one might make in the execution of an unexpected bombing mission. Could I take you out for lunch? I'd love to talk to you about something. I tell you what, I'd love a bit of lunch and to talk to you about something. Great. Grab the foot spa. I'll just put me trousers on! £2.60, and a tip, yes? For service. What? The service was good, yes? Was there a problem with the service? Not at all. So there is no change. This is the tip, the tip is 40p. Of course. Thank you very much, goodbye. Goodbye, goodbye. Actually, I'm an author. I thought your name was Michael. It is. I'm an Arthur. Arthur Strong. Oh! No, no. I'm an author. I'm an Arthur? What are you talking about? I've been asked if I will write a book about my dad. Biography, memoir, sort of thing. Oh, what? What do you want? Good afternoon. One of your all-day breakfasts, please. I don't know why, but number one seems to be beckoning me today. Number one, please, with fried bread and baked beans. So number four? Yes, you can do it that way as well. Yes. Katya, my Polish princess. Hello, Arthur! Katya, what have I told you about wearing eye shadow in my presence? If you're not careful, I'll end up chasing you around that table. I shall let you catch me if you're not careful. Ho-ho! Oh, dear. Ha-ha-ha. Then what? Yes? Nothing for me, thanks. Just a cup of tea. Two teas. What? I don't know, I was only going to have one. Are you having two teas? What? Do you want two teas? They must be doing an offer. Buy one, get one free or something. Two teas? No. Just one tea. Sorry. I have a foot spa. I tell you what, I will have two teas. Go on then, I'll support your new enterprise. Two teas. So, you wanted to meet me because we both have the same name. We don't have the same name. My name is Michael. I'm an au I'm a writer. Oh, a writer, eh? Ho-ho-ho! And what books have you Arthured? Sorry! What books have you Michaeled? ARTHURED! AUTHORED! I don't think you've probably heard of it. Go on, try me. Well, my best-known work is called Museums: Their Conscience, Our Conscience. The Daily Telegraph described my attention to detail as bordering on the ***. Is that a good thing? I chose to take it as a good thing, yes. So how come your dad was a funny man, some might say? And you went on to write books about *** museums? I don't really know. To be honest, Arthur, Dad and I never really saw eye to eye. A-ha! So you want me to help you put the boot in. Is that it? Hatchet job. It mustn't be a hatchet job, I just want the truth. That's why it's important for me to fill the gaps about the years that you worked together. Not looking to settle any scores. Working with your father was a bloody nightmare from beginning to end. Ha-ha! Great. All right, John? Have you heard about the teas offer? What teas offer? Bulent's doing a special offer, two teas for the price of one. Is he? That's what he told me. I'm having two. All right? Can I have two teas? Two teas. There's a service for friends and family tomorrow, if you're about. Tomorrow? That is very inconvenient. Are you sure? Quite sure. I shall have to move some things around. Eggy! Eggy! You owe me a pound. You owe me a pound. I owe you a pound, don't I, Arthur? Yes, you do. Don't you try and wriggle out of it. GLASS SMASHES THEY CHEER Arthur, are you going to Kempton tomorrow? Are you going to Kempton? You, when is Max's party? Tomorrow. It's not a party, it's more of a remembrance thing because he's dead. That is very inconvenient. I was looking forward to going to Kempton. You've only just heard about it. You can look forward to things you've only just heard about. Like if you turn on the telly, and they say the Hairy Bikers is just finishing. No, no, no. I won't be coming. Two teas. Thank you very much. Although, thinking about it, Bulent, they shouldn't both come at the same time. One of them will go cold. How else would I bring them? I don't know. Why are you asking me? It is your initiative, isn't it? How do people normally have them? Every day, this. Every day. The special offer! What special offer? There is no special offer. I think that's my tea. Do you know, it strikes me you've begun this enterprise in a very cavalier fashion. It's a right shambles. Just leave it. I will have them both at once. I'm getting a little bit fed up with this now. Every day. He's not thought that through, has he? I think that's my tea. Oh! Sorry. These napkins are useless. Look at them. He's a tight sod, Bulent. There are barely big enough to wipe your bottom on. It's a heck of a job. I tell you what, you should come back to mine after. I've got some old photos from those days. I expect you will want to see my Memory Man act. I do this thing where I remember things. I've got an extraordinary memory. Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmases. You name it. I can remember it. There you go, Arthur. £1. What's that for? He's actually kind of amazing. You're right, he's just what the book needs. Get through all this crap about Dad, get to the truth. Do be careful it doesn't turn into a hatchet job. Why does everybody say that? And you've invited him to the remembrance service? He sounds like the kind of person who might ruin it. Really? That thought hadn't occurred to me at all. At the same time? What the flip? You asked for two teas, I bring them. I didn't know they'd come at the same time. That's what I said to him. He's not thought that through. What's the point of two teas at the same time? I don't know. Don't ask me. Don't interrogate me. I'm the one that is trying to make some sense of the whole affair. What have you got here? A foot spa. Top of the range. Are you interested? What are you asking? £11 to a friend. I tell you something, it's like you're walking on air when your feet come out of that. There is a lot of nonsense talked about water and electricity and plastic not going together. I'd like to try it first. Slip your shoes and socks off. Here, where's a socket? Don't tell Bulent, he'll try and charge us for the electric. Tight sod. I'll get some water for it. I'm feeling really positive, actually. Things are looking up. Oh, it's you. Don't need to get up, I just want the sink for the foot spa. You finish. Might be getting shot of the bloody thing at last. Things are looking up. You all right? Yes, sorry, you don't It's none of my business, but you don't need the apostrophe in chips. What? There's an apostrophe in chips, and you don't need it. It's plural. Oh, well, that's my brother's department. BULENT! Oh, God, no! Please don't. You should say something, he'd appreciate it. Really? Yes, he'd want to get it right. He'll thank you. What? You got the sign wrong. Well, not wrong, just Hi. It's just chips here has an apostrophe, and you don't need it. It's a plural so you don't need it. That's all. It's not a big thing. Oh, I see. So there is no need for this thing before the S? No. Oh, thank you so much! I am so embarrassed. You shouldn't be. All too common mistake. No, I am really embarrassed. In fact, why don't you run the cafe? Sorry? Here. Take this. Now you can write the sign and do the cleaning and cooking and dealing with all the things I have to deal with every day of my miserable life in this place where there ain't no sun! I don't want to run a cafe. I have an announcement. This man is the new owner of the cafe. What's your name? It's Michael. Michael. Everyone, say hello to Michael. ALL: Hello, Michael. Can I have a number four, please, Michael? No eggs. That's a number three! I'm not the new owner. It's just plurals don't need apostrophes. What's that smell? Do you smell that? What is that? FOOT SPA BUBBLES I can feel a tingling sensation. See? It's like having your feet in an angel. What is this?! I'll be with you in a moment, Bulent. We are conducting a business transaction. Get me another two teas. Sorry, John. Make that four teas. METAL CLANGING CLANGING STOPS SINGLE LOUD CLANG TOILET FLUSHES I'll leave all this here if you need it. Thank you. I can't believe you have this publicity shot. Oh, you know that one, then? I certainly do. He gave it to me for my 13th birthday. Signed like this and everything. Didn't even put my name on it. I'd forgotten about that, actually. It's a good one for the book. You ready, then? Well, that depends. What's going to happen? My Memory Man act. Oh, right. Yes. It's just This is why we broke up. I wanted to take the act in an exciting new direction and your father wasn't having it. Hang on, the light's not right. Switch that one off there, will you? Welcome, stranger. I am Count Arthur Strong, the Memory Man. And I can remember things that other people havereal difficulty with. My brain is an extraordinary, umorgan, isn't it? I'm sure you'll agree you'll have never seen, um, an organ like the one I've got. Many scholars have tested and prodded it, trying to find out just what is going on with me. I simply am an amazing organ. How are such feats of memory possible? Is he human? Now, you, um Michael? Michael. I know! Now, you, Michael, get to be as confused and disoriented as those selfsame scholars. I have here a pen and a piece of paper. I want you to write down on that piece of paper own choice in a random proportion. That's going to take forever. Better get on with it then, hadn't you? I'm not sure this act would particularly work. People would be sitting in silence for ages. Oh, shut up, Max. Michael. Well, start acting like a Michael, then, and a little bit less like a clever ***. Right, that's 99, I think. ARTHUR SNORES Arthur? Arthur! Wha? Oh, it's mine. In a moment, I will ask you to turn the paper round so that I can commit all 99 numbers to memory in the arbitrary sequence what you have written them down in. I will then reiterate to you your numerical string. Now, reveal to me the number conundrum. Oh. Oh, dear. Hang