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ACT I
SCENE 1
Overture ends
Darkened Motion Picture Stage. Around 1932
CURTAIN rises. Pounding on a heavy door to the street. Red light blinking on and off for silence. Light beside the door. Not lighted now. Watchman opens the door, Mack enters and the Watchman closes the door
Watchman Sorry, Mr. Sennett. I didn't know it was you. Not supposed to let anybody in. Closed set. They're shooting a talkie. (Closes door) 'Course, you aren't just anybody, Mr. Sennett. It's still your studio, right?
Mack Yeah. It's still mine. (To audience) They all walked out on me, no guts see.
A bank of unseen lights goes on with a clunk and a flood of glow spills into "our stage".
Director (Off) Quiet everybody! Let's settle down! I don't want to hear a pin drop. (Red silence light begins to blink noiselessly on and off like a chronometer) Aaannnnnnd Camera! Aaaannnnd Sticks! (Clacker is heard) Aaannd Action!
Actor (Off) Tessa, my darling, fly, fly away with me
Director (Off) Cut! I heard a toilet flush! Now, let's just hold it, people. OK' (Then) Once more, action!
Actor (Off) Tessa, my darling...
Actor (Off) Save it. We just picked up an airplane. Coming straight down over Sunset. Take a break. Get me an aspirin.
Groan from off stage. The red light goes off The Watchman shrugs and moves away.
Lights on the offstage movie set are doused The stage returns to its shadows. Mack turns to us.
Mack Tessa, my darling, fly, fly away with me. (Scowls) Go on and do it, maybe it'll shut 'em up. Talkies. Some joker with a Victrola back of the screen. Cranking his heart out so Jolson can talk. (Billboarding) Jolson talks! Swanson talks! Rin-Tin-Tin talks! And it still ain't movies. Hey, whadda ya gonna do five years from now when they're tired of talkies, whadda ya gonna give 'em then? Colors? Or a new size screen? Or bare butts and dirty words? Go on try all the tricks you can think of, it's still not gonna be worth one reel of Birth of a Nation, not one frame of Chaplin, not one eighth of a quarter of an inch of my Mabel. . . (Lost in the memory of her) Why didn't you listen to me, kid. I told ya only one way to beat 'em, make 'em laugh, then while they're holdin' their bellies, ya run like hell. And keep on running ... (music of a tinkly piano starts up in the distance as he continues) straight back to me. Safe in one of my big, Sennett finishes. Hey, remember those happy endings we gave 'em? Yeah, I know they don't do 'em any more, but what do they know about making movies? (Shakes his head) Like I told you, not a God-damn thing. (And he sings)
No 1: Movies Were Movies
Movies were movies when you paid a dime to escape
Cheering the hero and hissing the man in the cape
Romance and action and thrills
Pardner there's gold in them hills
Movies were movies when during the titles you'd know
You'd get a happy ending
Dozens of blundering cops in a thundering chase
Getting a *** out of lemon meringue in the face
Bandits attacking a train
One little *** with a cane
Movies were movies were movies when I ran the show
Lights begin to come slowly up as Mack continues
Movies were movies when Pauline was tied to the track
After she trudged thru the ice with a babe on her back
Girls at the seashore would stand
All in a row in the sand
Rolling their stockings an inch and a quarter below
The line of decency
And Swanson and Keaton and Dressler and William S. Hart
No-one pretended that what we were doing was art
We had some guts and some luck
But we were just makin' a buck
Movies were movies were movies when I ran the show!
By now Lights are halfway up and as Mack continues Figures start out of the shadows and on to the stage. Actors in costumes, Grips carrying set pieces and a hand-cranked movie camera. Lady in elaborate ha tof period pounding away at an upright piano, a bustle of activity as he sings
And Swanson and Keaton and Dressler and William S. Hart
No-one pretended that what we were doing was art
We had some guts and some luck
But we were just making a buck
Movies were movies were movies...
When I ran the show!
By now stage crowded with Actors, Grips, etc. Mack, in shirt-sleeves, behind
camera as everybody talks, shouts, orders, yells for props and costumes and
we find ourselves...
SCENE 2
Mack's first studio in Brooklyn, 1911
Grips set up tubs, mangles, clothes-lines that make up "Acme Hand Laundry, Est. 1910. Mrs. R. O'Flaherty, Prop." Lottie Ames in golden-haired wig is tied to a washtub. When all is in place,
the stage freezes and a special hits Mack, a musical sting, and he says to audience...
Mack Small beginnings: Brooklyn, New York 1911. Waiting for ya, kid. (No 2 - Laundry, underscores the following dialogue) Action! (Now light isolates the area of the movie set on which he is directing the actors) That's it Freddie. . . come on, Lottie, plead! Freddie's just threatened to kill you, set fire to the laundry, and put your baby through the wringer, so don't just
whimper, dammit, beg!
Lottie I can't, Mack. I'm starving to death. I haven't had a bite since this morning.
Mack Cut! I told ya
Ella on the stage piano continues to underscore the dialogue as the full orchestra finishes.
