Malibu Country S1E15 - English Transcript

- That was a fun outing. - I know. I've never been to an oxygen bar before. I can't wait to tell all the folks back in Nashville that I actually paid $7 for air. Mmm. Something smells good. Oh, mama, is that what I think it is? Yep, my secret barbecue sauce. - Oh, is this the recipe? - Oh! Don't even try. This recipe is gonna go right into the *** trap. - I used to dream about this sauce. - Aw. Well, that and Bobby Sherman. Oh. Mama, can I have a taste? Oh no. Ow! Ooh. Ooh. Nobody gets a taste till I put it on the table. Mama only makes this sauce on two occasions One, when my little brother Blake comes home, and two, at a funeral. Oh, my gosh, mama, did somebody die? No. Wait. Is Blake coming? No, he's not coming. Hey, hey! Because he's already here! Little red! Hey, Blake! Oh, my God! Hey, is this your new fella? Oh what Oh, no, no, no. I'm definitely not her boyfriend. Mm. I figured that out when you started talkin'. Oh. I'm Blake. I'm Reba's little brother. Ah. And I figured that out when you started talking. - Oh, hey, mom. - Well Thank you for making my favorite barbecue sauce. Can I have a little taste? Well, you just don't be shy. Take all you want. Mmm-mmm! Mmm! * Walkin' with my head high * soakin' up the sunshine * la-la-la-la-la, life is sweet * Wow. It must be so exciting having your brother here. Oh, I always love when my brothers come and visit. Mind you, not at the same time. Good luck finding 11 beds. Yeah, it's it's great having Blake here. Okay, the way you just said, "it's great having Blake here" makes me think it's actually not great having Blake here. It it's fine, it's just Oh, forget it. Okay. - It's just that he didn't call when Bobby and I split up. - Oh. I haven't seen or heard from him since then, and then he just comes strollin' in here, tellin' stories, and actin' like nothin' ever happened. - Oh, forget it. - Okay. I mean, I went out on a limb for him. I got him a gig with Bobby's band, and then he just quit. I mean, he talks a great game. He just never finishes anything. Okay. I just can't believe that your mom would invite him here knowing that you guys have these issues. Oh, she doesn't know anything about it. What's the point in bringing her in on this? He's the golden child. She thinks the sun rises and sets on the crack o' his butt. Listen, I'm sure that your mother loves you both equally. Geoffrey, come on outside. What are you talkin' to Reba for? Blake is telling the most amazing stories. See? And so I said to the guy, "you sink that 7-ball in the corner pocket, and I'll give you the name for free. " And danged if he didn't do it. And that is now why the company is called "Google. " Oh, my goodness. And the end of the story used to be "And that's why the place is now called 'Tubby's Bait shop'. " Gosh, these ribs They smell incredible. Oh, they're awesome. I swear, if I could marry 'em, I would. It is California. You probably can. Oh, that's so funny. Ay, dios mio, that sauce is good. See? And he's a little gay fella. Yeah. They know their food. Okay. Who's ready to do some serious eatin'? Oh, Blake, those ribs look perfect. Hey, the last time you cooked ribs like this, I think I was still married. How long ago was that? Now stop living in the past. This is a celebration. Blake is here. Maybe if she gets enough food in her mouth, she'll quit braggin' on him. Ay Hey, hey. I need to talk to you about something that happened at school. What's going on? Yeah, so at lunch, I was talking with Emily and Katie, and they were saying how you seemed like a total player. They were? Oh. That is awesome. No. No, no, no. They were saying it like it was a bad thing. So I stood up for you, and I might have sort of said that you're a ***. What? How could you do that? I'm sorry. They were talking about you like you were a dog, and I guess the sister part of me just took over. Well, in the future, the right answer is, "yes, he's a dog. He's a total dog. " Youyou gotta spray him with a hose to keep him away from the ladies! Ooh. Reach in there like that again and you will draw back a stub. Hey, I'm glad to hear how much you like the sauce there, little gay fella. You got it, big, straight giant. - Hey, Reba. - Hmm? I gotta tell you, I-I find your brother tremendously charming, and I do not usually find people charming who refer to me as "little gay fella. " Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a big pile of charm. He just got here. You know, maybe he came back to make amends. Give him a chance. You know what? You got a good point there, little gay feller. Okay, it's not cute coming from you. It's a me and Blake thing. Okay, listen up, everybody. Now that I'm here with the whole family, there's somethin' I wanna say. See? See? Here it comes. Huh. Better late than never. I feel deeply ashamed it's taken me this long to realize that we should market mama's sauce. It could be huge. Do you really think we could sell it? Absolutely. I was at a bar the other night, and I wrote some ideas down on a napkin. Ideas? It's the word "sauce" with an arrow drawn to a dollar sign. It's a bar napkin, Reba. How detailed can you get? Well, you're out of luck, 'cause we both know that mama's never gonna part with that secret recipe. Come on, baby. Let's do it. My goodness. - Oh, hey, Reba. - Hey. Hey, I hope you don't mind, but