on a second. That's better. Bloody pitch black it was until then. How am I supposed to This bloody thing, isn't it? Eh? GLASS BREAKS, WATER SPLASHES Oh, no! It's all right. I've had him out for ten minutes before. Arthur, please come tomorrow. No, no, I've got Kempton. You'd be able to maybe say a few things. Eh? There'll be quite a few people there. What, more than, like, six? A proper audience? Proper audience. You'd be able to share all your thoughts about Dad, really give it to him. A proper send-off, that is. I'll think about it. Now shut up while I do this. Ahem-hem-hem. Eight, seven, six, four, three, two, seven, five, five, seven, one, five, five, seven, oh, seven, four, zero TALKS GIBBERISH Ooh! Oo-oo-ooh! The numbers you selected were, in chronological order, were two No. What? The first one's not two. Is it nine? No. One? No. Is it seven? No. You can't have numbers like 11 and 12, if that's what you're doing. They're all single digits, like you said. Eight. No. Four. No. Shall I tell you? No! Some Memory Man act that would be if you just told me what you'd bloody well written down. There's a skill to this, you know. It's not as easy as I make it look. What numbers haven't I said yet? THREE, five, six and zero. Zero. No. Six. No. What were the other ones? THREEand five. Five! No! Three! Correct! Hurray! That's some act! Oh, it's not over yet. Next number. Is it three again? No! Oh Dad hated this, right? Yes. Well, he won't be there tomorrow. All right, I'll come with you. Great. Eight! No. Oh. But who was Max Baker really? We all knew he was a funny man and life and soul of the party, but no matter how busy he was, he always had time for his family. We all had great respect for him for his comedy and he could steal a joke as well as anybody I knew. LAUGHTER And if there is a heaven, I believe Max is there at the bar waiting for somebody to get a round in. Thank you. The bloody thing will be over by the time we get in here. But Arthur, I cannot eat solids. Maybe there's soup. Excellent, excellent! Ah, everyone's here. You know Katya, John, Eggy. Hey up. Do you have soup? Soup? No. What kind of memorial doesn't have soup? I would say every memorial doesn't have soup. But I cannot eat solids. Well, have a sandwich. Chew it until it's liquid, and then swallow it. Make your own soup in your mouth. Arthur, you are OK to say a few words still, aren't you? What, about Max? You bet your life. Great. Great. Bring it on. Come on. Ladies and gentlemen, this is exciting, a bit of a change to the programme. Max's former comedy partner, a man I haven't seen for over a quarter of a century, ladies and gentlemen, Count Arthur Strong! Thank you. Thank you for that warm welcome. I really do. So, what can I tell you about the late Max Baker? Well, I for one uh, will miss him dreadfully. He was a lovely man, always a kind word for everyone. That's what I remember about him. The life and soul of the party, but also a real family man. Oh, and here, this picture. I was there when he got those shots. I thought there was something funny because I wasn't in any of them. Do you know, he was so excited when they got those photographs, I'll never forget it. He came to the dressing room. He took the top one out, signed it, put it to one side and said, "That's for little Michael." CROWD: Aw! But enough of me. Anyway, let's hear from the little man himself, Max's pride and joy, my new best friend, Michael Baker. APPLAUSE Uh, thank you, Arthur. Thank you, Barry. What to, uh What to, what to say about my, uh HIS VOICE CRACKS ..about my dad? Sorry Sorry. HE SOBS Have you got a handkerchief or something, please? Sorry, ladies and gentlemen. HE BLOWS HIS NOSE LOUDLY Eugh! Urgh! Haven't you got anything bigger? Ah, no, no! DISGUSTED MURMURINGS It really is just going through, Arthur. It's just going through. LOUD HONKING HE WAILS This is embarrassing! Arthur, it's like sneezing into a Battenberg! I feel like The Exorcist! Oh, what a lovely speech. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Baker. And now, in a change to the scheduled running order, journey with me to the mystic world of memory as I, Count Arthur Strong CROCKERY SHATTERS SHE CHOKES Katya! What do I do? Give her the Heimlichan manoeuvre! What is that? How do you do it? You sort of punch her in the stomach from behind, in a nice way. Katya, this is Michael doing this to you, should you wish to press charges. FABRIC TEARS Oh, God! What do I do now? Don't put her down! What do I do? SIREN WAILS KATYA GROANS Could someone rub my foot? Why didn't you tell me that? What? About my dad? About the photo? Oh, yes, he never stopped talking about you. It was Michael this, Michael that. You know, he always had your picture on his dressing room mirror. He would tap it for luck before he went on stage. Why didn't you tell me? Can't remember everything. HE LAUGHS ELECTRICITY BUZZES Aaargh!