I sent out for a sandwich, it's coming. Meantime, that sun goes behind those clouds in exactly ten minutes; either we're finished by then or you are!
Lottie (Near tears) Mack, I'm weak. I'm gonna die!
Frank (About fifteen, carrying a stack of newspapers) I'll get you something, Miss Ames.
Mack Frank, you stick to delivering papers; Ella, keep playing; I'm gonna get this one. All right-Action! (Just then six men burst into the studio. It's the creditors' honcho Goons. They don't waste a minute, start moving in all directions grabbing props, and costumes and scenery, even the cameras) Cut! Stop! What are you doing?
Head Goon Foreclosing, that's what. You're six months overdue on your payments. Mr. Kleiman and Mr. Fox want their money...
Mack All I need's a little more time...
Head Goon Today, or we close you down.
Second Goon (Trying to grab the lights) And take everything.
One of the other Goons makes a grab for Lottie. Frank pulls her back. Fight breaks out. The Crew, including Andy and Fatty, join in. Obviously no match for the Goons. Only Mack hangs back
Andy C'mon Mack, we gotta stop these ***.
Mack Yeah, but not your way. (Pulls one of the Goons off the piano and shoves Ella back on the bench) Ella, keep it pounding. (Ella starts banging away at the upright as Mack races behind the camera) All right Freddie, get over there next to Lottie. (Freddie shakes free of one of the Goons and rushes over to Lottie. Mack starts bellowing directions at top speed over
the chaos) Freddie, you gotta get that money, but you know she' s not gonna tell you where it is so you get an idea. The baby!
Head-Goon (Drops the chair he's carrying off and turns, horrified) The baby?
Mack That's right, the baby. Either she coughs up the dough or you put the kid through the wringer. Cut to a title here ... "Bring out the safe or I'll wring out the waif!" Lottie, you see him start for the baby so you break loose and grab the other end, easy there, it's a baby not a god-damn taffy. All right Lottie, now you faint. Fatty, this is where you come in. . . (By now the commotion has stopped and everyone, and the Goons are all watching, transfixed, as Fatty starts on dressed like a very fat *** with oversized shoes) That's it, get the baby first! Good! Now put it down somewhere. (Fatty grabs the baby, doesn't know what to do with it, shoves it in his
pants) Now take care of Freddie. (A kick in the pants) Now we go for the finish! Help Lottie up and give her back the baby. (It has slipped down. He finally fishes it out) Now get set for the clinch. Gimme some passion there, ! more passion, arms reach slowly out for each other, Fatty how about some trembling, this is the moment you've waited for all your life. . . Now, the big Sennett ending! The clinch!
A girl, Mabel, carrying a sandwich on a plate has started in through the last of this and as Fatty and Lottie go for the clinch she steps between them and says:
Mabel Hot knockwurst on a roll, fifteen cents.
Everyone stops. The magic is broken, the Goons begin to recover
Mack Who the hell are you?
Mabel Schultz's delicatessen, you sent out, hot knockwurst on a roll, fifteen...
Mack Get outa here, can't you see we're shooting.
Mabel (Lottie has meanwhile grabbed sandwich, handed Mabel the baby, and started eating) Not till I get my fifteen cents, she's eating my sandwich...
Goons start to pack up the props and scenery. One begins to push the piano, with Ella still pounding, toward the door
Mack (Frantic) Andy, get her the hell outa here!
Andy OK, kid, let's go.
Mabel I gotta have my fifteen cents. (He grabs her by the arm and baby drops. She is horrified) Oh, I killed the baby!
Again, the Goons stop. This time everyone does. All eyes on Mabel
Andy (As she picks it up) C'mon kid. I said let's go!
As he starts to pull her off; Mabel winds up and lets him have it in the gut with the baby
Mack Ella! Keep it pounding. (Rushing back to camera) We need this one!
And he starts cranking as Mabel grabs sandwich back from Lottie and with knockwurst in one hand, baby in the other, stands off Grips, Lottie, Fatty, Freddie, knocking one down, tripping another, shoving a third into the tub, etc. Last line is hers as she staggers back against the steam press-into which, unfortunately, she has dropped the baby-and gasps
Mabel Hot knockwurst on a roll. . . (Takes out baby, now crushed flatter than a pancake. Near tears) Fifteen cents.
Mack Cut! Great!
End sequence, the whole Audience, Crew, Stars and Goons burst into applause, whistling their approval. Mack is delighted
Head Goon Art! I say dats pure art! What do you say, Gonso?
Second Goon (Giant bozo wipes his tears) My heart is breakin'.
Head Goon Whataya dumb or somethin'? It's comedy. (To Mack) Hey, you, I gonna talk to Mr. Fox and Mr. Kleiman to make sure you finish this movie. . . (Pointing to Girl) With dat star! C'mon boys, let the artist work.