we're gonna be havin' our board meeting - out on your deck later. - Board meeting? - For the new barbecue sauce business. - Oh. Okay. Mom, I don't think I should go to school today. I'm, uh, feeling flu-ish. Well, you don't have a fever and you look okay. I read somewhere this is one of those flus that doesn't have any symptoms. You gave yourself away when you said "I read somewhere. " How come you don't wanna go to school? It's a guy thing, okay? Well There just happens to be a guy in the house right now. Why don't you step aside, Reba? Let Uncle Blake take the wheel here for a minute. Come on, Cash. He'll know what to say. Yeah, and then maybe he'll turn the ocean into wine and multiply the fishes. Buddy, if you're gonna fake the flu, you at least gotta stage a barfing episode. Got it. What's up, buddy? Well, it's just June told some girls at school I'm a ***. Oh-ho-ho-ho, man! Why would she lie like that? Because I am. And now it's gonna get all over the school. Oh, wow. How can I put this politely? We gotta get you laid. Yeah, I know. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only guy in my whole grade who isn't, you know, experienced in the *** arts. Oh, I get it. I get it. But hey, we can spin this. You see, you're a rare commodity, someone who stands out. You gotta play up the fact that you've been waitin'. Well, I haven't been waitin'. No one's ever offered! Shh. Shh! Now you know how a car immediately loses its value when you drive it off the lot? Well, all the other guys in school They've been driven off the lot. You're still in the showroom, man. You play this right, and every girl in that school is gonna wanna take you for a test-drive. You're right. Yeah! I-I still got that new car smell. Just spread the word, man, and before you know it, you'll be cruising down that highway, - top down. - Yeah! All right. I gotta get to school. Thanks, Uncle Blake! Mom, I'm going to school. Ha! Will you look at that? He solved Cash's problem. He's gonna make me rich. He's like a tall, handsome leprechaun. Hi, Cash. Oh. Hey. It's, uh, Victoria, right? Yeah. Listen, I heard something about you. You're talking about the *** thing, right? Yeah. It's all over school. Why don't you meet me in room 206 after school and tell me all about it? Really? You want In school? - Well, look, if you don't want to - Oh, no, no, no. No. I'll yeah, I'll be there. Great. See you later. I'll see you later. Aah! My baby Well, how's the board meeting coming along? Reba, this meeting is kind of just for board members. So if you don't mind Well I was just thinking, your board room looks a lot like my deck. Red, this is only temporary. We're gonna get an actual conference room. - Mm. - You know, with pencils and pads and pitchers of water. Aren't y'all gettin' ahead of yourselves just a little bit? Reba. If you don't dream big, you can't have it all. And havin' it all is what America's all about. And we're Americans. And nobody ever went broke making America fatter. Well, let me ask you this. Who's gonna make the sauce? How are you gonna distribute it? And who's gonna finance this corporation? You know, you sure have a lot of questions for a non-board-member. I'm not an idiot. I know we need funding for our new company. That's why the first thing I did was get an investor. Oh, you got an investor? Me. I'm investing 3 grand. - I'm sorry, what? - That's it. Reba, I couldn't do this without some seed money. Just like a plant can't grow without a seed. Hey, that's why they call it "seed money. " Well, board meeting over. I'm gonna go get my checkbook. It's in my other brassiere. I'm gonna get some water. You're gonna take money away from mama? How could you do that? Okay, I get it. I see where you're coming from. You do want in. You were just playin' it cool all that time. I'm impressed. What? You're smart enough to recognize a million-dollar idea when you see one. Wh-what? I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna let you in, too. But you gotta give me $4,000. You know, 'cause the company's already rollin' now. Blake, there is no way I'm gonna invest in your harebrained scheme, and neither is mama? Boy, you know, it would be nice just once to feel like you got my back. Because right now it feels like you're implying that you don't think I can succeed in this. Oh, I'm sorry. Does it seem like I'm implying that? I'm not. I'm saying it as plain as I can speak! Look, I'm sure I won't ever be as successful as you. You know, when you first came out here, I swore I was gonna buy every record you made. Aw. Thank you for saving me all that money. Hey, I'm working on my singing career. And I'm working on my barbecue career, which is going about as good as yours. Okay. I your check. I put in a little extra so you could get some new jeans. You know what? No, thanks, mama. I don't think it's be right for me to risk your money. Is that something a loser would do? What did you do to my baby? What are you two fighting about? Nothing. All you need to know is I just saved you $3,000. You're welcome. Saved me? It's my money. I'll do what I want with it. Oh, good lord, mama. First you pay to name a star after that guy on "Castle," and now this? That Nathan Fillion beta was worth every penny. And the money for Blake was an investment. Oh, please. Nothing's ever gonna happen with that sauce. And you're never gonna see