Happily Divorced S2E24 - English Transcript

Happily Divorced is shot before a live audience and based on what actually happened to me. So you kissed your neighbor, and you got a fiance. Mm, let me see. The last thing my lips was on was that thing the cops make you blow into at a checkpoint. Actually, Judi, Neil kissed me. And you didn't kiss him back? I may have lingered. But it's only because I miss Elliot so much. I mean, it's just not normal for an engaged couple to be apart for so long. I need to be loved. I need to be caressed. I need sex! Well, baby, the answer to your problem is right here. Oh, Judi, I-I wouldn't want anything to ruin our friendship. Not me. I'm talking about your husband's new boyfriend. Well, he's gay. Been there, done that. I meant that you miss Elliot. You have a flight attendant in the next room. He can hook you up, and you can be in London by tonight, and I'll be all over that neighbor like brown on rice. Oh, my God, Judi. That is brilliant. Plus it'll be like a surprise. It's always so much hotter when a partner does something unexpected. Well, most of the time. Oh, this is gonna be so great. I swear, if I was away from Elliot any longer, I might make an even bigger mistake than I made last night when I Who? What? Why did you stop talking when I came in? Cesar, you don't need to know everything that goes on in this house. Do you really want to play this game? I will know by noon. Ooh, I'm dying to ask Chris, but I don't want to wake them up. Oh, no, girl. I heard them talking earlier. Oh, well, if they were talking, - that means that they're up. - Go. I can't wake them if they're already up. Do it. Oh, God, oh, God! Not talking now, Judi. Not talking at all. What? Is everything all right, Fran? Well, yes, I-I just wanted to ask Chris a favor, but I don't want to disturb you guys. Uh, go back to spooning or whatever the hell you were doing. T. M. I. I have a flight at noon. The sooner we find out what she wants, - the sooner you and I - Talk fast. Well, I've been feeling very, you know - Faster. - Okay. Um, London. ***. Sex dreams. I kissed Neil. You kissed Neil? I-isn't Neil the British guy who lives next door? Yep. Isn't she engaged to the other guy? Yep. We're not going back in there, are we? Nope. But the only reason why I kissed Neil was because I miss Elliot so much. You know what it's like when you go for months and months and months without having sex. Shh, shush, please. Well, I was just hoping that Chris might be able to use some pull and get me on a flight to London today. Oh, Fran, if that's all you want, my flight to Paris has a stopover in London, and I am allowed a buddy pass. Buddy pass? As in you can take a buddy for free, and I can be your buddy? Of course you can be my buddy. Why can't I be your buddy? I only get one buddy. I want to be your buddy. Oh, thank you, Chris. If you do anything to screw up this relationship, I swear I've got you for that, Fran. Okay. I'm gonna pack now. And listen, don't tell anybody about what I told you guys. I don't need everybody knowing that I kissed Neil. Like taking candy from a baby. She was certain that he was her one and only ª Buheir union always seemed a little forced Sgot ried anyway Turns othat was gay They're still lov™ª But now she's HappiDivod oh, excuse me, sir. Um, this is my fiance's room, and I would love to surprise him. Would you mind opening the door for me? I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to do that. Oh, well, wait a minute. Maybe if you saw his picture, you'd understand. He's very cute. He is very lovely. Does he have a twin brother? Identical. Surprise. Does little Elliot want to come out and play? Where the hell is little Elliot? May I help you? Oh, my God. Who the hell are you, and what the hell are you doing in here? I could ask the same of you. Oh, please tell me this isn't what it looks like. What is going on? Oh, my God! There's more? Why was she in our bed? Your bed? Oh, thank God. You two are I think this is really beautiful, by the way. My ex-husband is, uh Oh, it's a long story. Anyway, the stupid front desk gave me the wrong room. I'm so sorry. Forgive Fran? Elliot! Oh, my God! They gave you the wrong room too! Will it be for just one? Oh, yes, my fiance is trying to get us a room. There was some big, crazy misunderstanding. Can I get you something to drink? After an 11-hour