They leave. Everybody cheers
Mack Whatdye tell ya, forget the fighting. All you gotta do is take their puny minds off their fists long enough to make 'em laugh, that's the trick! That's it today. Back tomorrow morning at six. (To Girl) Hey, you get rid of the thing and come here. (Girl does not know where to dispose of flattened baby, finally rolls it up and puts it in her purse. Others have started off as Mack continues) Now, what's your name? (She mutters something inaudibly) Speak up, dammit it, I'm a busy man!
Mabel (Babbling away as Mack circles her) Mabel A. Normand. A for Agnes after St. Agnes. You see, my family's very religious and if I go back without the fifteen cents, Schultz, who I work for, is gonna think I kept it and tell Father McCready and that's fifty Hail Marys at least, plus...
Mack (Clapping his hand over her mouth to still the torrent. To us:) There was something about her! Whatever she felt just popped right out for the eye to see and what the eye could see the camera could see ten times better, it could see right down to her soul. She sure was a total amateur but I wasn't. And we'd be doing it my way. (Releasing her) All right, A for St. Agnes, get the hell out of here an' come back tomorrow morning at six. We'll screen that stuff I just shot and if there's anything worthwhile on it; I'm gonna put you in Rose and the Redskins. And if you don't know how to ride a horse, you got all night to learn. (She starts to speak) And don't bother to thank me, just beat it! (He starts off) Wait a minute! (Coming back) Here's your fifteen cents.
Mabel (Looking at coins he hands her) That's two dimes.
Mack Correct. You owe me a nickel. (Exiting after last of Grips) Andy, how quick can we get this printed up? I want to run it tomorrow before we start shooting...
And he is gone. Mabel makes sure she's alone then bravely calls out:
Mabel Oh yeah, well I'm not coming! (Getting bolder when no-one answers) I got a good job at Schultz's, only ten hours a day, every other Sunday off, nearly six dollars a week with tips. You keep your movies! And if you think I'm getting up at six in the morning for anything except
early Mass, which I don't happen to be going to tomorrow because I already happen to have went yesterday, you got another think coming! And another thing: don't count on getting that nickel change so quick, unless you wanna sue, you cheapskate and in case you don't know, my Uncle
happens to be Justice P. J. Rooney of the First Federal Court of Brooklyn, and all I have to do is. . . (Lights have gone down through this and Andy has come on pushing hand-cranked projector. As Wally and Frank join him, he starts cranking film and Mabel gasps as she sees herself on imaginary screen out front) Jesus, Mary and Joseph! (And she sings)
No 3: Look What Happened to Mabel
Miss waitress from flatbush get down from up there
Don't you know that you're out of your class
Miss waitress from flatbush I hope you're aware
You're behaving like some little ***
Hey miss
What's this?...
See that fascinating creature
With perfection stamped on ev'ry feature
She was plain little nellie
The kid from the deli
But Mother of God, look what happened to Mabel!
From now on this pile of flesh'll
Be considered somethin' pretty special
And Miss B. L. T. Down
Is the toast of the town
Mary and Joseph, what happened to Mabel!
Ev'ry gesture and position that she takes
Is smart and meticulous
Talk about the magic that the camera makes
But this is ridiculous!
Hold your tongue and hold your snickers
For the new enchantress of the flickers
Is that plain little Nellie
The kid from the deli
So rattle me beads
Look what happened to Mabel!
Mabel's excitement spreads to Wally, Frank and Andy as she continues
Someone who was plain as mutton
On the screen is cuter than a button
And the girl with the pickles
Who hustled for nickels
Is somethin' to see. Look what happened to Mabel!
Yesterday a tip collector
But today just turn on that projector
And Miss Avenoo R
Is a regular star
Holy Mother Machree, look what happened to Mabel!
Up to now I really never knew that I
Could be so ambitious
But suddenly I know I have to say goodbye
To bagels and knishes
(Frank, Fatty & Andy)
Oh St. Aloysius
Mabel I know that you might think I'm balmy
But the queen of the corned-beef and salami
Is a glamorous goddess
Who's bustin' her bodice
Oh! Jumpin' St Jude
(Frank, Fatty & Andy)
Look! Look! Look!
Mabel Look what happened to Mabel!
And as music continues, assisted by Wally, Frank, Andy, etc., we see bits of the first two-reelers that Mabel makes. First, Beauty and the Buzzsaw, then Turned Out In The Blizzard, and finally Rose and the Redskins featuring a dummy horse which is rocked back and forth in front of a moving cylinder with painted flats representing the Old West. [Note: Though these films are
intended to be straight melodramas, Mabel unconsciously makes them funny by filing her nails on the approaching buzzsaw, spitting out mouthfuls of paper snow as she pleads with the wicked landlord, leaping on dummy horse backwards and clutching on to the tail-which comes off of course-as she escapes the Indians. Mack, with megaphone, directs her in pantomime through all three.] We see Mack breaking up. She really is funny. He doesn't want to laugh, but can't stop himself. Mabel has used Mack's own method to disarm the bully. This time the bully just happened to be him. Finish with Mabel beating Redskin with horse's tail as all Grips, Actors, sing
Grips & Actors See that fascinating creature
With perfection stamped on ev'ry feature
She was plain little Nellie
The kid from the deli
But Mother Of God look what happened To Mabel!
