Pam - Lyrics - Victoria Wood

Can I tell you who I am? I'm Pamela Patricia, but they call me Pam. I don't like shorts or slingback shoes, My only pair of trousers are my gardening trews. I don't say who, I do say whom, I never use the toilet, just the smallest room. I don't say gay, I still say quere, I think that Mussolini had the right idea. Got engaged in '62, Got married in the April, in a nice pale blue; It all turned sour, to say the least, I was stuck in Abagelli with a sex-crazed beast. Our wedding night, I heard a cough, There was Harold in the doorway with his 'jamas off; Now look, I said, I must be blunt, I couldn't give a beggar's on the whole sex front. Not me, not my scene, I prefer a game of Rummy and an Ovaltine. Harold, dear, do get dressed, I've seen one in a book and I was not impressed. Once divorced, I lived alone, Then chummed up with a woman by the name of Joan. She moved in, she seemed quite nice, Wore army boots and braces, but I didn't think twice. Then one night, she seemed upset, I said, are you not happy in my maisonette? She drained her rum and baby sham, Ran her fingers through her crewcut, said I love you Pam. I didn't faint, I didn't scream, Just carried on demolishing my custard cream. She said, won't you come upstairs with me? I'll show you just how wonderful a love can be. I said alright, but don't be late, There's a thing by Alan Bennett on at half past eight. Well, up we go, and off she went, But the only thing that happened was my specs got bent. Not me, how I feel, I'd rather have a coffee and a wagon wheel; Joan, dear, do get dressed, No woman over forty suits a mauve stringed vest. Then last year to beat the blues, I booked myself a cabin on a ten day cruise; So much to do, so much to see, With a load of single women who look just like me. Then one night, I clicked like that, With a bachelor named Billy in a golfing hat. We were so happy, hand in hand, Listening to a lecture on the prostate gland. I told him sex had been no go, He took it as a challenge and we went below. We kissed and hugged without delay, He tried to take my rainhood off, I said no way. He said I bet you ten whole pounds, Pam, I bet you have an *** while I'm around. He got stuck in, he really tried, But I only felt a tremour down my left hand side. Not me, that's my boast, I prefer a bit of ironing and a round of toast. Bill, dear, do get dressed, But he just fell over groaning as he clutched his chest. He went: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh... It was that type of sound. Bill was dead, he died for me, They took him on a stretcher as I drank my tea. But as I poured another cup, I thought, I never had that ***... I'm ten quid up!