the return on your money. I don't give a damn about the money or the sauce. It was an investment in my son, and I knew exactly what the return on that was gonna be. Yeah? What? He'd be happy. That's all the return I need. Look, mama, I was just trying to protect you. Sometimes it seems like you don't see that Blake can be kind of a Kind of a what? A screwup? No, not a screwup. Yeah, a screwup. Of course I see it. But I also realize this I raised him, and however he turned out, I had a hand in it. Just like I had a hand in how you turned out. Turned out pretty good, right? Well, that is under review at the moment. Of course you turned out good, and I'm so proud of you. But I don't need to be proud of my kids to love them. Look, baby, if I If I seem like I paid a little extra attention to to Blake through the years, it's because he needed it. Well, as a mama, I think I can understand that. Well, you better. 'Cause there's no guarantee with our children, Reba. Take June. She seems like a focused, level-headed little scholar. But there's still the chance that she'll end up swinging around a stripper pole. - Yep. - Mama. Well, I'm not saying she will, I'm just saying it's possible. And so you've got to ask yourself, if she did, would you love her any less? No. I'd love her exactly the same. Probably wouldn't go visit her at work. But I'd still love her. Well well, Blake is my stripper. And if I wanna buy him a pole, I will. Huh. There's a sweet, loyal side to your brother, and that's the part of him I try to see. I just wish you did, too. Ah. Ah, there we go. A little privacy. Okay, so Hi, Cash. Hello, Victoria. Feels kind of weird and dangerous, being alone here with no chaperone. I don't think we need one. Okay then. Uh, so, as you know, I've really never done this before. You might want to lower your expectations. I know. It's okay. Hello, Lauren. Okay, so I've really never done this before. W wow. Okay, so so there's a lot of people here. They're all members. Members? Of the abstinence club? Uh, abstinence club? Okay, everybody, we have someone new with us this week who's a *** and proud of it. What do we say? It's great to wait. Blake, come on up back to the house. No, thank you. I'm sorry I yelled at you. Just come on back in the house. I don't want to annoy you with my losery-ness. Okay, mama can spend her money however she wants to. I shouldn't have stuck my nose in it. Why is it that every time I have a dream, you feel compelled to dump on it? You, Reba, are a dream dumper. And you've been mad at me ever since I got here. What do you expect, Blake? I hadn't heard a peep out of you in months, and then you just show up out of the blue? And what do you have to say for yourself? You want money for another one of your schemes. This one's gonna stick. Oh, that's what you said when you begged me to get you a job in Bobby's band. Speaking of Bobby, did you know we're divorced? - Yeah, I know. - Really? 'Cause you never called and talked to me about it. Just like you never called and told me you quit the band. I didn't quit. I got fired, okay? Oh, you got fired. Pfft. That makes it so much better. You wanna know why I got fired? Yeah. I punched him in the face. Okay. Now you got my attention. I caught Bobby coming out of one of his backup singer's hotel rooms. And I said, "dude, you're married to my sister. " Yeah. And he said, "well, why don't you mind your own business?" And I said, "well, why don't you mind my own fist-ness?" Blake, that don't even make sense. That's what Bobby said, right before I knocked him on his ***. Ho-ho-ho-ho! You know I don't approve of, uh, using violence to settle an argument. Wow. Well, I-I told Bobby that if he was a man, that he would tell you, and if he didn't, I would. Well, why didn't you call and tell me that? I mean, for months, Blake, I thought you didn't even care. Well, I couldn't. I mean, everything blew up, and I felt like it was all my fault. And if you'd never found out about Bobby, you'd be happier. I don't know. Believe me, Blake, you did me a favor. And you know what makes me really happy? You had my back. Little brothers can be a pain in the butt, but you know what? I'm sure glad I have one. Aw. Mm. Thank you, little red. Honestly, I hate that nickname. - Honestly - Hmm? I know. Ooh. * There's a dance we do in Oklahoma * * a dance like you never seen * * sit back, and we're gonna show ya * * how to do that Oklahoma swing * Ow! Whoa. Oh, Blake, the way you play that guitar, and, Reba, the way you try to keep up, it's beautiful. Thank you, mama. Hey, Cash, you wanna join us? Well, I would, but I gotta make some flyers for an after-school thing. A sports thing? Oh, no, nothing physical At all. It's the Abstinence club. I'm I'm sorry. I didn't hear you. It's a club for people who don't have sex. Oh, lord, he got married. Oh, my God, you joined the abstinence club? Yes, I did. Thanks to Uncle Blake. Ah. Oh, man, that's the only club in school the chess club laughs at. Yeah, tell me about it. You know how you join a group, and there's a list of "dos" and "don'ts"? Well, this thing has only one "don't. " But it's a biggie. The abstinence club, huh? I don't know what you said to him, but I'm sure glad you said it. Hey, I told you, little red, I got your back. You do. * Sit back, and we're gonna show ya * * how to do that Oklahoma swing * - Yeah. - A-ha.