Someone who was plain as mutton
On the screen is cuter than a button
And the girl with the pickles
Who hustled for nickels
Is something to see. Look what happened to Mabel!
Every gesture and position that she takes
Is smart and meticulous
Talk about the magic that the camera makes
But this is ridiculous
Mabel Hold your tongue and hold your snickers
For the new enchantress of the flickers
Is that plain little Nellie
Men That plain little Nellie
Mabel The kid from the deli
Men The kid from the deli
Mabel So rattle me beads
Men Look! Look! Look!
Mabel Look what happened to
All Mabel!
Endsong, applause. Grips strike horse, etc. Mabel does one last funny bit and
catches Mack laughing. Suddenly he's very uncomfortable
Mack What the hell are you lookin' at?
Mabel Nothin'.
Mack (Pause) Well, get outa here...
Mabel crosses to the wing and just before she goes, turns and shoots Mack with the toy gun from the film
Mabel Pow... gotcha.
Mabel exits into the wings. Mack watches her go, not taking his eyes off her.
She exits as Lottie enters from opposite wings
Lottie How about coming up to my place for some veal and peppers? (Smiles) It's Saturday night again. What do ya say?
Mack Thanks, Lottie, but I think I'll take a rain check.
Lottie Oh? I thought my peppers were getting to be a habit. What's the matter? Heartburn?
Mack Hey, no, Lottie, no. Your peppers are great. I swear.
Lottie nods, studying him. Mack looks again after the departed Mabel. Lottie glances in that direction, then turns to him
Lottie Then it must be something else's giving you heartburn, Mack.
Mack Huh? What do ya mean?
Lottie Forget it. (Turns to go, then turns back) For a weissenheimer, you can be a real horse's ***.
Lottie exits
Mack Women!
And we go to... SCENE 3 Mack, who has come on through last of number, as he watches departing Mabel
No 3a: Mack-After Look
Mack (And music comes up as he sings)
Somehow the ceiling
Seems a little closer
From the very moment I see Mabel come in the room
It feels like someone
Lit a roaring fire...
Mack's mood is suddenly interrupted by a man who strides angrily on and slams a manuscript down on his desk
Writer That ending! With Mabel up on the horse! That was not in my script! Mack (With a sigh as he unwraps his lunch) Writers. And scripts. They'll kill this industry yet. (To Writer) Get the hell outa here, can't you see I'm eating my lunch!
Writer It's right here in black and white! The horse throws the girl then they all get trampled by a stampede of enraged buffalo and that's what makes the allegory! Didn't you even read the script?
Mack What for? No movie's worth making that can't be told out loud in five sentences.
Writer In that case, Mr. Sennett...
Mack Yeah, well nice meeting you too. (As Writer storms out, tossing script after him) And take your aggelory. . . tazke this thing with you.
Lottie (Coming on as Writer exits) Wait a minute, where you going-Harry! Mack, you didn't fire the last writer we had left, not today of all days. Not with Mr. Kleiman and Mr. Fox coming. Now we'll never get out of Brooklyn!
Mack Sure we will. They're gonna love us. Now calm down and have an egg. . . Peel it first. (To us as Lottie nervously claws at the egg) We hadn't heard from our producers since their goons were here that day, but what with Mabel's two-reelers selling the way they were, she had become a real star. We were turning out six of them a week and had orders for sixty more, so they couldn't have any complaints. But now we needed more space, sunshine, room to spread out! All the other movie companies were going out to California. And we had to go, too. Today, for the first time Kleiman and Fox, themselves, were coming down to look things over and decide whether to put up the cash for the movie. (As Ella starts angrily on) Which commodity, as usual, we needed.
Ella Mack, you get that piano tuned or I quit!
Frank (Coming on with shredded newspaper) Mr. Sennett, I know it's yesterday's Times, but they won't give you today's 'til you pay what you owe! It's all there, no pages missing, just a little damp where they wrapped up the fish.
Fatty (Coming up from behind) Mack, I gotta have that back salary! My landlady woulda' thrown me out already only we got the arrangement, she's nearly eighty ... and a devil!
Mabel (Marching angrily on) I just found out! Other movie stars get paid!
Mack Which is why Lottie felt that with two potential backers on the way maybe I shouldn't have canned the only writer we had left. (As Kleiman and Fox start on from up left) But I told 'er two bums like that are only interested in the actors! Last thing they'd ask to meet were writers! Loot at 'em-Couldn't spell cat between 'em. (Crossing to meet them) Mr. Kleiman! Mr. Fox! Welcome to the Mack Sennett's Keystone Motion Picture Studios, home of the screen's brightest stars ! (as Mabel and Lottie strike a pose) ...the greatest clowns! (Wally does a pratfall) The most brilliant music department! (Ella plays an arpeggio) ...and the finest director of comedy in movies today. (They applaud. He bows) Well, boys, what do you think of it?