flight, hells, yeah. I'll have a glass of your finest champagne. No problem, miss Collins. No, shh! Oh, my God! Miss Collins! What are you doing in London? Wishing I was in Paris. What a small world. Oh, it's okay. I know her. My ex works for miss Collins. You can bring my drink over here. Darling, I have dinner reservations. Oh, that's very sweet of you, but I ate on the plane. So Elliot's trying to find us a suite. You know, I came over here and surprised him, and you would not believe what happened. Darling, why don't you call Peter? He cares. Oh, I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you. It was just the funniest thing, 'cause when I went up to his room, there were two girls in his bed. Oh, damn it, now I am interested. Go on. Well, it turns out that they were working on the music video that he's shooting, and because they had a really early call tomorrow, he said that they can use his room. I mean, is my guy a gentleman or what? I'd go with "or what. " What does that mean? You don't think he's a gentleman? I mean, he was giving up his bed for them. He was gonna sleep on the couch. Oh, Fran. Yes, miss Collins? You're not really that stupid. I'm not? Oh, but he would never do anything to jeopardize this wedding that he's been dreaming about since he was a little girl Boy! Listen, Fran, do you know what you sound like? One of those women who are so desperate to get married that when she finds two girls in her fiance's bed, she invites them to the wedding? You didn't. No. But I thought about it. Oh, my God. How could I not see him for what he is? I mean, the breakups, the makeups, the commitment issues. A sane person would've stopped after one red flag or maybe even two. I needed the whole U. N. plaza waving in my face before I could see it. On the upside, at least this one likes women. Oh, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna have to start all over. How? I'm almost 48 years old. Oh, please, I did playboy when I was 48, and now I'm considering doing it again at 50. Oh, look at you, making jokes to cheer me up. Oh, you're serious. - Thank you, ladies. - Thank you. Oh. I've got yours. Thank you. That's very generous of you. So you know what you have to do. Leave this bar, leave that guy, and leave this country. I know, I know. Oh, thank you, miss Collins. I can't tell you how much talking to you has helped me. Anytime, darling. You have my cell number? - No. - Perfect. Here we go! Oprah's favorite drink, Moscow mules! Here you go. - Thank you. - Thank you. - Ohh. - Mm. How are you doing? You okay, baby? You know, I really am, Jude. I mean, I cried and screamed, got it all out of my system on the flight coming home. Oh, you poor thing. That's an 11-hour flight. I was pretty comfortable, though. They bumped me into first class upon the request of everyone in coach. That's my girl. You know what I say? Good riddance to bad rubbish. - Mm-hmm. - Okay? The man was a cheater. - I know. - Dirt. Slime. And I swear, if he should ever call me in again to sing backup on one of his little albums, it is going to kill me when I do it. You know what the hardest part about all this is gonna be? Where's my broken little girl? That *** Elliot, I'll beat the crap out of him. Cheating on my angel with two women! What were they Twins, Asians? Ma, I'm fine. It's you that I'm worried about. I mean, you had your heart so set on my getting married. Oh, sweetheart, I was worried about you. Well, if you're fine, then I'm fine. Listen, you're a young, beautiful woman. You got plenty of time to find someone else. Well, as long as you're okay, I mean, I just know you're gonna have to make all kinds of excuses to your friends. I wish I could spare you the embarrassment. Oh, sweetheart, when did I ever care about what anyone thinks? Well, you guys would've been really proud of me. I mean, I held my own. Elliot made all kinds of excuses, but I wasn't buying 'em. Good for you. Yep, I told him I need somebody that's faithful, somebody that I can trust. He doesn't deserve you. Then I took that six-carat engagement ring, and I threw it back in his face. You okay? You all right? It's okay, Dori. You're not bleeding. On the outside. How about I take the family out to dinner? Franny's choice. Which olive garden you want to go to? That's a great idea, daddy. I could go for a big bowl of pasta. Or a salad. Listen, darling, now