Kleiman & Fox Where's the writers?
Mack Plus the finest writing staff in the business, high school graduates every one of them, headed by their chief, that jewel in the crown of American literary talent... (Mack has been looking around desperately through this. His eye finally lights on Frank) . ..W. Frank Wyman! Up till very recently with the New York Times. (Frank has been holding his stack of papers behind his back, now quietly drops them) Well, boys, are you with us or not?
Kleiman It's not as simple as that, Sennett. There are pros and cons to be discussed!
Fox Shortcomings to be weighed.
Kleiman Factors to be taken into account!
Fox Intangibles to be pondered!
Kleiman But as soon as we do that...
Fox & Kleiman The answer is yes.
Mack (As Wally lets out a yip of joy and Ella and Lottie hug Fox) Gentlemen, you got a deal ! (As the music for No 4 - Big Time begins to come up softly and rhythmically in background) Now we'll need three weeks to wind up production here, another day or two to divest ourselves of whatever personal relationships we've been foolish enough to maintain, then on... (looking at calendar on desk) May sixteenth, nineteen hundred and eleven.. . (A deep breath) We leave.
Lottie We leave Brooklyn.
Mack And scrounging to make a buck.
Fatty And bills.
Lottie And dispossess notices.
Mack And fighting with merchants for film and canvas and wood and nails. ..
Mabel Leave 'em all in the dust!
Ella In the lurch.
Frank Watch our smoke!
Lottie Mr. Kleiman, Mr. Fox, you're our good angels.
Fatty Our meal tickets.
Mabel Our railroad fare.
Kleiman Speaking of the cars, Mr. Sennett, I understand the day coach service is splendid on these transcontinental trains...
Mack Our first class Pullman angels! No more small time, Mr. Kleiman!
Mabel Not for me.
Wally Or me!
Ella & Frank Or me!
Kleiman, Fox & Lottie Or me!
Mack (Softly, passionately) Not for us.
And as the others start off to get their things, Lottie crosses to Mack, takes his hands, and sings
No 4: Big Time
Lottie This time it's the big time
In a short time we can be
The cherry on the top of the sundae
The shiny star on top of the tree
So you'd better Grab it with your both hands
When that great moment arrives
'Cause this time it's the big time
It's the big time of our lives
Mack goes off, Grips start crossing with cameras, props, etc. as Lottie continues
This time it's the extra
It's the special, it's the plus
This time we won't say "those lucky ***"
This time those lucky *** are us
Ain't we somethin'
Farewell to the small time
To the flea bags and the dives
' Cause this time it's the big time
It's the big time of our lives
Fatty (Coming back with suitcase) I'm gonna buy myself a pierce-arrow
And wave to all my fans in the streets
Mabel (With her suitcase) I'm gonna have a mansion like Pickford's
Lottie I'm gonna sleep on black satin sheets
Frank, Kleiman
& Fox And we'll raise more hell, make more hay
Than decent fellows should
Because the gang from king's highway
All Is goin' to Hollywood!
A whisper at first, growing louder through the chorus
'Cause this time it's the big time
And it's high time we were seen
By ev'ry dapper dude in Dakota
On ev'ry scroungy neighborhood screen
So you'd better Grab it with your both hands
When that great moment arrives
'Cause this time it's the big time
It's the big time of our lives!
By now the mood is one of wild jubilation as with Grips etc. they continue
This time it's the big time
In a short time we can be
The cherry on the top of the sundae
The shiny star on top of the tree
So you better grab it With your both hands
When that great moment arrives
'Cause this time it's the big time
It's the big time of our lives
In each hundred million
There's a handful that survives
And this time we're that handful
So it's bye bye to those one-nights
This time it's the kleig lights
It's the big, big, big time of our lives
End number, applause. The music playoff (No 4a) picks up again as one by one they start off right, carrying hatboxes, suitcases, birdcages, etc. Last one off is Lottie, leaving Mack alone down right as music becomes softer, lights start down, and we come up on...
SCENE 4 Observation platform of a train Mabel, forlorn, breathes in the night air, examines the stars. Lottie enters
Lottie Planning a trip to the moon?
Mabel Might as well be. About as much chance of ever getting there.
Lottie (Looking up at the stars) The moon's not really for travel anyway. It's mostly for wishing on. You get three wishes. Any three you want. (Frowns) But don't kid around with things like diamonds, real estate and furs. The moon won't spring for those. You've got to wish for what you want more than anything else in the world.
Mabel (Looking up at the moon) It's sort of about someone else.
Lottie (Mock surprise) Hey, no kiddin'! Who woulda thought! (Then) I don't know his name, but I'll bet his initials are Mack Sennett.
Mabel (Smiles) I guess it's pretty obvious.
Lottie Good guess. (And then) Wish.
Mabel (Closes her eyes) Number one: I wish he'd fall head over heels in love with me. Number two: he'd ask me to marry him and be his lawful wife. And number three: he'd be a wonderful husband and father to our seven children.
Lottie Oh, honey, you're waiting for the wrong trolley. Those three wishes are for A for Agnes. Not for Mabel from the slapstocks. You've got to wish for what Mack Sennett wants.
Mabel Tell me.
Lottie First, you gotta be a brunette.
Mabel I am a brunette.
Lottie Good start.
Mabel Go on.
Lottie You got to be able to make him laugh.
Mabel I do. I do! I make him laugh 'til he falls over. You've seen it happen. Oh, Lottie, this is going to be a lot easier than I thought. What's number three?
Lottie You gotta play house with him.
Mabel House?
Lottie You know, house. With the kitchen stove. And the grub.
Mabel You're right. He's a big eater. He's crazy about veal and peppers. And I know he likes ice in his beer. And what else?
Lottie And the bedroom, Mabel.
Mabel Oh, but that's for when you're married.
Lottie Not necessarily.
Mabel (Taken aback) I'll have to think about that one.
Lottie (Shrugs) He's Mack Sennett, honey. And this is show business.
Mabel Thanks, Lottie, I do appreciate your advice, even if I'm not sure I can do it.
Lottie Good luck.
She starts to exit the scene
Mabel Lottie, if you were making three wishes on the moon, what would you wish for?
Lottie Diamonds, real estate and furs.
And she exits. Mabel is alone with her thoughts as we go to Mack, from the doorway of the observation platform. He sees Mabel, but she doesn 't see him. She's busy searching the sky
Mack The train had stopped. I remember that. One of those hick burgs somewhere in the desert with two lights and water tower. I'd walked down from my car to the end of the train to get some air and Mabel was standing alone on the observation platform. She didn't see me coming. I remember watching her, thinking how sweet and young she looked. Caught in the moonlight like a picture that would never change. That would always be fresh and sharp inside my head. I knew something was happening to me but I wasn't gonna let it. As I came closer I could hear her talking to herself, making up some crazy poem the way kids do... (He smiles) Oh, Desert! That was the name of it. Oh, Desert.
Mabel (Declaiming) Oh, Desert!
Mack (Shaking his head, repeating softly to himself) Oh, Desert!
Mabel Oh great Desert with your ever-shifting sands, It is I, Mabel, who is crossing you Astride your ever-shifting ***...
Mack (Having come up beside her through this) Jesus!
Mabel Mr. Sennett, you startled me! I didn't know anybody was there.
Mack Damn right you didn't. What the hell was that, never mind. Just get one thing straight ... no star of mine is riding ever-shifting bosoms!
Mabel (Laughing) It was a poem. I made it up. Well don't look at me like I just escaped or something. Didn't you ever make up a poem?
Mack Me?
Mabel When you were a kid?
Mack Nah, we didn't have time for that kinda stuff.
Mabel Why not?
Mack I don't know. Too busy running I guess.
Mabel Running from what?
Mack Everything.
Mabel Like?
Mack Like bullies who knock little kids around.
Mabel I'm sorry.
Mack Well don't be, *** like that are all over. You just gotta learn how to outfox 'em. Make it more fun to laugh at ya than beat the *** outa ya.
Mabel Seems to me, Mr. Sennett, you're doing pretty good, too. Good enough to slow down a little, look around, take in the sights. Maybe even write some poems.
Mack What would that have to do with making movies?
Mabel Does everything have to do with making movies?
Mack For me it does. First look and I never wanted anything else.
Mabel That's great, but what about the other things people are supposed to want? Good times . . . good friends when you need 'em . . . being quiet with someone you like. . . (Softly) Some girl.
Mack Luxuries, kid. When you're moving as fast as I am, you don't have time for 'em.
Mabel You might, Mack. I mean if you found someone who was friendly and knew how to have good times and could cook, too. I don't suppose you're hungry right now, are you?
Mack What good would it do me? The dining car's closed.
Mabel Who said anything about dining cars. I got a cooker in my compartment. (And she takes his hand and leads him L as observation platform turns around and Mabel's compartment comes on) Frank and Lottie and me cook in to save money. I have some veal and peppers left over from dinner. I could easily heat it up...
Mack Look. Miss Normand, you're wasting your time! I'm not in the market.
Mabel (As she pulls down the shade, lights sterno cooker, puts pot on flame) Market for what?
Mack Anything you have in mind! The cook, the good times, the girls. . . I'm not buying.
Mabel (Winding up phonograph, putting a wax cylinder on it) So who's offering? My God, you cook one lousy veal and peppers and like my mother made for my father just before they got married and he thinks he has to make an honest woman out of you... (putting out silverware) .. .courtesy of Union Pacific Railroad. Lottie swiped three sets. Down to the napkin rings.
Mack (As she passes him plate of veal and peppers) I' m not saying you're not a nice kid, Mabel. You're pretty, your veal ain't too bad, and I don't mind spending a little time with you now and then... as long as you understand the rules. (The full orchestra comes into the phonograph recording, and Mack sings)
No 5: I Won't Send Roses
I won't send roses
Or hold the door
I won't remember
Which dress you wore
My heart is too much in control
The lack of romance in my soul
Will turn you grey, kid
So stay away, kid
Forget my shoulder
When you're in need
Forgetting birthdays
Is guaranteed
And should I love you, you would be
The last to know
I won't send roses
And roses suit you so...