that you're getting back on the horse, you don't want to snap its spine. - Miss Fran. - Yes? I just ran into Mr. Neil, and he said you needed to talk to him. Why do you need to talk to him? What don't I know? Just tell him to meet me in the flower shop. Okay. But there is nothing that you can do that's going to keep me from finding ou Oh, look, it's 6:00. Bye-bye. Hey, what happened to that box with the diamond earrings that Elliot gave me that was here? Judi. What? You felt so uncomfortable keeping the engagement ring. I couldn't imagine you would feel good about keeping these. I'm not keeping them. They're for someone else. - Ah - Oh Not you either, ma. Hello, neighbor. Hello, Neil. Thank you for coming. The reason why I asked you here is because I wanted to finish what we started. - Ooh, let's do it. - No. Not that. I came to give you these. You're giving me gifts like I'm some boy toy? This cheapens what we have. And I love it! Focus, Neil. This is to pay off the debt on the property. It's worth more than I owe you, so we're even. Wow, I never actually thought I'd be paid. - Well - But if these are worth more, I really should give you the difference. Well, Peter's been stealing your Wi-Fi for months, so use it for that. How the devil has he been doing Your password is "***. " It's not exactly the Da Vinci Code. Well, our, uh, our debt is settled, then. That's right. Why are you still here, Neil? I just wanted to say I'm very sorry. Oh. For what? Well, I heard somewhere that you're no longer engaged, and it must be heartbreaking. Actually, I'm fine. But thank you. That's very decent of you. After all, you only broke it off because of me. What? Well, obviously, my kiss so rocked your world, you couldn't go through with marrying another man. You are so full of yourself. You know, it's guys like you that make me wish I were into women. Ooh. Let's explore that. Shut up. Just shut up. The reason why I broke off my engagement with Elliot is because I found I found out that he wasn't Jewish. So it had nothing to do with our kiss? Nothing whatsoever. That meant nothing. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. You might want to mention that to your tongue. Oh, my God. Do you want to know what it's like when I'm really into a kiss? I guess you'll never know. Wow. Peter, we are debt-free. Except for the house, the cars, the computers, the discover card And of course, those mountain bikes you made us buy for the mountains we never go to. Wait a minute. You paid off Neil with those earrings? Yes, I did, and you know what? It feels great. I feel great. I don't need a man to complete me. Mm-hmm. I may never get married again, and it's okay. Now I'm gonna put on my eating pants, and we can go. Good. I'm starved. Judi, you coming with us to dinner, or you got a hot date? Yeah, I'll be there, G. You guys go on ahead. I'll wait here for Fran. Peter, darling, you have no idea how comforting it is for us to know that no matter what my baby goes through, you will always be here for her. Even after we're gone. Oh, Dori. You're not gonna die anytime soon. I meant to Florida. All right, why don't you go on ahead? And don't worry. She is in great shape. Do you think I need a coat? Better order without us! What happened to you? You were doing so well. I don't know. I went to the bedroom, and there it was, hanging, in a box under the bed. Oh, Petey, I'm never gonna get married again. No man's ever gonna love me. Oh, honey, I know. What do you mean, you know? What about, "of course someone's gonna love you. You're a beautiful, vibrant woman"? And you are. Look, you look better now than you did on our wedding day. Really? That is the first thing I thought when I just saw you. Right after, "does Obama care cover cray-cray?" You know, I don't even care if I'm alone for the rest of my life. But am I gonna be alone for the rest of my life? Honey, no. Look at me. Who ever would've thought that I would find a man? Certainly not me. Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere. Oh, Petey, I had my whole future mapped out with Elliot, and now I don't even get to dance my first dance as husband and wife. Oh. Never could've topped ours anyway. May I have this dance? Again? I'm not in the mood. Come on, come on. Come on, Franny. You remember how romantic it was? It was very romantic. I love you. I love you too.