Music continues as Mack reaches over to take her in his arms. Mabel suddenly falls back
Mabel (To the heavens) You have to understand, Father McCready, I'm in show business now! (She turns back to Mack) I forgot about the ring!
Mack What ring!
Mabel Even if you get married for just one night you still gotta have a ring. (She picks up napkin ring) I just knew it would come in handy. And it's a good omen! Union, that's what we're about to do. Pacific. That means peaceful. Go on, put it on for me.
Mack Mabel, this is foolish
Mabel Put it on for me, Mack. (And he reluctantly does) And now you may kiss the bride.
And Mabel moves happily into his arms as Mack continues
Mack My pace is frantic
My temper's cross
With words romantic
I'm at a loss
I'd be the first one to agree
That I'm preoccupied with me
And it's inbred, kid
So keep your head, kid
In me you'll find things
Like guts and nerve
But not the kind of things
That you deserve
And so while there's a fighting chance
Just turn and go
I won't send roses
And roses suit you so.
The song ends, phonograph clicks of f lights fade. The compartment turns so now we see it from exterior as we hear the sound of train jarring to a stop, window opens, and Mack sticks his head out
Mack Jesus, palm trees! We're in California!
And grabbing his clothes, he dashes out of the compartment with a hasty "See ya, kid."
Mabel It's only eight, Mack, we don't get in to Los Angeles till nine fifteen. .. Mack? Mack? (But he is gone. Music up again as Mabel leans out window, looks at early morning as it rolls by in California, and sings)
No 6: Mabel's Roses
So who needs roses
Or stuff like that
So who wants choctlates
They'd make me fat
And I can get along just fine
Without a gushing Valentine
And I'll get by, kid
With just the guy, kid
And if he calls me
And it's collect
Sir Walter Raleigh
I don't expect
And though I know I may be left
Out on a limb
So who needs roses
That didn't come from him.
Song ends as Mabel slowly twirls the napkin ring on her finger as lights fade
and we come up on...
SCENE 5
Two flunkies as they start out from R with a red carpet which they fling out to unroll down the length of the stage as music of No 7 - Arrival, comes up. Two palm trees and a "Welcome to Los Angeles " banner fly in, and we are in front of Union Station, Los Angeles, 1912. Family excitedly starts on amid bustle of other arriving passengers, train-men, etc. A moment of this then Flunkie enters R bearing sheaf of red roses. Gentleman and lady enter. She is given roses
Mabel Oh, Mack, you shouldn't've!
Mack I didn't. (Carpet is pulled off by Flunkies. To us) And the Pierce Arrow ear waiting outside wasn't for me, it was for D. W. Griffith.
Kleiman Pierce Arrow ears you don't get from two-reelers. Now that we're in Hollywood, we gotta make epics!
Fox Forget Beauty and the Buzzsaw, the public wants spectacle!
Kleiman Tragic romance!
Fox The Fall of Rome!
Kleiman A couple of Gishes freezing in the snow!
Mack I see what you mean! A Bible story.
Mabel (Joining in) Salome!
Kleiman & Fox That's it!
Mack With Fatty as Salome . . . and Freddie as King Herald.
Mabel (Clowning for Mack) Then we still got those cross-eyes going for us when John's head's on the plate.
As music comes up for No 8 - Make the World Laugh
Mack It's no use, Mr. Kleiman, we ain't cut from the same cloth! Mr. Griffith makes film epics of sweep and grandeur. Mr. Sennett. . . Hell, he just makes movies. (And he sings)
No 8: Make the World Laugh
Heartbreak and passion
May both be in fashion
But I wanna make the world laugh
Let others do drama of sin and disgrace
While I throw a fish in the heroine's face
To keep them in stitches
I burn the star's britches
And saw cousin Sally in half
Let Mister Griffith deal with humanity's woes
I'd rather film the guy with the fly on his nose
My goal and my mission
My burning ambition
Is ... I wanna make the world laugh!
Some have a leaning
For dark hidden meaning
But I wanna make the world laugh
Let other directors film tragic romance
But I like a hero with ants in his pants
Nothing I've found is
As sweet as that sound is
The music that fattens the calf
My great new plot is not about tyranny's lash
It deals with itching powder and Papa's mustache
The curse I've been blessed with
Completely possessed with
Is ... I wanna make the world laugh!
Lights have dimmed through last of this, screen comes down and we see a composite of all the early Sennett films, the chases, the pies, the pratfalls, the' motorcycles crashing through walls, the cars driving up stairs, etc. ending with freeze shot of motorcycle in mid-air as Mack sings
This curse I've been blessed with
Completely possessed with
Is ... I wanna make the world laugh!
After applause, the music (No 8a) continues to underscore as the movie screen flies away and we see the brand new gate which reads "MACK SENNETT STUDIOS-KEYSTONE." The impressive gates swing open revealing the Studio. In triumph he extends his arm to her. She takes it, her face filled with love and excitement for him. Together they walk arm in arm, then turn and sing
No 8b: Also Called Mack and Mabel
Mack As a pair there's nuthin' greata'
Than this cupcake and this baked potata'
Mabel This sublime and serene
Unconventional team
This Mabel and Mack
Mack Also called Mack and Mabel.
Mabel The perfect mix of oil and water
We're Svengali's son and Trilby's daughter
Mack When she mugs and she wiggles
The world get the giggles
Mabel But look in the wings
At who's pullin' the strings
Mack & Mabel Oh, one fine morning we were introduced by fate
This *** genius and this girl who counts to eight!
So Sennett and his great creation
Are a damned unholy combination
Mack Just a sweet little plum
Mabel And a big Irish bum
This Mabel and Mack
Mack & Mabel Also called Mack And Mabel!
The music continues to underscore the dialogue-No 8c - Integrity Exit They are supremely happy. As she moves away, she turns and blows him a kiss. Mack freezes her in this position and turns to the audience
Mack So how did the trouble begin? My damn writer, Frank. Maybe he didn't mean to start it but he sure as hell did!
SCENE 6
The New Studio several weeks later Mack unfreezes Mabel and exits. She puts on her make-up as she listens to Frank who is just finishing reading from a manuscript
Frank (Closing manuscript) Well, what do you think? And don't be kind if it's rotten, say so!
Mabel Rotten? Frank, you must be kidding, Molly's a beautiful script. That' the trouble. . . It's too beautiful to waste on me! Molly's a real person and you need a real actress for the part. Me? I do what Mack tell me. (Imitating Mack) All right, Miss Norman, count of one you turn, count of two you kick Fatty in the behind, count of three Fatty kicks you in the behind. That's my kind of acting!
Frank Mack Sennett is an assault on your integrity as an artist.
Mabel Yeah?
Fran I wrote Molly for you, Mabel, and nobody but you is going to do it
Mabel Mack'd never let me.
Frank You jump every time that big Irish bum cracks the whip. All he cares about is making movies. He's just using you, Mabel.
Mabel Maybe. But I love him, Frank, and I'm stuck with that. (Getting Up) I better go or he'll have a fit. (She starts R, sud d enly stops) Hey, could you say that again? You know that fancy stuff.
Frank You mean about your integrity as an artist?
Mabel Yeah. Oh, Frank! Ain't baloney beautiful!
And she hurries R as Grips start out with set of Ancient Rome. Actors in togas starting to assemble. Mack begins setting up camera
Mack (Off) Mabel!!!
Mabel All right. Mack, I'm coming.
Mack Well get amove on, we ain't got all day! Now remember, it's ancient Rome, you're the emperor's new maid, first day on the job, very nervous Fatty get over here, you're the emperor. Lottie, you're his wife. Freddie: you're some kind of noble Roman or whatever they have. All right, let's try one. Ella, go! Action. (Ella pounds away at some Roman-type music
No 8, as Mabel staggers nervously among the guests with a bowl of soup) You're nervous, Mabel, more nervous. (A moment, then Mack interrupts) Wait a minute! Cut! Mabel, you're not getting there quick enough. You're supposed to trip and spill the soup on Fatty before he proposes the toast
Mabel I know what you want, Mack, but it's hard to walk there and just spill it. It looks like I'm doing it deliberately.
Mack Let me worry about what it looks like. You just spill the soup. Look, if it'll help, I'll count.
Mabel I don't think I need that, Mack.
Mack It seems to be the only way we get things done around here! Now let's go from the top. Ella, play! Action. Count of one. . . (Mabel hasn 't moved) Cut! What's the matter now?
Mabel I don't want to do it that way anymore, Mack.
Mack And why the hell not, may I ask?
Mabel Because. . . (She finds the words) Because it offends my integrity as an artist!
Mack Your what?
Mabel (Weakening) My integrity. . . As an artist...
Mack Now I've heard it all! Look, Miss Normand, you make a lot of money, people all over the world know your name, you've got a car, nice clothes, a beautiful home, and you didn't get any of them because you remotely resemble anything you might call an "artist". You got them because I counted for you! One you walk, two three you turn, four five six you smile, seven you cry, eight you laugh! Norma Talmadge is an artist, Lillian Gish is an artist, you, Miss Normand, can count up to eight and if I hadn't taught you that you'd still be back in that bean wagon asking for your fifteen cents! Now I am going to count once again and you are going to do what passes for acting. Are you ready? Count of one you turn, count of two reach for the bowl, count of three, four, five...
And Mabel has indeed turned, taken a custard pie from the sideboard, and
on three heaves it at Mack with all her strength
Mabel (As pie splats in Mack's face) How's that for six, you. . .
A long moment as Mack does not move, then slowly he wipes pie from his face, crosses to sideboard, picks up a second pie, carefully aims it and heaves it at Mabel, who ducks and runs out as it